Animaniacs-MSTed: Free Bible Prophecy Evangelistic Meetings...
Petrea Mitchell
In the not-too-distant future, on the Warner Brothers lot,
Two mice named Pinky and The Brain were hatching an evil plot.
They snuck up on the home of the Warner kids
(Just three regular 'toons who'd flipped their lids)--
The water tower was such a peaceful place
'Til they strapped some rockets to it, and shot it into spaaace!
(Wheeee!)
"We'll send them cheesy postings, the worst we can find." (la la la)
"They'll have to sit and watch them all, and we'll monitor
their minds." (la la la)
Keep in mind, the Warners can't control where the postings begin or
end--
But they lost their sanity long ago, so don't worry about them, friends!
Warner roll call:
Rita! (Meow?)
Yakko! (Look out, sibs!)
Wakko! (Is it lunchtime yet?)
Doooot! (I'm cute!)
If you're wondering how they eat and breathe, and other science facts,
(la la la)
Repeat to yourself, "It's a damn CARTOON-- I should really just relax
For Mystery Warner Theater 3000."
...o...2...3...4...5...6...WB
[Scene: The interior of a watertower. It is well-furnished-- tables,
chairs, beds, dressers, kitchen, rollercoaster, and other basics. Sit-
ting at a table are three odd-looking creatures. The tallest one-- evi-
dent even while sitting-- is wearing tan slacks. The one to his left is
somewhat shorter and is wearing a light blue sweater and a red golfer's
cap-- backwards. The third member of this group wears a pink dress, and
exudes cuteness from every pore of her being. Sleeping on a nearby com-
puter terminal is a grey-and-white cat.]
Yakko: Is it me, or are we being watched?
Wakko: Don't say that; the only time anyone ever says that is at the be-
ginning of a *scary* cartoon!
Dot: I think Yakko's right-- someone is observing us.
[The giant TV set in the corner flashes into life. On it are two white
mice. One is tall and goofy-looking; the other is short, with a huge
head and a permanent scowl on his lips. In the background are two dogs;
one with a serious, if somewhat confused, look on his face, the other
with a smile on his lips that suggests a close encounter with a frontal
lobotomy.]
Yakko: [to readers] IIIII-- think the cartoon just started. [to TV]
What do you want, Brain?
Brain: My face on the one-dollar bill. But to do that, I must take over
the world! And you three will play a part in that plan.
Yakko: Uhh, listen, Shorty-- the notion of two mice taking over the
world is about as dumb an idea as giving Brannon Braga control of the
Star Trek universe. Why don't you go back to writing spec scripts?
Pinky: 'Cause they threatened us with flamethrowers. [Brain hits him]
<poit!>
Brain: Because I am tired of being a bit player on this stage, as Shake-
speare so eloquently phrased it--
Pinky: But Brain, you told me you wrote that-- [Brain hits him again]
<narf!>
Brain: Interrupt me again at the peril of your life, Pinky. No, I will
be more than that! I WILL RULE THE EARTH!
Wakko: How d'you plan on doing it? The Earth's a big place.
Brain: Subliminal messages in children's shows-- a fusion of some of my
earlier works. Which is where you come in. I will send you mind-numbing-
ly dumb postings from the Internet. When you are suitably weakened, I
will use you and your cartoons to plant the idea in the minds of all
children that I am the rightful ruler of the Earth!
Pinky: Egad, Brain, brilliant! Oh, wait, no-- what if they don't have
TVs?
Brain: Popularity, Pinky. Peer pressure will bring in those we miss on
the first pass. Soon enough, all children of the world will bow to me!
And then-- Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Pinky: I think so, Brain. But how will we get the cheese and motor oil
out of our fur? [Brain whips out a sledgehammer and smashes Pinky flat]
Brain: Focus, Pinky. As for the three of you, prepare to eat dull pos-
ting! This comes from a religious flake who lost his job shortly after
dumping this on rec.arts.tv.mst3k -- not the first time he's done this,
so I expect we'll hear from him again. And so will you. Feel the fire!
[lights and sirens go on; the trio appear unimpressed]
Yakko: Oh, how thrilling.
WB...6...5...4...3...2...1...o...
[Dot enters the theatre alone]
> Path: s-cwis.unomaha.edu!sol.ctr.
Dot: Oh, *that's* a good sign.
> columbia.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!
[Yakko and Wakko can be heard just outside the theater]
Wakko: [wheedling] Pleeeeeeease?
Yakko: No.
> news.sprintlink.net!uunet!in1.uu.net!gumby!andrews-cc!
Dot: Gumby, no!
>jaca.cc.andrews.edu!thomas
Wakko: Come on, just this once.
Yakko: <sigh> Oh, all right.
[Yakko carries Wakko in.]
> From: tho...@redwood.cc.andrews.edu (Clarence L. Thomas IV)
Yakko: We have his address! Launch net.anvil!
> Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k
> Subject: Free Bible Prophecy Evangelistic Meetings Now In Progress
Wakko: Welcome to Mystery Non-Sequitur Theatre.
> Date: Wed, 1 Mar 1995 19:37:20
> Organization: Andrews University Computing Center, Berrrien Springs,
Dot: Oh, grand; he can't even spell the name of his hometown.
Yakko: Sibs, I think we're in trouble.
Wakko: For the first time in my life, I don't want to eat anything...
> MI, 49104
Wakko: Oh, he's a Starship Trooper.
Dot: Wakko, no one's gonna get that.
> Lines: 73
> Message-ID: <thomas.30...@redwood.cc.andrews.edu>
> NNTP-Posting-Host: jaca.cc.andrews.edu
> Keywords: Jesus, Revelation, Daniel, Prophecy, Bible
Yakko: Satan, Beelzebub, Mephistopheles.
Wakko: Why those names?
Dot: They relate to the author of this post.
>
> As you watch and experience the tremendous and rapid changes on planet
> Earth, a number of critical questions form in your mind:
Wakko: How can puberty be so cruel?
Yakko: [big Dating Game kiss] Goodnight, everybody.
> What is happening? Why is it happening? What will happen next?
Dot: Find out next time on "As the Net Turns".
> How do I fit in? Where can I get the correct answers?
Yakko: Are Cliffs Notes a good investment?
Wakko: [sings] Where are we going? Why do we feel so small?/
Alone and helpless/ In this cr-azy world?/
Looking for something/ That's so hard to describe,/
But just like children/ Going along for the ride again, ride
again...
Dot: Stay out of my CDs, Wakko.
Wakko: Sorry. I got carried away.
>
> To answer these questions and more
Dot: Consult your "Trivial Pursuit" deck.
> Pastor Mark Finley, speaker/director of the "It Is Written"
> international
> television program,
Wakko: Well, that's rather obvious. I mean, you have to write *some-
thing* to have a television program, don't you?
Yakko: Tell that to the makers of "seaQuest DSV".
> is presenting a full evangelistic series entitled "Discoveries in
> Prophecy". Based on the Biblical books of Daniel and Revelation,
Dot: --about as faithfully as _Who Framed Roger Rabbit?_ is based on
_Who Censored Roger Rabbit?_--
Yakko: Screenplay by Dino De Laurentiis.
> this series is open to the public,
> is free of charge, and is
Dot: Duller than advertised.
> broadcast in English and Spanish via satellite to
> all of North America.
>
Wakko: [Outer Limits-style] We will control all you see and hear....
Yakko & Dot: YAAAH! Don't *do* that!
Wakko: Sorry.
> Historians, politicians, religious people of every faith and belief,
Yakko: As long as they're Christian.
> scientists, teachers, students, children, teenagers, mothers, fathers,
Wakko: What about small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri?
Dot: Weak union.
> husbands, and wives--all--
Yakko: Yeah, I'd say you about covered the whole of the human race.
Dot: Does that mean we can't get in?
Yakko: 'Fraid so.
Wakko: Why am I not terribly bothered by that?
> are invited, encouraged, and urged to attend
> these most interesting, life-changing, life-saving, and 100% Bible-
> based
> evangelistic series.
Dot: With 1/3 less fat!
Yakko: And no artificial flavors or preservatives.
[Wakko pulls the words off the screen and eats them -- then looks nau-
seated, grabs a bag, and sticks his face in it]
Dot: Slick move, Wakko.
> Here's how you can receive more information:
Yakko: First you have to die. Then wait -- and wait, and wait, and
wait...
Wakko: There's an easier way.
Yakko: Oh? How?
Wakko: Get your news admin to carry alt.current-events.net-abuse.
>
> For satellite dish owners call:
Wakko: Wait, does this mean if we call, we'll receive a satellite dish
owner? I'm confused.
Dot: So what else is new?
> 1-800-253-3000 (United States, Canada)
>
> To find the nearest church receiving the satellite feed
Yakko: Just wander around the neighborhood.
> call:
>
> 1-800-253-3000 (United States, Canada)
Dot: To complain about inappropriate posting, call...
Wakko: Hey, those are the same numbers! Why'd he repeat them?
Yakko: [John Malkovich] To punctuate the dreariness.
> To view the "Discoveries in Prophecy" series via 3ABN
All: ABIAN?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
> (Three Angels Broadcast Network, headquarters in the United States)
Yakko: At Anaheim Stadium. Seeing as it isn't going to see any other use
for a *long* while....
> call:
>
> 1-800-752-3226 (United States, Canada) or
> 618-627-4651
>
> If the above phone numbers do not work in your country,
Dot: [as poster] Call-- oh, yeah, right.
> or you have questions or comments,
Yakko: I've got a comment-- but if I say it, we get thrown off the air!
> FAX your request to the following number which is located in
> Berrien Springs,
Wakko: And other suspension parts.
> Michigan, United States:
>
> 616-471-6072
Dot: Show them how much you care by putting a continuous loop of black
paper in your fax machine! They'll never forget you!
> Below are the the current "Discoveries in Prophecy" lecture dates and
> titles:
>
> February 18 "Countdown to Eternity"
Yakko: IIIIIIIIII-- think we're already there. Least it feels like it.
> February 19 "A World in Turmoil"
Dot: The world ate Branimaniacs.
> February 21 "The Time of the Beast"
Yakko: When you hear the sound of the snarl, the time will be...
Wakko: These sound like Babylon 5 episodes.
> February 22 "2000 and Beyond"
Yakko: On the Discovery Channel-- oh, wait; that's "Beyond 2000".
> February 24 "Alive at the End Time"
Dot: How to keep your employees awake until 5PM.
> February 25 "Amazing Discoveries in the Lost Cities of the
> Dead"
Wakko: Interesting New Smells.
Yakko: If you've discovered them, they aren't lost any more, are they?
> February 26 "Our Inhabited Universe"
Wakko: As opposed to the Dead Zones. Like Cleveland. Or Iowa.
Yakko: Hey, our universe is inhabited!
Dot: Good, I was worried I didn't exist.
> February 28 "Why Must Innocent People Suffer?"
Dot: Because otherwise the Russians would never have written all those
novels.
> March 1 "The Bible's Longest and Most Amazing Prophecy"
All: Supercalafragilisticexpialadocious.
> March 3 "Why Our Streets Have Become Unsafe"
Wakko: Midnight Basketball leagues?
> March 4 "A 6000-Year-Old Remedy for Tension"
Yakko & Wakko: Hellooooo, nurse!
Dot: Boys. Go fig.
> March 5 "The Greatest Religious Cover-up in History"
Yakko: How *did* Clarence manage to keep his job this long?
> March 7 "The Waco Factor: Five Ways of Identifying a Cult Leader"
Dot: Number 1: He has lots of people following him around, willing to do
whatever he tells them. Number 2-- well, I guess Number 1 about covers
it.
> March 8 "The Real Truth About Near-Death Experiences"
Wakko: Turn that flashlight off!
> March 10 "The Bible's Ancient Health Secrets
Dot: It's "Buns of Steel", with Ezekiel and Daniel?
Yakko: I thought it was the "Song of Solomon".
> (Mysteries of the Mummies)"
Wakko: [Egyptian] Hey, where's all the toilet paper?
> March 11 "How to Successfully Bury the Past"
Dot: A great big bulldozer works best.
Yakko: Holocaust revisionists, take note.
> March 14 "Why So Many Denominations?"
Wakko: 'Cause if all we had was pennies, our wallets would need 18
wheels and a diesel engine.
> March 15 "The Mystery of Revelation's Babylon Revealed"
Yakko: It's a space station, five miles long, located in neutral terri-
tory, all alone in the night.
Dot: Oh, I get it, it's a "Babylon 5" ref thingy, ha ha.
> March 17 "The Search for Certainty"
Wakko: I'm *certain* this has *nothing* to do with MST3K.
> March 18 "On the Edge of Tomorrow--The New World Order"
Yakko: OW!
Dot: What is it?
Yakko: I just cut myself on the edge of tomorrow!
> March 21 "A Financial Secret the World Does Not Know"
Wakko: MAKE.MONEY.FAST.
> March 22 "The Mark of the Beast
Wakko: A stylized donkey.
> and The Mysterious #666"
Wakko: Ronald Wilson Reagan.
Yakko: Guest lecturer-- Robert McElwaine.
> March 24 "The Holy Spirit and the Unpardonable Sin"
Dot: Belching your way through the hymns.
> March 25 "Revelation's Glorious Climax"
Yakko: [Big Dating Game kiss] Goodnight, everybody!
> -----
> Clarence L. Thomas IV
> Phone: 616-471-6116
> E-mail: tho...@redwood.cc.andrews.edu
> Clarence L. Thomas IV
> Phone: 616-471-6116
> E-mail: tho...@redwood.cc.andrews.edu
Yakko: Then you realize you're an alcoholic when you repeat yourself,
you realize you're an alcoholic when you repeat yourself, you realize--
oh dang it dang it dang it....
Dot: Oh, that's smart; send annoying posts *with your home phone num-
ber*!
Wakko: [John Belushi] Let's get the heck out of here....
[They saunter out]
...o...2...3...4...5...6...WB
Rita: How was it?
Yakko: I'd rather have been locked in a closet with Francis Pumphandle.
Wakko: My bottom hurts.
Dot: Three words: Dumber Than Advertised.
Brain: Now, you will do my bidding.
Warners: Why?
Brain: Because you are under my control.
Warners: Why?
Brain: Because of that posting!
Warners: Why?
Brain: BECAUSE IT ROTTED YOUR TINY MINDS INTO NOTHINGNESS!!!!!!
Warners: Why?
Brain: *BECAUSE IT WAS BAD!* *AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!* [his head bursts into
flames. Pinky hits him in the face with a stream from a fire extinguish-
er, which knocks him on his tail. The two dogs then proceed to stomp on
him]
Runt: Catching fire is bad. Definitely, definitely bad.
Buttons: [nodding] Woof.
[Brain picks himself up, shakes himself back into a 3-dimensional form,
dusts himself off, brains Pinky with the fire extinguisher, then faces
front]
Brain: You may have survived this, but you won't be so fortunate next
time! Until next time--
[The door in the background flies open, revealing a grey squirrel with
a hat and purse. She looks old-- and annoyed]
Slappy: [advancing towards Brain] What da heck 'r' ya doin' here? I told
ya about doin' those stupid MST3K parodies! [begins beating the dickens
--as well as the Hawthorne, the Melville, the Stowe, and several other
authors-- out of Brain]
Pinky: Oh, well. [claps his hands; the screen goes blank]
Yakko: Well, only one thing left to do.
Dot: Oh, no-- not that. Not the Wheel of Morality!
Wakko: I knew it could get worse....
[Yakko steps up to the Wheel and gives it a spin]
Yakko: "Wheel of Morality, turn, turn, turn/ Tell us the lesson that we
should learn."
[The Wheel stops on Bankrupt]
Dot: Thank you, Amazing Kreskin.
Wakko: I'm hungry.
Yakko: Goodnight, everybody!
MSTed by Chris French & Petrea Mitchell ("The Runt & Rita of r.a.t.m.")
(<cfre...@s-cwis.unomaha.edu> & <pr...@mvp.com>)
Host segments by Chris French
"Love Theme from MWT3K" by Petrea Mitchell
(with apologies to the usual people)
Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters and situations are copy-
right Best Brains, Inc. Animaniacs, its characters and situations are
copyright Amblin. No copyrights were intentionally infringed in the mak-
ing of this MSTing.
If you'd like to MSTify some deserving piece, contact <misties-request@
jg.cso.uiuc.edu> to join the MSTing dibs list.
If you're the sort of person who considers it your mission in life to
send annoying posts where they really have no business appearing, please
feel free to do so-- we need the exercise....
> "March 4 'A 6000-Year-Old Remedy for Tension.'"
> "March 25 'Revelation's Glorious Climax'"
Roger M. Wilcox
>
>> MI, 49104
>
>Wakko: Oh, he's a Starship Trooper.
>Dot: Wakko, no one's gonna get that.
"The MI take care of their own." -- Robert Heinlein
(Worse, two software companies ago I was working for a bunch whose product
was entitled "Math Investigations". Internally to the company, it was
ALWAYS referred to as "M.I.".)
--
Roger M. Wilcox rog...@cisco.com (a.k.a. tra...@netcom.com)
------------------- I'm not flying fast, just orbiting low. ----------------
"En la mondon venis nova sento, Tra la mondo iras forta voko" -- Zamenhoff
timothy k istian soholt
alcoholic? :-) )
Petrea Mitchell <pem...@acf3.nyu.edu> (with a little help from
Christopher French) wrote:
>> columbia.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!
My warped brain couldn't help but read the last part of that as "howl and
rest on an[t]s ne[s]t -- no idea what it means, just seemed interestingly
bizarre.
>> MI, 49104
>Wakko: Oh, he's a Starship Trooper.
>Dot: Wakko, no one's gonna get that.
Net.idiots, Mr. Rico! Jillions of 'em!
Jeez, it must be at least ten years since I read _Starship Troopers_!
>Wakko: What about small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri?
>Dot: Weak union.
Hoo, boy! A semi-obscure Heinlein ref, and now a Douglas Adams ref. The
thing I love about the net.mstings is that they have refs the Brains
wouldn't dream of making!
>> February 18 "Countdown to Eternity"
>> February 19 "A World in Turmoil"
>> February 21 "The Time of the Beast"
>Wakko: These sound like Babylon 5 episodes.
Or X-Men comic book titles . . .
>> March 7 "The Waco Factor: Five Ways of Identifying a Cult Leader"
>Dot: Number 1: He has lots of people following him around, willing to do
>whatever he tells them. Number 2-- well, I guess Number 1 about covers
>it.
I'm mildly surprised there was no mention of the similarity between
"Waco" and "Wakko."
>> March 18 "On the Edge of Tomorrow--The New World Order"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
>Yakko: OW!
>Dot: What is it?
>Yakko: I just cut myself on the edge of tomorrow!
Not _Illuminati_ types, I take it? Or did you think that would have been
too easy?
Okay, I know I pointed out a number of (IMHO) missed opportunities, but
hey, we do that to the episodes we all know and love! This was a
marvelous piece of work, and I hope this isn't the last time you guys do
it. (Uhm, er, you know what I mean!) What really frightens me is that you
managed to capture the essence of the Animaniacs characters in your
MSTing. I don't know how you did it, and I probably don't _want_ to know,
but I hope that it's not a one-time deal! (Lotta exclamation points in
that last paragraph. Oh, well. You deserved every one of them.)
--
Tim Soholt (xoa...@unm.edu)
"When the world is threatened with eternal harmony, a little chaos can go a
long way."
-- Ad copy for Masamune Shirow's _Orion_
Petrea Mitchell
: Bravo! Author! Author! (Hey, I repeated myself! Does this mean that I'm an
: alcoholic? :-) )
Well, there are two of us (more if you're counting the voices in
our heads)...
: Petrea Mitchell <pem...@acf3.nyu.edu> (with a little help from
: Christopher French) wrote:
Actually it was all Chris's idea. I was just along for the ride.
[lots of gushing deleted by the ego-meter]
Thank yew! <bows>
--
/ <|> <|> <pr...@mvp.com> <pr...@gm.dev.com>
Petrea Mitchell <pem...@is.nyu.edu>
"Buzz in and tell me what food you would most like to wear on your head,
assuming cheese is not available." ---Julie Stalhut
Christopher Motherway
Mike Nelson: "You got your Animaniacs in my MST3K!!"
Steven Speilberg: "You got your MST3K in my Animaniacs!!!"
Petrea MITCHELL!: "Two great shows that go AWESOME together!!!"
I hope you do more of those "AniMSTiacs" posts soon!
Chris Wolvie mot...@sunrise.cse.fau.edu
Disclaimer: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
==============================================================================
Florida Atlantic University, Boca Raton (The Rat's Mouth), Florida
==============================================================================
"I like acting, especially the parts where I don't have say anything."
-Tom (as Kathy Ireland), MST3K, "Alien From L.A."
Petrea Mitchell
: Seriuosly,......I LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!
: Mike Nelson: "You got your Animaniacs in my MST3K!!"
: Steven Speilberg: "You got your MST3K in my Animaniacs!!!"
: Petrea MITCHELL!: "Two great shows that go AWESOME together!!!"
But... but it wasn't even my idea! [points frantically at
cfre...@s-cwis.unomaha.edu] His! His! It's just that he isn't get-
ting along with his newsreader!
: I hope you do more of those "AniMSTiacs" posts soon!
timothy k istian soholt
> But... but it wasn't even my idea! [points frantically at
>cfre...@s-cwis.unomaha.edu] His! His! It's just that he isn't get-
>ting along with his newsreader!
It would seem that local net.celeb Chris French is having, ahem, personal
problems. Call in the _National Enquirer_!
Petrea Mitchell
: > But... but it wasn't even my idea! [points frantically at
: >cfre...@s-cwis.unomaha.edu] His! His! It's just that he isn't get-
: >ting along with his newsreader!
: It would seem that local net.celeb Chris French is having, ahem, personal
: problems. Call in the _National Enquirer_!
He led me into temptation, I tell you! :-)
ObMST3K: "Cheryl Ladd is woefully miscast in `The Wilma Rudolph Story'!"
--
/ <|> <|> <pr...@mvp.com> <pr...@gm.dev.com>
Petrea Mitchell <pem...@is.nyu.edu>
"You're watching `The Critic'. Shame on you."
---commercial bumper during "The Critic"
CHRISTOPHER I. FRENCH
: timothy k istian soholt (xoa...@unm.edu) wrote:
: : Petrea Mitchell <pem...@acf3.nyu.edu> wrote:
: : > But... but it wasn't even my idea! [points frantically at
: : >cfre...@s-cwis.unomaha.edu] His! His! It's just that he isn't get-
: : >ting along with his newsreader!
: : It would seem that local net.celeb Chris French
What the *HELL* did I do to deserve *THIS* appelation?!
: : is having, ahem, personal problems.
What the -- NO, I'M NOT! WHAT IS ALL THIS --
: : Call in the _National Enquirer_!
*DON"T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT IT* !!!!!
: He led me into temptation, I tell you! :-)
But -- but -- but -- but -- but -- but -- but -- but -- but -- oh, hell....
[sound of sniveling and whimpering]
Chris "The next _ST:Voyager_ plot has to do with mutiny. Look for the name
Petrea Mitchell under 'head writer'." French
--
"Here we are -- born to be Kings!/ |
We're the Princes of the Universe!/ | 7(AK) 28(DCA) 51(NB) 37(RO)
Here we belong -- fightin' to survive/ |_____________________________________
In a war with the Darkest Power!" -Queen, "Princes of the Universe"