A Grand Slam MiSTing (1/4)
Bill Livingston
working on it (since Tom has the whole non-operative arms issue) and Tom is
kibitzing]
Tom: Okay, now just highlight the column.
Mike: Right. [pause] Um, how do I do that?
Tom: *sigh* Just put the cursor over the column header - that's the big "B"
in the gray box at the top - and click the left mouse button.
Mike: Oh, all right. [Mike works the mouse for a moment] Okay, yeah. I think
that's got it.
Tom: Great! [muttering] Took ya along enough to get there. [Normal] Hokay
then, now go to the top of the screen and click "Data" and -
Mike: Oh, I know - that android from "Star Trek" shows up and does this for
me, right? Heh heh heh.
Tom: [coldly] Look, Nelson, do you want to get this done or not?
Mike: Sorry, yeah, just trying to lighten things up. [Notices Cambot is on]
Oh,hey people. Mike Nelson up here on the Satellite of Love, and Tom's
here helping me with some computer stuff.
Tom: Yeah, as much as possible, anyway.
Mike: See, Tom has his underwear collection in a spreadsheet now, and he can
make all kinds of graphs and charts and neat little doodads, so I figure
I might as well join the 21st century and put my coin collection on
here, too.
Tom: And he played off my better nature to get me to help.
Mike: I gave you a box of Caramel Coated Ramchips.
Tom: Yeah, and I'm considering giving them back at this point.
Mike: Oh, c'mon, it hasn't been *that* bad.
Tom: Hasn't been - first we had to find a C/PM converter and convert your
files - your *WordStar* files, I might add!
Mike: WordStar's a good program.
Tom: Yeah, if you're living in 1983! Then we had to reassemble it all because
*you* like variety so much you didn't have your data formatted the same
way twice! *Then* we spent a couple of hours getting a Comma Separated
file into Excel! And for what?!?
Mike: Well - my coin collection.
Tom: You've only got three farging coins in your stupid collection, Nelson - a
Maryland Quarter, a Chuck E. Cheese game token, and a penny with old,
cruddy bubble gum stuck to Lincoln's beard that you found the day you
got sent here!
Mike: [pause] So what's your point?
Tom: Don't you think maybe - just *maybe* - this effort's a little excessive
for three stinking coins?!
Mike: Well... maybe. But I think I ought to be able to have the same cool
graphics and stuff.
Tom: Rrrrgh!! Give me one reason - just *one* good reason - to keep putting
myself through this chamber of torture!
Mike: I'll give you another box of ramchips?
Tom: HA! [pause] Peanut butter this time?
Mike: You bet.
Tom: [cheerily] Okay, just click "Data" and select "Convert Text to Columns".
Mike: Right, let's see...
[Before Mike can figure out the mysteries of Excel, Crow enters from stage
right. He is covered almost entirely in corporate name brand stickers]
Crow: Hey guys.
Mike: Hey, Crow, how's it - gyah! Crow, what's all this?
Tom: Yeah, you look like a walking billboard.
Crow: That's the idea.
Mike & Tom: Huh?
Crow: In order to help offset the sudden rise in gas prices, I've sold
advertising space on my carapace.
Mike: [Confused] Um, I don't quite get the connection here, Crow. I mean...
Crow: Well, it's simple, Mike. I mean, NASCAR drivers can get boocoo bucks
just for slapping an advertising sticker on their souped-up jalopies, so
I figure this goes them one better.
Tom: [examining Crow's stickers] Wal-Mart, IBM, Pizza Hut, lileks.com - geez,
Crow, you actually got all these companies to pay you for this?!
Crow: Sure! [pause] Well, not as yet, no. But once they find out about it,
they won't have any choice but to cough up the dough!
Tom: Uhhhh - okay.
Mike: Listen, Crow, I don't know how much money you think you're gonna make...
Crow: Well, my initial projection is about 20 grand per month. But I may have
to downsize that a tad
Mike: Um, okay, but - you said this is a hedge against gas prices?
Crow: Exactly, Mike. It's getting awfully expensive, y'know, and I gotta
build up a strategic reserve to keep myself running.
Tom: Huh?
Crow: Oh I know, I know, I shoulda done it earlier when prices were lower. I
don't really know why I didn't.
Mike: Maybe because you don't run on gas.
[pause]
Crow: Really?
Tom: Of course not, Crow. You're powered by a system of triply-redundant
chromium- cadmium battery packs.
Crow: Well, I'll be - hahaha, you're right, Tom, I'd completely forgotten
about that! Boy, what the heck was *I* thinking?
Tom: I've often wondered.
[lights begin to flash]
Mike: Well, we'll plumb that mystery later. Looks like our presence is being
requested elsewhere. How do, Pearl?
[CASTLE FORRESTER - Pearl & company are gathered about a computer of their
own.]
Pearl: So you're sure?
Bobo: Oh, the results are quite conclusive, Lawgiver - look at the chart here,
here, and uhhh - oh, here.
Observer: And what about here?
Bobo: Oh, that's just a macro that opens up a "Bookworm" session.
Observer: "Bookworm"?
Bobo: Yes, it's a game where you have to connect letters and form words.
Observer: [intrigued] I see, and the longer the word the higher the score.
Bobo: Right - it's a great way to kill an afternoon.
Observer: It sounds quite fascinating, let's have a look at it, shall we?
Bobo: Sure, This oughta be right up your...
Pearl: [reaching out and pinning Bobo's Mouse hand] Hey - Wheeler and Woolly -
we're in the middle of something here! Mad Science *now*, word games
later!
Bobo: Ow. Uh, sorry Lawgiver
Observer: Yes, please, go on. [whispering to Bobo] You're sure it's
bookmarked?
Bobo: Oh yes, definitely.
Pearl: [to Mike] Okay, Nelpole, it's like this - you know I've been trying to
break your will for a long time now. But so far, despite throwing
everything at you clowns from "Neptune Men" and "Final Justice" to that
fake "Spider-Man" movie script and that Neo-Zero-Gogo-Hojo thing, you've
remained *annoyingly* unbreakable.
Bobo: Ooh, that was a confusing movie.
Pearl: Can it, Chimpley! Anyway, thanks to this little study we've put
together, I've been forced to conclude - albeit reluctantly - that
clobbering you with these big giant cheesy projects is a wipe. A bust.
A complete zero.
[SOL - Mike & the bots have their bags packed and on the console]
Mike: So that's it - experiment's over?!?
Tom: Vacation time! Woohoo!
Crow: Kim Cattrall, here I come!
[CF - Bobo & Observer are huddled around the screen in the back]
Observer: Ooh, "Banana". That's a good one.
Bobo: Thanks. It's a personal best!
Pearl: CEASE!!! [To Mike] I swear, no one listens to *anything* I say around
here! And that includes you three semicephalics! I never said anything
about letting you go, Nelson - just that the current deal isn't working.
Which means it's time for a *new* approach.
[SOL]
Tom: A *new* approach? Oh, what, are you going to subject us to bad sitcoms?
Reality shows? Infomercials?
Crow: Uh, Servo...
Tom: Video Games? Children's Books, maybe? *Software Manuals*?
Mike: Tom, maybe you...
Tom: Graphic Novels? Cubist paintings? Ancient codicils of...
Mike & Crow: *TOM!*
Tom: Huh?
Crow: Servo, you *do* realize who you're talking to?!?
Tom: Well, sure, it's - uhm - uh-oh.
[CF - Pearl scribbles furiously on a legal pad as Bobo & Observer continue
messing around with the PC]
Pearl: Hmmm, you've got real evil potential, Servo - that's not a bad list!
Well, except the reality show thing - *way* overdone. But I actually
had something else in mind. See, instead of sending you up a honking
snotfull of badness, like "Armageddon" or some multi-part Mary
Sue-infused "Buffy/Harry Potter" saga, I'm gonna try hitting you all in
sequence with a quartet of tiny but truly fetid pieces of prose. We'll
start with a nigh-incoherent piece of Spam about counting up to doomsday
in fours - or sixes - or something like that. [flips page] Let's see,
that's followed by a visit from Rob Morris and his All-Star Cavalcade of
Unlikely Crossovers! And the others are - ah, but why spoil the
surprise? Get ready for a four-part harmony of PAIN!!! BWAHAHAHA-
Bobo: Wow! An eight-letter word! And with a gold tile!
Observer: Well, "brainpan" is deucedly simple, you know.
Pearl: *That's* it! I'm installing HenchmanGuard - *TODAY*!
[SOL - Mike is peeling the last sticker off Crow's head net]
Crow: Careful, it's hard to find that shade of gold paint.
Mike: Well, if you hadn't used Krazy Glue...
Crow: Oh sure, blame me for this just because it's *my* fault!
Tom: You - you guys don't *really* think she'll make us look at *software
manuals*, do you?
Mike: I hope not, Tom...
[Lights Flash]
Mike: But we can't worry about that now...
ALL: WE GOT QUADRUPLE EXPERIMENT SIGN!!! AAAAAHHH!!!
[As they head back, the last sticker pops off Crow, and Mike goes flying
backwards]
[6] {5} (4) <3> |2| O
[All enter]
Crow: You okay?
Mike: Oh, nothing a few gallons of Demerol won't fix.
>From: HigherDi...@hotmail.com (higherdimensions7)
Tom: Kltpzyxm! [pause] Blast, it's still here!
>Newsgroups: soc.history.what-if
Crow: What if there were no alternate histories?
>Subject: The FOUR=$=4=Kings,
Mike: George Clooney, Markie Mark & Ice Cube are joined by Ashton Kutcher!
> coordinates at present time, most plausible clue
Crow: Miss Scarlet in the Kitchen with the Lead Pipe.
>Date: 24 Jan 2004 16:46:25 -0800
>Organization: http://groups.google.com
>Lines: 56
>Message-ID: <9b13abf2.04012...@posting.google.com>
Mike: I'm sorry, you need *two* forms of ID to post here.
>NNTP-Posting-Host: 81.153.41.157
>Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1
>Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit
Tom: Actual content: 2-bit.
>X-Trace: posting.google.com 1074991586 15891 127.0.0.1 (25 Jan 2004 00:46:26 GMT)
>X-Complaints-To: groups...@google.com
>NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 25 Jan 2004 00:46:26 +0000 (UTC)
>Path: corp.newsgroups.com!propagator2-maxim!propagator4-maxim!
Mike: Maxim has its own newsfeed?
Tom: Yeah, you oughta see the sysadmins! Hubba hubba!
> news-in-sterling.newsfeed.com!
>priapus.visi.com!
Crow: *ahem!*
Mike: Looks like the Maxim newsfeed did its job.
> orange.octanews.net!news.octanews.net!
Crow: Spider-Man vs Doc Octanews! This summer!
> news-out.visi.com!petbe.visi.com!
>newsfeed2.dallas1.
Tom: Boy, if we could just wake up and have all this be a dream.
Crow: Yeah, but that would entail watching Mike get out of the shower.
Tom: But we already have that hidden minicam that...
Mike: Huh?!?
Crow: Tom! Ix-nay!
Tom: Heh! Uh, nothing, Mike.
> level3.net!news.level3.com!postnews1.google.com!not-for-mail
>Xref: corp soc.history.what-if:30323
>Status: N
>
>'THE FOUR KINGS'
>
All: o/` We four kings of internet are
Sending spam to newsgroups afar. o/`
>There is still a hope for reconciliation,
Mike: As long as you balance payments with receivables, sure.
> act in time.
Crow: One of Keanu Reeve's goals in life.
> Try to
>outmanoeuvre
Tom: Woah! Vowel Barrage!
> Lucifer=444.
Crow: Marked down from 666.
Mike: Man, that little Wal-Mart Smiley Face Guy is *EVERYWHERE*!
> Humans are in the image of GOD!
>
Tom: So God looks like Alyson Hannigan *and* Danny DeVito? How?
Mike: It's a theological mystery.
>
>Life is based on Carbon, Atomic number 6.
Crow: Unless you're a Horta.
>Carbon electron orbitals can be represented as 222, 444, and 666.
Tom: 888 just barely missed the cut.
>God dose not play (six sided) dice
Crow: God rolls a 20-sider.
> versus sheer uncertainty
Mike: We demand rigidly defines areas of uncertainty!
>and probability principle
Tom: By L. Neil Smith.
> apply.
>English =444,
Crow: That's only because the square root of 2 is Prince Andrew.
> if the international languages
Mike: Love?
Crow: Money?
Tom: Esperanto?
> has letters arranged in
>arithmetical series with progressions 6.
Mike: Maybe you can enhance the arrangement with, oh, a sconce or a nice swag
or something.
>Then following message could be decoded:
Tom: *Ahem* John has a nice dog. Mary's sister wears a blue dress. The
banjo is angry at midnight.
>A=6, B=12, C=18 ..........Y=150, Z=156
>
Crow: Aw man, I'd love to get a Z-156! They're so cool!
>Four=360 (a complete circle around the globe)
Mike: Around the world in 444 days!
>Four=360=Kings= origin coordinates longitude zero
Tom: Hey, he's generating Spam headers.
Crow: Increase Your L_0_V_E_L_1_F_E Rotate Irascible Gumshoe 444
>The most plausible French King by inheritance is 'Henry the 8'='666'
Tom: [demonic-sounding voice] o/` Oi'm Henry the Eighth Oi Am! Oi'm
gonna rip your soul out in bloody bits, Oi am Oi am! o/`
Mike: Wasn't Henry the 8th English?
Tom: Never stopped Captain Picard.
>(8 is H=48). His prodigy would also be Kings, and speak same language.
>
Crow: French, then?
Mike: Let's not jump to conclusions.
>The four kings
Tom: That would be B.B. King...
Crow: Larry King...
Mike: King Vidor...
Tom: And Jack "King" Kirby.
> must have been able to rule 4 corners of the earth.,
>therefore they must be 'The Best' fighting force in the world,
[All hum the theme to "The A-Team"]
> due to
>their High-Tech supremacy, and unprecedented ability to play Mind
>Games,
Mike: I had a girlfriend like that once.
> along with GM & what have you.
Tom: Yeah, man! Chevy roolz, Ford droolz!
>US($), Canada($), Australia($),
Crow: So, to sum up: $.
> and UK(Pound for/the ..gers?)
Crow: Sure, but - tha hell?
Mike: Somewhere, Mavis Beacon just sits on the ground and weeps openly.
> ='The
>Middle Earth'
Tom: Yeah yeah yeah, one ring to rule them all and all that crap. Can we
just move along, please!?
> 360 or 0 degree Longitude etc.
>
Crow: One or the other. Whichever.
>Kings are suppose to conquer foreign lands.
Tom: But they still only move one square at a time.
> But only four Kings
>together are mentioned,
Crow: The others aren't even listed in the IMDb.
> so, if Kings strife for more land then nature
>may not allow, as there is no mention of fifth King.
Mike: I was at a poker game once where someone drew the fifth king. Boy,
that got ugly *real* fast!
> Stargate type of
>code is set.
Tom: Not even Teal'c and Colonel O'Neil can tell what this is about.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> 'THE COORDINATES'
>
Mike: [Kirk] SetCOURSE... andenGAGEmisterSULU!
>Base numbers 2=two=342= 18 degrees east
Crow: So two equals - um, two?
Tom: With ya so far.
Crow: And two then equals 342?
Mike: I'll admit, that part seems unlikely.
Crow: Which, in turn, equals 18 degrees?
Tom: Oh well, if you gotta convert to metric, all bets are off!
> = Buda-pest's (HUNGRY)
Tom: No thanks, I just ate.
>longitude = Could also mean East / West dividing line
Crow: Oh, like Chris Tucker & Jackie Chan had in that movie!
> =(Buddha= India=
>90-18=72 Degree east?)
Crow: A desperate attempt to balance the epistemological equation.
Mike: That's what happens when math majors enroll in liberal arts courses.
> = this base number 2 is the starting points for
>major/final events.
>
Tom: Do not pass Go. Do not collect $444.
>Base number 4=Four=360=0 degree longitude=
Mike: Does anyone else see a problem with his equation?
Crow: I dunno, maybe he forgot to carry the one.
> the Global
>enclosure/situation, world history etc, also note 44E is Baghdad's
>longitude.
>
Crow: Not to mention Anna Nicole's cup size!
Tom: And, coincidentally enough, her IQ.
>Base number 6=six=312= 48 East= Kuwait's Longitude.
Mike: Which equals 76 Trombones.
Crow: Which equals 101 Dalmatians.
Tom: Which equals 99 Red Balloons.
> 666 is the number
>designated to Beast.
>For example Adolf Hitler=
Mike: Aaaand according to Godwin, this rant is now over.
Tom: Too bad Godwin's not here to enforce that.
> 660 short of an A,
Tom: He kept telling the teacher that the non-Aryans ate his homework.
> but Deutschland=666, and
>'Henry the 8'='666'.
Crow: Thus making Henry the 8th the first ever French Nazi King of England.
> There are few more people=666 from the history
>archives
Mike: All of them tonight - on "Biography".
> who did try to change history in a extremely brutal manner,
>and 666 got away with it,
Crow: The others would have if not for those meddling kids and their dog.
> they were fully protected by Lucifer=444.
Tom: Protect your diabolical despot with Lucifer Security Systems! Call
1-800-444-EVIL and ask for Bill Z. Bubb!
>Only few fortunate humans should be able to decipher their names.
Tom: Can you decipher your name, Mike?
Mike: I think it means "Archangel who plays early 90's hair rock".
>--------------------------------------------------------------------
>--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Jesus=444=Messiah=Cross=Nuclear=Weapon=444=Lucifer=Gospel=444
>
Mike: This is one weird interpretation of the Kabala.
Crow: Oh, that wacky Madonna!
> Crop circles?
>
Tom: [Mulder] The truth is out there. Well, kinda.
Mike: Okay, one down.
Crow: Well, *that's* a cheery thought.