MiSTing: Who Q? Where Q? [1/8]
Chris Mayfield
camf...@iastate.edu
[General opening antics]
[1...2...3...4...5...6...]
[SOL. Mike is sitting with his head in his hands, elbows propped up on
the desk. Crow and Tom have had their arms placed in similar positions.
They all look very bummed.]
All: [sigh]
[Gypsy comes on.]
Gypsy: What's wrong with you guys?
Crow: Dr. Forrester told us that he'd be sending us another Ratliff
fanfic.
Mike and Tom: [sigh]
Gypsy: Come on! You guys have faced worse!
Tom: But this is _Ratliff!_
Mike and Crow: [sigh]
Gypsy: What you guys need is a laugh! Ok--let's see...a priest, a
parson, and a rabbi--um, no...two guys walk into a bar...wait...I know!
What did the big can of beans say to the little can of beans? [pause]
Nothing! Beans can't talk!
[Gypsy looks expectantly at Mike, Tom, and Crow who sit there looking
miserable. After a couple seconds of no reaction, she lowers her head to
the desk.]
Gypsy: [sighs]
[light flashes]
[Commercials]
[SOL. Everyone is lined up head to head to head to head.]
Gypsy: [sighs]
Mike: [sighs]
Tom: [sighs]
Crow: Bud.
Tom: Weis.
Crow: Bud.
Tom: Weis.
[light flashes]
Mike: Knock it off, you two. The Scarecrow and Mrs. King are calling.
[Deep 13. Clayton is gloating. Mrs. Forrester is in the background,
knitting a wool noose.]
Dr. F: Ah, Nelson. You knew it was coming, didn't you? Well, now it's
here! And there's no escape! [laughs maniacally]
Mrs. F: [looks up] Clay, what are you laughing about now? You haven't
been chewing lead chips again, have you?
Dr. F: [annoyed] No, _mother._ I haven't done that since _college._ I'm
a grown man _now._ You don't always--
Mrs. F: [looking at the screen] What is this? Some sort of text
adventure? Is this one of those MUFs or MAPs or something? [shocked]
You're not having cybersex are you?
Dr. F: [under his breath] I wish...
Mrs. F: What was that?
Dr. F: Uh...I said I wish...to show you my latest experiment. It's
called a MiSTing. It's a text version of my regular experiments. Right
now I was getting ready to send them a Ratliff fanfic when--
Mrs. F: [standing up] Ratliff? _Stephen_ Ratliff?
Dr. F: [shocked] You've heard of him?
Mrs. F: Of course I've heard of him! Wherever discussions of pain and
misery are, there'll be talk of Ratliff. I've read some of his fiction
in Evil Reader's Digest. Clayton, I had no idea you worked with such a
pillar of malificence!
Dr. F: [rather proud] Well, you know...what can I say?
Mrs. F: So, what is it? Enterprized? A Gul's Revenge?
Dr. F: Who Q? Where Q?
Mrs. F: I don't believe I've read that one.
Dr. F: Don't worry, mom. Just watch the monitor. As for you, Nelson,
here it is, steaming hot from Ratliff's Web page. Bite down hard.
[pushes the button]
[SOL. Chaos.]
All: We've got fanfic sign!
[6...5...4...3...2...1...]
>Who Q? Where Q?
Crow: I put up with Ratliff putting Marrissa in charge of the Enterprise
saucer section, having her outsmart all the grownups, and being
promoted to whatever, but if Ratliff makes her one of the Q continuum,
I quit.
>
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>
Mike: ASCII Art: The Next Generation.
>A Girl's voice recites:
> Space ... the final frontier. There are the voyages of the
>starship Enterprise. Her mission,
All: _Her?_
Tom: I've heard about revisionism, but...
> to seek out new life, new
>civilizations,
All: To lamely go where everyone has already trampled to death.
> to boldly go where no one has gone before.
> At least that is what the Enterprise is suppose to be doing.
Tom: But with Ratliff writing, who knows what'll happen.
>Lately all the new life the Enterprise has seen is Nurse Ogawa's
Crow: [singing] Welcome to Nurse Ogawa. Music and food for twenty yen...
> new
>baby. The civilization we are working with this time is centuries old.
Mike: Aren't all civilizations pretty much centuries old? I mean, you
don't find "new" ones, just meet old ones for the first time.
>As for going were no one has gone before,
Tom: [Marrissa] Been there, seen that, done it.
> the Enterprise hasn't done
>that in over a year.
Mike: Ever since we got canceled.
> But then again a twelve and a half year old
>doesn't usually command a diplomatic mission either.
All: [weeping and gnashing of teeth]
Tom: God, please smite me now.
> That suprizes you doesn't it?
Crow: It really shouldn't. After all, we knew it was a Stephen "Plot
Contrivance" Ratliff story.
> Then let me introduce myself. I
>am Marrissa Amber Picard,
Tom: Evil Incarnate.
> adopted daughter of Captain Jean-Luc Picard,
>and commander of the Enterprise's Kid's crew.
Mike: [Marrissa] I'll be your guide to Hell for the following hour and a
half.
> I hold the rank of
>Ensign in Starfleet with all rights and privileges that entails.
Crow: I get first shot at the slurpee machine.
> I
>have commanded two ships at various times (the Maine and the Enterprise
>saucer section.)
Tom: Can voice-overs have parenthetical asides?
> for a total of 2 weeks. At this time I have 54 hours
>of Starfleet Academy credit.
Mike: I klepped out of Psych 101 and English 104.
> In fact I was completing 3 of those hours; Tactics 360,
>Diplomatic Negotiation;
Tom: Ah, yes, Tactics 360: being able to twist the words of your enemies
around until no one can tell what they really meant.
> when this began. I was waiting for my father,
>Captain Picard, by Holodeck Six ...
Crow: Come. Let us go there, back into the recesses of my memory...
>
> "I wish Dad would hurry up and get here so I can get this over
>with," Marrissa muttered. "Computer what time is it?"
Mike: [computer] It's past your bedtime.
> "1530,"
> "He's a half a hour late," She fumed.
Tom: Just another example of the increase in adolescent smoking.
> "Computer locate Captain
>Picard."
> "Captain Jean-Luc Picard is not aboard the Enterprise."
Crow: He got out of this story while the getting was good.
> "Computer who is presently in command of the the Enterprise."
Tom: The the Eye Creatures.
> "The Senior officer aboard, Ensign Marrissa Amber Picard."
>
Mike: Let the stupidity begin!
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>
>Marrissa's Personal Log
>presently Acting Commanding Officer USS Enterprise NCC-1701-D
>
> Where has all the rest of the crew gone? Or at least those who
>rank above me? I don't know.
Tom: I don't care.
> I quickly found out that, what ever had
>happened,
Mike: It was outside the bounds of any shred of believability.
> it left on the kids on board. So I have only 76 people to
>control
Crow: Whoa! Hello Ms. Power Trip!
> this ship, and on 56 of the being worth anything. I quickly
>sent my Kid's Crew to work.
Tom: In the salt mines.
> I sent Clara to Enginneering and Jay to
>organize the rest of my crew.
Crow: [Jay] Everyone who's potty trained, you're Security.
> Within ten minutes, the ship was
>beginning to be staffed and we were looking into our mission. I
>arrived at the bridge first
Mike: [Marrissa] I call shotgun!
> and took up CONN until the regular Kid's
>crew officer arrived ...
>
> "Computer, records search,
Tom: They still have LPs in the future?
> determine the pricise time the
>command crew dissappeared and link all visual records covering that
>time for tactical's reveiw," Marrissa said as Patterson Supra,
Mike: William Carlos Williams' little known sequel.
> the new
>chief of Security arrived. "Patterson, I want to Know
All: [singing] Iiiiiiii want to knoooooow...
Tom: I want to know about interesting character development.
Mike: Not in this fanfic.
Crow: I want to know about realistic dialogue.
Mike: Uh-uh. Not here.
Tom: I want to know about lame storylines, static characters, and
unbelievable plot evolution.
Mike: Anyone else?
Bots: NO!
Mike: Oh well. You're going to get it anyway.
> exacty who or
>what caused these disappearances."
> "Aye, sir," Patterson replied.
> Clara Sutter arrived next.
Crow: But by that time, all the jelly donuts were gone.
Mike: [Clara] Free continental breakfast my ass! I want real food!
> The Cheif Engineer and Second
>Officer was wearing the new yellow and blue secuirty and engineering
>outfit
Tom: Yellow and blue? Ugh. Better hope Mr. Blackwell isn't alive in the
24th century.
> as she reported, "Engineering is staffed. Shayna and I chould
>find no engineering reason for the disappearances- yet."
Mike: Insert ominous chord here.
> Jay Gordon, the first officer, arrived in the red and blue
>command uniform.
Crow: Dressed for duty or disaster, Jay Gordon knows the importance of
fashion. Our first officer is sporting a hot little red and blue number
that says, "I'm a kid, but _I'm_ the boss."
> "Duty schedule is posted," he said. "Alpha shift is
>reporting for duty. I have assigned people to take care of the younger
>children and feed all the pets.
Tom: [Marrissa] But who's going to fed _us?!_
Mike: It's Jim Henson's Donner Party Babies.
> Note that security will handle the pet
>feeding for the rest of the voyage."
Crow: Where's Spunky?
Mike: I fed him to Alexander.
> "Notation made, Number One," Marrissa said as the chief of
>operations, Alexander and the Conn Officer, Heather Cowhig, arrived.
>"Jay you have the bridge.
Tom: Gee, thanks, and I didn't get you anything.
> I am going to see about our mission."
>
> "Computer, open a channel to Admiral Okie
All: From Muskogee.
> at Starfleet
>Diplomatic San Francisco," Marrissa ordered. Admiral Edward Okie,
>middle aged man with a handle bar mustache
Mike: And a banana seat forehead.
> appeared on screen.
>"Admiral Okie this is Ensign Marrissa Picard, presantly in command of
>the Enterprise."
> "Where is Captain Picard?" Okie asked.
> "All I know
Crow: Which isn't a whole heck of a lot.
> is that the computer tells me that I am the only
>officer left," Marrissa responded. "Engineering problems have been
>ruled out though."
Crow: How much thought did that take?
Tom: [dumb voice] Duh, do warp core breaches only affect adults?
> "What happened?"
> "The adult crew has dissappeared,"
Mike: And none of them have sent child support.
> Marrissa said. "No one over
>the age of 18 is left on board.
Crow: [Marrissa] Billy has a navigator's permit, but we need someone
over the age of twenty one to ride up front.
> We have no medical crew, a slim
>security staff, but elsewere we have sufficant staff."
Tom: So a crew of 76, only 56 which can actually _do_ anything, none of
whom have _any_ experience, are able to run the largest, most advanced,
most complicated ship in Starfleet? I DON'T THINK SO!
> "Just how much do you know about the Naklab Situation?" Admiral
>Okie asked, curious.
Crow: [Okie] Forget about the disappearance of 1400 senior staff
members; I want to get your view on current events.
> "The Naklab system has four inhabited class M planets, Bresa,
>Troac, Nevolsia, and Sobnia,"
Tom: Oh, it's a Junior Jumble.
Crow: Serb(i)a, Cro(a)t(i)a, Slovenia, and Bosnia. And it spells out:
Aii!
Mike: Which is just how we feel.
> Marrissa said. "They were colonized by
>people from the Balkan area on Earth.
Mike: Who just happened to love anagrams.
> The current situation involves
>everyone but Nevolsia.
Crow: You guys go ahead. I'll just sit this war out.
> Bres and Troac both claim Sobnia. Sobnia has
>declared independence. The Bres have Sobnia's capital under seige.
Mike: With Steven Seagal!!
>The only thing that is keeping this tinderbox
Tom: I think the correct phrase is "powderkeg."
> from erupting in flames
>is the promise from all sides that they will not open or advance
>hositilites during negoitation."
Mike: Plus we promised that if they were all good they could stay up and
watch Letterman.
> "You keep well informed," Okie said. "Your Captain was to be
>the thirteenth mediator we sent.
Crow: Nothing ominous in that.
> All previous medaitors either gave up
>or left in a box.
Tom: I've had a grudge against Picard for years! I was finally going to
get rid of him! And I would have succeeded if it hadn't been for you
pesky kids!
> Only the promise that we would send Captain Picard
>of the Enterprise kept them from resuming hostilites this time. Now it
>looks like the children in the tinderbox have found the matches."
Crow: Heh, heh. Fire. Cool.
Mike: Stop that, or I'll use those "special parts" to fix the garbage
disposal.
> "Perhaps not," Marrissa tentatively suggested.
> "Of coarse it's a complete diasaster,"
Tom: What? The spelling?
> Okie said. "Something
>causes the flagship of the fleet to lose its captain leaving his
>daugher Marrissa Pic-ard ...
Crow: Pic-any card...
> Wait a minute here,
Mike: I've just had an incredibly stupid idea!
> Perhaps I still can
>sent Captain Picard, not the one that they were exspecting
Tom: [Okie] Then war is sure to erupt!
> but I didn't
>say I was sending Captain Jean-Luc Picard. Marrissa Amber Picard, you
>are here by promoted to the field commission of Captain.
Crow: I wanna be there when they court-martial this guy for stupidity
above and beyond the call of duty.
> You are
>ordered to medaite the Naklab dispute until releaved by myself or
>Captain Jean-Luc Picard
Mike: Or you leave in a box.
Crow: Hey! This might not be so bad after all!
Tom: Who are you kidding?
> or at the completion of this mission Admiral
>Necheyev. Congratuations Captain. You are permited to draft any
>officers you need
Mike: Hey! Draft Wesley and then shoot him into space!
> from the Starfleet Base on Nevolsia. Starfleet out."
>
>Marrissa's Personal Log, Supplimental
>
> What have I got myself into.
Crow: Evidently not correct punctuation.
> I haven't even taken the exam in
>TACT 360, Diplomatic Negotiation and now I am to medaite a dispute that
>has its roots in the 1300s and looks like the situation in 1990. I
>wish Starfleet Colonization
Mike: New from Sid Meier.
> hadn't assigned these mortal enemies to the
>same star system.
>
> Marrissa entered the bridge wering
Crow: Ah! She's a lycanthrope! Quick, shoot her with some silver
bullets!
Tom: Just shoot her. Period.
> captain's pips. "Status
>CONN?" she asked sitting down in the captain's chair.
> "Now entering the Naklab system," Heather replied.
Mike: [Marrissa] Huh? Sorry, I got distracted by these little buttons on
the arm. Click click click. Cool.
> "Take us out of warp and set a coarse for Nevolsia," Marrissa
>said.
Tom: [kid] Uh, is that near the mall?
> "Captain, the list of possible CMOs is has just arrived from
>Nevolsia Base," Patterson said.
Crow: But I want to keep going to my old doctor!
Tom: CMO, Crow, not HMO.
> "All bridge crew note the Mission Briefing will be in a hour
>after we enter orbit," Marrissa said. "Jay join me in the ready room.
Mike: Put on your gladiator costume.
>Clara you have the bridge."
>
[Commercials]
[Continued in part 2]