MSTed: Better the Devil You Know (3/8)
T-Bone
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
TOM: Don't touch me. Just set me down.
>From: paul.h...@shbbs.demon.co.uk (Paul Hubbard)
CROW: Look, Servo, ...
TOM: I don't wanna talk to you.
>Subject: Better The Devil You Know 2
KATE: Electric Boogaloo.
>X-Mail-Agent: GIGO unreg at shbbs vsn 0.99 pl1
>Organization: Silicon Heaven BBS (2200-0630 UTC) (44-1626-834331) V32B
CROW: You know, whenever I see "Organization:" in a Star Trek fanfic, the
phrase "Chaos Theory" leaps to mind.
>Date: Wed, 10 Aug 1994 23:41:00 +0000
TOM: Oh, we'll rue that day.
KATE: I'd rather Bea Arthur the day.
>Message-ID: <b43_940...@shbbs.demon.co.uk>
>Sender: use...@demon.co.uk
TOM (singing): Return to sender ...
(speaking): again and again until it's a mailbomb.
>Lines: 204
>
>From: ph...@shbbs.demon.co.uk (Paul Hubbard)
>
>
>Better the Devil you know
>By P.D Hubbard
CROW: Why do people follow Scientology? (page 17)
>
>Part 1.
KATE: How can you part one if there is only one and nothing to part it
from?
CROW: Split it down the middle?
>
>
>"First officers log, Stardate 48455.6.
TOM: This is really gonna suck, guys.
>The Enterprise is
>currently on a mapping expedition of the 'Hobbs' sector.
KATE: We recently discovered a tiger-shaped asteroid being defended by a
"Spaceman Spiff".
>Little
>is known about this area
CROW: Well, there's no sense in a mapping expedition to a well-known place,
is there?
>with the exception that it consists of
>a small cluster of suns, each with six planets apiece, a real
>rarity.
TOM: Sounds like you know a lot more than "very little".
>We are currently having technical difficulty with the
KATE: ... llama fur in the phaser banks.
>ships sensors at the moment due to a sporadic fault with several
>sensor pallets.
CROW: We've noticed that it happens every time we send e-mail to
Ecuador, but our system managers can't explain it.
>Engineering has promised me full sensor sweep
TOM: Rug doctor, steamin' mad at sensors.
>operation by the time we arrive at star system number six.
KATE: The larch. The ... larch.
>Someone in Stellar Cartography has one hell of a sense of humour.
CROW: Graffiti in one of the restroom stalls says 'Site of The
Captain's Log'. What a wag!
>The unofficial label for number six is 'Hades II',
TOM: Officially it's known as "Pittsburgh".
>I will have
>to have a word with them later.
KATE: "Schweinhund"
>Meanwhile, all is well, and
>that's how I want to keep it. End Log...."
TOM: Oh, well, that means a boring fanfic.
CROW: Well, of course, ...
TOM: I meant MORE boring.
CROW: Oh.
>
>
>"Will......"
KATE (dreamily): "John"
TOM (dreamily): "Marsha"
CROW (dreamily): "Puma"
TOM (dreamily): "Cornjob"
KATE (dreamily): "Chief"
CROW (dreamily yet scratchily): "McCloud"
>
>Riker turned and faced Troi.
ALL: Waah!
>"You rang!!!!!!!", he smiled at
>her.
CROW (falsetto): Will, your Ted Cassidy just isn't funny.
>
>"Will" she said again in a quite tone. "Don't go too hard on the
KATE: *ahem*!
>Cartography department.
KATE: Oh.
>They don't choose the designated names,
TOM (falsetto): I'm sure they were showing affection for you by calling that
crater "Smirking Bearded Dickweed".
>besides, a little bit of fun now and then would'nt go amiss".
CROW (as Riker): So you've reconsidered the clown suit and the wet celery?
>
>He sighed. "I know....., it's just that this mission is really
>starting to get to me.
KATE: That mission bugs me, it really bugs me!!
>Nothing happening, nothing amiss.
TOM: Not an action sequence anywhere.
KATE: Sounds like a normal fanfic.
TOM: Or Star Trek episode.
>Everything is so efficient around here that I can't even find a
>speck of dust anywhere".
CROW: Just feed chocolate-covered coffee beans to some dogs; that'll
liven things up a bit.
>
>"And whose fault is that????", she replied,
KATE: After all, you were the one who hired that valet named "Jeeves".
>"I remember the last
>inspection tour when you nearly took that young Ensign's head off
>with that mouth of yours
[Tom and Crow turn to Kate giggling.]
TOM: I didn't know Riker's mom was a Bobbitt.
CROW: Well, what name would be more appropriate?
KATE: Okay, okay; let it go, you two.
>over a bit of fluff on his uniform.
CROW: That "bit of fluff" was his fiance'. Must you be so catty?
>Since then, everybody's been working overtime keeping the ship
>clean and tidy".
TOM: Why, even our stools don't stink.
>She paused a few seconds then continued.
KATE: Well, what do you *expect* people to do after a pause? Continue
pausing?
>"Look
>Will,
TOM (falsetto): Nice, aren't they?
>relax....
KATE (singing): Don't do it, if you wanna come to it.
>nothing will happen if you want it to".
CROW: So knock off the lewd innuendo.
>
>"Is that you or you in your councillor capacity speaking?"
TOM: Jerk.
>
>"Its me, besides you know where my office is if you need it".
CROW: Thanks, that burrito went right through me.
>
>Riker grimaced,
KATE: Then hamburglered, ...
>weighed up the options, then decided to let it
>go.
[Crow makes a grunting sound.]
TOM: Watch it, Riker, there's a $200 fine for dumping.
>
>"I Guess
CROW: Jeans for fans of Bill Cosby and Robert Culp.
>your right, as always......". He smiled again the
>relaxed deeper into the con.
KATE: Man, even Riker got to go to the Con. *sniff*
>
>
>BLOOP!!!!!
[Tom makes straining sounds, then a sigh of relief.]
>"LaForge to bridge...."
CROW: Light a match, will ya?
>
>"Bridge here Mr LaForge, go ahead".
KATE: Oh, *may* I?
>
>"Sensor pallets are now back online. It was just a small glitch
>in the system, nothing to worry about......."
TOM (as Irish cop): Move it along, Commander, nothin' ta see here.
>
>"What was the cause of the fault Geordi?????"
KATE: Those Glitch kids; they get into everything.
>
>There was a embarrassed silence from the other end.
CROW: Apparently Levar has read ahead in the script.
>
>"I'm waiting Mr LaForge" said Riker.
KATE: I know, Will, I can see it in your eyes.
>
>"Well, ulp, the sensor fault was caused by.............."
TOM: A herring!
>
>"Spit it out Geordi........"
CROW: Bad Geordi! Drop it! Drop iiiiiit...
>
>"...caused by a discarded sandwich in the multiplexer unit" he
>replied wearily.
KATE: Oh, you have *GOT* to be kidding me!!
TOM: I've seen that schtick used in about thirty Star Trek parodies, and this
joker presents this as SERIOUS!
CROW: The ironic this is that in the parodies, Riker was always the one who
put it there.
KATE: If there were ever any hope that fanfic could be good, this should
kill it.
TOM: *ahem* Uh, ix-nay on the ragging of anfic-fay.
KATE: Oh, right! Sorry.
>"I guess that one of my staff left it here
>whilst working a double shift on the last inspection.
CROW (as Riker): Did he leave any chips or pickle spears?
>I'm sorry
>Commander, it won't happen again".
KATE: I'm cancelling eating privileges for my department.
>
>"I'm sure it won't Mr LaForge, especially since I will be
>personally giving your engineering staff a lecture on cleanliness
>at work.
TOM: And I'm confiscating their Suzy Qs.
>Riker out".
>
>The channel closed.
[Kate hums the first few bars of _The Star Spangled Banner_.]
>Riker looked pleased with himself.
CROW: Well, he was the only one.
>Deanna
>looked accusingly at him.
TOM (falsetto): Are you the one who's been rummaging through my unwashed
lingerie?
>
>"You really enjoyed doing that, didn't you....come on, don't lie
>to me, I know you too well...."
CROW (falsetto): Or do you really want that teddy bear tattoo on your butt
mentioned in front of the whole crew?
>
>"Was it that noticeable?????".
KATE: Riker, you are more transparent than a vacuum.
CROW: Hoover or Kirby?
>
>"So noticeable" she replied,
ALL: How noticeable was it?
>"that I didn't need to sense it.
TOM: Oh, like you could sense anything.
>You really can be incorrigible at times".
CROW: That's why Worf wants to turn you into a cardboard box.
>
>"That's why I'm first officer" he replied with a grin.
KATE: And a total smeghead.
>
>
>Data was looking puzzled.
CROW: "Why is Captain Picard dressed like Josephine Baker?"
>Something was not right
TOM: On Saturn III.
>with the
>sensor reading from system six ahead.
KATE: Time for the next upgrade.
>He doubted that the errant
>sandwich would have a permeant effect,
TOM: Thanks to Tums.
>but something was
>definitely amiss with the reading.
CROW: "The owls are not what they seem"? The heck does THAT mean?
>He queried the readings with
>his onboard data storage,
KATE: Where were you on the night of the 32nd?
>could find no matching readings from
>a past encounter,
TOM: Let's see, there's Tasha Yar ... oo, five stars!
>then decided that the best thing was to inform
>the senior officer on duty. He swirled in his chair and faced
>Riker.
CROW: At this point Data realized that Riker was the senior officer, so he
thought "To hell with it."
>
>"Sir, sensors are reporting a anomaly from system six up ahead.
KATE: It's making me misuse indefinite articles.
>However, I do not trust the sensors at the moment because of the
>cleared fault".
TOM: Geordi caught them dealing off the bottom of the deck.
>
>"What sort of sensor readings Data???"
CROW: Well, the bad grammar, wrong punctuation, and poor spelling meters
are working overtime.
>
>"According to readings, there are large amount of ferrous metal
>in orbit around planet number six.
KATE: Geez, you'd think an android would be programmed with better
English subroutines than this.
>Sensors read the metal as
>mostly plain Iron to Steel and Steel laminates with a few modern
>alloys sprinkled in.
TOM: Served with fresh broccoli and a light white wine.
>The presence of plain Iron is why I feel
>that the sensors are still inaccurate".
CROW: That, and the fact that we bought them second-hand from that Fred
Sanford guy.
>
>" I agree, Iron is hardly likely to be used for space vessels.
KATE: Never mind that it's one of the most abundant metals in the universe
and easily mined from asteroids. Iron just doesn't fit in with our karmic
aging-hippie new-age crystals-are-power-man universe.
CROW: Kate, I think you need a vacation.
>Continue on this course towards system six.
TOM: Just watch out for the bunkers on the left of that par 4.
>We will find out
>then".
KATE: Oh, it may be too late to avoid death, but at least we'll know.
>
>"Aye Sir"
>
CROW: You know, that reminds me of this joke. Sandy Duncan and Sammy Davis,
Jr., are ...
KATE: *ahem*
> ____________
>
>
>Tree's whizzed past at a alarming rate,
KATE: Oh, GROSS!!!!
>the wind whistling past
>his ears. There was no doubt about it,
TOM: This script sucks.
>Picard was having the
>time of his life.
CROW: Oh, this is gonna get warped.
>His horse, Bessie, was showing no signs of
>flagging.
TOM: Hey, take this to alt.sex.bestiality.
>Several branches shot by ominously close, almost
>taking is hat off.
KATE: In sunlight, that would have blinded the whole countryside.
>Then suddenly, the trees cleared and Picard
>found himself on a open plain with a glorious vista.
CROW: Because when you're horseback riding on Rigel IX, they don't take
American Express.
>He turned
>the horse in a tight circle and drew up.
[Tom makes heaving sounds.]
KATE: He said *drew* up, Tom.
TOM: No, it's the whole script doing this to me. *hack*
KATE: Oo, I'd better get some sawdust.
>"Whoooaaaa, easy old girl".
CROW: Hey, that's no way to talk to Bev!
>The horse obliged him.
TOM: Saaay...
>
>Another rider shot out from the same clump of trees
KATE: The Klingons are coming! The Klingons are coming!
>and headed
>towards Picard.
CROW: Excuse me, Mr. Picard, I'm your student loan officer, ...
>As the horse got closer, Picard could make out
>the features of Beverley Crusher,
TOM: Odd thing for a horse to look like Bev.
CROW: Pulaski, maybe, but Bev?
>her long red hair billowing in
>the slipstream.
KATE: Along with voices.
TOM: Ridiculous voices.
>She closed then drew up alongside him.
[Crow makes siren sounds.]
KATE: Son, do you know how fast you were goin'?
>
>"One of these days"
CROW (deep throaty voice): I'm going to break you into tiny pieces.
>she said, "your going to loose your head
>going through that thicket like that.
TOM: He's already got a couple of screws loose.
>It was murder for me to
>try and keep up with you.
KATE: Now I have that Poirot guy following me everywhere.
>I can fix most wounds but loosing
>your head is not one of them".
TOM: Oh, if it gets loose, just use duct tape.
>
>"The Holodeck program would not allow that, and you know it..."
>replied Picard.
CROW (bad French accent): So sit and swivel, you stupid American woman who
thinks she knows a thing or two about playing doctor.
>
>"Yes, true, but one day you will be riding for real and there
>will be no computer watching over you to make sure you keep your
>head down.
KATE: And you'll be de-captain-ated. Haha! [Tom and Crow stare at Kate.] Get
it? Because he'll lose his head ... and he's the captain ... and ...
*sigh* Nevermind.
>Just think of me as a Cassandra reminding you of your
>mortality.
CROW (falsetto): Enjoy life now, because you'll soon be worm food.
>Besides, my back is killing me,
TOM: Saaaaay....
>I think this horse
>has a flat!!!!".
KATE: I think Picard would prefer horses in heels.
>
>"Why didn't you ride side saddle and take the bridle path?"
TOM (sarcastically): Oh, and I suppose you'd also like to see her barefoot
and pregnant in the kitchen, Captain Sexist.
>
>"Side saddle my dear captain, is for cissies" she replied,
CROW: And coal miners' daughters...
>"besides, I like a good ride in the country any day.....Race you
>back to the stables?".
KATE: Maybe we can roll in the hay...
>
>"Yes, why not.." and with that he leaned over and slapped the
>horse hard on the hind quarters.
TOM: *whinny* Flirt!
>The horse took great exception
>to this and shot off at a rate of knots.
CROW: Oh, that's KNOT important! [Kate and Tom stare.] HA HA! Ha ... heh
................ ummmmm, yeah.
>
>"JEAN LUC.... I'll kill you...!!!!"
KATE: You don't suppose she's going to put on a leather bikini thong like
Sting's, do you?
CROW: We can hope...
>screamed Beverley as she
>shot off, hanging on for dear life.
TOM: I don't know how to make it stop! Goodbye folks!
>
>Picard's chuckling was cut short by his communicator badge
>cheeping.
CROW: Oh, you're no fun anymore
>"Bridge to Captain Picard".
KATE (nasally): White courtesy phone for Captain Picard.
>
>He slapped it.
TOM: Aigh! We need to use velcro on these things.
>"Picard here, what's the problem number one??"
CROW: Well like my parents just called and we need to clean this place up
before they get home, dude!
>
>"Sorry to disturb you Sir, but sensors have picked up a large
>amount of ferrous metals in orbit around planet six.
KATE: It's that Mars probe that NASA lost back in the 1990s.
>We are
>fifteen minutes from entering the system. Are you coming up to
>the bridge to have a look?"
TOM: Let me get my binoculars, first.
>
>"I'll be up shortly number one.
CROW: I'm sorry to hear that.
>I just have to put Bessie back
>into her stable".
KATE and TOM (singing): I hate to see
The evenin' sun go down...
>
>"Good ride Sir?"
TOM (singing): All you ever do is ride around, Jean-Luc
KATE (singing): Ride, Jean-Luc, ride.
CROW: Would you two knock it off?
>
>"Very good ride Will, and the good doctor enjoyed herself as
>well, with the exception of a stiff back".
CROW: Should have used the litmus saddle.
>
>The silent sound of a eyebrow on Rikers face, raising itself was
>all too evident over the comm line.
KATE: Well, we know where HIS mind is.
>
>"Very good Sir, Riker out".
TOM: "Good"? It was GREAT.
>
>Picard paused for a few moments, looking at the view one last
>time.
CROW: Did I leave the iron on?
>Then, taking up the reins, he cantered the horse back to
>the stables.
ALL (singing): Here comes the king.
Here comes the king,
Here comes the big number one.
>
>
>End of part 1
KATE: Second verse, worse than the first.
>
>
>
>~~~ Blue Wave/RA v2.12 [NR]
CROW: Blue wave, all in my brain ...
>--
>| Standard disclaimer: The views of this user are strictly his own.
TOM: And he's welcome to keep them! Please!!
Commercial we'd like to see: the lady in the art gallery who climbs into a
car in a painting suddenly finds herself driving off a cliff in a
landscape by that scary PBS painter with the big popcorn hair.
MSTed by Richard Burton (T-Bone; bur...@lobster.gsfc.nasa.gov) and
by Kate Wrightson (kwri...@moe.coe.uga.edu)
Disclaimer: MST3K and related situations/characters/settings/scenarios are
the property of Best Brains; they had nothing to do with our writing this.
This MSTing was done for the sole purpose of entertainment and is not
meant to be a personal attack on the original author(s) in any way. We
intended no flames on any organizations, characters, products, people, or
ideas which were referenced in this MSTing. This MSTing reflects my and
Kate's own personal viewpoints, and not always both of ours, and does not
necessarly reflect the views of the University of Georgia, NASA, Goddard
Space Flight Center, or my employer, Hughes STX.
Clarinda Lofton
>>Riker grimaced,
>KATE: Then hamburglered, ...
ROTFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
More, more!!
Clarinda