[MISTED] Roger Ebert Reviews "Dark City" and "Dick Tracy"
Richard Gardineer
Joe Blevins wrote:
> =======================================================================
> ROGER EBERT REVIEWS "DARK CITY" & "DICK TRACY"
> =======================================================================
> A MiSTing by Joe Blevins (joe...@concentric.net)
> =======================================================================
>
> [PRE-CREDITS SEQUENCE]
> [The scene is a handsome, well-appointed den. A distinguished older
> gentleman sits in a high-backed leather armchair, looking through an
> impressively-bound volume of forgotten lore. There are dozens more such
> volumes on a bookshelf behind him. The man glances up, as if he just
> noticed he's on camera. Of course, he speaks with a British accent.]
>
> REGINALD: Oh, hello there. I'm Reginald Keith, and I welcome you
> to "Masterwork Showcase." Tonight, we are extremely
> proud to present -- for the first time ever on American
> television -- a rare "lost" episode of "Mystery Usenet
> Theater 3000" from Joseph Blevins' premiere season of
> scripts. Although it was written in 1872, it has not
> seen proper release due to its being mistakenly used as
> cheap insulation. With that oversight now rectified, we
> can all enjoy this MUT3K episode as it was meant to be
> enjoyed. Enjoy, won't you?
>
> [The lights dim.]
>
> DIRECTOR: [off] And... cut.
> REGINALD: [no longer keeping up the accent] Finally! Man, this
> velvet smoking jacket is MURDER under these hot lights.
>
> [Reginald gets up from his chair and lights a cigarette.]
>
> DIRECTOR: [off] That was perfect, Reggie.
> REGINALD: You're damned right it was, ya vulture.
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> [ROLL SEASON 9 THEME SONG & CREDITS]
> [Guitar Twang]
>
> [*, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Dog bone]
>
> [SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE]
> [Mike and Crow are behind the console, both wearing sombreros and
> multi-colored panchos. There's a piñata hanging overhead. Mariachi
> music plays in the background.]
>
> MAGIC VOICE: In accordance with FCC regulations, the following
> sketch will be presented en español.
>
> [Mike and Crow face Cambot and speak in a stilted, unnatural manner.
> Their accents can only be described as pitiful.]
>
> MIKE: ¡Hola! Bienvenidos al Satélite de Amor. Soy Miguel Nelson.
> CROW: Y yo soy Cuervo el Robot.
> MIKE: Cuervo ¿dónde está nuestro compañero, Tomás Servosistema?
> CROW: Tomás está en la biblioteca.
> MIKE: Pero ¡no HAY una biblioteca en el Satélite de Amor!
> CROW: Es muy extraño ¿no?
> MIKE & CROW: ¡Ja ja ja ja ja!
>
> [The commercial sign blinks.]
>
> MIKE: Vamos a volver después de estos anuncios.
> CROW: Me gusta bailar con los pollos.
>
> [Mike gives Crow a funny look.]
>
> [COMMERCIAL BREAK]
> [Tom has joined Mike & Crow behind the console, but now *he's* the only
> one wearing the Mexican garb.]
>
> TOM: Yo quisiera una botella de cerveza, por favor.
> CROW: Knock it off, Tom. We've already fulfilled our "Spanish
> language" requirement to the FCC.
> TOM: So what language do we do next?
>
> [Mike hold up a lighter and flicks it on. In his other hand, he holds
> an oily rag.]
>
> MIKE: Smoke signals.
> TOM & CROW: Here we go again!
>
> [The mads sign blinks.]
>
> MIKE: But before we go there again, let's see what Heidi and the
> Yodelers want this time.
>
> [CASTLE FORRESTER - GREAT HALL]
> [Pearl is in the foreground, dressed as per usual. In the background,
> Observer is dressed as a nun and stands in front of a chalkboard.
> There is a wooden ruler in his hand. Bobo is wearing a Catholic school
> uniform and sits at a child's desk facing the chalkboard.]
>
> OBSERVER: So obviously, the answer is...?
> BOBO: [timidly] Thirty... seven...?
> OBSERVER: No, you nitwit! It's thirty-eight! How could you be so
> utterly dimwitted?
>
> [Observer begins whapping Bobo with the ruler.]
>
> BOBO: Ooh! Ow! I'm sorry, Sister Mary Brainguy! It'll never
> happen again!
> OBSERVER: It better hadn't.
>
> [Pearl turns away from this sad spectacle and addresses the camera.]
>
> PEARL: Hey, Nelworm. Damn the FCC and their stupid regulations!
> They're demanding that I increase my "educational content,"
> so I had to convert the Great Hall into a classroom. They
> also demanded that I fulfill my yearly "Roger Ebert" quota,
> so your experiment today will be his stunning review for
> "Dark City." Try not to wince. Oh, and when you're done
> with that, you can start on his review of "Dick Tracy."
>
> [SATELLITE OF LOVE]
> [Sirens blare; lights flash on and off.]
>
> ALL: Aaaaahhhh!!! We got movie review sign!!!!!
>
> [Dog bone, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, *]
>
> [SATELLITE OF LOVE - THEATER]
> [Mike and the 'bots enter and find their seats.]
>
> MIKE: Count your blessings. Pearl could have sent us a Gene
> Shallit review.
> CROW: C'mon, Mike. Pearl's EVIL... not heartless.
>
> >
> > Roger Ebert on Movies
>
> TOM: This is your Roger Ebert. This is your Roger Ebert on movies.
> Any questions?
>
> >
> >
> > DARK CITY
>
> CROW: But we kid Cincinnati.
>
> >
> > * * * * (R)
> >
>
> MIKE: Four stars? Okay, who's been putting mescaline in Ebert's
> popcorn?
>
> > John Murdoch: Rufus Sewell
> > Inspector Bumstead: William Hurt
>
> TOM: The cop whose duties include sleeping on the couch and eating
> giant sandwiches.
>
> > Dr. Daniel Schreber: Kiefer Sutherland
>
> CROW: Kiefer Sutherland in the role he was born to botch.
>
> > Emma Murdoch: Jennifer Connelly
> > Mr. Hand: Richard O'Brien
>
> MIKE: I see Riff Raff got a job at Ridgemont High. How nice.
>
> >
> > Directed by Alex Proyas.
> > Written by Proyas, Lem Dobbs and David S. Goyer.
>
> TOM: Who took turns writing random lines while the other two
> huffed Pine Sol.
>
> > Running time: 103 minutes.
>
> CROW: That means 103 minutes into it, you'll run out of the
> theater, screaming.
>
> > Rated R (for violent images and some sexuality).
> >
> > BY ROGER EBERT
>
> MIKE: Whose Pulitzer was revoked soon thereafter.
>
> >
> > "Dark City" by Alex Proyas is a great visionary achievement, a film so
> > original and exciting,
>
> TOM: [as Ebert] I wet myself.
>
> > it stirred my imagination like "Metropolis" and
> > "2001: A Space Odyssey."
>
> CROW: But it's still no "Newsies."
>
> > If it is true, as the German director Werner
> > Herzog believes, that we live in an age starved of new images, then
> > "Dark City" is a film to nourish us.
>
> MIKE: [as Ebert] I recommend it with Newberg sauce and a side of
> duchess potatoes.
>
> > Not a story so much as an
> > experience,
>
> TOM: Translation -- the plot is incomprehensible.
>
> > it is a triumph of art direction, set design, cinema-
> > tography, special effects--and imagination.
>
> CROW: Plus rum, gin, vodka, and scotch.
>
> >
> > Like "Blade Runner," it imagines a city of the future.
>
> MIKE: As did "The Jetsons."
>
> > But while
> > "Blade Runner" extended existing trends, "Dark City" leaps into the
> > unknown.
>
> TOM: Only if "the unknown" is the discount bin at Suncoast.
>
> > Its vast noir metropolis seems to exist in an alternate time
> > line, with elements of our present and past combined with visions from
> > a futuristic comic book.
>
> CROW: And I'm willing to bet it has a Starbucks and a Kinko's.
>
> > Like the first "Batman," it presents a city
> > of night and shadows,
>
> MIKE: It presents Anchorage, Alaska. [chuckles]
> CROW: But we kid Anchorage, Alaska.
>
> > but it goes far beyond "Batman" in a richness
> > of ominous, stylized sets, streets, skylines and cityscapes.
>
> TOM: And it has three times as many grown men in rubber suits.
>
> > For once
> > a movie city equals any we could picture in our minds;
>
> CROW: Well, Willie Nelson's mind, anyway.
>
> > this is the
> > city "The Fifth Element" teased us with, without coming through.
> >
>
> MIKE: Nothing more frustrating than a movie that won't put out.
>
> > The story combines science fiction with film noir--
>
> TOM: You got film noir on my science fiction!
> CROW: You got science fiction on my film noir!
>
> > in more ways than
> > we realize and more surprising ways than I will reveal. Its villains,
> > in their homburgs and flapping overcoats,
>
> MIKE: Resemble Boris Badenov trapped in a Magritte painting.
>
> > look like a nightmare
> > inspired by the thugs in "M," but their pale faces would look more at
> > home in "The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari"
>
> TOM: Or perhaps, the Armoire of Dr. Rigatoni.
>
> > --and, frighteningly, one of them
> > is a child.
>
> CROW: So which one of the Olsen Twins is it?
>
> > They are the Strangers, shape-changers from another solar
> > system, and we are told they came to Earth when their own world was
> > dying.
>
> MIKE: Isn't that always the way? They never visit unless they
> NEED something.
>
> > (They create, in the process, the first space vessel since
> > "Star Wars" that is newly conceived--
>
> TOM: As opposed to all those "in vitro" space vessels.
>
> > not a clone of that looming
> > mechanical vision.)
> >
>
> CROW: These space vessels are soft and plushy.
>
> > They inhabit a city of rumbling elevated streamlined trains, dank
> > flophouses, scurrying crowds
>
> MIKE: Sounds like Chicago.
> CROW: But we kid Chicago.
>
> > and store windows that owe something to
> > Edward Hopper's "Nighthawks."
>
> TOM: Actually they owe more to Dennis Hopper's night sweats.
>
> > In this city lives John Murdoch (Rufus
> > Sewell), who awakens in a strange bathtub beneath a swinging ceiling
> > lamp, to blood, fear and guilt.
>
> MIKE: Ah, the three tenets of the Catholic faith.
> CROW: I wonder how many of David Crosby's mornings have begun that
> same way.
>
> > The telephone rings; it is Dr.
> > Schreber (Kiefer Sutherland), gasping out two or three words at a
> > time, as if the need to speak is all that gives him breath.
>
> TOM: And as if his father's reputation is all that gives him an
> acting career.
>
> > He warns
> > Murdoch to flee, and indeed three Strangers are in the corridor,
> > coming for him.
>
> MIKE: But they're so busy poking each other in the eye and saying
> "Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk" that they don't even notice he's gone.
>
> >
> > The film will be the story of Murdoch's flight into the mean streets,
>
> CROW: Where a taxi driver will take him to a casino to meet the
> king of comedy and other goodfellas.
>
> > and his gradual discovery of the nature of the city and the Strangers.
>
> TOM: The Strangers turn out to be aspiring Broadway dancers.
>
> > Like many science-fiction heroes, he has a memory shattered into
> > pieces that do not fit.
>
> MIKE: And into spandex pants that do not fit.
>
> > But he remembers the woman he loves, or loved
> > --his wife, Emma (Jennifer Connelly), who is a torch singer with sad
> > eyes and wounded lips.
>
> CROW: She learned the hard way that "bee-stung lips" is just an
> EXPRESSION.
>
> > And he remembers ... Shell Beach? Where was
> > that? He sees it on a billboard and old longings stir.
>
> TOM: [as Murdoch] I remember *someone* selling sea shells on the
> seashore, but WHO...?
>
> >
> > There is a detective after him, Inspector Bumstead (William Hurt).
>
> MIKE: But he keeps colliding with the mailman.
>
> > Murdoch is wanted in connection with the murders of six prostitutes.
> > Did he kill them?
>
> CROW: [as Bill Clinton] It depends on what your definition of
> "kill" is.
>
> > Like the hero of Franz Kafka's The Trial, Murdoch
> > feels so paranoid he hardly knows.
>
> TOM: Plus he has the long-term memory of a May fly.
>
> > Rufus Sewell plays Murdoch like a
> > man caught in a pinball machine,
>
> MIKE: And he plays pinball like a man caught in a Murdoch machine.
>
> > flipped into danger every time it
> > looks like the game is over.
> >
>
> CROW: Plus, he has all the *emotional* range of a pinball.
>
> > The story has familiar elements made new.
>
> TOM: The closing credits are all in Esperanto.
>
> > Even the hard-boiled
> > detective,
>
> MIKE: Aw! I wanted my detective sunny-side up.
>
> > his eyes shaded by the brim of his fedora, seems less like
> > a figure from film noir than like a projection of an alien idea of
> > noir.
>
> CROW: I thought the alien idea of noir would be Humphrey Bogart
> with a third eye or something.
>
> > Proyas and his co-screenwriters, Lem Dobbs and David S. Goyer,
> > use dream logic to pursue their hero through the mystery of his own
> > life.
>
> TOM: Which means they were literally asleep on the job.
>
> > Along the way, Murdoch discovers that he alone, among humans,
> > has the power of the Strangers--
>
> MIKE: The power of bleach.
>
> > an ability to use his mind in order
> > to shape the physical universe.
>
> CROW: [stoner voice] Yeah, man, I hear ya.
>
> > (This power is expressed in the film
> > as a sort of transparent shimmering projection,
>
> TOM: But is it phrased in the form of a question?
>
> > aimed from Murdoch's
> > forehead into the world, and as klutzy as that sounds, I found myself
> > enjoying its very audacity: What else would mind-power look like?)
>
> MIKE: Good question. I think mind-power would look like a thin,
> black dotted line in the air. What do you guys think?
> TOM: I think mind-power would look like glowing concentric circles
> radiating out from the cranium, like waves in a pond.
> CROW: I think it would look like Kristy McNichol.
>
> >
> > Murdoch's problem is that he has no way of knowing if his memories
> > are real,
>
> MIKE: Or just the creation of three sadistic screenwriters.
>
> > if his past actually happened, if the women he loves ever
> > existed.
>
> TOM: Where he left his car keys... if he turned the iron off...
>
> > Those who offer to help him cannot be trusted. Even his
> > enemies may not be real.
>
> CROW: I wonder if the cast's paychecks were real.
>
> > The movie teasingly explores the question
> > that babies first ask in peek-a-boo:
>
> MIKE: Why are the Big People bothering me with this stupid game?
>
> > When I can't see you, are you
> > there?
>
> TOM: Well, Rog, you can't see your own feet, but you trust they're
> there, don't you?
>
> > It's through that game that we learn the difference between
> > ourselves and others. But what if we're not there, either?
>
> CROW: Ohh, wow... that's deep, man. This movie review has caused
> me to re-examine all my old assumptions about the nature of
> what we so glibly call "reality."
> MIKE: Really?
> CROW: Nah. I'm just saying that to humor Ebert.
>
> >
> > The movie is a glorious marriage of existential dread and slam-bang
> > action.
>
> TOM: Sadly, Existential Dread and Slam-Bang Action filed for
> divorce two months ago.
>
> > Toward the end, there is a thrilling apocalyptic battle that
> > nearly destroys the city,
>
> MIKE: Oh, Detroit won the World Series again, eh?
>
> > and I scribbled in my notes: "For once, a
> > sequence where the fire and explosions really work and don't play
> > just as effects."
>
> CROW: I'll bet the rough draft was more like, "That blowed up REAL
> good!"
>
> > Proyas and his cinematographer, Dariusz Wolski,
> > capture the kinetic energy of great comic books;
>
> TOM: Why do the Eastern Bloc countries produce *so* many cinema-
> tographers?
>
> > their framing and
> > foreshortening and tilt shots and distorting lenses shake the images
> > and splash them on the screen,
>
> MIKE: Or else the cameraman was having seizures.
>
> > and it's not "action" but more like
> > action painting.
>
> CROW: So it's a ludicrous fraud perpetrated on a gullible public?
>
> >
> > Proyas directed "The Crow" (1994),
>
> TOM: So what was it like to work with Alex Proyas, Crow?
> CROW: That's *the* Crow, I'm just plain Crow.
>
> > the visually inspired film that was
> > almost doomed when its star, Brandon Lee, was killed in an accident. I
> > called that film "the best version of a comic book universe I've
> > seen,"
>
> MIKE: [as Ebert] What the hell was I *thinking*?
>
> > but "Dark City" is miles beyond it. Proyas' background was in
> > music videos, usually an ominous sign, but not here:
>
> CROW: In this film, the dancing girls in gold body paint are quite
> a welcome touch.
>
> > His film shows
> > the obsessive concentration on visual detail that's the hallmark of
> > directors who make films that are short and expensive.
>
> TOM: So this movie has all the plot of a Peter Gabriel video.
>
> > There's such a
> > wealth on the screen, such an overflowing of imagination and energy.
>
> MIKE: Such an utter lack of a coherent storyline.
>
> > Often in f/x movies the camera doesn't feel free because it must
> > remain within the confines of what has been created for it to see.
>
> CROW: But Alex Proyas uses only free-range cameras.
>
> > Here we feel there's no limit.
> >
>
> TOM: Except the limits of several drug-addled minds.
>
> > Is the film for teenage boys and comic book fans?
>
> MIKE: Isn't that a bit redundant?
>
> > Not at all, although
> > that's the marketing pitch.
>
> CROW: So these poor dumb teenage boys are being led to the
> slaughter, basically.
>
> > It's for anyone who still has a sense of
> > wonder and a feeling for great visual style.
>
> TOM: But it's not for anyone who's actually kissed a girl.
>
> > This film contains ideas
> > and true poignance, a story that has been thought out and has
> > surprises right to the end.
>
> MIKE: The biggest surprise being, you paid 7 bucks to see it.
> Ba-dum-DUM. Thank you, I'll be here all week.
>
> > It's romantic and exhilarating. Watching
> > it, I realized the last dozen films I'd seen were about people
> > standing around, talking to one another.
>
> CROW: Of course, he'd been watching security cameras.
>
> > "Dark City" has been created
> > and imagined as a new visual place for us to inhabit.
>
> TOM: So it's a planned community, then.
>
> > It adds treasure
> > to our notions of what can be imagined.
>
> MIKE: But it adds virtually nothing to the world of flamenco
> dancing.
>
> [They get up to leave.]
>
> CROW: What I want to know is, where was "Dark City" on AFI's 100
> Greatest American Movies list?
> TOM: It was #101, unfortunately, right ahead of "Weird Science."
>
> [*, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Dog bone]
>
> [SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE]
> [Crow is looking at a computer monitor on the console as Mike and Tom
> enter.]
>
> CROW: Hey, guys, check it out. I did a database search for all of
> Roger Ebert's four-star reviews, and you won't believe some
> of the titles that came up... "Maid to Order," "Freejack,"
> "Another 48 Hours." He called "Ghoulies" "perhaps the most
> eloquent testimony to the power of cinema that I have yet
> witnessed."
> MIKE: Oh come on, Crow. I mean, sure, he's made a few bad calls
> in his career, but he *is* a Pulitzer Prize-winner. Surely,
> he has SOME integrity.
> CROW: Mike, might I direct your attention to his four-star review
> of "Satisfaction," please?
>
> [Mike leans toward the monitor and looks over the text.]
>
> MIKE: [reading] "Justine Bateman's performance had this reviewer
> in tears several times. This, my dear readers, is acting of
> a quality Brando and DeNiro can only long for. Kudos!"
> You're right, Crow. He's clearly sold his soul for success
> as a film critic.
> TOM: Of course, there's one thing even Ebert wouldn't give four
> stars to.
> CROW: Oh, yeah? What's that? A Jerry Reed movie?
>
> [Lights blink; siren goes off.]
>
> TOM: No... movie review sign!!!!
>
> [Dog bone, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, *]
>
> [SATELLITE OF LOVE - THEATER]
> [Mike and the 'bots enter and take their places.]
>
> MIKE: Hey, if Ebert's the dope we're making him out to be, why did
> he give *our* movie a good review?
> TOM: Uh... well... Crow?
> CROW: Don't ask me. I wasn't around then.
>
> >
> >
> > DICK TRACY
>
> TOM: [lewdly] Don't mind if I do. Heh-heh.
> MIKE: C'mon, Tom. This is a family show.
>
> >
> > * * * *
>
> CROW: Every time a movie based on a comic book gets four stars,
> an angel LOSES its wings and plummets back to Earth.
>
> >
> > Date of publication: 06/15/1990
> >
>
> TOM: This review is way past the expiration date. [inhales] Just
> as I thought. It's turned.
>
> > For cast, rating and other information, (click here)
> >
>
> MIKE: For information on the class action lawsuit, click here.
>
> > by Roger Ebert
> >
>
> CROW: The three words you'll never find in "Fitness" magazine.
>
> > There always was something inbred about the Dick Tracy
> > comic strip,
>
> TOM: Perhaps it was all the demented hillbillies.
>
> > some suggestion that all of its characters had
> > been mutated by the same cosmic rays, and then locked
> > together in a bizarre loony bin of crime.
>
> MIKE: Where they formed the latest NHL expansion team.
>
> >
> > Tracy was the first comic strip I encountered after I
> > outgrew funny animals,
>
> CROW: ...And several pairs of pants.
>
> > and what struck me was that the
> > physical appearance of the characters always mirrored their
> > souls, or occupations.
>
> TOM: So the moral is -- you can judge people solely on their
> appearance and be 100% accurate.
>
> > They looked like what they were, and
> > what you saw was what you got,
>
> MIKE: Hey, you stole that from Flip Wilson!
>
> > from the square-jawed Tracy
> > barking into his wrist radio, to Pruneface, Flattop and the
> > others.
>
> CROW: ...such as "Thumbless" McGee and "Earlobes" Cavanaugh.
>
> >
> > Warren Beatty's production of "Dick Tracy" approaches the
> > material with the same fetishistic glee I felt when I was
> > reading the strip.
>
> TOM: Oh, great. Now we have to read about Ebert's fetishes.
> MIKE: [as Ebert] Oh, whip me! Beat me! Chain me to a post and
> read me "Terry and the Pirates!"
>
> > The Tracy stories didn't depend really
> > on plot - they were too spun-out for that
>
> CROW: Spun out? Like cotton candy?
>
> > - and of course
> > they didn't depend on suspense - Tracy always won.
>
> TOM: [as Ebert] They pretty much sucked, but I liked 'em anyway.
>
> > What
> > they were about was the interaction of these grotesque
> > people,
>
> MIKE: Oh, like "Friends."
>
> > doomed by nature to wear their souls on their
> > faces.
>
> CROW: And doomed to wear "Kick Me" signs on their backs.
>
> > We see this process at work in one of the film's
> > first scenes, where a poker game is in progress,
>
> TOM: And the dogs are all discussing ESPN.
>
> > and
> > everyone around the table looks like a sideshow attraction,
>
> MIKE: This movie says it's OK to gawk at the physically deformed.
>
> > from Little Face, whose features are at the middle of a sea
> > of dissipation, to the Brow, always deep in shallow thought.
>
> CROW: Don't forget Big Nostril and Mr. No Eyebrows.
>
> >
> > Another of the movie's opening shots establishes, with
> > glorious excess, the Tracy universe.
>
> TOM: A universe ruled by a five-year-old girl named Tracy.
>
> > The camera begins on a
> > window, and pulls back, and moves up until we see the
> > skyline of the city,
>
> MIKE: [sings] Well, we're movin' on up
> TOM & CROW: [sing] Movin' on up
>
> > and then it seems to fly through the
> > air, turning as it moves so that we sweep above an endless
> > urban vista.
>
> MIKE: Boy, even the crack houses look pretty from up here!
>
> > Skyscrapers and bridges and tenements and
> > elevated railways crowd each other all the way to the
> > distant horizon,
>
> CROW: And to think, the Indians were just *wasting* this land
> before we came along.
>
> > until we realize this is the grandest and
> > most squalid city that ever was.
>
> TOM: Ebert's got a thing for fake movie cities, doesn't he?
>
> > It's more than a place:
>
> MIKE: [as Ebert] It's a feeling!
>
> > It's the distillation of the idea of City
>
> CROW: With Valerie Harper -- Mondays at 8:30 on CBS!
> TOM: How do you *remember* this stuff?
>
> > - of the vast,
> > brooding, mysterious metropolis spreading in all directions
> > forever, concealing millions of lives and secrets.
>
> MIKE: Woah! Move over, Carl Sanburg!
>
> >
> > And then the camera moves in on one of those buildings,
>
> TOM: We got cameras moving in now? Well, there goes the
> neighborhood.
>
> > and
> > as we see people again, we realize that everything we have
> > seen before - every skyscraper, every bridge
>
> CROW: Every alcoholic begging for change.
>
> > - was created
> > in a movie studio. "Dick Tracy" is a masterpiece of studio
> > artificiality,
>
> MIKE: And down-home hospitality.
>
> > of matte drawings and miniatures and optical
> > effects. It creates a world that never could be.
>
> TOM: A city where character actors can freely walk the streets.
>
> > There is a
> > scene where a giant locomotive roars down upon the fleeing
> > figure of a small boy, and he jumps in front of it and we
> > actually flinch.
>
> CROW: Child endangerment! Oh, for fun!
>
> > The whole fearsome train actually is a
> > model
>
> MIKE: [as Patsy] It's only a model.
> TOM & CROW: Shhhhh!
>
> > and the running figure has been combined with it in
> > an optical process, but don't tell that to anyone watching
> > the movie because they won't believe you.
>
> TOM: Then why'd YOU tell it to US?
>
> >
> > Into this theater of the night comes striding the peculiar
> > figure of a man in a yellow hat and a yellow raincoat:
>
> CROW: The Ti-D-Bowl Man!
>
> > Dick
> > Tracy. When Chester Gould first conceived him all those
> > years ago, did it seem unlikely that a police detective
> > would wear yellow?
>
> MIKE: No, but the rainbow wig *was* a bit much.
>
> > Maybe not, since Tracy didn't live in a
> > city but in a comic strip,
>
> TOM: He does that to avoid taxes.
>
> > and the primary colors had to
> > jump off the page.
>
> CROW: And plunge to their deaths.
>
> > Beatty's decision to shoot "Dick Tracy"
> > only in the seven basic colors of comic strips is a good
> > one,
>
> MIKE: [as Ebert] I must keep telling myself that.
>
> > because this is a movie about creatures of the
> > imagination,
>
> TOM: It's "Where the Wild Things Are."
>
> > about people who live in rooms where every
> > table lamp looks like a Table Lamp and every picture on the
> > wall represents only a Picture on the Wall.
>
> CROW: And where a dorky film critic is a Dorky Film Critic.
>
> > It was
> > necessary for Tracy to wear the essence of hats and coat,
>
> MIKE: He just wore the essence? Doesn't that mean he walked
> around nude?
>
> > and so, of course, they were yellow; anything less would
> > have been too ordinary.
>
> TOM: And anything strapless and low-cut would have been tacky.
>
> >
> > Tracy in the comics always was an enigma, a figure without
> > emotion or complexity.
>
> CROW: If he's got no complexity, how can he *be* an enigma?
>
> > Warren Beatty plays his Tracy as a
> > slightly more human figure, a cop who does have a
> > personality, however slight.
>
> MIKE: A slight personality is all Warren could achieve.
>
> > To the degree that the human
> > side of Tracy peeks through, I believe, the character is
> > diminished;
>
> TOM: [as Ebert] Tracy should've been played by an audio-animatronic
> dummy.
> MIKE: He kinda *was*, Mike.
> TOM: Ah, toupee!
> MIKE: That's "touché."
> TOM: Whatever.
>
> > the critics who have described Tracy as too
> > shallow have missed the entire point,
>
> CROW: He needs to be *more* shallow, if anything.
>
> > which is that we are
> > not talking about real people here, but about archetypes.
> > Tracy should be as square as his jaw.
>
> MIKE: And thick as a brick.
>
> >
> > Surrounding him are the characters who provide the real
> > meat of the movie,
>
> TOM: Porky Pig and Superchicken. Get it? Meat?
>
> > and the scene-stealer is Big Boy
> > Caprice, played by Al Pacino with such grotesque energy
> > that we seem to have stumbled on a criminal from Dickens.
>
> CROW: Uh, were there many Pacinos running around in Dickensian
> London?
>
> > Consider the scene where Big Boy rehearses the chorus line
> > in his nightclub.
>
> MIKE: No! Why don't *you* consider it?
>
> > He dashes and darts behind the girls,
> > pushing them, slapping them, acting more like a dog trainer
> > than a choreographer.
>
> TOM: Also unlike a choreographer, he's actually ATTRACTED to the
> girls.
>
> > There is an edge of cruelty to his
> > behavior, and later we see that some of his cruelty is
> > directed toward himself.
>
> CROW: But *will* he get the counseling he needs?
>
> > Unlike most of the villains of
> > modern movies,
>
> MIKE: He spends most of his time doing volunteer work at
> orphanages.
>
> > he does not flaunt his evil, but is ashamed
> > of it, and this Victorian trait makes him more interesting.
>
> TOM: Of course, the Victorian era was all about shame.
>
> >
> > In the shadows around Big Boy are a gallery of other human
> > grotesqueries -
>
> CROW: Denny Dillon, Rip Taylor, Ken Kerchival...
>
> > characters who have been named for their
> > physical abnormalities,
>
> MIKE: Here we go again, picking on the less fortunate.
>
> > like Lips Manlis and Shoulders, or
> > for other handicaps,
>
> TOM: Like Donny Drools-a-lot and Pimples O'Reilly.
>
> > like Mumbles (Dustin Hoffman), who
> > talks so fast he cannot be heard.
>
> CROW: He's saying, "I'm an excellent driver. An excellent,
> excellent driver."
> TOM: K-Mart sucks.
>
> > Because these characters
> > are glimpsed rather quickly, their makeup can be more
> > bizarre;
>
> MIKE: Not as bizarre as Dennis Rodman's though.
>
> > the characters who are onscreen all the time look
> > more normal, and among them are the two women in Tracy's
> > life:
>
> CROW: His mother and his homeroom teacher.
>
> > the faithful Tess Trueheart (Glenne Headly) and the
> > seductive Breathless Mahoney (Madonna).
>
> TOM: [as Tracy] Hmmmmm... faithful or seductive? That's a tough
> choice. I think I'll take seductive.
>
> >
> > Pop sociologists have made a specialty out of Madonnaology,
>
> MIKE: [sings in "Muppet" voice] Madaonnaolgy
> TOM & CROW: Do dooo do do do.
>
> > claiming she changes images so quickly that she always is
> > ahead of her audience, always on the cutting edge.
>
> CROW: Heck, she changes *boyfriends* that quickly.
> TOM: C'mon, Crow, she's a mom now.
> CROW: Yeah, but she wasn't back then.
>
> > Her very
> > appearance in each new tour is a clue to her latest message
> > about pop imagery, we're told.
>
> MIKE: And if you play her backwards, you hear a secret message.
>
> > Her mistake in "Dick Tracy,"
> > I think,
>
> TOM: Is that she actually tries to say and do things.
>
> > is that she frankly reaches back to Marilyn Monroe
> > and tries make Breathless into a Monroe clone,
>
> CROW: Uh, hello...? She's spent her whole CAREER doing that!
>
> > right down
> > to the lighting and costuming in some numbers, which seems
> > inspired by Monroe in "Some Like It Hot."
>
> MIKE: Or by Tony Curtis and Jack Lemmon in that same film.
>
> > It doesn't work.
> > She's not Monroe and she's not Madonna, either.
>
> TOM: [as Lloyd Bentsen] And she's no John F. Kennedy.
>
> > Breathless
> > should have come out of a new place in her mind.
>
> CROW: But there *aren't* any new places in her mind! It's all
> been developed by now.
>
> >
> > That's not a crucial flaw in the movie because Tracy
> > himself is so bloodless that we barely believe he can be
> > seduced.
>
> MIKE: Plus that yellow outfit tells us that maybe girls aren't his
> main interest.
>
> > The deepest emotional attachment in the
> > detective's life, indeed,
>
> TOM: Is to his hat.
>
> > is not even Tess Trueheart, but
> > Kid (Charlie Korsmo), an orphan Tracy takes under his wing,
>
> CROW: Now that's just plain wrong!
> MIKE: Do *all* comic heroes take orphans under their wings?
>
> > and the movie's emotional high point probably is when Kid
> > decides to call himself Dick Tracy Jr.
>
> TOM: Yeah, I'm sure there wasn't a dry eye in the house when
> THAT happened.
> MIKE: Kid just doomed himself to years of playground humiliation.
>
> >
> > Last summer's "Batman,"
>
> CROW: It was called "Batman & Robin," actually.
> TOM: Don't you remember? This is the 1990 Roger Ebert. To him,
> "last summer" was 1989.
>
> > a movie I found disappointing, was
> > at least a triumph of special effects - of set design and
> > art direction.
>
> MIKE: At least it had something. This movie has zip.
>
> > "Dick Tracy," which is a sweeter, more
> > optimistic movie,
>
> CROW: A kinder, gentler movie.
> TOM: Now you're getting into the "early Nineties" spirit!
>
> > outdoes even "Batman" in the visual
> > departments. This is a movie in which every frame contains
> > some kind of artificial effect.
>
> MIKE: Warren Beatty himself is one big artificial effect.
>
> > An entire world has been
> > built here,
>
> CROW: At an expense of millions to the taxpayer.
>
> > away from the daylight and the realism of
> > ordinary city streets.
>
> TOM: And into the magical fantasy land of *fake* city streets.
>
> > And "Dick Tracy" also reflects the
> > innocence of the comic strip that inspired it.
>
> MIKE: "Beetle Bailey?"
>
> > Unlike the
> > movie version of "Batman,"
>
> CROW: This movie will be on video by the end of the month.
>
> > which hyped up the level of its
> > violence to a degree that could have been truly disturbing
> > to younger viewers,
>
> TOM: And certain middle-aged film critics.
>
> > the PG-rated "Dick Tracy" contains no
> > obscenity, no blood, and no "realistic" violence.
>
> MIKE: Just a whole lotta nudity.
>
> > It is one
> > of the most original and visionary fantasies I've seen on a
> > screen.
>
> CROW: Original? You just said it was closely modeled on the comic
> strip!
> TOM: And that every time they *deviated* from the comic strip was
> a mistake!
>
> >
> > Dick Tracy * * * *
>
> MIKE: One star for each threatening letter Warren sent Roger.
>
> >
> > Dick Tracy Warren Beatty
> > Big Boy Caprice Al Pacino
>
> CROW: They probably figured Pacino's overacting would compensate
> for Beatty's underacting.
>
> > Breathless Mahoney Madonna
> > Tess Trueheart
>
> TOM: Hey, Beatty's making time with Underdog's girlfriend.
> CROW: No, that's Polly Purebred.
>
> > Glenne Headly
> > Kid Charlie Korsmo
> > Sam Catchem
>
> MIKE: Of the lawfirm Dewey, Catchem, and Whynot.
>
> > Seymour Cassel
> > Pat Patton
>
> TOM: General Patton's nerdy brother.
>
> > James Keane
> > Chief Brandon Charles Durning
> > 88 Keys
>
> CROW: About 44 women.
>
> > Mandy Patinkin
> > Lips Manlis Paul Sorvino
>
> MIKE: Do you think Paul could keep himself from blubbering for the
> whole movie?
>
> > Mumbles Dustin Hoffman
>
> TOM: Originally, Hoffman was slated to play Enunciates Plainly.
>
> > D.A. Fletcher Dick Van Dyke
>
> CROW: How can you take a D.A. seriously when he trips on an ottoman
> every time he approaches the bench?
>
> >
> > Touchstone presents a film produced and directed by Warren
> > Beatty. Screenplay by Jim Cash
>
> MIKE: That's Johnny's nerdy brother.
>
> > and Jack Epps Jr., based on
> > the characters created by Chester Gould.
>
> TOM: [as prospector] Thar's Gould in them thar characters.
>
> > Cinematography by
> > Vittorio Storaro. Production design by Richard Sylbert.
>
> CROW: Sylbert -- the evil offspring of Siskel and Ebert!
> TOM: Or Siskel and Dilbert.
>
> > Edited by Richard Marks. Costumes by Milena Canonero. Music
> > by Danny Elfman.
>
> MIKE: From the Forbidden Zone comes... Elfman! Part elf, part
> man, and all Oingo Boingo.
> CROW: [sings] Weeeeeird science...
> MIKE: Wow, two "Weird Science" references in *one* day!
>
> > Original songs by Stephen Sondheim.
>
> TOM: Does Dick Tracy sing "Send in the Clowns?"
>
> > Visual
> > effects produced by Michael Lloyd and Harrison Ellenshaw.
>
> MIKE: "The Harrisonellenshawshank Redemption."
>
> > Makeup design by John Caglione Jr. and Doug Drexler.
>
> CROW: Let me guess... Clyde's nerdy brother.
>
> > Running time: 110 minutes.
>
> TOM: Schwarzenegger *is* "The Running Time."
>
> > Classified PG. Opening today at
> > local theaters.
> >
>
> MIKE: ...And closing at local theaters about two weeks from now.
>
> [They get up to leave.]
>
> CROW: This kinda makes you appreciate the bald guy.
> TOM: Who? Paul Shaffer? Billy Corgan? Michael Stipe?
>
> [*, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Dog bone]
>
> [SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE]
> [Mike, Tom, and Crow are behind the console, laughing derisively.]
>
> MIKE: That Ebert -- what a dope!
> TOM: What a boob!
> CROW: What a maroon!
> TOM: He couldn't review his way out of a wet paper bag!
> MIKE: He couldn't find a good movie with both hands and a map!
> CROW: He's not fit to change Rex Reed's underwear!
>
> [M&TB are all in hysterics by this point. The mads sign blinks.]
>
> MIKE: [trying to recover] Okay, we've gotta be serious now. Mrs.
> Forrester is calling.
>
> [They try to hold in their laughter. It's no go. After a few seconds,
> they're in hysterics again. Mike presses the button.]
>
> [CASTLE FORRESTER - GREAT HALL]
> [Instead of Pearl, Roger Ebert himself answers. He's wearing Pearl's
> uniform.]
>
> ROGER: Hi, guys.
>
> [SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE]
>
> MIKE: [still laughing] Oh, hi, Mister Ebert... MISTER EBERT?!?
>
> [Mike and the 'bots scream in unison.]
>
> [CASTLE FORRESTER - GREAT HALL]
> [Sure enough, Roger is still there.]
>
> ROGER: Yup. Pearl hadn't fulfilled her "Ebert" quota yet, so she
> just brought me in to wrap up the experiment.
>
> [SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE]
> [They're panicked.]
>
> MIKE: We didn't mean those things we said.
> TOM: It was all in fun... really! You've got to believe us!
> CROW: Did I mention I'm mentally ill?
> MIKE: Bigger kids forced us to do it.
>
> [CASTLE FORRESTER - GREAT HALL]
>
> ROGER: Calm down, guys. I know it was all in fun. Trust me, I've
> got a sense of humor. And besides, you *did* get in a few
> good shots at me. You'll be happy to know that I'm taking
> what you said to heart. In fact, from now on, I'm stepping
> down as the "Chicago Sun-Times" movie critic... TO BECOME
> THE "CHICAGO SUN-TIMES" TV CRITIC!!!
>
> [Roger does the standard "evil" laugh. Fade to black. We hear Mike
> and the 'bots scream.]
>
> [ROLL CLOSING CREDITS AND THEME SONG]
>
> Based on a series created by
> JOEL HODGSON
>
> Written and directed by
> JOE BLEVINS
>
> Joe's Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 Episode Guide
> -----------------------------------------------
> [101] Boycott This Blasphemous Movie
> [102] Sweet Valley High: Oracle On-Air
> [103] Revenge of the Old Queen
> [104] Three Usenet Posts About "Titanic"
> [105] Orgy of the Dead
> [106] IMDb Entry for Rick Sloane
> [107] Ray Wolfe's Online Guide to ERASERHEAD
> [108] I Was a Teenage King Kong
> [109] President Clinton's Apology to the Nation
> [110] A Shameless Clip Show
> [111] Sensual Dreams
> [112] President Clinton's Second Apology to the Nation
> [113] The Penguin's Withdrawal / Joker's Fountain of Youth
> [L01] Roger Ebert Reviews "Dark City" and "Dick Tracy"
> [201] SECOND SEASON PREMIERE [coming soon!]
>
> All my MiSTings are available at http://pinky.wtower.com/mst3k
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------
> D I S C L A I M E R
> -----------------------------------------------------------
> Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its associated characters
> and situations are the property and trademarks of Best
> Brains, Inc. In no way should this MiSTing be construed to
> be an infringement on those rights. All rights reserved.
>
> Copyright (c) 1998 by Joe Blevins
>
> > The movie's emotional high point probably is when Kid
> > decides to call himself Dick Tracy Jr.
>
> Produced right under the nose of the Sci-Fi Channel
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> [POST-CREDITS SEQUENCE]
> [We return to the handsome, well-appointed den. Reginald does not look
> as distinguished as he did at the beginning, however. His hair is
> mussed, and he wears gray sweatpants and a faded "Spuds McKenzie"
> t-shirt. He's curled up on the floor in the fetal position, but when
> he realizes he's on camera, he manages to sit up. Happily, his British
> accent has returned.]
>
> REGINALD: [with British accent] And there you have it... the rare
> "lost" episode of "Mystery Usenet Theater 3000." That
> was Part One in a series of... one. Well, the demon
> dogs have been barking pretty loudly in my head, which
> can only mean that it's time for this buckaroo to hit
> the trail and mosey on out of here. G'bye, folks.
>
> [He crawls on all fours off the set and out of the camera's view. The
> lights dim.]
>
> DIRECTOR: [off] Jeez, Reg, are you okay?
> REGINALD: [off] Is that you, Grampa? Where's my blanket, Grampa?
>
> [Fade to black.]
>
> T H E E N D
1.) SISTER MARY BRAIN GUY??!! What do you have against Catholics?2.) Will
Ebert sue you for libel?
- Arthur A. Gardineer
Joe Blevins
>
> Joe Blevins wrote:
>
> >
> > ROGER EBERT REVIEWS "DARK CITY" & "DICK TRACY"
>
Nothing. I am one. My mother's side of the family has always been
Catholic. I attend mass every Sunday at St. Robert Bellarmine right
down the street. Remember: MUT3K is all in fun. Catholic jokes have
been part of the culture for... well, forever. This is a pretty mild
example of the genre.
> 2.) Will Ebert sue you for libel?
>
Doubtful. Ebert has a sense of humor about himself, as proven by his
talk show appearances (and doing a guest voice part on "The Critic").
He's even a fan of "MST3K." Ebert is actually my favorite professional
movie critic (he wrote two movies for Russ Meyer!), but I happened to
disagree with these two reviews, so I MiSTed them. Notice that Ebert
"wins" at the end and has the last laugh (literally) at the expense of
Mike and the 'bots. The "four-star reviews" host segment in the middle
is pure fiction. Ebert has said none of that. Again, this is all in
good, clean fun.
If my MiSTing upset anyone, I'm sorry. It was not intended to.
--Joe--
AffableAl
than "Cats." I'm going to read it again and again.
Great job!
Be seeing you,
Allan
Chirpy - the Mutant Hellbeast
[Paraphrased because my quoting system isn't working: WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST
CATHOLICS??? SISTER MARY BRAIN GUY?]
A - don't want to jump down YOUR throat. You're a very fine man, outstanding in
your field. [JOEL rips his arm off and throws it across the screen]
B - that being said (and I am guilty of this also) IT'S JUST A FIC, YOU SHOULD
*REALLY* just relax.
C - a single joke, called Sister Mary Brain Guy, should be no less offensive to
a catholic than Woody Allen being a neurotic Jew, or any Circumsicion joke, is
to me, or any other Jew I know. (I'm not a very good Jew though - entire family
is athiest. Jew by blood.)
D - [to Joe] Were you indirectly quoting Cheech and Chong and their "Sister Mary
Elephant?"
--
http://mbr-refer.neotown.com/immg/ --- The Mystery USENET Theater 3000
Incredible Melting Episode Guide!!!
http://members.xoom.com/ToRgO/mst3k -- MST3K TAPE TRADING ZONE!!!
"Reality is something you play with. Like Silly Putty." - 10 pt. reference,
direct from MST3k.
(Yes, this *is* The Poster Formerly Known as Weretorgo!)
Chirpy - the Mutant Hellbeast
[...]
>
> [Fade to black.]
>
> T H E E N D
Genius. Sheer genius. This is the best MSTing I have read this year - it comes
close to displacing Rangers of NIMH and Eye of Argon in the MSTing Top Three. It
blows lesser MSTings, like Enterprized, Rangers II, and my very own Saturday,
out of the friggin water.
Very well done, Joe. =-)
Chirpy - the Mutant Hellbeast
By the way, "his arm" refers to MY arm, not Mr. Gardiner's. =-)
Chirpy - the Mutant Hellbeast wrote:
>
> Richard Gardineer wrote:
>
> [Paraphrased because my quoting system isn't working: WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST
> CATHOLICS??? SISTER MARY BRAIN GUY?]
>
> A - don't want to jump down YOUR throat. You're a very fine man, outstanding in
> your field. [JOEL rips his arm off and throws it across the screen]
>
> B - that being said (and I am guilty of this also) IT'S JUST A FIC, YOU SHOULD
> *REALLY* just relax.
>
> C - a single joke, called Sister Mary Brain Guy, should be no less offensive to
> a catholic than Woody Allen being a neurotic Jew, or any Circumsicion joke, is
> to me, or any other Jew I know. (I'm not a very good Jew though - entire family
> is athiest. Jew by blood.)
>
> D - [to Joe] Were you indirectly quoting Cheech and Chong and their "Sister Mary
> Elephant?"
>
Amanda Van Rhyn
On the Anchorage, AK riff: As a former resident of Fairbanks (aka
Anchorage's Pitiful Parasitic Twin), I can honestly say that Anchorage
isn't really dark. (Quite a pleasant place, actually, when there isn't
some sort of volcano or earthquake.)
Might I recommend (Point) Barrow, AK as an alternative? In its
geographic position of really REALLY north, it's plenty dark - not to
mention that, based on my former camp experience, a lot of Barrowites
are really weird folks.
Of course, Anchorage *does* have Binky the Death Polar Bear...
- Amanda
Joe Blevins
>
> If I may make a single, stupid, pointless comment...
>
> On the Anchorage, AK riff: As a former resident of Fairbanks (aka
> Anchorage's Pitiful Parasitic Twin), I can honestly say that Anchorage
> isn't really dark.
Good to know. Truth be told, I just chose Anchorage because I couldn't
spell Reykjavik, Iceland.
--Joe--
Robert Hutchinson
Oh, yeah, I can see how you wouldn't know how to spell Reykj-- d'oh!!!
> --Joe--
Robert Hutchinson
Servoid
Servoid-Croatia.
Joe Blevins
>
>
>
> D - [to Joe] Were you indirectly quoting Cheech and Chong and their "Sister Mary
> Elephant?"
No, it was *another* comedy recording called "They Don't Make Nun Names
Like That No More." I don't know who recorded it, but it was a song
about nuns who were all named Sister Mary something-or-other.
The scene of Observer whapping Bobo with a ruler was inspired by any
number of "Catholic school" horror stories I've heard (mostly from
people who grew up in the fifties and sixties), but most likely I was
thinking of "The Blues Brothers," which runs on cable about 37 times a
week. That features a nun who whaps Jake and Elwood repeatedly with a
ruler.
I only went to Catholic school for one year -- and I was in elementary
school at the time. My teacher was not a nun and was, in fact, very
nice and never violent. She once played a record of "Another One Bites
the Dust" by Queen in class because the Detroit Lions had adopted it as
their theme song that year. She also tried to get us interested in the
Metric system because she thought it was going to catch on. Miss Smith
was her name. A very nice lady, as I said. If she owned a ruler (a
Metric ruler?) she never used it.
--Joe--
Joe Blevins
>
> An absolute laugh riot. Fun for the whole family. It was much better
> than "Cats." I'm going to read it again and again.
>
> Great job!
Thanks. One big advantage my MSTing has over "Cats": no actors in cat
costumes will come up to you while you read it and sing "Memories."
--Joe--
Joe Blevins
here's a loose translation.
(It's not good Spanish to begin with, but that's intentional. It's
supposed to sound like choppy, first-year high school Spanish. It's all
in the simple present tense -- except for Tom's polite use of
"quisiera.")
MIKE: Hello. Welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Mike Nelson
CROW: And I am Crow the Robot.
MIKE: Crow, where is our companion, Tom Servo?
CROW: Tom is in the library.
MIKE: But there IS no library on the Satellite of Love!
CROW: It's very strange, isn't it?
MIKE & CROW: Ha ha ha ha ha.
MIKE: We will return after these commercials.
CROW: I like to dance with the chickens.
After the commerical, Tom says something to the effect of, "I would like
a bottle of beer, please."
One weird thing I found out: the Spanish word for "robot" has changed
genders! It used to be the feminine "robota," but now it's the
masculine "robot." And, yes, my Spanish dictionary *did* list
"servosistema" as the Spanish translation of the word "servo." Ya learn
somethin' new every day.
--Joe--
Springer
Amanda Van Rhyn wrote in message <36929C...@ispi.net>...
>If I may make a single, stupid, pointless comment...
>
>On the Anchorage, AK riff: As a former resident of Fairbanks (aka
>Anchorage's Pitiful Parasitic Twin), I can honestly say that Anchorage
>some sort of volcano or earthquake.)
Other than that, yeah, Anchorage is pretty damn cool. (Even cooler in the
winter.)
>Might I recommend (Point) Barrow, AK as an alternative? In its
>geographic position of really REALLY north, it's plenty dark - not to
>mention that, based on my former camp experience, a lot of Barrowites
>are really weird folks.
>
>Of course, Anchorage *does* have Binky the Death Polar Bear...
Not any more. Binky died a couple years ago.
Springer, visiting from the TF newsgroups and Anchorage resident.
ma...@eagle.ptialaska.net
Official Springer worshipper, certified sadistic nutcase.
Visit my page!
http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Labyrinth/4410/index.html
Amanda Van Rhyn
> >Of course, Anchorage *does* have Binky the Death Polar Bear...
>
> Not any more. Binky died a couple years ago.
Oh, my bad. Amend that to "had".
Then again, maybe there's Zombie Binky... *starts humming the Twilight
Zone theme*
>
> Springer, visiting from the TF newsgroups and Anchorage resident.
> ma...@eagle.ptialaska.net
>
> Official Springer worshipper, certified sadistic nutcase.
>
- Amanda
Ah, the wonder and thrills of online communication.
Mark Andrew Siefert
[Snip...Whew...]
: 1.) SISTER MARY BRAIN GUY??!! What do you have against Catholics?2.) Will
: Ebert sue you for libel?
First of all, relax! Ever since Catholics got into educating our
youngin's, the image of a Holy Sister whacking a smart-assed student with
a yard stick ala a kendoki with a shinai has been a part of our national
sence of humor. The first thing you must learn as a MiSTie is to leave
your rightous indignation at the door. Everyone is a target!
Secondly, no Ebert can't sue Mr. Blevins for libel. Primarily
because Ebert is a public figure and therefore can expect to receive this
sort of criticism under the privilege of Fair Comment. However, even if
it did somehow reach a civil court, this post in no way meets the
standards of the libel test.
1. The post did not damage Mr. Ebert's reputation as a critic, he
didn't have one to begin with.
2. The post showed no personal malice. In fact, it's considered
a public service to poke fun at an Ebert review.
3. The post was entirely true. Dark City and Dick Tracy sucked!
Also, you can not libel the dead... or in Mr. Ebert's case, the
brain dead. <rimshot>
--
Later,
Mark A. Siefert
E-MAIL: cth...@csd.uwm.edu WWW: http://www.uwm.edu/~cthulhu
=========================================================================
JRW78
mst3k where they thank the First Ammendment. Those founding fathers sure knew
what the heck they were doing.
jasoN
> First of all, relax! Ever since Catholics got into educating our
>youngin's, the image of a Holy Sister whacking a smart-assed student with
>a yard stick ala a kendoki with a shinai has been a part of our national
>sence of humor. The first thing you must learn as a MiSTie is to leave
>your rightous indignation at the door. Everyone is a target!
>
> Secondly, no Ebert can't sue Mr. Blevins for libel. Primarily
>because Ebert is a public figure and therefore can expect to receive this
>sort of criticism under the privilege of Fair Comment. However, even if
>it did somehow reach a civil court, this post in no way meets the
>standards of the libel test.
>
> 1. The post did not damage Mr. Ebert's reputation as a critic, he
>didn't have one to begin with.
>
> 2. The post showed no personal malice. In fact, it's considered
>a public service to poke fun at an Ebert review.
>
> 3. The post was entirely true. Dark City and Dick Tracy sucked!
>
> Also, you can not libel the dead... or in Mr. Ebert's case, the
>brain dead. <rimshot>
----------
Check out my homepage:
http://members.xoom.com/jrw78/index.html
WBUFFALO13
it goes:
And the 1999 Golden Hamdinger for best MiSTing goes to...
"Roger Ebert Reviews "Dark City" and "Dick Tracy" by Joe Blevins.
WBUFFALO13
Venting feels good, doesn't it?
(Passes out over keyboard.)sejhgilwhbi345;orfd
A Turner
>Then again, maybe there's Zombie Binky... *starts humming the Twilight
>Zone theme*
>>
Can one actually "hum" the Twilight Zone theme? I would think
it wouldn't come across terribly well without the requisite do, dee,
do, do's.
Sorry, it's REALLY late.
A Turner