MiST: Cyborged!!! (Part1)
d.
all these bad movies, we thought we'd like to experience what it's
like to act in a cheesy movie. Today we're learning the dramatic
pause.
Tom: I am a creature of...the night.
Joel: Tom's a vampire and Crow is a Shao-Lin priest.
Crow: Come to Chinatown. Ask for...Crow. I will help you.
Tom: I do not drink...wine.
Crow: To the blind...all is beautiful.
Joel: Ok, that's enough, Spunky and Brewster are calling.
[Joel smacks a random button on the console. Scene changes to
the Deep 13 Laboratory.]
Clayton: Hello, Booby. Are you ready for this week's invention
exchange?
Joel: Well, Sirs, since the only recreational TV you give us is the first
15 minutes of Star Trek...
Crow: (whispering to Tom) At least they don't send us Deep Space 9!
Joel: We thought we'd come up with our own Star Trek plot lines. To make
it easier, we took a hint from the Chinese restaraunt
industry and create some easy to use menus. Tom?
Tom: I'll take one from column A, one from column B, and one from column C
please.
Joel: Ok, Tom, that gives you 'The Enterprise must save an alien race
from extinction, Geordi falls in love...
Crow: again...
Joel: ...and they have a nice moral for the ending.' Crow?
Crow: I'll have two from column B, and one from column C.
Joel: Ok, Crow. That gives you 'Worf must recover his family's honor...
Tom: again...
Joel: ...Data tries to develop a sense of humor...
Tom & Crow: ...again
Joel: ...and they have a nice moral for the ending.' What do you think,
Sirs?
[cut to Deep 13]
Clayton: Well, Mr. Pie-in-the-sky, have I got something to show you! C'mere
Frank!
TV's Frank: Yes, Brigidier of Evil?
Clayton: No, that's Group Captain of Evil. [turns back to camera. Holds
up a cheap plastic gun] I like to call this invention my
Shatnerizer. [He shoots TV's Frank]
TV's Frank: No! Don't...shoot!
Clayton: As you can see, booby, TV's Frank's personality has been
*COMPLETELY* submlimated! In it's place, I've substituted that
of the archetypical Bad Actor: William Shatner!
[cut to Satellite of Love]
Joel, Crow & Tom: You FIEND!!
[cut back to Deep 13]
Clayton: Why, thank you, boobobulous.
[in background]
TV's Frank: My ship! What...have you done...with my ship??
Clayton: Shut up Frank! Joel, This week's torture isn't a movie.
Rather, it's a fanfic. A Dr. Who fanfic in fact.
Crow, Tom, Joel: WHEW!
Clayton: Aboard the Starship Enterprise.
Crow, Tom, Joel: NOOOOOO!
Tom: The horror! The horror!
Joel: We've got MOVIE SIGN...Woooah!!!
[Joel slams random button, and we cut to the opening doors sequence]
[SCENE: Inside the theatre]
>>Cyborged by Simon Jerram. Based on ideas by Dave Shariff Yadalee.
Tom: High on the hill sat the lonely goatherd! Yadalee! Yadaloohoo!
>> There are many things you have to think of when designing a spaceship.
Tom: Like the size of its nacelles.
Crow: It's not how big the nacells are, it's how well you --
Tom & Joel: Crow!
>>Aeodynamics isn't one of them.
Tom: Aeodynamics? Evidentally, spelling and grammar aren't thought of
either!
>> As ships are built in space, desinged ne
>>to come closer than to orbit a planetoid, ships can come in all shapes a
>>sizes so long as they're defendable, and free of any radiation field the
>>may come accross.
Crow: My diodes are tingling. This is going to be a bad one.
Joel: Oh, I don't know...
>>
>> The borg cube looked more like it had been grown than designed. Lights
>>swarmed all over and through the twisted object.
Crow: Like sweaty sailors looking for a good time.
>> The creatures inside
>>augmented for necesity, to constantly improve. The ship was moving at
>>an impossibly high velocity chasing a ship which it was their intention
>>to assimilate into their kind.
Tom: Grammar are irrelevant. You will being assimilated.
Crow: Punctuation is futile!
>> The ship being persued was exacly the opposite.
Joel: Oh, the Borg are only perusing them. That assimilation
thing must get boring after awhile.
>> The mother ship was
>>ovoid in shape and looked very intricately designed indeed. The two
>>ships could not have looked more different.
Tom: Unless one had been built by IBM.
>> Which was odd realy as the
>>occupants were very much alike.
Tom: ...in that they both liked catfish and squaredancing.
>> In the time space vortex nearby, a much smaller ship spinned on its
>>way.
Crow: Stop spinning! I'm gonna throw up!
>> The interior was the size of Manchester, London, and Sidney put
>>together.
Crow: Well, Sidney is a big guy.
Joel: Didn't he play for the Broncos?
>> Maybe you could throw in New York for good measure.
Tom: {laughing} Please do!
>> There
>>were many areas unexplored by its three occupants.
Joel: Like the Pee-Wee Herman Shrine next to the statue of Ethel Merman.
Crow & Tom: Ewww!
>> The Owner was a
>>small man known as the Doctor.
Joel: Doctor who?
Crow & Tom: Exactly.
Joel: What?
Tom: Second base.
Joel: Doh!
>> He was fiddling under a large mushroom
>>shaped console in the enormous domed console room.
Tom: Hey! Stop fiddling with that thing, you don't know where its been!
>> Watching him was
>>Ace, a young woman in her early to late twenties.
Joel: Her EARLY to LATE twenties?
Tom: Was she BIG and SMALL too?
Crow: Was she DEEP and WIDE?
Joel & Tom: Crow!
>> She wore an all in on
>>lycra-like battle uniform, with a bomber jacket adorned with badges and
>>a belt with many 25th century gadgets hanging from it.
Joel: Hey, that's pretty chic!
Tom: Yeah, if you're blind.
>>Elsewhere in a library to put Oxford's copyright library to shame was
>>Professor Bernice Summerfield.
Crow: Heck, this fanfic would put Oxford's library to shame if they had it!
>> She was in her thirties with short dark
>>hair and Dark eyes.
Tom: {deep, announcer voice} And she lived a life of quiet desperation.
>> She wore a flowing coat.
Crow: And a gushing skirt.
>>None of these three were aware that the tardis had entered a warp
>>field and had passed
Crow: a stone.
>> through into normal space.
>>
>>
>>" Sir" said the yellow-eyed android Data
Crow: Boy, is *he* jaundiced!
>> " There is an object
>> off the Stern
Tom: David Stern?
>> and could be deemed a navigation hazard. Currious,
>> it seems to be an old London police box"
Joel: Oohh, the Space Rangers musta put it there before their show was
canceled!
>>This was the bridge of a starship
Joel: Oh, now that's setting the scene.
>>
>> "Attention Shuttle Bay 1", ordered the Captain Picard with a smile
>> "Standby to recieve an unidentified object."
Crow: Did we miss some plot here? They don't know what it is, so
OF COURSE they bring it on board.
Joel: Maybe their scanners are broken or something.
Crow: Or maybe this just really *bites*!
>>
>>
>> "Ace", said the Doctor, "Please hand me my wrench, this
>>new sonic screwdriver I've build is useless."
Tom: Not to mention my verb declensions.
>> "Sonic or plum-"
>> Suddenly the TARDIS was pulled in by the Enterprise and its crew were tth
>>thrown off balence.
Crow: Unbalanced. Like the author of this trash...
Tom: {laughing} Whose crew?
>> As the tractor beams lock on to the TARDIS it is abruptly shaken up and
>> the Doctor and Ace were thrown into the corner along with the tools and
>> the Hatstand.
Tom: Here we go with those tenses again!
Crow: Wasn't this a domed console room? Does a dome have corners?
>>
>> In unison both Ace and the Doctor cried "What have you done now?"
>>
>> The Doctor realizing that the problem is caused by an outside force
>> uprights himself and goes to the control panel and switched the view
Tom: New tasty Keebler tenses! Collect all four!
>> screen on while Ace cleans up the mess.
Joel: Yeah, there must be spilled tenses all over the floor over there.
>> He focuses his atention on
>> the image in the lagest of the roundels.
Crow: lagest?
>>
>>
>> "Captin" interupts Lt. Worf "this 'Police Box" shows power reading off our
>> scales with no detectable form of power generation"
Joel: It must be powered by Spam. They've never figured that stuff out.
>>
>>"Sir" Data interupts "there is no obvious form of propulsion for it
Tom: A lot of interupting going on. Oops, sorry to interrupt.
>>to be this far away from earth. The 'Police box' seems to be equiped with
>equipment that is far superior to ours yet it is so small how can it contain
>>both two live humans and all the equipment for them to be this far from
>>Earth"
Crow: My run-on sentence circuits seem to be malfunctioning, Captain.
>>
>>Commander La Forge report to Shuttle bay one with a complete diagnostic
>>team"
Joel: Magic Voice?
>>
>>"I've been monitoring this communications Commander and I'm on my way there
>>allready - La Forge out"
>>
Joel: Oh, Jordy's got the whole ship bugged. That's how he got to be
Chief Engineer.
>>"Worf, Data, Troy, and ensign Crusher you're with me!"
Crow: "...and bring a cattle prod!"
>>
>>"I'm going with you No.1 - I'm currious about this mystery myself!"
Tom: Who's saying all this anyway. This is worse than a pack of
newbies in alt.flame misattributing each other.
>>
>>Shuttle bay one of a Galaxy Class Star ship is a large cavenous affair,
Joel: Oh, I don't know. I think its more like a small May-December
romance.
>>The Gleaming white pannels of the walls decorated with freindly Greetings
>>in all the major languages of the galaxy.
Crow: That one says, "Bite Me" in Andorian.
>> Picard and his team postioned
>>themselves behind the tractor beam generator, their brethable atmosphere
>>protected by the same technology.
Tom: Tractor Bean technology sucks. Heh heh, sorry.
>> As the rainbows of force dragged the
Joel: Rainbows of force...isn't that a Robert Frost poem?
Crow: No, its an NBC made-for-television movie starring Lindsey Wagner.
Tom: No, its a new propulsion system made famous by the Leprechaun from
Lucky Charms cereal.
Joel: It's all these things, and more. Now how much would you pay?
>>blue object into the entrance of the bay, it dissapeared. The diagnsostic
>>team were alarmed to hear a strange wheezing and groaning sound behind
>them.
Joel: Oh, that's just the Captain. He's getting a little old to be running
all over the ship everytime there's a crisis...
Tom: Or it might be Raymond Burr. Heh.
>> They turned round to see the blue box meterialising out of thin air.
Tom: Blue box? I knew it, they've brought a bunch of Phone Phreaks aboard!
>>No burst of transporter energy, it simply faded into exiztance.
Tom: I remember autumn days, when I would languish for hours
amongst the sweet spelling errors...
>>
>>
>>Meanwhile a large saucer like vessel is traveling at what Starfleet would call
>>Warp 9.8
Crow: But what the rest of us just call "dumb."
>> just beyond the enterprises sensor range. The control room of which
>>is large and dark. The many surfaces appear to be made from
Tom: {deep voice} Tanned human flesh.
>> brushed steel.
>>The room is occupied by several humanoid figures. Standing at over 2 metres
>>tall the cybemen are lagre cybernetic beings.
Crow: I guess that's why they call them CYBERmen.
>> Most of their augmentation is
>>hidden in a casing made of a metal harder than steel, but which moves like
>>silver cotton.
Tom: Silver Cotton? Hee hee hee...who's writing this stuff?
>> Each is supported by its life support unit, starting at their
>>chests and ending in a large solid collar. Unlike their ancestors, the
>>grill on their chest is protected against any accidental missiles,
Joel: Oops! Sorry about that missle, Joe!
>> but they
>>remain suceptable to one weakness.
Tom: Hot fudge sundaes.
>> Gold dust.
Tom, Crow & Joel: Ohhhh!
>>One cyberman stands in the centre of the room, his superiority denoted
>>by the black markings on his helmet. He speaks, "Report!"
>>
>>"We are outrunning the cube like object.
Crow: And now we're flying through the empty-like space.
>> The scanners have locked on to
>>the federation ship. A time lord is abord."
Joel: Did he say absurd?
Tom: I think he said the time lord was bored.
Crow: Can't say that I blame him...
>>"We must not allow this mothership to be captured by the Borg. They will
>>use our knowledge and technology to delete the cyberace from existance.
>>Our purpose is to protect the cyber race"
Crow: And to spread bad special effects through the galaxy.
>>"Do you have any data on the Time Lord"
Tom: He likes long walks by the seaside, enjoys a nice log fire on a wintery
night, and is looking for that special someone to share his life with.
>>"It is the Doctor"
>>"Excellant. It is logical that we help the humans against the Borg. They
>>will help us."
>>"Data shows that humans will act against the cyber race.
Crow: What does Data have to do with this?
>>We shoud destroy them, or allow them to join us."
Tom: Or at least torture them with another chapter...
>>"But if the humans have to fight the Borg, it is logical that they will
>>not fight us. He shall re asses the logic
{Crow starts laughing. Joel puts his hand over Crow's mouth}
>> if the borg is destroyed."
>>"If the Doctor and the Humans cannot destroy the Borg with our help, it
>>is logical we must self destruct."
>>"Excelant"
Tom: Party on, Cyber Leader.
Joel: Party on, Cyber Warrior.
{Crow is still laughing.}
>>
>>"Greetings. I'm the Doctor, and this is my Friend Ace. My other friend
>>Bernice is following."
Crow: {recovered, mostly} She's in trouble if she's trying to follow
the plot!
>>"Apologies for the hostile action, you were causing us a problem." Said
>>Picard.
Crow: Nothing a little Ex-Lax couldn't cure...
Joel: Wasn't tardis off the STERN end of the ship? Did they need to
put the Enterprise in reverse?
>>"Apology accepted. The old girl isn't quite herself,
Tom: She's Judy Garland.
>>it makes a change for her to be a navigation hazard for someone else."
Crow: But we like Bernice anyway.
>>"Where are we Doctor?" asked Ace.
>>Geordi didnt wait for permission, "This is the Federation galaxy class
>>starship USS enterprise NCC 1701-D."
Crow: D for Dumb.
>>Troi took this as an opportunity to ask some questions, "You're not as human
>>as you appear to be Doctor. And you have quite a strong mental presence."
>>"Yes." Replied the doctor, rather abruptly. "Perhaps we could contine
>>this little chat in more comfortable surroundings.
Tom: {announcer voice} Like in this BRAND NEW CAR!
>> I'm sure your tecnicians
>>would like to take a look around my craft."
Joel: Yeah, and we'll let the technicians in too.
>> The Doctor turned to the
>>Engineer and the Student.
Crow: Who's the 'Student'? Where's the exposition for crying out loud!
>>"Bernice will help you."
Tom: "...figure out what's going on."
>>
>>The Doctor and Ace were enjoying the hospitality of Captain Picard.
Crow: {snickers loudly}
>>Meanwhile Data and the first officer discussed their presence.
Joel: I'm here.
Tom: Me too!
>> "Having had chance to analyse their actions, I found something odd about
>>their voice patterns."
>> "Odd?"
Tom: They speak in a nice paisley print...
>> "Their Accents. The accents correspond to certain areas of Britain,
>>but also to the 20th century."
Joel: I guess Britain didn't exist during the 20th century?
Tom: Yea-- Wha-huh?
>> "Can you be sure?"
Tom: No. But since the plot is about as deep as this water glass,
we'll let it slide for now.
>> "In extreme cases someone may have perpetuated thier family accent,
>>but would still sound mostly like the broad European Accent of Captain
>>Picard."
Joel: That's just bad acting.
>> The conversation was interupted by the Klingon Security Officer.
>> "Sir-recieving signal from an unidentified vessel."
>> "On-screen"
Crow: Lieutenant-Worf. Please-turn-off-the-hypenating-machine.
>> The large screen cleared to reveal the features of a Cyberman.
Joel: Hey! It's Bozo, the clown kids love!
>>Further Episodes to come.....
Crow: That's it?
Tom: Be glad, Crow. Be very, very glad it's over.
Joel: Come on, let's get out of here.
[Joel picks up Tom, they leave as the doors shut. We rejoin them
in the satellite set. They are shaking their heads sadly.]
Clayton: How was it, Booby, another piece of trite trash for your
viewing excitement?
Crow: Ok, if we could get behind the lack of plot,
Tom: Spelling,
Crow: Exposition,
Tom: Grammar,
Crow: Intelligence,
Tom: and everything else bad with the story...
Crow: Then we'd STILL have a fanfic left.
Joel: That was bad sirs. Really really bad.
TV's Frank (in background): Spock! Spock! Spock!
[TV's Frank is cut off as Clayton slaps him]
Clayton: Shut up, Weiner Boy.
TV's Frank: Set phasers...on stun! Fire...at will!
Clayton: Oh, Push the button, Frank.
TV's Frank: Load...all photon torpedoes.
Clayton: Push the button, Frank.
Frank: Set dispersal...for maximum spread!
Clayton: {shouts} PUSH THE BUTTON FRANK!
Frank: Fire!
{Frank pushes the button, the screen goes black}
Clayton: Weiner boy.
Roll Credits.
MiSTed by:
d. Page (pa...@cs.odu.edu)
David Bianco (bia...@cs.odu.edu)
MST3K characters are copyright Best Brains Inc.
>>Ace, a young woman in her early to late twenties.
--
Move along, move along...there's no sig here for you to see.
Harlan Freilicher
read this one.
-Harlan
--
_________________________________________________________________________
| Harlan Freilicher | "And remember: expressing your individuality |
| har...@acpub.duke.edu | is just plain wrong." -Crow T. Robot |
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mark Meyer
If you ask me (no one did, but that won't stop me), "Turn"
d. Page and David Bianco did a great job. Really excellent. So much
so, in fact, that they shouldn't have ended the MiSTing after one
installment. They should have gone to a host segment and waited for
the next installment. I'd love to see the entire saga ripped, er,
treated.
Excellent choice for tag line, though. "Early to late
twenties"?
I'm sorely (ouch!) tempted to take these various MiSTings and
convert them to PostScript or LaTeX, so they'll look really cool.
With authors' permission, of course. Need to experiment with fonts
first, though. What do you think, sirs?
--
Mark Meyer | mme...@dseg.ti.com |
Texas Instruments, Inc., Plano, TX +--------------------+
Every day, Jerry Junkins is grateful that I don't speak for TI.
"You have triggered primary defense mechanism." "Blast!" "Affirmative."
d.
>In article <MMEYER.93O...@m2.rts.dseg.ti.com> mme...@m2.rts.dseg.ti.com (Mark Meyer) writes:
>
>||
>|| If you ask me (no one did, but that won't stop me), "Turn"
>
>you for this one! 8)
Oh, like I haven't heard that one every day I rode on the
elementary school bus. Geez.
>|| Excellent choice for tag line, though. "Early to late
>|| twenties"?
My choice. heh.
>|| I'm sorely (ouch!) tempted to take these various MiSTings and
>|| convert them to PostScript or LaTeX, so they'll look really cool.
>|| With authors' permission, of course. Need to experiment with fonts
>|| first, though. What do you think, sirs?
>||
>If there really is sufficient interest (or you feel bored one day!)
>feel free. All I ask is that if you do mine, please upload them to my
Ditto. Feel free.
F1, Dave.
d.
David J. Bianco
||
|| If you ask me (no one did, but that won't stop me), "Turn"
Now he has a new nickname... hehehehe... I'm sure he won't be thanking
you for this one! 8)
|| d. Page and David Bianco did a great job. Really excellent. So much
|| so, in fact, that they shouldn't have ended the MiSTing after one
|| installment. They should have gone to a host segment and waited for
|| the next installment. I'd love to see the entire saga ripped, er,
|| treated.
Gee, why don't you tell us how you really feel? 8) Glad you liked it.
|| Excellent choice for tag line, though. "Early to late
|| twenties"?
It was either that or "we'll have to re asses our logic." I think we
got the right one too...
|| I'm sorely (ouch!) tempted to take these various MiSTings and
|| convert them to PostScript or LaTeX, so they'll look really cool.
|| With authors' permission, of course. Need to experiment with fonts
|| first, though. What do you think, sirs?
||
If there really is sufficient interest (or you feel bored one day!)
feel free. All I ask is that if you do mine, please upload them to my
ftp site (ftp.cs.odu.edu). We were wishing last night that we had
some better way to set off the stories text from our own, er,
annotations...
We're waiting for the next installment...
--
==============================================================================
David J. Bianco | "All the computers, all the data, all the
Dept. of Computer Science | programs, all the POWER!" -- The Network
Old Dominion University |
Norfolk, VA 23529 | PGP key: finger <bia...@cs.odu.edu>
(804)683-4893 |
==============================================================================
Alden Bates
Interesting.
Erm, apart from that, why?
Unfortunatly, being from the other side of the planet, I have little idea what
you are talking about.
I do recall a similar sounding series mentioned on "Entertainment Tonight" but we
haven't seen it here yet. pity.
The point is: couldn't you have mailed your criticisms, instead of posting them
in this fashion? I was rather enjoying that story.
Alden Bates.
_________ ------------------------------------------------------------
// O //| All posts/mail are a product of the sender's crazed mind
//______///| and should not be taken to reflect badly on the rest of his
|+=====+|//| brain.
|| # # ||//|
|| L L ||//| Alden Bates
|| L L ||//| Victoria Univercity of Wellington,
|| L L ||/// New Zealand
_||_____||// (Alden...@comp.vuw.ac.nz) Staff Writer of the NZDWFC
~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------------------------------------
d.
>>Interesting.
Thank you!
>>
>>Erm, apart from that, why?
Why not?
>>
>>Unfortunatly, being from the other side of the planet, I have little idea what
>>you are talking about.
Bummer. You're missing out on a lot of fun...
>>
>>I do recall a similar sounding series mentioned on "Entertainment Tonight" but we
>>haven't seen it here yet. pity.
Perhaps you can get someone to trade you MST3K tapes for Dr. Who
tapes?
>>
>>The point is: couldn't you have mailed your criticisms, instead of posting them
>>in this fashion? I was rather enjoying that story.
It wasn't a criticism. Read it again. See if you can find
any humo(u)r in it.
The author knew it wasn't a flame, and in fact codones our
literary violence over here, thinking it was funny. We're
sleeping well at night o'er here....
Heh. =)
Alden Bates
In article <29i14e$b...@xanth.cs.odu.edu>, pa...@lightning.cs.odu.edu (d.) writes:
|> >>The point is: couldn't you have mailed your criticisms, instead of posting them
|> >>in this fashion? I was rather enjoying that story.
|>
|> It wasn't a criticism. Read it again. See if you can find
|> any humo(u)r in it.
|>
|> The author knew it wasn't a flame, and in fact codones our
|> literary violence over here, thinking it was funny. We're
|> sleeping well at night o'er here....
I saw the humour, I just wasn't sure if the author minded or not... Guess I
should have let them comment on it first. :-)+)
I'm not sleeping well at night over here... Somes some idiot parked a police box
in my bedroom, that horrible graunching noise is keeping me awake...
Alden Bates.