[MSTing] Blood and Metal (Part 7 of 9)
Shay_...@letterbox.com
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< - - - - - - - - - - Designed for a 78-letter line size - - - - - - - - - - >
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"Blood and Metal", by David Gonterman
MSTing by Shay Caron (Shay_...@letterbox.com)
Part 7 of 9
[ INT SOL. Tom is off to the left of the screen talking to Mike. Crow is over
on the right side. He hits the Mads Sign Signal-Thingy(tm). ]
CROW: May I please speak to Davey Robotnik?
[ Mobius. Observer is the only one shown. ]
OBSERVER: Oh, ah, hang on, I'll see where he is. [ shouts ] Is there a Davey
Robotnik anywhere here?
DAVEY: [ off-screen ] Hey!
OBSERVER: What?
DAVEY: [ walks on ] Never mind. Who wants to talk with me?
[ SOL ]
CROW: I do, blubberkins.
[ Mobius ]
DAVEY: Hey!
[ SOL ]
CROW: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were so sensitive about being
Robotnik's son. I'll be a bit kinder.
[ Mobius ]
DAVEY: Oh, well, that's--
[ SOL ]
CROW: NOT!!
[ Mobius ]
DAVEY: Look, spider-duck, I could blow you from here to kingdom come!
[ SOL ]
CROW: You and what robotic arm, bucko? Just bring us down there and we'll see!
[ Mobius ]
DAVEY: Fine, I will! Hey, Observer, bring them all down.
OBSERVER: All right. [ to himself ] At least he doesn't call me Brain Guy.
PEARL: [ off-screen ] Just a minute, you two! [ she walks on ] Nobody's
bringing anybody down here! It's Fanfic Sign, anyway.
[ SOL. The Movie Sign alarms go off. ]
CROW: Crap. She's right.
MIKE, TOM: Fanfic Sign!!
[ 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... ]
[ Everyone enters the theater. ]
CROW: Man, that Davey's a spaz!
MIKE: Were you provoking the Mobians again?
CROW: Who, me?
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Page 17
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> "Cancer?
MIKE: Oh, what an uplifting way to begin the session.
> My Uncle? Oh, no!"
CROW: Oh, yes!
> "I'm afraid so, Sonic. All over."
TOM: This fanfic, all over.
> Uncle Chuck coughs in his infirmary bed
CROW: OK, now put your face in your infirmary bed. Mm-hmm, now cough.
> as Sonia and Sasha feed their
> healing magic into him
MIKE: In the form of chicken soup.
> while the bobcat that used to be Sally's portable
> computer, Nicole,
TOM: Wondered how so many contrivances could be crammed into one fanfic.
> did a diagnostic check.
MIKE: [ Nicole ] Yep, I've definitely been turned into a plot contrivance.
> "It was all that waste from my
> former mechanical body,"
TOM: For the last time, HIS BODY IS STILL MECHANICAL!!! It just LOOKS real!
MIKE: It's your plot point, Davey, keep it straight!
> he speaks weakly. "The poison from this design
> flaw almost got me.
MIKE: [ Homer Simpson ] D'oh!
> This is one of the reasons who almost half of all who
> have been roboticized are
CROW: Alive and well!
> dead now
CROW: Oh, oops... sorry.
> <a pause> including Mutski
MIKE: Who?
TOM: Probably a dog. See, it says "Mutt".
MIKE: With one "t".
> . . . He just
> died five hours before you showed up.
TOM: [ Charles/Chuck, suddenly cheerful ] Well, how 'bout a game of ping
pong?
> I'm <cough> sorry, Sonic."
CROW: [ Charles/Chuck ] Or we could play chess.
> Sonic hid his head in his hands.
CROW: Which is easy to do, with *his* size hands!
> "Aw no. . . not Mutski . . . first
> him, now <sob> . . .
MIKE: [ Sonic ] Dick Clark?
> you?"
> Chuck held his nephew's head back up.
TOM: And then knocked it down again just for fun.
> "Now, now, sonny.
CROW: [ Charles/Chuck ] In my day, we had to walk 15 miles in the snow to get
cancer, uphill both ways!
> <cough> I
> wasn't given this new life just so I can throw it back in your face. I'll
MIKE: [ Charles/Chuck ] Throw a lemon meringue pie instead!
> beat this cancer! <coughs and hacks>"
MIKE: [ Charles/Chuck ] Well, maybe not.
> "And it looks like you will, Sir Charles."
TOM: Yeah, here we go.
CROW: What crap has David pulled out of his porcelain shrine this time?
> Nicole completed her
> diagnostics.
MIKE: Hey, I thought she TALKED LIKE THIS.
> "Thanks to your new biogenetic body given you by Davey
CROW: Remember, she turned into a bobcat somehow. Probably in some fanfic we
never saw.
> Crockett, alias David Kintobor, <Everybody's eyes turned to the bobcat> and
CROW: See?
TOM: Shh! You want Pearl to find that fanfic?
> the combined spells of Suni and Sasha, you will be cancer free in three
TOM: [ Nicole ] Centuries. Will that be a problem?
> weeks. You will pull through, my friend."
MIKE: Through the needle in that saying.
> "Really,"
CROW: [ Jim Carrey ] Re-he-he-heally?
> Charles raises one of his now-soft-again
TOM: Is it correct to use a hyphenated phrase for an adjective?
MIKE: Well, it's probably just-a-little-bit allowed.
> eyebrows, "er,
> Nicole? Hypothetically, whatwould happen if I were just . . .
MIKE: Fill-in-the-blank time!
TOM: A venereal disease!
CROW: Monosodium glutamate!
MIKE: The Communications Decency Act!
> deroboticized, straight?"
MIKE: There was a crooked robot who served a crooked guy.
CROW: He had a crooked laser and zapped a crooked Freedom Fighter.
TOM: Not the world's best poem, but at least it's unoriginal.
> "I'm afraid that my best educated guess will predict you
MIKE: Star of a new rock group!
TOM: Two Cheeseheads and a Sombrero!
> dead in six
> days."
TOM: [ Nicole ] And a half.
> A long and ominous pause from the planet again.
MIKE: Oh, we ran out of Mako energy again! Look, just go down to the Promised
Land and pick some up, would you?
> Tonight was by far one
> of the quietest.
CROW: One of the quietest pants.
> Charles sighs as he nestles back into his pillow.
TOM: [ Charles/Chuck ] I love you, pillow.
> "So, this is the
> key,
MIKE: The skeleton key.
> isn't it Freedom Fighters. Clever to use a Roboticizer to undo a
CROW: Pancake batter recipe.
> Roboticizer. I should've seen his Father's influence in him sooner.
TOM: He's influenced by a priest?
MIKE: I don't think the capital F was supposed to be there.
CROW: Then he's influenced by an ather?
MIKE: No...
> Still,
> he just might be what this planet needs to be healed and whole again.
CROW: What about the Lifestream? That'll work too.
> By
> the way,Princess, where is he?"
TOM: [ Sally ] Well, Mobius, I think.
> "David? Oh, he's . . . oh . . . my . . . gosh . . . SONIC!! HE'S
MIKE: He's Sonic?
> STILL IN ROBOTROPLIS!!!"
MIKE: Oh.
CROW: And that's a bad thing?
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Sally and Sonic was just as stunned as even the Swats that were chasing
> them when they saw from Nicole--in pocket computer form--
CROW: As opposed to fake vomit form.
> Davey accidentally
> unlocking the DNA Lock that proved that he was Robotnik's son, but Sonic
> snapped out of it when he saw Uncle Chuck collapse from an apparent heart
> attack in a far corner.
ALL: WHAT?!
TOM: Did we just get shoved into a flashback or something?
> They dropped everything and headed to Main
> Roboticizer #2 in a flash.
MIKE: Copyright infringement! Copyright infringement!
> They scooped up Chuck
BOTS: Ewww!
> and grabbed Tails,
BOTS: Ewwwww!!
> then
> they were shouting for Davey to
MIKE: Toss them a long bomb!
> snap out of it.
> The details of the next five minutes were very fuzzy.
TOM: Did they tickle?
> They only
> comprised of
MIKE: Hidden footage from Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail!
> a cry that came from the deepest depths of
BOTS: The audience.
> David Kintobor's
> anguished soul, and the sight of Main Roboticizer #2 descending to Hell as
CROW: Yeah, there's a special 10th level of Hell for machines. Gimme a break.
> they all streaked to Knothole, fearing that an errant Power Rifle blast
> would hit them. . .
TOM: Pop! There they go.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> "YOU LEFT HIM IN ROBOTROPLIS?!?" Sonia had her up against the wall.
CROW: Woo-hoo!
> "How could you, Sally Acorn? Did you leave him to die?!?!"
CROW: Woo-hoo and a half!
> Sally couldn't answer. The shock of the revelation over Davey has yet
> to sink in her.
TOM: [ Slappy Squirrel ] Thank you, Mr. Exposition.
> "Dammit!" Sonia dropped the Princess and booked toward the smoldering
> ruins at 300mph. All others just stood there stunned,
CROW: [ all others ] Our dream come true at last...
> some shaking it off
> to join in the search party.
MIKE: Gotta search for our missing six-pack.
> "Oh my stars, Sally girl. This hear's somthin' to wake you up in th'
> mornin', nothing like a good shock plot twist."
ALL: And this is nothing like a good shock plot twist.
> "Man, I can't believe it. Davey Crockett is Robuttnik's . . . son?"
> "I'm afraid so, Sonic. <cough> Only a person with a DNA pattern close
> enough to match Robotnik's DNA pattern can open up that lock."
TOM: I still say that wouldn't work.
> "Damn, first King Acorn almost became a crystalline figure, now this."
> This is the first time Tails ever used a cuss word. No one bothered to get
> out the soap.
MIKE: Because that would be a useless add-on to an already rambling story.
CROW: So why again didn't they?
MIKE: D'oh.
> Elizabeth Racoon,
TOM: Chris?
CROW: No, that was Rebecca.
TOM: Oh yeah.
> who didn't get that Meeko joke Davey said about his
> hat the first day he arrived at Knothole,
MIKE: As if we care.
> was the only one to raise her
> voice, which was normal for her.
CROW: As if we care.
> "You mean that somebody was desperate
> enough to become Ms. Robotnik?"
TOM: As if we care.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
CROW: Um, Mike's expected heart rate.
MIKE: Ack!
>
> Bear found him first. He started as soon as he knew about David
> Kintobor, so he had a head start. He saw the grief-stricken cyborg
CROW: Last call, guys!
MIKE: I am Borg, Borg, bo-borg, banana fanna fo-forg, me-mi-mo-morg, Borg!
CROW: I am PowerMac of Borg. You will bomb!
TOM: [ muttered ] Get bent. [ normal ] I am Windows of Borg. I am supposed to
assimilate several things at once, but when itryelfg ;h 'rthjy' tjuty
kj, GPF 13208r3425:321 cause an error in KERNEL386.EXE
CROW: [ muttered ] Bite me. [ normal ] I am Dyslexic of Borg! Your ass will be
laminated!
MIKE: Crow! Er, I am Dot of Borg. You will be cute...
TOM: I am Mattel of Borg. Some assimilation required.
CROW: I am Xerox of Borg. You would be assimilated. but while we invented the
assimilation process, we didn't make use of it and gave it to Apple of
Borg.
TOM: I am Windows of Borg. Your memory and disc space will be assimilated.
MIKE: Welcome to Borger King. We do it our way. "Your way" is irrelevant. You
will be assimilated. You want fries with that?
CROW: Welcome to Borg-TV. You will be assimilated after this word from our
sponsor.
MIKE: I am Clinton of Borg. Your paycheck will be assimilated!
TOM: I am Win95 of Borg. You will be assimilated slowly and a year behind
schedule. Even then you'll claim to be a cutting edge borg, but you
won't do anything that previous borgs couldn't do.
CROW: That does it! [ Crow leaps at Tom. A battle begins. ]
MIKE: Guys, cut it out!
> fox
> amongst smoldering rubble, robot parts, oil flowing like rivers, and a
BOTS: [ stop fighting ] Aaack!!
MIKE: Whew.
> broken glass tube. Packbell, Snivley, and the beheaded body of the A-A
MIKE: -A.
> Robotnik were nowhere to be found.
> "Still alive," Davey swore out loud.
BOTS: Damn.
> "Damn you, Dad. Damn you to
> hell. Guess I can't be killed outright.
CROW: Crap.
> Too much bad karma, I guess.
> Wished it was *mine*, tho'."
TOM: So do we, Davey. So do we.
> He got up to start the long walk back to
> Knothole--
CROW: The *very* long walk to Knothole; I think it's something like 200 miles.
> he no longer regrets giving Antoine his hoverbike--not noticing
> the old grey fox nearby.
MIKE: [ old grey fox ] Where's my applesauce?
> "I heard. All on Knothole heard."
> No answer.
TOM: [ Davey ] Zark off.
> "David? We . . . We don't blame you for what your father did. It
> appears that he screwed us *all* over."
ALL: Ewwwww!!
> No answer.
> "Son . . . I don't know what to say to you.
MIKE: [ speaker ] You dumbhead!
> You just came here, and in
> a matter of weeks, you did what we were unable to do in over a decade. You
TOM: [ speaker ] Programmed our VCR!
> just successfully deroboticized someone--Sir Charles of all people--and he's
> going to live."
MIKE: [ speaker ] Unfortunately.
> Davey turned his head to the fatherly figure with red glowing eyes. He
> tossed the Power Rifle toward him. "You wanna shoot off a leg this time?"
CROW: [ chanting ] Do it! Do it!
> Bear looked as if Davey went up and slapped him dead in the face.
CROW: [ chanting ] Do it! Do it!
> "Young man, I don't know what hell hole mudball of a planet you and your
CROW: [ chanting ] Do it! Do it!
> father came from, but I hate to disappoint you; we do not thank our heros by
CROW: [ chanting ] Do it! Do it!
> lining them up against the wall and shooting them dead, no matter *what*
CROW: [ chanting ] Do it! Do it!
> their parents have done!"
CROW: D'oh!
> Davey gave him a very distrusting look, "I am
MIKE: Pork Boy, the breakfast monkey!
> very disapointed in you,"
TOM: [ Darth Vader ] Your lack of pants displeases me.
> then he turned around, and continued walking.
CROW: Off a short pier.
> As the solitary figure left the scene, a shadow of a robot monkey--it
> looked like
MIKE: Tom Arnold.
> Coconuts,
CROW: That seems dirty somehow.
> but the shadow looked bulkier somehow--
CROW: And I *know* *that's* dirty.
> rose from the
> far end of the rubble and aimed a plasma rifle at the figure.
CROW: [ chanting ] Do it! Do it!
> "No,"
CROW: D'oh!
> came a voice from behind, it sounded like Scratch's. "Not
> tonight. He's had enough for one day. We'll kill him next time."
CROW: Isn't that, I dunno, STUPID?!
MIKE, TOM: Yes.
CROW: Just checking.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Page 18
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> New blood joins this earth
> and quikly he's subdued
ALL: "Quikly"?!
MIKE: Sheesh.
TOM: This author would misspell "teh".
CROW: And "mispell".
> through constant pain disgrace
> the young boy learns their rules
MIKE: Oh, another song. Whoop-de-doo.
> with time the child draws in
> this whipping boy done wrong
TOM: So...
> deprived of all his thoughts
> the young man struggles on and on he's known
CROW: Yeah, good for the young man.
> a vow unto his own
> that never from this day
MIKE: Will anyone steal his peanut butter.
> his will they'll take away
TOM: It's my will! Gimme it!
> what I've felt
CROW: Madonna!
> what I've known
TOM: Nothing!
> never shined through in what I've shown
CROW: So what do we do now?
> never be
MIKE: I know! Let's sing the Tupperware Song!
TOM: [ singing ] Some folks use wax paper, some folks use the Reynolds
Wrap...
> never see
CROW: [ singing ] Some folks use the plastic baggie, to try to cover up the
gap...
> won't see what might have been
MIKE: [ singing ] You can use most anything, to keep your goodies from the
air...
> what I've felt
ALL: [ singing ] But nothing works as well as that good old Tupperware!
> what I've known
CROW: He's repeating himself.
> never shined through in what I've shown
CROW: He's repeating himself.
MIKE: Uh, Crow?
CROW: Aack! It's contagious!
> never free
> never me
MIKE: Never glee.
TOM: Never "ni".
CROW: Never pee.
> so I dub thee
TOM: Mud.
> unforgiven
> they dedicate their lives
CROW: To Muenster.
> to running all of his
MIKE: Well, how many lives does he have?
> he tries to please them all
CROW: The fool.
> this bitter man he is
CROW: The fool.
MIKE: Now don't start that again.
> throughout his life the same
TOM: He must live a very boring life.
> he's battled constantly
MIKE: He's trapped in an RPG!
> this fight he cannot win
MIKE: A rigged RPG!
> a tired man they see no longer cares
BOTS: Mike.
MIKE: Hey!
> the old man then prepares
> to die regretfully
CROW: Woo-hoo!
> that old man here is me
TOM: [ old man ] So bring me my soup!
> what I've felt
> what I've known
> never shined through in what I've shown
CROW: I wouldn't touch that line with a 29 and a half foot pole!
> never be
> never see
MIKE: Never gee.
TOM: Never Lee.
CROW: Never... uh, never "Z".
> won't see what might have been
> what I've felt
CROW: Suni?
MIKE, TOM: CROW!!
> what I've known
> never shined through in what I've shown
TOM: Forever, and ever, and ever, and ever...
> never free
> never me
TOM: Never knee.
CROW: Never fee.
MIKE: Deedle dee dee.
> so I dub the unforgiven
MIKE: [ singing ] Electric Barbarella!
> you labeled me
> I'll label you
TOM: Politically correct.
> so I dub the unforgiven
CROW: Wouldn't subtitles work just as well?
>
> The rainstorm that accompanied Davey back to Knothole matches the
TOM: I'm gonna hurl. I'm *going* to *hurl*.
> bleakness in Davey's heart.
MIKE: When you open your heart...
ALL: It hurts!
> His head hung low, he dragged his tail, and his
> feet as he stepped.
CROW: His feet as he stepped WHAT?!
> The water that hit him was allowed to just flow down
> anywhere,
ALL: Ewwww!
> soaking the fur, making it stink.
TOM: Oh, that's just the fanfic.
> Or, maybe it was raining because the Floating Island was passing
> overhead, and the water was actually coming from a river that fell off the
> edge.
ALL: Wah-wah-waaaahhh...
> At the ledge, a lone red enchida
MIKE: I'm hungry.
CROW: Well, how about an enchilada?
MIKE: Yeah!
> looks down to the Forest and sees
CROW: It for the trees.
> the lonely fox. "Bummer,"
TOM: Whoa, like totally, that bums me out or like some junk.
> the enchida said to himself, "you poor devil . .
CROW: Half right.
TOM: [ chuckles ]
> . may Destiny have mercy on you, bub."
MIKE: Oh, a wise guy, eh? Pick two fingers.
TOM: Woop woop woopwoopwoop!
> There were others there; the eyes of all of Mobius were upon this fox.
CROW: He just thinks he's the center of attention.
TOM: Even the eyes of the people on the other side of the planet?
MIKE: I didn't know Mobius had eyes.
> He imagined the entire populace gathered on both sides, in gnauletfashion,
TOM: What's a gnauletfashion?
CROW: "Gnaulet"? Hm. Probably it's "gauntlet".
> watching him as he passed them by; all of them knowing who he is, all of
> them knowing that he's the son of
TOM: Bob Dole!
MIKE, CROW: <gasp>
> the man who caused all this pain and
> suffering.
> The mere thought of it made the fox strike his chest;
MIKE: [ thumps chest ]
> the sign of being
> struck dead. All his life, he was forced to
CROW: Watch terrible movies!
MIKE: Some people watch movies willingly, you know.
CROW: Weirdos.
> answer, unjustly, for the
> atrocities some of his ancestors have done, evil deeds that were buried in
TOM: A section of land near Washington, DC?
> centuries of history, evil deeds that are too eagerly dug up by resentful
> minorities and shoved in his face,
TOM: Like chunks of a rotting corpse.
MIKE: Eww!
CROW: Y'know, he's complaining about minorities, but he's in a world of many-
species anthropomorphs in which *everyone* is a minority!
MIKE, TOM: [ think about this for a moment and burst into laughter ]
> as if he himself had done those same
> acts.
CROW: So, was Davey scared by a minority when he was young?
MIKE: Crow!
> He took the first chance he could get to get away from that unfair
> circumstance by coming to this planet, and now, God help this poor white
MIKE: Rich American.
CROW: Poor and rich?
MIKE: Oops.
> soul, it was all laid directly on his shoulders, because the distance of
> time between the atrocities and himself was cut from 400 years to just a few
> months.
CROW: Geez, Davey really has issues!
MIKE: Maybe you were right.
> It was all too much to bear.
TOM: Isn't that that fox character with the weird name?
MIKE: [ slightly patronizing ] No, this's just a verb, Tom.
> When he could no longer take another step in the now muddied path, his
> knees buckled, sank into the mud.
ALL: [ splatting ]
> the rest of the body followed in kind, as
> he lied prostrate
CROW: Ewww!
> under a willow tree, hid his face in his arms, and sobbed.
ALL: [ little baby ] Waaaaahh!!
> The search party found him lying there, dead-like, under the willow.
CROW: No, I most certainly will NOT low!
> Sonia rushed up to him and laid over the crying boyfriend. "Oh, Dear Bright
TOM: [ Sonia/Suni ] Starlight Pony Princess.
> Lady Above. Destiny have mercy on all our souls. . . " She pulls him out
> of the mud he was sinking in.
MIKE: Just before he submerges.
BOTS: Crap.
> "It's okay . . . s'okay . . . " She embraces
> this lost soul and
TOM: Oh no.
CROW: Oh, please--
> slurps at his tears, like he has done to her earlier.
BOTS: Ewwww!
> "I
> still love you. I still love you sooooo much. . . "
CROW: God knows why.
> The Princess was only a shadow in the shadows when she softly said,
> "C'mon, let's take you home."
CROW: Noo, not back to Earth!
> Real eyes were watching him this time, knowing who he is,
MIKE: David Finsterbocker.
> and who his
> father is,
CROW: Bob Finsterbocker.
> and they were all following him as he continued his long walk
> home.
TOM: Kinda like crazy old Uncle Ralph Finsterbocker.
> However, there was something the lonely fox failed to notice: These
> eyes were not filled with anger, or revenge, but
TOM: Amanda Hugginkiss.
> sorrow. Some of them even
> had tears.
ALL: <ri-i-ip>
> But none of them spoke a word.
TOM: [ random Mobian ] Word.
MIKE, CROW: [ random Mobians ] Ssshhhhh!
> Nor did they spoke when the fox arrived at Knothole, in the blackness
> of night, with only a bonfire as light and heat.
CROW: Like the intro to Dungeon Keeper!
TOM: Any minute now his head's gonna get chopped off.
> All activity and sound
> stopped suddenly
TOM: Screeeee--
MIKE: Crash!
> as he entered, all eyes turned to him as they followed him
> across the village, toward his hut, and through the door. Nothing resumed
> for a few long seconds after the door was closed behind him.
CROW: [ crickets calling ]
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Page 19
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
MIKE: Just this and one more, according to Crow.
>
> He stayed in his hut for about a week afterward, alternating between
> tears and dreamless sleep. Sonia stayed by his bedside constantly,
TOM: This is just an "Altered Destiny" rehash!
> comforting him, stroking his warm orange fur. She told him how his father,
> Julian Kintobor, came to this world, and his change into Robotnik:
CROW: And how the heck would she know?!
>
> "Your father, Dr. Julian David Kintobor, and his
> wife, Astillia Jalisca Kintobor,
ALL: [ snicker ]
> split up in your
> world. He was crushed, broken hearted,
CROW: Squished...
TOM: Squashed...
MIKE: Squished and squashed and trampled...
> and felt sorry
> for his young son--you, David Jim
TOM: Varney.
> Kintobor. He found
> the Void . . . and Mobius. He served as a bright,
> thin,
BOTS: Thin?!
> red-headed Second Guard in the Great War, second
> to
TOM: Phil Hart.
> my father, High Commander Wallace Hedgehog.
MIKE: What about Gromit?
> He lost
> *his* left arm in
CROW: A Dairy Queen.
> battle, which was replaced by Uncle
MIKE: Fester!
> Chuck as he was beta testing the original Roboticizer.
> Yet, unlike you,
CROW: He could write a fanfic.
> he vowed revenge on all animals for
> his left arm. He took his nephew, Sir Regenald Snout,
ALL: [ snort ]
> and devised a plan to get even with the state and rule
> Mobius. While beta testing
CROW: The new version of AOL?
> one of his machines, which
> collects the darker sides of Nature's delicate balance,
TOM: You wouldn't *believe* how hard it is for bears to balance their check
accounts.
> it exploded, transforming your father and his nephew
> into the present-day
MIKE: [ announcer voice ] Batman and Robin.
> Dr. Ivo Robotnik and Snivley."
MIKE: Close enough.
>
> The others trickled in and out,
TOM: Don't they have a doctor in Knothole?
CROW: Now that's a "dishonorable discharge".
MIKE: CROW!!
> one by one, throughout this time.
TOM: [ singing ] We three Mobians traveled so far...
CROW: [ singing ] How we wish that we had a car..
MIKE: [ singing ] Westward leading, still proceeding, I don't know what the
other words are...
> Sally came in first, while Davey was asleep. She hung a medallion over his
> head and placed the metal
CROW: [ quickly ] Medal.
> in his paw. "The first of many, I hope," she
> said as she kissed him.
> Antoine came in next after a long while.
CROW: What's a while?
MIKE: That must be a new species.
TOM: Yeah, "loadicus ofcrapia".
> "Misu
CROW: [ quickly ] Monsieur.
> Crockett? Bonjour. I
> just want to give you some theengz."
TOM: Gesundheit.
> He laid down some mementos
MIKE: Not "momentos"!
ALL: Hallelujah!
> on Davey's
> dresser: A picture here, a pocket watch there, some metals
CROW: [ quickly ] Medals.
> housed in a
TOM: Pistol case.
> display. "Your fathair meant theez for you.
MIKE: Y'know, whenever he talks, I think "Hoek".
> He also left thiz behind. It
> waz hiz uniform before <sniff> he became ze evil Robitnik.
ALL: [ snicker ]
CROW: Yeah, he bit the big nik!
> For zis <sigh>
> we are all sorry, my friend."
TOM: [ Antoine ] For zis fanfic, we are all very sorry.
> Antoine draped the old Acorn uniform over Davey's body, like a blanket,
> and he saluted as he left.
MIKE: He saluted the drapes.
CROW: Needs glasses.
> Uncle Chuck showed up as soon as he was able, once he got from the bed
> to the wheelchair left over from when Mighty was crippled trying to rescue
> Vixie.
TOM: In that other fanfic we never mentioned before and will never mention
again.
> The fox who meant so much in so little time
CROW: I'm really gonna heave.
MIKE: Sure, Crow.
CROW: I mean it this time.
MIKE: Right, Crow.
> was awake when he
> arrived. Sonic was with them too, who saw the picture.
TOM: [ Sonic ] Who's the horse?
> "Hey, who's this
> skinny guy with the red hair next to you, Chuck? Looks like he skipped his
> dinner."
> "That, Nephew, is Julian Kintobor, . . . as he once was."
MIKE: Before the Quickening.
> "Robotnik? No way?"
> "Yeah, we were best buds, him, Wallace, and
CROW: Feathers McGraw.
> me. We did *everything*
> together. Here David, I stored every home movie I have on your father in
MIKE: [ Charles/Chuck ] My lucky Zip disk.
> this holocube." He hands Davey something that looks like a painted-over
> Rubic's
CROW: [ quickly ] Rubix.
TOM: No, it's Rubik's.
> Cube. Davey found the play button.
MIKE: [ Davey ] Oh, here it--no, that's--wait, is this--no, that's not it,
what about--darn it!
> A young thin red-haired Julian sat with two hedgehogs--Wallace and
ALL: Gromit!
TOM: That's what this fanfic needs! A penguin evildoer!
> Charles--for a beer
CROW: [ Beavis ] Heh-heh-heh, booze! Heh-heh-heh...
> during some idle time. "You know," the young thin red
> haired
TOM: [ singing ] Flying purple people eater!
> Julian said, "maybe I *should* bring my son here. He'd love this
> planet. . . "
> Davey was awestruck
ALL: Awwwwww...
> when he heard that voice. Last time he did, he was
> in that man's arms, as an infant. "Daddy. . . "
TOM: Shut up and bring me a beer!
> ". . . good land, good trees, and a good life.
CROW: Nonono, this is Mobius. It's "the Great Land, the Great Trees, and the
Great Life".
> I love this planet, and
> I don't think I'll do anything to change it."
CROW: [ Julian ] Guwuhahahahaha!!
> The young thin red-haired
TOM: Shouldn't that have commas?
MIKE: Let's see... red-haired thin young... yes, it should.
> Julian and the two hedgehogs lifted up their
> steins--
CROW: [ Ben Stein ] Red eyes? No problem, dude.
TOM: [ Ben Stein ] Win my--Ben Stein's--money!
> Julian's was one of the trinkets--for a toast: "Here Here! For a
> peaceful Mobius!!"
BOTS: To a clean toilet!
MIKE: Where do you get this stuff?
> More tears well up in Davey's eyes. He missed his father so.
TOM: [ Slappy Squirrel ] Thank you, Mr. Unwanted Information.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
CROW: Davey's IQ score: so low, they needed 76 minus signs to show it.
>
> Davey finally had a dream during the last night of his 'mourning.' He
MIKE: Spaz attacked!
> fell asleep in Sonia's arms while cradling the holocube.
TOM: [ Davey ] Oh, holocube...
MIKE: Tom!
> In his dream, he
> was human again,
CROW: [ ducks down, comes back up minus the fox outline ] Whoa!
MIKE: Hm?
CROW: I just dreamt I was a robot again, and now look!
MIKE: Mm-hmm.
> and he was with a tall dark-skinned, silver-haired woman,
TOM: Something tells me Davey just got a 2 for the price of 1 adjective deal.
> who reminded him of Haven,
CROW: Quoth the Haven: "Eat my shorts!"
> a character from the comic book, X-Factor.
>
> "Your father went his own way, David Kintobor.
MIKE: Westward ho!
> Maybe he just wanted a
> place where he could be the master of the house. Fortunately, you will not
> share his destiny. I should know, that's my name."
ALL: [ Destiny ] Don't wear it out.
> "So you're this Destiny deity I keep hearing about here on Mobius."
> "You didn't expect a goddess, child?"
CROW: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
> "I did expect that.
CROW: But I just said nobody does!
> Picked that part up from prayers to you. I didn't
> expect you to look like a comic book character I know, tho'"
TOM: Shorthand typing. Where've we seen that before?
MIKE: Better to ask where we *haven't*.
> "I'm using images in your memory so I can be able to communicate to you
> easily. Rhadna Dastoor's [From the universe of your mentioned comic book]
ALL: As if we care.
> form suits me to a 'T'. Besides, the writer of this story wanted as least
> one good character who's a diffrent ethnicity than w--"
MIKE: Y'know, it's funny. All this fuss about how black people are
discriminating against whites, and they've singled out Davey for some
reason, and this is the first black person in the entire story.
TOM: Hm.
CROW: True.
> "Why, your majesty," a voice--Davey's voice--came from down a street,
> in a Mobotropolis in repair. "It's nice to see that your aim has improved."
> "My aim, Crockett?" King Acorn said--*King Acorn!*
ALL: Waugh!
CROW: Don't scream!
> "Tell me, where on
> Mobius did The Void spit you out in?"
TOM: On... in...
> "A few blocks down from here . . . up to my neck in Swats." This Davey
> was dressed up in his father's uniform.
MIKE: A shiny pink frilled tutu!
> ". . . oops . . . "
CROW: [ King Acorn ] I meant to drop you off in Robotnik's HQ.
> "Buuuut,
TOM: [ Butthead ] Uh-huh-huh-huh, he said "butt". Huh-huh-huh.
> Sally was in there too, so I'd say that your aim was pretty
> well on."
> Acorn laughs. "Very well, my friend. So, where's my daughter now?"
TOM: [ Davey ] Jail.
> "Over in that chapel, as the first maid in my wedding."
> David looked to Destiny. "My wedding?"
> "To Sonia."
CROW: Aarckh!
MIKE: What?
CROW: Yuck.
MIKE: Oh.
> "Ma'am, I must know. . . will be, or could be?"
CROW: Hopefully won't be.
> "Might be.
MIKE: [ Davey ] Now, that's not one of the choices I gave you.
> Future telling's a hit-or-miss business, even to goddesses.
TOM: [ Destiny ] Even though I'm perfect in every way.
> What you see around you are several time lines combined in one composite.
CROW: I am getting more and more convinced that Davey has read "Altered
Destiny".
MIKE: Yeah, the unMSTed version.
> <She points around> Here's one where you married earlier, and have two
> wonderful children,
ALL: Nooo!
> a fox boy and a hedgehog girl. . . and here, where you
> had to assume the role as Mobius' king
ALL: Nooooo!
> when The Royal House of Acorn fell
> during the climatic battle with Robotnik. There are even futures where you
> are not alive in here,
ALL: Yeaaah!
> but are immortalized in stone.
ALL: D'oh!
> However, all of these
> separate time lines have one thing in common:
TOM: Snausages!
> As on undoing what his father
> has done, not because of shame or guilt, as on Earth, but for the mutual
> affection and comradeship of his fellow Mobians.
MIKE: That made nearly no sense.
CROW: I concur.
> That is your destiny,
> David Kintobor."
TOM: Believe It Or Not!
> "Fellow Mobians? But do I get back to Earth in any of--Destiny? Wait,
> where ya' going?"
CROW: [ Destiny ] Away.
> "I'm not
MIKE: [ Destiny ] Destiny, but I play her on TV.
> going anywhere, child--David--
MIKE: [ singing softly ] Are you sleeping...
CROW: [ singing softly ] Are you sleeping...
> You are. Someone's waking-
> Daaavid--
MIKE: [ singing softly ] David K...
CROW: [ singing softly ] David K...
> you up for something--Daviddd--
MIKE: [ singing softly ] Something something something...
CROW: [ singing softly ] Something something something...
> Don't worry, We'll meet again. . .-
> *David?*"
MIKE: [ singing softly ] Ding ding dong...
CROW: [ singing softly ] Ding ding dong...
> Davey opened his eyes to find that the holocube was calling him. A
TOM: Yeah, right!
> yellow square was blinking. He pushes it, and hears his father's voice:
TOM: [ Robotnik/Julian ] Stop whining, ya wuss.
>
> "David, son, if you're hearing this,
MIKE: [ Robotnik/Julian ] Everything you know is wrong.
> then a lot of
> stuff has definetly
CROW: [ quickly ] Definitely.
> gone wrong. Mobius would be
> plunged into utter darkness, no doubt by
TOM: The CDA.
> me, and you
> are probably asked to clean up my mess.
MIKE: Pooper-Scooper time!
> I would just
> love to say that I didn't mean it, but by now I've
CROW: [ Robotnik/Julian ] Called out a contract on your life.
> probably become that evil bastard
CROW: Oh my god! They killed Kenny!
> you would want to see
> dead
TOM: Yep.
> and I don't want to come to you as a liar.
MIKE: [ Robotnik/Julian ] I want to come to you as Sharon Stone.
> At the
> time I'm putting this down,
MIKE: Hitler is still in power.
TOM: Stonehenge was just discovered.
CROW: Easter Island: under construction.
> I've got my replacement
> arm, and I'm
CROW: [ Robotnik/Julian ] Raul Julia in disguise!
> increasingly becoming more resentful about
> it. I don't know
TOM: [ Robotnik/Julian ] How to multiply decimals.
> . . . how much longer
MIKE: [ Robotnik/Julian ] I need to cook my chicken.
> . . . I can
> hold out.
> I don't think, by the time you're hearing this,
CROW: The author will have improved any.
> you can do anything to save me . . . only to
TOM: [ Robotnik/Julian ] Finish my chicken for me.
> avenge me.
CROW: [ Robotnik/Julian ] Against the chicken-haters of the world.
> When this . . . evil . . . Robotnik . . . finally takes
MIKE: Leave of his senses.
TOM: Leave of Davey's senses!
> over my soul, I will cease to be the good man you know
> as . . .
CROW: [ Robotnik/Julian ] Frere Jacques.
> your father. But, there is a way I can still
MIKE: [ nature documentary ] Pass my genes on to the next generation.
> do something . . . for your sake.
CROW: Please say it's a mercy killing!
> <The cube unfolded
> into a pocket computer, much like Nicole was before she
> got a body.>
TOM: In that one fanfic you'll never see.
> I've managed to backup what's left of my
> good side into this computer,
CROW: Aaaaaaaaaaaargh!!
MIKE: What?!
CROW: This is one of the worst plot contrivances yet!! He's copied his brain
into a computer?
TOM: Yeah! And it's been done before! He had that same plot contrivance in
"Sonic: The Mobius Chronicles"!
CROW: Every one of his stories is just the same thing, over and over,
repeating the one plot he knows how to spell!
> along with everything I
> could glean from . . .
MIKE: My pet guppy.
CROW: Get thee gone, incompetent!
> my bad side . . . I sincerely
> hope that this will aid you in your quest.
> Oh, God
CROW: Yes?
MIKE: Crow, you are not God.
CROW: Tell that to my worshippers.
TOM: What worshippers?!
> . . . Please give me . . . the time . . .
TOM: 8:21 PM.
> <by now, Julian's voice sounds very
CROW: Strangled! Please say strangled!
> struggled>
CROW: Dang.
> . . . I
> don't want you to remember me . . .
MIKE: Don't worry; we didn't plan to.
> as the man I will .
TOM: Kill!
> . . become . . . in just a few short . . . seconds . .
CROW: 8 seconds...
> . I want . . . you . . . my son . . .
MIKE: Luke...
> to remember me .
CROW: 7...
> . . Iv--Julian
MIKE, TOM: Gesundheit.
> . . . Rob--Kintobor . . . as the man
CROW: 6...
> that was . . . nev-*was before*
TOM: What is the point of this little scene?
MIKE: I cannot answer that.
> . . . son, I don't know
CROW: 5...
> . . . what pit in Hell . . . I'm going into
TOM: Probably number three.
MIKE: Which one is that?
TOM: I have *no* idea.
> . . . but I
CROW: 4...
> want you to . . . forg-remember . . .
CROW: 3...
> . . . <a small faraway whisper, almost only a
CROW: 2...
> thought> . . . I love you, my son . . . al . . . ways .
CROW: 1...
> . . <The file ends>"
CROW: Zero!
> "Ohmygod. Sonia. He must've become Robotnik at that exact second.
MIKE: Hey, excellent timing, Crow!
CROW: Thank you.
> And his last cleart hought
MIKE: Could you be a little clearter?
CROW: I hought I was!
> . . . was for me. . ."
TOM: [ Davey ] And he wrapped it up in a gift package! How sweet!
> IT WAS.
CROW: The Was.
TOM: [ singing ] And she was!
> It was the computer again, this time in a clear
CROW: Shotglass.
> ,
CROW: Oh, there's a comma.
> if computer generated,
> voice. HELLO, DAVID.
ALL: Noooo!
MIKE: Stop shouting!
> I'M JULIAN. I'M YOUR POCKET COMPUTER WILLED TO YOU BY
CROW: We're going deaf!
> YOUR DAD, JUST BEFORE HE BECAME THE EVIL DOCTOR ROBOTNIK YOU KNOW TODAY.
TOM: I can't hear myself think!
CROW: I can't hear you think either!
TOM: You're not supposed to.
CROW: Oh yeah.
> "I know that, er, Julian, but why?"
CROW: [ Julian ] The author's running low on contrivances, so he's reusing me.
> "Maybe he wanted to be with you," Sonia answered, "as his last words
> said."
> THAT IS CORRECT, BUT I SERVE A HIGHER PURPOSE.
MIKE: The CDA.
> YOU SEE, SON, MOBIUS IS
TOM: Ill-conceived and unwanted.
> A BIG PLACE, MUCH LIKE EARTH,
CROW: And according to StH:TMC, it *is* Earth.
TOM: That's another thing. Each of Davey's stories contradict the last.
> AND THERE IS AN AWFUL LOT OF IT YOU DON'T KNOW
> ABOUT,
CROW: If he only knew how right he is.
> MUCH LESS AWARE OF IT'S EXISTENCE.
MIKE: And what the *hell* is that supposed to mean?
> YOU ARE GOING TO NEED A GUIDE TO
TOM: The galaxy.
> SHOW YOU WHERE EVERYTHING'S AT.
CROW: [ spaced-out ] Like, that's where it's at, dude.
> LIKE NICOLE WAS TO PRINCESS SALLY, I WILL
> BE YOUR GUIDE THROUGH THIS WORLD OF MOBIUS. I CAN BE ATTACHED TO YOUR ARM;
MIKE: Like the South American leech.
> JUST SNAP ME ON TOP OF YOUR CONTROL PANEL.
> "Very well," Davey said as he snapped his new add-on in place, "looks
> like you've got the job. Welcome aboard . . .
BOTS: [ singing ] A three-hour tour... A three-hour tour...
> Dad."
>
[ Commercials ensue. ]
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of part 7 of 9
Shay Caron (Shay_...@letterbox.com
-or-
glee...@aol.com)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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