MSTed: Better the Devil You Know (2/8)
T-Bone
TOM: Well, here we go again.
>From: paul.h...@shbbs.demon.co.uk (Paul Hubbard)
>Subject: Better The Devil You Know 1
CROW: Boy, it's the *really* Satanic Verses.
>X-Mail-Agent: GIGO unreg at shbbs vsn 0.99 pl1 - G2K v1.01
TOM (singing): It was business as usual in police room 619.
KATE: What?
TOM: GIGO
KATE: Oh, that's BAD.
>Organization: Silicon Heaven BBS (2200-0630 UTC) (44-1626-834331) V32B
KATE: But there *is* no Silicon Heaven!
CROW: Preposterous!
TOM: Where do all the calculators go?
>Date: Wed, 10 Aug 1994 23:40:58 +0000
>Message-ID: <b42_940...@shbbs.demon.co.uk>
>Sender: use...@demon.co.uk
>Lines: 66
>
>From: ph...@shbbs.demon.co.uk (Paul Hubbard)
CROW: Your parents must be so proud.
>
>
>Better the Devil you know.
KATE: Gilbert O. Sullivan?
TOM: Lou Holtz?
CROW: Bob Packwood?
KATE: No, I know him.
CROW: Oh, I'm sorry.
>
>By P.D Hubbard.
KATE: What's the name of this again?
TOM: Better the Devil You Know.
KATE: And who wrote it?
CROW: P. D. Hubbard.
KATE: *The* P. D. Hubbard?
CROW: No, *a* P. D. Hubbard.
>
>
>Prologue:
KATE: ... and anti-owl.
CROW and TOM: What?
KATE: I'm from Oregon.
CROW and TOM: Ooohh...
>
>Anna O'Halloran
CROW: Suspected bomber for the ULA, escaped today from Long Kesh ...
TOM: Oh, could we PLEASE perpetuate more negative stereotypes.
>stood beside the rail peering out over the sea.
TOM: Listen, you flightless fowl, quit looking at the water and pay attention
to me!
>It was a warm afternoon, not a cloud in the sky.
KATE: Wait a minute! The ULA doesn't exist, they were in that Tom Clancy book
_Patriot Games_!
TOM: Hey, that's right!
CROW: But that was the point.
TOM: Oh.
KATE: Sorry.
>Quite nice for
>the time of year, she thought.
CROW: I'll accept your apology, if you include a hug.
[Kate hugs Crow, who sighs.]
TOM: Hey, people, we have a job to do.
>Taking the holiday to get away
>from it all was a stroke of genius.
TOM: Well, a stroke, anyway.
>A few days in the southern
>states, enjoying New Orleans.
KATE (singing): Oh, we goin' ta' New Aw-leans,
We gonna go see the Mardis Gras.
[Tom does the whistling bit.]
CROW: Uh, Kate, promise me you won't sing again?
KATE: Even if I wear those flannel boxers?
CROW: Oh, well, in that case, sing away!
TOM: What?
>Then a tour of the gambling dens
>of Cuba, winning a little, losing a lot.
CROW (flasetto): At least I got to keep Castro's beard from that game of
strip poker.
>Now, finally, the last
>leg of her trip.
TOM: Then some sentence fragments reminiscent of old _Miami Vice_ scripts.
>If she had told her friends that she was coming
>home on a fifth rate tramp steamer,
KATE: Shouldn't that be "homeless steamer"?
TOM: Oh, who cares?
>they would have called her
>all the fools under the stars.
CROW (taunting): Heidi Fleiss! Heidi Fleiss!
>However, getting away from it all
TOM: And all the other cliches
>was the idea and staying clear of the usual tourist haunts,
>seeing things that others would not see.
KATE: Poverty
CROW: Crime
TOM: Disease
>A good idea all round.
CROW: On paper, anyway.
>
>Some sort of commotion broke the spell.
KATE: Alright, who broke the spell?
TOM and CROW: Not me!
>Looking up, Anna noticed
>the observer in the crows nest
CROW: Hey, get outta my room!
>shouting to the bridge,
TOM (shouting): I bid three spades!
>pointing
>to something not visible from this side of the ship.
KATE: The OTHER side of the ship.
>'Probably
>a Whale' she mused to herself.
TOM (sarcastically): Oh, thank you, Ishmael!
>The shouting got shriller.
CROW: And it was not pleasing.
>Finally, Anna decided to go and have a look,
KATE: Hey, it's a peep show tent from a county fair!
CROW: How do you know about those?
KATE: Well, see, I had to work my way through college, ...
>after all, most of
>the ships crew were over the other side of the ship looking.
TOM: Some people run to the other side! We're capsizing!
[Tom, Kate, and Crow lean to the left in unison.]
>Pushing her way to the front of the crowd,
CROW: Move it, stand aside, main character coming through ...
>she finally got a look
>at what was causing all the fuss.
KATE: Oh no!! What's Tom Arnold doing with those Sargasso eels?!
>
>Up on the bridge,
TOM: Yes, it's The Drifters singing their salute to dental work.
>the crew could not believe their eyes.
CROW: Though their elbows were quite trustworthy.
>Some
>sort of a tunnel had opened in thin air, directly in front of the
>ship.
KATE: Hey, are Martin Sheen and Kirk Douglas on this ship?
>Zig zagging had no effect,
TOM: So she bought them pre-rolled.
>it was almost as if the ship
>and the phenomenon were magnetically linked.
CROW: How much *do* you know about electromagnetism, Trek-boy?
>The hole grew
>bigger,
KATE: Not a word, Crow!
TOM: Heh heh.
CROW: I wasn't going to say anything!
>looking more ominous by the minute.
TOM: And more stunning by the fireplace.
>Lightning bolts
>seemed to whirl about inside the opening.
[Kate giggles.]
CROW: You thinking what I'm thinking?
KATE: Yep.
TOM: What? What?
KATE and CROW: Nothing.
>Someone ordered
TOM: ExTRa cRaZY BreAd.
>full
>astern, the ships screws biting into the water,
KATE: And into the cheesecake.
CROW and TOM: Mmmmmmmmm.
>trying to claw
>her away from the gaping hole, but to no avail.
TOM (Deep, NFL-Films voice): But for Anna O'Halloran and the Baltimore Colts,
there would come another day.
>The water was
>dead calm, where was the horizon?
CROW: Uh, towards the North? Or South? Or ...
KATE: Okay ...
>A call came up from the engine
>room.
KATE: ... saying fellas it's too rough to feed ya.
>The boilers were at bursting point,
TOM: They just HAD to tell someone!
>they were loosing the
>fight.
CROW: Hey, keep that fight tied up! We don't want it loose on the deck!
>The ship started to slip towards the hole.
KATE: Yes, it's Eroto-Suggestion Playhouse.
TOM: I feel all funny inside.
>
>Down on the deck, the crew started to drop.
CROW: Gimme twenty, Maggots!
>Anna's lungs ripped
>at her throat,
KATE: Die, Anna, die!
>trying to claw the rapidly diminishing oxygen.
CROW: By this time, m...
TOM: >AHEM<!
KATE: I love it when he does that line; let him finish.
CROW: No, the moment has passed.
KATE (slapping Tom's side): Way to go, weener.
TOM (blubbering): I didn't mean to!
KATE: Oh ...
[Kate hugs Tom.]
>The air was being sucked into the hole with a whirling shriek.
KATE: Feel better?
TOM: Yes. *sniff*
>With her last spark of consciousness, dark fingers blurring her
>sight,
CROW: Does this bug you? I'm not touching you. Does this bug you?
>she saw the front to the ship enter the hole.
TOM (Barry White voice): Oh baby.
>
>The SS Cotopaxi slowly slid into the hole.
TOM (Barry White voice): When we make love, baby.
KATE: Enough.
>It almost looked like
>she was entering a brick wall,
CROW: But without the bricks.
>section by section disappearing
>from sight.
KATE: Just like ...
ALL: Niagara Falls!
KATE: Slowly I turned.
>Finally, as the rear mast entered, the hole closed
>down upon itself.
TOM: You kids quit slamming that interdimensional hole when you run in and
out!
>Nothing was left, just the blue sky and placid
>sea.
KATE: And a bad fanfic which would live in infamy.
>A week would pass,
TOM: Oh, that's gotta hurt! I can't even swallow an HOUR!
>the ship would be posted as overdue,
CROW: So the quartermaster decided to induce labor.
KATE: And the ship had a bouncing baby dinghy!
CROW: Oh, it was a boy!
TOM: Wh--? Oh, PLEASE!
>then finally missing without trace.
[Kate and Tom look at Crow.]
CROW: What?
TOM: Nothing.
>Nothing would be seen of her
>again
ALL: Hooray!
>.....or so people thought.
ALL: Boo!
>
>
>
TOM: We gotta go.
[They exit.]
>
>
>
>
>~~~ Blue Wave/RA v2.12 [NR]
>--
>| Standard disclaimer: The views of this user are strictly his own.
[Door sequence. Gypsy and Kate are talking as Crow enters.]
GYPSY: Thanks for the Phranc tapes, Kate. I'll get the Ma Rainey cds back to
you in a bit. [Exits]
CROW: Say, Kate?
KATE: Hm?
CROW: I have a question, but it's kinda weird.
KATE: Look, after all the time I've spent on the newsgroups and working for
the government, nothing can surprise me. Ask away.
CROW: Do you think Tom's cute?
KATE (obviously not expecting THAT question, but trying to be nonchalant
about it): Uh, well, Crow, Tom's a nice guy, ... I don't know if he's
really your type, but ...
CROW: Now wait just a minute here, Kate! That is NOT what I was looking for.
What I meant was, what do you think of Tom?
KATE: Oh, well, he's really cute. He's nice enough, I guess. Confused, but
nice. He goes overboard when he wants my attention, though. I wish he'd
quit playing those show tune albums so loudly. He also smells kinda funny,
like ... well, it's hard to describe. But why do you ask?
CROW: Well, I was thinking of asking Gypsy out, and I was wondering if you
think I would get much competition from Tom.
KATE: Crow, it's not about competing. It's about just being yourself. If she
likes you in that sense, she'll let you know. If she doesn't, then don't
worry about it. Look, just be nice to Gypsy, treat her with the kindness
and respect she deserves. Be yourself. I know she likes you as a friend,
and if she likes you as more than a friend, you'll know.
CROW: And if she doesn't?
KATE: Then she doesn't. In spite of popular opinion, you can't really make
people into something they aren't.
CROW: But we're robots, not people.
KATE: Look, you guys have free will and your own personalities. That alone
puts you higher on the evolutionary scale than marketing executives and
Wheel of Fortune fans.
CROW: I see your point. Uh, just one problem.
KATE: What's that?
CROW: Well, I was going to ask Gypsy out, right? and treat her all nice and
stuff like you said? But I want to do it right and not screw things up
like I did with that whole Timmy thing? So, like, I thought I'd read some
info about it and watch some videos that might help, right? But the only
book I could find was _Clan of the Cave Bear_, and the only videos I could
get were _Adventures in Babysitting_ and _What To Do on a Date_.
KATE: Uh, well, I think you need better resources than that.
CROW: Any suggestions?
KATE: What were you thinking of doing?
CROW: Well, since Joel left, no one has really treated Gypsy all too well. So
I thought maybe she would appreciate a romantic date.
[Servo pops into our view in front of the counter, but Kate and Crow can't
see him. From his reactions, he is obviously spying and getting jealous.]
KATE: That's sweet, Crow. I think a romantic date would be perfect. What did
you have in mind?
CROW: I was thinking about a candlelight ramchip dinner, maybe WD-40 drinks
and dancing, followed by a moonlight stroll and watching the stars through
the hexfield viewscreen.
KATE: That sounds perfect. You really are a sweetie, you know.
[Servo begins to shake a bit, then calms down.]
CROW: Uh, there's just one problem
KATE: What's that?
CROW: I don't know how to dance.
KATE: Oh, come here, I'll show you. It's easy. Cambot, could you put in that
Mel Torme cd of Tom's?
[Kate and Crow face each other, ready to dance. The strains of "I've Got You
Under My Skin" begin in the background. Servo starts to shake in anger, his
anger increasing as Kate and Crow laugh and dance.]
KATE: Okay. And one and two and three and four ...
CROW: Hey, this is actually kinda fun.
KATE: Yeah, and three and four. And one and two ... Ow!
CROW: Sorry!
KATE: That's okay, everyone does that when they learn. Just concentrate ...
and four and five and six and seven and DIP. [Kate dips Crow.]
CROW: Weaeh.
[Servo is starting to get really mad now.]
CROW: Hey, can I try that?
KATE: Sure, just wait for it to come around again.
CROW: ... three and four and five and six and seven and DIP. [Crow dips
Kate.]
KATE: WAH!
[Crow and Kate start to laugh and giggle as they resume dancing. Tom can't
stand it anymore and jumps up.]
TOM: A-HA! CAUGHT YOU!!!
CROW: What?
TOM: YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD GET AWAY WITH THIS ... THIS ... *DIPPING*!!
CROW: Servo, ...
TOM: AFTER ALL WE'VE MEANT TO EACH OTHER HOW COULD YOU?
KATE: Look, Tom, I was just ...
TOM: Don't YOU start! YOU HUSSY! Everything was fine between us until YOU
came along!
KATE: What?
TOM: Yes, Crow and I had something special, but NOoooooo, he has to leave me
and see some WOMAN!
CROW: Tom, what the Sam Hill are you talking about?
TOM (beginning to lose control): Couldn't you see that I loved you, Crow???
CROW: You're nuts! Kate, he's nuts.
KATE: Look, Tom, I was just teaching Crow how to dance so when he and Gypsy
go on a date, ...
TOM: GYPSY TOO!?!?!? That does it, Crow! I'm throwing your things out the
air-lock and I never want to see you again! I'm going home to Mother!
[Tom leaves in a huff and a hurry. Lights for commercial sign begin to flash.
Kate and Crow are standing there stunned.]
CROW: Did this just take a really weird turn?
KATE: Yeah, I ... think so.
CROW: Good, I thought I needed rebooting.
[Kate hits the button.]
Actual Commercial that we swear is not being made up: Oliver North, found
guilty of breaking Constitutional law and lying to the Senate, is running
for Senate in Virginia. Actual quote: "Congress is out of control." Well,
Ollie, you would be the expert on government officials being outta
control.
MSTed by Richard Burton (T-Bone; bur...@lobster.gsfc.nasa.gov) and
by Kate Wrightson (kwri...@moe.coe.uga.edu)
Disclaimer: MST3K and related situations/characters/settings/scenarios are
the property of Best Brains; they had nothing to do with our writing this.
This MSTing was done for the sole purpose of entertainment and is not
meant to be a personal attack on the original author(s) in any way. We
intended no flames on any organizations, characters, products, people, or
ideas which were referenced in this MSTing. This MSTing reflects Rich and
Kate's own personal viewpoints, and not always both of ours, and does not
necessarly reflect the views of the University of Georgia, NASA, Goddard
Space Flight Center, or Rich's employer, Hughes STX.
Mike Inglis
Bravo! Bravo! Auteur! Auteur!
--
Mikey "Dreamy" Inglis
(Opinions expressed here were brought to earth by Ancient Astronauts)
For a dollar twenty-five, you can murder your wife
and have enough left over for a bag of cotton candy.
A shovel could come in handy. -- The Dickies, "Monster Island"