MiSTed: "The CIA Killed Robert Anton Wilson"
Steve Brinich
his E-Mail. Suddenly, he jumps up.]
Crow: Hey! Guys! Look at this!
[Mike, Tom Servo, and Gypsy enter.]
Tom: What? What?
Gypsy: Is something wrong?
Crow: Wrong? WRONG!! Look what I found on alt.news.mad-science:
The lab facilities at Deep 13 were destroyed by
a massive explosion at 3:47 am this morning. The
blast is believed to be the result of an experiment
in releasing "free energy" gone out of control.
During the experiment, a number of researchers
at other sites were in contact with Dr. Clayton
Forrester, chief of research at Deep 13. The last
communication from Forrester before contact was lost
was: "Dials going into the red zone... going OFF THE
SCAL-xQ6$@".
It is considered virtually certain that neither Dr.
Forrester nor his assistant, TV's Frank, survived the
blast.
Mike: Whoa....
Crow: No more stinky movies! No more incoherent Usenet posts!
Gypsy: No more supply rockets.
[All freeze and do a double take. Tom Servo and Crow begin to run
around like decapitated chickens.]
Tom: AAAAAAA!
Crow: No more spare parts! No more upgrades! NO MORE RAM CHIPS!!!
Mike: How am I going to eat and breathe?
Gypsy: Just relax. I'll figure out something.
[Incoming call light begins flashing. All but Gypsy are too busy
panicking to notice.]
Gypsy: [a la Sister Mary Elephant] Guys... Guys... GUYS!
Mike: What?
Gypsy: The Mads are calling [Nods toward incoming call light].
Mike: But... How?
Crow: So answer it and find out.
[Mike hits the incoming call button.]
[DEEP 13 -- The background is a mess of overturned lab junk. Dr.
Forrester and TV's Frank look disheveled; in particular, Dr. F's
lime green lab coat is covered with blast and scorch marks.]
Dr F: Well, well, well: the lab rat finally gets around to picking
up the phone.
Mike: We thought you were blown to bits down there.
Dr F: Hah! Didn't you ever learn not to believe everything you read
or have the experiments addled your brain already?
Frank: The other guy was still as sharp as he ever was after a lot more
than *you've* ever seen!
Dr F: I'll bet you're still in mourning after seeing the report about
Robert Anton Wilson's death!
[SOL -- All stand around stunned for a moment.]
Mike: Robert Anton Wilson is dead? Darn! I was looking forward to
his next book.
Tom: [sob]
Crow: Say it isn't so!
Dr F: Of course, it isn't so, you stupid bag of bolts! That's what
I mean about not believing everything you read, especially on
the Net, and *double-especially* in alt. groups! Just to drive
the point home, that post will be today's experiment.
Frank: We'll get right to that, 'cause our Invention Exchange is
buried under all that [waves toward pile of overturned lab stuff].
[SOL -- Experiment lights and alarm go off]
Mike: We got Exaggerated Death Report sign!
[DOOR SEQUENCE]
>alt.politics.libertarian #25546 (4 + 124 more)
>Newsgroups: alt.discordia,alt.illuminati,alt.conspiracy,bit.
>+ listserv.fnord-l,alt.drugs,alt.psychoactives,alt.
>+ magick,alt.politics.libertarian
>From: an5...@anon.penet.fi
Crow: Hey! This is the second anonymous one this month!
Mike: Anything so bad the author won't own up to it should be off
limits, even for the Mads.
>X-Anonymously-To: alt.discordia,alt.illuminati,alt.conspiracy,bit.listserv.
>+ fnord-l,alt.drugs,alt.psychoactives,
Tom: Alt.drugs and alt.psychoactives. Appropriate!
>+ alt.magick,alt.politics.
>+ libertarian
>Organization: Anonymous contact service
>Date: Wed Feb 23 07:03:11 EST 1994
>[1] THE CIA KILLED ROBERT ANTON WILSON
Crow: With what? The neutrino bomb?
>Lines: 41
>
>
> On February 21, 1994, noted science-fiction author and libertarian
>activist Robert Anton Wilson was found dead in his home,
Mike: But he got better.
> apparently
>of a heart attack (see the Los Angeles Times, Feb. 22). His
>death had come unexpectedly,
Tom: Even he didn't find out about it until he saw it on Usenet.
> and there had been no signs of ill health
>beforehand.
Mike: Or afterwards.
>
> Wilson did not die of natural causes.
Tom: He died of a net.hoax.
> He was assassinated.
>Earlier on that day, Wilson was injected with a time-delay poison
Crow: ...in these handy time-release microencapsulated caplets. Relieves
sinus congestion for up to 24 hours!
>based on shellfish toxin,
Mike: I thought that was only during months with no "R" in them.
> by an agent of the CIA's special
>SUPER-SECRET BLACK OPERATIONS SQUAD, using a special microscopic
>needle
Tom: Designed to get the maximum sound quality out of your old vinyl LPs.
> made of a plastic which dissolves in the body without a
>trace.
Crow: This plastic is also the basis of the modern fast food industry.
Mike: You mean that's what the containers are made of?
Crow: I mean that's what the *food* is made of.
> Wilson's body had been immediately taken and cremated
Mike: Despite his repeated loud objections.
> and
>the usuial step of an autopsy had been bypassed, ON ORDERS FROM
>ABOVE.
>
> It is clear why the power$
Tom: AAAAAAAAA!!! It's McElwaine!!
Crow: Run! Run for your life!
Mike: Who?? What are you talking about? Calm down!
[The bots settle down]
> that be wanted Wilson dead.
Tom: [Edward G. Robinson gangster voice] I want him *dead*! You
hear me? *Dead*!
>Wilson was a dangerous element;
Mike: No, Wilson was a dangerous *person*. Arsenic is a dangerous
*element*.
> the governments can only govern
>if the majority does not question the system (whoever currently
>"rules" does not matter). The troublesome minority can be dealt
>with discreetly, by means of
Crow: Bribing them with booze and women.
> EXECUTIVE ACTION (assassination),
>which is what happened with Wilson. Wilson gained too wide an
>audience, and his anti-statist, anti-government, pro-drug
>views were becoming too accepted. He had to be killed.
Tom: [announcer voice] ...so that the war could be brought to an
immediate end, thus saving a far greater number of lives.
>Earlier the same agencies (the CIA, NRO, DEA and CFR/TLC/Bilderberg
>BOLSHEVIK SHADOW GOVERNMENT) had LSD/mind-expansion advocate Dr.
>Timothy Leary "neutralised"
Crow: Ouch!!
Mike: He said "neutralized", not "neutered", wise guy!
> by injecting him with a neurotoxin
>which DESTROYS THE MIND,
Crow: Unlike any of the other stuff Leary was taking.
> and ARTIFICIALLY INDUCES A STATE
>SIMILAR TO SENILITY.
Tom: Well, that would explain the Reagan Administration....
> This form of chemical lobotomy has been used on
>dissidents for some time and has served the power$-that-be well.
Mike: Just look at me, for instance. All the effect of a lobotomy,
and none of the unsightly scarring!
>They have the means to induce psychosic, suicidal/homicidal
>tendencies, paranoia, religious fervor and madness in
>dissidents
Crow: ...such as myself.
> by chemical means (MK-ULTRA and other CLA$$IFIED
>PROJECT$).
>
>Dissemination of this information is encouraged. MAKE 30 COPIES.
Mike: For your friends.
Crow: You mean EX-friends....
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
>To find out more about the anon service, send mail to he...@anon.penet.fi.
>Due to the double-blind,
Crow: ...leading the double-blind.
> any mail replies to this message will be anonymized,
>and an anonymous id will be allocated automatically. You have been warned.
>Please report any problems, inappropriate use etc.
Tom: Good idea! Let's turn this sucker in!
> to ad...@anon.penet.fi.
Mike: OK, that's it....
[DOOR SEQUENCE]
Crow: The Mads may be warped, but they do have a point.
Mike: You mean about not believing everything you read on Usenet?
Crow: Yeah. Like, if I'd found that post on my own instead of having
the Mads send it up as an experiment, I might have believed it.
Mike: [chuckles] You would have *believed* all that stuff about the
CIA, microscopic needles, artificially-induced senility....?
Crow: Jeez, of course not! I mean, I might have believed that
Robert Anton Wilson was dead.
Mike: Oh. I guess nobody around here is dumb enough to believe
the *really* stupid stuff that goes around the Net.
[Tom Servo rushes into the scene]
Tom: Mike! Can you give me the names of five people with E-Mail
addresses you know on Earth?
Mike: Well, yeah, but you won't be able to send them mail. Outgoing
messages go through the Mads so we can't call somebody to rescue
us, remember?
[Tom pauses, then shuffles off, crestfallen]
Tom: A golden opportunity to Make Money Fast, down the drain....
[DEEP 13 -- The place is somewhat cleaned up; Frank is in the background
working to finish the job.]
Dr F: Well, I see that this educational experience isn't a complete
success. But then, in science, failure is often the path to success.
Frank: You mean like when we blew up the lab last night?
Dr F: Shut up, and push the button, Frank!
[Frank turns away from the high, rickety-looking pile of lab junk he is
stacking, and walks up to push the button.]
[FADE OUT]
[The sound of lots of stuff falling and breaking is heard.]
Dr F: [voiceover] FRANK!!!
MiSTing by Steve Brinich
\ | /
\ | / Mystery Sceince Theater 3000 and associated characters
\|/ are the property of Best Brains, Inc. and used here
----O---- for satirical purposes only.
/|\
/ | \ This post is not intended as a personal attack upon
/ | \ the original author, and is meant only as entertainment
and commentary on the content of the original post.
> Wilson did not die of natural causes. He was assassinated.
>Earlier on that day, Wilson was injected with a time-delay poison
>based on shellfish toxin, by an agent of the CIA's special
>SUPER-SECRET BLACK OPERATIONS SQUAD, using a special microscopic
>needle made of a plastic which dissolves in the body without a
>trace.
Dave Van Domelen
Dave Van Domelen, shoulda known the Clipper poster was a pal of
Frenzy's....}->
J. M. Pinc
there are now more Mike posts than Joel posts, don't you?
--
* Just repeat to yourself it's just a .sig *
* I should really just relax. *
* jmp...@teleport.com *
* jmp...@technical.powells.portland.or.us *
Steve Brinich
Thanks!
> Although I find it ironic that there are now more Mike posts than
>Joel posts, don't you?
I dunno... how far back does Net MiSTing go?
Steve Brinich | If the government wants us to respect the law, |
<ste...@access.digex.net> | it should set a better example. |
Prof. Otto Von Schnitzelpusskrakengesheitmeyer <SPATCH!>
Steve Brinich <ste...@access3.digex.net> wrote:
> > Bravo! Bravo! One of the funniest to date.
>
> Thanks!
>
> > Although I find it ironic that there are now more Mike posts than
> >Joel posts, don't you?
>
> I dunno... how far back does Net MiSTing go?
it goes back before the Stu controversy, I know that... I think the 'lovegod'
postings are some of the earliest MiSTings, sorta like MST3K archaeology.
If you look at 'lovegod' sometime, check the date.
--
_____ spa...@titan.ucs.umass.edu
|\ /|
| O | "You mean I slept with Marvin, the Happy Chipmunk?!"
|/ \| - a friend of mine who prefers to remain anonymous
roberta chi-woon kwong
>In article <2l65mc$g...@access3.digex.net>,
>Steve Brinich <ste...@access3.digex.net> wrote:
>>
>> I dunno... how far back does Net MiSTing go?
>
>it goes back before the Stu controversy, I know that... I think the 'lovegod'
>postings are some of the earliest MiSTings, sorta like MST3K archaeology.
>
>If you look at 'lovegod' sometime, check the date.
As far as I remember, the first article MSTing was of R.E.
McElwaine's "Free Energy" post, which had originally been
cross-posted to a.t.mst3k (and several humdred other groups) late
last year. Definitely during the Joel era.
For the life of me, my swiss-cheesed memory can't recall the
author's name. It was a great MSTing, too.
Robin C. Kwong ("er)
Dinsdale!
Steve Brinich
listed as Robert Everett Brunskill.
Gretchen Murawski
Wilson's books, and I was just wondering if he is dead or what.
Gretchen
Steve Brinich
Before everybody found out that RAW was still alive, somebody posted this
classic conspiracy rant....
timothy k istian soholt
>I missed the original post on this one, but I've read many of Robert Anton
>Wilson's books, and I was just wondering if he is dead or what.
What. Claiming that Wilson was dead was the first of many inanities in the
post which resulted in it showing up on Mystery Usenet Theater 3000.
-- Tim Soholt (xoa...@carina.unm.edu)