MiSTied "Understanding" (2/2)

[castel...@nd.edu]

> "How...when did he find out?" Her lip trembled; she >started to shake beneath Luke's fingers. "He couldn't have known when >he captured me aboard the first Death Star....if he had I wouldn't be >here now...he wouldn't have toyed with me the way he did; he would have >killed me outright."

TOM: The eighties father

> She shook her head;

MIKE: Then she put it back on her neck.

> she was starting to become >frantic; her

voice raced and became ragged, as she repeated the question >that had
started her loss of control.

CROW: Hey, it's just like a Golden Earing video.

> "How could he have known?"

> Before answering, Luke pulled her back into his embrace, and
sent a >few calming thoughts to her.

CROW: Mike, do they remember that they come from the same gene pool?

MIKE: I just don't know.

> She stopped trembling, but her breath
was >labored beneath his arms.

TOM (Leia, muffled): I can't breathe!

>"I'm not sure," he finally whispered into her
hair. He stroked her >silken mane to calm her further.

CROW: Mike, you're a human. Is this touchy-feely attitude common among
brother and sister?

TOM: Yeah, were you like this with your sister?

MIKE: No and hell no!

> He felt his own

emotions begin to slip as exasperation and >desperation began to set in
as his desire to have her be at peace with >this seemed farther out of
reach.

MIKE: That's one hell of a run-on sentence.

>"For a Jedi there is only peace," he reminded himself. "Patience." He >cleared his throat and went on. "Maybe it was my name...Skywalker's >not
all that common, and that combined with my Force abilities..."

MIKE: And your third nipple.

> He trailed

off. "But I do know this: he >didn't know about you until..." his voice
caught; he was unsure he was >willing to admit this, but decided it
could only make things better, for >himself, as well as Leia. He drew a
breath. "Until my thoughts...my >desire to protect you...

CROW: I don't think that was his only desire.

TOM: Oh, Crow. Please stop it.

> betrayed you in that final battle."

> Leia had calmed somewhat by then, and she looked up at him
with eyes >full of emotion.

MIKE: And mucous. Her allergies have been acting up since getting to
Endor.

BOTS: Eww!

> "No, Luke.

CROW (Leia): Not here. Not now.

MIKE: Just what parts of the satellite did the other guy give you to make
you so twisted, Crow?

CROW: Never ask that question, Mike.

> You could never betray me by caring about me." She >reached up and gently ran her fingers over his cheek,

this time >comforting him. But she could feel that he was holding
back.

CROW: Hah-hah! Do I need to?

MIKE and TOM: No!

>
"There's more though. You're not telling me all of >it."

> Luke sighed, and squared his shoulders.

TOM: Is that mathematically possible?

> Maybe telling all of it

would make it all >right for him as well as for her. "Apparently, when
Anakin turned, he >did not know that our mother was pregnant. Ben knew
that any children >he might have would be a threat to him, and to the
Emperor,

MIKE: AFDC would be his political downfall.

> and

he also knew that they knew it, so they sent our >mother off into
hiding, and separated us as soon as we were born. I was >sent to live
with Ben's brother, and you with a good friend of Ben's. >Apparently,
shortly after Ben found out we were on the way, he went and >tried to
turn Vader back. They fought, and Vader fell into a molten >pit, which
is why he had to wear all that life support." He shrugged.

TOM: No biggie.

>"That's all I know."

> Leia heaved a great sigh,

MIKE: Must be morning sickness.

> and turned and paced a step away, her
mind and heart >full,

CROW: She couldn't eat another bite.

> but calmer now. "I always knew I was adopted." She whispered >as much to the >trees as she did to Luke.

MIKE: Why do the trees care?

TOM: Maybe Leia is a gardener.

> "But I always thought

it was because my real >mother had been ill; she died when I was so
young...I never knew >anything about my true father, and never really
thought about it; I was >so comfortable in the thought that Bail and
Jiselle Organa were my >parents."

> Luke swallowed. The puzzle was coming together;

CROW: Looks like the White House.

TOM: No, no. It's the Taj Mahal.

> maybe if they

both laid all their >pieces out, the picture would make sense. "What do
you remember about >our mother?"

MIKE: The smell of Vodka and cheap cigarettes.

> Leia turned and looked at him, and shrugged marginally. "Nothing >concrete." Her eyes glazed over, and she spoke with a faraway voice,

ALL: [Start air guitaring "Purple Haze."]

>

"She always smelled of Cargacian Night >Flowers; a sweet, floral, earthy
smell. She had long, silky hair..." >She absently ran her fingers
through her own. "She liked to tickle me.

TOM: Tickle Me Elmo dolls still haven't met their demand quota.

> She had such a gentle voice... >she'd always
sing me to sleep at night..." She began to hum a sad, >sweet lullaby,

MIKE (singing): Never laugh when a hearse goes by...

> but quickly trailed off as >the tears came.

> Luke moved to hold her.

CROW: This is starting to cross into a PG-13 category.

MIKE: It broke that barrier a long time ago.

> For a long few moments, she just let her
tears flow, >letting them cleanse her soul.

TOM: The wonders of bran cereal.

> Luke reached out with the Force,

searching time and >space and Leia's mind for an image of her - their -
mother. "She >was...very much like you," he said after he'd caught a
glimpse or two of >her. He stroked Leia's hair again; it seemed to calm
her. "Strong, >beautiful, brave, smart, sensitive. She even looked a
lot like you."

> Leia looked up at him. It seemed at every moment he came up
with a >new surprise.

CROW: Like that bulge in his pants.

MIKE: CROW! [Mike smacks Crow.]

CROW: Ow!

> "I thought you knew nothing about her."

> "The Force reveals many things."

TOM: Kind of like X-ray specs.

CROW: Why don't you hit him?

MIKE: That wasn't lewd.

> Leia seemed to accept that. She took a deep breath, and

plunged on, >as if finishing the story would make it all right. "And
then she died. >Before I even knew her. I was maybe...two; if that. I
really didn't >understand, but I was so close to my "foster" parents
already that the >change wasn't that drastic. After a while, I didn't
think about her > anymore, and never asked any questions. And no one at
court did either,

TOM: Not even during cross examination?

MIKE: Wrong court.

>

at least not that I heard. >I heard some whisperings about my mother
being sterile and that's why >they adopted me. Whether that was the
truth or it was a fabrication to >keep me safe, I don't know. It
certainly makes more sense in this >context." She sniffled. "I should
have asked more questions.

TOM (Leia): Then I wouldn't have failed chemistry.

> I'm sure they would have told me the truth."

> Luke squeezed her.

ALL: [Screaming in terror.]

CROW: Mike, are they from the South?

MIKE: Even the galaxy has a south, I guess.

> "You had a family that loved you; you were
safe and >well cared for. You had no reason to."

> Leia shrugged. "Maybe." She was silent for a long moment. She >rested in the arms of her brother, listening to his heartbeat and feeling >the gentle rise

ALL: [Screaming again.]

TOM: Oh, this is just so wrong!

>and fall of his chest. This seemed so...primal.

MIKE: *Ping.* That is the correct answer.

> She knew that

this was the first sound her >forming ears had heard. A quiet peace
spread over her soul. She drew a >deep breath, and looked up. "Hey, the
sun is coming up."

CROW: Don't that beat all?

> Luke looked. "Sure enough." He put an arm around his sister's >shoulders. "Let's go see what those Ewoks serve for breakfast. I'm >starved."

CROW (C-3PO): It would seem that *you* are the main course in a feast in
my honor.

> They arrived back at the village, to the smell of meat cooking, and >the clank and crunch of equipment. Han gathered the pair of them up in >his arms in one big embrace. "Hey kids, what have you two been up to?"

MIKE: You don't *ever* want to know!

> Leia smiled, "Talking."

> The trio went and ate breakfast in relative silence, just happy to be >back together again. Lando came and joined them toward the end, >slapping Luke on the back

TOM: Causing Luke to swallow his tobacco.

> and kissing Leia's cheek. >After they'd eaten,
Han rubbed his hands on his pants, and remarked to >Lando, "Well, I
guess I'd better go see what you did to my ship." He >started to stand.
>"Uh..." Lando
started, jumping up in front of Han.

ALL (chanting): Lando broke the Falcon, Lando broke the Falcon!

> "Why don't you
take Leia and to >find a nice little spot in the forest and take the day
off?

CROW: She must be worn out by now.

MIKE: Crow... Oh the hell with it.

> I'll make sure the Falcon's taken >care of."

> Han looked at him skeptically. "There's a lot to do today, Lando. >We've got to pack up camp and..."

> "I'll look after that. It'll take several days before we get off this >rock anyway, so why don't you enjoy the time while you've got it? If >anybody asks any questions, I'll be >responsible. I am a general now, >you know."

CROW: Only by default.

MIKE: Yeah, I hardly call defeating those pirates at Tanaab impressive
qualifications.

TOM: You're just a wealth of useless information, Mike.

> Han glanced at Leia, who shrugged.
Han sighed. "Okay, but I'm taking >a commlink with me. You call
me at the first sign of anything, you got >that?"

> Lando mock saluted. "Yes sir."

> Han took Leia's hand, and, after packing some rations and a
commlink, >they strolled off into the forest...

MIKE (Lando): Oh, commlink this you crummy...

>After a short walk, they found a nice clearing with just the right >mixture of sun and shade. After settling in under a tree, Han gathered >Leia up in his arms

TOM: And glued her back together.

> and kissed her warmly. He >held her close, and whispered
into her ear, "I woke up this morning and >you were gone. Where'd you
go?"

> "I had to clear my head," she murmured back. "I went for a walk,
and >wound up talking to Luke."

> "Yeah, about Luke," he pushed her away a little bit. "What is this >about his being your brother? How come I haven't heard about >this
before?"

TOM (Leia): Because you never listen!

> Leia placed a hand on his shoulder, hopefully to keep him from >getting angry. "Because I didn't know before."

CROW (Leia): That incest is neat.

MIKE: [Sighs and shakes his head.]

> Han looked at her totally puzzled. Leia sighed. "You knew I was >adopted, didn't you?"

> Han shook his head. He didn't know where she was going with
this.

> "It was pretty common knowledge, at least on Alderaan."

MIKE: Yeah, well he's from Corellia, dummy.

CROW: Mike, you're more than just a trekkie, aren't you?

> Han scowled. "Well, I didn't know about it."

> Leia shrugged, hoping to make light of it.

TOM: Emotions and energy are not interchangible by the laws of physics.

CROW: What if they used transporters?

TOM: Crow!

> "It wasn't a big deal.

CROW (Leia): So I kissed my brother. Big deal.

TOM: Mike, aren't you going to stop him?

MIKE: Why bother? He'd just shut himself down again if he couldn't say
what he wants.

>

The court and the people >accepted me, and after I was about 7, there
wasn't too much said about >it."

> "Did you know?" Han asked, sincerely interested.

> She nodded. "Oh, yes. I have... vague memories of my natural >mother."

> "But not of Luke?"

> She shook her head. "No. Apparently, we were separated when
we were >born."

MIKE: There is an omnibenevolent God, and this is proof.

> He furrowed his brow, digesting that. "You're twins?"

TOM: What, can't you tell?

> Leia smiled awkwardly. "Did I leave that part out? I'm sorry."

> Han looked at her for a long moment. This got stranger and
stranger >the more he found out about it. "Why?"

MIKE: ...ask why?

> Leia heaved a sigh,

CROW: Maybe she ate some bad clams.

> and stammered. She had hoped she

wouldn't have to go >into this. The fear that had gripped her before
threatened to come >back. "To...to protect us from our natural father."

> Han looked at her with questioning eyes, shaking his head
marginally, >understanding less and less. "Wh... why...?"

TOM: Does the name "Bonaducci" ring a bell?

> Leia turned away, unsure she could say the words. Her breathing >became labored, and the words stuck in her throat. "Because..." She >swallowed. Her fear was becoming palpable again. "Because he was..." >The rhythm of her breath increased. She felt all her muscles tighten. >She
seemed to shrink. "He was..." She wrapped her arms around herself; >she
was beginning to feel sick. "He was..."

MIKE (Ralphie): Soap... poisoning!

BOTS: [Faking melodramatic weeping.]

> Han gripped her shoulders from behind her, to steady her. "Who
was >he, Leia?"

> Leia's head spun;

CROW: AHH! The Exorcist is back!

> she leaned against Han for support. Her throat was tight; >her voice box wasn't functioning. "Vader," she finally managed
to >whisper. "He was >Vader."

> "What?" Han said, suddenly unsure of what to think. He was repelled

TOM: Ugg. Rock climbing.

> by the fact that this person >might be the spawn of the one being

in the universe he hated the >most, but at the same time his heart ached
for her;

MIKE: My achey breaky heart.

> he knew her; he loved her, and no matter her >parentage, she was still
Leia, the woman he loved.

> She was sobbing now, and he wrapped his arms around her, to

comfort >her. "Is that what all that business with Luke was about the
night

>before last?"

CROW: We warned you about that question!

> She nodded against his >shoulder.

> She cried for a minute or so longer, letting her pain flow out with >her tears. She looked up, brushing her tears from her face. "I'm sorry >I
lied to you; well it wasn't a total lie, I _was_

TOM: She's doing _that_ again!

> worried that Luke wouldn't
come back, but..." She heaved >a heavy sigh,

CROW: I'm going to heave soon.

> and proceeded to tell Han

all that Luke had told her about >Anakin Skywalker, and how he had
turned before he had known his wife was >pregnant, and how his children
would be a threat to him, and so they >were kept well hidden. And how
Luke had turned Vader back from the Dark >Side, and had brought his body
back to Endor to be burned.

MIKE: Don't forget about the s'mores.

>She let it flow from her. Telling the story, the truth, to
Han, helped >heal her somewhat.

> When she had finished, she bit her lip, looked up into Han's eyes
and >asked, "So, do you still love me?"

ALL: Nah!

> He smiled that lopsided grin of his. "Why would I not?"

CROW (Han): Why would I not use contractions?

> "Well, being the daughter of Vader and all..."

> He took her hands in his. "Leia, you said it yourself, you're not the >daughter of Vader, you're the daughter of the man who became Vader. >There's a big difference." He smiled again. "And even if there wasn't, >you're you,

MIKE: Oh that kind of philosophy is going to be printed in a text book
right after Descartes one day.

CROW: Hey, that reminds me of something.

MIKE and TOM: NO IT DOESN'T!

> and you don't have any control over who your >parents are. I
love you for what you are, not what your genes say."

CROW: It's what's in them that counts.

> She smiled at him and hugged him close. He had just moved to
kiss >her again when his commlink beeped.

> "Aw, Great Gods of the Manasassi,"

TOM: You know who you are!

> he groaned as he flipped the
device on. "What?"

> A squeaky voice answered. "General Solo, Mon Mothma
requests that >Princess Leia contact her as soon as possible."

> "About what?" Han demanded.

> "Something about an Imperial probe, sir. That's all I know."

CROW: Hey, she just had one at her last check-up!

> Han sighed. "Very well then. She'll do it soon. Solo out."

> He tossed the commlink to Leia and climbed to his feet. "Here,
call >Mon Mothma. There's somthin' I wanna do quick. I'll be back soon."
He >smooched her.
"Han....?"

> "Just stay put, I'll be back soon." He bounded off into the forest.

MIKE (Han): I gotta pee real bad.

CROW (Leia): Watch out for snakes.

> Leia shrugged and flipped on the commlink. "Princess Leia
Organa to >Mon Mothma...what is this about an Imperial probe...?"

CROW: Now that was an action-packed story.

TOM: Let's get going.

0...2...3...4...5...6...*

[<SoL> Mike is feverently tapping at a computer. Tom and Crow are behind
him.]

CROW: Has Dr. Forrester realized that it's over yet?

MIKE: No, I don't think so. I've almost accessed his computer and he
hasn't tried to stop me yet.

TOM: Good! Hurry and delete that Star Wars library from his computer. The
world hasn't encountered such evil since the opening of Pandora's box.

MIKE: I'm almost in.

CROW: Hey Tom, do you think this Stacy Galler was trying to discourage any
sexual encounters one may have in the near future?

TOM: God know it did the job for me. Why, I'll never be able to look at
Gypsy again and think, "I wonder what it would be like if she were my
sister?"

MIKE: [Looking back.] Guys, she IS your sister.

TOM: What?!?!

BOTS: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

MIKE: Guys, I've broken his encryption lock-out. Wouldn't it figure that
the password was "deep hurting."

CROW: Quick, Mike! Delete delete delete!

MIKE: All right. Say goodbye, evilness. I banish you back to hell!

[Just as Mike is about to delete the Library from Dr. Forrester's files,
the artificial gravity on the Satellite of Love shuts off and everyone and
everything not fastened down floats away.]

MIKE: Hey, what the... Get back over here! [Mike lunges for the computer
but misses.]

TOM: Foiled again! [He sobs.]

<Deep 13>

DR. F: Well, my little lab rats. I see you were snooping where you
shouldn't be. If I let you down, do you promise not to mess with my
hardware again? Hmmm?

<SoL>

ALL: We promise.

<Deep 13>

DR. F: Are you sure? If you aren't, I can always send you up "Hackers" as
your next experiment.

<SoL>

ALL (panicked): No! We promise we promise!

<Deep 13>

DR. F: Good. But I think I'll leave you floating until I come up with a
new password.

MRS. F: Clay! Where the hell is that popcorn?

DR. F: Uh, coming mother! Until next time, booby.

[Pushes the button.]

WHOOSH

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are
trademarks of and (c) 1997 by Best Brains, Inc. All right reserved. Use
of copyrighted and trademark material is for entertainment purposes only;
no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best
Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.

She jumped to her feet, ran several meters away until her heart had used
up the extra energy. From the bottom of her soul, she screamed the only
possible truth into the night; "NO!"

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