MiSTed: "MIA #3: Red Dawn" 2/6

[Clo...@my-dejanews.com]

Oops, sorry, folks.

Continued from Part 1...
Continued from Part 1...

Tom: As Jamie usually did when it didn't involve killing, sex, or food.

> "Well, I did a bit of research since our last encounter with the Ice
>Warriors. Millions of years ago, Mars was much like Earth. Then, some
>horrible cataclysm occurred which made the surface of the planet like it
>is. A small percentage of the population survived by living underground.
>They built a network of tunnels around the planet, found food and water
>underground to live, and basically restarted their own society."

Tom: We're gonna build a whole new world for ourselves.. You know where?
Underground...You should see it down there...miles and miles of
drains...

> "Wha' has tha' to do with us?" asked Jaime.
>
> "Well, after the disaster, the Martians slowly began to reclaim the
>new surface of their world over the millennia, building canals and such.
>Beasts began to prosper and grow again."
>
> "And?"
>
> "And then the Martian Black Plague hit. Oh, not many Martians died
>from it directly, but 99% of all other organic life on Mars did. The
>Martians had nothing left to eat. They would pray to whatever gods they
>worshipped and sacrifice beasts such as the Yad so that food would grow
>again. The Yad must have escaped a sacrifice."
>
> "That's why there were no fish in th' canal?"

Crow: Geez. You'd wonder how Jamie survived to live this long...

> "Yes, Jaime. That's probably why." The Doctor smiled, pleased at his
>own deductive abilities.
>
> "So why didn' they just eat the Yad?"
>
> "The disease also made many of the other Martian animals poisonous. A
>bit of a Typhoid Mary situation."
>
> Jaime asked "Mary who?" and the Doctor sighed in resignation.

Mike: You'd think the Doctor would be used to this by now.

> Jaime spoke again.
>
> "Now how to we get past th' beastie?" The Doctor frowned, and fell
>silent again.
>
>
> Victoria walked alongside Ssturn and Sskrantz. Sskrantz still aimed
>the device at her. She didn't know that she could have run away at any
>time without even being harmed. Sskrantz thought his bluff was quite
>clever. He had heard of violence, as a concept, but never actually saw
>proof of it. You see, Victoria was from nineteenth century Earth. As a
>result, despite her travels with the Doctor, she had only a passing
>familiarity with advanced technology, and couldn't distinguish between a
>ray gun of any sort, or the flashlight which Sskrantz was holding against
>her.

All: D'OH!

>
> The Martians were pacifists, after all.
>
>
> "Doctor," began Jaime, still waiting for the Yad to leave...or die...
>or something. "What gods do the Martians worship?"

Crow: Mistress Mel!

> "Hmmm?"
>
> "Yae said the beastie out there is used for sacrifice. To who?"

Crow: Mistress Mel!

> "I don't recall the exact name of the god, although I think I met him
>once. Marvin, I think. Anyway, that will end soon."

Tom: Yeah, they all sat around chanting 'Meep Meep' over and over.

> "Why is that?"
>
> "Well, because....oh my goodness! Jaime, we have to find Victoria and
>leave this place at once!" said the Doctor frantically.
>
> "Why?"

Tom: [Doctor] A plot point, Jamie...we have to run far far away.

> "Because this could be the start of the Osiran enslavement of the
>Martian people. This is when they begin worshipping the Osirans, what
>would be known on Earth as the Egyptian Gods. It will begin a path that
>will lead them to becoming Ice Warriors."
>
> "What are Osirans?"

Mike: Here we go again...

> "A technologically advanced race that likes to enslave races with
>little or no technological advancement. In a few thousand years, they
>will enslave the Egyptian civilization on Earth. Oh my! The Osirans must
>be here! Now! We have to get off this planet!"
>
> "What will happen to us if we don't?"

Crow: We'll get turned into a mix of dark fudge and milk chocolate with
peanuts!

> "Nothing good." The Doctor interrupted himself and looked at the
>monitor. "Jaime, look. The Yad is lying on the ground. Perhaps it's
>asleep."

Mike: Perhaps listening to all this plot exposition has bored it to death.

> "Or settin' a trap," said Jaime morbidly.
>
> "Brave heart, Jaime. I'll investigate." Against Jaime's better
>judgment, the Doctor worked a control on the console and the TARDIS
>door opened. Stepping outside, the Doctor began to stare at the face of
>the
>unmoving Yad. Jaime, deciding it must be safe after the Doctor wasn't
>mauled to death by the beast, stepped outside and joined the Doctor.
>
> "Is the beast asleep?" he asked.
>
> "No," answered the Doctor. "It's dead."

Mike: [Jamie] Boredom?
Crow: Old age?
Tom: Asphyxiation?

> "Starvation?"
>
> "Broken neck."
>
> "Wha'? How?"

Mike: [Doctor] Something about lying here and listening to me talk to you
for four hours on the history of Mars.

> The Doctor would have answered the question, but the giant robot
>mummy was already upon them.

Crow: Do I sense a cliffhanger?
Mike: Yep.
Tom: More a Tom Baker kind of cliffhanger. Not a Troughton.
Mike: Yep.

>
>Red Dawn
>Chapter 3--Sskrantz and Ssturn are...?
>by Chris Nelson
>
>The giant mummy bore down on the Doctor and Jamie, moving in slow,
>oddly
>graceful jerks from side to side.

Mike: Hooh, boy -- "bore," "slow," and "jerks," all in one sentence. This
is downright Freudian!

>The Doctor bobbed his hat nervously to
>the figure in front of them.
> "How d'ye do?" he asked chirpily, while waving frantically at Jamie
>with his fingers behind his back.

Tom: Ah, the old "distract 'em with your rendition of 'I'm A Little Teapot,
Short and Stout'" plan.

> The mummy stared impassively at the scruffy little man before moving
>in for the kill.
> "Now Jamie!"

Tom: So the Doctor was just a warm-up act then?
Crow: Oh, yeah. Jamie knocks 'em dead at the Apollo.

> Jamie slung the limp body of the Yad around him and then hurled it at
>the approaching mummy. The creature teetered back for a moment as its
>center of gravity shifted.
> "Run, Jamie!"
> "Ye don't hae' to tell me twice, Doctor," he shouted as the scurried
>off through the dunes.

Tom: He has to tell you every five minutes, you Scottish twerp!

> As they ran off, the Doctor risked a look over his shoulder. He
>grinned madly too see that the mummy wasn't giving chase, but his face
>fell when he realized that it had taken an unmoving position directly in
>front of the doors of the TARDIS. For the time being, at any rate, the
>option of simply leaving Mars to its historic fate was no longer an option.

Crow: When is an option not an option?
Tom: When it's ajar?

>*****
>
>Meanwhile, Victoria was being frog-marched between two oddly frog-like

Crow: Frogs.

>creatures. Without the fearsome armor that she associated with the Ice
>Warriors that had threatened the Earth of the future, these Martians
>seemed rather innocuous. This pair was positively charming, once they
>put down their weapons and just chatted.

Tom: [In British voice] Oh, so then Lord Biddleswick told me that he'd
been down to Fimmelsworth Manor to see Lady Dinsdale, and she was
at tea with the Earl of Glaston-on-Swampsbury --

> "So you see, Victoria, only a great sacrifice to the High Ones will
>bring life back to Mars. We've lost our Yad--"
> "_You_ lost our Yad," muttered Sskrantz.

Crow: [Sskrantz] Dickweed.

> "--but we must still hurry to Olympus Mons to join the other eight
>pilgrims," finished Ssturn with a glare at his companion.
> Victoria had calmed down over the last few minutes, but was still on
>her guard. "But you won't be sacrificing _me_...?"

Crow: Ooh, yeah, great idea! I'd never have thought of it if you hadn't
mentioned it!

> Sskrantz wiggled his head furiously in denial. "Of course not. The
>High Ones would be insulted if we delivered any intelligent being to their
>hands--it would be as if we were challenging their might. Do you not
>know the High Ones from your world?"

Mike: Yeah, we had shop class together.

> Victoria thought of her good and pure childhood and the long arguments
>and discussions her father had with the vicar. And she thought of the
>handful of gods and goddesses that she had met in her travels with the
>Doctor and Jamie. "I think that everyone has their own High Ones," she
>said slowly. "And I think that it's the _belief_ in the High Ones that is
>most important, rather than the High Ones themselves."
> Sskrantz and Ssturn considered for a moment. "Well said, friend
>Victoria," said Ssturn.

Mike: Time to die, now.

>"We value the addition of your faith to our
>party. Surely the High Ones will return at last and share their bounty
>with us now."
> The trio walked on around another dune and then slowed to a stop.
>Sskrantz raised his hands in awe at the sight before them. "The High
>Ones
>have returned! Look at the shining chariot in which they have
>travelled!" @ Victoria squinted at the shape before her. "But that
>doesn't make any sense," she said dully.

Crow: Isn't it a bit too late to start worrying about things not making
sense in this story?

>For before her, surrounded by
>statues of figures with animal heads, and odd stylistic carvings, was an
>enormous pyramid.
>
>*****
>
>Ka'bob, the Ka'baa pilot, squeezed his eyes tight together and _thought_
>for all his might. The mental absorbers that had been installed in his
>skull sucked up the raw psi-power generated by his synapses and diverted
>it into more useful channels.

Mike: Oh, great, I can just imagine how much power you get out of the
brain of "Ker-Bob" here.
Tom: Yeah, I think we might be able to toast some bread, now...
Crow: "Ka'bob"? What's his first name, "Shish"?

>Some was stored up in the reserves of the
>Great Pyramid. Some was fed directly to Kohentan <<involuntary shiver>>

Mike: Yeah, we've been doing a lot of that in this story.

>himself. Some was parcelled out to the servitor robots. And some was
>pumped toward the research programs underway in the next chamber.
> There, the eight original Martian natives were undergoing conversion.
>The servitor robots were excessively draining on the present resources.
>When possible, it was preferable to make use of expendable native
>workers instead. Things were not going well, however.
> These Martians were a sickly bunch. It seemed that they hadn't been
>fed adequately within the last few cycles. Ka'bob diverted some of his
>mental energy toward analyzing the food base of this planet.

Tom: Wha -- ? Says here, they've been living on yellow snow!

>Ahhh--some
>time in the fairly recent past, a kind of plague had swept through (or
>past?) Mars. Ka'bob _thought_ again

Mike: Note how it's a big event every time this guy thinks.

>and converted some mental energy into
>some simple organic proteins. For the time being, he would strengthen
>the
>natives with his own energy. Some other solution would have to be found
>for the long term, however. Perhaps some kind of reinforced exo-
>skeleton...? More _thought_ was required.

Mike: [Ka'Bob] Oh, man, this is worse than high school!

> The eight natives twitched uneasily as the Ka'baa tweaked their bodies
>and their minds. As an after_thought_, Ka'bob planted some instincts
>within the natives. A simple caste system would make the population far
>more efficient. Manual workers, skilled workers, warriors. _Thought,
>thought, thought..._
> Suddenly, Ka'bob reached his hands to his temples. Oh. OH. *OH*.
>As had happened to the hundreds of pilots before him, he had reached and
>past his mental limits.

Tom: Bet that didn't take long...

>As his brain overheated and his synapses fired
>and fired and fired and fired, Ka'bob's last _thoughts_ were of Kohentan
><<involuntary shiver>>. @ Ka'bob died.
> Ka'rel, the new Ka'baa pilot, pushed his body aside and then sat in
>his seat. She squeezed her eyes and _thought_...

Crow: But at least she knew she had job security, with a 401K plan, and a
nice set of benefits...

>*****
>
>"We must join our fellow travelers," said Sskrantz, emphatically waving
>his flashlight under Victoria's nose. "They must have already entered the
>shrine."
> "Wait, please," Victoria protested. Nearly every alien she'd ever met
>had thrust some kind of weapon in her face. She was a patient young
>woman
>(and she tried so hard to brave!), but every now and then her reserves
>cracked a little.

Tom: Oh, that explains why she screamed like a banshee every five minutes
in the TV series.

>"This building is from _my_ world, not yours--I've
>seen drawings of it."

Mike: And if you saw the cover to "Set Piece," you saw really bad drawings
of it.

> "But that proves it then," argued Ssturn excitedly. "Your faith has
>brought the High Ones to us--and they have taken the forms of the High
>Ones you worship on your world in honor of your efforts on our behalf."
> Victoria sighed. She had a very bad feeling about this, but she
>really didn't have any choice at this point. She pulled her jacket
>tighter around herself

Crow: [Victoria] Gaack! Too...tight...

>and then began to gingerly lead the way toward
>the Pyramid.
>
>*****
>
>Jamie and the Doctor were also approaching the Pyramid, but from the
>opposite direction. The young Scotsman fidgeted a bit. That last storm
>seemed to have blown sand down every opening in his clothes.

All: Ewww!
Mike: Thanks, but that I did not need to know!

>The thermal
>leggings he was wearing under his kilt were keeping him warm on this
>chilly planet, but they were also trapping the sand right against his
>skin.
> "Hey, Doctor--would ye mind if I ducked behind the brambles for a
>bit?"

Crow: [Suave and oily] Why, certainly, Jamie...

> The Doctor shook his head furiously. "Now, Jamie, this is no time for
>a call of nature. The situation is very serious." He waved his arms
>around in a gesture vaguely reminiscent of a windmill.

Tom: Oh, for Don Quixote to show up right now...

>Jamie resigned
>himself to his sandy fate for at least a while more as the Doctor
>continued.
> "That mummy clinches it, you see. The Osiran influence on Egypt is
>well-documented. It's not at all surprising that the Ice Warriors began
>to wear those thick skins. Everything leads back to the Osirans. Oh, why
>couldn't they just keep praying to Marsha?"

Crow: Oh, everything's all about Marsha with you, Doctor! Marsha Marsha
Marsha!

> "I thought it was Marvin that the--" began Jamie.
> "Hush, hush--I haven't gotten to the good bits yet.

All: WE NOTICED.

>We need to keep
>our eyes open for anything in a pyramidal shape."
> "Oh aye," said Jamie absently as he scratched himself.
> The Doctor suppressed a sigh. "Big triangles, Jamie--watch out for
>big triangles!"
> The two travelers rounded another dune and then stopped in surprise as
>they saw the Great Pyramid jutting up from the sand.
> Jamie smiled broadly. "Well there you go, Doctor!"
> "Yes," the Doctor said, in a tone much darker than usual. "But look
>who's going inside..."
> For Victoria and her two captors were just disappearing into the base
>of the Pyramid.
>
>*****
>
>As soon as they stepped over the threshold of the entrance to the
>Pyramid,
>the temperature began to rise. Victoria thankfully began to loosen her
>thermal jacket, but Sskrantz and Ssturn immediately began to fidget
>uncomfortably at the heat.
> Ssturn hissed, "The shrine is testing our willingness to proceed. Our
>faith must stay strong."
> Victoria shrugged. She didn't really care why the heat was on. The
>important thing was that she was getting warm at last. Somehow the
>Doctor
>always managed to land them somewhere icy--Telos, Tibet, England
>during the second ice age...

Crow: Mike's apartment after he invites a date in for drinks...
Mike: Hey!

>"I think it's lovely."
> "Your faith is...indeed...strong," said Sskrantz laboriously.
> Victoria bit her lip. The heat seemed to be slowing the Martians
>down. If she was quick (and brave), she might be able to escape from
>them

Tom: Well, that's one hope down the toilet, then...

>and get back to Jamie and the Doctor. But they hadn't really harmed her.
>They just seemed to want her help.
> As they turned the next corner, however, all chance for escape
>disappeared. Suddenly they were in a chamber full of Martians,
>humanoids, and one enormous mummy.

Mike: You know, I think I saw this bit in a Marx Brothers film...

>Victoria screamed shrilly and froze in her
>tracks.
> One of the people turned her head towards them and smiled. "I am
>Ka'rel. Please join us." And then she shut her eyes.
> Victoria suddenly found that she couldn't move. Sskrantz shook his
>head sadly. "This is not how it was foretold. We are too late, Ssturn--
>the High Ones are displeased."
> Ssturn exerted his will and folded his hands in agreement. "Yes,
>friend. But Victoria has no part in this."
> "Agreed,' said his companion. Together, the two Martians struggled
>against the grip of Ka'rel's mind until they could shield Victoria with
>their bodies.
> "Save yourself," they shouted. "And keep our faith."
> One step at a time, Victoria managed to reach an exit. She looked
>back in desperation, but her two captors-turned-friends had been drawn
>to join the other silent Martians.
> "Thanks, Sskrantz and gentle Ssturn," she said softly before hurrying
>down the corridor.

Tom: Thanks, Ssturn and gentle Sskrantz, dimwit.

> Ka'rel looked after the escaped native and shook her head a bit.
>There was no escape of course, but especially not down _that_
>passageway.
>That road led only to the sleeping Kohentan <<involuntary shudder>>. The
>native would soon return. But changed.

Crow: Which was a good thing. Talk about your saggy diapers that leak...
Tom: Now would be a good time to change 'em, 'cause it's time!
[The trio exits.]

[1...2...3...4...5...6...*]

[SOL]
[Mike walks in. Tom is standing to his right, and Crow's in the
background, hammering and drilling.] Everywhere there are pieces of cut
timber, drills, hammers and other assorted building paraphernalia. Tom
has a little yellow foreman's hat and a tool belt on.]
Mike: Oh, hey, Tom, what's going on in here?
Tom: Glad you asked, Mike! Crow and I, after watching about eight hours of
Bob Vila's "Home Again" on the Learning Channel, have decided to
totally renovate the Satellite of Love's layout, in order to maximize
our space and comfort.
Mike: Well, actually, I thought we were pretty comfortable now, what's
with the sudden need for more space?
Tom: [Chuckling] Mike, Mike, Mike.....you just don't understand the WONDERS
of the Vila method. The question isn't *IF* you need space, it's how
you can GET *MORE* space. And the way to "more space" is through
the wonders of MINIMIZATION!
Mike: Hey, like that little button you click on your computer?
Tom: No, no, Mike. Watch Crow and learn from the masters.
[Crow turns around, and we see he has a pair of goggles on.]
Crow: As you can see, Mike, -- hey, Mike, help me pick this thing up, would
you? [Mike picks up a stereo from the floor] Thank you. Now, as I
was saying, as you can see, Mike --
Mike: HEY, that looks suspiciously like my stereo!
Tom: Can't be. The sawdust and lacquer fumes must be giving you delusions.
Crow: ANYWAY, as you can see, Mike, this object here is taking up far too
much space. So, we must naturally condense it to the smallest form
we can possibly manage. If you'll step this way, I'll show you what
I mean.
[Crow walks left, and Mike follows. We see a device that looks
rather like a rock, with "BOB VILA" printed on one side. Attached to the
rock is a rope that goes up and loops into a pulley, and then lays by Crow.]
Crow: If you will, Mike, please place the object requiring minimization
underneath the "Super Deluxe Vila Minimizer Device" (all rights
reserved, naturally) and then I will continue with the demonstration.
Mike: I don't know, Crow, this doesn't seem like --
Tom: Are you doubting the word of the all-knowing Vila???
Mike: Well, no, far be it from me to --
Tom: Then PUT IT UNDER!
Mike: Okay, okay.
[Mike pushes the stereo under the rock.]
Crow: All right, then. And heeeeere we go!
Tom: [Whispering] This is gonna be good.
[Crow pulls the rope, and the rock gets pulled into the air. Crow
RELEASES the rope, and the rock hurtles to the ground, successfully
smashing the stereo flat.]
Mike: MY STEREO!
Crow: And, voila!, we now have a nice, compact stereo system which we
can easily slide into a small cupboard, next to a television, or even
[Looks at the stereo for a moment] between the...pages...of...a...book...
I'M SORRY, MIKE, IT WAS ALL SERVO'S IDEA!!!
Tom: You squealer! If my hands worked, I-I-I-I-I'd...
Mike: Calm down, calm down. [Intervenes between the 'Bots] It was just a
stereo, Crow. And, after all, [Looks into the camera] don't material
possessions really dim in the light of true friendship?
[Touching orchestra music plays for a moment, as Mike looks very
solemn.]
Crow: Oh, good, then you aren't going to mind all the other material
possessions of yours we smashed.
[Mike snaps out of his reverie]
Mike: WHAT?! Crow, when I get my hands on you --
[Light blinks]
Crow: *SAVED* by Fanfic Sign!!!
Mike: I'm gonna get you, Crow, and your little dog, too!

[6...5...4...3...2...1...*]

[Our boys enter the theater]
Crow: Don't be so stressed, Mike. Remember, Shaolin monks go their whole
lives without any possessions of their own!
Tom: Yeah, but they don't have to listen to YOU all the time either, I'm
beginning to envy those monks...

>Red Dawn
>Chapter 4:
>The Sleeper must awaken....

Tom: Father!!!! The Sleeper has awakened!!!!

>or
>Victoria's Not Too Great Adventure
>------------------------------------------------------------------
>-------------

Tom: What's that supposed to be?
Mike: I think it's a bar graph showing the amount of screaming that went
on in the last chapter.

> Ka'rel watched as Victoria ran down the corridor. There was no escape
>down _that_ corridor. Ka'rel knew that she would return. She would be
>there. Waiting.
>
>The Doctor and Jamie stood outside the pyramid watching the servitor
>>robots unloading crates on the red,rocky terrain.
>
>"Doctor,what ye think them robots be doing?"

Tom: Unloading crates, you brainless Scots git.

>"Well,Jamie,it looks as if they be,ah,are getting ready to assemble a
>communications array. A powerful one at that."

Crow: Oh, yess, they're erecting their powerful array, right in the open,
ohhh...

>Jamie nodded. He and the Doctor then continued around to the rear of the
>ship.
>
>"Jamie...help me look for a back door in. It should be somewhat
>hidden,just look for a glyph shaped like an oval."
>
>"A what?"
>
>"A glyph. A carved picture."
>
>"Ah...One of them carvings." Jamie nodded as the Doctor sighed.

Crow: [Doctor] Why couldn't he be the one trapped in the pyramid
with the killer mummies?

>------------------------------------------------------------------
>-------------

Tom: And this is a chart of the number of stupid things Jamie's said in
the last five minutes.

>Victoria ran down the long corridor which seemed to snake it's
>way upwards, and towards the center of the ship. The corridors
>grew darker and darker, and finally,it came to an end in front of
>two massive metal doors. The doors were surrounded by intricate
>carvings,most of them containing pictograms of people riding around
>in flaming chariots casting lightning at people.

Tom: Early "Road Rage."

>Victoria felt an uneasy
>sense of dread coming over her. She frantically began to look for a
>way out. While she was looking,she bumped into the wall,and her elbow
>glanced off of a carving. Suddenly,a rumble came from behind her,and
>a set of doors closed off the passageway. She sat down on the ground
>and began to hug herself.
>
>"I was the Doctor was here."

Crow: So, if she was the Doctor in a previous life, who was here in this
corridor in the past?

>A loud rumbling then began from the massive metal doors. A bright light
>filled the hallway. Victoria stood up. Slowly,she moved past the
>doors,wincing from the brightness of the light.
>
>"Hello....Is there anyone in here?" She stepped into the room. She felt
>something tugging at her,drawing her closer to something. What it was,
>she didn't know. The light was so very bright to her eyes,and it was hard
>to see. The tugging grew stronger and stronger and she slowly lost the
>urge to fight against it. The last thing that she knew of before she passed
>out,was a figure lying in repose on a slab,and she began to scream.

Tom: [Victoria] AAAAAAGH! It's someone lying down!!!!! Help!!!!!!
Mike: So is screaming her default response to any situation?

>------------------------------------------------------------------
>-------------

Mike: Line A, before the Slim-Fast diet, and Line B, after it.

>Jamie motioned for the Doctor.
>
>"Is this what we be looking for?" he asked.

Crow: Word!

>The Doctor nodded. He pressed the carving in and a small access door
>opened up.
>
>"Now Jamie,if I am right,this is an access tunnel leading to the central
>area. If Victoria was captured,she should be there."
>
>The Doctor crawled into the tunnel. Jamie followed suit.
>
>"Eh,close the door,would you Jamie?"
>
>Jamie crawled in and looked puzzledly at the wall.

Tom: [Jamie] Who's Kilroy?

>
>"Press the beetle. The circle with the legs on it." Jamie pressed the
>carving in and the door closed.
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------
>---

Crow: Line, with child.

>INTERLUDE
>
>S'stern was an engineer,like his father before him. He liked to fiddle with
>things.

Crow: That'll grow hair on your palms...

>See what makes them go. S'stern was not a very religious
>Martian.

Tom: What the hell is this, "Dick and Jane's First Book of Alien
Theologies"?

>S'stern grew concerned when reports filtered in of the High Ones' ship
>resting in the Northern Quadrant. He remembered the last time they
>thought a High One had arrived. The small metal creatures that came out
>of the ship seemed to shoot anyone they could find. Then,the plague came.

Tom: Yikes, remind me not to let K-9 visit my house...

>Whoever had made contact with those High Ones certainly gave them a
>bad impression. But S'stern was different. S'Stern sensed that there was
>something more to the universe then they were led to believe. He sensed

Mike: ...That it was made entirely out of cheese.

>that the High Ones weren't so high after all. He knew that there was
>something more to them then met the eye.

Tom: So, they worship the Transformers?

>He smiled at the thought that
>the previous High Ones had given them many new words. The fanatics ran
>through the streets killing people and screaming what they claimed were
>the holy words of the High Ones. He sighed. He guessed that it all was
>just a matter of what you believed in. As he fiddled with the
>contraption,he thought to himself,"I wonder what Exterminate means
>anyways."
>
> END INTERLUDE

Mike: So...three ram-chips to anyone who can tell me what the hell that
had to do with the story.
Tom: Er...
Crow: Uhhh...

>------------------------------------------------------------------
>-------------

Crow: Maybe it's a really bad drawing of Robin Hood's quiver?

>The Doctor and Jamie neared the central chamber. Jamie peered out
>through the grating at the assembled crowd.
>
>"I canna see Victoria anywhere,Doctor."
>
>"No neither can I Jamie. I'm beginning to worry about this." The Doctor
>frowned.

Tom: [Doctor] I think my retinas might have detached completely now.

>One of the servitor robots turned and faced the grating. Ka'rel turned and
>looked as well.
>
>"I think our presence might have been noticed Jamie."

Mike: Gee, what was your first clue?

>"Aye." Jamie began to pull out the knife.
>
>Ka'rel glanced at a robot and it began to lumber towards the grating. The
>Doctor looked at Jamie and gave him that "put the knife away" look. Jamie
>sighed. No fighting today. The robot opened the grate.
>
>"Come out. I've known you've been there for some time natives."
>
>The Doctor and Jamie stepped out,hands raised.
>
>"We're looking for a friend of ours. She's about this tall,this wide,brown
>hair,tends to scream a lot." The Doctor gestured Victoria's height and
>weight.

Mike: Or else he was referring to a midget freight train.

>"You will be happy to know that your friend _was_ here. But no longer.

Tom: Well, God knows the thought of her not being her anymore makes
*me* happy...

>She is with Kohentan now." Ka'rel shuddered at his name.
>
>Ka'rel moved over next to the Doctor and Jamie looking them over.
>
>"You are not like the others... Ka'rin,take these two to the holding
>room."
>
>She motioned one of the others over. Suddenly,a light filled the room.
>
>"STOP!" boomed into the room.

Mike: [Victoria] STOP! IN THE NAME OF LOVE! BEFORE YOU BREAK MY
HEART!

>The Doctor and Jamie perked up when they heard the voice. Ka'rel
>shuddered. It had come from _that_ corridor. Jamie and the Doctor turned
>to look and there,dressed in the finest Osirian clothing was Victoria.
>
>"Ah...Victoria,there you are..."
>
>"BE SILENT. From this moment forward,your life is forfeit. You have
>invaded a ship of the Osirian Empire."

Crow: Uh-oh, it's *that* time of the month again...

>"But,Victoria,we were looking for..." Jamie was struck down by a blast of
>pure mental energy. The Doctor stared at her. "Do not move." cautioned
>Ka'rel. "For you are now in the presence of the great Kohentan." A
>possesed Victoria stared down and the Doctor and Jamie.

Mike: Er...stared up.

>"And for disobeying the will of Kohentan,there is only _one_ punishment.
>Death. Take them away." she turned and walked back down the hallway.

Mike: Yep...she's PMS'ing, big time.

>The Doctor looked frantically around as a woozy Jamie pulled himself off
>the floor. They were surrounded. The enslaved Martians closed in on
>them,driven by the Ka'baa pilot's willpower. The others ordered the
>servitors to close in as well. The Doctor clutched Jamie as they closed in.

Tom: [Jamie] Yes, Doctor, hold me close...if this is our last moment on
Earth, I want it to be with you...

>"Oh my word." said the Doctor.
>
>
>Red Dawn - Chapter 5
>Diplomatic Immunity Syndrome
>by Ian McIntire
>
>Ka'kel scanned her captives carefully.

Crow: K-Tel? She going to offer 'em a recording contract or something?

>Perhaps Warder of UnEnhanced
>Natives wasn't the most glorious job that she could have possessed, but
>the position tended to allow Ka'baa to live longer than normally. And
>whatever the job, she knew she was lucky to be in the service of the
>great Osirans.
>
>This lot was a particularly unattractive bunch, with greenish-brown
>scales covering large, bulky bodies. Why couldn't more races have the
>smooth blue plumage of the Ka'baa?

Crow: The Ka'baa'baa, ka'baa'baa'ran! Ka'baa'baa, ka'baa'baa'ran!

>Her attention was caught by one of the natives fiddling with a console
>on one of the walls.
>
>"You! Native! Stop." With a small section of her mind, she sent one
>of the servitors to cease the native's meddling. One of the other
>natives watched the lumbering robot approach, and began to show signs
>of agitation. Before the robot had gotten halfway to the native,
>(*Must remember to suggest modification of servitors to increase
>speed*) its fellow had pulled it away from the machinery, emitting a
>series of hisses. The translation warbled in Ka'kel's ear;

'Bots: [Whistle bird song]

>"Come on,
>Ssturn. Plenty of time for that later, provided we don't get crushed
>now." Ka'kel stopped the servitor, but chose to keep it nearby in case
>the natives attempted more sabotage. There was probably nothing to
>worry about. The natives probably couldn't even read the sign that was
>set over the console, "Hostile Boarder Repeller."

Mike: Right next to the "Bad Guy Stinger Music" button, no doubt.

>
>Initiative was a rare quality among the Ka'baa.
>
>**************
>
>Jamie staggered to his feet, only to be met by a pair of mummies
>waddling toward him. The Doctor stood nearby, muttering under his
>breath "Kahentan... Kohenten."

Tom: Potato, Potahto, Tomato, Tomahto...

>"Crush them where they stand!" shouted what seemed to be the leader of
>the bluish aliens, while Victoria stood motionless and cruel-faced.
>The mummies advanced.
>
>"Wait!" called the Doctor. Jamie could practically see the wheels
>turning in his friend's head as he tried to improvise a way out of this
>mess. "We are... messengers!" the Doctor called. One of the mummies
>threw its arms around Jamie's torso, and he could feel the beast's
>hydraulic muscles tighten around his chest. "From Phaester Osiris!"
>yelled the Doctor, in a similar situation with a different mummy.
>
>"STOP!" Victoria commanded.

Mike: IN THE NAME OF LOVE!
Crow: BEFORE YOU BREAK MY HEART!
Tom: Or at least crush my rib-cage...

>The pressure against his rib cage stopped
>increasing, but the mummy's iron grip didn't slacken in the least.
>Through the bleariness of tears,

Crow: Jamie's a brawny, but sensitive Highlander.

>Jamie watched the blur that he knew to
>be Victoria (or at least whatever had possession of Victoria) stride
>down the steps. "Phaester Osiris?" she asked.
>
>All the Doctor seemed to be able to do in response was gasp for more
>breath. "Release them." The mummies dropped the Doctor and Jamie
>gracelessly to the ground, and the pair greedily sucked air into their
>lungs.

Tom: Mm, smell that dessicated tomb air!

>
>"You will explain," Victoria demanded. Jamie still couldn't understand
>how Victoria's voice could sound so different: perhaps being possessed
>by an alien somehow affects the vocal cords.
>
>"Well... it's quite simple... really," the Doctor spluttered between
>gasps for breath. "Who would dare to invade a ship of the Osiran
>empire if they didn't have a reason to be there? That would just get
>them killed. Personally, if I didn't have a reason for being here, I'd
>probably stay as far away as possible. Wouldn't you, Jamie?"
>
>Jamie was confused only for a second. He quickly realized that the
>Doctor was just bluffing for time, and would need Jamie to corroborate
>his story. "A-aye," he answered.

Mike: [Janeway] It's not crunchtime, mister!
Tom: Don't do that!

>
>"In any event, we've come from Phaester Osiris with an important
>message." The Doctor stopped, looking for all the world as if he was
>waiting for some sort of reaction from the assembled Ka'baa.

Mike: Come on, one of you must have the next page of the script, right?

>**************
>
>Sskrantz tried to divide his attention between his compatriot and the
>rather imposing looking robot that had previously been headed in their
>direction.

Mike: Between the two, I'd rather check out Gort any day.

>While the robot hadn't moved since Ssturn had stopped
>fiddling with the control panel, Ssturn himself had been steadily
>edging closer and closer to the panel that had held his attention
>earlier.

Crow: Who woulda thought the spin cycle could be so fascinating?

>
>The pair still hadn't seen any other Martians, and they still didn't
>know where Victoria had gone, so Ssturn had occupied himself with an
>examination of the High Ones' technology.

Tom: And so the terrible "Gigapet plague" was released...

>
>"Ssturn!" Sskrantz whispered. "Get away from there! I don't think the
>High Ones will be very grateful if we break something."
>
>"Well, we're in a completely new environment. Maybe the high ones put
>this here for us to use in some way. They can't really blame us, can
>they? We're still finding our feet."

Mike: They've been running around on bloody stumps? Ewww!

>
>The robot lurched to life again.
>
>"I think we should concentrate on not losing our heads!" The servitor
>resumed its threatening stride toward the Martians, while Ssturn
>remained oblivious to the danger.
>
>**************
>
>"What is it?" asked Victoria - or rather, Kohentan.
>
>"What is what?" The Doctor frowned, a look of confusion crossing his
>face.

Crow: Tofu. It's not exactly vegetable, it's not meat...what is it?

>"Your message." Kohentan emphasized both words.
>
>"Er... we don't have it."
>
>Kohentan raised an eyebrow and gestured to one of the nearby servitors.
>"Why not?" the Osiran asked impatiently.
>
>"We... well, I... it's..." the Doctor stammered, searching desperately
>for an excuse.

Tom: It's pining for the fjords!

>"It's in the TARDIS!" Jamie shouted.
>
>"Yes! The TARDIS!" The Doctor audibly sighed with relief.
>
>"Aye, and you've got one 'a these beasties guarding the door, so we
>canna get inside."
>
>Victoria stared at what seemed to be the leader of the blue aliens.
>The leader stood still, and silence covered the room.

Tom: [Victoria] This Jamie person is dumber than I remembered...

>"Perhaps, if you could see fit to removing it...." The Doctor had been
>inching closer and closer to Kohentan, trying to get a closer look at
>the effect that possession was having on Victoria's body.

Crow: Or possibly just getting a closer look *at* Victoria's body...

>"KA'REL!" Kohentan shouted,

Mike: [Kohentan] WHERE IS BUR'NET?

Continued in Part 3...

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