REPOST: MiSTed - Magazine Spam (4/4)
Bill Livingston
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This post has been altered from it's original form. Duh!
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>PASSION
>PASSION FOR MEN
CROW: Hey! There's no passion for women here!
MIKE: That's what you think.
CROW: Oh, yuck!
MIKE: Hah! You can dish it out, but you can't take it!
>PC COMPUTING
>PC GAMER
>PC GAMES
>PC KIDS
MIKE: It's such a beautiful day out, Timmy, why don't you take your
laptop and modem outside to hack?
>PC LAPTOP
>PC MAGAZINE
>PC NOVICE
>PC TODAY
>PC WORLD
>PC WORLD LOTUS EDITION
>PC WORLD MULTI MEDIA EDITION
SERVO: [mumbles]
CROW: [smugly] Yeah, I know Tommy boy, only 3 Mac magazines, and a dozen
or so PC mags, *but* whaddaya gonna do?
SERVO: Takes that many just to explain how to boot!
CROW: What are you insinuating?
MIKE: Guys, guys - at least it's not a WinMacSun Nexmiga (r)!
SERVO: True
CROW: Yeah
>PCM
>PENNSYLVANIA SPORTSMAN
>PENTHOUSE
>PENTHOUSE LETTERS
SERVO: Dear Penthouse, I never beleived your letters, but when I visited
the cereal aisle of Kroger's, I had no idea...
MIKE: I'm not going to have trouble with you, too, am I?
CROW: E-E-H-N-O-P-S-T-U
MIKE: What?
CROW: They're the Penthouse letters, alphabetized
MIKE: [sighs, puts head in hands ] I've got a headache this big, and it's
got BOTS written all over it!
>PEOPLE
MIKE: [sings] People who need poeple
>PET DEALER
>PHILADELPHIA
SERVO: Starring Tom Hanks & Denzel Washington
>PHOENIX HOME & GARDEN
>PHOTOGRAPH COLLECTOR
>PHOTOGRAPHIC
>PINHEAD (COMIC)
CROW: Gallagher
>PLANE & PILOT
>PLASTIC CANVAS
>PLASTIC CANVAS & MORE
>PLASTIC CANVAS WORLD
SERVO: I never knew there was so much interest in plastic canvas.
MIKE: There's a whole world of plastic canvas out there!
>PLAYBOY
>PLAYGIRL
>PLAYTHINGS
CROW: Well, that pretty well covers the field
>POCKET CROSSWORD PUZZLES
>POLO
>POPULAR COMMUNICATIONS
CROW: The telephone
>POPULAR ELECTRONICS
SERVO: CD player
>POPULAR HOT RODDING
MIKE: Oh, um, NASCAR
>POPULAR MECHANICS
CROW: Um, Cooter, from "The Duke of Hazzard"
SERVO: Iffy, but we'll take it
>POPULAR PHOTOGRAPHY
SERVO: Sports Illustarted Swimsuit Edition
>POPULAR SCIENCE
MIKE: "Beakman's World"
>POPULAR WOODWORKING
CROW: Ethan Allan
>PORTABLE COMPUTING
>POST SCRIPT
>POST SCRIPTS: ESSAYS IN FILM & THE HUMANITIES
>POWDER
MIKE: If you get this magazine, try to keep it dry
>POWER & MOTOR YACHT
>PRACTICAL HORSEMAN
>PREMIERE
>PRESENT TENSE
SERVO: Is
>PREVENTION
>PRIVATE PILOT
>PRO FOOTBALL WEEKLY
>PROGRESSIVE
>PROGRESSIVE FARMER
>PROTESTANT DELUXE BIBLE
MIKE: Order now and get a *free* eleventh commandment!
CROW: It oughtta be "Thou shalt not cross-post hugely insipid magazine ads"
>PROTESTANT FAMILY BIBLE
CROW: When exactly did the Bible become a "popular USA mag"?
>PSYCHOLOGY TODAY
>PUBLISH
MIKE: Or perish
>PULSE
>PUNISHER 2099 (COMIC)
>PUNISHER (COMIC)
>PUNISHER WAR JOURNAL (COMIC)
>PUNISHER WAR ZONE (COMIC)
CROW: Never knew Dolph Lundgren was this popular
>QUASAR (COMIC)
MIKE: By Motorola©
>QUICK & EASY CRAFTS
>QUICK & EASY CROCHET
>QUICK & EASY NEEDLECRAFT
>QUICK & EASY PLASTIC CANVAS
SERVO: Say, it *is* everywhere!
>QUICK & EASY QUILTING
CROW: Make money "Quick and Easy"
>QUILT WORLD
>QUILTER'S NEWSLETTER
>QUILTER'S TREASURY
>QUILTER'S TREASURY
>QUILTING INTERNATIONAL
>QUILTMAKER
MIKE: I think the quilt people and the plastic canvas people ought to
have a jihad
>RAILROAD MODEL CRAFTSMAN
>RAPPAGES
>RAPPORT
>RAVAGE 2099 (COMIC)
>REAL PEOPLE
CROW: Would never fall for this sort of thing
MIKE: I really miss Skip Stephenson
>REALTY MAGAZINE
>REDBOOK
MIKE: The magazine for Maoists
>REMINISCE
>REN & STIMPY (COMIC)
SERVO: [Ren] You EEDIOT!! You BLOATED SACK of PROTOPLASM!!!
CROW: [Stimpy] Gee, sorry, Ren!
>RETIREMENT INCOME NEWSLETTER
>RIDER
>RIGHT ON
CROW: What it is!
>RIP
MIKE: Torn
CROW: Taylor
SERVO: Off
>ROAD RIDER
>ROAD & TRACK
>ROBB REPORT
CROW: He & Laura are fine, but Morey Amsterdam's down 6 in heavy trading.
>ROCK & GEM
>ROD & CUSTOM
>ROLLING STONE
MIKE: [singing] Oy! If you start me up, if you start me up I'll never stop!
CROW: It'll make a grown man cry
SERVO: I'm still bummed out they let them use that song
CROW: Hey, if they came along and threw twelve million at me, I'd let them
use practically anything of mine they wanted!
>RUNNER'S WORLD
>RUNNING TIMES
>RURAL BUILDER
>S.W.A.T.
ALL: WockachickaWockachickaWockachickaWockachicka -
>SABERTOOTH CLASSICS (COMIC)
>SADDLE & BRIDE
MIKE: That's *gotta* be a typo!
CROW: I don't know, I think it would be kinda neat!
>SAIL
>SAILING
SERVO: [singing] takes me away to where I wanna be
>SAILING WORLD
>SALTWATER SPORTSMAN
>SAN DIEGO HOME & GARDEN
>SAN DIEGO MAGAZINE
>SAN FRANCISCO
>SASSY
SERVO: [falsetto] That Joey Lawrence is the bestest...
CROW: [ditto] Oh, get out, he's *so* 5 minutes ago. Zachary Ty Bryan is
*my* dream date!
>SATELLITE TV PRE-VUE
>SATELLITE TV WEEK
>SATURDAY EVENING POST
>SAVAGE SWORD OF CONAN (COMIC)
SERVO: [Ahnold] Ah'll be back!
>SCHOLASTIC COACH
>SCHOOL & COLLEGE
>SCIENCE LIBRARY
>SCIENCE NEWS
>SCIENCE OF MIND
SERVO: Tonight, on "It's the Mind," we examine deja vu, the phenomenon of
feeling that you've done something before
>SCIENCES
SERVO: Tonight, on "It's the Mind," we examine deja vu, the phenomenon of
feeling that you've done something before
>SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN
>SCUBA DIVING
>SCUBA TIMES
>SEA MAGAZINE
>SECRET DEFENDERS (COMIC)
MIKE: [stage whisper] We just saved the world, but don't tell anyone!
CROW & SERVO: Sh-h-h-h-h-hh!!!
>SELF
CROW: Ah, a magazine for the inwardly-directed!
>SESAME STREET
>SEVENTEEN
>SEVENTY-THREE AMATEUR RADIO
SERVO: [singing] on the big parade, and 110 cornets close behind
>SEW NEWS
>SEYBOLD REPORT ON DESKTOP PUBLISHING
MIKE: And now, the Seybold Report on Desktop Publishing, with your host,
Crow T. Seybold
CROW: It's fun. Bite me.
>SHAPE
CROW: In Tom's case. it's fireplug, heh-heh-heh.
SERVO: I wouldn't talk, you tin-plated grasshopper!
>SHOOTING TIMES
>SHOP TALK
MIKE: KMart
CROW: Wal-Mart
SERVO: Target
MIKE: Safeway
CROW: Krogers
SERVO: Lucky's
>SHORT STORY INTERNATIONAL
>SHOW BIZ / CASTING NEWS
CROW: And now, Brad Pitt goes flyfishing
MIKE: Did you see a river running through here?
>SHOW BIZ NEWS/MODEL NEWS
SERVO: This issue, Charlie Sheen builds the Revco A-10 Warthog
CROW: Charlie Sheen *is* an A-10 Warthog
>SHOWBOATS INTERNATIONAL
>SIDEKICKS
CROW: Oh God, not the movie!
MIKE: Anyone who'd put Chuck Norris *and* Joe Piscopo in the same film is
a sick, sick, sick person!
>SIDEKICKS SOCCER
>SILVER SABLE (COMIC)
>SILVER SURFER (COMIC)
MIKE: Silver Polish (Comic)
CROW: Hey, don't be messing with Norrin Rad!
>SIMPLY CROSS STITCH
>SKATEBOARDING
>SKI
>SKIING
>SKIN DIVER
>SKIN & INK
CROW: I'm assuming this is some sort of tattoo publication?
MIKE: That, or it's a *really* bizarre companion to the Seybold Report
on Desktop Publishing.
>SMITHSONIAN
>SNOW COUNTRY
>SNOW GOER
>SNOW WEEK
>SNOWBOARDING
>SNOWMOBILE
MIKE: Snow Job
>SOAP OPERA DIGEST
SERVO: Ah, the magazine for those who don't actually have time to follow
the same plot over and over and over
>SOAP OPERA MAGAZINE
>SOAP OPERA STARS
>SOCCER AMERICA
>SOCCER DIGEST
>SOCCER INTERNATIONAL
ALL: GO-O-O-O-O-O-O-OALLLLLL!!!
>SOUNDINGS
>SOUTH FLORIDA
>SOUTHERN ACCENTS
SERVO: [Foghorn Leghorn] Now wait, ah say, wait a minute theah, son, that
theah contraption a'yores'll nevah, ah say, nevah work!
CROW: That's not a *real* southern accent is it?
MIKE: It's just what people in California *think* a real southern accent
sounds like
>SOUTHERN BOATING
>SOUTHERN HOMES
>SOUTHERN LIVING
>SOUTHERN OUTDOORS
>SPACE NEWS
SERVO: A huge megastellar cluster in the A277 galaxy erupted today, killing
trillions of sentient life forms. Observers expect this to have little
or no effect on OJ Simpson.
>SPECIAL EVENTS
>SPECIAL SITUATIONS REPORT
>SPECIALTY CAR
MIKE: Knight Rider!
>SPECTACULAR SPIDERMAN (COMIC)
>SPIDERMAN 2099 (COMIC)
>SPIDERMAN CLASSIC (COMIC)
>SPIDERMAN (COMIC)
CROW: He does whatever a spider can.
>SPIN
>SPORT
>SPORT DIVER
>SPORT FISHING
SERVO: Is fishing really a sport? I mean,how sedentary can you get,
waiting for a creature with the brain the size of a chick pea to
eat a worm!
>SPORT RIDER
>SPORT TRUCK
CROW: Well, Tommy, there's you a sport to beat even fishing - truck pulls!
>SPORTING CLASSICS
>SPORTING NEWS
>SPORTS AFIELD
MIKE: Hearts Afire
CROW: Arms Akimbo
SERVO: Times A-wastin'
>SPORTS CARD TRADER
>SPORTS COLLECTORS DIGEST
>SPORTS ILLUSTRATED
ALL: Swimsuits! Woo! Where's the swimsuit edition?
>SPORTS ILLUSTRATED FOR KIDS
>SPORTSWEAR INTERNATIONAL
>SPOTLIGHT
CROW: on Neil Diamond!
>STAR
>STAR TREK (COMIC)
MIKE: [as Shatner] MILLIONS... ofPEOPLE... whohaveneverSUBSCRIBEDbefore...
wilbeSPAMMED!
>STAR TREK : THE NEXT GENERATION (COMIC)
SERVO: [as Patrick Stewart] Really, Number One, who would fall for such
senseless drivel as this magazine sub- Number One, is there a copy of
"Sport Truck" under your seat?
>STARLOG
>STEREO REVIEW
>STITCH 'N SEW QUILTS
>STOCK CAR RACING
>STONE SOUP
CROW: [as Mr. Food] Add a little granite, some crushed limetsone, just a
pinch of basalt, and serve, mmmm, it's so good!
>STORY
>STUDIO USA
>STYLE TRENDS
>SUCCESS
>SUCCESSFUL RETIREMENT
MIKE: I'm guessing that's when you can collect Social Security, but don't
need to.
>SUNBONNET CRAFTS
>SUNSET
SERVO: With Bruce Willis
>SUPER CHEVY
CROW: It's a Ford, it's a Dodge, it's - SUPER CHEVY!
>SUPER COMPUTING REVIEW
>SUPER CYCLE
CROW: It's a Honda, it's a Harley, it's - SUPER CYCLE!!
>SUPER FORD
CROW: It's a Chrysler, it's a Nissan, it's -
MIKE: Thank you, Crow, we get the picture
>SUPER NES BUYERS GUIDE
>SUPER STOCK & DRAG ILLUSTRATED
>SUPERCYCLE
>SUPERMAN - MAN OF STEEL (COMIC)
CROW: It's a bird, it's a plane -
MIKE: Crow!
CROW: But it's the real thing this time!
>SURFER
>SURFING
>SURPRISES
>SWAP USA
>SWAT
ALL: WockachickaWockachickaWockachickaWockachicka -
MIKE: Uh, didn't we just -
SERVO: Tonight, on "It's the Mind," we examine deja vu, the phenomenon of
feeling that you've done something before
>T-SHIRT RETAILER
>TAMPA BAY CAREER GUIDE (WITH UPDATES)
>TASTE OF HOME
SERVO: I like the living room, with a bearnaise sauce and some crumbled
scallions
CROW: Too fancy. I just slap a hall closet and a slice of jack between
pumpernickel and have a nice home & cheese sammich
>TAX HOTLINE
>TCI
CROW: The evil cable company TCI?
ALL: BOO!
>TEACHING PRE K-8
>TECHNOLOGY & LEARNING
>TEDDY BEAR REVIEW
CROW: Have we gotten as much mileage out of the "review" thing as we can?
MIKE: Pretty much, I'd say.
>TEEN
>TEEN BEAT
SERVO: Formerly "Christina Crawford Monthly"
>TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES (COMIC)
CROW: They're heroes in a half-shell, ya know
>TEK WORLD (COMIC)
MIKE: [Shatner] theBOOK... thatPROVES... williamshatnercanWRITE...
almostasWELL... ashecanACT!!!!
>TENNIS
>TEXAS FISH & GAME
>TEXAS GARDENER
>THE SCIENCES
>THEATRE CRAFTS
MIKE: I loved their article, "How to build your own Andrew Lloyd Weber".
>THEOLOGY TODAY
>THOR (COMIC)
>THREADS
>THREE-TWO-ONE CONTACT
>THUNDERSTRIKE (COMIC)
>TIME
MIKE: 3:14 PM
CROW: Everyone who did *not* see that one coming at the beginning of
this post, please raise your hands.
>TODAY'S CATHOLIC TEACHER
>TODAY'S CHRISTIAN WOMAN
>TOLE WORLD
CROW: Now what's this?
SERVO: [British] I've tole you once.
CROW: [ditto] No you haven't
SERVO: I most certainly did
CROW: No you didn't!
SERVO: I'm afraid I did
CROW: Look... [MIKE whaps tham both on the head]
CROW & SERVO: WAAAHH!
MIKE: Better!
>TOTAL HEALTH
>TOURING AMERICA
>TOWN & COUNTRY
>TOY SHOP
>TRACK & FIELD NEWS
>TRADING CARDS
MIKE: Okay, I'll give you an American Greetings "Get Well Soon" and "Happy
Birthday to a Big 7-year old" for your Hallmark Shoebox "3 Scrooges"
Christmas Card
>TRADITIONAL HOME
>TRADITIONAL QUILTER
>TRAILER BOATS
>TRAILER LIFE
>TRANSFORMERS GENERATION 2 (COMIC)
MIKE: [singing] Still more than meets the eye
SERVO: That kind of fits with Trailer Life, don't it? See cause they're,
like, living and stuff, and...
>TRANSWORLD SKATEBOARDING
CROW: Space travel on skateboards? *Cool!*
MIKE: I love technology!
>TRAPPER & PREDATOR CALLER
SERVO: [sarcasm overload] Ooh, I want to go out and lure a bunch of big,
mean, scary predators towards me! Ooh, sign me up for just *tons* of
that fun!
MIKE: [whispering] Why does he do that?
CROW: [ditto] We tried to breed it out of him, but it didn't work
>TRAVEL 50 & BEYOND
>TRAVEL AMERICA
>TRAVEL HOLIDAY
>TRAVEL & LEISURE
>TRAVELAMERICA
MIKE: They must be going FTL, 'cause they met themselves coming back.
CROW: Hey, they were in such a hurry to go, they left out the word spacing
SERVO: Tonight, on "It's the Mind," -
MIKE & CROW: LAME!!
>TREASURE
>TRIATHLETE
>TRUE DETECTIVE
>TRUE STORY
>TU
MIKE: Tu?
SERVO: Two
CROW: To Tu
SERVO: Too two to tu
>TURKEY & TURKEY HUNTING
>TURTLE
MIKE: Are you a turtle?
SERVO: You
CROW: You bet
SERVO: You bet your
CROW: You bet your sweet
CROW & SERVO: [singing] You. Bet. Your. Sweet.
ALL: ASK ME AGAIN IF I'M A TURTLE!!
>TV CROSSWORDS
>TV HOST
SERVO: That would be David or Jay or Conan
CROW: As opposed to TV Parasites, such as Ricki or Geraldo or Richard Bey
>TV Y NOVELAS (PUERTO RICO)
>TV Y NOVELAS (USA)
>TWINS
CROW: Starring Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzeneggar
>UNCANNY X-MEN (COMIC)
MIKE: Hey, how, exactly, do you get to be "uncanny"?
SERVO: Break your can opener?
MIKE: D'OH!
>UNDERWATER USA
>UNIQUE HAIR & BEAUTY
>UNIQUE HOMES
>US AVIATOR
>US CATHOLIC
>US MAGAZINE
>US NEWS & WORLD REPORT
CROW: Hey, they missed a bunch of US to USA conversions
>USA TODAY
MIKE: The answer to the question, "What's black and white and red and blue
and green and purple all over?"
>UTNE READER
CROW: Formerly, "Random Letter Generator Weekly"
>VACATIONS
>VANIDADES
>VANITY FAIR
CROW: Oh I like that. I enjoy riding the self-delusional bumper cars!
SERVO: I enjoy the ego-go-round; it lets everything revolve around me!
>VARIATIONS (PENTHOUSE)
CROW: Well, I guess...
MIKE: Not a word!
>VARIETY (WEEKLY)
>VEGETARIAN TIMES
>VEGGIE LIFE
SERVO: With the powerful expose, "Green Like Me".
>
>and many, many more!!!
SERVO: WHAT! We don't get to see the W's, X's, Y's, or Z's? What a gyp!
CROW: Yeah!
>
>Once you get in, you'll love them. I do.
SERVO: I love everybody! Don't you love me? Love me. Please. Love me,
I beg of you.
> For more info, just fill out the
>form near the top of this message
MIKE: Which we saw several years ago
> and email it to their email address
>shown there.
SERVO: Let's e-mail it to her, instead.
MIKE: Oh, well, she won't read it, she's much too busy!
CROW: Yeah, she's probably in the middle of her monthly "Finland and back"
move
>
>Thanks,
ALL: For nothing!
>
>Susan Loring
ALL: Bye, Susan!
SERVO: C'mon let's scram!
O <2> |3| {4} [5] (6)
[SOL - Mike & the Bots are standing at the counter, each with a magazine
in front of them]
SERVO: Y'know, I wonder if anybody actually falls for this magazine
subscription stuff
CROW: Never mind the subscription scam, *I* gotta wonder about what kind
of people read some of these rags!
MIKE: Well, just because you're a member of a tiny niche group doesn't mean
you should be denied the chance to see your avocation in glossy full-
color 64-page print.
CROW: I think it means that some people will buy anything!
SERVO: Which is why we've developed our own "USA Mags"
CROW: Yeah. Mine, ah, Mike, if you would, [Mike holds up Crow's magazine,
which has a picture of the "Lost in Space" robot on the cover] mine is
"Bot World", dedicated to all those hard-working robots out there who
need a forum of their own. This issue features a shocking expose, as
the "Lost in Space" bot reveals his decade-long affair with June
Lockhart [switches to Dr.Smith voice] Oh, the pain, the pain!
MIKE: And, uh, you have one too, right Tom?
SERVO: Yep! Would you do the honors? [Mike holds it up to reveal a picture
of Tom on the cover]. It's the debut issue of "ME" magazine, the magazine
for, by and about - ME! All ME, all the time! Soon, the ME media blitz
will begin, and the public will be saturated with images and soundbites
of - ME! Move over, Madonna, the new king of media is - ME!!
MIKE: Sounds like we need to adjust the old ego subroutine there, Tom.
Gypsy?
GYPSY: [comes on and deposits a magazine in Mike's arms. He holds it up
and shows a picture of the SOL on the cover] "Better Satellites and
Gardens". This issue, 101 ways to brighten those rickety load pan bays.
MIKE: Well, that's nice, Gyps.
CROW: I like the one with the little paper mache' Richard Baseharts
MIKE: Give 'em the info, Tom.
SERVO: Oh, OK. [announcer] To join the MiSTing Authors Dibs List, send an
e-mail message to majo...@neylonpc.engin.umich.edu with the message
"subscribe dibslist [<your name>]" in the message body. Be sure to read
the MiSTing Guidelines, described in the FAQ, and remember, the best
MiSTings feature - ME!!!
CROW: Sure, Tom, whatever you say. [to Mike] What kind of mag you have
there, Mikey bo?
MIKE: Oh, well, mine is called "Temp Tales of Terror". [Holds it up to
reveal a picture of Dr.F in a typically evil pose on the cover] My
feature article is "How I was shot into space to become a helpless
guineau pig in the plan of an evil, sick, twisted, loveless scientist!!"
CROW: Ah
MIKE: It's fiction.
GYPSY: Oh
MIKE: You call him, I'm bitter!
SERVO: What'd you think?
[D13 - The Trollmeister box is a melted slag heap. From the door comes
the sound of a very large, very angry mob pounding away. Forrester pokes
his head up from the console below]
DR.F: [whispering] I can't really talk right now. It seems that my little
trolling device backfired - the Deep 13 postmaster cancelled my account
after I received 849,227 flame posts in 30 minutes, and, uh, several
newsgroups have declared Jihad on me. Even the Star Trek and Babylon 5
people have joined forces in order to - [The door bursts open,and people
begin pouring through - some wearing green lab coats and fright wigs,
some wearing TOS or TNG or B5 uniforms, some with kilts, or Wolverine
costumes or whatever. All head straight for Forrester] Gottagobye!
[FWOOSH!!!]
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MiSTING OF "FREE 1yr MagazineSub etc.": by Bill Livingston
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LUNCH: by Pizza Hut
SPACE: The Final Frontier
THANKS: to MiSTies, MuSTies, the teachers of America, the authors of all the
Amendments (except the 22nd), and the publishers of "USA Mags" everywhere.
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are
trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved.
No infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best
Brains, Inc. (or others) is intended or should be inferred.
No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are or
should be implied; impersonal ones are allowed, as long as the proper forms
are filled out!
Keep circulating the posts.
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>The owner thinks of his service as a "club" and his clients as "members"
>(even though there is no extra fee to become a member - your first purchase
>automatically makes you a member) and he is real picky about who he accepts
>as a new member.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
bi...@Traveller.COM http:\\www.Traveller.COM\~bill
Best if Used by Date on Label