A Grand Slam MiSTing (4/4)
Bill Livingston
All: Hi, Stephen!
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: NEW OCC
Tom: You down with OCC?
Crow: Yeah, you know me.
> Oklahoma Command 1/1 [G]
>Organization: Alt.StarTrek.Creative Virtual Staff Office
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Mike: The tale of Ali Baba and the Forty Agents.
Tom: Nah, that'd be in the X-Files fanfic group.
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Mike: Pst! Hey buddy! C'mere! Wanna buy some Star Trek fanfic?
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Tom: Oh Fab! We're glad! There's lemon-freshened Borax (c) in you!
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>Status: O
>
Crow: As in "Oh dear Lord, not another one!"
>Title: Oklahoma Command
Tom: Wind - come sweeping down the plains! Make it so!
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
Crow: Finally, a return to sanity.
[pause]
Crow: I didn't *really* just say that, did I?
Tom: Sweet Baby Torgo, what's happened to our value system?
Mike: We got hit with 444, Benson in Space, and Tee-Tea City.
>Series: OCC,
Mike: Ah, it's a crossover with that hip new series on Fox.
> USS Oklahoma
>Rating: [G]
Crow: Whew!! No skinny dipping Marrissa this time around!
>Part: 1/1
>Summary: The tale of two Captains as they approach their new command.
>
Mike: The captains are now 1250 meters away. The captains are now 1225 meters
away. The captains are now 1210 meters away - but they've stopped to
let one of them tie his shoe. The captains are now 1180 meters away...
>
>Star Fleet is a large organization,
Tom: One whose mission statement includes a quality approach to customer-
oriented impacts.
> but it has only one job,
Crow: Oddly enough, that job is door repairman.
> one post, which
>captures the imagination.
Tom: And won't let it go - ever.
Mike: But enough about Rick Berman.
> Commanding, USS Enterprise, USS Voyager, USS
>Infinity, USS Excelsior, USS Excaliber, it matters not the name of the ship,
Crow: Although the captains of the USS Titanic and the USS Lusitania were
somewhat bummed out.
>though some are more sought after than others, it is the adventures of those who
>climb to the heights of Starship Command
Tom: Ship climbing, my friends - ship climbing.
> that we lust after.
Crow: That and the adventures of those who climb into a shuttlecraft full of
nubile Starfleet Academy co-eds.
Tom: *bwow-chicka-bwow-BWOW*
> Occasionally
>another job will catch our attention,
Crow: Which is how Mike wound up here.
Mike: Thanks for poking my still-bleeding wound there, Crow.
Crow: Anytime.
> but we all want to sit in the center of a
>starship's bridge.
>
Tom: Because there's an awesome WiFi bleedover spot there.
>Nearly every day in the Federation, someone is probably taking command of a
>starship.
Crow: Hey Roy, it's Bubba. I can't make in to the Gas'n'Munch today, I gotta
go take command of a starship.
> It may be for the first time, or it may be moving up to a better
>command.
Tom: Or it just may be a recalcitrant Admiral who got busted in rank after
stealing his old ship for a personal vendetta and getting it blown up.
> They are the lucky ones, the ones who have the chance to inspire us
>through their adventures and explorations.
Mike: The ones approved by central casting.
Crow: Yet Bakula slipped through.
Mike: Well, no system's perfect.
> The moments before they take command
>are ones that we gloss over.
Crow: Mainly because they're really *boring* moments.
> We want to be boldly going where no one has gone
>before.
Mike: Sheboygan!
> We don't think of what might be going through those minds, petty or grand.
Tom: That's because we have - what is they're called?
Crow: Lives.
Tom: Yeah, those.
>Those moments are here. We present two Captains on the day they take command of
>the USS Oklahoma.
>
Mike: Can two divorced captains share command of a starship without driving
each other crazy?
[Tom & Crow hum theme to "The Odd Couple"]
>* * * * *
>
>The Oklahoma's Third Commanding Officer:
Crow: What happened to the first two?
Mike: Shh! People who ask questions like that don't last long in Starfleet!
>Captain Ghazi Fahim (cmdg. 2363-2371)
Tom: Well, I say ghazi for him, too.
>
>
>Captain Ghazi Fahim was in a shuttle approaching his new command.
Mike: No matter how much he begged and pleaded, they wouldn't let him out.
> It was an
>Ambassador Class Starship, the Oklahoma. That had not been what he'd expected.
Bots: NO ONE EXPECTS THE OKLAHOMA STARSHIP!!!!
>It was his third command.
Crow: His first two had been "Roll Over" and "Shake".
> He'd commanded the Frigate Bahamut
Tom: o/` Who let da dogs out? Hoo! Hoohoohoo! o/`
> for his first
>command. It was small, but that was expected in a first command.
Mike: Yeah, I mean it's nothing to be ashamed of. A lot of captains get small
commands from time to time.
Crow: Sure, it's just performance anxiety.
> After five
>years, he'd been promoted to command an Excelsior,
Tom: So face front, true believers!
> the Vigorous. He'd met his
>wife there,
Crow: Well, one of 'em - he couldn't remember which.
> and his daughter had been born on board
Mike: Where she was immediately given the rank of acting ensign.
> as the ship had patrolled
>the far reaches of Federation Space. And now after eighteen years as Captain,
>Star Fleet had given him an Ambassador.
>
Tom: It's a nice gesture, but Sarek clashes with the rest of his decor.
>It was not fair.
>
Mike: It's partly cloudy, with a chance of scattered thunderstorms by Friday.
>He had worked hard.
Tom: Or had he hardly worked?
> His ships had survived and returned to port every time.
Crow: Well, okay, *one* time everybody got killed, but otherwise...
>Fahim was a soldier,
Tom: And Hooker was a good cop.
> ready, willing, and able.
>
>It was not fair.
>
Crow: It was actually "State Fair", starring Pat Boone!
>He'd shown his diplomatic skills,
Mike: He'd locked more people in rooms than Carter has little liver pills.
> aided in the discovery of several scientific
>finds,
Tom: [Fahim] Hey, Oppenheimer, your car keys are right here on the bookcase!
> and even suffered through shuttling notable duties.
Crow: Ghazi Fahim - starship captain, diplomat, soccer mom!
> Fahim could be what
>they needed.
>
Mike: He could be a dentist, a gardener, a French maid, a drummer, a fry cook,
a double-aught agent...
Crow: Fazim's the Sydney Bristol of Starfleet. Except he doesn't look as hot
in a pink vinyl minidress.
>It was not fair.
>
Tom: And here comes Ratliff out to argue with the Ump.
>He had a family, a daughter, and a wife.
Crow: And a second cousin.
Tom: And a goldfish.
Mike: And a guy in Cleveland he owed $800 to.
> He deserved more than this Ambassador,
>this second rate ship of the line.
>
Crow: You wouldn't say that if Diane Carey was here, man!
>It was not fair.
>
Mike: As previously indicated.
>He'd applied for better,
Tom: Or for worse.
Crow: For richer or poorer, in sickness or in health, in syndication or on
UPN.
> and had recommendations from all his former Commanding
>Officers,
Tom: They'd say *anything* to get this guy out of their hair.
> but he hadn't gotten the ship. He hadn't gotten the one command that
>really mattered,
Mike: "Climb Mt. Niitaka"?
> the one ship that while you're in that center seat you can do
>things.
>
Crow: In the center seat of other ships, you can do nothing.
Mike: Really?
Crow: Sad but true.
>It was not fair.
>
Tom: Yeah, life's not fair, pal, wear a helmet.
>They'd given it to a Captain with twenty-five years seniority.
Mike: Giving a ship to a captain with a quarter-century experience instead of
a brash young risk-taker? Boy, what was Starfleet thinking?!?
> A Captain who
>wasn't worthy of the Galaxy Class Starship. A Captain who had lost his first
>and only command.
>
Crow: He'd even checked behind the couch. No dice.
>It was not fair.
>
All: Fair is foul, and foul is fair.
Hover through the Trek and Starfleet air!
>The ship was to have families on board, lots of them.
Tom: Set sail aboard the U.S.S. Dysfunction!
> His wife thought it would
>be good for his young daughter.
Mike: To command?
Crow: Well, it *is* a Ratliff story.
Mike: Point.
> Fahim wasn't sure, but the ship should have
>gone to someone with a family,
Crow: Like the Gambinos, or the Tattaglias.
> who knew what families were like.
Tom: Someone broken and bitter, with no joy in life to speak of.
>Not a confirmed bachelor who practically married his ship.
>
Mike: He and the ship should've just entered a civil union.
>It was not fair.
>
Tom: I think I sense a theme here.
>He had everything they said they wanted, everything they asked for.
Crow: He even had the leather seats and the 4.8 Hemi.
>Multiple commands,
Mike: Multiple personalities.
> diplomatic experience,
Crow: He'd read Henry Kissinger's biography.
> and even a family,
Mike: Standard Starfleet issue.
> and the man who had gotten
>it had none of that, really.
>
Tom: Gee, was that fair?
>It was not fair.
>
Tom: I didn't think so.
>Ghazi Fahim deserved the USS Enterprise,
Crow: But Marrissa got there first, so - sorry.
> not Captain Jean-Luc Picard, the stuck
>up Frenchman.
>
Tom: Jean-Luc Picard, funny or not funny floating.
Crow: Oh, extremely funny.
Mike: How so?
Crow: Um, well...
Tom: You kinda had to be there, Mike.
>* * * * *
>
>The Oklahoma's Fourth Commanding Officer:
Mike: Someone a little bit less whiny, I hope.
>Captain Shawneela Osanna
Crow: Oh, don't you cry for me.
Tom: He'll come from Alabama with a banjo on his knee.
> (cmdg. 2371-)
>
>
>Shawneela Osanna was in a shuttle pod approaching the USS Oklahoma.
Tom: It was not fai- oh wait, we're done with that.
> An
>Ambassador Class Starship, the predecessor class of the Galaxies, she didn't
>know why she rated such a ship for her first command.
Crow: Though she suspected the massive bribes had something to do with it.
> Most Captains got
>frigates,
Mike: Just put on a light sweater, then.
> your Constellations,
Tom: Like Marrissus Major, or Jeriryanex Doubledeeus.
> Intrepids,
Crow: All of which are immediately eaten by giant space ameobas.
> Mirandas,
Mike: And Carries and Samanthas and Charlottes.
> and Oberths,
Tom: Jawohl, Colonel Klink!
> for their first
>commands. Having served five years as First Officer of the Galaxy,
Crow: Wow, I've heard of being Officer of the Day, but I gotta admit, *that's*
pretty darn impressive!
> and having
>been Second Officer of the same ship before that,
Mike: And before that, she was assistant to Isaac the Bartender.
> she supposed that the
>Admiralty expected her to be more used to a larger ship command than one of
>those small ones. She certainly didn't rate a Galaxy.
>
Crow: But if she had, she'd have given the Milky Way a 97, Andromeda a 91, and
the Lesser Magellenic a 78.
Mike: Ouch!
Crow: The Lesser Magellenic didn't keep its fridge below 40 degrees.
>Osanna knew she had been rather highly rated by her Captain and his Commanding
>Officer.
Tom: Which didn't stop the Donald from firing her lying hinder.
> While she didn't like to read too deeply into her evaluations, she did
>read them.
Mike: Mainly, she read the short words. Then she doodled little hearts and
flowers all over them.
> She and her former Captain had been a good Command Team, leading the
>Galaxy to a solid record of successes during her five years as First Officer.
>
Crow: Until they lost to Auburn 35-14 in the Peach Bowl.
>Ossana didn't see herself as something special. There were other First Officers
>rated as well or better than she was that she knew.
Tom: But she was smart enough to clam up about this during pay raise time.
> None of them had been woken
>up late at night and offered command of an Ambassador Class Starship.
Crow: Or at least none of them would admit it.
> Especially
>not one where they had just forty hours to report to.
>
Mike: First one to the bridge wins!
>Osanna wasn't sure how she should handle her command. She'd heard that her
>predecessor had run the Oklahoma on a very strict line, insisting on perfection.
All: It wasn't fair.
>Considering that he'd been promoted to Admiral for it,
Crow: Really? Huh.
Tom: I guess incessant self-pity scores you points in Starfleet.
> and her ship was used to
>it, continuing that trend wouldn't be too bad of an idea.
Mike: [Osanna] Memo to self - continue being perfect.
> She wasn't bringing a
>single new officer with her to the Oklahoma.
Tom: They were all married.
> Her command staff would be the
>same as Fahim's had been.
>
Crow: Dangerously incompetent.
>There was a problem with being the strict distant Captain.
Mike: You can't really enjoy the crew's terror that way.
> It contrasted and
>conflicted with Osanna's empathic and telepathic talents.
Crow: She could no longer state the obvious with impunity.
> She had great control
>over her telepathic talents,
Tom: She could bend spoons all day long and not break a sweat.
> but her empathic talents tended to reach out and
>let her know about a person's feelings when she least wanted to.
Crow: Yeah, like during annual crew performance reviews.
Mike: Which explains why no one else on board ranks above ensign.
> Some of
>Osanna's friends at the Academy had thought that would make it essential for her
>to be that distant commander.
Mike: I dunno, these long distance commands seem so impersonal.
Tom: Yeah, she lives in Manhattan, the ship patrols the Delta Quadrant, and
they just meet at Rigel on the weekends. Hardly feels worth it.
> Osanna knew better. She needed a sense of her
>ship, the community that she had to take charge of.
>
Crow: She's running for ship's mayor?
>Community, that's what she had to get into,
Tom: Her mind, that's what she's going out of.
> be a part of, to make her command
>work. While it wasn't a Galaxy,
Mike: Despite its spiral arms and hot, radioactive center.
> the Oklahoma was a family-enabled ship, and
>that gave her some ideas.
Tom: Dark, disturbing ideas that would haunt her dreams for years to come.
> She wanted her crew to see her as approachable,
>likeable,
Crow: Alluring, even.
> yet in charge and commanding.
>
Mike: She's strong enough for a Galaxy, yet made for an Ambassador.
>Osanna had no idea how she was going to do that.
Tom: But she had a suspicion it would involve phasers. Lots and lots of
phasers.
> Family-enabled wasn't the same
>as the Galaxy-Classes' family-designated status. The little data she had
Crow: She had a little Data?!? NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Tom: I can see the Federation Enquirer headlines now - "Starship Captain
Shinola Hosannah Caught in Brent Spiner Love Nest!"
> said
>there were only a dozen children on the Oklahoma, compared to the three score on
>the Galaxy.
Mike: Why, that's barely enough to seize the bridge and impose their iron
rule!
> She had to build up trust,
Tom: Invest wisely, maybe diversify into municipal bonds.
> not just in her immediate staff, but
>among her crew as well.
Crow: [Osanna] Go ahead, fall backwards. I'll catch you. Really!
> Those dozen children where as good a place to start as any,
Tom: They're so much easier to corrupt, to mold into her minions!
>if she wanted to seem approachable, Osanna thought.
>
Crow: The "SCRAM YOU BUMS" sign outside her ready room wasn't doing the trick.
>As the shuttle settled on the deck of the shuttle bay, Osanna drew her thoughts
>together.
Tom: [Osanna] Okay, stay together, cheeks!
> She reminded herself that it wasn't going to be an easy job, but she
>had accepted it.
Mike: [Osanna] Cripes, what the hell was *I* thinking?!?
> It was time to take command, to sit in that center seat by her
>own right.
>
Crow: [Osanna] OK boys & girls, let's take this puppy out for a spin and see
if we can break that ol' Warp 10 barrier. But first, a quick side trip
to Planet Chippendale!
>* * * * *
>
>The two tone welcome rang out,
Mike: Brown and beige?
Tom: Nah, more of an ochre and umber.
> and a new Captain stepped out of their shuttle to
>take command of a Federation Starship.
Mike: Hi, I'm Kathryn Janeway.
Bots: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
> It was a new beginning. It might end as
>a legend, tragedy, or triumph.
Crow: Just so long as it ends, we don't bloody care.
> Today it was impossible to tell.
Tom: And tomorrow ain't lookin' so hot, neither.
> Time would
>tell that story, and history would record it.
>--
Mike: And Rick Berman would screw up the concept.
>Stephen Ratliff
>
>"To hell with crack, heroin, whiskey, tobacco.
Crow: So all that leaves is chocolates, fast cars and faster wimmin.
All: WOOHOO!!
> Writing is far and away
>the single most addictive thing in the universe, IMHO." ~ Greywolf
>
Tom: And that includes the caffeinated tobaccojuana plants of Methadone V.
Mike: Hey! Was that all four of them?
Crow: I think so, yeah.
Tom: Well don't just stand there yammering about it - scram, before she ups
the ante!
[All leave]
O |2| <3> (4) {5} [6]
[SOL - Mike is at the console reading a copy of "Horatio Hornblower". Or at
least trying to, as Crow yammers on.]
Crow: And after Figueroa Fontana came Karen Sykes, the current captain of the
USS Bonhomme Richard .
Mike: Uh-huh.
Crow: Now the U.S.S. Oregon has had 5 captains. The first was Juan Cabrerro,
who served...
Mike: Crow - I think it's nice that you've taken the time to document the
command history of every single vessel in Starfleet -
Crow: Thank you.
Mike: But you've obviously mistaken me for someone who's even *remotely*
interested in it.
Crow: But Mike, what's the point of there even *being* a Starfleet if one
can't obsess over its fictionalized, non-canonical minutia?
Mike: I'm just saying it's not my cup of Earl Grey, is all.
Crow: Aw c'mon, at least...
[Tom enters. However, rather than his usual entry, he is downside-up (or, if
you prefer, upside-down), "hovering" just below the (unseen) ceiling of the
SOL]
Tom: Hey guys.
Crow: Tha' heck?
Mike: Tom?
Tom: Yeah, I know. It's these last two stories we had to sit through.
Crow: That bad, huh?
Tom: Well first, Supergirl turns out to be an actress/scientist from a Krypton
that exploded about umpty trillion years ago. And then we get a whole
Ratliff story without one single word about Marrissa. My entire world-
view is 180 degrees out of whack!
Crow: Oh please, Servo. The comic book industry constantly revamps
everybody's origins - it's not even noteworthy any more.
Mike: Yeah, and even though we didn't see Marrissa anywhere in Stevie's story,
that doesn't mean she wasn't lurking in there somewhere.
Crow: Yeah, plotting, scheming, spreading evil - just like always.
Tom: Hmmm... [pause] No, I'm sorry guys, I'm still all discombobulated.
Crow: Whadaya think, should we leave him up there?
Mike: Naw, too distracting. We'll have to think of something. Oh, Tom, while
we brainstorm, you wanna tell everyone the info?
Tom: Okay. To join the - wait, is this thing even up and running right now?
Crow: It will be.
Mike: Yeah, just go on like it is.
Tom: All right. Well, to join the MiSTing Authors Dibs List, send an e-mail
to "majo...@pinky.wtower.com" with the message "subscribe dibslist" in
the message body! Read the FAQ (at least when it comes back up) at
"http://www.masemware.com/mst3k/faq.shtml", don't work blue, and keep
your head on the ground and your feet in the stars. Or something.
Unlike me.
Mike: We're working on it.
Tom: Well hurry up, can't ya? The blood's all rushing to my dome!
[CF]
Pearl: AHA! I've done it! I've finally driven one of you to distraction! It
may take time, but one by one, I will eat you up and spit you out like
the rotten hors d'oeuvres you are! BWAHAHAHAAH!!!
[SOL - Gypsy now has Tom firmly clutched in her mouth. And she's pulling!]
Tom: OWOWOWOW!!! Oh boy, that smarts like a monkey clutcher!
Mike: C'mon, Gyps! Pull harder!
Gypsy: Fw'm mllnk zz frd fwz Fw knn!
Crow: Huh?
Gypsy: [letting go] *ptoo!* I said, I'm pulling as hard as I can!
Tom: Aw, forget it, fellas. I'm still so turned around I can hardly think
straight. I think maybe this time she's done gone and done it to me.
[CF - Pearl is dancing around the room]
Pearl: Woot! Woot! Woot! I *rule*! You're down for the count, Tom *Sucko*!
You, your pathetic little box of undies, and your fireplug red hinder
are *mine*!!! Boys - bring it out! Let's par-TAY!!!
[Brain Guy & Bobo enter, lugging a large sheet cake emblazoned with a portrait
of Pearl, inscribed above the words "I RULE"]
Observer: You're sure you're not being premature with your gloating, Pearl?
Pearl: Are you kidding? I got one of 'em riding the ceiling and it's only a
matter of time before I nab the other two!
Bobo: Mmmmm, are we gonna have cake now?
Pearl: You bet your life! Just put it on the table!
Bobo: Okay, but - my computer's in the way.
Pearl: Well, just push it all off onto the floor.
Observer: The whole thing?
Bobo: I haven't saved my "Bejeweled" session yet.
Pearl: Well tough toenails! I plan to celebrate, and that involves serious
cake consummage!
Bobo: [starts fiddling with the keyboard while balancing the cake] But can't I
at least finish this one...
Pearl: [trying to clear the decks] Just put it ...
Observer: [holding on precariously] I don't think...
[All you 3 Stooges fans know what happens next - between Bobo's juggling and
Pearl's over-compensating, the cake gets flipped over and smushes Pearl and
Brain Guy in the face.]
[SOL - Raucous Laughter is the order of the day - even for Tom, who's now back
rightside up]
Gypsy: BWAHAHAHAH!!!!!
Crow: Oh man, sweet! I *knew* something would trip her up - as usual!
Mike: *snerkle* And it's restored Tom's faith in the order of the universe!
Tom: [giggling] Thank you, Bobo, for making me laugh at unending stupidity
and boundless hubris - again!
[CF]
Bobo: Oh, you're quite welcome.
Pearl: [Irreproducible but definitely menacing sound]
Bobo: I think.
Pearl: [brushing cake gunk off her face] Fine. Fine. Laugh it up while you
can, funny boy! You'll get yours sooner or later!
Observer: Uck! I seem to have a cape full of buttercreme frosting.
Bobo: Really? Yum, buttercreme.
Pearl: And as for YOU, you overgrown lemur, I'm gonna frost you but good!
[scoops up a handful of cake] Say your prayers, Kong!
Bobo: [chuckling] Oh come on now, Lawgiver, you should know better than to
challenge an *ape* to a *flinging* contest. [Bobo scoops up his own
cake and the two begin circling the room]
Observer: Um, Michael, perhaps we'd best sign off for now. Oh my. This is
quite disturbing on a number of different -
[Suddenly, Observer is nailed in both directions by flung cake]
Observer: ...levels. *sigh* I'm going to go wash out the stains on my cape
now. I expect that the ones on my soul are likely permanent.
[Brain Guy leaves amd we fade out to the sounds of Primate and Pearlian
screeches and the *splats* of more cake being tossed]
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
"THE FOUR KINGS" BY: higherdimensions7
"THE ENDICOTT SYNDROME" BY: Rob Morris
"ARTISTIC LISCENSE" BY: Dr. Thinker
"OKLAHOMA COMMAND" BY: Stephen Ratliff
"GRAND SLAM" MiSTING BY: Bill Livingston
MiSTING DIBS LIST MAINTAINED BY: Michael Neylon (we sincerely hope!)
SCONCES BY: Home Interiors
IN THE SWEET BY AND BY: We Shall Meet on that Beautiful Shore
WHAT'S COOLER THAN BEING COOL: Ice Cold!
THANKS: To MiSTies, MuSTies, RATMMers, the teachers of America, Popcap Games
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------
>It was not fair.