NEW MiSTED The Walls of Jellico 1/2 TNG [PG] (x-over MST3K]
Bill Livingston
[Season 9 Opening]
[SOL - Mike and Servo are at the console, each reading from a sheaf of
papers in front of them]
MIKE: "It Takes Two"
SERVO: Yep.
MIKE: "Summer School"
SERVO: Yep.
MIKE: "Nevada"
SERVO: Hmmmmm. No, I don't - oh, wait, it's under new releases.
MIKE: Well, that's all of those, then. [Looks up] Oh, hi everyone. Mike
Nelson here on the old Satellite of Love. I'm just helping Tom
Servo double-check his list of actors and their movie roles. Even
though he *could* just break down and use the IMDb.
SERVO: Oh, like *they're* 100% reliable!
MIKE: Anyway, we just got through checking his entries for Kirstie Alley,
and so far everything seems to be okay. Who's next, then?
SERVO: Maria Conchita Alonso - grrrrowf!
MIKE: Okay, let's see - "Moscow on the-
[Crow rushes in from offstage. He's wearing a big rainbow colored wig and
is holding a sign reading "John 3:16"]
CROW: Go team go! Go team go! Go team go!
MIKE: Crow?
SERVO: [muttering] Now what?
CROW: C'mon, Mike, Servo, let's do the wave! Woohoo!
MIKE: Well, I know I'm going to regret asking this, Crow, but what are you
doing?
CROW: I'm a fan, Mike!
SERVO: A what?
CROW: I'm a football fan, ya big dip! Wooo!!! John 3:16! Hi, mom!
MIKE: I didn't even know you liked football, Crow.
CROW: Actually, I don't much care for the game itself. But I was watching
some old game tapes, and there was this guy in a lot of them, and he
was wearing this wig and get-up, and holding up this sign, and he
just had such an air of joie de vivre, I figured that was the life
for me! Wooooooooo!!!!!
SERVO: So you're going to be a psychopath, then?
CROW: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Block that kick! I'm gonna be a psych- huh?!?
SERVO: Crow, the guy you're trying to emulate eventually holed up in a
motel room somewhere and took hostages.
CROW: Really?
SERVO: Yup.
CROW: Oh. Well, I, uh, I don't guess I have to -
MIKE: And do you know anything about the sign you're holding?
CROW: Ummmmm - [pause] I thought it was the guy's area code.
MIKE: It's a Bible verse, Crow - one of the most famous in the whole Book.
In fact, it's a profound statement of God's love for us, and of
what our love should be - the willingness to sacrifice.
CROW: Oh.
CROW: But if you want to continue to devalue it into a meaningless sports
cliché, well, hey - that's your decision.
CROW: [dejected] Geez, just take all the fun out of it why doncha? [Crow
wanders off. Lights flash]
MIKE: We'll be right back. [hits button]
SERVO: I didn't know you were a theologian.
MIKE: Don't start. Now where were we? "Moscow on the Hudson"?
SERVO: Check.
MIKE: "The Running Man"?
SERVO: Check.
[Mike & Tom continue under meatball to commercials]
[Ads for psychics, colas, psychics, cars, psychics, various prescription
medications, psychics, spam, sausage, baked beans, spam and psychics]
[SOL - Mike & Servo are still at it]
MIKE: "Flying Down to Rio"?
SERVO: Check.
MIKE: "The Bandwagon"?
SERVO: Check.
MIKE: "On the Beach"?
SERVO: Check.
MIKE: And don't forget his posthumous carpet sweeper commercials.
SERVO: Oh, ha-ha, very funny!
[Crow re-enters. He now has a large plastic pig on top of his head]
CROW: Hey, guys.
SERVO: Ummmm, Crow, you, uh, you *do* know you have a hog on your head?
CROW: Well, after you two showed me the error of my ways, I went looking
for another sports fan role model. And do you know who I saw
wearing one of these at a football game? No less than the President
of the United States himself!
MIKE: Ah.
CROW: Ha! Argue your way out of that! [Lights flash again]
MIKE: Um, first, let's see just what the Hole in the Wall Gang are up to.
[hits button]
[CASTLE FORRESTER - Pearl, Bobo & Observer, all sporting sunglasses, are
talking to Ortega. Pearl is wearing a T-shirt emblazoned with the words
"Hialeah or Bust". Bobo is carrying a picnic basket, a beer cooler, and
three pair of binoculars. Ortega is holding what looks like a gorilla doll.]
PEARL: And if the toilet in the front part of the castle starts making that
funny squealing noise, just jiggle the handle a couple of times. If
that doesn't work, use the voodoo doll I gave you.
ORTEGA: hmrmumhmrnhmrn
PEARL: No, it won't actually help, but tormenting Bobo always makes me feel
better. Go on, try it.
[Ortega jabs the gorilla in the tummy. Bobo drops the basket & cooler]
BOBO: [Clutching stomach] Oooof! Oh drat, the peritonitis is kicking up
again! Owowowowow!
[Pearl and Observer laugh heartily at this, while Ortega just stares.
Suddenly, Pearl notices Mike & the bots]
PEARL: Oh, hey, Nerdson - Art - Fireplug. Sorry, can't really chat, we're
about to take off. Lemme tell ya, being a sadistic would-be world
conqueror really takes it outta ya, so I'm taking Bobo & Brain Guy
here out for a weekend playing the ponies.
BOBO: I love Shetlands!
PEARL: Oh, pipe down and keep rounding up those corn nuts! I'd ask you to
come with, Mike, but seeing as how you're still stuck on that dreary
little satellite, I don't think it'd do much good.
OBSERVER: I hate to rush, Pearl, but the betting window closes in, let's
see, one minute.
PEARL: Right. Anyway, Ortega's castlesitting for me while I'm gone - so
don't give him any grief, capish? Oh, and just so you don't get too
bored in our absence, Ortega will be sending you a little something
to keep you entertained. Booboo, have you gotten it together yet?!
BOBO: [frantically juggling basket, cooler & binoculars] Oh, sure thing,
lawgiver. I'm a balancer extrordinaire from way back!
PEARL: Yeah, fine, whatever, let's get this show on the road! Tata,
suckers. Brain Guy?
[Observer starts to do that little thing he does. Unfortunately, just
before the group pops out, Bobo loses his battle with gravity and crashes
into Observer. The *pop* as they dematerialize sounds distorted and uneven]
[SOL]
SERVO: Great! Pearl bails out and we get stuck with the tab!
CROW: Hey, Ortega, are you sure you have to send us Pearl's little smell
blossom?
[CF]
ORTEGA: hmrmhhhmmrnhthmrnhmm
[SOL]
MIKE: Yeah, Pearl *is* a little intimidating, we know, but - if you could
just see your way clear -
[CF]
ORTEGA: mmrmuhmrnuvmmulhnhmmurm
[SOL]
SERVO: [sadly] Yeah - yeah, I see your point.
[CF]
ORTEGA: rnmhmrnuumlvrrrumumumhhhuimwern
[SoL]
CROW: No, no, we don't blame you *personally*, Ortega. So, just go ahead,
and do what you've gotta do.
MIKE: Yeah, we understand. Oh, hey, what's on the menu for today?
[CF]
ORTEGA: wmlrmmhummhumrenlvmmmlulrinwwllw
[SoL]
MIKE: "The Walls of Jellico"?
CROW: By *Stephen Ratliff*?
SERVO: Aw, terrific! This is gonna sting!
[CF]
ORTEGA: nlmnnurmlirvnfmlofm
[SoL - All are laughing]
CROW: Aw, man, Ortega, you've got a way with words, buddy!
SERVO: Yeah, you always know the right thing to say!
[Lights Flash]
ALL: OH NO - WE GOT RATLIFF SIGN!!!!!!!
CROW: Sooooooooooooooooooo-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!
[Chaos, doors, etc.]
[6] {5} (4) -3- +2+ o
[All enter]
SERVO: Boy, that Ortega - what a card!
MIKE: [removing Crow's pig-hat] Yeah, but after him - the deluge!
>From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
CROW & SERVO: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
CROW & SERVO: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
>Subject: NEW TNG "The Walls of Jellico" 1/5 (Marrissa Stories)
CROW & SERVO: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
>Date: 5 Feb 1998 03:02:13 GMT
>Organization: Radford University
CROW & SERVO: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
MIKE: Are you two done yet?
CROW: Almost
>Lines: 116
CROW & SERVO: AAAAAAAA-
SERVO: Wait, that's not too bad
CROW: It's part one
CROW & SERVO: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
SERVO: Okay, *now* we're done
>Message-ID: <6bba3l$2...@newslink.runet.edu>
>NNTP-Posting-Host: atilla.cs.runet.edu
CROW: [Mild British Voice] Yes, that's right, Mr. A.T. Hun
>X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>Status: N
>
>
>
>Title: The Walls of Jellico
CROW: So is this going to be a peek inside the wacky world of consumer
gelatin?
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
>Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories.
>Part: 1/5
>
>Author's Forward
SERVO: I don't know about that. He's always seemed rather reserved to me.
MIKE: Well, if he's *too* forward, just slap his face and walk away.
CROW: Speaking from personal experience, there, Mikey?
>
>How many does this make?
SERVO: Too many.
> 17? Geez I'm been hear a long time.
MIKE: Thanks to his new BellTone© Hearing Aid.
> My first
>story, Enterprized
[All recoil in horror]
> was posted here on ASC back on November 14, 1993.
SERVO: A day that will live in infamy.
>I think I've improved since then.
CROW: Relatively speaking, maybe!
MIKE: Well, in retrospect, we've come a long way since Enterprized...
CROW: Still, it's all rather like putting a fresh coat of paint on
Chernobyl.
SERVO: [sotto voce] Destoryed.
CROW: Okay, I'll admit that he's better at that now.
>
>I wrote "The Walls of Jellico" after trying to come up with problems
>that Marrissa could see herself as causing.
SERVO: We could tell you about a few of those, pal.
CROW: [Dr. Smith] Oh, the pain!
> One of the biggest
>weeknesses of the Marrissa Stories has always been
MIKE: The spelling?
CROW: And my prior concession is proven wrong. Thanks, Stephen.
> that Marrissa seems
>to be all powerful
SERVO: Seems to be?
CROW: That's like saying that the sun appears to be a big ball of plasma.
> and never is wrong, or even thinks she's wrong.
MIKE: You mean Marrissa's unbridled megalomania? Gee, we never noticed
that. You guys know what he's talking about?
SERVO: Nope. Haven't the foggiest idea.
CROW: The opinions of many MORE than her make up for that.
>This, I hope, will change that.
MIKE: But it probably won't.
SERVO: Does that mean he's gonna KILL her?
MIKE: Don't get your hopes up.
CROW: This can't be a Ratliff story. That Tounts guy must be writing
another one.
>
>Stephen Ratliff
MIKE: The name which has driven many a better man to tears.
CROW: Ratliff *did* write this?
SERVO: Mike, has Judgement Day started?
MIKE: I just don't know.
>
>
>This Story is dedicated to:
SERVO: Robert Heinlein, Erika Flores, and my bookie, Bruno "No-Nose"
Tataglia, who gave me Duke and 50 points.
>
> Michael R. White,
> English Masters Student at RU and a
> Good Friend.
CROW: [Ratliff] Just don't tell him I dragged his name through this sorry
fanfic.
>
> and the newsgroup:
MIKE: allt.phan.myspeelings
>
> rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc
> These fans of a show that makes fun of Bad Movies
> on the Sci-Fi Channell
CROW: Proud home of more "Bionic Woman" and "Incredible Hulk" reruns than
you can shake a stick at!
> have made my work a lot better
> by putting it though their MSTing treatment.
MIKE: Hey, whoever you are, whatever you're doing's not working!
SERVO: Yeah, stop it already, you're killing us!
> I just
> feel sorry for Mike, Tom Servo, and Crow.
SERVO: Yeah, we do t-
[longish pause]
CROW: Um, guys, I'm getting that weird "Twilight Zone"-y feeling!
> After all
> they have to put up with my many mistakes.
SERVO: I think this is a journey of self-discovery, and Stephen is my
spirit guide!
CROW: I think this is a dream, hoax, or imaginary story!
MIKE: I think I just don't want to think about the implications of this, so
let's move on!
>
>......................................................................
>
>The Walls of Jellico
SERVO: Came a tumblin' down.
MIKE: Along with our faith in humanity.
> by Stephen Ratliff
>
>Historians Note:
MIKE: Yes, all historians please take note: the Battle of Trafalgar did
*not* take place on dry land.
>This story takes place after "The Only Constant" and occurs during the
>DS9 episode "A Call to Arms"
SERVO: Oh, that's the one where Sisko gets upset.
MIKE: And Quark does something unbelievably avaricious.
CROW: And Jadzia throws herself at that lousy no-good *rotten* *honorless*
EXCUSE FOR A KLINGON!!!
MIKE: I thought you were over that whole Bashir/Dax thing by now.
CROW: Part of me will never be over it, Mike!
>
>Prologue
>
> Lieutenant Henry Jellico stood in front of the First
>Officer's Office on Deck 2.
MIKE: Eating peanuts by the peck.
> The Fighter Commander didn't like
>Lieutenant Commander Picard.
MIKE: He was an excellent judge of character.
SERVO: Finally! A rational character!
CROW: Huzzah!
> In fact he thought that she was a
>tin plated dictator with delusions of godhood.
SERVO: Tell me he also didn't think she should be hauled away as garbage.
CROW: [Scotty] Laddie - don't ye think ye should rephrrrrase thot?
> How the little
>girl had managed to become First Officer at such a young age was
>obviously due to nepotism.
SERVO: Down with all nepots!
MIKE: Of course, it could also happen you're a fictional character and
your author is fond of you, but that's rather unlikely.
Rear Admiral Jean-Luc Picard must
>have really pulled some strings to get her in the position.
CROW: Too... many... comments... to... make!
MIKE: I don't think Ratliff meant for the sentence to read *quite* that way.
SERVO: Woody Allen *IS* Jean-Luc Picard in "Deconstructing Marrissa"!
> The door opened and Jellico entered the room. "Lieutenant
>Henry Jellico reporting as ordered, sir," he said, stretching out
>the last word with sarcasm.
CROW & SERVO: [Like kids] Marrissa's gonna get in trou-ble! Marrissa's
gonna get in trou-ble!
MIKE: Hold on, guys - don't forget, this *is* a Ratliff story. Any
character who opposes Marrissa invariably gets taken down by the
Big M, so maybe we'd better not celebrate too much until the
story's over.
CROW: [Reluctantly] Well, okay.
> "Sit down," the girl said, in a rather stern tone that
>Jellico had never heard her use before.
SERVO: So, he's been on the ship for what, thirty seconds?
> He sat down in the
>overstuffed chair in front of her desk.
ALL: [whoopee cushion noises]
SERVO: [Jellico] Hllph! Uhm ftug nn thf ftupfd chrr!!!
> Really, such a chair was
>not appropriate for the office of a senior officer on a starship.
SERVO: Officers should have big, puffy couches in their office, like
that bald guy does.
CROW: Henry's a member of Starfleet's crack Flying Interior Decorating
Squad.
> "Take a look at this, Lieutenant, and tell me what it is,"
MIKE: [Jellico] It's a duck in a funny hat playing tennis.
>Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard said, pushing back a stray
>blond strand of hair with one hand as she handed a PADD off a
>rather large stack.
CROW: [Marrissa] Lieutenant - have you ever had that not-so-fresh feeling?
SERVO: Hmm. I didn't know Peter David had two middle names.
MIKE: Huh?
SERVO: Peter David? The author? He's PAD, see and - aw, forget it!
> Jellico glanced at it.
SERVO: [Jellico, reading] "One skirt, two blouses, no starch..."
CROW: [Marrissa] Oh, sorry, that was my laundry list.
> It was a complaint from one of his
>wing commanders that he had thought he had dealt with.
MIKE: [Jellico] I knew I should've killed that guy!
CROW: After all, some of his friends are *Vulcans*.
> "It's a
>complaint,"
SERVO: [Jellico] Just some whiner moaning because I made him work two
double shifts in a row. What a crybaby.
> he replied tossing it back on the desk. It clattered
>off the table and on to the floor. Commander Picard made no
>effort to retrieve it.
MIKE: After all, that's what the little people are for.
> "Then you are aware of the complaint," Picard asked.
CROW: [Jellico] Why yes, sir, it's right there on the floor.
> "Lieutenant Grubb had informed me," Jellico dismissed it.
> "Then why are none of these on file," Picard said, gesturing
>at the pile.
MIKE: [Jellico] Uh, my dog ate them, sir.
> "In fact every one of the complaints I have here
>say that they brought it up with you.
SERVO: [Jellico] They're all from the same person! Listen: "Berman's
making me wear some silver Latex outfit! Why can't I get any decent
dialogue? And they're pairing me up with Harry Kim - Gack!!"
> If they were on file,
>telling me what had been done about them, I might have been able
>to tell them something.
MIKE: [Marrissa] I wanted to show off my superhuman powers yet again.
> Instead, when they came to me, as far as
>I knew they hadn't even told you. After a several of these came
>up, I began to see a pattern.
SERVO: [Marrissa] It was a kind of blue-ish tartan on an eggshell print.
> That's why I called you. Do you
>have a good reason for dismissing them?"
CROW: [Jellico] Well, after the third complaint of "Why can't we strafe
the Starbase?" I began to suspect that my flight team's intermix
ratio wasn't quite 1:1, if you catch my drift.
> Jellico just met the young woman's stare as she waited for
>his response.
SERVO: Oooh, a staring contest!
CROW: Eh, Conan always wins those.
> After a while, she continued, "I thought not.
MIKE: Therefore, she was not.
SERVO: If only!
>Lieutenant, I expect the rules and regulations of Star Fleet to
>be followed on this vessel.
MIKE: [Marrissa] Like most middle managers, I'm more concerned about
unquestioning adherence to petty regulations rather than actual
performance.
CROW: Are you suggesting a Dilbert/TNG cross-over?
MIKE: For God's sake, don't even *think* that!
> I've been getting complaints about
>you since you arrived.
SERVO: [Marrissa] You don't bathe, you leave hair clogging the sink, and
you call the directory assistance operator for numbers you can
easily look up in the phone book.
> I dismissed them, because
MIKE: [Marrissa] You paid me a big bribe
> it takes a
>while to get use to a new commander's style and tried to help you
>get used to the quirks of those under your command.
SERVO: Like how Ensign Perkins likes to pick her teeth with a targ bone.
CROW: Or Lt. Dunwitty won't go on an away team without his teddy bear.
MIKE: And some people even initially disliked Marrissa's habit of
yodeling her orders.
> You rejected
>my help, but I understood that you might feel that I was
CROW: A pompous, interfering blowhard.
>interfering with your command, and let up."
> "However," Commander Picard suddenly boomed,
CROW: Wooo-boy, she blowed up good!
SERVO: She blowed up *real* good!
MIKE: Oh yeah. A yelling 15 year old is really impressive.
> then continued
>softer. "I can not and will not let you make a mockery of Star
>Fleet rules and regulations.
MIKE: [Marrissa] I do enough of that myself without some no-name peon like
you trying to get into the act.
CROW: Yeah, especially that pesky little rule about 14 years olds not
commanding starships!
> I don't care if your uncle is
>assistant chief of Star Fleet Operations.
SERVO: What if he's Governor of Mars?
CROW: What if he's Judge Reinhold's Beverly Hills boss?
MIKE: What if he's Ned Beatty's river rafting companion?
> I don't care if
>someone died and made you God.
MIKE: [Marrissa] That someone, of course, would have to be me...
> I expect you to follow the rules
>and regulations of this vessel as long as you are aboard. That
>means that every complaint will be logged and followed up on, no
>matter how small.
SERVO: [Marrissa] It also means you'll be bossed around by psycho
pre-teens wherever you go.
> Understood?"
CROW: [Jellico] Yes. In fact, I'd like to log a complaint right now, sir.
> Jellico nodded, already fantasying his revenge on the royal
>pain.
SERVO: Make sure it involves lots of strawberry juice. Heh-heh-heh.
CROW: Henry Jellico - join us!
ALL: [whispering] Join us. Join us.
> "You can start with these," Picard stated. "I've entered a
>reprimand on your record.
ALL: [muted trumpet] Wah wah wah waaaaaah!
> Dismissed."
SERVO: [muttering] I wish *we* could get dismissed.
MIKE: This must be Marrissa's new kinder and gentler side.
CROW: Yeah, in the olden days, she would have just shot him.
>
>--
>Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>srat...@runet.edu Radford, Virginia 24142-7496
>rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc's polite target. Marrissa Stories Author
>http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/FAQs/ FAQ Maintainer and
>http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/index/ Index Maintainer for
>http://aviary.share.net/~alara/ alt.startrek.creative
SERVO: Hey, this is the best part of the story yet!
>
>"The only reason they haven't killed me is that I'm part of their
> victory celebration. 7:00, Dukat makes a speech, 8:30, cake and
> raktagino, 8:45, execute the Ferengi."
CROW: Sounds like a party to me. I'm there, dude!
> -Rom, DS9 "Sacrifice of Angels"
>
>From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: NEW TNG "The Walls of Jellico" 2/? [G] (Marrissa Stories)
CROW: "2 of ?"? Oh no, he's extending it!
CROW & SERVO: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
>Date: 12 Feb 1998 18:55:44 GMT
>Organization: Radford University
MIKE: Have you driven a rad Ford lately?
>Lines: 112
>Message-ID: <6bvgjg$3...@newslink.runet.edu>
>NNTP-Posting-Host: pluto.cs.runet.edu
MIKE: Isn't Pluto the ruler of the Roman Underworld?
SERVO: Appropriately, yes.
>X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>Status: N
>
>
>Title: The Walls of Jellico
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
>Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories
>Part: 2/?
>
>This story is being serialized with weekly posts every Thursday.
CROW: I dunno, I think NBC should have gone with "3rd Rock" instead.
SERVO: Still, this is better than that Seinfled finale!
MIKE: True!
CROW: Absolutely!
>
>Chapter One
>
> The precise Vulcan voice interrupted Commander Picard's
>paperwork, "Commander Picard, please meet me in Sickbay."
CROW: ["Riding with Death" guy] Sorry, Sam, I'm still working on these
patent papers!
>Marrissa had been deeply into the paperwork that came with the
>job of First Officer. She'd take any interruption to delay the
>work. Well not any interruption.
CROW: For example, Ragnarok was right out.
> She wouldn't stop to change
>her new little brother's diapers,
SERVO: Marrissa greatly preferred even the dullest bureaucratic tasks
to actually doing something for somebody else
> but fortunately little Nicholas
>was several hundred light years away on the Enterprise.
MIKE: Sir, your son made a doodle!
SERVO: [Jean-Luc] Set course for Marrissa immediately. Warp Nine! Engage!
> "On my way, Captain," Marrissa said, putting the PADD back
>on the desk and exiting her office below the bridge for Sickbay.
SERVO: Hello, Orkin? We've got an infestation of Marrissas in our
basement. What? No, this isn't Mork! Oh, wrong number? Sorry.
>
> Captain Washington was waiting in Sickbay's lobby. Sickbay
>occupied all of deck 5 on the Stargazer,
MIKE: The *entire* deck?
CROW: Apparently, disease control has taken a turn for the worse in the
25th century.
> so a waiting room was
>devised right by the turbolift to accommodate those who on other
>starships would be standing in the corridor.
MIKE: Ironically, though, it's still filled with copies of "Ladies' Home
Journal" and "Field and Stream" dating back to 1974.
SERVO: So, the other ships in Starfleet just stack their patients in the
corridor?
> The Captain was
>pacing from side to side in the room,
SERVO: She'd tried pacing up and down, but it just didn't work.
> her face scowling most un-
>vulcan like. The half-vulcan was obviously trying to restrain
>the emotions of her mother's side, her human side.
MIKE: Her photogenic side.
CROW: May I suggest a high fiber diet? Works for me.
> "Reporting as ordered, sir," Marrissa said, wondering what
>had caused the emotional expression on her normally impassive
>Captain.
CROW: [Washington] Marrissa! Someone's kidnapped my Beanie Babies! Find
them! Please!
SERVO: I'll bet the mere sight of Marrissa lording it around with her
18 pips would send even the most impassive Vulcan into cardiac
arrest.
> "Have you heard of the accident with Red Wing?" Captain
>T'Gwen Washington asked.
SERVO: [Marrissa] Yeah, I got sauce all down my - oh sorry, I thought you
said *Buffalo* Wing.
MIKE: Didn't Joe Sakic accidentally knee one of their players?
> "No sir," Marrissa said. "I was busy writing up the
>required paper work to get us out of dock."
CROW: [Marrissa] Eventually, I said "the hell with it" and handed the
dockmaster some paper with pictures of Ben Franklin on them to try
and get us out of this stinking hellhole.
> "It seems that all seven of Red Wing's pilots crashed in
>some training mission," Washington replied.
MIKE: [Marrissa] It was a coincidence! I swear!
> "They managed to
>beam back to the Stargazer, and Doctor Johnson is looking over
>them now."
SERVO: They're all burnt to a cinder, but Doctor Johnny Jumpup Jamariquai
says he might be able to upgrade them to just "flame broiled".
> "Do you know where Lieutenant Jellico is?" Marrissa asked.
CROW: Clown College?
> "He's at a dinner at the Admiralty," Captain Washington
>said.
SERVO: [Washington] He's kissing serious butt.
MIKE: They seem to be eating big bowls of grubs, but they said not to
worry about that.
> "We better let him know, it's his command," Marrissa
>responded as Lieutenants Ross Lochard and Virginia Szustakowski
CROW: Monica Lewinsky?
MIKE: Tara Lipinski?
SERVO: Jonathan Lipnicki?
>entered.
CROW: Hi. We're the supporting cast. Just ignore us.
> "What happened to my sister," Virginia asked. "I heard she
>had a training accident."
MIKE: Yeah, but don't mention the carpet stains, okay? She's still a
little embarrassed about it.
> "Her whole wing was involved," Marrissa began
SERVO: So, Virginia's sister is a duck?
CROW: Well, there a lot of adoptions in the Ratliff universe...
> before Doctor
>Johnson entered the lobby, interrupting her.
> "I've stabilized their conditions," Doctor Johnson said.
MIKE: [Johnson] Killed 'em all. Pretty stable, wouldn't you say?
>"Unfortunately, Ensign Brown was dead upon arrival.
CROW: NO!! Not Ensign Brown!!
SERVO: And we had such high hopes for Brown!
MIKE: Hey, Brown's the lucky one in this fanfic.
> Lieutenant
>Lochard is in critical condition, only time will tell there.
SERVO: Wait. Okay, now she's dead, too. Sorry.
>The rest are serious but stable."
MIKE: Well, Ensign Ant's condition is desperate, but not serious.
> "We're going to have to investigate this accident,"
>Washington began, "But I'm afraid that you two are not allowed to
>be on the team." She indicated the Chief of Security and Chief
>Engineer.
SERVO: [whiny] Aw, we *never* get to be on the team!
CROW: [Washington] Naturally, we don't want the expertise of our two most
senior officers to aid in this investigation.
MIKE: Yeah, letting a security chief actually perform an investigation might
set a dangerous precedent.
> "That means that you'll lead the team, Commander
>Picard.
CROW: Wait, don't they have a first officer? That Cardassian guy? I mean,
shouldn't he lead the investigation?
MIKE: Apparently all the other ship's officers jumped overboard
simultaneously!
> Contact the Judge Advocate General's office to see about
>getting an assistant."
> "Aye, sir," Marrissa replied.
CROW: Oh, so they went ahead and created that position of "Despotic Tyrant
for Life, Junior Grade".
SERVO: Once again, we see perfectly competent crew pushed aside for no
good reason in order to make room for Queen Marrissa and her amazing
colossal ego.
>
> Marrissa had put in her request for investigative officers
>to the JAG office. They promised to send her an engineer and a
>JAG officer.
CROW: Oh, I've read about these mail order companies like JAG, and how they
rip you off.
MIKE: Yeah, all Marrissa ever got was a slightly neurotic transporter
technician and a promissory note.
> So she waited in her quarters for the officers to
>arrive,
SERVO: Naturally, large bureaucracies can respond to personnel transfer
requests in a matter or hours.
CROW: Delivery guaranteed within one solar day, or your JAG officer is
free!
> going over reports while serval trusted Transporter
>Officers retrieved the remains and placed them in the Stargazer's
>shuttlebay.
CROW: Personally, I'd've just left them in the morgue, but...
> Marrissa grounded all of the fighters to cover the
>possibility of defective parts, and every craft was now being
>gone over with a fine tooth comb.
SERVO: Soon they were immaculately coifed!
MIKE: Going over them with sensors might be a better choice.
>
> While Marrissa had been a part of several investigative
>teams and led one during her term as Chief of Security of the
>Enterprise, she had never made this type of investigation.
MIKE: But her kangaroo courts and bogus show trials had made her the
terror of Starfleet.
>Her door beeped.
CROW: It was a design flaw in the door. It was supposed to go "blorp."
> "Come," the young lady said.
> Lieutenant Henry Jellico entered, exclaiming, "What is this
>about my fighters being grounded?"
MIKE: Look, they were out past curfew, and they had cigarettes hidden in
their rooms - there was no choice!
> "Lieutenant, did you even listen to the recall message
>Lieutenant Lavelle sent you?" Commander Picard asked.
> "He mumbled something about an accident and told me to
>return to the ship," Jellico replied.
SERVO: [Jellico] I'll tell you, with that Bob Dylan voice modulation
system, I couldn't really understand what they said.
> "And what ever caused this
>recall better have been important, because it's not every day
>that you can go to a dinner at the Admiralty."
SERVO: Yeah, who cares about accidents when you're rubbing elbows with
Starfleet brass?
MIKE: Well, not everyone can win MTV's "Win a Dinner with the Admiralty"
Contest like he did.
CROW: Yeah, he had to listen to 60 hours of Coolio to win that!
> "Lieutenant, before you left, you sent Red Wing on a
>training mission in the asteroid belt, correct?" Picard began.
SERVO: Actually, I sent them on a training mission in the photosphere,
but they seemed hesitant to follow that order.
> "Yes, that's why you called me back, to confirm that I sent
>out a training mission?" Jellico remarked, disgusted.
CROW: [Marrissa] No, I... I... Oh, hell, I love you, Henry! I want you!
Take me, take me now, you Wild Stallion!!
MIKE: Crow, Ratliff's going to take a baseball bat to you for that one.
> "Lieutenant, they had an accident while they were out
>there," Marrissa Picard said. "Ensign Brown is dead.
CROW: [British] Poor Ensign's Brown's dead, and never called me "mother"!
> Lieutenant
>Katherine Lochard is in critical condition. All of the fighter
>craft were destroyed."
SERVO: But thankfully, none were destoryed.
MIKE: You just can't let it alone, can you?
> Jellico's mouth dropped open.
SERVO: [Foghorn Leghorn] Close, ah say, close yore mouth, boy, yore
lettin' flies in!
> His shoulder's slumped and he
>lost his train of thought, Marrissa's remaining words barely
>penetrated the haze which had descended into his brain.
CROW: He'd been reading one of Ratliff's fanfics, too.
> "Captain
>Washington has ordered me to begin an investigation. The Judge
>Advocate General is sending me a legal expert and an expert in
>fighter design so I can figure out what went wrong."
MIKE: They think it all goes back to this Berman guy, but they're not sure.
> Jellico staggered out of the room,
SERVO: The Romulan ale having just kicked in.
> his mind filled with
>questions.
CROW: [Jellico] How many fancy-ass lawyers am I going to have to hire to get
myself out of this one?
> He did not ask for permission to leave, but Marrissa
>understood that.
SERVO: [Marrissa] Poor thing - he's so upset. Maybe I'll just wait until
later to destroy him, when he can appreciate it more.
>
>--
>Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>srat...@runet.edu Radford, Virginia 24142-7496
>rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc's polite target. Marrissa Stories Author
>http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/FAQs/ FAQ Maintainer and
>http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/index/ Index Maintainer for
>http://aviary.share.net/~alara/ alt.startrek.creative
>
>"The only reason they haven't killed me is that I'm part of their
> victory celebration. 7:00, Dukat makes a speech, 8:30, cake and
> raktagino, 8:45, execute the Ferengi."
> -Rom, DS9 "Sacrifice of Angels"
MIKE: Unfortunately, the Ferengi execution got trounced in the ratings
by a very special episode of Drew Carey.
>
>From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: NEW TNG The Walls of Jellico 3/5 (Marrissa Stories)
>Date: 21 Feb 1998 18:10:39 GMT
>Organization: Radford University
>Message-ID: <6cn5av$f...@newslink.runet.edu>
>NNTP-Posting-Host: sol.cs.runet.edu
SERVO: I guess that means Stephen's a "sol man", heheheheh.
CROW: I oughta shun you for that.
>X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>Lines: 156
>
>
>Title: The Walls of Jellico
SERVO: We're going to have to suffer that pun for the entire story,
aren't we?
MIKE: Well, it *is* the title.
SERVO: And that's supposed to comfort me in my time of need?
CROW: Hey, deal with it, "sol man"!
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
>Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories
>Part: 3/5
>
>Chapter Two
>
> It was some five minutes later that Marrissa was called to
>the transporter room to receive her investigative team.
SERVO: Sign here... here... and here. Thank you.
> She
>wanted to make a good impression on the officers which had to be
>older than her.
CROW: In *this* universe? Don't bet on it!
MIKE: Fortunately, Marrissa knew making a good impression wouldn't be
hard, what with her being infallible and all.
SERVO: Plus, she has good posture.
> It was important that she did so, because even
>though she was First Officer on this vessel, she was only fifteen
>and a half. Commander Picard wanted to be know for her
>professional ability, not her age or even her titles.
[All laugh]
SERVO: Yeah, right!
CROW: Actually, she'd settle for whatever'd get her a date fastest.
> That was
>one of the reasons she had left the Enterprise-E. That and the
>fact that she didn't like the life expectancy of Security
>Officers.
MIKE: Then there was that whole business with Riker and Troi and the
Krazy Glue, but let's not go into that right now.
> Two forms materialized on the platform, a little shorter
>than most Star Fleet Officers.
CROW: Commanders Robert Reich and Dudley Moore report for duty!
> As they solidified, Marrissa
>identified them, Jay Gordon and Clara Sutter.
SERVO: [Marrissa] Oh no, not you guys again!
> There were only
>five officers in the millions of active Star Fleet officers
>younger than her. The odds against this event were very long.
MIKE: Unless you consider the author involved.
SERVO: With Ratliff pulling the strings, merely improbable inanities get
turned into sure bets.
>Of course the odds of Clara being sent were better. She had
>after all developed the variant of the Essex-10 fighter craft
>that Red Wing had been flying.
CROW: Even more amazing was the fact that she did it with Duplo blocks.
MIKE: Clara Sutter: Lego maniac
> But Jay Gordon, Marrissa hadn't
>even known that he'd been assigned to the JAG office as his post
>while undergoing additional training at the Academy.
MIKE: Jay's extra training in "How to be subservient to Princesses
with high Kobiyashi Maru times" would prove useful in the days
to come.
> "Welcome aboard the Stargazer, Clara, Jay," Marrissa
>greeted. "Working for the JAG office now, Jay?"
SERVO: [Jay] Yep, good ol' Fleet Admiral Harm Rabb.
> "For the last four months," Jay responded. "Some one in the
>Personnel Office though it would be cute?"
SERVO: Yeah, the military does a lot of things because they think it's
going to be 'cute'!
CROW: Wasn't that why they bombed Cambodia?
> "Cute?" Clara questioned.
SERVO: [Lisping, a la "Jack Frost"] Weally adowable.
MIKE: Just enjoy it, Jay - it's the only time in your whole life you'll get
within spitting distance of "cute".
> "You know Jay's middle name, Clara?" Marrissa inquired
>mischievously.
CROW: Weenieboy?
SERVO: Spineless?
MIKE: Throatwarbler-mangrove?
> Jay shot her a glance trying to silence the
>Commander.
> "What?" Clara asked.
> "Alan," Marrissa replied as Jay looked up at the ceiling as
>if to say `Why me Lord?'
CROW: And for once, I can dig where he's coming from.
> "Jay Alan Gordon, JAG from JAG," Clara put together.
MIKE: [dully] Oh, the hilarity. Stop it. Please. My sides.
> "Oh now you've done it, Marrissa," Jay said scoldingly.
>"She'll tell Shayna, and between the three of you I'll be lucky
>to hear the last of it within a decade."
CROW: Oh, now I get it. J-A-G. Ha ha. Ha.
SERVO: Ratliff's sense of humor is every bit as good as his writing.
> "And that's a problem, Jay?" Marrissa asked, grinning.
MIKE: [Jay] Yeah, who wants to listen to a couple of nattering idiots
for the next ten years?
> "Yes, because there is no way I'll ever be able to get even
>with two people that haven't done anything wrong in their lives,"
>Jay said.
[Long Pause]
CROW: Are we sure "Weenieboy" wasn't the right answer?
MIKE: I can think of one mistake Marrissa makes.
SERVO: What?
MIKE: She marries Jay.
CROW: Oooh. Score one for Mike.
> "True," Clara said. "Now what exactly happened to those
>fighters of yours?"
> "They crashed," Marrissa said.
SERVO: Brilliant observation!
MIKE: This news and more in this week's issue of "Duh!" magazine.
> "I'm hoping you can tell me
>more.
CROW: [Marrissa] Uh, they crashed real bad?
> I've had the remains transported to the Shuttlebay."
> "Lead on," Clara replied. "I want to know what the heck
>went wrong with a design I spent months on."
SERVO: Well, since most ships spend years in design, maybe it was
put into production too soon?
CROW: [Clara] Next time, I'll try pointing the white-hot plasma exhaust
*away* from the rudder...
> "Follow me," Marrissa said, exiting the transporter room.
>"Those full Lieutenant pips, Clara."
CROW: Yes. These full Lieutenant Pips. There wolf!
MIKE: [Clara] Brilliantly incoherent as usual, sir.
> "Yes, after we are done with the investigation, I'll be
>heading back to the Enterprise as it's new junior Assistant Chief
>Engineer," Clara said.
SERVO: [Clara] Then I'll give LaForge back his VISOR - maybe!
>
> The Shuttlebay was filled with twisted, torn, and dented
>parts of seven fighters.
MIKE: And in one of their trunks was Jimmy Hoffa.
> All but one of the pilot's compartments
>were intact. The drive systems of five craft had servived in one
>piece, and in the case of two connected to the pilot compartment.
CROW: The *drive systems*?!?
MIKE: It's not generally known, but star fighters have very delicate
transmissions.
SERVO: Yeah, and you're just asking for trouble if you let the power
steering fluid level drop too far!
> None of the wings were in a shape remotely resembling their
>original configuration. A practice torpedo lay in the center of
>the bay, still pristine.
CROW: It's the Warren Commission's "Magic Torpedo"!
SERVO: Any chance we can get it to blow?
MIKE: I'm afraid not.
>
> As the young officers entered the bay, a woman with curly
>brown hair was checking the lower bay controls,
MIKE: Minnie Driver joins Star Fleet.
CROW: Really?!? Hubbahubba! Sign me up for a tour of duty!
> she turned around
>and greeted, "Good Afternoon Commander. I heard that you were
>coming down here with the investigation."
SERVO: "Great. The Teletubbies are here to play agai - oh, I mean, Hi,
Marrissa!"
> "Yes, Lieutenant," Marrissa replied. "Clara, Jay,
MIKE: Introductions incoming! [All throw their arms over their heads]
> this is
>Lieutenant Virginia Szustakowski,
MIKE: Nastassja Kinski?
CROW: Ted Kazcinsky?
SERVO: Melvin Cowznofsky?
> our Chief Engineer. Gina, from
>the JAG Office, Lieutenant Jay Gordon, and our Engineering
>Investigator, Lieutenant Clarrissa Sutter, Princess of Essex."
MIKE: Okay, I call no "Clarissa Explains It All" jokes
> "Lieutenant Sutter, I've read your articles," Szustakowski
>replied. "Do you really think that impluse drive efficiency would
>improve with mult-phase pluse generation?"
SERVO: [Clara] Don't be silly. Pluse generation hasn't been invented yet.
CROW: How would one go about generating a "pluse" to begin with, much less
a "mult-phase" one?
MIKE: I think it involves jalapeno cheese and a box of Imodium A-D.
> "Well if you consider the interactions of hydrogen fission
>movement in the seventh dimension," Clara began.
CROW: [Clara]...and then reconfigure the technobabble sequencers to
"dumb", you will then look like a complete idiot.
SERVO: [Scotty] Ach! Cap'n, our treknobabble generator 'tis stuck! Ah
can't turn her off!
MIKE: [Kirk] ScottyIF... youcan'tturnOFF - theGENerator...
theentireSHIP... IS... DOOMED!
> "Ladies, as much as I'd like to hear about increased thrust
SERVO: Sa-a-a-a-y...
>provided by improved phased focusing, what ever that means, we do
>have an investigation to run,"Jay interupted.
CROW: So Clara just phasered him out of existence and kept yammering.
> "Right, I better introduce you to the Flight Engineer,"
>Szustakowski said. "Bolts!"
CROW: Aw, nuts! Bolts isn't here.
SERVO: You just nailed that one.
MIKE: I think both of you have a screw loose.
> A red headed woman rushed over from behind one of the more
>intact fighters. She was shorter than Clara, just over four and
>a half feet tall. Her uniform was dirty, and her communicator
>askew.
MIKE: Gillian Anderson *IS* Lieutenant Commander Courtney Love.
CROW: Hey, nice job all around on the casting, Steve-O!
> "Reporting as ordered, sir."
> "This is Ensign Amelia Bolton,"
CROW: [snicker]
MIKE: Please don't snicker at her receding hairline.
SERVO: [Michael Bolton "singing"] WHEN A MAN LOVES AN ENGINE...
> Szustakowski said. "She'll
>help you with anything you need.
CROW: Yo, yo, yo Starfleet people. You need tickets to 'da Streisand
concert? How 'bout a nice tribble? You need anything, Amelia's
your source for it, booooy.
> She knows everything that ever
>went wrong with any of our craft, right down to who misspelled
>Federation on one of them.
MIKE: Ah, a cleverly crafted in-joke.
CROW: That had our names on it, didn't it?
SERVO: Yeah, it said "Mik, Croew and Srevo"
> Ensign, this is Lieutenants Gordon
>and Sutter, they'll be helping Commander Picard oversee the
>investagation. If you'll excuse me, I have
SERVO: Pies in the oven.
> to go see how my
>sister is doing."
> As Szustakowski left the bay, Ensign Bolton asked,
CROW: [Amanda] So, can you - [Michael Bolton "singing"] GO THE DISTANCE?
>"You wouldn't happen to be Princess Clarrissa Sutter, designer of the
>Essex-10-Clara?"
MIKE: [Clara] No, I'm Princess Clarrissa Sutter, designer of the
Essex-9-Clara. You probably have me confused with someone else.
> "Yes," Clara blushed then down played. "I was just
>addressing some complaints Marrissa had made about the Prime that
>I felt could be better done."
SERVO: Like for example, I added wings.
> "Better done," Bolton replied. "Your design, your highness.
CROW: Your highness, your design.
SERVO: Uma, Oprah. Oprah, Uma.
>blown all the other variants of the Essex-10 out of the water.
MIKE: Which would be impressive except that they're supposed to be
spacecraft.
>They're no longer making the Prime.
SERVO: They're only charging 8 and a quarter percent.
> The Atmospheric still has
>it's place, but it can't beat the Clara except on it's home turf.
> As for the Bomber, I'm hoping they replace that slug soon."
MIKE: Unseen by the other crew members, Babe Ruth began at cry at the
cruel barb.
> "It is a little out of balance," Clara commented, opening
>her Engineer's kit. "But don't be so sure that my design is the
>best there is. I know of at least five things I could have done
>better.
CROW: [Clara] Well, six, if you count the color scheme.
SERVO: Nice to see a 14 year old can out-design engineers with decades
of experience in the field.
> And call me Clara. I'm too young to be called sir, or
>your highness."
MIKE: [Clara] Hanging around Marrissa, I prefer to be called Planetary
Empress.
SERVO: Y'know, it's a shame that we've read too many stories in this
series for me to shout out "YOU'RE TOO YOUNG TO BE A STARFLEET
OFFICER TOO!"
> "Clara, you are never too young to be called, your royal
>highness," Marrissa responded.
MIKE: And she'd be the person to know that.
> "You should know. After all, you
>knew your were a Princess before I did."
CROW: [Marrissa] And don't think I'll ever forgive you for that!
> "Well, you may like being royalty," Clara replied, pulling a
>taira out of her kit.
MIKE: Wow, an entire antebellum mansion in one handy engineering pouch!
SERVO: [Scarlett O'Hara] Ah sweah ah'll nevah join Stahfleet again!
> "I, on the other hand, would perfer not to
>be. It's too much hassle. Ensign, where should we start.
> As Marrissa and Jay, tried to contain a case of laughter,
>Ensign Bolton asked,
CROW: [MB "singing"] HOW CAN WE BE LOVERS IF WE CAN'T BE FRIENDS?!?
> "What's that?" She pointed to the taira
>that Clara had placed on her brow.
> "It's my no hands tricorder," Clara replied,
CROW: It detects whether or not something has hands.
> touching the
>side of the taira. A blue visor materialized over her eyes. "It
>helps when you are examining things to have your hands free.
>What are you two laughing about?"
CROW: "Veronica's Closet"! That Kirstie Alley is a hoot!
> Jay and Marrissa had lost their battle to contain their
>amusement and were chuckling loudly. "It's just that as soon as
>you complained about being a Princess, what was the first thing
>you did?" Marrissa said, recovering from the laughing spell.
SERVO: Ooh, you gotta roll a high save for that!
>"You put on a tiara."
MIKE: Well, she did win that Ms. Engineering Contest. . .
> "You know as well as I do that I designed this for Sailor
>Mercury in that holodeck obsession of yours a year ago," Clara
>replied.
SERVO: A callback to "Moondusted"?!?
MIKE: Oh, Ratliff's done callbacks before, Tom.
SERVO: But I thought "Dusted" wasn't part of the "official Marrissa canon"!
CROW: Calm down, Tommy, you're taking this way too seriously.
> "I may have played Sailor Mars, but that doesn't mean I
>didn't like what the other scouts had."
CROW: Merit Badges!!
> "Like the locket I had," Marrissa inquired.
> "I just liked the tune," Clara replied. "Why don't you two
>start interviewing the pilots or something. You all are no
>engineers."
MIKE: And with that statement, the Stooges' plans were foiled again.
SERVO: [Moe] Oh, a wiseguy, huh?
> "I'll leave this to you and Ensign Bolton to this side of
>the investigation then," Marrissa said.
CROW: And also as well to the Department of Redundancy Department, too.
> "I want those black
>boxes as soon as you can get them, and let us know if you find
>anything unusual."
MIKE: Yeah, see if they're surrounded by wreckage. That might give you
a clue.
SERVO: Geez, why don't they just make the whole shuttle out whatever they
make the black boxes out of?
CROW: Because it'd make the thing too heavy! Lift has to overcome the
mass of the craft in order for it to fly, DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!?
SERVO: I-I-I'm sorry, Crow. I didn't know. I was only making a joke...
[Tom begins to sob.]
MIKE: Good Crow. Just make Tom cry. [To Tom] There, there. It's okay.
CROW: But, I was just repeating what Bill Nye told me... [sniff]
SERVO: Mike, you big bully! Now you've made Crow cry!
MIKE: But I didn't do anything!
>
>--
>Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>srat...@runet.edu Radford, Virginia 24142-7496
SERVO: Coming soon on Fox: "Radford 24142".
CROW: Right after "When America's Funniest Scary Police Crashes Attack 9"!
>rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc's polite target. Marrissa Stories Author
>http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/FAQs/ FAQ Maintainer and
>http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/index/ Index Maintainer for
>http://aviary.share.net/~alara/ alt.startrek.creative
>
>The ASC Awards run 2/15/98 - 3/25/98
>
>"The path of the prophets sometimes leads into darkness and pain."
> -DS9's "Far Beyond the Stars"
CROW: Yeah, tell us about it!
SERVO: Hey, guys, it's time for the service.
CROW: Must we?
SERVO: C'mon, it's important!
MIKE: Well, let's go, then.
[All leave]
o +2+ -3- (4) {5} [6]
[SoL - Mike & the bots are gathered around the console. The bridge is
dark, save for a framed picture, illuminated by a single spotlight, of a
faceless mannequin dressed in a Starfleet uniform. Gypsy has a black veil
over her eye, Mike is wearing a black jumpsuit, and Crow is in his suit
with his "hair" slicked back. Tom, dressed in a black robe, steps up to
the podium.]
SERVO: Friends, Romans, Countrymen. We are gathered here today to join this
man and this wom- D'oh! No, wait. We, the members of the Ensign
Throwaway Benevolent Society, are gathered here today to pay our
final respects to a man - or possibly a woman, we don't know - I
mean, no one ever actually said, so we just flipped a coin - we
just didn't know, is all!!
MIKE: Uh, Tom...
SERVO: Ahem! In any case we are gathered here to pay our final respects to
a - person - I think - who made the ultimate sacrifice. I speak,
of course, of the gallant, selfless... individual known to all of us
as Ensign Brown. Ensign Brown was one of that rare breed of man...
or woman... or... well, whatever Brown was, it was a rare breed.
She/he/it was a Starfleet officer willing to lay down her/his/its
life - to advance the plot.
CROW: Oh, brother!
SERVO: And now, to deliver the eulogy for the dearly departed ensign, our
own Michael J. Nelson. Mike?
MIKE: Thank you, Tom. I remember the first time I met Ensign Brown, I said
to myself, "Self," I said, "There goes an ensign with a good head
on the old shoulders." Unfortunately, that's no longer the case.
SERVO: *Mike!*
MIKE: Oops! Ah, well, anyway, what is there to say about Brown that hasn't
already been said, and majestically, by Stephen Ratliff? Dear
Stephen, who wrote with unrivaled passion and power and even, yes,
eloquence, "Unfortunately, Ensign Brown was dead upon arrival."
Yes, Brown's death leaves a hole in our souls - not to mention the
plot - that we'll never be able to fill. So goodbye, Brownie!
You'll be missed - once we figure out exactly who you are.
SERVO: Thank you, Mike [muttering] ya chunkhead. [normal] Now we turn the
podium over to another great dear friend of Ensign Brown, Gypsy.
GYPSY: Ummmmm, Ensign Brown's dead. [pause] Ummmmm, that's too bad. [pause]
Okay, bye.
SERVO: Thank you, Gypsy, for that warm personal remembrance. Now, the final
eulogy, delivered by another of the late Ensign Brown's close dear
personal friends, Mr. Crow T. Robot.
CROW: Yeah, yeah. *ahem* Ensign Brown was a friend. Now he's dead. Or she.
Or whatever. And if you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my
friends. And no one told you life was gonna be this way. Your job's
a joke, you're broke, and I'm headin' for the buffet.
SERVO: CROW!!
CROW: Well, geez, Tom, whattaya want?
SERVO: I want raw emotions! Tears! Mourning! I want you to wail piteously
and throw yourself on top of the casket and let it bounce up and
down and create some of that "Twin Peaks" ambiance!!! That's all I
want! Is that so much to ask?!?
GYPSY: There's no casket, Tom.
SERVO: THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT!!! How are we supposed to properly mark
Ensign Brown's passing in the middle of all this folderol?!?
MIKE: Look, let's just wrap it up, Servo.
SERVO: Fine! Fine! [coughs, assumes a calmer demeanor] Yes, we mourn the
passing of Ensign Brown - one of the few, the proud, the Ratliff
Characters! And now, let us close this service with a song.
[All rise and begin singing, to the tune of "Battle Hymn of the Republic"]
SERVO:
Mine eyes have seen the story, and it really wasn't hard
To tell who was the cause of my poor psyche's being scarred:
Princess Flight Commander Marrissa Flores Picard!
Her story lurches on!
ALL: Gloriosky, Stephen Ratliff!
Gloriosky, Stephen Ratliff!
Gloriosky, Stephen Ratliff!
The Kids' Crew marches on
CROW:
Ensign Brown's body lies a moulderin' in sickbay,
Ensign Brown's body lies a moulderin' in sickbay,
Ensign Brown's body lies a moulderin' in sickbay,
While Marrissa marches on!
ALL: Gloriosky, Stephen Ratliff!
Gloriosky, Stephen Ratliff!
Gloriosky, Stephen Ratliff!
The Kids' Crew marches on
MIKE: [Slower, as the others hum behind]
In the halls of the Stargazer, Marrissa schemes for all to see;
Her plans at domination are all aimed at you and mee-e-e-e...
From "Enterprized" & "Time Speeder", up to "Premier Ma(r)qui(s);
Her power rushes on-n-n-n-n-n!
ALL: Gloriosky, Stephen Ratliff!
Gloriosky, Stephen Ratliff!
Gloriosky, Stephen Ratliff! [Lights flash]
Now we've got fanfic sign....
[yelling]WE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!!!
[Chaos, doors, etc.]
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bi...@Traveller.COM http:\\www.Traveller.COM\~bill
He that is of a merry heart hath
a continual feast - Prov. 15:15