MiSTed - "Royal & Prime Directives" (Marrissa Stories) 3/8
Bill Livingston
CROW: Okay two new rules: number one, no more costume pieces for the
duration of the fanfic.
MIKE: Agreed.
CROW: And number two, no leaving Crow trapped up on the ridiculously
elevated stool.
TOM: Um, we'll get back to you on that.
>From: Stephen Ratliff <stephen...@crosswinds.net>
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: NEW TNG Royal and Prime Directives 5/16 [PG] (Marrissa Stories)
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TOM: *fzzt* Ah, Newsmaster Base, this is Newsmaster1, target is in sight,
request permission to proceed with journalistic strike, over. *fzzt*
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>Status: N
>
>Title: Royal and Prime Directives
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
>Contact: stephen at trekiverse dot org
>Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories
>Part: NEW 5/16 Serialized Weekly
>Rating: [PG]
>Summary: The crew of Enterprise-E investigates a planet where a starship
>Captain crashed 20 years ago has been ruling a small nation
>
CROW: Turns out it's the Rhythm Nation. Captain Janet Jackson is sought
for questioning.
>Chapter Four: View from High Places
>
MIKE: Wow, man, Ratliff is, like, totally baked!
BOTS: Dude!
> Prince Avery woke up just before the sun broke over the horizon.
TOM: [Neil] Morning has broken.
>This was unusual for him,
MIKE: He usually staggered drunkenly in around this time.
> but he wasn't going to miss his first morning
>council meeting. He quickly washed and dressed,
CROW: And this time, he remembered to do it in that order.
> thankful for the plumbing
>of Odyssey Palace.
TOM: It was working for once?
CROW: Avery's not the type to take something for granted, I guess.
> Verifor Castle and Castromepor Villa,
MIKE: Now with beautiful 1, 2 and 3 bedroom townhomes overlooking the lake.
> the other two
>royal residences lacked plumbing in the private washrooms.
TOM: They just had serfs with buckets.
> Then he hurried
>toward the Map Room stairs.
TOM: Trampling six maids, two guards, and a steward.
CROW: [Avery] Sorry!
> On his way, he encountered Lord Harlan.
CROW: The prince asked for an autograph and got a punch in the gut.
> The Minister of
>Intelligence was carrying several covered clip boards and appeared to be
>disturbed and tired.
CROW: Yep, it's Harlie, all right.
MIKE: He's the only guy I know who was born with an ulcer.
> "Morning, your highness," Harlan said.
TOM: [Harlan] Hey, why don't you be a good Prince and fetch your ol'
Uncle Harlan some coffee and a shot?
> "Good Morning, Lord Harland," Avery said. "You look like you
>haven't slept."
TOM: He has no mouth and he must snore.
> "You'll find out why, soon," Harlan said,
CROW: [Harlan] When you become one of the unde... Daaa, I mean "Soon"!
> as they reached the Level
>6 entrance to the Map Room stairs.
MIKE: Oh yeah? Well *my* Map Room stairs are level seven with Charm +87.
CROW: Hah! Mine are level 10 with extra resistance to Ice magic attacks!
TOM: Amateurs! I've got the level 100 Map Room Stairs of Isendur which
reflect ALL magic attacks AND only accessible through a sub-quest
only available when you pour grape soda all over your Playstation!
> The King's usual guard stood at
>attention there. "Good Morning, Roland."
ALL: Roland Warner?
> "Morning, sir."
TOM: Written any more stories about inflatable cars and giant virus eggs?
> "Good man, Roland," Harlan said,
MIKE: [Harlan] Long, tedious, bloodthirsty Song of his, but a good man.
> as they began to climb the stairs
>"His mother was one of my officers, before she married a merchant and
>started having babies.
CROW: [Harlan] Too bad she had to pretty much sacrifice all her rights when
we crashed here, but, heh, whattaya gonna do?
> I think Roland has four little brothers and seven
>sisters.
CROW: Zowie!
MIKE: Boy, when she decided to blend in, she really went all the way!
> Ah, her we go."
TOM: Uh, no, I think her's gone a few times too many already!
> The door to the Map Room was already open. Inside were the King and
>the rest of his advisors.
MIKE: Rand and McNally.
> They seemed to be having bread and jam, waiting
>for everyone.
TOM: Yes, the height of royal privilege: bread and jam.
> "Good Morning Harland, have some bread and jam,"
CROW: It's waiting for everyone.
TOM: So are they having bread and jam, or not?
MIKE: I'm not sure. Stephen is being very ambiguous on the subject.
> the King
>said. "It's yellowberry this morning. You too, Avery. We're waiting for
>Toshio."
MIKE: [King] I'm sure he'd like some bread and jam as well!
> "Well pardon me if I can't run up the stairs like the rest of you
>young folks," a wizened old man said from the door way.
ALL: Gandalf?!?
CROW: [Toshio] You young kids with your stairs and your iambic pentameter
and your bear-baiting and ... ah, I dunno what's wrong with you!
> Toshio was one of
>Avery's favorites of his father's advisors, with his white long whiskers,
>and the colorful robe he always wore.
TOM: I bet it was red and yellow!
CROW: And green and brown!
MIKE: And scarlet and black!
CROW: And ochre and peach!
MIKE: And ruby and olive!
TOM: And violet and fawn!
ALL: And cream and crimson and silver and rose and azure and lemon and
russet and grey and purple and white and pink and orange and red and
yellow and green and brown and blue!
> "Toshio, none of us are young anymore," the King said.
MIKE: Except for Lord Dick Clark.
> "That's why
>I decided that Avery should start sitting in on these meetings.
CROW: [King] He's the only one in the room who doesn't need a hearing aid.
> We need him
>to know everything.
CROW: Like the airspeed of an unladen swallow.
MIKE: And the proper way to prepare crepes suzettes.
TOM: And where to get parts for a 1969 VW Microbus.
MIKE: And the sound of one hand clapping.
TOM: And why is a mouse when it spins.
CROW: And the best way to get stubborn stains out of linen.
TOM: And who put the overalls in Mrs. Murphy's chowder.
CROW: And how to operate a TiVo.
MIKE: And the wonderful world of Andrew Lloyd Weber.
CROW: And the way to drive with a stick shift.
MIKE: And how to spot a counterfeit bill.
TOM: And who was *really* Keyser Soze.
ALL: *Everything!*
> Now, since Avery doesn't know all of you, or all of
>your roles, I'd like you to preface today's reports with you job titles.
[All groan]
TOM: Well OF COURSE you would! You'd like that EVERY SINGLE FRICKING
TIME, wouldn't you, huh?
MIKE: You'd think someone would've invented "HI I'M _______" nametags by now.
>Harlan, you go first today, and I'd like a full summary of all intelligence
>today, both external and internal."
CROW: [King] And don't forget to include your favorite bread and jam.
> "Very well, your Majesty," Harland said as he opened one of his clip
>boards.
MIKE: Fresh from the hands of the clipboardsmith.
CROW: Good thing there's no cultural contamination going on here.
> "Your Highness, I'm Chief of His Majesties Intelligence force.
MIKE: [Harlan] I like wheat with strawberry jam.
>We'll start with External affairs. Janvart is still engaging in piracy
>along the Rogian coast.
CROW: [Harlan] Although why anyone would want to bootleg Jasmine Guy
CDs is beyond me.
> They suspect we know that.
TOM: [Harlan] But they're wrong. We don't have a clue.
> It looks like Rogian is
>going to invade Grimall.
CROW: They have fierce Grimalli warriors!
> The Archduke is getting rather anxious, spending
>lots of time upgrading his border outposts.
MIKE: It wouldn't take so long if they'd download the right DLL files first.
> It makes me glad Ellosia has no
>land borders. Dinath's Queen Kaitlin is courting King Louis V of Rogia,
>again."
CROW: [Harlan] He thinks he might even be able to get her to let him kiss
her tonight, too! (giggles girlishly)
> "Isn't he already married?" Avery asked.
TOM: So "intelligence" is just another word for "vicious gossip".
MIKE: Yeah, pretty much.
> "Queen Theresa died two months ago," Harland said.
CROW: News travels slow here, doesn't it?
> "King Louis is
>keeping it quiet, but our intelligence indicates that Prince Louis pushed
>his stepmother out a window.
TOM: All hail Louis the Defenestrator!
CROW: And it turns out jumpers always take of their glasses.
MIKE: What have I told you about watching CSI?
> Now on to internal affairs, and boy is this a
>mess, gentlemen."
MIKE: [Harlan] Things got complicated. My innocence has all but faded.
> "When has it not been?" Toshio interrupted.
CROW: [King] Remember last year's annual Christmas Party? Things were
pretty simple then.
> "You have a point," Harland said,
TOM: For the love of... is it Harlan or Harland? Decide!
MIKE: Maybe funnyman Harland Williams wandered in.
> opening another clipboard. "We'll
>start with Avtra. Duke Murdock has sent his soldiers to the border with
>Fasstime again,
CROW: Where they'll kick 100% of his ass!
> but word is this time that Cedric asked him to do it and
>hold steady. In the seven years Cedric has been Earl of Avtra, he's never
>done this before.
MIKE: [Harlan] We're pretty sure the old boy's finally wigged!
> Cedric has also disappeared from his castle on Dragon
>Island.
TOM: We believe he's been eaten.
> Rumor is he might be on his way to see his younger brother, as a
>message from Lord Elden had arrived shortly before the current chain of
>events began in Avtra.
MIKE: [Harlan] It read: "Dear Cedric, let's see if we can ool-fay the
ing-Kay from ars-May." We're trying to decode it.
> Oh, and Duke Murdock's annual request for an
>adjustment of his border near Janna Bay arrived yesterday, with his taxes."
TOM: [Harlan] Along with a note saying "Death to the Bloody Tyrant From
The Stars".
> "Pen the usual response, Lord Kelsey," the King directed.
CROW: Lord Kelsey Grammar?
TOM: The usual combination Emmy acceptance speech and rehab release
statement.
> "Only
>this time tell him that I've decided to question Earl Cedric and Lord Elden
>on their lord's respective behalf's, next time I see them.
MIKE: Oh, man, they pulled a pop quiz!
> I've let that
>issue go on too long."
> "Very well, your Majesty," Lord Kesley, the youngest member, save
>Prince Avery said. "I'll have it ready by this afternoon for your
>signature."
TOM: Thank you, Lord Brownnose!
> "Now on to Castrome, and perhaps our biggest problem," Harlan said.
> "Since when has Castrome been a problem," Toshio said. "I thought
>we solved that one years ago."
CROW: [Toshio] Didn't we drop a starship on them, too?
> "Since other Dukedoms started butting in again," Harlan said.
TOM: Wow, Mike, do real government officials use phrases like "butting in"
in official government meetings.
MIKE: I doubt it, but it would make the meetings more interesting. Even
more so if they used the "f" word!
>"It seems someone realized the importance of Lady Hayley.
MIKE: [Harlan] They just took her off the market yesterday. It's
extremely rare to find one now.
> Being in the direct
>line for two dukedoms makes her a very marriageable woman.
TOM: Despite being in the 8th grade.
> In particular,
>Lord Henry of Fasstime has approached Lord Elden of Castrome about marrying
>her, and opposing the King.
CROW: He proposed it all wrong and wound up marrying the King and opposing
Lady Hayley.
> Lord Elden immediately informed his wife, and
>Duchess Desiree and Lady Hayley immediately set out for Odyssey.
MIKE: And what of John's love for Marsha?
> Since
>then, Lord Elden has communicated with his brother and told Lord Henry that
>'he'll think about it.'"
CROW: And knowing his brother the way he did, that was the biggest laugh
Henry'd had all year.
> "What about the other two daughters of Duchess Desiree and Lord
>Elden?" the King asked.
TOM: Horseface and The Schnozz? Ah, who gives a rip?
> "Lea and Whitney have been moved to Castromepor Villa, and placed
>under Royal guard at Lord Elden's request," Harlan said.
CROW: *That'll* teach 'em to stay out partying past midnight!
> "We'll be sending
>a naval vessel to pick them up and bring them here soon. That's on Admiral
>Sidney's agenda.
MIKE: Battleship, taxi - pretty much the same thing.
> I believe you have an announcement concerning Lady Hayley,
>your majesty?"
CROW: [Harlan] I believe the coop is about to be nested. The sled is about
to get hitched, Spain is ready to claim the island.
> "Yes, I've decided that Lady Hayley will be marrying my son, as soon
>as practical," the King said.
TOM: [King] Namely, when they're both old enough to get a driver's license.
> "Duchess Desiree proposed the match, and I
>have informed her of my acceptance of the match.
CROW: So - there's a match?
MIKE: Let's not jump to conclusions.
> A public announcement will
>be made in today's session of Court.
TOM: Right above the "Dilbert" cartoon. It's a scream.
> Try not get dusty riding before then,
>Avery."
CROW: Is that a euphemism? That's a euphemism, isn't it?
TOM: Hope he remembers to wear his riding boots.
> "That solves part of our problem," Harlan said. "It seems Lord
>Henry has been busy.
MIKE: [King] He's mowed the lawn, painted the deck, *and* fixed that leaky
sink in the utility room.
> In response to my quires last night,
TOM: Huh? "Quires"?
MIKE: Maybe he meant "queries". Or "squires".
CROW: Or possibly even "choirs". You know, he sent the Royal Chorus out
to sing and spy.
> I have learnt
>that all of the Duke of Armedge's sons have been approached about an
>unspecified alliance with Fasstime.
CROW: They could tell because the first side of Led Zeppelin IV was playing.
> Since Duke Nolan is a very smart ruler,
MIKE: [Harlan] Compared to the rest of you...
>and his sons have spent quite a bit of time at court, the offers were
>rebuffed.
TOM: They're shinier now, and dangerous to walk on.
> In fact, Lord Henry's representative was thrown off the side of
>the second son's ship."
MIKE: And *immediately*, Riker showed up to chew the guy out!
CROW: This isn't a story, it's a dunking game.
> "I wasn't aware that Trevor had gotten a ship," the King said.
TOM: These guys sure do take nobles getting bumped off in stride.
MIKE: They take their cues from Good King Crash'n'Burn over there.
> "He took over the Godspeed from Captain Farley last week," Admiral
>Sidney said, flipping though his papers.
CROW: [Farley] You'll have plenty of time to be a sea captain when YOU'RE
LIVING IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!!!
> "That would be one of our fast cutters?" the King asked.
MIKE: It can do an appendectomy in just under 2 minutes.
> Admiral
>Sidney nodded. "Where is it now?"
TOM: [Sidney] In the cupboard between the cuisinart and the blender.
> "It's docked at Bluepor," Admiral said. "It's been reprovisioned
>and is await reassignment."
> "That's a quarter day's ride from Odyssey," the King said.
TOM: More if there's construction on the Bluepor-Odyssey Bypass!
MIKE: And there's *always* construction on the Bluepor-Odyssey Bypass!
> "After
>we're done here, Avery, I want you to take a ride to there, and give Captain
>Lord Treavor Armedge some new orders.
TOM: [King] But be back here in an hour for the wedding announcement. And
don't get dusty riding!
> Admiral Sidney, those orders are to
>go to Castromepor and retrieve Ladies Lea and Whitney and bring them back
>here."
CROW: Heeeeeey. "Lea Whitney" is almost the last two names of Grace Lee
Whitney, Yeoman Rand.
TOM: Very *good*, Crow. Do you think it's possible Ratliff is a Trekkie?
> "Now on to the center of this mess, Fasstime," Harlan said.
TOM: Amy Heckerling has a lot to answer for!
> "I'm
>not sure how long Lord Henry has been scheming, but he's been good about
>hiding it.
CROW: [Counselor] How good could he be if you know all about it?
MIKE: [King] YOU DARE QUESTION ME?!? GUARDS!!! GUARDS!!!
> Duke Lionel is most definitely unaware, as Lord Henry has been
>intrusted with the Ducal seal.
TOM: Fortunately, he and Tennessee Tuxedo escape almost daily.
> Previous patterns indicate that he may have
>arranged the whole Drake mess. He was the one to introduce Drake to the
>Earl of Dunsen's daughters.
MIKE: How fortunate they were able to crash on a planet with such English-
sounding names and titles.
TOM: Yeah, "Blrphul, the Suj of Nooo!rhsk" just doesn't have the same
majestic ring to it.
> I suspect that at least one of the three
>children, if not all, were actually his.
TOM: So - not so much "Star Trek" as "As The Backwards Feudal Planet Turns".
> When looking at the evidence from
>another angle,
CROW: It looks like a duck wearing a funny hat jumping rope.
> I've found a connection between Lord Henry and the poison
>used on Earl Drake.
MIKE: [Harlan] And this document here not only links him to the Kennedy
assassination, but prove he was the mastermind of the whole thing!
> Lord Henry was, and still is, in charge of customs at
>Dunsen on Fasstime.
TOM: So he's the guy who decides if it's still a 15 percent tip, or if it's
gone up to 20 percent or more.
> If anyone can sneak in poison, he can."
CROW: Actually - pretty much anyone *can* sneak in poison.
MIKE: It's not like it's gonna set off any metal detectors.
> "I wish you'd found that out seven years ago," the King said. "Then
>I would still have my court musician.
TOM: Oh, trying to subvert the kingdom is one thing, but messing with the
musicians' guild is asking for trouble.
MIKE: Yeah, the RIAA is going to be all over this guy.
> I've summoned all the Dukes, Lord
>Elden, Earl Cedric, and Lord Henry to Odyssey.
TOM: Along with Eubie Blake! Funnyman Guichee Guy! And the Mighty Ratliff
Art Players!
> Hopefully we'll be able to
>break this plot out into the open.
CROW: [King] If not, we'll just call in Sir Mulder and Countess Scully.
> Any thing else, Harlan?"
> "No, sire."
MIKE: [Harlan] Can I go back to just being a cranky SF writer now?
> "Then get some rest before court," the King said. "Lord Toshio."
TOM: [Toshio] I like Jewish rye and boysenberry!
> "Your highness, I'm the head of the King's Diplomatic services,"
>Toshio said.
TOM: [King, whispering] We just tell him that. Keeps him quiet.
> "Since Lord Harlan took up so much of our time,
CROW: [Toshio] The big blabbermouth!
> and Lord
>Kelsey does hate when we mess up his schedules, though he'll probably deny
>it,
MIKE: [Kelsey] I deny it!
> I'll stick to new business and updates today.
CROW: A sentence that can't be diagrammed in less than five dimensions.
> Rogia is still not
>accepting our overtures of peace, but they never do.
TOM: Try a movement of appeasement, with a quick arpeggio of isolation.
Then start singing "Itsy-Bitsy Teeny-Weeny Yellow Polka Dot
Bikini" until they surrender.
> It's a hopeless cause.
CROW: [Toshio] Life sucks, basically! Let's just kill ourselves!
>Grimall has asked for assistance in defended their shores."
MIKE: [Ed Grimley] Oh, I must simply insist, I must say! All this navy
business is just making me completely mental, doncha know?
> "Admiral Sidney, look into the possibility," the King ordered.
>"Toshio, I need more detail on that,
TOM: [King] There a small portion of my brain not yet clouded over with
meaningless facts.
CROW: [Toshio] I'm on it!
> see if you can get a representative of
>their navy to sit down with myself and Admiral Sidney."
TOM: [Toshio] Threaten to wipe out his entire family - got it!
> "Very well," Toshio said. "Queen Kaitlin of Dinath still wants to
>marry Avery, but that's now a moot point.
MIKE: Hrmph. You're de king! Make polygamy legal! Make both parties happy!
> That's all I have."
> "Admiral Sidney."
TOM: [Sidney] French loaf with Apple Butter.
> "Your highness, I am Lord Admiral of the Fleet.
MIKE: Have the orchestra standing by in case he starts singing Gilbert &
Sullivan.
> Since Lord Palmer,
>Army Chief of Staff, is currently reviewing training in Avtra, I'll be
>handling all of the Armed Forces briefing today," Admiral Sidney said.
TOM: [Sidney] Now, have you ever read a book called "Seven Days in May"?
>"Lord Palmer reports that all of the Army units are up to his standards,
>though he is worried about the loyalty of the Fasstime unit.
MIKE: [Sidney] He thinks they're a bunch of stinking, commie bastards, sire.
> Castromepor
CROW: That's an anagram for 'Rope Toms car.'
MIKE: That's unusually cryptic even for Stephen.
>Shipyards indicates that the new Ship of the Line that Lord Elden designed
>will be ready to launch in a week.
TOM: Of course it's made out of creamed chipped beef, so it won't get far.
> I must report that the frigate Caroline
>went aground and sunk off the coast of Rogia, after being chased by a Rogian
>ship of the line.
MIKE: It's the Dread Pirate Westley up to his old tricks.
> Her crew was captured, save a midshipman and some crewmen
>who evaded capture in the ship's boat."
TOM: Good lord. In space and at sea, the battle scenes are the same length.
> "See that the midshipman gets a reward," the King said.
CROW: For what? Bailing out and leaving his shipmates to their doom?
MIKE: Just my luck. I sit through hundreds of bad movies and internet
trash, and this guy gets rewarded for not dying.
> "Done, sire," Sidney said. "That's all I have to report."
> "Lord Kelsey, my schedule," the King asked.
CROW: [Kelsey] "Press Your Luck", "Spongebob Squarepants", "Monty Python's
Flying Circus", and a SuperChunk of "Hong Kong Phooey" cartoons.
> "9 o'clock, meeting with the Duchess of Castrome," Kelsey began.
MIKE: 9:15, make sure there are no lipstick stains on the royal collar.
>"10 o'clock, meeting with the Odyssey City Council about sewage and
>marketplace price gouging.
TOM: Man, people just have no respect at all for prices. They're always
either gouging them or slashing them!
> 11 o'clock, early lunch.
CROW: Maybe scheduling the lunch *after* the sewage discussion was a
bad idea.
> Noon to 3 o'clock,
>Court.
MIKE: [King] Look, I'm the absolute ruler of the planet! Can't you
just get the suit dismissed or something?
CROW: [Sidney] She's hired Johnny Cochrane.
MIKE: [King] Blast!
TOM: 3 o'clock, lunch.
> 4 o'clock, tea with the Queen.
CROW: [Kelsey] 4:30, Photo-op with Boy Scout who sold the most popcorn
this year.
> 5 o'clock meeting with the
>Ambassador of Dinath.
TOM: 6 o'clock, lunch.
> Please try not to insult him about his hair again,
>your majesty.
MIKE: [King] I'm telling you, it's a wig! Anybody can see that.
> 6 o'clock meeting with the Duke of Armedge about teenaged
>sons.
CROW: You're to come out in favor of sons in the abstract, but against
every particular one.
> 7 o'clock, annual town ball.
TOM: 8 o'clock, lunch.
> Recommend a short stay, as this is more
>for Prince Avery's set.
CROW: Although a kingly rave does sound like a good idea...
> Your highness will be glad to note that as a newly
>engaged man, the Prince will not have to dance with all the young ladies
>regardless of how ugly he may think they are.
TOM: Ah, he's the sensitive prince.
> You will be expected to stick
>to Lady Hayley."
MIKE: [Sidney] I've got some Krazy Glue right here.
TOM: 10 o'clock, lunch.
> "That, I can handle," Avery said.
> "That will be all at the moment," Kelsey said.
CROW: [Kelsey] Oh, wait! Bagels with blueberry!
> "Very well, I'll see you gentlemen early tomorrow, or if you're so
>inclined, at the ball," the King said before heading down the stairs."
>
>
TOM: 11 o'clock, lunch.
MIKE: We're done there.
> Clara had never slept on the ground before.
MIKE: And now, back to our regularly scheduled characters, barely in
progress.
> She also had the
>misfortune to sleep on a rock.
CROW: That's not "misfortune", Clara dear, it's "deep personal stupidity".
> So she didn't sleep well, and she was
>finding the minstrel to be overly cheerful.
MIKE: Plus there's the fact that he's - well, y'know - a *minstrel*!
> Clara was blaming it all on
>Marrissa.
TOM: Oooooooh, finally the scales are falling from her eyes!
> After all, she wouldn't have volunteered if it wasn't for
>Marrissa suggesting it.
CROW: [Clara] Wah! She *made* me do it by asking me!
TOM: Clara's the type that could be held up by e-mail.
> "Good morning, Ladies," Cedric said.
MIKE: [Clara] Well it was before *you* woke up!
> "It's time to get moving, if
>we want to get to Odyssey before midday."
TOM: One question, why didn't they just all beam down to the city? I mean,
they have no sensors, so they won't be able to detect it. And I doubt
it'd be too difficult to find a safe, quiet place to beam down.
CROW: Remember, Tommy, in a Ratliff stories, logic has been known to fly out
the window, go once around the planet and crash into a sand dune.
> The dry bread did not make for a good breakfast. If she was still
>on the Enterprise, Clara would have been having a good breakfast with a tall
>glass of apple juice, pancakes covered with maple syrup, and two eggs, sunny
>side up.
CROW: And then she's off to her daily liposuction and angioplasty
session!
> "You seem eager to get to Odyssey, Minstrel," Beverly said,
>smoothing out her robes.
TOM: [Cedric] Yeah, I gotta go throw a bone in the air and watch it turn
into a spaceship or somethin'.
> "Once I was King Richard's court minstrel, Sister," Cedric said.
MIKE: His name was "Sister"?
CROW: Wow, I can see how he went with "Cedric", then.
>"I have lots of old friends in the city I'd like to visit."
MIKE: Would that be before or after the giant ship turned the city
into Scrapheap Acres?
> "Then perhaps you might know of a good place to stay for my charge?"
>Sister Beverly said.
TOM: [Cedric] Uh, sorry, they don't take American Express.
> "I will be staying at the Cloister of the Overflowing Cup,
MIKE: The one with the big statue of Saint Dolly Parton.
>but they have limited space, and my charge's school does not open for
>another couple weeks."
> "For a young lady, staying alone,
TOM: [Cedric] She can always stay with me.
MIKE: [Clara] Enterprise? Beam me up now!
> I'd recommend either the White
>Dove,
CROW: It softens your hands while you do the dishes.
> or the Prancing Faire," Cedric said.
MIKE: Guys, didn't we explicitly order Stephen to never, under any
circumstances, attend a Renaissance Festival?
> "Personally, I used to stay at
>the Golden Rinnebeast, but that is mostly for sailors, well off merchant
>sailors, but sailors none the less."
CROW: [Clara] Wow! Hey, Bev, can we...
TOM: [Beverly] No! Well, *you* can't!
> Clara mounted her rinnebeast. It was not, as the herdmaster had
>said, a well tempered beast,
MIKE: Or even a well tempered clavier.
> at least in Clara's view. It tended to rear
>when she prompted it to move forwards, and its gait was rough.
TOM: Plus - again - it's a giant lizard!
CROW: Clara's affectionately nicknamed it "Walking Salmonella".
> Of course,
>since this was her first rinnebeast, she had no idea if this was normal.
MIKE: Check the owner's manual, in the dashboard.
>In any case, she'd be glad when they left this planet, because she never
>wanted to ride a rinnebeast again.
CROW: She wanted to be - A LUMBERJACK!!!
> Riding was Marrissa's gig, not hers. She was
>an engineer.
>
TOM: [Clara] Damn it! I'll build a horse!
> Marrissa, meanwhile, was dealing with her own problems. Most
>notably of these was her morning companion, Lieutenant Calgary. He was
>getting on her nerves.
MIKE: Okay, fellas - place your bets: Humiliation, death, or both for
Mister Moosejaw? I say death.
TOM: Humiliation - how can Marrissa lord her superiority over a dead guy?
CROW: Both. This guy's got "Redshirt that deserves it" written all over him.
> "So what are we going to do now, Miss Picard?" he asked, as they
>walked toward the docks.
MIKE: [Marrissa] Well first, I'm going to drag you behind these boxes and
slap you sideways...
TOM: Lieutenants on the Verge of a Sissy Slap-Fight.
CROW: Okay, okay, we get it already - Vancouver's a dillhead!
> "First thing we are going to do is to get a couple things straight,"
>Marrissa replied. "First, we are fellow Lieutenants on the same ship, with
>only a couple days seniority separating us.
MIKE: [Marrissa] Which means *I'm* the boss around here! Capisce?!
> Following naval tradition, we
>are expected to be on first name basis, and I don't know yours."
TOM: Yeah, the navy's real big on making sure all its lieutenants call each
other by their first names.
> "Kendrick, but everyone calls me Ken," Calgary said.
TOM: o/` He'll try to kill her with a forklift! Ole! o/`
CROW: Kendrick Calgary! He's a rogue Canadian Lieutenant who won't play by
the rules - but he gets results!
MIKE: Hey, I thought his name was "Ferguson".
TOM: Yeah, but he uses his middle name. Wouldn't you?
> "Marrissa, but you knew that. I never had a nickname I really
>liked," Marrissa said.
CROW: [Marrissa] Except for "Dread Lord" - that one was kinda neat.
> "And the other thing, ask if I'm dressed before
>entering my room, tomorrow."
MIKE: Then barge in anyway, in true romantic comedy fashion.
> "Sorry," Calgary said. "I'll try to remember. So, what are we doing?"
MIKE: [Marrissa] This! <SLAP!!!>
> "You're supposed to figure out if any of the Odyssey's technology
>has been used in the surrounding city," Marrissa said.
TOM: That sign that read "This Way to Ye Olde Anti-Matterre Fluxe
Inducter" might have been a slight clue.
> "I thought a tall
>tower might allow you to figure out where to look."
TOM: They're completely ignoring the large saucer-shape castle in the
center of the city, aren't they?
MIKE & CROW: Yup.
> "Where are we going to find this tall tower?" Calgary said, somewhat
>sarcastically.
TOM: One rude Canadian in all of space and time and he's posted to the
Enterprise.
> "I thought the Church of Saint Dominic might do the job," Marrissa
>said. "According to the Innkeeper it's known for it's hundred and two feet
>tall twin bell towers, and its clock.
CROW: Yeah, and the gift shop, too.
TOM: Plus they have a great little cafe just around the corner.
> I thought you might want to look at
>the clock as well.
MIKE: [Marrissa] Cuz my birthday's coming up, ya know.
> The accuracy of time pieces is supposed to be a good way
>to judge how advanced a place is."
CROW: Or how obsessive their clockmakers are.
TOM: But how do they know if a time piece is accurate?
> "How would you know?" Calgary asked, as they turned up a broad
>avenue towards the distant church.
TOM: [Marrissa] I'm the Avatar here, I'm supposed to know everything.
> "I read about it in 'Evaluating Pre-stellar Culture,'
MIKE: ...'And How To Crush Them'."
> Captain
>Harrington, 2285," Marrissa said.
MIKE: Starfleet has enough Harringtons that they have to number them?
CROW: Honor's been busy.
> "I may not have much experience, but I am
>at least book smart."
>
MIKE: And in that sentence, she has summed up all that is wrong with the
modern educational system.
> If there was one vice that Prince Avery had, it was racing his
>rinnebeast.
MIKE: That and trendy redrum heroin.
TOM: Mike! No!
> He liked to ride his pale gold colored lizard as fast as he
>could go.
CROW: A blistering half-foot per hour.
> At the normal sedate pace that everyone else traveling the road
>to Bluepor was taking, it took about two hours to get there.
MIKE: Man, I don't care what century you're in, traffic's always murder.
> Avery did it
>in half that. Of course, his rinnerbeast nearly ran over several of his
>fellow travelers,
TOM: [Avery] Outta my way! Stupid non-royal type travelers!
> but most of them were locals, who knew that when you heard
>Prince Avery coming, you got out of the way.
MIKE: So it doesn't matter that he almost ran over the peasants. He's
royalty, they should know better than clogging up his country!
> So, it wasn't surprising that
>Avery's rinnebeast was breathing heavily when he reached the dock where the
>Godspeed was docked.
CROW: He's making the world's first obscene rinnebeast call.
> Avery tied up his rinnebeast and approached the
>gangplank.
> "Who goes there?" a sailor said from on board.
TOM: [Avery] Yo' mama!
> "Prince Avery, from Odyssey. I bring orders from Admiral Sidney and
>the King for Captain Lord Trevor Armedge."
CROW: *ahem* Two pounds of salami, a loaf of pumpernickel, a bottle of
spicy mustard and a six-pack of Sam Adams Honey Ale.
> Lord Trevor quickly appeared by the sailor side. "Welcome on board
>your highness," he said.
TOM: And the buttkissing will commence - now.
> Avery bounded up the gangplank. "Thank you, Captain," Avery
>replied, carefully pulling the folded and sealed orders out from under his
>over tunic. "Is there some place that I can give these to you in private?"
MIKE: It's the map to Olive Oyl's Gold Mine!
> "Certainly," Trevor said. "May I show your highness to my
>quarters?"
CROW: Hey Mike, remember when I showed *my* highness to your quarters?
MIKE: Yes, but somehow a mooning doesn't mean as much when it comes
from a robot.
> Together they went aft and into the Captain's Quarters. It wasn't
>very big, in Avery's standards, but it had a desk, a couple chairs, and a
>bed of sorts.
MIKE: Hey, it's bigger than my old dorm room.
CROW: A janitor's closet was bigger than your dorm room, Mike.
MIKE: Well, I went to UW-Stout on the economy plan.
> On the bed, nearly hidden, was a garment that Avery thought
>looked similar to his sister's breast bindings.
TOM: How does he know what his sister's...
CROW: Avery's just a Jack of all Perversions, isn't he?
MIKE: Whole Weird Area, hard to port, Cap'n!
> "Still taking the ladies to bed, Trevor?" Avery asked.
TOM: [Trevor] Yes, then tucking them in and singing them lullabies.
> "A lady in every port, as Admiral Sidney once said, your highness,"
>Trevor replied.
TOM: And a shot in every infirmary.
> "We are alone, Trevor," Avery replied, handing over the sealed
>orders. "And I don't know how you do it."
TOM: [Trevor] I don't! I just make it all up! God, I'm so lonely!
> "Don't knock it until you try it, and I'm sure your father wouldn't
>mind a few royal bastards around," Trevor replied,
MIKE: Bringing shame to your house, fighting bloody wars for a piece of
their birthright...
CROW: Their kids growing up to have other royal bastards.
TOM: A real vicious circle.
> opening the orders with a
>knife from his desk.
TOM: Action Plantagenet!
> "He might not mind, but I'm sure Lady Hayley would," Avery replied.
> "So they finally decided who to betroth you to. I wish you all the
>luck,"
CROW: [Trevor] And I mean that in the most fawning, insincere, misogynistic
way possible.
> Trevor said as he read over the orders. "It seems I'm to go pick up
>your future sisters-in-law.
CROW: [Trevor] Ho-yeah! Score two for the T-Man!
> May I assume that you've been briefed on Lord
>Henry's ambitions?"
TOM: He shall never become the Wendy's shift manager while I breathe! Never!
> "I've been told that you threw his messenger off your ship," Avery
>said.
MIKE: [Trevor] Yeah, but I kept his palm pilot.
> "I had him tossed overboard when he threatened me," Trevor said.
TOM: They're throwing more people in the water than we're joking about
throwing them in the water!
>"Then he snuck back on board that night and tried to kill me. I lost three
>men, including my first mate, as a result.
CROW: At that point I began taking it personally.
> Let your father and Lord Harlan
>know just how far Lord Henry will go. I'll depart within the hour."
MIKE: If you can't leave in an hour, you can leave in a huff. If that's
too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.
> The two walked back up on deck, and Prince Avery took his leave,
>racing back to Odyssey.
>
MIKE: [Doodles] And in last place by 40 lengths, I believe it is, yes it is,
Feetlebaaaaaaaaaaaum!
> Up with the bells of the Church of the Overflowing Cup,
TOM: Overseen by Bishop Norm.
ALL: Norm!
> Lieutenant
>Calgary was finding it hard not to tell Marrissa that this had been a good
>idea.
TOM: D'oh! No, c'mon, Calgary, fight the mindspell!
CROW: Yeah, don't wimp out on us like Jellico did!
> This city, was not a typical city compared to Earth's in the
>fourteenth century.
MIKE: The strip clubs were a dead giveaway.
> It had wide avenues, no sign of open sewage drains, and
>if he wasn't mistaken, those were aqueducts bringing in running water to
>most of the city.
CROW: Sanitation - your sign of pure evil!
> The aqueducts were within the tech level, but not generally this
>wide spread. Every part of the city had access to one of them.
CROW: So it's not up to Renaissance levels but it is up to Roman Empire
standards?
MIKE: [deadpan] Truly these marvels could not have been possible without
Starfleet technology.
> He looked over at Marrissa, who was peering into one of the bells.
TOM: Their clean copper clappers had been copped by Cleveland kleptomaniac
Claude Cooper.
>It was almost time for the things to ring. "Get out of those bells," he
>called.
CROW: Thanctuary! Thanctuary!
> Marrissa ducked out of them, just as the monk below started to pull
>the rope. The bell rose, tilting upward until it reached halfway.
MIKE: Ummm - halfway *where*?
TOM: It's a Zen question, Mike.
> The monk
>let it go, and the bell swung down, ringing it's deep tone. Beside it other
>bells began to ring, in the classic peal of the hour.
CROW: Meanwhile, wagonloads of angels get their wings,
> "What were you doing?" Calgary said. "You could of been killed when
>that bell rang."
MIKE: But I was nowhere in sight when the church bells rang.
CROW: [warningly] Mike...
MIKE: Oh, c'mon! One little Christopher Cross reference.
TOM: That's the way it *always* starts, Nelson - with just one!
> "Sorry, I didn't know," Marrissa said nervously, barely heard over
>the bells.
CROW: Her tintinnabulation is just getting worse and worse.
MIKE: She didn't know? Has she never watched a cartoon in her life?
> "Some day you are going to get yourself killed if you don't start
>being more careful," Calgary said.
TOM: [Marrissa] I knew I wouldn't die - I'm the author's pet character.
MIKE: [Calgary] That's ridiculous!
TOM: [Marrissa] You *did* just save me, right?
MIKE: [Calgary] Yeah, but - D'OH!
> "I don't want to be the one to tell your
>father that you did something stupid and got yourself killed."
CROW: Oh! Oh! I'll do it!
TOM: Me! Me! Me!
MIKE: Spread out, you two - *I'll* handle this!
> Unfortunately for Calgary, this rant went unheard,
TOM: His Lewis Black CD was defective.
> as the tolling of
>the hour was much louder than his voice.
>
CROW: And the whole concept of "tell her again after the bells are done
ringing" escaped him.
>
>--
>Stephen Ratliff
>
>"But let him Dream" - Robert Picard, TNG's "Family"
>
CROW: So - five chapters in, and so far all we've got is a secret engagement
so secret even the *bride* doesn't know, lots of boring royal types
sitting around jawboning, Marrissa goes clock climbing, and a wet
Captain Picard.
MIKE: Yeah, that pretty well sums it up.
TOM: *sigh* Makes me long for the rip-roaring action sequences of
"Monster-a-Go-Go".
>Path:
>sn-us!sn-xit-01!supernews.com!207.217.77.43.MISMATCH!newsfeed1.
>earthlink.net!newsfeed.earthlink.net!stamper.news.pas.earthlink.net!
>newsread2.prod.itd.earthlink.net.POSTED!not-for-mail
>From: Stephen Ratliff <stephen...@earthlink.net>
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: NEW TNG Royal and Prime Directives 6/16 [PG] (Marrissa Stories)
>Message-ID: <c5q0euotvo9riacsg...@4ax.com>
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CROW: X-Newsreader! Anne Curry gains super mutant powers!
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>Date: Tue, 14 May 2002 01:35:59 GMT
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>Organization: EarthLink Inc. -- http://www.EarthLink.net
>Xref: sn-us alt.startrek.creative:159075
>
>Title: Royal and Prime Directives
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
>Contact: stephen at trekiverse dot org
>Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories
>Part: NEW 6/16 Serialized Weekly (resuming this week after awards delay)
MIKE: Awards delay?
CROW: Stephen takes time off every year to picket the Oscars.
TOM: Well, you never know - one day they may actually give Marina Sirtis
the Best Supporting Actress award.
>Rating: [PG]
>Summary: The crew of Enterprise-E investigates a planet where a starship
>Captain crashed 20 years ago has been ruling a small nation
>
CROW: His name? Saddam Hussein.
>Chapter Five: Leaders exit stage right
>
MIKE: [Snagglepuss] Immediately, even!
> Beverly, Clara, and Cedric had just reached the gates of Odyssey.
TOM: But there's still a 45 minute wait to actually get on the ride.
>They could hear the church bells toll ten times as they rode their
>rinnebeasts through the tall white gates.
CROW: Meaning it's time for "The Price is Right"
> As they reached the first
>intersection, Cedric paused. "I believe it's time for us to part company,"
>Cedric said.
MIKE: [Cedric] You can't get me drunk. You won't get me laid. Your
usefulness is at an end.
> "Sister, the cloister is four streets down,
TOM: [Cedric] And your Charmander is across town.
> and two streets to
>the right.
MIKE: And straight on 'till morning.
> Young Clarrissa, you'll find both the Prancing Faire and the
>White Dove, two blocks from here."
CROW: Why's he sending Clarrissa to gay bars?
> "And if I want to try the Golden Rinnebeast?" Clara asked, with a
>mischievous grin.
TOM: Try it with duck sauce.
> "And why would you want to do that?" Cedric asked
> "I've got a friend who's third mate on merchant vessel," Clara said.
MIKE: [Cedric] Hey, hey! Say no more, sister!
>"I want to see if she's in town."
CROW: [Clarrissa] I promised her we'd pub crawl tonight, maybe take in
a rave!
> "Third left, and all the way to the docks," Cedric said. "And if
>you have time before school starts, feel free to stop by to see me."
ALL: Ewwwwww!
> "And where do you live?" Clara asked.
> "Duke of Avtra's residence, near the West gate, It's impossible to
>miss," Cedric said.
MIKE: [Cedric] It's the butt-ugliest house in town.
> "A Duke's residence?" Clara said, somewhat surprised.
TOM: [Cedric] I'll be the one outside begging for scraps.
> "I am the Earl of Avtra, now, so my father frowns upon me living in
>the old sailor quarters I used to frequent," Cedric said.
MIKE: It used to be fine back when he was a boy, but now...
> "I must be off.
>The King will no doubt want my report, and I believe one of the gate keepers
>recognized me.
TOM: [Cedric] And I think I owe him ten bucks! I gotta bail!
> Good day, honored sister, young lady."
MIKE: [Cedric] Whateveryournamesare!
> With that, Cedric
>turned his rinnebeast and rode off towards the west end of town.
CROW: Where he was mugged, pantsed, and his rinnebeast stripped for parts.
> Now that Cedric was gone, Clara turned to the Doctor. "Did you
>notice those gates?" Clara asked.
TOM: *snort*
MIKE: [Clara] So that guy was royalty. Hey, check out that fencework!
CROW: Kind of ironic that she's asking Dr. Crusher about Gates though,
isn't it?
> "The ones that look like they were made out of the hull of a
>starship?" Beverly said. "Yes. Jean-Luc will want to know about those.
TOM: [Beverly] He's been looking all over for a pair. Home Depot was out.
>I want you to go get yourself a room. Try the White Dove first.
CROW: [Clara] But I hate white chocolate!
> I have to
>meet Jean-Luc at the market.
MIKE: Yeah. "Meet me at the market a couple days from now." That's not
directions, that's how you ditch the weird girlfriend.
> Give me your rinnebeast. I'll sell them off,
>and meet you at the inn around two."
>
MIKE: Wonder what the used Rinnebeast market is like?
CROW: Hi! I'm Cal Worthington, and this is my Rinnebeast, Spot!
> In the center of the marketplace, Beverly Picard waited. She'd
>gotten rid of her nun's outfit,
TOM: Now she was wearing her "Naughty Policewoman" costume.
> and now wore the typical dress of a merchant
>seaman's wife,
MIKE: An extra-short Japanese schoolgirl uniform!
> that is a well worn skirt and blouse, sort of a cream in
>color, highlighted with a red twine belt, the sign of a captain's wife.
CROW: All the other women wearing red rope belts had been arrested for
impersonating a wife.
>The marketplace was quite full.
TOM: Even John Flansburg was there talking about Napster.
> There were butchers and bakers, farmers and
>candlestick makers.
MIKE: And there was Jack and Mrs. Sprat, Little Jack Horner, Mary Quite
Contrary, and all the kings horses and all the kings men were there
having scrambled eggs for breakfast again.
CROW: And loan sharks. Don't forget the throngs of loan sharks.
> A woman passed by, with a basket full of eggs and a
>couple young children following her. The children wore little or nothing,
>not an uncommon trait of tropical cultures.
TOM: But since we never established that we're in a tropical culture, these
kids are just exhibitionists.
> In the center of the market place, there was some sort of memorial.
TOM: The VFW put up another statue of General Pershing.
>Beverly walked over to it, as it would be a typical meeting place. It was a
>granite half disk, sent in the ground at about a sixty degree angle.
MIKE: It's Albany's "Egg" arena at the Empire State Plaza.
>She took the time to read it's inscription.
TOM: *sigh* Yes, it is inscription.
MIKE: You're picking at the little things again, Crow.
TOM: I know. Sometimes, I just can't help it.
> "For the dead of the town of
>Sappor, dead the last day of the reign of King Ferrel IX.
CROW: Well that's what happens when you make a ferret a king. He spends
all day poinging around the palace, proclaiming every day National
karaoke day, getting distracted by shiny objects, running from
switchblade-carrying rabbits...
> May the world
>remember, but not suffer, their loss.
TOM: "Unless there's something good on TV."
> Erected on this ninth day of the
>second year of the reign of King Richard I." It was followed by a long list
>of names.
MIKE: Oddly, it turned out to be the 1927 Yankees line-up.
> Beverly found the inscription puzzling.
CROW: [Beverly] "Make Seven Up Yours". What the...
> She was still looking at it when Captain Picard arrived. "Good
>Afternoon, my love," he said, as he came up beside her.
> Beverly jumped,
TOM: Well, might as well jump.
CROW: Yeah, go ahead and jump.
> a little startled. "Don't do that!" Beverly said.
> Jean-Luc nuzzled up to his wife,
TOM: What is he, a porpoise?
> "Do what?" he whispered in her ear.
MIKE: [Beverly] Grab my butt and make that honking sound!
> "Startle me," Beverly replied, as he embraced her. "What do you
>make of this?"
CROW: [Johnny] Why, I can make a hat. Or a broach! Or a pterodactyl!
> "Remember, but not suffer?" Jean-Luc read. "Captain York always did
>have an interesting turn of the phrase."
MIKE: Of course, he makes less sense than most Dadists...
> "Shall we be going?" Beverly asked. "I've been wanting to see your
>ship again."
TOM: Was that a euphemism?
MIKE: Hard to tell.
> "I thought we might make a little detour to a little alcove I
>found," Jean-Luc said, kissing her.
TOM: Okay, that was *definitely* a euphemism.
CROW: Whoa! Picard must've picked up some Sapporan Viagra!
> "Captain Jean-Luc Picard!" Beverly said, acting scandalized at her
>husband's behavior.
MIKE: Um... mission? Focus, guys? Before the plot hits you?
> "Or perhaps a stop at hotel..." Jean-Luc said, throughly enjoying
>teasing his wife.
CROW: [Picard, sing-songily] Free HBO!
> "Or perhaps a stop in the brig," a stout man with a red beard said.
MIKE: Yukon Cornelius strikes again!
TOM: [Yukon Cornelius] Have I ever told you about bumbles? Bumbles bounce!
> The Captain and the Doctor looked up to discover a man on a golden
>rinnebeast, surrounded by his accompanying guard. "I don't believe we've
>met," Picard said, recovering from his surprise.
MIKE: [Picard] Or at least I hope we haven't! [mumbling] Damn Viagra-
induced blackouts...
> "Well, I know you, Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation
>Starship Stargazer," the man said.
CROW: They're so backwards on this planet they haven't even seen the "Next
Generation" tech manual!
> "And if I'm not mistaken, your companion
>is that strumpet that Jack Crusher always had on his arm...
TOM: Strumpet?
CROW: I guess that means Troi is Riker's strombone.
> Beverly, If I
>remember correctly. I'll have to put a watch out for him.
MIKE: [Harlan] He likes Seiko, right?
> I'm Lord Harlan,
>Chief of Palace Security, and I'm charging you with treason."
CROW: John Ashcroft *is* Lord Harlan!
> "I don't know what you're talking about," Jean-Luc said. "I'm just
>the captain of a small ship in the harbor."
TOM: [Roger Whitaker] o/` I'm the captain of a shiiiip in the hah-ah-arbor!
And I'm not here to spy on yooooou at aaaaall! o/`
> "We'll see about that." Lord Ellison said.
CROW: Ellison? It *is* Harlan Ellison! See?
> "Guards, seize them."
CROW: [Larry] We seez them!
TOM: [Curly] Yeah, dey're right dere!
MIKE: [Moe] Get with it, you knuckleheads!
> Two men took hold of Beverly, one grabbing hold of each arm.
TOM: Quickly, they disarmed her.
MIKE & CROW: D'OH!!!
> As she
>struggled futilely, she saw two more soldiers had Jean-Luc.
CROW: Sheesh! Kirk would've needed like five guards fighting him off
one at a time to get caught.
TOM: Or one cute technicolor woman bonking him with a rock from behind.
> "Charge them with public lewdness, and put them in the bottom of the
>dungeon," Lord Harlan said.
>
MIKE: He tried putting the last prisoners on the *side* of the dungeon, but
they just wouldn't stick.
TOM: So, let's recap. Public nudity is okay, but kissing sends you to the
dungeon. Everyone clear on this?
CROW: Daaamn! They landed on Planet Taliban!
> Prince Avery entered the throne room
MIKE: Geez, now I've got to use the throne room.
CROW: You should have thought about that before you came in here, Mike.
> from the door labeled "Portside
>Gym." It was one of the original entrances to the throne room, located just
>to the right of the throne.
TOM: So the bridge was right next to the gymnasium? What, did Jack La Lane
design the Odyssey?
> He'd just come from his room, where he'd
>changed out of his dusty riding clothes.
MIKE: So much for trying not to get dusty.
> Now he wore a clean cut outfit.
CROW: In fact, he looked just like Fred MacMurray!
>It was dark blue, his favored color, and had the rather simple symbol of
>the Royal Family embroidered on the left breast in silver and gold thread.
TOM: Oh c'mon, it's just an old Izod shirt!
CROW: Now, this is *not* his gym outfit, right?
>His mother appraised his attire as Lord Kelsey announced his arrival.
CROW: She offered him $50 - $55 if he threw in the shoes.
> He hadn't
>expected to see her.
CROW: [Avery] MOOOOOM! Stop it! I can dress myself!
MIKE: [Claire] Not until you stop putting underwear on the outside.
CROW: [Avery] But it's the style!
MIKE: [Claire] Not *MY* underwear, it isn't!
> Queen Claire wore a woven white dress that hid her thin body.
MIKE: As dresses are wont to do.
> She'd
>lost a lot of weight in her latest illness, and it showed in her haggard
>face. She did not look like she should be up.
TOM: Overall, just remember: don't get old. And if you must get old, don't.
> "Mother, you should be in bed," Prince Avery whispered as he took
>his usual spot next to her.
MIKE: [Avery] And why do you keep calling me Oedipus?
> "I will not miss this day," the Queen said, back "You can have me
>packed up to bed after we make the announcement."
TOM: Only if he has enough styrofoam peanuts.
> "The Duchess of Castrome and her daughter,
CROW: [Announcer] Princess Bag'o'Hammers! D'OH! I mean...!
> the Lady Hayley," Lord
>Kelsey announced. The door men pulled the rope that opened the siding door
>where most entered the throne room.
MIKE: The siding door - it's attractive, and lasts longer than wood.
CROW: Get a free estimate today at 1-888-SIDINGDOOR! No salesmen will call!
> Prince Avery immediately was drawn to his future wife.
TOM: Her powerful electromagnetic broach worked like a charm.
> Lady Hayley
>was dressed in a deep green gown, and wore a short white cape with the
>crimson Latin cross of Castrome on it.
CROW: The adventures of Feudal Woman!
> She and her mother approached the
>throne. They curtseyed deeply,
TOM: In fact, it was 3 hours before they came up for air.
> Hayley looking directly at him. She had
>beautiful deep blue eyes.
MIKE: You could see the back of her head through them!
> They took their place in the Castrome seats to
>the left of the throne.
CROW: Castrome Convertibles?
> Of the four Dukedoms, Castrome had the closest
>seats to the King in the throne room.
MIKE: Early in the process of national identity-formation, they called
"shotgun".
> Avery decided that it was time he sat
>in his, and crossed in front of his mother and father to sit in his chair,
>just one step down from his parents.
TOM: *gasp* He crossed the thrones!
MIKE: Is that bad?
TOM: Try to imagine all royalty as you know it stopping instantaneously,
and every molecule in your castle exploding at the speed of light.
MIKE: Alright, important safety tip.
> Lord Kelsey was announcing more arrivals. "The Earl of Avtra and
>heir to the Dukedom, Cedric."
CROW: The Original Earl of Comedy.
> "Ah, Earl Cedric," the King said. "May I hope that my former
>minstrel brings this court good news?"
CROW: Yes! Important news on life insurance that no monarch can afford to
be without! You cannot be turned down!
> "Some, your majesty," Cedric said.
MIKE: [Cedric] We *are* getting a PetsMart, but Krispy Kreme still won't
touch us.
> "Our best dragon just flew with
>30 stone. We may have that air force you mentioned sooner than you think.
[pause]
MIKE: If we're getting the Pern Kids Crew in here I'm leaving.
TOM: Not before you pull out my memory modules, you're not.
>And my lady wife is with child."
CROW: His gentlemen wife is still barren, though.
> "I wasn't aware you had wed," the King said.
TOM: [Cedric] Oh really, uh, I'm sure I sent you an invitation... (Under
his breath) Car-keys-car-keys-car-keys!
> "Yes, just five months ago," Cedric said.
MIKE: [Cedric] And she's only three months along. Get your mind out of
the gutter, sire.
> "Perhaps you remember
>Lady Abby of Arlipor?"
MIKE: Angie Harmon!
CROW: No, Stockard Channing!
TOM: Either way - *grrrrrrrwl*!
> "Wasn't that the girl that broke your favorite lute the day before
>you became Earl?" the King asked.
CROW: [Cedric] Yep. I made her marry me!
TOM: [King] You're a cruel, cruel man, Cedric.
> "The same," Cedric replied. "I also have some private communication
>for you and my honored sister-in-law."
MIKE: [Cedric] I'd read it to you now, except it gets kinda randy.
> "Lord Kelsey, reserve some time after court for Earl Cedric," the
>King said. "I look forward to our chat."
TOM: [King] I'll be HunniBunni421 and you can be Born2bone.
> "Lord Edwin of Fishmong..." Lord Kelsey announced
ALL: [bored] Yay.
TOM: [Kelsey] Mr. and Mrs. George W. Grizzwald.
[Everybody cheers excitedly]
> as Avery lost
>attention.
TOM: Quick! Break out the Ritalin!
> He was too busy examining Lady Hayley.
CROW: Subject: Human adolescent female age between 16 and 19. Current
status: bootylicious!
> Hayley wasn't paying
>attention either. She was staring at her feet,
TOM: Trying to remember which one had the "L" written on it.
> while one hand played with
>her golden hair.
CROW: And sucking on a lollipop too, no doubt.
> Avery had built up an image of her in his day dreams when
>he had decided that Lady Hayley was who he wanted.
MIKE: [Avery] Hey, she doesn't look a *thing* like Charlize Theron!
> She didn't disappoint.
TOM: Now, is that the real Lady Hayley, or is that Lady Amidala pretending
to be the servant, or what?
>True her cleavage was slight,
CROW: Aw, man, Noah's gonna be so disappointed.
> and she was rather small, as evidenced by her
>swinging legs, but she had all Avery wanted.
MIKE: Property, power and the brains of a mayonnaise sandwich.
> She was cute. She was Avery's
>age, and she was his.
TOM: o/' You're sixteen - you're beautiful - and you're miiiine! o/`
> With the entry of the last of the observing members of the nobility,
>the Countess of Dunson and her son, Lord Kelsey lifted his ornate staff
CROW: Eww, not in public!
>and pounded it for order. The room quieted.
TOM: [Noble] Well, better listen up, Old Starchy wants to talk.
MIKE: [Noble] Yeah, time for the daily crockpot!
> "Welcome to the Court of Odyssey,
>on this the fourth day of the third month of the twentieth year
TOM: Now add that up, and reduce the answer to shillings and pence.
> in the reign
>of his most tranquil majesty, Richard the First of Ellosia.
CROW: [Kelsey] Let's give it up for King Dicky, and a shout out to his
mad posse!
> Before we take
>up the petitions before the throne, his majesty has ask me to read the
>following proclamation."
MIKE: [Kelsey] *ahem* "His most gracious Majesty, the King, wishes to
inform his loyal subjects of the opportunities available in Amway."
> "To all Lords and Ladies of Ellosia, it gives great pleasure for me
>to announce the engagement of Prince Avery Richard Paul,
TOM: Prince Richard Paul?
CROW: Handle it, Roy. Hannleit, hannleit!
> heir to my throne
>and Earl of Suppor,
MIKE: And baron of between-meal snacks.
> son of our self and our most gracious Queen Claire,
TOM: [Kelsey] We think...
>to Lady Hayley Desiree,
CROW: I think that's actually her porn star name.
> heir to the Dukedom of Castrome and daughter of the
>Duchess of Castrome and Lord Eldon of Avtra, third son of the Duke of Avtra.
CROW: [Kelsey] Pretentious title, pretentious title, unnecessary lineage,
yadda yadda yadda...
TOM: If they get the counting wrong the monarchy's dissolved and they have
to start from scratch.
>The blessed union will occur three weeks from last Sunday.
MIKE: So that would be two weeks from this Sunday and five weeks before
seven Sundays from now.
> We hereby summon
CROW: ...Candyman! Candyman! Ca-
TOM: Crow, no!
>all the ruling Lords of Ellosia to Odyssey for this most scared union.
TOM: [Avery, voice cracking] I-I-I'm not scared! Th-the thought of-of
marriage d-d-d-doesn't scare memememe a b-b-bit!!
>Signed King Richard."
MIKE: A.K.A., Grand Funkmaster Most High.
> Lady Hayley looked up cautiously.
TOM: [Nature documentary] The young female pops quickly out of her hole
and ascertains her surroundings before making any rash movements.
> She was blushing, and everyone
>was looking at her.
CROW: [Hayley] I *knew* I shouldn't have worn these shoes! They make my
feet look so fat!
> Avery stood up. He walked down to his intended bride.
>"My lady, I believe we are wanted on the dais,"
BOTS: o/` On the dais, on the dais - ohohoh, on the dais! Hayley's wanted
on the dais! o/`
MIKE: Okay, if I can't mention Christopher Cross, where do you two get
off with the Falco bits?
CROW: It's a matter of, um, perspective, Mike.
MIKE: "Perspective"?
TOM: It's complex. You wouldn't understand.
> Avery said, reaching out for
>Hayley's hand. She took it and stood.
TOM: And of course she can't shout "NO!", flip over the table, and run out
the door crying. No, *that* might actually be *interesting*!
> Her hand was so soft and small.
MIKE: He actually thought she was Dale.
>Side by side, they walked up the aisle to the throne.
TOM: Nay! They skipped, lighting the world aflame with their transcendent
love!
> As Avery bowed before his parents and Hayley curtsied, the Queen
>collapsed, siding out of her throne and on to the floor.
CROW: There's cheap aluminum everywhere! Oh, the humanity!
> A cry of alarm
>rose up in the room,
MIKE: A shot rang out and the lights darkened. When they were lit again,
somebody lay dead on the floor.
> as the King moved to his wife's side, gently laying her
>out on the dais before the throne. "Send for the Royal Doctor!" the King
>ordered.
MIKE: [Guard] CALLING DR. BOMBAY!
TOM: [Ditto] CALLING DR. BOMBAY!
> Almost before he completed the command the Doctor brust into the
>room from a side door, two men carrying a litter behind him.
TOM: Of course! Puppies will make this all better!
> As the doctor made his way to the Queen's side, he could be heard to
>mutter,
CROW: [Doctor] I bet the HMO won't cover this!
> "I told her she needed to stay in bed, but did she listen to me..."
CROW: [Doctor] Now I suppose they're gonna blame *me* her jaw fell off.
> Avery watched as his mother was placed on the litter.
MIKE: Bad Queen! You go here! Not on the carpet!
> Hayley had
>found her way under his arm,
TOM: Even now, she was turning an interesting shade of green from his
noxious bodily funk.
> and he drew comfort from her steady presence,
CROW: And copped a feel at the same time.
>but he still was worried.
MIKE: [Avery] Jeez, I'm at a major booty call and I'm *still* worried about
my mother. What is wrong with me?
> His father's face was drawn with lines of worry,
TOM: Probably by Frank Miller.
>as the King held his wife's hand. The litter began to leave the throne
>room.
CROW: Wait! Don't forget to separate your recyclables!
> The King looked around the room as he moved as if to follow the
>Queen.
MIKE: [King] If I follow as far as the foyer, I can slip away to Ye
Olde Royal Strippe Clubbe.
> Then he approached his son. "Avery, I know this is a little sudden,
TOM: But get out!
>and you've had no time to prepare," the King began,
CROW: Still, it's gonna count as 20% of your final grade.
> "but I want you to
>handle court today.
MIKE: Sifuentes is out sick, and Kuzak's got too many cases of his own.
> I'm too worried about your mother to make decisions
>today."
CROW: [King] I'm just gonna go back to bed and watch Oprah.
> "Father, what makes you think I'd do any better," Avery replied.
MIKE: [Avery] On the other hand, I could hardly do any worse...
TOM: [King] Hey!
>"She is my mother, and I've never held court before."
TOM: Why not just ask everybody to use their best judgement for eight hours?
CROW: Right. Last time they did that the Duke of Fasstime sold Ellosia for
a set of magic beans.
> "Try for me, Avery," the King said.
TOM: [King] C'mon, don't make me do any actual work here.
> "If you don't feel comfortable
>deciding something, you can have it wait until I can handle it,
CROW: [Townsperson] Your Majesty! A giant monster is attacking and half
the city is on fire! What should we do?
MIKE: [Avery] Hmm, I'd better wait on this one.
> and my
>ministers will give you any advice you need. Chin up, son.
MIKE: [King] That's good. Now, stand up straight. Tummy in. Chest out.
You too, Hayley!
> I'm sure your
>mother will recover."
CROW: [Avery] But her torso just fell off!
MIKE: [King] A minor setback. No biggie.
> Avery looked at his father. The words did not match the worn lines
>of worry etched into his father's face.
MIKE: He's been badly dubbed!
TOM: [Bad Kung Fu movie] Youmyson! You! Must hold court! Inmyplace! *GRUNT!*
> But what could Avery do?
TOM: Well, he could order a pepperoni & sausage pizza.
MIKE: Or prance and gad about like a ninny.
CROW: Or depose Ma & Pa and seize the throne in a vicious, bloody power grab.
> He wasn't
>a doctor, and if he joined is father in pacing outside his mother's room
>he'd only get in the way.
CROW: My sister's cat is more aware than Avery, and the cat keeps walking into
the wall.
> "I hope so, father," Avery said. "I'll try my
>best."
TOM: It took the king 10 minutes to stop chuckling.
> "Thank you, Avery," the King said before turning to hurry to his
>Queen's bedside.
MIKE: [King] Claire? Honey? C'mon, seriously, where'd you hide the key to
the liquor cabinet?
> Avery went over to move his chair, Hayley at his side. "Have you
>ever done this?" he whispered
MIKE: [Hayley] Oh sure, with lots of guy- oh wait, the holding court thing.
CROW: Ahem, Mike?
MIKE: What? Oh all right, I'll put ten bucks into the "Pot Calling the
Kettle Black" jar.
CROW: Fifteen, Mike. You know the rules.
> as he moved it to sit on the step in front of
>the throne.
MIKE: He's using a booster throne?
> Hayley moved her chair, which had been discreetly moved to sit
>beside Avery's on the lower dais. "No," Hayley whispered back. "I've only
>watched in my mother's ducal court."
TOM: Y'know, I'm not even convinced "ducal" is even a word.
CROW: Then why'd you use it in Scrabble yesterday?
> "Same here," Avery said. "Pay much attention?"
CROW: [Hayley] Umm... What?
MIKE: Too bad none of them saw inheriting their parents' kingdoms as a
possibility.
> "No," Hayley replied.
TOM: I remember that we're supposed to give the claimants polearms and
babble about quatloos though.
> "We're in a trouble, aren't we?" Avery said, sitting down.
TOM: [Haley] Bah! How hard can it be?
MIKE: [herald] Sir, first we have two women, both of whom claim to be the
mother of this baby.
CROW: [Avery] Oh poopie!
> Hayley
>sat down next to him, and grabbed his hand, giving him a squeeze of support.
>"Lord Kelsey, we're ready as we'll ever be."
>
CROW: And that's so very sad.
> Clara had nothing to do.
MIKE: Well, if you don't count the away mission, no.
TOM: Let's watch a bored Clara make a foolish mistake with the phaser pistol.
> This wasn't a common event for the young
>girl. She'd checked into a room at the White Dove an hour ago.
CROW: It sings a song just like she's singing - ooh, baby, ooh, said ooh.
> Since then,
>she had lunch and left the Inn to began learning her way around town.
TOM: Now she was beginning to suspect that when the waiter warned about the
"Castrome Two-Step", he wasn't talking about a dance move.
>Waiting around was not something Clara did.
CROW: She waited only in a straight line.
> The sun was shining high in the sky as she made her way through the
>town. The broad cobblestone main streets were mostly empty, under the heat
>of the day.
MIKE: But they do have a nice "Riverwalk" festival every spring.
> Still there were the usual merchants and towns people walking
>around. A city constable, with his black helmet, nodded to Clara as they
>passed each other.
TOM: But except for the merchants and the townsfolk and the cops, it was
just plain empty.
> Tranquil, was the word to describe the city of Odyssey.
CROW: Nyquil, was the thing you drank to live there.
> As she turned the corner, Clara spied a couple familiar forms,
MIKE: It was William Rehnquist and Li'l Kim.
>two sailors, one male, one female.
TOM: Admiral Dewey seen on the town with Princess Serena!
> "Lieutenant Calgary, Marrissa!" she hailed.
ALL: Hail, Clara!
> Both turned to face Clara. "Clara!" Marrissa said, as Clara ran up.
CROW: [Marrissa] We weren't making out! I mean, Hi!
>"I didn't expect to see you for another day or so."
TOM: [Marrissa] In fact, I don't think I'm seeing you now.
> "I just arrived an hour ago," Clara said. "What have you been up to?"
CROW: [Marrissa] The belltower.
TOM: Bdum-dump.
> "She's trying to get herself killed," Calgary said.
TOM: Yeah, and just our luck, it's the one thing she's *not* any good at!
> "In just the
>last hour, she stuck her head into a bell that was about to ring, stepped in
>front of a running rinnebeast, and nearly had her head chopped off when she
>dislodged an ax from a wall display.
MIKE: And we missed it *all*?
> And that's not even counting the harp
>that just missed her when it fell out a third story window."
TOM: The Odyssey Philharmonic! The Galaxy's most feared assassins!
MIKE: [Calgary] Then there was the whole anvil incident, and the time when
she strapped on Acme Rocket Skates and started chasing me around with
a giant magnet.
> "You've got to be kidding," Clara said.
MIKE: Sadly, though, he's not.
> "I remember the bell,
TOM: o/` Ah yes! I remember the bell! o/`
> and the rinnebeast, but as for the harp and
>the ax, I have no idea what he's talking about," Marrissa said.
> "Of course you don't," Calgary said. "You're a nexus of disaster,
CROW: And she doesn't even have Captain Kirk with her.
>totally obvious to the dangers around you.
MIKE: Just like Anna Nicole Smith!
> And I have to be assigned to a
>team with you."
CROW: Yes, you are truly the Buttons to her Mindy.
> "What are you doing, here anyway?" Clara asked. "I thought you'd be
>too busy running the boat."
> "Ship," Marrissa corrected.
TOM: [Clara] Whatever. Is the old tub still floating?
> "Technological assessment. I'm
>supposed to be guarding him while he pokes around for technological
>inconsistencies."
TOM: Seems like it's the other way around.
> "May the Lord have mercy on my soul," Calgary murmured.
CROW: [Basso] If I did, do you think you'd be stuck with her?
> "Then have you seen the Castrome Road Gate?" Clara asked.
TOM: Oh, you mean the one that has the sign that says "Abandon hope all ye
who enter here"?
> "No, we just came from looking at the clockworks on that big church
>over there," Marrissa pointed to the visible towers of the Church of the
>Overflowing Cup.
MIKE: Why do I get the feeling that Bob and Doug McKenzie would be right
at home here?
> "It was a fascinating weight and chain design," Calgary said.
>"In line with technological levels, but also very innovative.
CROW: [Calgary] Who knew you could cram that many hamsters into a clock?
> The automatic
>weight switching and chain looping,
MIKE: That's the secret that helps you tone your muscles while you shed
those extra pounds.
> well I don't think I've ever seen
>anything like it."
> "It was boring," Marrissa said.
CROW: Leave it to Marrissa to deflate anything that could possibly be
interesting.
> "I got more out of the murals.
TOM: She was intrigued by the huge ones reading "SEE ROCK CITY" and "WALL
DRUG, 151.2 LY AHEAD".
>There was this great one of the Last Supper, the artist put real emotions
>into those apostles. It's too bad that part of Matthew is missing, and
>Thomas has a crack going through his face.
MIKE: [Marrissa] And I'm not sure at all what the poker playing dogs are
doing there.
CROW: Should I bother to point out the goofiness of having a painting of
The Last Supper on an alien planet with no ties to Earth?
TOM: Nope.
> Perhaps we should take a look at
>that gate though."
> "Follow me," Clara said, leading them down a broad avenue.
>
TOM: The Kids' Crew hits Sunset Boulevard!
> In the throne room of Odyssey Palace, Lord Kelsey's voice echoed, as
>he called forth the next case.
CROW: Today-ay-ay, I consider myself-self-self, the luckiest lord-ord-ord
on the face of Ellosia-ia-ia!
> "Edward, Baron Darkmore,
TOM: Oh, yeah, he's not a future antagonist. Why not just name him
Baron Evil von Henchling?
> appealing a ruling
>of His Grace, Murdock, the Duke of Avtra."
MIKE: [Kelsey] Something about B.A. not letting him drive the van, I believe.
> "Baron Darkmore, please state your appeal to the Crown,"
CROW: [Baron] Well, I'm tall, and I'm good looking, and I have a great sense
of style...
> Avery
>asked, dredging the formal response out of the depths of his training.
CROW: [deeply] I seek additional funding for my research into the dark
arts. Muah-ha-ha!
> "Your Highness, I wish to appeal the order of His Grace, the Duke of
>Avtra to move the guard post of my ancestors
MIKE: That guardpost has been passed down from father to son!
> along the Lake of Galilee -
>Janna Bay Road," the Baron said.
ALL: Galilee?
CROW: Ratliff's making a story out of five loaves and two fishes.
> "To move it would do a great disservice to
>the travelers along that road,
TOM: Where else can you get Premium Unleaded for only $1.26-9?
> and would break the sacred duty which my
>ancestors have preformed for centuries along this road."
CROW: Namely, shaking down unsuspecting peasants.
TOM: Plus, the Stuckey's next door will probably have to go out of
business, so where would people get their pecan candy then?
> "Hmmm, and who speaks for the Duke in this matter?" Avery asked.
MIKE: Wasn't it usually Ward Bond or Walter Brennan?
> Cedric stood, and approached the throne. "I do," he said.
CROW: [Avery] I now pronounce you sissy minstrel and wormy duke.
You may kiss the noble.
> "Earl Cedric, please state the reason for moving this post of long
>establishment," Avery said.
TOM: The Vogons want to build a highway.
> "My Lord Prince, the reasons for the movement of this post are
>many," Cedric said.
CROW: [Cedric] Tectonic plates, planetary rotation, the spin of the
galaxy, you name it!
> "Perhaps first and foremost is that we are also
>relocating that stretch of road. The construction of the Galilee Janna Bay
>Canal has almost reached that location,
MIKE: And Israel's already annexed it.
> and the road is the path which the
>canal will take. Second, we wish for a post to guard a spring along the new
>road."
CROW: [Springy] NOOOOOOOO SPRINGS! *cuckoo*
TOM: Hey! Stephen did a "Ranma" joke earlier, now he's talking about a
spring - you know what this means? Before we're done, Marrissa's
gonna get turned into a panda!
> "Earl Cedric, will the building of the canal require you to take
>down this guard post?" Avery asked.
TOM: [Reagan] Mr. Gorbachev, take down this Guardpost!
> "No, the guard post is on a hill," Cedric said.
MIKE: You laugh, but this same squabbling goes on over where to post
mall cops.
> "However, it will
>be unable to access the road once the canal is complete, rendering it
>useless as a guard for the road. That is why my Father ordered it moved."
CROW: Thrill as the spine-tingling, heart-stopping, guardpost-relocating
action never lets up!
> "Baron Darkmore, do you have any response to the Earl of Avtra's
>reasoning," Avery asked.
TOM: [Baron] He's a big boogerhead.
> "No, you highness," the Baron replied.
CROW: And they couldn't have talked this over before schlepping up here
and wasting everyone's time?!? Sheesh!
> Avery was going to simply find for the Duke of Avtra, when suddenly
>he heard one of his father's favorite quotes.
MIKE: "Today, I do not want to hear about fur-bearing trout." - Robert
Benchley.
> "The best solution to a
>dispute is one which both sides win."
TOM: Ah, an Olympics ice-skating judge.
> "Earl Cedric is this post about half way between your border and
>Lake Galilee?" Avery asked.
CROW: [Cedric] Closer to Mt. Sinai, sir.
> "Close to, your highness, but only about a third of the total length
>of the canal from Lake Galilee," Earl Cedric said.
TOM: Uuuuh - huh?
CROW: Pert near.
TOM: Ah.
> "We plan to have the
>half way post closer to the current border."
TOM: See adjacent map, not enclosed for clarity.
CROW: Mike, will you kill me?
MIKE: Only if you kill me first.
CROW: How will that work?
MIKE: It won't. So shut up and read the story.
> Avery looked over at Lady Hayley, and whispered,
CROW: [Avery] Ix-ney on the footsies, dollface - I can't concentrate on
Dull and Duller over there!
> "How likely is it
>for Duke Murdock to get a border adjustment for the canal."
MIKE: Aw, you know he hates to go to the doctor!
> "Mother says that Grandfather will only get it over her dead body,"
>Hayley whispered back.
CROW: [Avery, whispering] Really? Because I know some people...
> "Does she have an objection to the canal itself?" Avery asked,
>suddenly concerned.
TOM: [Hayley] Yeah, it clashes with her steam train.
> "She wants the canal," Hayley replied. "She just wants to control
>the end point.
CROW: Oh, yeah, type A personality.
> Castrome needs the trade."
> "Earl Cedric, Baron Darkmore," Avery said, raising his voice so it
>could be heard. "I have made a decision.
MIKE: [Avery] I feel like chicken tonight!
> Baron Darkmore, you will hand
>over the control the guard post in question during the construction of the
>canal.
CROW: Oh, now he's gonna staff it with a bunch of teamsters, I bet.
TOM: Hey, a campaign promise is a campaign promise, y'know.
> Earl Cedric, inform your father that it is our wish that this post
>be made into one of the canal guard posts, and that the Baron be the first
>choice to run this guard post when the canal is completed.
TOM: [irritated] Look, I appreciate a good canal/guard post/real estate
confrontation as much as the next bot, but *is there a frickin'
point to all this*?!?
MIKE: Let me put it this way - no.
> Baron, I hope to
>be there when this canal is opened,
MIKE: [Avery] But you know how hard it is to find giant novelty scissors.
> and take a meal at your historic guard
>post,
CROW: [Avery] And it better not be a stinking Happy Meal, like *last* time!
> as my Father did at the mid post of the Avtra Honalee Canal when it
>opened."
[All snicker]
TOM: That must have been during the reign of Baron Jackie Paper.
> "Thank you, your highness," Baron Darkmore said.
MIKE: [Baron, muttering] Thanks a lot, ya little snot-nose-
CROW: [Avery] What was that?
MIKE: Nothing! Nothing, your great and powerful highness! Heh!
> "Lord Kelsey, next case please," Avery said, with newly acquired
>confidence.
>
TOM: Next we have a Mrs. Julie Andrews verses a Mr. Christopher Plummer...
>--
>Stephen Ratliff
>
-- Stephen Ratliff is the next case?
>
>"To hell with crack, heroin, whiskey, tobacco.
MIKE: Well, there goes the Rolling Stones' career.
> Writing is far and away
>the single most addictive thing in the universe, IMHO."
CROW: Oh, well you've never tried those Little Debbie snack cakes, then!
> ~ Greywolf
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
bil...@hiwaay.net http://home.hiwaay.net/~billfl
"If you're dumb, surround yourself with smart people. And if you're smart,
surround yourself with smart people who disagree with you."
Isaac Jaffee (Robert Guillaume), "Sports Night"