MiSTed: "Doctor, Samuel Beckett" 4/5

[The Clown]

Continued from Part 3...

>
>
> "Doctor?" asked Gooshie, watching the aged scientist working on the
>holographic projection. He seemed every day of his eight centuries old.
>The
>Doctor ignored the question, oblivious to all except the terminal in front
>of
>him: the terminal that was his lifeline. He needed the Zero Room, and
>soon, if he were to live much longer. He was nearly finished.
> "It is... done." the Doctor said, and collapsed into the wheel-chair
>in which he was sitting. One of the orderlies took him away and prepared
>to give him the best medical care that the twenty-first century could
>provide.

Tom: Which would be Hollywood's finest plastic surgeons.

>But would it be enough?
> "Al - prepare to send the hologram." Gooshie said. Al picked up a
>microphone.
> "I feel really daft doing this..." he said.

Crow: Cor, blimey! I'm an Italian Englishman!

>
>
> "Alia!" Sam said, as the image of the Master dropped away and
>revealed the face of his unwilling opposite.

Mike: Wasn't she in "Final Phantasy"?
Tom: No, no, I thought she was in "Jane Doe."

> "Sam...?" she replied. "I thought you were..."

Mike: ...A woman.

> "Yes, And I you. Look - we've got to get out of here. I haven't got
>much time to explain. THese people are alien, and our bodies are not..."

Crow: ...On the Jenny Craig plan.

> "Are not what?"
> "Shoosh! I can hear voices!" Sam said.

Tom: [Creepy mental voice] Burn them! Burn them all!

> "Who?" she asked. Sam waved at her.
> `Well, _I_ can't hear anything' she thought.
> *Sam?* came the voice.

Mike: God?

> "Al?"
> *Yes, it's me. You can only hear my voice because we haven't got
>much power left. And the Doctor and Gooshie have re-wired the Imaging
>Chamber.*
> "What am I supposed to do?" Sam asked.

Crow: Fart around while we get boozed up real good.

> *Go back to the TARDIS, and there...*
>Al replied, before his voice faded away.
> "And there _what_, Al? Al?"
> "Who was that?"

Tom: Mis-tah Flibble!

> "My guide. Come on, I've got to take you with me..."
> "Where?"

Mike: [Trembly adolescent] Babbage's is having a half-off sale on Microsoft
Office! We gotta hurry!

> "Never mind, come on!"
>
>
> The Master opened his eyes. He was in a red-lit room, lying on a hard
>bench. There was nobody in sight. He shook his head, and sat up.
> A woman was walking towards him: a woman with an evil smile on
>her
>face. As she drew closer, the Master could see that she was dressed in an
>all-over skintight leather suit.

Crow: Well, well, well. This 'fic may not be so bad after all.

> `I think I'm going to enjoy this...' he thought.

Crow: Amen, brother!

> "Who are you?" he asked, in as bold a voice as he could manage.
> "My name, although not important, is

Tom: [Husky man-woman] Lola of the Woolen Veil.

>Zoey. Your name, however, certainly is important."
> "I am known as the Master."
> "Indeed? Well, that may be but around here I give the

Crow: ...Spankings.

>orders and you obey. Understood?"
> "Perfectly," the Master said. Zoey turned, and the Master leapt onto
>her back and knocked her to the ground.

Mike: Frisky little devil, ain't he?

>He turned her over, and pinned her.

Tom: 9...10...pin!

>Staring into her eyes, he demanded "You will tell me every last thing
>about where I am."
> Zoey, easily hypnotised, began to speak.

Tom: Yes, the gift shop is still open!

>The Master's smile broadened as he listened. `Then I can still
>get you, Doctor!'

Mike: [Falsetto] And your robotic dog too!

>
>
> "This way!" Sam said, dragging Alia through the streets of the
>Capitol towards the TARDIS.

Crow: "Doctor Who" requirement #42: corridors, check.

> "Where are we going?"
> "To the Doctor's spacecraft! Look - I'll explain it all later. It's
>just around this... aaargh!!!!"
> Sam fell to the ground, and slid some distance clutching his chest.

Mike: It's cardiac arrest on ice!

> "Sam? What's the matter?"

Tom: [Sarcasm sequencer is GO!] Nothing. I like falling to the ground and
shouting 'aaargh!!!!' It helps me relax.

> "Heart... attack... alien... body..." he managed to say. Alia turned

Tom: ...And ran like the wussy little girl she was.

>and saw the Gallifrean guards approaching, led by the Castellan.
> "Oh, boy!" she said.

Mike: Oh, well, they're all right. Everybody knows Gallifrean guards are a
bunch of pusses.
Crow: But, man, watch out for those Gallifreyans. They'll kick yo ass!

>

[1...2...3...4...5...6...*]

[SOL Bridge. Mike and the 'Bots enter. They're looking cool and casual, no
fears, no worries.]
Mike: So, *how* are *you* guys?
Tom: *Thanks*, Mike, we're fine.
Crow: Hey, how *about* some *pop*corn?
Mike: Nah, *I* think I'll *just* go listen to that *new* CD I got at *Space*
Mart.
Tom: *I'll* probably just *re*-organize my collection.
Mike: *Sure* you *got* the time for *that*?
Tom: Yeah, *prob*ably. *If* I hurr*y*.
Crow: Hey, Mike, *do* you get the feel*ing* something's wrong?
Mike: Now *that* you mention it, *I* do feel odd. *As* if something were
making me ran*dom*ly *em*pha*size* what I say.
Crow: *It* must have been the fan*fic*! The characters' *hab*it of
always over em*pha*sizing *has* bled *o*ver to us!
Tom: What can we *do*, Mike? I don't want *to* spend the *rest* of Time
*do*ing cheap Shat*ner* im*press*ions.
Mike: I *know*! We *need* something with no a*bil*ity to ex*press*
e*mo*tion!
Tom: *But* who? What could poss*i*bly be so bor*ing* to free us *from*
this curse?
Crow: *Bet* I know! Boy, *am* I glad I *kept* this. Mike, if *you* wouldn't
mind, I *have* a contingency for just *such* an emer*gen*cy. Reach
in the storage com*part*ment *un*der the floor.
[Mike bends down out of sight.]
Mike: *So* what am I *look*ing for?
Crow: *A* novel. "The *Pit*."
Tom: *NO*!
Mike: *Crow*, are *you* sure?
Crow: *It's* the only *way*, Mike. Trust *me*.
[Mike returns from below. He's holding a brown package the size of a
paperback novel. "DANGER! OPEN ONLY IN CASE OF EMERGENCY" is written
across the package in bright red letters.]
Mike: *You* guys, read*y*?
'Bots: [Frightened] Yes.
Mike: *O*kay. [He carefully unwraps the novel, treating it like the bomb it
is.] Here *we* go: "*The* night sky *was* dark and *brood*ing..."
'Bots: Auuuuuuuuuuuuugh!!!

[Commercials]

[Back to the theatre. Mike and the Bots are already seated.]

>
>
> Part Eight
> ~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Alia, desperately looking for

Mike: ...The latest Ames one-day only sale...

>a way out of her predicament, glanced
>around. The ccorridor forked: one way was blocked off by the approaching
>Gallifrean guards, that left a choice of two.

Tom: Ah, the vicious "Exits to the north, west, and south" intersection.

>She was still deciding when
>a small robotic dog wheeled its way out of one of the corridors.
> "Greetings Master, Mistress" he said.
> "Help me!" Alia said, momentarily taken aback at how K9 could see
>her
>as she really was, rather than the body which she currently inhabited.
>`Perhaps he can see Sam as Sam, then' she thought. Assessing the
>situation,
>K9 turned towards the guards and fired a brief red laser pulse from his
>nose.
> "Temporary paralysis, Mistress" he said,

Crow: Sure I can't kill 'em?

>turned, and went back the way he came. "Follow." he added. Alia lifted the
>semi-conscious body of Sam, and set off after K9.

Mike: [Sam] Alia, I never knew...
Tom: [Alia] Shut up!
Mike: [Sam] But I'm the choirboy...
Tom: [Alia] Shut up!

>
>
> The Master surveyed the control room in which he found himself.

Crow: There was just enough room on Lot 368 for a swimming pool.

>There
>were black, featureless panels all around, and a dark metallic central
>console at the far end.

Tom: Hmm, now where have we seen this set-up before?

>Having hypnotised all of the staff, they were now working on

Mike: ...Building the world's largest cup of flour.

>projecting the image of the Master to Alia, in order that she might kill
>Sam Beckett, and in doing this trap the Doctor forever in Sam's body,
>effectively killing him.

Crow: Well, Mr Exposition showed up a little late, but he got here in the
end. And that's what counts.

> "We are ready," said Zoey, and the Master smiled one of his evil
>smiles. He made his way towards the Imaging Chamber.
>
>
> Sam stirred, obviously still in agony but conscious. He noticed K9 in
>front of him, and asked "Why did you...

Mike: ...Hunt me for sport?

>leave the TARDIS?"
> "Holographic projection appeared outside TARDIS."
> "You can _see_ those?"

Tom: It's nice to think so, isn't it, Sam?

> "Affirmative, Master."
> "What does he mean?" Alia asked.

Crow: He means you're a man-woman in femmy men's clothes.

> "Al and the Doctor..." Sam groaned, and clutched his chest,
>"...working on way of me flying craft back to Earth."
> "Hmmm..." Alia said.

Mike: [Alia] So tell me the truth, do these pants make my butt look big?

>K9 turned a final corner, and Alia caught sight of the TARDIS.
> "Is that it? A blue box? We'll never all fit in there."

Tom: That's all right, it's all part of Rag Week.

> "Incorrect, Mistress. Transdimensional Engineering."
> "Meaning...?" Alia said.

Tom: The writers were too lazy to actually explain it.

> "It's bigger inside than out." Sam replied. "It's there..." he
>whispered.
> "What?"

Crow: My ice cream.

> "A hologram of the console..." he said. "Help me into the TARDIS..."
> Alia put Sam's arm around her shoulder, and helped him walk into the
>TARDIS. She carried him towards the console, and he almost fell onto it.

Mike: It's times like this I wish the TARDIS console had lots of spikes all
over it.

>He
>turned towards the door, and looked intently at the holographic
>representation of the console.

Tom: [Sam] What? No cruise control?

>One switch on the hologram was flicking itself on and off.

Crow: Yeah? Well, flick you, too!

> "Aha!" Sam said, and made his way around the console until he found
>the indicated switch. He flicked it, and as he did so he noticed that his
>pain
>had reduced since he had entered the TARDIS. He made a mental note to
>himself to ask the Doctor about that.

Tom: Sam's gonna have a full mental Rolodex after this adventure.

> Sam looked back up at the hologram to see which swith he had to
>flick next.

Crow: [Lisping] Ooh, you're justh stho sthasthy!

>However, the hologram was still showing the first change.
> "How the _hell_ do I tell them to go on?" he thought aloud. At that
>moment, a different switch began flashing.

Mike: Would a switch have that kind of anatomy?

> "Oh, I see! They can still hear me... okay."
> Sam worked busily, knowing that the Doctor was going through
>similar, if not more intense, pain than himself.
> "New holographic presence outside TARDIS" said K9. Alia turned and
>looked outside, and saw a man, dressed in black with a goatee beard
>looking back at her.
> "Who are you?" she asked.

Tom: The Luuuuuv Doctor.

> "A friend - a friend who wants

Crow: Your sweet, sweet hinder.

>to help" the Master replied.
> "Who are you talking to?" Sam asked, unaware of the presence of the
>Master, similar to the way Alia could not see the holographic console.
> "Just someone..." Alia said.

Mike: [Alia] You've met Shirleen, right? She works at the hair salon.

>Sam nodded, too intent on setting the
>TARDIS moving to pay too much attention. The Master began to walk
>towards her,
>and as he crossed the entrance to the TARDIS he disappeared. He re-
>emerged
>seconds later, back outside the TARDIS. `The Doctor must have some
>protective device on his TARDIS' he thought.

Crow: It's good to know they've provided for the lifeforms that might
mistake the TARDIS for a...toy.

>`That may be of use to me.'
> "Do you trust this Sam Beckett?" the Master asked.
> "He saved my life, once" she replied.

Tom: [Alia] And I tried to kill him several times. Balances out, doncha
think?

> "How can you know that he is

Mike: ..Truly a man?

>setting the right course?"
> "The Doctor is sending instructions..."

Tom: "Side A to back"? But which side is side A?

> "Ah, the Doctor. Such a strange character," the Master said. "On the
>outside, a pleasant person, but hidden deep within...?

Crow: A creepy Lovecraftian monster.

>Who is to say? Can you afford to take that chance?"
> "But only the Doctor can

Tom: ...Wiggle up and down in an amusingly provocative way and have it
turn out to be the local way of saying "Hello."

>fly the TARDIS..." Alia said.
> "Now is that true, I wonder? He is not the only Time Lord, you know.

Crow: Yuh-huh! He's Doctor Who, Last of the Time Lords!

>In
>fact, you are on a planet full of Time Lords. I myself am one. Why not let
>me show you the way to program a course, rather than using this second-
>hand method?"

Mike: [Defensive] I'll have you know buying used merchandise is one the
most economical and environmentally sound ways to save money!

> Alis considered his offer, it did seem to have some sense.

Tom: In a non-sensical way.

> "Sam," she said.
> "Yes..." he replied, somewhat abstractly.

Tom: What a neat little summary!

> "Are you sure this is the right course?"

Crow: It's not a "coarse," but it'll do.

> "Perfectly, it is from the Doctor."
> "But this man says he could help us, too."
> "If he is a hologram, then he will be the person who you have leapt
>into, the person who hypnotised me before. I didn't trust him."

Mike: [Sam] You're a highly susceptible individual who could be easily
coerced into doing me bodily harm, but I'm not too worried.

> "You must take the craft by force!" the Master urged Alia. "Otherwise
>you may never be able to leap home! This is your chance!"
> Alia thought for a few moments, picked up a cricket bat that was
>leaning against one of the walls, and

Tom: ...Bowled an amazing innings at Lord's.

>advanced on the busy Doctor Beckett...

Tom: All right! Go, Alia!
Crow: At last, some action! Hit 'im hard, o' Lady of the Nutty Nuts!
Mike: Guys, shouldn't we be booing Alia instead of cheering her on?
'Bots: No.

>
>
>
> Part Nine
> ~~~~~~~~~
>
> Alia advanced on the busy figure of Sam Beckett, cricket bat raised
>high in the air. Sam was dancing around the console, rapidly flicking
>switches and turning dials, typing into the keyboard and such like.

Tom: Sam Beckett IS Lord of the Console!

>He ducked one blow,
>and then another, until he tripped over the moving body of K9, and fell to
>the floor.

Mike: Bad robotic lifeform! What did I tell you about leaking oil in the
house!

>Spotting her chance, Alia

Crow: ...Agreed to act in a rapidly failing TV show about time travel.

>brought the bat down hard onto Sam's head. Sam dropped, his muscles
>letting go.
> "At last, Doctor - I have you!" said the Master, laughing to himself.

Mike: So that's what he meant! Man, this is so funny!

> "What are you saying?" Alia asked.

Crow: Oh, jeez...

> "With Sam Beckett unconcious, there is no-one left to pilot the
>TARDIS back to Earth. So the Doctor will remain in Sam's body for too
>long, and his mind will be destroyed."
> Alia thought for a few moments. She spotted K9 moving slowly round
>the console towards the main door.

Tom: [K9] I'm getting outta here. You're on your own, lady.

>"There's something you have forgotten..."

Crow: [Alia] *I* have the...well, um, I have, uh...this really cool
compact! Look! It has a mirror and everything.

>she began, but then caught herself. She could still get home
>without this Master.
> "And that is what, exactly?"
> Alia thought quickly. "You are still trapped in my body, and I in
>yours. You will come to the same fate soon enough."
> "True, but not important. You see, I have total control over the
>Leap Project of yours. With the touch of a switch, I could

Tom: Depilate you and your loved ones for only $199!

>bring you back here."
> Alia ran over to Sam, and shook him. He seemed to be coming round...
>Then she felt that familiar dizzy feeling come over her, and her world
>turned blue...

Mike: And Don Bellisario woke up to discover season six was all a dream.

>
>
> Back in Project Quantum Leap, the Doctor had passed into a deep
>coma.
> "Well, that's the last signal." said Al,

Crow: No more Playboy channel, guys.
All: [Groans of disappointment]

>turning away from the Imaging Chamber.
> "Zero room? What could he mean by a Zero room?" Gooshie was
>asking nobody in particular.

Tom: Surprisingly, Nobody answered him.

>Al began to fret, and started shouting at Ziggy every
>so often, and even Tina was feeling down.

Crow: Paul's amazing characterization really makes me relate to these
characters.

> Suddenly a lod bell started ringing, and a red light began to flash.
>A few sparks flashed from underneath Ziggy's main control panel, and
>there was a puff of smoke.
> "Fire" said Ziggy in her usual calm, computerised voice. "Fire in the
>generation room."

Mike: They have rooms dedicated to "Star Trek"?

> "It's the

Tom: ...Hamsters! They've broken loose!

>generator!" shouted an engineer running into the room from
>the corridor. "It couldn't take the strain, she just blew."

All: [Out of unison and in varying shades of Scottishness] She cannae take
nae, Cap'n! I've given her all I've got! She's gaunnae blow!

> "Imaging chamber inoperative," Ziggy continued. "Particle
>Accelerator inoperative."

Mike: We're sorry, but service will be indefinitely suspended as we've sent
out too many of those damn sign-up disks.

> "Oh, sweet Jesus..." said Al.

Tom: o/~ Speaking words of wisdom / Let it be... o/~

>"I hope that Sam got those switches right."

Mike: Otherwise we're gonna wind up with Spamly Sam all over the walls.

>
>
> The blue flashes cleared, and the

Tom: ...Radio Shack clerk chased the kids away from the static globe
display.

>Master (now back in his own body)
>approached the sleeping figure of Sam Beckett.

Crow: [Master] Now, should I use the whipped cream or the chocolate
sauce?

> "At last, Doctor, after so many years, I have you just where I want
>you."

Mike: [Master] ...Unconscious, helpless, and begging for a whupping!

>He reached into his velvet robe, and pulled out his Tissue
>Compression Eliminator.
> "I'm sorry, Doctor Beckett, but I can't take the chance of the Doctor
>getting his body back." He took aim...
> K9 whirred round from behind the console where he had been hiding.
> "Danger, Master!" he said,

Tom: Danger, Will Robinson, danger!

>and fired his paralysing laser towards the Master. The Master fell.
> "Pain!" he said. "Such pain..."

Crow: [Dr Smith] Oh, the pain! The pain!

>he crawled slowly towards the doors of the TARDIS.

Tom: I *can* carry this scene! Just watch!

>"The Leaping... has triggered... No! Not again..."

Mike: [Master] I don't wanna be a woman!

> Slowly but surely, and muttering to himself, he crawled back to his
>TARDIS, and from there into his own Zero Room.

Mike: Nyah, nyah. My Zero Room's better than yours!

>He began to float, but he was still restless.

Crow: Aw, he's chasing Daleks in his sleep.

Continued in Part 5...

--
Tyler Dion E-mail: Clo...@sprynet.com
?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?
"You *are* a fool, aren't you?"
"Only when I get paid. My free-time definition is 'chump.'"
-- from "Doctor Who: Time's Children" on a.dw.c