[MiSTied] Fandom (posting for author...)
Michael K. Neylon
[ I am posting this for Cory, please send comments his way... ]
Mystery Usenet Theatre 3000: Fandom
Original text by Anonymous
Misting by Cory McCasland
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I intended to move on to something other than Doctor Who
for my next Misting, but as with Karen McCoy, someone
mentioned a new rant about Doctor Who and I had to see it. This
could never approach McCoy's insanity, but when you write
something that's nothing more than a rehash of every stereotype
about the Doctor Who novels, you're not that far off.
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[SoL- The Doctor has his hands clamped to his ears as Crow and
Servo babble on]
Doctor (shouting): I'm the Doctor, and I've only been stuck here for a
day and I already wish that fall from the Pharos Tower had been
fatal! The gumball machine and gold bird keep asking what my
name is!
Servo: Is it Theta Sigma?
Crow: Is it Feet?
Doctor: No!
Servo: Is it Whotherasillonomegalungbarrowmas?
Crow: Or Alphabeticalfalphalalph?
Doctor&Servo: Huh?
Crow: Well...what about Fred? Or Eric?
[Bots begin shouting names again, as commercial sign begins
flashing and the Doctor hits the button]
{Here at the BBC, we have only one thing to say-YOU'LL NEVER SEE
DOCTOR WHO AGAIN! Not when we can produce such
wonderful shows as Are You Being Served For The Millionth Time
and a new series of Open All Hours! So go watch Babylon 5 and
leave us alone!}
[SoL-Bots have finally calmed down, having run out of names]
Servo: Come on, just a little hint?
Doctor: No. My name is forbidden by decree of the House of Lungbarrow.
Crow: Since when did you listen to that bunch of whining, back stabbing,
Jerry Springer show rejects?
Doctor: Okay. My name is...
[Mad's light begins flashing]
Doctor: Puttintame! Ask me again and I'll tell you the same!
[hits button]
[Deep 13-Dr. Forrester is sporting a very evil grin]
Dr. F: Well, Professor X, it's time for the invention exchange.
[SoL-Crow and Servo are in shock]
Crow: What?! We stopped doing invention exchanges over a year ago!
[D13-Grin broadens]
Dr. F: Oh, you mean you didn't get my note? Ratings are getting
worse than Jon Peter's latest idea for Superman Lives,
and I need some fresh ideas to steal!
[SoL]
Servo: Oh, so now you admit to ripping us off?
Crow: What happened to the money you made off all those other
inventions you stole from us and Joel?
Doctor: What's an invention exchange?
[D13]
Dr. F: In order: Yes, I took all of your ideas and lived high off the hog!
The money ran out when that ingrate Robinson sued me for theft
and "cruel and unusual punishment via continued exposure to
Roger Corman," and an invention exchange is where you show off
your pathetic excuse for an intellect and create something
useless. So get on with it!
[SoL]
Doctor (arms crossed petulantly): No. Who said I have to do anything
you ask? You aren't the boss of me!
Crow: Say, Clay, you look pretty ill. Still getting over that heartbreaking
scene in the Cloister room?
[D13-Forrester turns pale]
Dr. F: How do you know...I mean, I have no idea what you're
talking about!
[SoL]
Crow: Your mom mentioned it during our Fabio chat on IRC.
Servo: Yeah, really sad. It must be so hard to forget the touch of
Torgo, the way his hips swayed back and forth...
[D13]
Dr. F (making hurling noises): Mother! Quickly, I'm gonna...
[Pearl enters, gives Dr. F a soiled paper bag, and he rushes off
and begins spewing chunks]
[SoL-Crow, Servo, and Doctor begin exchanging high-fives,
or in Servo's case, high-domes]
Crow: Great one, Tommy!
Servo: You weren't too bad yourself!
Doctor: It's at times like this I'm glad that knock to the head wasn't fatal.
Crow: Oh, you mean when you did it on purpose?
Doctor: Shhh! The accursed multi-coloured one might hear you!
[D13-Forrester's still hurling, as Pearl turns to the screen]
Pearl: That wasn't very nice, Art. But, at least it will keep him
out of my hair for a while. We couldn't find McCoy's
e-mail address, so we had to settle for some essay
on T&A in the New Adventures called "Fandom", by someone
who wishes to remain anonymous. WIth good reason, too.
[SoL-Lights begin flashing]
Servo: WE GOT RANT SIGN!
{6...5...4...3...2...*}
[all enter theatre, Doctor setting Servo down]
Doctor: I guess I could have shown my neutron flow polarity reverser.
>Fandom
Servo: Fandom looking for submissive sci-fi geek.
>Doctor Who has undergone
Crow: Undergone, but nor forgotten.
> a lot of changes since our show
>was cancelled in 1989.
Doctor: Since when did the fan's own it?
Servo: Well, they always act like they do.
> We have seen it go from a series,
>televised weekly
Servo: I thought it was televised quite strongly, myself.
> into millions of homes,
Crow (Carl Sagan): Milliyuns and millyuns of homes.
> to something that
>endured and retained its popularity. As a result,
Doctor: I'm always asked what my real name is.
Crow: Granpa Jack?
Servo: Tina Yothers?
>chat groups, fanzines,
Servo: Like the Knob of Rassilon.
> newsgroups, magazines
>and mailing lists devoted to nothing but
Crow: Endless conversations on whether Ian and Barbara were "doing it."
>the discussion of Doctor Who are commonplace. It is ironic that
>the lack of
Doctor: Good food at McDonalds.
> new televised product
Servo: And with this new televised product, you can make gulian fries,
saw through steel, and make net geeks argue over the most
trivial of details!
> has given rise to many things
>that might have otherwise not have happened if we were
>still getting a regular yearly series.
Crow: It would suck having to wait a year between new episodes.
>One of the most eagerly anticipated
Doctor (eagerly): Oh, I just can't wait for the next episode of Sleepwalkers!
> and perhaps most interesting
>aspects of this metamorphosis was the introduction of the New Adventures,
Servo: Hello, we're the New Adventures. How do you do?
>and later, the Missing Adventures.
Crow: Those Missing Adventures are never around when you need them!
> The New Adventures filled the void of
>an otherwise starved fandom,
Doctor: Please, just one Jelly Baby!
> who were surviving on the scraps thrown
> at
>them through their own compositions of fan fiction,
Servo: Hmmm, what key should my Doctor Who/Sister Sister
crossover be in?
> and monthly doses of
>nostalgia via Doctor Who Magazine and the like. Consider if the series
Servo: Was spun off more than Star Trek.
Crow: DW-Deep Unit 9 and DW-Gallifreyan Academy.
> was
>still being televised,
Doctor: Shot dead in front of a live studio audience!
Crow: Doctor Who is in heaven now.
> with new episodes to watch each year.
> Would we feel the
>need to
Doctor: Smear rubber cement over our naked bodies?
> read any 'new' adventures?
Crow: Sure, how else could we stand Mel and Adric?
>Fandom has undergone quite a few mutations over the years,
> but probably
>none so dramatic as the perceptions of Doctor Who fans being
>altered by these new ranges
All (singing): Home, home on the range, where the Cybermats
and Autons slay!
> of books. Consider some of the changes
> that are now
>accepted as part of Doctor Who folklore
Servo (sonnerous voice): In times before the great Roddenberry, a
man traveled in a blue tree and uttered "hmmm" a lot.
> (I won't use the word
> that rhymes with
>cannon).
Crow: Fannon?
Servo: Dannon?
Doctor: Rhiannon?
> Sex is now a common aspect of a New Adventure,
Crow: As evidenced in the new novel, "Doctor Who and the Invasion
of the Playmates from Orgasmo".
> with many of the
>companions indulging in various forms of sexual activity.
Doctor: Now that I think of it, I do remember this constant buzzing
sound coming from Benny's room.
> Certainly the tension
>levels between the TARDIS crew have increased,
Crow: You try living with an arrogant, self-absorbed Time Lord
in a box for several years, no matter how big it is on the inside!
Doctor: This has made me appreciate how sub-servient K-9 was.
> to heights
> surpassing even the
>most virulent of outbursts during The Twin Dilemma.
Doctor: Give me a break! Let's see *you* deal with a woman who
chooses to complain instead of thanking you for sacrificing
a regeneration to save her whiny butt!
Crow: This is like truth serum to you, isn't it?
> The arguments are becoming
>a lot more personal,
Servo: That's going to happen when you start quoting Rush Limbaugh
and expect to be taken seriously.
> with the confrontations now being expanded to
> the more 'adult'
>scope that the New Adventure series provides.
Crow: Oh, just because Ace described sleeping with
eighty guys it's all of a sudden Penthouse Forum?
> As the books are able
> to explore
Servo: Strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new...
Doctor: Wrong series.
>more broad and diverse scenarios, so to do the pressures placed
>upon the TARDIS crew.
>
>Are these sexual hijinks
Servo (goofy announcer voice): On the next episode of Three's
Company, the Doctor has to convince Mr. Furley he's
gay while dating Grace at the same time!
> and tensions, supposedly part of the
> 'mature themes'
>of these novels, really part of Doctor Who,
Doctor: Part and parcel. You should have seen Jo and Captain Yates
carry on!
> or are they no more
>than
Servo: A Zionist plot to overthrow the head of the BBC and
replace him with Keiko the whale!
> book writers
>imaginations running wild with a subject matter that really isn't
> appropriate for our
>good Doctor?
Doctor: I just love how fans think they know what's best for me.
>It is easy to contrast the differences between the televised series
> and the book
>series.
Servo: Yeah, one's printed and one's on television.
> Certainly 'glimpses of stocking' that took place from 1963-1989
Crow: That's one long glimpse!
> pale into
>comparison against many of the threads in the printed medium.
>Ultra-violent, naked and promiscuous are not adjectives that spring
>to mind when you remember your favourite companions from
>yestayear.
Doctor (steaming): Don't you dare speak of Grace that way!
Servo: I think they mean Ace.
>Certainly, the more realistic personal relationships
Servo: One minute you're decrying promiscuity and the next you're
talking about realistic relationships? Make up your mind!
> portrayed have
>moved the books into an area which is a lot more welcome than the
> sanitised,
>by the numbers, BBC series formulaic output.
Crow: Maybe a strip-tease half-way through 'Android Invasion' would have
been better.
> Dramatic effect has rarely
> been
>carried over multiple stories (with the Hartnell and Davison eras being
>notable exceptions), so it is refreshing to see that the books are
>attempting to form their own continuity and continuing storylines, and
>possibly, their own universe.
Doctor: Drats, they've discovered my plan to replace this
universe with one made entirely of string cheese.
>Can these sexual tendencies on the part of the authors be explained
>as defining new boundaries of Doctor Who literature?
Servo: Or are they just perverted sad wankers?
> Is it justified to
> have
>Doctor Who
Doctor: THAT IS NOT MY NAME!!!
Servo: They're refering to the series, not you.
Crow: But thanks for the hint!
> going down this path, or are the authors of these
> novels merely
Crow: Disgruntled Battlestar Gallactica fans?
>indulging their own fantasies
Doctor: Like anyone would want to see me naked?
Servo: In this incarnation, how about 99% of female fans?
> and bizarre ideas
Servo (anonymous author): I want to turn the Doctor into a bearded fat
lady, make Benny dance the Lambada with Davros, and have
Ace sleep with a Rugsucker from Mars.
Crow (editor): I like it!
> to an eager audience
>willing to lap up anything new?
Servo: Let's go.
[all exit theatre]
{*...2...3...4...5...6...}
[SoL-Doctor is spinning his yo-yo, when Tom comes bounding in]
Servo: Yo, Doc, I have a question for you!
Doctor [begins "walking the dog"]: No, my name is not Bond,
James Bond.
Servo: Hmmm...okay, I have another question for you. Do you...do it?
Doctor [stops playing with yo-yo]: Do what?
Servo: The horizontal Macarena. The wiggling Watusi. The sign
of the snogging aardvark. Wink-wink, nudge nudge, know
what I mean?
Doctor (confused): No, I don't know what you mean.
Servo: Hmmm, how do I say this without upping the rating to
TV-M? Oh, I know. Are you a version?
Doctor: Version of what?
Servo: Oh, for crying out loud! DO YOU HAVE SEX?!
Doctor: Oh! Well, let me put it like this (leans in close, starts
whipsering. Servo shakes in surprise) There, that
answer your question? Good! (walks off)
Servo (surprised): So *that's* what the Sonic Screwdriver's for!
[lights and sirens]
Servo: WE'VE GOT NET.STUPIDITY SIGN!!!
{6...5...4...3...2...*}
[all walk in]
Servo: So what's the erotic appeal of jelly babies?
Doctor: I'll tell you when you're older.
>The differing of opinion can be broadly be defined into two categories:
Crow: Tastes great or less filling.
>1. Those that enjoy the new found freedom that the book range
All (singing): Where often is heard, Adric is a turd, and the Cybermats
and the Autons slay!
> is exploring,
>and is refreshed and perhaps a little excited by
Doctor: The possibility of seeing my butt if the show's picked up by ABC.
> what has happened
> to
Crow: The missing four minutes of Remembrance of the Daleks,
where the Doctor moons Davros and Beavis and Butthead
destroy Earth with the Hand of Omega.
>our TV show now that it has moved to the more unfettered world
> of print, with
>its more graphic descriptions
Crow: The time rotor rose and fell like a woman's bosom, as
the Doctor pressed the pink button, pink as a woman's...
[Doctor clamps Crow's beak]
> and increase in the use of more
> profane language.
Doctor: Stick it where the Eye of Harmony doesn't shine!
Servo: You mother was a Draconian nursemaid!
Crow: Take this TARDIS and shove it!
>This group is more accepting of the change in genre.
>
>and
>2. Those that see the new range as
Doctor: A bespoilment on my good name, Doctor...
[Crow and Servo listen in apt attention]
Doctor: Non-ya.
> a bit perverted, with Ace
>diving in and out of bed, the Doctor and his companions naked
Crow (Peinforte): You always were a small man, Doctor.
> (to varying degrees),
>and the liberties that have been taken with the level of language being
> portrayed. This
>group still yearns for
Servo: A new episode before we really can travel in time.
> the old days when Doctor Who was treated as
> an adventure
>story, and felt that the inter-personal relationship searching was best left
>for the soap operas.
Crow: In other words, the "just give me some jiggling companions" group.
>Group No. 1 comprises the bulk of Doctor Who fandom presently,
Doctor: At 200 tons, the biggest bulk of fandom in the world!
> certainly
>as far as the 'on-line' community is concerned.
Crow: Of course, they're really more concerned with what the real
title of Dalek Cutaway was.
> They are enjoying
>seeing their previously confined characters facing more personal and real
>life situations,
Doctor: Next on the Real World, the TARDIS crew votes on whether
or not to throw Adric out an airlock, while Leela plots Puck's death.
> such as deaths of close friends,
Crow: Ohmigod, they killed Liz!
Doctor: Actually, she's running a detective agency. I keep
dropping by, but she never recognises it's me. Even in
the incarnation she knew!
Servo: With that nose you had, Stevie Wonder could recognise you.
Doctor (menacingly): Do you want to know what really happened to
Kamelion?
> sexual frustrations
> and problems,
Crow (female voice) Just when I get in the mood, he claims his
human side has a headache!
>as well as the day to day anxieties of travelling with an alien that is
> pushing
>the 1000 year mark.
Servo: You're almost 1000?
Doctor: Over, actually.
Crow: Did you babysit for Moses?
>But does the embracing of these positive new qualities also encompass
>the more controversial aspects of the novels? Are fans happy that Ace is
>very promiscuous,
Crow: Is it me, or is this person fixated on Ace's sex life?
Servo (writer): That slut stole my sweet Sorin from me!
> swears profusely and disagrees,
Servo: Oh, heaven forbid someone should disagree with the almighty Doctor!
Doctor: If they do, I just drop them off in the wrong time.
> often violently with the
>Doctor or other companions? Or are they content to accept that a Doctor
>Who companion such as Chris is spending more time chasing women than
>actually doing what he supposed to be doing ie. solving the mystery so that,
>in many cases, lives can be spared?
Doctor: THAT'S IT! THIS PERSON DIES NOW!!! (runs out of the theatre)
Crow: Uhm...that came out of nowhere!
Servo: We better stop him before he kills Steve Case or something.
{*...2...3...4...5...6...}
[SoL-Lights are low, the only illumination coming off-screen.
Tom and Crow enter from the left]
Servo: Doctor? Doctor! You better not be doing what I think you're doing!
[Cambot pans over to the right, revealing the Doctor at Crow's computer,
smiling maniacly, his fingers blurring over the keyboard]
Crow: Great! I knew we should have reinstalled Cyber Nazi!
Servo: Step away from the keyboard this minute, young man!
Doctor: No! Not when I'm so close! Soon, the cyber-world will never
have to be subjected to these slanderous posts!
Crow (whispering): Let me try this, Tom. The best way to approach
this is through diplomacy. [louder, inching slowly towards
the Doctor] So, Doctor, whatya doing?
Doctor: I was rummaging through my pockets, looking for the perfect way
to wreck my vengence on all these geeks, when it hit me! I'll strike
them where it hurts the most.
Servo: You don't mean...
Doctor: Yes! I will destroy...their FAN FICTION! With this Ratliff-Mosley
virus, I will rule the world! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-hah!!! [Crow backs up in
shock, not just at the Doctor's outburst, but at the sudden change
of his coat into a black robe]
Crow: Smeg diplomacy, he's nuttier than Yad's latest countdown!
[Crow launches towards the Doctor, but is swatted off
screen, screaming "Mommy!"]
Servo [turning his attention back to the Doctor after watching Crow flatten
across the hull]: Heh heh heh, now Doctor, don't you think you're
over-reacting a wee bit? Doctor? Oh my...!
[Cambot closes in on the Doctor, who is now wearing a long, flowing
black robe, complete with skull cap, with only his hawk like
face visible]
Servo: NO! Anyone but you!
Valeyard: Yes, Mr. Servo. I knew if I bided my time, the Doctor would
take the final plunge. Now, with the Ratliff-Mosley virus uploading,
I will destroy all SF fandom, and rebuild it in my image! So, until it's
completed it's download, why don't we finish that insufferable skunk
haired toad's experiment?
[lights begin flashing]
Servo (screaming): Gypsy, Crow, HELP ME!!!
{6...5...4...3...2...*}
[Valeyard straps a screaming Servo into his chair. Tom stops screaming
long enough to look over at Crow's seat and see someone else
is sitting in his place]
Servo: Uhm, who's you friend, your almighty evilness?
Valeyard: I'd like to introduce you to Alan Yu.
Servo: GOD NO!!!
Yu: Don't point your dome at me! How do I know it's not a ray machine
meant to mess with my mind?
Valeyard: Shut it, Yu.
> Do they accept these perceived
> failings
>as a necessary tradeoff for the advances
Valeyard: Of Monica Lewinsky on Bill Clinton?
Servo: Just you wait till Mike gets back!
Valeyard: That won't be for quite a while. He's trapped in the Land of
Fiction, and he's enjoying his indentured servitude to a certain
Picard-spawn.
> that have been achieved
> in this new
>literary field?
Yu: A literary field which implants tiny chips that make me want
to watch Fox's "When Magician's Attack!"
>Over the past few years, the Doctor Who community has become
> a lot more
>close knit,
Valeyard: Thanks to the sewing together of their limbs.
> a more global kind of community.
Servo (finally relaxing): Complete with riots, politcal scandals, and
long discertations on Pertwee's superiority.
> With the more widespread
> acceptance
Valeyard: Of the fact that Star Trek will always be more popular.
Servo: You fiend! You can't even be loyal to the show that spawned you!
Valeyard: Would you be loyal to something that gave John-Nathan Turner
a regular job?
>and use of the Internet, newsgroups and email, fans are now able to
> converse
>regularly with other fans half a world away.
Yu: Fans being held hostage by the fascist police state run by ZOG!
> This, in some cases, has
> lead to more
Servo: Flame wars than any healthy fandom should endure.
Valeyard: Have you visited alt.tv.x-files lately?
>of a "group mind" community,
Yu: A group mind controlled by...
[Valeyard smacks Yu, knocking him out]
Servo: First good thing you've done since showing up.
> with the majority of fans who, believing
>that their particular opinion is the only one, "gang up" on anyone who
> does not agree.
Servo: It's called "survival of the net fittest".
Valeyard: I call it fun.
Servo: You would.
>Often these 'victims' of mass abuse are called 'trolls'.
Valeyard: They live under bridges, have bad breath, and eat newbies
for lunch.
> This goes on until
>the difference of opinion either concedes or leaves.
Servo: Or stops asking where to find nude Gillian Anderson pics.
> The majority of fans are
>generally very tolerant of each other outwardly,
Valeyard: But secretly dream of each other's violent demise.
> merely because they feel
>that they would not be part of the "in" crowd anymore if they said
>something that differed.
Servo: Like "Tom Baker Sucks!"
> They are quick to join in a positive feeling towards somebody or
>something, for fear of being left behind.
Valeyard: What newsgroup has this person been reading?
Servo: alt.cukoo.waste-of-bandwith
>This "group mind" is generally very receptive to the new novels,
Servo: Thanks to those nifty implants that Cigarette Smoking Man
gave them!
Valeyard: You appreciate my work?
Servo: You mean...
[Valeyard lights up a Morley]
> and believes that
>the new character development that has been slowly building is good
> for the books.
Servo: And is also good for those long essays over who was more
promiscuous, Ace or Chris?
Valeyard: Actually, it was Susan.
Servo: How can you say that about your own grand daughter?!
Valeyard: Because I'm EVIL!
>This may be helped by the fact that
Servo: People genuinly like the books.
> many of the authors of these books
> are participating in
Valeyard: A twisted plot to clone Barney the Dinosaur.
>these online discussions, possibly dissuading any dissimilar thoughts
>due to the fear of offending somebody "important", such as these very
>writers.
[both break down laughing]
Servo: Azaxyr, is that you?
Valeyard: No, him and Long are working on my plot to kill the editors of
Virgin. I'll show them who's a boring villian! (starts laughing maniacly,
causing Tom to inch away as much as he can)
>Witness any average day on the newsgroup rec.arts.drwho, where you
> will find
Servo: Fifty subjects with the header, "MCCOY SUCKS! PERTWEE RULES!"
>many postings in which our on-line New Adventures writers are viewed as
Valeyard: Less than human just because they have the funny
idea of doing something the TV show never would have done.
>pseudo-celebrities, to be fawned over and idolised.
Servo: All must bow down before the great OrmanBlum! Worship,
or be fed to the devourer of souls that is Dangermouse!
> These writers are
> the new
>directors, producers and casting agents for Doctor Who,
Valeyard: And the only way to be accepted by them is a trip to
the casting couch.
> and have a
>lot of power over the perceptions of fans,
Servo: Witness how they can make anyone accept their opinion
with just the simple words, "Kill file!"
> with their ability to 'shape'
Valeyard: Words into odd works of art called "stories."
>what we are reading, both by their own ideals and those of the publishing
>company,
Yu (coming to): Which distributes books aimed at making
me run around in my...
[Valeyard shoots him with TCE]
Servo: Now how am I going to get that smell out?
> who in no small way have their say over how they want the
>books to be written.
Servo: Well, they publish them! What should they do, publish any crap
that comes their way?
Valeyard: I think that's what this person is trying to say.
>In many ways, it pays to read thoroughly any possible posting to
> a newsgroup
>or email group,
Servo: Becuase it's good netiquette.
> as any comments which they consider to be
>unacceptable, or at the very least uninvited, are leapt upon.
Valeyard: I can't wait for the follow-up. Wonder if they'll defend Long's latest
homophobic rant?
Servo: How can you employ someone like him?
Valeyard: I use him for my footstool, while Azaxyr tongue shines my boots.
> While in case this may not
> be a bad thing,
Servo: A bad thing would be to go around claiming Bill Clinton's been
shagging every Spice Girl.
>it certainly precludes the possibility of seeing many postings that
> reveal the
>true emotions of the poster,
Valeyard (poster): YU'r LAIM!
Servo (replier): Tell me how you *really* feel.
> as these are frowned upon as being
> "politically incorrect".
Servo: With tonight's special guests Matt Drudge, Kenneth Starr,
Pat Buchanan, and Rupaul!
>They are often swamped by dissenting statements, and thereby losing
>or distorting the original point of the comment that was posted.
Servo: But I was trying to point out the intristic flaws in the Doctor's
motivation!
Valeyard: I don't care, who's the most smokable companion?!
>But it is these very people who write the novels, and preside over the
Valeyard: Church of the Almighty Meddler.
Servo (preacher): Please open your prayer guides to the book of
Revealations, Psalm 69.
>Doctor Who universe, that are the world-shapers
Valeyard: I like to shape my worlds like Carrot Top's head.
> for our new series of
> Doctor Who novels.
>Are some of us missing the point by not embracing the new
> series of books,
>not fully understanding the literary avenues
Servo: Take Stephen King Avenue, which intersects with Clive Barker Street
and Shakespeare Parkway, and you'll get to the Poppy Z. Brite district.
> that are being explored by them?
>
>This brings us to Group No. 2, what I call the traditionalists.
Servo: And what I call the "snobby fans who stopped watching when
Tom Baker left."
Valeyard: In other words, the group with no sense of humor.
> They have been
Valeyard: Spayed, nuetered, and executed.
>(and still are) avid fans of Doctor Who when it comes to his televised
>adventures,
Servo: Great, another person who thinks that's his real name!
Valeyard: I can tell you it, for a price.
Servo: I have to bow down before you?
Valeyard: No, you have to sponge-bathe Rush Limbaugh and
give Jesse Helms a vaseline rub down.
Servo: If I could, I'd puke now.
> but feel threatened by the new series of books and their
>more liberal storylines. They feel that they are not true to the spirit of
>Doctor Who, and in fact defile the previous 30 odd years.
Valeyard: Odd years in the context of Doctor Who is an understatement.
>These people have enjoyed Doctor Who for years for its thrilling
>adventures, sci-fi premises.
Servo: Sentences that stop without any warning.
> Their devotion to the televised series has
>not been borne out of tuning in to find out if a companion has had sex,
Valeyard: They tune in to see if will drop her skirt again.
> or to
>see if the Doctor is going to take his kit off.
Servo: What does his model building hobby have to do with this?
>This group may not necessarily be part of any online community
Valeyard: Or any community at all.
> (in fact,
>it is worrying that they are usually the ones who are not),
Servo: They prefer to argue with each other through snail mail.
> but are still
>active in a local group or club,
Servo: The Freemasons, the Cult of Demnos, the Church of the Almighty
Wall Socket
> or at the very least watch the show regularly.
Valeyard: Showering and interacting with the opposite sex, on the other
hand, occurs only on Festivus.
>Their arguments run as follows.
Valeyard: U SUK!
Servo: nO, YOU SUC!
> Do the writers of the New Adventures feel
>they are doing the right thing by
Servo: Selling illegal hair tonic made from cat sweat?
> portraying the companions as nymphomaniacs
Servo: Would you stop it with the nymphomaniac line! There have
only been one or two sex scenes in the entire series!
Valeyard: I'm surprised this person hasn't criticised Human Nature
for the kissing scene.
>and the Doctor as even more of a schemer than he was during the televised
>adventures? Are the New Adventures writers treading a thin line between
Valeyard: Love and Hate?
>professional writing and amateurish "giggling behind the bike shed"
Servo (giggling, high pitched voice): Oh, Doctor, you do the best
Dirk Diggler impersonation!
>adolescent writing?
Valeyard: Someone's calling the kettle's spots.
Servo: What?
Valeyard: Sorry, *he's* slipping through.
Servo: Oh yeah? (waits a few seconds, then turns and screams into
the Valeyard's ear) DOCTOR! WAKE YOUR HALF-HUMAN,
JELLY BEAN EATING, TIME CHAMPIONING BUTT UP!!!
Valeyard: Scream again, and I'll ram the Sonic Screwdriver through
your dome!
>Some might say that they have crossed this line already, venturing into the
>arena of mere smut,
Servo: I give up. The Doctor could tweak Ace's cheeks and this person
would say it was sexual!
Valeyard: Depends on which cheeks.
Servo: Are you the embodiment of all evil, or Howard Stern?
Valeyard: According to the FCC, both.
> and that the books are no more than a professional
> fans
Servo: Professional fan-What Harry Knowles puts on his resume.
>secret desire to write a story in which his former asexual television
>characters experience the sexual joys that are otherwise taboo in such
>a format. In fact,
Servo: You have no idea what you're talking about, and you secretly read
Ace's one sex scene in your bed late at night.
Valeyard: While the bed springs creak.
Servo: I'm beginning to miss Crow's restraint.
> the "blooming" of our TARDIS team over the 60-odd books has
>certainly made
Valeyard: People yearn for the Target adaptations.
> fans cast their eye over the BBC series, making sometimes
> puerile assumptions
Valeyard: And writing often puerile essays.
>on the sexual preferences of past Doctors,
Valeyard: Well, there were those rumors about...no, even I can't
go that far.
> companions and incidental
> characters.
Servo: Incident at Charcter Two-Zero.
>We are now not only treated to 'chinese whisper'
Servo (quietly): Which way to Jackie Chan festival?
> stories of Lalla Ward and
>Tom Baker and their relationship off screen,
Valeyard: Yes, that story about how they sat in the corner
while doing the crossword puzzle was a real steamer!
> but how that 'chemistry' can be
>re-interpreted in scenes from the series when viewed again.
Servo: This scene seems to say, "Not tonight, Tom, I have a headache."
> And we are surely
>venturing into murky waters
Valeyard: Muddy's lesser known brother.
> with the theory that Harry Sullivan was more
>than just a good sailor,
Valeyard: He was *faabulous*!
> and Leela wore leather for more than one reason!
Servo: Yeah, there weren't any Gaps in her village.
>Idle hands do thedevils work they say.
Servo: Yeah, and they also say we hate love, we love hate.
> That can be applied to Doctor Who,
>with idle minds
Valeyard: They're not idle, they're just in neutral.
> with no new televised product
Servo (Love & Rockets): No new televised product to tell!
Valeyard: That's reaching.
Servo: Oh yeah, Mr. "More sexual inuendo's than Drew Carey"?
> turning to the past and in
>some cases making up crackpot stories to keep the 'flame' alive.
Valeyard: Someone needs to take a look in the mirror.
>Do we really need to discuss this sort of thing when there are so many
Valeyard: More worthy of our time?
Servo (under his breath): Traitorus pig...
Valeyard: What was that?
Servo: I said I need to trade some figs.
>other avenues of Doctor Who? Are we really that starved for decent
>conversation about our favourite program that we need to make up
> this new stuff?
Servo (sarcasm): You know, this has really opened my eyes! I think I'll
stop wasting my time on Who and go make snide innuendo's
about Xena and Gabrielle from now on!
>Probably the real question here is,
Valeyard: Do you have a life?
Servo: Or are you Mary Whitehouse hiding behind a net name?
> not how this new 'sexual age' of
>Doctor Who
Valeyard (singing): This is the dawn of the sexual age of Doctor Who!
Servo: Now who's reaching?
> is portrayed, but whether it needs to be portrayed at all. If a
>budding writer who is a Doctor Who fan has a burning desire to write a book
> that explores
>new boundaries and makes statements on certain subjects, then surely
>he/she can find a better medium than Doctor Who?
Servo: Yeah, if you want to write something thought provoking and
and original, go write for Babylon 5!
>Can a writer who wishes to make a statement hope to do so in a book
>range based on a series that is still widely believed to be a children's
> show?
Valeyard: This must be one of those fans who think the show
should have ended with Hartnell.
> What drives
>writers to feel they have to write these books,
Servo: Genuine love for the series?
Valeyard: The odd idea that something has to keep the franchise going?
> when in most instances they
>are nothing like the series on which they are based?
Servo: Yeah, it'd be *so* much better if every story was like The Enemy
of the World!
>Writing a novel is a very good way of exploring the issues which can
>personally affect you, or the people around you.
Valeyard: Writing an asinine essay is a good way of starting a flame war.
> Can a book based on a now defunct
>children's series
Servo: Would you prefer a series called "Doctor Woctor and Acey Wacey?"
Valeyard: How about "Doc Dude and Cwejasaur?"
> hope to accomplish such levels of artistic endeavour, when a book,
>with entirely fresh fictional characters,
Valeyard: I thought the point of this was to decry characters acting fresh?
> set in the universe of your own choice,
Servo: Hmmm, should I set in Captain Carrot's or the Vanpire universe?
>would be a far more rewarding and worthwhile accomplishment?
Servo (taunting): Sci-fi snob! Sci-fi snob! Sci-fi snob!
>The Doctor Who book range, to my knowledge,
Valeyard: Which isn't much.
> is one of the only series of novels
>that differs in any great way from the televised product it is based upon.
>Is this the reason why many of these series, such as the Star Wars and Star
>Trek novels sell so well in comparison to our range?
Servo: No, because much like you, people regard Who as a cheap children's
show, and prefer to read the latest factory-produced Trek novel instead.
Valeyard: Feeling suicidal today?
Servo: I've read X. I have no fear.
>While it is applauded that new boundaries are being explored with the ranges,
Servo: Except by you.
Valeyard: Probably think's Sinbad is the greatest thing to hit TV.
>has increased sales and exposure been sacrificed for the sake of artistic
>integrity?
Valeyard: This person would make a great TV executive.
> The purpose of these novels in their present form is to attract new
>readers, but even now that is in doubt because the Doctor Who logo has been
>removed, thereby taking away that visual identification the consumer associates
>with the show, as he is browsing through the science fiction section of his local
>bookstore.
Servo: Well, maybe that's because THE DOCTOR ISN'T IN THEM ANYMORE!
DO YOUR SMEGGING HOMEWORK!
Valeyard: Feel better?
Servo: I've lived through McCoy, this is nothing.
>We can only look to the future and hope that the book series continues
>to prosper,
Servo: Since it will allow me to keep writing pointless diatribes like this.
> as it is probably the only form of Doctor Who we are likely to
>get for quite a while.
Servo: What, no smiley face? I feel cheated!
Valeyard: Are you ready to die, Mr. Servo?
Servo: Oh, what do you expect me to say? Yes, Mr. Pale-ripoff of the
Master, please kill me?
Valeyard: As you wish. [unties Servo and carries him out the theatre]
Servo (screaming): At least your good side knew what sarcasm was!
{6...5...4...3...2...*}
[SoL-Tom is tied to the counter, as the Valeyard wheels in a slightly
cheaper version of the Keller Machine from "The Mind of Evil"]
Valeyard: What do you fear, Mr. Servo?
Servo: Spending another second with you! Untie me or I'll...
[Valeyard turns on machine, causing Tom to start screaming. Cambot
begins to swerve around, showing Tom's face frozen in a rictus of horror,
while the Valeyard laughs maniacly]
[Suddenly, it all stops, when Gypsy rushs in and clamps her mouth around
the Valeyard, with Crow following close behind with his chainsaw]
Gypsy: Crmph, tgk gerph omph thmph margchme amfh Tromph!
Crow: Huh?
Gypsy [releasing the Valeyard, and swatting him off screen]: Crow, take
care of the machine and Tom! I'll take care out skull-boy and his
fict virus!
Crow: Oh, okay!
[takes chainsaw to Keller Machine, splitting it in two neat halves. He
then rushes over to Tom]
Crow: Speak to me buddy!
Servo (weakly): The horror...the horror...
Crow: What? The horror of what?
Servo (painfully): I saw the future...I saw...Pearl dancing for a monkey in
a string bikini...
[Gypsy pokes her head back on screen]
Gypsy: Crow, get some Leave it to Beaver episodes! I'm gonna
have to deprogram the Doctor the hard way!
[Crow rushes off screen, as Tom shakes violently)
Servo (weakly): Mike in a Janeway outfit...
[D13- Pearl's sitting on the couch, watching TV, while Dr. F continues
to retch off screen]
Pearl: Oh, for crying out loud! Clayton, could you hold it down,
I'm trying to watch Dawson's Creek! It was just one kiss!
It's not like you had his baby or anything!
[as the screen swooshes shut, the puking intensifies]
\ /
\ /
0 *swoosh*
/ \
/ \
Mystery Science Theatre 3000 and it's related characters and situations
are trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved.
Doctor Who and all it's related characters and situations are trademarks
of and (c) British Brodcasting Corporation 1998. All rights reserved.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes
only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best
Brains, Inc. or BBC is intended or should be inferred.
>And we are surely venturing into murky waters with the theory that
>Harry Sullivan was more than just a good sailor, and Leela wore
>leather for more than one reason!
--
Michael K. Neylon, UM ChE Grad | "..Besides, as an engineer, I've
mne...@engin.umich.edu | never actually spoken to [a woman]
A!, PatB, F!, MST, ST, DW | and the very thought gives me the
http://pinky.wtower.com/mneylon | screaming willy-wallies!" Brain - A!#24