MiSTed--Remembrance
Omega
[guitar twang, la-la-la's, door sequence, and...]
Crow: Oh! And how about 'Star Trek II'? "At the end of the universe lies
the beginning of vengeance."
Tom: Yeah, I can just imagine if they'd continued that through the rest
of the series. "Star Trek V: At the middle of the universe lies the
be-all and end-all of stupidity."
[Both bots snicker.]
Mike: Hi, I'm Mike Nelson, welcome to the Satellite of Love, these are my
bots, Crow and Tom, and we're discussing our favorite movie slogans. I
always liked 'Desperado'. "He came back to settle the score with
somebody. Anybody. EVERYBODY."
Crow: Joel wouldn't let us watch that one. He told us we had to watch a
nice family movie, like 'The Black Hole'--"The movie that begins where
everything ends."
Tom: And ended just when it was starting to get interesting.
Crow: Hey, you just watch what you say! V.I.N.C.E.N.T. was one of my heroes!
Tom: Oh, sure, fem-bot, and I bet you also liked the Go-Bots...
Crow: You take that back!
[A brief struggle ensues. Crow and Tom fall behind the console.]
Mike: Um...guys...we've got commercial-sign, guys.
[A yellow light flashes on the panel. Various bits o' bot fly up from
behind the console.]
Mike: Ooh...that's not supposed to bend that way, is it? Wait, don't
break that--we don't have any more! [He presses the yellow button with
one hand, and catches Tom's head with the other as it flies through the
air.] Be right back.
[When Xena battles an evil sorceror..."I shall rule the world!"...with
the power to affect her ability to speak coherently..."Xena, can you
understand me?" "Skibbity fobboo namba-pamer!"...can she save the day?
"Eeber feeber melton skabbada shimmmm!" Babble on, Xena...]
[Back on SOL Bridge. Mike is busily popping Crow's eyes back in, while
Tom spins his head back around to get it into position.]
Mike: So, have you guys found a common ground yet?
Crow: Yes. *sigh* We've both agreed that K-9 is the coolest example of
robothood we've ever seen.
Mike: I've always been partial to Tweaky, myself.
Tom: Well, aren't you a geek--oh, look, R2-D2 and C-3PO are calling.
[Deep 13. Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank are standing there. Frank is
wearing a sweatsuit, complete with headband and dorky wrist-weights.]
Dr. F: Personally, I always liked Maximillian. Well, boopie, here we are
again, butting heads with another Invention Exchange. I'll go first, of
course...
Frank: Well, this week, Steve and I have been working on a little
invention for the sporting goods industry. It's a way to help out the
overpaid athletes, and make a little moolah for ourselves.
Dr. F: This new sports drink revitalizes carbohydrates, rebalances
electrolytes, rehydrates you after a long work-out, and contains enough
steroids and amphetamines to turn Bambi into Charles Manson! We call
it...Mangle, and as Frank here will demonstrate, it'll make even the
mildest towel boy into a lethal grid-iron monster!
[Frank takes a swig from some strange, neon-colored...almost glowing
liquid and collapses to the floor, convulsing.]
Dr. F: Er...why don't you go ahead with your Invention Exchange, GQ Reject?
[SOL. Mike is holding up a pair of penny loafers.]
Mike: Well, sirs, I've always been fascinated by the concept for the shoe
phone, from "Get Smart!" Recently I've had a bit of spare time on my
hands, so I figured, why not improve the concept? That's why I
created...the Shoe Office!
Crow: The left shoe's got a built in phone, fax machine, word processor,
spreadsheet program, and even a built-in photocopier!
Tom: Where does the paper fit in?
Mike: Don't ask.
Tom: And the right shoe has the water cooler, donuts, vending machines,
and the receptionist's office.
Mike: Receptionist not included, of course. [He runs the shoe over a
piece of paper sitting on the console, and pulls an identical piece out
from behind the tongue.] What do you think, sirs?
[Deep 13. Frank is snarling viciously, and quite literally bouncing off
the walls. He collides with one, smacks it around a little, and turns to
the next one. Dr. Forrester is beginning to look nervous.]
Dr. F: Well, Agent 13, your fanfic this week is a sample of what would
happen if you crossed "Star Trek: Voyager" with "Days of Our Lives". It's
called "Remembrace", and--[Suddenly, he notices that Frank is looking at
him with a maddened, twisted grimace.] Well, I hope you enjoy it. [He
slaps the button and begins to run.]
[SOL. Mike is typing on the shoe.]
Mike: Let's see, guys, how do you spell--
[Lights, buzzers, sirens go off--]
Mike: FANFIC SIGN!!!!!!!!!
[All enter theater amidst much hullaballoo]
> Disclaimer: Star Trek has never belonged to me, it never
> has and never will. It has always belonged to Paramount and
> Viacom, but if they want to give it to me, I'd love to have it.
> But now, all ye bow to mighty Paramount and Viacom.
> Author's Note: Inspirations come from the strangest
> places.
Tom: Who knows? Some day I might get one!
> I got this story from the Batman Forever soundtrack: No.2,
> One Time Too Many by PJ Harvey, No.3, Where Are You Now by
> Brandy, and No.5, Nobody Lives Without Love by Eddi Reader.
> No, I don't own them, so don't sue me. :)
> This story is (c) January 1997 by Serena.
Crow: And we're making fun of it....Hey! Mock Serena!
Mike: Don't make me kill you, Crow.
> All characters and names not of Paramount (Freddie Bristow,
> Junior. <I couldn't get him out of my head>, the U.S.S. Odette
> <from Swan Lake, my tribute to you, Pjotr Ilyich
> Tchaikovsky>, Biorelli's <no idea why that's even in here :)>,
> etc...)
Tom: What about all these people? Did she just feel like making
gratuitous mention of their names?
> Please ask if you want this story to be distributed around or
> be put on a web page,
Mike: Boy, I'll bet she gets tons of requests.
> I'll make like B'Elanna and break your jaw,
Crow: Oh, way to encourage them, Serena.
> OR Jana and Tommy'll come after you!!! (They are my Paris-
> ites, y'all. *grin*) *<|:o)
Tom: They live in my small intestine and eat of my semi-digested food.
*chuckle*
> Special Thanx to Jessica Ferroni, a wonderful poet and
> writer, and JoAnna Walsvik, a wonderful writer (I've no idea
> about her poetry, but I'm sure it's wonderful also. :) Really,
> I'm serious. :D) All of their writings have convinced me that
> I am surrounded by greatness. So this story is dedicated to
> them. :) <awwwww, shucks :)>
> Feedback is welcome at Serena <w...@acpub.duke.edu> be
> it compliments (yay!) or criticism (be it constructive?
> <hopeful glimmer>). :)
Mike: Jeez, enough with the happy faces! She makes Mister Rogers look
like the Grinch.
> I think I've rambled long enough. (It's
> the cold medicine...)
> ======================================================
> ================
> Summary: Tom Paris meets B'Elanna Torres five years after
> Voyager returned to the Alpha Quadrant. Paris still feels the
> same for B'Elanna,
Mike: Barely concealed contempt.
> but has B'Elanna changed too much....?
Tom: Her name's George now, and she's a linebacker for the Jets.
> ======================================================
> ================
> Remembrance (Post-VOY, P/T)
Crow: It's a part-time story.
Tom: Yeah, it doubles as bird-cage liner.
> by Serena <w...@acpub.duke.edu>
> ======================================================
> ================
> He approached her apartment and stopped, suddenly very
> unsure of himself. <What will she think?> He wondered.
> There was no answer.
Mike: Why, was he expecting one?
Crow (in Maxx voice): Damn...thinking out loud again.
> But then, he had no answers, especially concerning her.
> <Such is life.> he decided abstractly.
Mike: Abstractly?
Tom: Yeah, then he started thinking in a cubist style, and eventually
moved on to a neo-classical philosophy.
> He considered going back, to his comfortable quarters on
> his comfortable ship.
Tom: He had a little padded room there, all his own.
Mike: And a white Starfleet uniform with really, really long arms.
> *HIS* ship, it has a nice ring to it, but the ship was
> incomplete somehow,
Crow: It's missing the left nacelle, and going in circles at warp 8 makes
the crew hurl some serious chunks.
> as was his life.
> And he knew why.
Tom: Medical sensors had noted his loss of a pancreas some six months ago.
> But the why had gone out of his life a long time ago. A
> long time, he thought, only five years, and I'm thinking like an
> old man.
Mike: I'm even wearing Depends!
> But then, that was expected, it may not be desirable. It
> just...*is*.
> <You've come this far, and you've stopped now. Isn't that
> typical?> He thought.
Tom: Thus proving himself far superior to the writer.
> As if by automation he touched the doorbell. And he held
> his breath, waiting.
Mike: Five minutes later, he passed out from oxygen deprivation.
> What will he find? He really didn't want to know, but that
> was, of course, typical.
Tom: Paris shielded himself in a cloak of ignorance.
> The door opened, and SHE was there, as perfect as he
> could remember it. It was as though the universe had
> regained shape it had five years ago. But then, she was
> always like that, holding on to something that seemed
> impossible.
> <I'm not making much sense, am I?> he wondered.
Crow: Ah, so he was the one who wrote the Star Trek Technical Manual!
> <Well, stranger things have come to pass with me.>
Mike: Like the time he turned into an amphibian and made it with Janeway!
Crow: That actually happened?
Mike: Unfortunately, yes.
> <All this time,> she thought, <and he hasn't changed a
> bit.> He was still devastatingly handsome, but his eyes seem
> to be misted over with sadness. <From what?> she
> wondered, <He has everything that he wants.>
Crow: Everything? A complete set of "Star Trek: The Rubber Costumes"
collectible plates?
Tom: Yep.
Mike: The Spanish-American War Commemorative Chess Set?
Tom: Yep.
Crow: A functioning brain?
Tom: Well, she did say "everything he wants".
> She had to stop herself from walking onto *that* path,
> the one that only caused her pain and sadness. But then,
> what's a little more going to do, kill her?
Tom: We can only hope.
Mike: Yeah, guys, let's get out of here.
[Door sequence plays in reverse, and...]
[SOL Bridge. Tom and Crow are sitting on the bridge, eagerly conferring.
Mike walks up jauntily.]
Mike: Hey, guys. Whatcha doing?
Tom: Oh hi, Mike. We've decided to write a screenplay for the first "Star
Trek: Voyager" movie.
Crow: We might not be the next Brannon Braga or Jeri Taylor, but how bad
could we be?
Mike: Sounds like fun. Maybe I can help?
Crow: Um...sure. OK, here's what we've got so far...Voyager is trying to
get back to the Alpha Quadrant...
Tom: When all of a sudden they encounter a mysterious spatial anomaly.
The spatial anomaly causes their holodeck to malfunction...
Crow: And then, with the crew confused by the malfunctioning holodeck,
the Kazon attack!
Tom: Just when all seems lost, Q shows up and banishes the Kazon because
they're interfering with his attempt to seduce Janeway!
Crow: And, well, that's about as far as we've gotten. So what do you
think, Mike?
Mike: Well, I don't know, it all sounds a little...cliched, doesn't it?
Tom: How so?
Mike: Well, it just sounds like you're reusing one of the six stock plots
Voyager has...well, actually, it sounds more like you're using three or
four of them.
Crow: What are you getting at?
Mike: Well...maybe you should try being a little more...original?
Tom: Mike, Mike, Mike...this is STAR TREK, here! We don't have to be
original--we're a franchise!!!
Mike: Oh, OK...well, in that case, you should probably have the EMH
Program be possessed by an ancient computer virus that Q accidentally
brings with him, causing him to switch personalities.
Tom: Ooh, and then it causes the ship to go out of control, spiralling
into the spatial anomaly, when suddenly...
Mike: Wesley Crusher teleports in, using his Traveller powers, and saves
the ship with an innovative technical solution that the entire
Engineering Crew, for some reason, couldn't comprehend! [Both of the bots
stare stonily at Mike.] What?
Crow: Wesley Crusher?
Tom: We have our standards, Mike.
[Lights and buzzers flash on the console]
Mike: And we've also got FANFIC SIGN!!!!!
[All enter theater amidst much hullaballoo]
Mike: Well, back to the tedium...
> <She seem so sad,> he thought, <it was almost as if she
> wasn't here.>
Tom: Ha! Can't fool me! This is another one of those "virtual reality"
episodes where you're supposed to believe that it's twenty years in the
future, but he's really been captured by a bunch of Romulans who are
really amorphous energy beings probing his mind!
Mike: I don't which scares me more...the fact that you could imagine
something like that, or the fact that they've actually done it.
> The silence seem to hang on for an indeterminable
> amount of time as the two regarded each other. Finally, he
> finally spoke.
Tom: Redundantly, he redundantly repeated himself.
Crow: Yeah, and he said the same thing--
Mike: Shut up, Crow.
Tom: Be quiet, Crow.
Mike: Stop talking, Crow.
> "It's been a long time, B'Elanna."
> She started at his familiar voice, and she fought an urge
> to run far, far away, to the place that she had been in for so
> long.
Crow: The reaction Tom Paris provokes in most women.
> But no, she wouldn't hide, she wouldn't let herself.
> "Yes, it has been, Tom." She replied slowly. "Five years,
> as I recall."
> "You look beautiful." He told her. <absolutely beautiful>
> he added silently.
> "Always the flirt." She smiled slightly. It was a slight
> smile,
Crow: And he's being redundant again! And saying the same--
Mike: Don't even start.
> but he felt so happy to see her smile. He had tracked her
> through the years,
Crow: Until she got a restraining order on him.
> and he had heard all that they said about her.
> And all because of him.
> Suddenly he couldn't breathe, and he turned.
Tom: --blue, and passed out.
Mike & Crow: YAAAAAY!
> "I should go."
> She placed a hand on his arm.
Crow: It wasn't hers, of course...
Tom (as Paris): Oh my God, where did you get that!!?!?!
> "You've come this far, at least come in and have something to
> drink."
> He stopped and followed her in, and he stopped.
Crow: Hey, he's being--*whack* Ow!
> There were...PADDs and models everywhere in the room.
Crow: Hey, look, it's Christie Brinkley in the corner!
Mike: Hey, isn't that Cindy Crawford hanging over the fireplace?
Tom (as Paris): Maybe I don't have everything I want after all...
> It was very clean, but the models...they were...too familiar.
Crow: After long nights on the holodeck, they were all too familiar to him...
Mike: Crow...that was strike one.
> He stopped at one, "You designed this?" he indicated at
> the model. It was a replica of *his* ship, sleek and graceful,
> like a swan poising for flight.
> She nodded, "Yes, I did, but I must say it was a real
> surprise when they gave it to you.
Tom (as B'Elanna): I was expecting you to be commanding a garbage scow in
the asteroid belt, Tommy Boy!
> Is tea okay?"
> Her voice was low and hesitant, like she haven't
> willingly had a conversation with anyone in years. But then,
> it was the truth.
Mike: Tea really was okay.
> The rumors that he had heard broke his heart. She was
> isolated and very distant, he had heard, a real cold woman.
Tom: Well, she could just put on a coat.
Crow: No, Tom, I think the author's implying that she's fri--glmph!
Mike: Strike two, Crow.
> It wasn't the B'Elanna that he knew, and loved. But then,
> it's his fault, isn't it?
> They sat with a cup in their hands.
Mike: Boy, you'd think she could afford more than one cup.
> B'Elanna tilted her head nad regarded him, unsure of how to
> start. Plainly, she decided, would be the best course of
> action.
Tom: And if anyone knows 'plain', it's B'Elanna.
> "I guess you're wondering why I asked you to come." She
> began.
[Crow begins to open his beak, but looks over at Mike and thinks better
of it.]
> "It was a BIG surprise." he admitted.
> "Do you remember Mala Roberts?" She asked. <Why did
> you ask that?> Her mind chastised her, <Why did you have to
> bring HER up?>
Mike: And speaking of bringing things up, do we still have any of those
air-sickness bags?
Tom: Sorry, Mike, you used all of those up during "2000-X".
> His eyes darkened, and he nodded, "How could anyone
> forget?"
Mike: Yes, "2000-X" was pretty hard to forget...but the pain of this is
definitely threatening to overshadow it.
> He waited patiently for B'Elanna to continue, and
> B'Elanna tried to organize her muddled thoughts, muddled
> because he was near,
Tom: And of course, the "Home Lobotomy Kit" didn't help much.
> and her thoughts drifted back...
>
> Five years ago...
> Everyone was edgy, well, almost everyone.
Tom: Yeah, the whole Stellar Cartography department were stoned off their
asses.
Crow: Whoa, dude...look at the stars...
> They had finally did it,
Tom: They did done do'ed it!
> they made it back to the Alpha Quadrant.
Crow: WOO-HOO!!!!!!
Mike: What's the big deal about that?
Crow: Well, it means the series will end, for one thing...
> In a rare act of mercy, the female Caretaker, with a motion
> of her hand, took them back, to their homes.
> There were festivities all over Voyager as the crew had
> learned that the Cardassians were gone, victim to a deadly
> plage that ended as swiftly as it had begun, and that their
> families were waiting for them.
Crow: Wait, the families of the Cardassians were waiting for them?
Mike: (in whiny mom voice) Do you know how long supper's been waiting?
> B'Elanna didn't join them.
Tom: So she's still in the Delta Quadrant? Then how can this be happening?
Crow: It isn't...Paris joined the Stellar Cartography department.
> She had no one waiting for her back in the Alpha Quadrant,
> and quite frankly,
Tom: --given her personality, we understand why.
> it was fine by her. Tom was the same way, but it was about
> to change.
> B'Elanna had slipped away as soon as she could from the
> party to the observation lounge. She had wanted to go back to
> Engineering, but there was an informal party there also.
Crow: Stellar Cartography had stopped by, and pretty soon people were
bungee-jumping off the warp core!
> All she wanted was to be left alone for a little while.
> It was in this state that Tom found her.
Mike: Montana. When B'Elanna wants to be alone, she'll take drastic measures.
> All Tom could think was how beautiful B'Elanna was,
Crow: She's not anymore, but...
> illuminated in the starlight. He had fallen deeply in love
> with her, but he never let it show. At least, he hoped not.
> They had been flirting on and off for about a year now, and
> Tom was hopeful that she felt the same way towards him.
Crow: On and off?
Tom: Yes, B'Elanna comes with her own remote control!
> But it was just hope, or was it? Had he seen something in
> her eyes too?
Mike: No, that's just dust.
> He wasn't sure.
> "Are you going to stand in the doorway all day?"
> B'Elanna asked, her voice tinged with amusement.
> "I...uh...just wanted a break from all this...." He gestured
> to the laughter coming from a few corridors away. "You
> know, the festivities"
Mike: Stellar Cartography keeps asking me to smoke a little Pink Floyd
and eat some of the organic gel packs.
> "I understand." B'Elanna said comfortingly. "Well, I've
> been staring at the stars long enough, I'll see you later."
Tom: Yes, staring vacantly into space provides B'Elanna with hours of
amusement.
> <Go? No, stay!> He silently protested, wanting to spend
> a little more time in her presence. He wasn't aware that he
> had spoken until she looked at him in surprise.
Crow (in Maxx voice): Damn. Thinking out loud again.
> "All right, that is, if it's not going to bother you."
> "Not at all." Paris gestured to a seat.
> She sat, or at least tried to.
Tom (as B'Elanna): [makes *thump* noise] Paris, that "pulling the chair
out from under me" trick gets old fast.
> As she slid past Paris and into the seat, she stumbled
> slightly, and Paris caught her.
Mike: Then he threw her to first for a double play.
Crow: And up next to bat, it's Kathryn "Bunt" Janeway! Everybody move in,
everybody move in!
> Their eyes locked. And they didn't move away.
Mike: To prevent my eyes from being stolen, I always use--The Club!
> Their lips met,
Mike: "Hi, pleesedtameetcha, I'm George, I'm the upper lip, this is Bob,
he's the lower lip, and you are?"
> and frankly, it was as if it was meant to happen. And that
> kiss told each other what they wanted to know.
Tom (as Paris): Still got your tonsils, huh?
Crow (as B'Elanna): You had fish for lunch, didn't you?
> Finally, they pulled away, breathilessly, not fully
> understanding what had happened.
Tom: We did the lip thingie, didn't we?
> But when they did, it was pure happiness.
> Good news lasts, but it was about to change...
>
> They had met Tom's father, and it was a wonderful thing
> to watch. The father who had been so devastated when the
> son disappeared, and the son who had changed into someone
> else:
Tom (as Paris): No, Dad, that's B'Elanna. I'm over here.
> mature, responsible, handsome..., just the son a respectable
> admiral wants.
> B'Elanna...was very left out.
Crow: Oh, Shatner's narrating.
> There was really nothing. Tom had brought her to his home,
> the one that he had grew up in.
Tom: He grewded up!
> She took long walks, visited the Academy, where she was
> told that she would not have to go back in order to retain her
> rank. She visited the rest of the crew, all that she knew and
> could find.
Mike: Most of them hid from her like startled deer.
Crow: Yeah, but Stellar Cartography was pretty easy to find. They were
doing a nickel in Attica for possession.
> Other than that, she was left alone.
> Tom and her were to be engaged soon enough, and she
> had come, with him,
Crow: I...can resist...I can resist...I am one with the universe...I am
one with the universe...
> to get his father's blessings. Admiral Paris soon guessed the
> intentions, he had seen the glances, his son was in love with
> this...half- breed. And he didn't approve of it one bit.
Mike: Yeah, the Klingon would be bad enough, but a poodle?
> He wanted Tom to marry someone more respectable, not
> someone who had a shady history. Tom's he could forget, he
> was respectable now. What about her? She was a Klingon,
> and to his way of thinking, it was unacceptable.
> He caught her alone in the gardens while Tom was out.
> She was sitting on the bench, looking at the sunset. It may
> not seem like much, but to those who've seen a Terran sunset,
> it's impossible to forget.
Mike: Yes, after a couple of hours of staring directly at the sun, the
image is burned straight into your retinas.
> "Did I catch you at a bad time, Miss Torres?" He asked
> politely. <With a light touch, Paris, go slowly.> He told
> himself.
> She looked up in surprise, "No, not at all." She gestured
> to the opposite bench. He sat, making himself comfortable,
> and began without preamble, "I'd like to talk to you..."
> And the rest was history.
Tom: "Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers..."
Mike: No, Tom, _without_ preamble.
> She was still hurt and insecure. After all, why did Tom
> want to marry her? Was she just a challenge to him? What
> would she, a half-Klingon, do to his career? All those
> questions, and more, had gone straight to her insecurities,
> while Admiral Paris relentlessly talked to her. She didn't
> want to hear anymore. Soon after, she left. No explanations,
> no good-byes.
> Tom was heartbroken. The only one he had really loved
> had left him.
Crow: Yeah, and B'Elanna was gone too.
> He didn't know why, so he blamed himself. Mark Paris saw
> his son decline physically and mentally,
Tom: I didn't think that was possible.
> but his son would go on, he told himself, and went on doing
> things *his* way.
Mike: And we've got a break, guys. Come on, let's go.
[Door sequence plays in reverse, and...]
[SOL Bridge. Mike and Crow are leaning on the console, chatting
aimlessly. The camera is over on the left half of the console, so that a
puppeteer could bring Tom on-screen without being seen...not that Tom is
controlled by puppeteers, that is.]
Mike: ...so if holograms aren't real, why can you get wet from
holographic water?
Crow: Well...er...um...you see, the...the water, and...it's because...oh,
look! Here comes Tom!
[Tom walks on-screen, carrying a sign that says, 'The End Is Near'.]
Crow: Hi, Tom old buddy! Care to explain the workings of the holodeck to
Mike here?
Tom: No time for that, Crow. I'm preparing for the inevitable end that is
soon to come.
Mike: What do you mean, Tom?
Tom: Well, it's obvious. This fanfic simply _has_ to be one of the signs
of the Apocalypse.
Crow: Oh, I don't know. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's pretty darn
crappy, but...a sign of the Apocalypse? I mean...I just always felt
pretty sure that if there was a fanfic that signalled the end of the
world, it'd be written by Ratliff.
Mike: Noe kwestshun, Crowe. Ratliff iz...ewe noe.
Tom: Well--yes, I understand all that. But--look at this. For starters,
it's a Voyager story.
Mike: But it doesn't have Marissa in it.
Crow: Or Wesley.
Tom: But--but it's a Paris/Torres love story, Mike! Doesn't that mean
anything to you?
Crow: You know, Mike, he has a point.
Mike: Oh, knock it off. I know this isn't a sign of the Apocalypse, and I
have proof.
Tom: Oh, really? And what's that?
Mike: Two words--No Torgo.
Crow: He's right, you know.
Tom: Yeah...I guess it's not so bad. I mean, it's not as though Janeway
and Chakotay are married in this one. Thanks for straightening me out,
guys. I think I can make it through this one after all.
Crow: Well, that might be getting your hopes up a bit much, don't you think?
Tom: Well...
[Lights and buzzers begin to go off]
Mike: Figure it out later, we've got FANFIC SIGN!!!!
[All enter theater amidst much hullaballoo]
> About two weeks later, he threw a party in order to
> celebrate his son's return.
Crow: The Stellar Cartography department was out on work release...
> And it was there that Tom met Mala Roberts.
> Mala was a classmate of Tom's. Her father was the fleet
> admiral, and it was satisfactory, to Mark Paris anyway.
> Tom had never really like Mala. He didn't know why.
Mike: Perhaps it had something to do with the time she killed his dog,
and impaled its head on a spike outside their house.
> She was the class flirt, but then he was one too. He couldn't
> put his fingers on it,
Crow (sobbing): Please, Mike...please...
Mike: No. Not after we let you watch "Wild Orchid".
> but there was...something.
> Mala flirted with Tom all night, but Tom's mind wasn't
> on it. He kept thinking of B'Elanna, where she was and what
> she was doing.
> Mala......had no such worries,
Crow: She didn't even know who B'Elanna was!
> she was annoyed with Tom for not returning her flirtations.
> After all, she was the "beauty queen" in her class.
Tom: Narrowly beating out her classmates, George and Ted.
> She lured him out to the garden, on the pretense that she
> wanted to take a look roses.
Tom: Mala take look roses. Mala speak English good, yes?
> Tom had agreed absently, and that irked Mala even more.
> They sat on the bench, and Mala seized the
Crow: Yes, yes, go on, yes...
> initiative.
Crow: Dang.
> She kissed him, and Paris, startled into action, pulled
> her
Crow: Yes, yes...
> gently away from him.
Crow: Dang.
> "Mala," He began, "we shouldn't be doing this."
> Mala's frustration boiled.
Tom: Paris set a pot on her head and started slicing the carrots.
> "I don't see why I should even
> bother with you, Tom Paris! What do women see in you, an
> ex-convict, anyway? You're nothing! You'll always be a
> hateful person, always driving everyone away!
Mike: Paris is starting his own taxi service!
> Well, pretty soon you'll have no one left! And YOU're not
> wanted, not by me at any rate!"
Mike (as Paris): Hey, lady, the rate's not up for negotiation. Now where
do you want to go? Come on, the meter's running!
> Then she left, but her words stayed.
Tom: The word balloon hovered for long moments over the bench.
> Tom sat there, stunned, while her outburst took permanent
> residence in his mind.
Crow: I'd want to take up residence in his mind, too! Cheap rent, plenty
of space...
> <you're not wanted....what do women see...>
>
> Mala Roberts had heard all about B'Elanna Torres when
> Voyager returned. And her spitefulness reached a new high
> as she
Tom: --stopped by Stellar Cartography for a brief visit.
Mike: No, her _spitefulness_ was high.
Tom: Oh.
> rang the doorbell of B'Elanna's apartment. <I'll show *him*,>
> she thought.
Mike: Bastard doorbell, thinks he knows everything...
> The door opened, revealing a much subdued B'Elanna
> Torres, She had been granted an indefinite leave of absence,
> and she was doing consultant work with Starfleet
> Engineering. But there was no real pleasure in it, was there?
> Tom wasn't with her.
Tom: Well, that's because they wouldn't let me audition.
Mike: Really?
Tom: Yeah, something about 'the android quota's already been reached,
thanks'.
> Mala barged in. B'Elanna made no protest, everything had
> gone out of her when she left *him*.
Tom: Yeah, you know, spleen, pancreas, kidneys, small intestines...
Mike: That's enough, Tom.
> She hoped it was worth it.
> "Well, I've just come to ask about Tom Paris." Mala
> smirked.
Tom: Bones, cartilage, lungs, uvula...
Mike: Tom, that's more than enough, thanks.
> "What about him?" B'Elanna asked simply, something
> about Mala's tone that she really didn't like...like she owns
> Tom.
Crow: She got him on QVC for $12.99!
Mike: Boy, they're getting pretty desperate for new Trek merchandising,
aren't they?
Tom: Foam rubber, pancake makeup...
Mike: Tom!
> "Are you really as pitiful as they say? Dating and
> almost being ENGAGED to Tom Paris?" Mala stabbed.
Crow: (as B'Elanna): Gah! My shoulder!
> "I'm not pitiful, Mala." She answered, surprising Mala.
> "I remember you, and I know your kind, always hurting people.
> That's what you do, isn't it?"
Mike: You work for the IRS!
> Suddenly her fury returned, and she pinned Mala against
> a wall. Mala was terrified, she was, after all, pinned against
> a wall
Tom: Yes, so we've heard.
Crow: Hey, she's being...oh, never mind.
> with a half-Klingon, for heaven's sake.
> "Listen, Miss Roberts." B'Elanna growled in a low voice,
> "If you hurt Tom Paris, or slander his good name, and I hear
> about it. There's going to be hell to pay. IS THAT
> UNDERSTOOD?"
Tom: Um...how much does Hell cost, anyway?
> She let Mala go, and Mala quickly went, not wanting to
> look back to the Klingon. B'Elanna's strength left her, and she
> sagged against the wall. What was left of her? Was sadness
> the only thing left to her? Maybe it was.
Tom: No heart, stomach, uterus, fallopian tubes...
Mike: Tom--drop it.
> B'Elanna drifted out of her memories to see Tom
> watching her with a wistful expression on his face. She
> delibrately misinterpreted, and asked lightly, "I take it there
> was spaghetti sauce on my nose."
Tom: Well, that makes sense, because--HUH?
Mike: Guys--this is pain on a level that few mortals can comprehend.
> Tom started, and straightened. "No, no, you look fine.
Crow: He's lying, I can tell from here!
> What did you ask me here for?"
> "Oh, I've some diagrams I was looking over,
Crow: She wanted to show him her etchings!
> and I had some ideas on how to upgrade the Odette. Here're
> some diagrams..." She bent over,
Crow: Yes!!!!
> talking hesitantly. She haven't willingly talked to people in
> quite sometime...
Tom: In fact, none of them has.
Mike: People, no. Trees, yes.
> Tom was surprised at the change of the subject, but he
> didn't mind. Anything but those hurtful memories...
> She didn't seem to notice that as she bent over, locks of
> her short hair fell onto Tom's shoulder.
Mike: What the hell was she doing, nuzzling him?
Tom: No, her wig fell off while she was bending over.
> Tom, on the other hand, couldn't help but notice. He struggled
> to concentrate on her words. "...as you can see, I need to run a
> simulation using your current specs on your inertial dampers,
> so I'll have to go to Starfleet HQ tomorrow. If you can, I'd like
> for you to go along, as you and your chief engineer knows
> more about the ship's condition right now more than I. And
> your chief engineer's not available, Tom?"
Mike (as Paris): No, Bob and I are very happy together...um, I mean--
> "Um, yeah, sure B'Elanna. Listen, I have to go.
Crow: Do you have a bathroom in here somewhere?
> I'll see you at 0900 tomorrow?"
> "Sure," She answered quietly. "I'll see you then."
> She didn't want him to go, after all, she hasn't seen him
> in a long time...but such was life, she told herself, the ones
> you love are always leaving...
Mike: Rapidly. While pointing a gun at you and screaming, "Get away, you
unholy bitch!"
> Tom was almost relieved to go.
Tom: Er, that's a little more information than we need to know, thanks.
> He didn't want to leave her, but he couldn't bear the feeling of
> utter resignation on her part. Could it have been his fault?
> He wondered. <Almost certainly it is,> He decided.
>
> The next day Tom went to her apartment at 0850 hours.
> B'Elanna stepped out, wearing civilian clothes.
> "I thought you would wear your uniform." Tom observed.
> "Oh, that. I haven't touched it in a long time, not since
> the last stuffy banquet I was forced into anyway." She
> answered. Trying not to look at him,
Tom: After all, she didn't want to be turned to stone.
Crow: No, they were playing, 'Red Light Green Light'.
> she found her thoughts drifting anyway. After all this time,
> she thought, you'd think I would not be distracted by him.
> Tom must have sensed her discomfort, because he
> started a conversation about trivial things, carefully
> avoiding any dangerous areas. He had gotten her to smile a
> couple of times, and he was gratified. She had seemed so
> sad...
Mike: Not half as sad as we are. Come on, guys.
[door sequence plays in reverse, and...]
[SOL Bridge. Gypsy and Tom are standing next to each other, staring into
each other's eyes. Or rather, Tom's globe is staring at Gypsy's eye.]
Gypsy: So, Tom, why are you staring at me like that? Have I got spaghetti
sauce on my nose?
Tom: Um...yes, you do, actually. Here, just let me clean that off for you.
[Mike walks on screen.] Hold on, guys. Tom, Gypsy, what exactly are you
trying to do here?
Tom: I'm wiping spaghetti sauce off her nose, and--
Mike: No, I mean in general. Is this supposed to be some sort of parody
of the relationship in today's fanfic?
Tom: Er...yeah. That's what it is, Mike.
Gypsy: You mean I don't have spaghetti sauce on my nose?
Mike: OK, so the spaghetti sauce thing is kind of cute. But where does it
go from there?
Tom: Well, I was planning on having us go for a walk, and then we'd flash
back to the date we went on back in one of the previous episodes--you
know, "Swamp Diamonds".
Mike: Oh, sure. And how many people are going to remember that? Only
total losers who have the episode on tape or something. Face it, Tom.
This skit is only going to appeal to about three people.
Tom: Oh--oh, yeah? And what would you do, Mike? How would you save this skit?
Crow (from off-screen): I know! The Kazon would attack!
Mike: Crow, I don't think that--
Crow: And then a hundred space ninjas leap out with their atomic laser
swords, and--
Mike: We don't have the budget for that, Crow.
Crow: OK, then this high priest comes on with black robes, and red hands
stitched on them, and--
Mike: That's enough, Crow.
Crow: And then his henchman comes on, and he's got these really, really
huge knees, and--
Mike: Stop it, Crow!
Tom: See, Mike! It's not as easy as it sounds, is it? Pretty tricky when
you're the one trying to come up with all these ideas for a skit! So, I
ask again--what would you do?
Mike: Well...I guess I'd just muddle through, until we got--
[lights and buzzers go off on the console]
Mike: FANFIC SIGN!!!!!
[all enter theater amidst much hullaballoo]
Tom: Well, I guess that works.
> They were still chatting when they reached Starfleet
> HQ. Some took a double take when they saw B'Elanna Torres
> SMILING. In their minds, Torres was the Ice Queen, she would
Tom: --blast them with her wand of frost and use her dark magic to rule
all of Narnia!
> NEVER smile. And there were a couple of envious looks
> toward Tom Paris. after all, he was one of the most
> handsome bachelors in Starfleet, and he was with *B'ELANNA
> TORRES*.
> Paris saw all those looks, and he was uncomfortable.
Mike (as Paris): Ever since they published those pictures...
> Had she really changed THAT much?
>
> The simulation went smoothly, and they decided to visit
> HQ again tomorrow and test a couple other areas. They
> walked out chatting amiably, but Tom was aware of an
> undercurrent of emotions that could envelop B'Elanna
> anytime.
Tom: But B'Elanna was a strong swimmer, and was wearing her life jacket
in any event.
> What was it?
> "Can I entice you to lunch?" Tom teasingly asked.
> "Hmm, right now, I'm starving. Let's go." She answered
> smilingly.
Tom: Ah, the brilliant repartee, the rapier wit...it's like something out
of a Noel Coward musical.
Mike: Or "Beavis and Butt-Head Do America".
> They ate lunch at Biorelli's down the street from her
> apartments,
Crow: Why do they have to have restaurants when they have replicators?
> and then they took a walk aroung San Francisco. Tom hadn't
> been there in a while, not since his father's funeral anyway.
> He shied away from the memory. It was still too painful
> to dwell on. Over the years he and his father still disagreed,
> but never to the degree before. And he was grateful, Mark
> Paris was really the only family, other than Voyager, that
> was left.
Crow: He's related to the ship?
> They sat on a stone bench in the Golden Gate Park. And
> B'Elanna hesitantly brought the conversation to a close, "I'm
> sorry, Tom, but I have to go."
> "Go where?" He asked,
Crow(as B'Elanna): Just need to duck behind a bush real quick. Be right back.
> not wanting her to go.
> "I have to be getting back and go over some schematics."
> She answered, looking away.
> "Don't lie to me, B'Elanna, are you leaving because of
> me? He bluntly asked. He had to know.
> She paused, framed against the brilliant sunset as she
> stood up, "Yes." Tom's heart stopped.
Tom: Oh, my God, call 911! Call 911! Does anyone know CPR?
> "Why?" He asked quietly, thinking, <It is me after all, I
> shouldn't have come.>
> "You're wanted by everyone.
Mike: The police, the FBI, the IRS...
> What would I do to your career? I'd be holding you back, and
> besides, you're the one who told me once upon a time
Crow: In a galaxy, far, far away...
Tom: Well, yes, actually.
> that your career was the most important thing in your life.
Mike: Wait, wasn't he drummed out of Starfleet in the premiere or something?
> Why did you want to marry me anyway?" Her voice trembled,
> but she continued, "After all, you're the one who can have his
> choice of any female in the Federation, why did it have to be
> me?
Tom: Well, you know the rules, you drew the short straw...
> Why did I have to fall in love with someone that I know I'll be
> a burden to?"
> Tom was shocked, he thought he was the reason, and it
> was, but it was a different reason.
Crow: Y'know, when the dialogue is this bad, all we have to do is sit
back and watch.
> All his doubts vanished, he stood up and moved toward her,
> "Oh, gods, B'Elanna, you're not a burden. And I don't care if
> you are. All that really matters is that I love you. There isn't
> anything else that really matters to me. Not my ship,
Mike: Boy, the crew's going to be thrilled to hear that one.
> not Mala, and not even my father anymore! All that really
> matters is you."
> B'Elanna turned to him, her eyes bright with tears
> unshed, "I really wish I could believe that, Tom, but I guess
> I've been living by these thoughts for too long. How can I
> believe you?"
> "Listen to your heart, B'Elanna." He answered quietly.
Tom: I try, but all it ever says is 'thump-thump', 'thump-thump'.
> "You know that I've always told you the truth, believe now,
> even if it's the last time I ever spoke to you." He moved to
> hold her in his arms, but she moved away.
> "I wish I could. I'm sorry, Tom." Then she walked, no,
> ran away.
Tom: Then she changed her mind mid-stride and decided to skip.
> From him, from everything that mattered, from the past.
> What was the future, she didn't know.
Crow: Well, it's the part of time that happens after the present.
> But then again, did she really care anymore?
Mike: Well, _we_ certainly don't.
> That night, Tom didn't sleep on his ship.
Mike: Yes, he slept _in_ his ship--keeps you from falling off when they
hit warp 6.
> After all, *she* had left him once again. What was left? The
> best thing to do, he decided, is to try to finish whatever
> business was left on Terra and proceed on their next mission.
> He had to go to Starfleet HQ tomorrow with B'Elanna and get
> everything wrapped up.
Crow: After all, there's only ten more shopping days left until Christmas.
> Then, he thought, I could get away from all this, from all this
> pain. It was all that was left, just like in the beginning. But
> when he leaves her behind, not even that was left, he was
> sure of it.
Tom: OK, I've been fairly quiet about this up until now, but I've had it
up to here. PICK A TENSE AND STICK WITH IT!!!!!
> B'Elanna fell into a restless sleep that night, filled with
> strange images and sounds. She finally found herself beside
> a river, with Chakotay and her spirit guide. She didn't really
> care, all that mattered was that they were there. They
> haven't been for a long time. Chakotay was somewhere with
> Captain Janeway, his wife, exploring.
All: WHAT????
Tom: It's a sign!!! IT'S A SIGN!!!!!!!!!!
Mike: Calm down...it's almost over...
> And her spirit guide...she hadn't been there ever since that
> night when she left Tom.
Crow: Wait, her spirit guide left Tom?
> "B'Elanna, why did you leave?" Chakotay asked.
> "I...don't know." She stammered.
> "Let me tell you." Her spirit guide spoke, "You left
> because you let your insecurity get the best of you. This is
> the first time that has really happened, isn't it? You didn't
> know quite how to deal with it, did you?"
> "No," she answered quietly. "I guess not."
> "There is really no guesses, B'Elanna." Chakotay said.
> "B'Elanna, if you love someone, you'd tell them the truth,
> wouldn't you? If you love someone, that someone is never a
> burden to you, is it? When I married Kathryn, she never
> thought of me as a burden or something to be ashamed of,
Mike: Well, at least she never told me that to my face...
> just because I was a Maquis. I can tell you that Paris won't
> think so either."
> "How can I believe that?" B'Elanna asked desperately. "I
> want to believe him, but how can I?"
> "Listen to your heart, B'Elanna." Chakotay encouraged.
Tom (as B'Elanna): That's what Paris told me, but it still just keeps
going 'thump-thump', 'thump-thump'!
> "What do you really want?"
Mike: Cheese-cake.
> "Yes, B'Elanna," Her spirit guide urged. "Listen to your
> heart. Love is not going to be rational at times,
Tom: Much like this story.
> so your mind might be telling you one thing while your heart
> is telling you another. This is one of those times when you
> have no idea what to trust. But do we ever really know?"
> "I...guess you're right." B'Elanna slowly breathed out.
> "Then I ask you again, what do you want, B'Elanna
> Torres?" Chakotay asked.
Crow: Corn-flakes. I don't know why, but corn-flakes.
> Tom Paris was concerned, he had rang the doorbell
> several times.
Tom: This was his fifteenth game of 'Ding Dong Ditch', and he was
beginning to worry that they'd call in Security.
> He had tried to contact her, but she wasn't answering. He
> couldn't discount the possibility that...
Mike: She wasn't home?
> no, he mustn't think that. He tapped his combadge, "Paris to
> Odette. Beam me into the building 3 meters to the west of
> me."
Mike: But sir, that's solid brick, and--
Tom: Shh! Shh!
> The Ensign Freddie Bristow, Junior, on the ship at the
> transporter choked.
Tom: Oh, my God! Does anyone know the Heimlich Maneuver?!?!
> INTO Lieutenant Commander B'Elanna Torres' apartment???
> What is his captain thinking???
Crow: Well, I think that should be pretty obvious to everybody.
> Still, he is the captain.
> "Yes, sir." And he energized the transporter.
>
> Tom materialized into the area that he had sat two days
> ago,but he ignored it. He tried to find the bedroom, and found
> B'Elanna in her bed. For a minute, he was tempted to just
> look at her while she slept,
Crow: And then he was tempted to--[Mike leans over]--um, put her hand in
warm water.
Mike: Nice save, Crow.
> looking peaceful and showing none of the strain that he had
> seen. He quickly shook it off and tried to wake her. If
> B'Elanna awoke and found out, she would probably never
> forgive him, but still, it will probably be the last time he
> ever saw her again. And seeing her again is what really
> matters.
Mike: Hey, buddy, take a picture, it'll last longer.
> B'Elanna felt better than she had in a long time after
> that talk, but as she was saying goodbye to her friends, she
> was abruptly aware of someone trying to wake her. <Who
> could it be?> She wondered.
> She gradually woke up and opened her eyes full of hope
> for the day ahead. She wanted so much to tell Tom, but will
> he come? And who was this trying to wake her?
Crow: Oh, they're on a collision course with wackiness!
> She focused on the blond man, "Tom!" And she hugged
> him desperately, not believing her eyes, which were full of
> tears. Maybe, just maybe, everything will be all right again.
> "B'Elanna?" A muffled voice came from her shoulder,
Crow(as Paris): Um, you're breaking my collarbone...
> she tried to look at him, but he was hugging her just as
> desperately. <Maybe this is a dream.> He thought. "Does this
> mean you believe me?" He asked.
> "You bet." She smiled at him, and he was happy.
> If this was a dream, may he never wake from it......
Crow: And if this was a story, may it never be published.
Tom: Amen. Come on, guys, let's go.
[door sequence plays in reverse, and...]
[SOL Bridge. Mike, Crow, and Tom are sitting around talking.]
Crow: So, Mike, why does it always seem like aspiring fan-fiction writers
seem to feel the need to mate all the eligible characters together in a
weird pair-bonding system. Chakotay and Janeway, Torres and Paris,
Crusher and Picard--
Tom: Don't forget that one that had Paris and Ensign Kim.
Mike: I can't. Believe me, I've tried.
Crow: But why do they do it, Mike? Why this bizarre psychological
compulsion to mate everyone off in some sort of stereotypical "happy
ending" marriage?
Mike: Well, it might be an effort to seek a completeness within others
that they lack in themselves. Or maybe...I don't know, Crow.
Tom: Just imagine what they'd do to us, then. I'd have to get married to
Gypsy!
Mike: And I'd have to get married to...[looks around desperately, then
sighs] Crow.
Crow: Would that be so bad, Mike?
Mike: Yes. Yes, it would. [A red light flashes on the console.] Oh, the
Mads are calling.
Tom: And then Dr. Forrester would be married to--
Mike: Don't go there, Tom. [Pushes the button] Yes, sirs?
[Deep 13. Dr. F is hanging from the ceiling by a length of cable, while
just below him Frank snarls and drools in a vicious fury.]
Dr. F: Um, yes, it's very nice. Now, I'm afraid that we've run into a few
minor snags on the whole sports drink project, so--
[The cable snaps. Dr. F swings forward, slamming into the camera and
hitting the button.]
PWOOSH!!!!
Roll credits, cue music. Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its associated
characters and concepts are copyright Best Brains, Incorporated. The
skits and gags in this individual MiSTing were written by John "Omega"
Seavey and Jeff "The Captain Formerly Known as Pete" Mariano. The
original story was written by Serena; this MiSTing should be taken all in
good fun, and we don't really believe her story to be one of the signs of
the Apocalypse. At least, we're pretty sure. Filmed in Shadowramma, keep
circulating the tapes, thanks to the Teachers of America (especially my
dad) and the First Amendment. Comments appreciated at
seav...@maroon.tc.umn.edu.
> <I'm not making much sense, am I?> he wondered.