STORY: "Vampire" by Rodney Johnson
Jason D Corley
1...2...3...4...5...6...G...
{Crow and Tom are standing at the console. Crow has a lot of milk
cartons filled with plants in front of him. Tom has a volcano made
out of clay. Joel enters carrying clipboard and wearing glasses.}
JOEL: Hello and welcome to the Satellite of Love Science Fair. Our
two finalists, Mr. Tom Servo and Mr. Crow T. Robot have
agreed to give us a small presentation regarding their
projects. Mr. Crow?
CROW: Thank you Joel. My project dealt with the effects of different
substances on growing bean plants. I used a control group with
fifteen specimens and repeated the experiment eleven times for
greater accuracy. As you can see by these graphs, the results
were very good. In fact, I have produced a substance capable
of accelerating the growth cycle of the bean and solving the
world's hunger problem forever.
JOEL: Good work. Mr. Tom Servo?
TOM: I made a volcano.
CROW: Oh, and I can see you worked sooooo hard on it, too.
TOM: Oh, well your little plants are just totally impressive.
JOEL: Guys, guys. I think both projects are just fine.
TOM: But I'm not done! See I rigged it up with vinegar and baking powder
and a little C-4!
CROW: A little what?
{commercial sign}
JOEL: Oh, we got commercial sign. {pushes button}
TOM: All you have to do is push the detonator like this!
{sound effect during commercial: tremendous explosion}
{When returned from commercial, all are charred and smoking. Tom's
head has also exploded.}
CROW: You ruined my project!
TOM: Woooooo! Kapow! Wooooo! Huh heh heh woooo!
CROW: That was great!
{Mad scientist light flashes.}
JOEL: Oh, Solomon, Relihan and Blake are calling. {pushes button}
{Deep 13. Forrester and Frank are staring at the camera.}
FORRESTER: You wouldn't know science if it grew ten tentacles and stuffed
you into it's giant slavering maw. Why don't you get on
with this week's invention exchange, Mr. Wizard?
JOEL: This weeks invention exchange is the PenFinder.
CROW: Because whenever you buy a box of ballpoint pens, they always
dissapear one way or another.
JOEL: The PenFinder allows you to track your pens to whatever alternate
dimension you want.
FORRESTER: Very impressive, booby. But where is it?
JOEL: Where is...uh...guys?
{They cast around for the PenFinder}
JOEL: We'll have to get back to you on that one...what do you think sirs?
FRANK: We don't!
FORRESTER: And so we don't have to, we've come up with this week's
invention exchange, the Brain Cozy. That's right, even
when you aren't using your brain, there's no reason
it can't be warm and snug somewhere else.
{They produce a large ski hat and pull a brain out of it.}
FRANK: See?
FORRESTER: Well, Joel, I have some good news, some better news, and some
bad news.
JOEL: Give me the better news first.
FORRESTER: All right, it's not an Abian post either.
JOEL: The good news?
FORRESTER: We're not sending you a McElwaine post this week.
JOEL: The bad news.
FORRESTER: It's an alt.vampyre epic. Suck it down, boy.
{movie sign, running about, screaming, etc.}
6....5....4....3....2...1....G
>
>
{They enter the theatre}
TOM: I've got a bad feeling about this, fellas.}
>
> V A M P I R E
CROW: He sucks.
TOM: Huh huh huh {Butthead impersonation}
> (part1)
JOEL: This could be bad.
> by
> Rodney Leandrew Johnson
TOM: So how many people wrote this?
JOEL: Um...Rodney, Lee, Andrew and Johnson.
CROW: No, I thought it was Rodney Lee, and Andrew Johnson.
TOM: Hamilton, Joe, Frank and...
JOEL: Yeah, we already talked about this!
>
> The streets of London are my domain.
JOEL: Oh, great it's a math video.
> I love the fog -- its dampness,
>its smoke-like movements, its cloak-like quality.
CROW: It's pea-soupiness.
TOM: The way you can't see a damn thing in it! Where is everybody?
> I love the hollow sound of
>horse hooves on the cobblestone streets -- intoxicating.
TOM: Hic. I shjust loove it. Hic.
> My prey was a
>redhead.
>
> Like any appetizer, Marcella was a delicious morsel.
CROW (British accent): I'll bet she is, I'll bet she is.
JOEL: Not a word guys. Don't even start.
> I have always loved
>Spanish food -- its so spicy and hot!
CROW: Especially when you pour salsa all over it!
JOEL: Don't say anything.
> She was a first-year student at Oxford
>majoring in finance.
TOM: She was a capitalist running dog swine but I loved her anyway.
> Marcella's major required she obtain a certain number of
>credits in a science. Fortunately for me she chose physics, and like any
>non-physics major she needed tutoring.
JOEL: Tutoring from the Love Doctor.
CROW: Are you sure this isn't rec.arts.erotica?
TOM: Dear Penthouse, I never thought your letters were true.
> I have never been a scholar,but over
>the centuries (three hundred, in my case) one learns a great deal about a
>number of subjects whether one wants to or not.
JOEL: Macrame, for example.
CROW: But he still can't figure out how they get the filling into Twinkies.
> Marcella contacted me
>yesterday to set up a meeting for tonight at the university's library.
>
> One major weakness of my kind is the opposite sex. Marcella was about
>five feet and seven inches tall -- a vision of beauty.
JOEL: Unfortunately, her real name was Martin.
TOM: Hm. I guess this guy is easy to satisfy: Five-seven equals vision
of beauty.
> I could tell she was
>type "O" -- my favorite flavor. Marcella's slow, sexy accent was
>invigorating.
CROW: Shhhhhheeeeeeeee taaaaaallllllllkkkkkked liiiiiiiiiikkkkkeeeeeee
thhhhiiiiiiiisssssssssssssssssss.
TOM: And it was invigorating? How about stupefyingly dull?
> If only I was mortal, I could fall in...
JOEL: A huge vat of vanilla pudding.
> Another major
>weakness is dwelling on what we cannot be.
TOM: Interesting?
CROW: Coherent?
JOEL: Talented?
> I knew I had better put Marcella
>at ease, less I wanted my prey to become cold with discomfort, besides, I
>hate guspacho.
TOM: Guys, I hate spelling flames...but that didn't even make sense for
"gazpacho".
JOEL: Well, he can always send it back if he doesn't like it.
>
> Marcella and I studied the theories of laser optics for a little over two
>hours.
CROW: Boy, he takes this hunting business seriously. He studies two hours
before remembering that he's hungry.
> She became quite comfortable with me. After our session was
>over -- around 1:00 am -- I offered to escort her to her apartment building.
TOM: Blah! Blah blah blah! I vant to take you home!
>Marcella wanted to say yes, but her instincts -- keener than the average
>mortal's
JOEL: Smarter than the average bear.
TOM: Heey hey Boo-boo! Watch out for vampires. They're scaaaaary stuff!
> -- made her say no.
CROW: Maybe it's just because you're a flatulating butthead.
JOEL: Crow...
CROW: Well!
> Actually, this was a first for me. As I stated
>above, one weakness of my kind is the opposite sex,
TOM: The other weakness is for Eve Arden flicks.
> but that weakness is also
>a strength
CROW: I feel like I'm watching "Kung Fu" all of a sudden.
> -- considering most mortals find my kind (of the opposite sex)
>rather difficult to resist.
>
> You would have turned green with envy of the way I stalked her through
>the streets of London.
JOEL: Me?
TOM: He must be talking to you, we don't have glands to turn green with.
JOEL: "Silk Stalkings...In Color."
> I stayed about seventy-five feet from her -- I did not
>want my footsteps to alert her and the sound of the horses' hooves on the
>cobblestones would insure this.
CROW: I thought he said it was foggy.
JOEL: Continuity, people!
> As she strolled through the streets, she
>looked over her shoulder several times. As I mentioned above, Marcella's
>instincts were very sharp.
JOEL: Naaasty sharp pointy instincts.
> I loved the way her magnificent form split the
>fog, just as one's hand would effect the flight course of cigarette smoke.
TOM: I guess Marcella herself was pretty sharp.
CROW: Yeah, she was sharp, wedge-shaped and ten feet wide. Come on, you
can't see more than ten feet in that stuff!
>It was damp and quite cool after the evening's earlier rain.
>
> When she paused for a few moments to rummage through her bag for a scarf,
>I actually came within five feet of her!
JOEL: She didn't have sharp scarf-finding instincts.
TOM: Blah! I vaited for her sharrp instincts to take a coffee brrreak!
CROW: How forrrtunate. This vill simplify everyting!
> You would have been trilled to see
>my arms come slowly from my sides with a slowness that would make a sloth
>jealous and then, like a cat, I pounced on my prey!
JOEL: He licked himself and spat?
TOM: He yowled and shed tufts of fur?
CROW: Catfight! Catfight!
> My hand quickly covered
>Marcella's full, ruby lips
TOM: Ruby lips? How does she eat?
> as I dragged her into the darkness of a near-by
>park. I know you are just dripping
ALL: Ewwwwwwwww!
> with jealousy
ALL: Oh.
> because you wish you could
>be as cunning as I!
TOM: I have a cunning plan.
>
> Part of my being screamed to stop this tragedy in motion, which was
>drowned out by the hunger which possessed me.
TOM: Yeah, I would call this a tragedy.
JOEL: I would scream out to stop it, but you know I can't do that.
> -- God, I love spanish food! --
CROW: Is this supposed to be amusing in some way?
TOM: He just didn't care.
>
> Marcella's squirming form and muffled screams halted
JOEL: Her form halted?
> when I swung her
>around
TOM: And do-si-doed.
>so she could see who her abductor was. Her squirming and muffled
>screams once again commenced with a new passion, for she saw not who, but what
>her abductor was.
JOEL: He was a Kennedy.
TOM: Oooh.
> Oh, how I wish you could have seen her chestnut-brown eyes
>bulge with horror as my fangs gleamed in the moonlight! I know you wish you
>could have been there.
CROW: And You Are There.
> Part of the trill
TOM: That's twice now he's mispelled "thrill".
CROW: "Actually my name is Tricia McMillan"
> of being one of my kind is the hunt,
JOEL: For Red October
> surely you can
>understand that, but to understand what it is like to feast, you would had
>to have experienced what it is like to receive water after being stranded in
>the hot, parched desert for a week.
JOEL: Or to have finally seen the words "The End".
> I almost passed out from the ecstasy of the feeling of hot, spanish blood
>splashing against the back of my dehydrated throat. The taste of Marcella's
>blood surpassed even the finest of Amontillado!
TOM: For the love of God, Rodney! Stop this madness!
CROW: Looks like it's over.
JOEL: No, wait.
>
> -- God, I love spanish food! --
CROW: Yeah. Had to get in one last stab of tackiness.
TOM: Can we go now?
JOEL: No, you know we have to watch the .sig too.
>--
>Vampires,
CROW: How did I guess?
> Anne Rice,
JOEL: Whiner.
> Stephen King,
TOM: Gee, Steve, only three books this month. Typewriter broken?
> Chess,
> Computers, Depeche Mode, X-Men...
>That is what Rodney is made of... For all eternity...
>Internet addresses:
> rod...@wyvern.wyvern.com r...@cs.odu.edu (2nd is prefered address!)
1..2..3...4...5..6..G...
--
******************************************************************************
"Why shouldn't things be largely absurd, futile and transitory: they are so,
and we are so, and they and we go very well together." ------Santayana
Jason D. "cor...@gas.uug.arizona.edu" Corley is no longer in service.
Rodney Johnson
--
*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*
Sherlock Holmes, The Vampire Lestat, Roland: The Gunslinger, Stephen King,
Edgar Allen Poe, Anne Rice, Chess, Depeche Mode, New Order, Cyberspace,
The Uncanny X-Men, and (of course) Computers...
Jason D Corley
Rodney Johnson <rod...@wyvern.wyvern.com> wrote:
>So, do we have a lot of time on our hands, Jason?
>
>
It took me ten minutes to write...how long did you work on it, monkey boy?
Jordan D Share
Jason, I found your spoof to be hysterical. I was laughing out loud in the
cluster. (Something generally frowned upon.)
Anyway, good job.
Jordan
R. M. Dunkle
>Jason, I found your spoof to be hysterical. I was laughing out loud in the
>cluster. (Something generally frowned upon.)
>
Chocolate Peanut Clusters? My favorite!
--
* Brian A. Dunkle | rdu...@aal.itd.umich.edu <- REPLY TO HERE!! Not "engin" *
* Also available at bdu...@ccit.arizona.edu <- Where I really am, but VAX *
* Support systems analyst, Information Technologies Center, AzHSL /\ *
* Detroit Red Wings fan, stranded in the desert, Tucson, Arizona \/ *
Lord Sauron
>1...2...3...4...5...6...G...
>
>{Crow and Tom are standing at the console.
[And so forth]
You have surpassed yourself this time. Keep it up.
Regards,
Craig(DLS)
--
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|"My people have a saying. He who | |
|trusts can never be betrayed, only | |
|mistaken." | sau...@magister.apana.org.au |
| | ro...@magister.apana.org.au |
|"Life expectancy must be rather short| |
| among your people." | |
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