[MSTing] Blood and Metal (Part 1 of 9)
Shay_...@letterbox.com
Well, it's a little (read: VERY) late, but I've finally prepared my MSTing of
David Gonterman's fanfic, "Blood and Metal", for posting to the newsgroups.
Note: parts 3, 4, 5, and 6 were too long to post with Deja News, so I split
them up into 3a, 3b, and so on. Thus there are actually 13 parts instead of
9. (creepy...) This's for anyone who never checked it out on Web Site Number
9. Enjoy!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
< - - - - - - - - - - Designed for a 78-letter line size - - - - - - - - - - >
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Blood and Metal", by David Gonterman
MSTing by Shay Caron (Shay_...@letterbox.com)
Part 1 of 9
This MSTing has been rated:
SONIC for the occasional (though by no means common) appearance of one or
more Sonic the Hedgehog characters,
SELF for its author-representing main character,
and PG-13 because of occasional swearing, quite a few insults directed
toward David Gonterman (please don't sue), a story so bad gophers
could be killed with it, and gratuitous usage of the word "phrack".
Note: this fanfic has been crammed into John Berry's Mobian MSTing continuity.
To get the backstory, go to the Web Site #9 MiSTing Archive
(http://pinky.wtower.com/mst3k/mistings.shtml) and read these MSTings:
Tricks of the Trade
Orcium
Seeing Stars
Sonic the Hedgehog: Merry Christmas
Vixen in the Labyrinth
Holloween Spirits
Whew. Enough blathering. On with the deep hurting!
[ In the not too distant future... Introduction theme music (Season 8). ]
[ 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... ]
[ Intermission- Satellite of Love. We interrupt a conversation between M&TB,
already in progress. ]
CROW: And don't forget "waffle". That's a good one.
TOM: Yeah, and "France".
CROW: Oh, and "Greece".
TOM: And "Kazakstan".
BOTS: [ giggle ]
MIKE: OK, OK, slow down! [ Mike is scribbling on a piece of paper. He notices
Cambot. ] Oh, hi, everyone. Welcome to the Satellite of Love. Mike
Nelson here. We were just talking about words that are fun to say. So
far we've got... hm, smock, quark, waffle, France, Greece, and... how
do you spell that last one?
CROW: I think K-A-Z-A-K-S-T-A-N.
MIKE: [ scribble ] Got it. Any more?
CROW: Um, "panties"?
TOM: [ giggle ] And "butt cheeks"?
MIKE: Guys?
CROW: [ giggle ] And "boobs"! [ Beavis ] Heh heh heh...
TOM: [ Butthead ] Huh huh huh...
MIKE: OK, just forget it. [ He throws the paper and pencil down and leaves. ]
CROW: Hmph. Tom, write those down, would you? [ Tom looks at Crow. ] Huh? Oh,
right. I'll do it. [ Commercial Sign flashes. ] We'll be right back.
TOM: Hey! How 'bout "TP"?
CROW: [ Beavis ] Heh heh heh...
[ MST3K planet bumper. Crow and Tom are B&B laughing. Commercials ensue. ]
[ INT SOL. Mike is standing behind a big cardboard box. ]
CROW: [ From inside box ] C'mon, Mike, please let us out!
MIKE: Not until you promise to cut it out.
CROW: OK, I promise. Sheesh.
MIKE: You too, Tom.
TOM: Me too.
MIKE: That's better. [ The Mads Sign flashes. ] Oh joy, it's Yippy, Yappy, and
Yahooey. [ Mike hits the Mads Sign Signal-Thingy(tm). ] What do you
want?
[ Mobius. Pearl is the only one on screen. ]
PEARL: Oh, hey, Mike. You remember "Rangers of NIMH" and "Rangers of NIMH 2"?
[ SOL ]
TOM: Oh no! Don't tell me there's a "Rangers of NIMH 3"!!
[ Mobius ]
PEARL: Sorry, but no.
[ SOL ]
ALL: Woohoo!
[ Mobius ]
PEARL: However, I've got a work by one of the co-authors of those works, good
ol' David "Davey 'Crockett' Kintobor" Gonterman. It's a "Mary Jane"
Sonic the Hedgehog fanfic that's exactly like every other Sonic fanfic
you've ever been sent, except, in my opinion, it's worse.
[ SOL ]
MIKE: David "Davey 'Crockett' Kintobor" Gonterman?
[ Mobius ]
PEARL: You'll see.
TOM: [ off-screen ] Hey, where is everyone?
PEARL: Oh, some sort of celebration or meeting or some crap at the Power Ring
Pool. I'd've gone, but you know me-- I'm hopelessly *anti*social. Well,
enjoy a nice serving of fanfic, with DEATH!!
[ SOL ]
CROW: Oh man, not *another* one!
TOM: Where does she *find* these things?!
MIKE: foxfire.simplenet.com?
[ Crow and Tom turn to look at Mike. ]
MIKE: Just a guess.
[ The Movie Sign alarms go off. ]
ALL: Aaugh! We got Gonter-Sign!
[ 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... ]
[ Everyone enters the theater. ]
> [editor's note:
CROW: Huh?
TOM: What?
> This story was originally a web page, but I've edited it
> down,
CROW: Oh.
TOM: Well.
> removing all of the HTML tags, and the pictures.]
CROW: Oh, I've seen some of Gonterman's artwork, and believe me, I am
*thankful*!
>
> FoxFire Studios
TOM: Fox, fox, burning bright, in the forests of the night.
> presents
MIKE: Is it Christmas already?
>
> Sonic The Hedgehog
MIKE: Sega's only memorable creation.
CROW: We'll get flames for that, you know.
MIKE: Yeah, but it just had to be said.
> Blood and Metal
MIKE: Me and you guys!
CROW: Hey, yeah!
>
> A FanFict by David Gonterman
CROW: Y'know, I get the feeling he'll become the Stephen Ratliff of Sonic the
Hedgehog.
MIKE: Crow, please. It hasn't even begun.
>
> Story Book Edition
> With artwork by the author.
ALL: Not!
>
> A greeting message from the Author
CROW: Oh, joy.
>
> A collection of Notes behind the story
TOM: Wait, wha?
>
> Proceed to the Story Pages
MIKE: Hang on--
>
> Credits
TOM: Oh, I see, those used to be hypertext links.
CROW: Well, that explains it.
MIKE: Thank you for leaving those in, "editor".
>
> Sonic the Hedgehog (C)
CROW: Nintendo.
TOM: Atari.
MIKE: Sony.
> Sega
ALL: D'oh!
> of America
> All rights reserved. Characters used for
MIKE: Making a delicious clam chowder.
> FanFict purposes only
CROW: Oh, yeah, like how else are you going to use them? As Ping-Pong balls?
MIKE: Barber poles?
>
> Blood and Metal (C) 1995-6 David Gonterman.
BOTS: And he's welcome to it!!
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
CROW: It's the electric fence!
TOM: *Bzzzzt*!
>
> Greetings
BOTS: Bite Us
>
> Welcome to my first Internet Storybook, the first of many, I hope.
BOTS: Noooooooooooooooooooooo...
> Just as
> long as FTP Space can remain readily available and as long as Copyright
> Lawyers and CDA Thought Police are kept at bay.
[ pause ]
CROW: Go Copyright Lawyers!
TOM: Gooo, CDA Thought Police!
MIKE: [ to himself ] It's so early for this...
>
> Blood and Metal is the first FanFict I wrote; shortly after I got into the
> Internet via America On-Line.
CROW: Crap, an AOLer. This'll suck big time. [ A lightning bolt zaps down from
the sky and blasts Crow. ] Yeow! What was that?!
MIKE: I think the author uses AOL.
TOM: I pity him.
CROW: <cough>
> The people who read BAM loved it extremely;
MIKE: [ David ] And that has *nothing* whatsoever to do with the gun that I
held to each of their heads.
> just as much twoard the manga-style illostrations that I occasionaly
TOM: Geez, three spelling errors in one line! Is that a record of some sort?
> uploaded.
>
> I wanted to put Illustrations in my story, but I didn't know how to do it
> economically, since I am still a college student.
CROW: Oh, dear god, he *is* Ratliff!
> That was until I learned
> HTML and was able to combine my pictures with my story and put them up on
> the World Wide Web for all to see.
TOM: And spit upon.
> What was produced became the now-defunct
> Deluxe Edition.
MIKE: Deeeeee-*lux*! [ scribble ] There's a fun word to say.
>
> I wasn't quite satisfied with the Deluxe Edition. There were errors to be
> corrected, graphics that needed fixing.
TOM: Dogs that needed fixing.
> There were some parts I wanted to
> add in and move around, and lastly, I wanted the story to be packaged like a
> real book.
CROW: [ David ] But I ran out of paper, and I lost my keys, and--
MIKE: [ teacher ] No excuses, young man. Now you get over to that blackboard
and write "I will package my story like a real book" 100 times.
CROW: [ David ] Yes, teacher.
>
> This is the result; The Storybook Edition of
MIKE: Cinderella, starring Whitney Houston and Brandy Norwood.
> Sonic The Hedgehog: Blood and
> Metal. I invite you to return to the cover and bookmark it, and then return
> whenever you feel like it when you want to read a good story.
CROW: You won't be able to, of course, but you'll want to.
TOM: Apparently, this is some strange usage of the word "good" that I was not
previously aware of.
> Also feel
> free to use the hypertext links to see the many liner notes that show the
> background of the story. And basically, I hope you enjoy this as much as I
> did creating it.
MIKE: Look, guys, can we stop insulting him already?
TOM: Oh, all right.
> Who knows? Maybe I'll be enticed, er, inspired, to make
> more of these.
CROW: Hopefully, these comments will "entice" him to STOP!!
MIKE: You too.
>
> David Gonterman
> 2037 Delmar, Granite City, IL 62040
CROW: Doesn't he know better than to put his address up on the Web?
> (618)-452-9440
> email: dgont...@aol.com
> WWW: http://users.aol.com/dgonterman
TOM: Y'know, I hear he has a resume on his web page.
CROW: [ snicker ]
>
MIKE: I'm sure you both realize that all of our jokes so far have simply been
insults directed toward the author, though I've tried to dissuade you,
and that we definitely can do better.
TOM: Y'know, you're right.
CROW: Whatever.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOM: Cover me. I'm gonna make a dash for it.
>
> Credits
MIKE: Each person, place, or thing listed here bears *some* responsibility for
the rapidly approaching "Blood and Metal".
CROW: Shouldn't these be at the end?
>
> Sonic the Hedgehog: Blood and Metal
> Alpha
CROW: Five?
TOM: Ay-yi-yi!
> Story Arc, Storybook Edition
> by David D. Gonterman [dgont...@aol.com]
TOM: The extra "D" is for extra DEATH!!
MIKE: I bet his middle name's David.
CROW: David David Gonterman?
TOM: [ chuckle ]
>
> added material by
MIKE: The BeeGees!
CROW: Will Smith!
> Emily Smith [soni...@aol.com]
CROW: Close enough.
> and
> Alex Weisman [sonic...@aol.com]
TOM: Eh, bug off, Weis guy.
>
> Poem at Six Swatbot Scene
CROW: She sells seashells by the six swatbot scene.
> From Bubblegum Crisis: Grand Mal #2
> by Dark Horse Comics
MIKE: Ah, plagiarism. Fun, fun, fun.
>
> Poem at Sonic and Tails' Talk
TOM: You know, The Talk.
> From Ghost Rider 2099 #1
> by Marvel Comics
CROW: It's just mahvelous.
>
> Song at Willow Tree Scene
MIKE: The Barney theme.
> Unforgiven
> from Metallica's self-titled release
CROW: Well, what did they title themselves?
>
> Song at Funeral
> See You On The Other Side
TOM: Of DEATH!!
> from Ozzy Ozborne's release, Ozmosis
ALL: [ monotone ] Ha ha ha. It is to laugh.
>
> Sources, with WWW Addresses, where appliable:
>
> Web Page Backgrounds
>
> Cusimano Computer Consultants
CROW: Cling to Crow's coolest cliques.
TOM: The terraort... the terraort...
> .net/cusimano/lib/bkgrnd/fabrylw.htm
>
> Software Labs
> http://www.softwarelabs.com
MIKE: I believe that deserves a round of duh.
ALL: Duh.
>
> World Wide Web
CROW: Was wanting to win. Waaah!
MIKE: You're good at those.
CROW: Thanks!
> Providers and Access
>
> America On-Line
> http://www.aol.com
ALL: Duh!
>
> Netscape
> http://www.netscape.com
ALL: Duuuh!
ALL: Duuuuuh!
>
> Special Thanks to
> Paul Lapansee
MIKE: Put 'em up, ya La-pansee boy!
> [butcher
TOM: Yes, it's The Lapansee! With the ability to butcher a story left and
right!
> @iaw.on.ca]
MIKE: Ooo, "iawonca"! [ scribble ]
>
> Word Processing
CROW: Just set the blender for "Vaporize".
>
> WordPerfect for Windows v6.1, currently a product of Corel
TOM: A division of Conglomo(tm) Inc.
MIKE: Conglomo? [ scribble ]
MIKE: im
> perfect.com
>
> Graphic Editors and Design
>
> Paint Shop Pro
CROW: Painter Dave Amateur.
MIKE: [ scribble ]
>
> Adobe Illustrator and Photoshop
TOM: So they take pictures with pottery?
CROW: Oh, I get it, it's a "home" page! See? Home? Abode?
>
> Shareware Products
>
> Shareware.Com, a subsiderary of C-Net Online
TOM: Conglomo(tm): We Own You.
ALL: Duuuuuuuh!
>
> Special Thanks to:
TOM: The Stupid Citizens and Officials of Rutland, Vermont.
>
> Southern Illinois University of Edwardsville
> http://www.siue.edu
BOTS: Sooooo-eeeee!
MIKE: [ scribble ]
>
> Metro Center for Life Management
CROW: He needs help tying his shoes, let alone managing his life!
>
> And all my fans and friends on the Internet. I could list them all, but
TOM: [ David ] It'd be injurious to my ego.
> it'll take ten megs on the list itself;
ALL: [ laugh their heads off in total disbelief ]
CROW: Oh, he's listing every person who ever sent him an e-mail or responded
to one of his posts in a group or posted to a group he ever read.
> it'll be rather boring,
MIKE: Well, he got that right.
> and some
> dork might use the list for some insideous plot. So, I'll just give a big
> hearty
CROW: Juicy fart.
MIKE: Ew!
> "Phrackin'
ALL: [ snicker loudly ]
> A" to all ot you--you know who you are.
TOM: And you're ashamed of it.
> :-)
CROW: >:-P
TOM: 8-O
MIKE: |-P
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Page 1
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
MIKE: Well, here we go.
CROW: I wish we had some Peril-Sensitive Sunglasses.
TOM: They'd probably shatter.
>
> The glass tube slides down around the Roboticizer, with a young human
MIKE: Who thinks that's David in there?
CROW: Definitely him.
TOM: No, he wouldn't roboticize himself so soon.
CROW: What if he's just giving himself a robotic add-on like Bunnie?
TOM: Hmm. That's possible. Oh, and also-- FANBOY!!
MIKE: Come on, not this again!
> without a left arm
ALL: Ewww!
> seated inside. A gas mask giving nitrous oxide is
> strapped over his face.
TOM: Whoa, like, he's gettin' drugged!
> When the tube snaps into place, a heads-up display
> gives a readout over the glass:
> Subject: Davey Crockett
TOM: [ singing ] Davey, Davey Omelette, leader of the *crap* frontier!
MIKE: So he's switched from David to Davey?
CROW: Better than "His Almighty Supreme Daverino".
> Operation: Replace Left Arm
CROW: Well, I was right!
TOM: Don't get cocky, dork.
> Est. Robotization: 12%
CROW: One arm is 12% of his body? That doesn't sound quite right.
MIKE: Well, that's probably close.
TOM: Yeah, but you'd think it'd be less, what with his swelled head.
> Ready to Proceed--Press Any Key.
TOM: Where's the "any" key?! I CAN'T FIND IT!!
> A fox dressed in a military dress
TOM: J. Edgar Hoover!
> and wearing a crown stands before
> Davey, carrying a hand-held touch screen. "It appears that you haven't woke
> up from your . . . accident,
CROW: [ gangster ] When you slept wit da fishes.
> in over a month, Dave," the fox says. "It
> appears that you don't want to wake up, do you?
MIKE: Hey, y'know, it's amazing how life imitates art, and I want to sleep
through this too!
> Can't say that I blame you,
CROW: Gee, thanks!
TOM: Quite a sympathetic fox.
MIKE: I don't think he was talking to us.
> after what happened with that Piasa Bird. You saved your city, only to be
> shot at for thanks! And over something your ancestors did to boot!
TOM: I think we missed some backstory here.
CROW: Good! The less we have to read, the better!
> I can
> see why you don't want to return to your world, my friend, but maybe I can
> entice you with something more." He gave the Roboticizer the go-ahead.
MIKE: [ fox ] I'll roboticize him some delicious pancakes!
> Two robot claws sprouted out from above, one was carrying a robotic
> left arm, the other clamped down on what's left of the left shoulder.
CROW: Ooh, kinky!
MIKE: Crow...
> Blue lightning courses through Davey's body, causing his eyes and head
> to twitch. It was as is he was having a nightmare.
CROW: And we is having a nightmare too. What a coincidence that are.
> When the claws snapped
> the robot arm into place, Davey's eyes snapped open.
TOM: Buh-link!
> He found himself seated inside a tube that was now rising into the
> ceiling. On the outside stood a regally dressed fox. "Welcome back to the
> land of the living, Mr. Crockett.
MIKE: [ fox ] Hopefully, your visit here will be short, if you know what I
mean.
> Don't be alarmed. You just got your arm
> back, although it's a robotic one. No hard feelings?"
> Davey looks to his left. Where a bleeding stump over a grossly removed
> left arm was
ALL: Ewwww!!
> is now a gleaming metal tube, hinged at the middle. At the
> shoulder, a grooved ball connects the arm to the shoulder, which has a
> grafting of flesh and metal. At the far end was a fully articulate hand.
> Davey spent some time trying it out before he gave his verdict:
MIKE: [ makes the OK sign ] It stinks!
> "Groovy!"
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> The fox introduces himself as King Acorn,
TOM: A fox named "Acorn"? Sheesh, there's probably a rabbit around here who
goes by "Incisor"!
> monarch of a planet known as
> Mobius. "You've probably heard of a game called 'Sonic the Hedgehog,'
> haven't you, Davey?"
MIKE: [ Davey ] Uh... no?
> "I've played and beaten all the games, sir. I've even seen the comic
> book and both cartoon shows."
TOM: Hey, he sounds like you, Crow!
CROW: Take that back!!
> "Good, then all this will be review for you. Allow me to use your arm
> for a moment, please."
BOTS: Umm...
> King Acorn pushed a few buttons on Davey's robotic forearm and a
> holographic projector popped up.
BOTS: Phew.
> "What you were in when you came to was the original design of the
> infamous Roboticizer. It was built by one of our inventors named Charles
> Hedgehog for needs like your own: Limb replacements, birth defect removals,
CROW: Sex changes...
TOM: Species changes, more likely.
> medical repairs, and so on. The Roboticizer was celebrated as our greatest
> advancement in Mobian science, and it earned Charles his knighthood. But
> that was before . . ."
MIKE: Bob Barker.
> "That was before
MIKE: Michael Jackson.
> Doctor Ivo Robotnik."
> "You're a quick study, young man. I knew Doctor Robotnik before
TOM: We started dressing up in girls' clothing.
> as
> Julian, the captain of our robotic guard, or Swatbots as we call them, until
> he staged a military coup over me. He threw me into a dimensional portal to
> God knows where--
CROW: [ King Acorn ] Albuquerque, I believe.
TOM: [ King Acorn ] There was this gray rabbit...
MIKE: [ scribble ]
> I eventually ended up in your world--started to turn
> Mobius' citizens into robotic slaves with the Roboticizer, make more
> pollution in his time as dictator than your entire history put together . .
> . well, you know the rest."
TOM: [ King Acorn ] Or not. What do I care?
> "Including the fact that there is an underground freedom force on your
> planet led by your daughter, Princess Sally. That team includes Sonic the
> Hedgehog . . ."
> "The fastest mammal on two legs and Sega's multimedia starlet.
TOM: Hang on, who's talking here?
CROW: I think King Acorn.
TOM: Well, how the hell does he know anything about Sega?!
MIKE: Don't try to apply logic; you'll only make it hurt worse.
> I know.
> Now you know how I got into your world in general and your life in
> particular. Now I'm going to tell you why?"
MIKE: [ Davey ] Beats me. I'm not you.
> "I was hoping you would. It's not every day someone gets tapped on the
> shoulder by a talking fox."
ALL: Wah-wah-waaaahhh...
> "Humph.
CROW: [ King Acorn ] Bite me.
> I have compiled a package in computer data to my daughter in
> Knothole. It contains information vital in her mission to overthrow
> Robotnik and restore freedom to my home.
TOM: [ King Acorn ] And my recipe for finger sandwiches.
> All I need is a messenger to take
> it to her. I cannot do this myself, because of the nature of the portal I
> came through causes my body to crystallize when I return.
MIKE: Blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah babble babble, blah blah.
> I need someone
> who is not affected by what I call 'The Void' to go there for me."
TOM: [ Davey ] That's nice. Hope you find one.
> "And what you found was me.
CROW: [ King Acorn ] Well, yeah, you do suck, but you're the best I could
find. Pathetic, eh?
> Well, it's not that I've got any plans for
> the rest of my life, up to the point that I got my left arm back. I'll do
> it."
> "Good. I was hoping you would."
MIKE: Is there an echo in here?
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> "I have uploaded my letter into a computer terminal encased in your
> robotic forearm," King Acorn told Davey, as they stood before a wireframe
> pyramid. "It also includes a secret map that will lead you to Knothole, the
> village where Princess Sally's freedom fighters reside in.
CROW: Geez, he's pretty trusting! Davey could be, like, Robotnik's son or
something!
> Here, take my
> ring. It will let Sally know that it was I who sent you."
MIKE: Is there an echo in here?
> "Yes, Sir," Davey said as he slipped the ring into his human hand.
TOM: The one that he kept on a leash and took for walks every day?
MIKE: No.
> "However, I must warn you that the void may affect you in the same
> manner that affects me; I can take you there, but I cannot guarantee that
> you could return to your own."
CROW: So he'll be stuck on a planet far from Earth.
[ very short pause ]
TOM: Go for it, Davey!
CROW: Yeah! Deliver that message!
> "That's okay, Sir. You can probably guess that I'm not too fond of
> this planet. It has advanced technology and some of the people are somewhat
> enlightened, and you might consider yourself honored to be able to get over
> here. But I ran smack dab into the darker side of humanity and paid for it
> out of my own hide."
ALL: 5 bucks!
> "I'll let you know that I would not allow what happened to you in my
> home planet. No matter what your ancestors did long ago, it should not be
> that you have to pay for their crimes."
TOM: [ King Acorn ] Of course, you'll be paying for writing this fanfic in
spades.
CROW: Now *that's* a crime.
> "True. However, there are some cultures on this planet that are so
> caught up in their bitter past that their own rage has blinded them to the
> innocence of the children of their ancient tormentors today.
MIKE: That was a truly freaky sentence.
TOM: I count ten words that begin with T-H.
> For them, am I
> the face of the world in which they want to live in? A world where every
> atrocity is met by another? Where justice and equality is decided by who is
> more hate-filled--who is more morally bankrupt-- than the other?
TOM: [ Butthead ] Uhh... I dunno.
> Your
> Majesty, I do not want to be the face of their future."
> "I understand, son. Allow me to show you a brighter path than the one
> you see before you. Maybe it will be a healing experience to you as well."
> King Acorn flipped a switch on the pyramid.
CROW: Wait, what pyramid? There's a pyramid?
MIKE: They mentioned it after the last dash line.
> The pyramid sprang to life with a deafening hum.
MIKE: Aah! I'm deafened!
TOM: Didn't it know the words?
MIKE: What?
> A black and white
> swirl formed in the middle. "Behold, Davey Crockett, The Void.
ALL: *Dah* dah DAAAAAHH!!!
> The gateway
> to the planet Mobius. I have programmed this portal to exit as close to
> Knothole as possible, but I am not sure about exactly where you'll end up."
TOM: Hopefully Robotropolis.
> "I understand, King Acorn. I'm ready." Davey shook King Acorn's hand
> for one final time. "Good luck, my son,
TOM: [ Davey ] King Acorn... you are my father.
CROW: [ King Acorn ] NOOOOOOO!!!
> and God speed."
> With that Davey turned toward the hypnotic swirl and leapt into it.
MIKE: I-will-leap-into-the-swirl-it-is-much-better-than-Cats.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Page 2
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
ALL: Electric Boogaloo!
>
> The next thing Davey Crockett knew, he was slammed against a metal
> wall, knocking his wind out for a moment. Next he heard the thump-thump
> thump of
MIKE: The audience's heart palpitations.
> a toe tapping. He looked up to find a blue hedgehog above him.
> "Well?"
> Davey recognized him immediately. "You must be Sonic."
TOM: [ Groucho Marx ] Or I must be crazy.
> "That's who I am, but who on Mobius are you?"
> Just then a girl squirrel sped around a corner and into the scene.
ALL: Splat!!
> "Sonic, who's this guy."
CROW: [ Sally ] Is he Question Mark Destroying Man.
> "That's what I wanna know, Sal. The void just appeared outta nowhere
> and spewed him out. It's gone now, by the way."
> "Sal?" Davey asked, "as in Princess Sally Acorn?"
CROW: Hey, wait, if she's a squirrel, and her dad's a fox, then WHAT'S GOING
ON?
> "Yes, I am," the squirrel said.
MIKE: Who wants ta know?
> "Great. That makes my job that much easier." Davey got up. "My names
CROW: [ Davey ] I have 17 names. Wanna hear them all?
> Davey Crockett. I bring a message from your father, King Acorn." He holds
> up his right hand.
> Sally's face lights up when she sees her father's ring. After a
> moment, she looked at Davey. "You're coming with us."
TOM: I count one, two, three tense changes in those two paragraphs.
> "Hey, waitaminute Sally! Look at his left arm--It's
MIKE: [ Sonic ] All green and moldy! Yuck!
> roboticized!! For
> all we know, Ro-butt-nik's found the fountain of youth--"
> "HEDGEHOG AND SQUIRREL--PRIORITY
TOM: [ robot? ] SEVENTEEN. LET'S GO GET A BEER INSTEAD.
> ONE"
> Several Swat-Bots entered the scene.
CROW: [ yeah, robot ] ALMS, ALMS FOR THE BOTS?
> "Wanna bet?" Davey said as he grabbed Sally and booked out of the
> corridor while Sonic dived into the Swats.
> "Quick, Davey, in here," Sally said, pointing to a storage room. Davey
> went in and locked the door behind him.
TOM: What about Sonic and Sally?
MIKE: Forget them, Davey G's the hero of *this* story!
> Sally looked around and found some computer chips that she came to
> Robotoplis
MIKE: He can't even spell Robotropolis?
TOM: Hey, I was right!
> for.
CROW: [ Sally ] Dah dee dah, [ whistle ] la la la--hey, look! Some computer
chips! Uh, just what I was looking for!
> ("Robotoplis?"
MIKE: [ Davey ] Oh my god, I can't spell worth beans!
> Davey cried as he found out where he was.
> "Sire, your aim on your void sucks!")
CROW: So, King Acorn misses the toilet when he's voiding himself.
MIKE: Crow! Yuck!
> Davey found a jetpack to strap to his
CROW: [ Beavis ] Thingy. Heh heh heh.
> belt and a shotgun.
> An English-accented voice came from just outside. "Come on out,
> Princess. I know you're in there." It was Snivley,
ALL: THAT'S SNIVELY!!
> and someone else in a
> struggle. "I've got your boyfriend, Sonic,
CROW: Sonic has a boyfriend?
> and now I've come for you."
> Suddenly, the door blew away, smashing into the Swat that was holding
> Sonic, removing the arm with the hedgehog. Five seconds later, Snively got
> a good look at a gun toting Davey Crockett.
MIKE: That's a crock of crap.
> "What about me, Dipstick?"
TOM: [ Snively ] I can't kill him! He's a personification of the author!
> Davey fired on the remaining Swats, downing them all in a barrage of robot
> body parts and motor oil in so many seconds. Before anyone knew it, the
> hallway was littered with mechanical limbs and sparking wires, and the walls
> got a fresh coat of crude.
BOTS: AAAAAAUGH!!
MIKE: Um... there, there.
> Sally got out of the shock of the sudden storm of violence to go to
> Sonic. "I can't believe you got caught."
> "Sally, Snively's got a robot version of myself! He's just as fast as
> I am!"
CROW: Why's he surprised? They met in Sonic CD!
TOM: [ murmured ] fanboy.
> "Correct you are, hedgehog! Mecha Sonic, Get those three!"
> "As you wish boss," said a mechanic version of Sonic's voice
TOM: A voice with a visible butt crack?
MIKE: That's plumbers, not mechanics.
> from the
> darkness, large red and black eyes glowed ominously.
> "Let's get outta here!" Sally cried as she and Sonic sped away--at an
> equally high speed!
CROW: Seven.
MIKE: Seven what?
CROW: Just seven.
> Davey followed the best he can with his jetpacks.
> "Princess, how in the heck can you run this fast?"
> "It's a long story. I'd tell you, but right now isn't the time. And
> Davey, please, call me
TOM: [ Sally ] Fat. It helps me stick to my New Year's resolution.
> 'Sally'."
> "All right, Sally. Let's get you back to Knothole so we can swap some
> files, Okay?"
MIKE: [ Dave ] And then we can have a slumber party! We'll invite Shirley, and
Mary, and we'll eat bon-bons.
> The trio screeched to a stop just outside the building fifty Swats
> encircled around them.
TOM: Ack! Does that sentence need a period, a period and a comma, or a comma
and a period?
MIKE: Multiple choice!
CROW: Ah yes, it's Fill-In-the-Punctuation-Blank.
> "I've got the back," Davey shouted. "Can you two
> handle them?"
> "No sweat, Davey Crockett," Sonic replied. "C'mon, Sal, it's double
> ring time!"
BOTS: Wonder Twin powers, activate!
> Davey stood straight arrow in front of the dark corridor, aiming his
> shotgun directly at the red eyes rapidly approaching.
TOM: Hey, he must be in that one Earthworm Jim level. Remember that?
MIKE: Yeah.
CROW: [ nod ]
> "All right, pal,
> what's on your mind?"
TOM: [ Brak ] I like cheese. How many times does 17 go into 945? I need some
Visine. Why is the sky brown? Do they ever sell pu-pu-pu-pu platters?
My feet hurt. Is that a fish I smell? I like lemons. Hey, is that Elvis?
MIKE: [ Space Ghost ] Are you finished?
> Sonic and Sally held up the power ring, which makes them and the ground
> around them glow golden fire. "I d-d-don't t-t-think I-I-I c-c-can get used
> t-t-to t-t-this, Sonic-c-c . . . "
TOM: [ low voice ] We've replaced Sonic's girlfriend with Porky Pig... let's
see if he notices a difference.
> "Don't worry Sal, it took me six months to get used to power rings.
> You've only been jucin'
MIKE: This fanfic was *not* brought to you by the letter I.
> for two whole weeks . . . Get ready . . . "Sonic's
> voice was drowned by the glow going nova.
CROW: Uh, his voice was drowned out by bright light?
> It brightly illuminated Davey's
> current target before he got into point-blank range. Mecha Sonic looks
> exactly like Sonic would look roboticized, Davey thought, and then he pulled
> the trigger. Mecha Sonic was thrown back into the dark hallway almost as
> fast as he came in.
TOM: [ totally unexpectedly ] SILLY BREAK!!
> That was the rifle's last
CROW: Sausage!
> round, so Davey
TOM: Blew his nose on it!
> threw it at the next
MIKE: Spice girl!
> Swat he
CROW: Stuck up his nose!
> saw; this one was riding a
TOM: Gigantic frog!
> hover cycle. He
MIKE: Fell down and hurt himself!
> jacked the
CROW: Apple tree!
> bike, grabbed another
TOM: Nose!
> gun from the next nearest
MIKE: Miss America!
> Swat and charged
ALL: SO TAKE AWAY HIS CREDIT CARD!!
> into the
CROW: Wall!
> fray Sonic and Sally was
ALL: [ snicker ]
> in. Robots were still
TOM: Purple!
> flying everywhere, although
MIKE: I didn't care!
> the flying oilshed was at
CROW: France!
> a minimum, until he started
TOM: Spitting up!
> shooting at
MIKE: His pants!
> the poor robots who got too close.
TOM: OK, silly break's over.
> "Anyone around here needs a ride outta here?"
TOM: Hey, I said the silly break was over!
MIKE: Now that was an action scene worthy of Marrissa Flores Picard.
> "I do!" Sally cried as she hopped on, her boots were smoking.
MIKE: Won't they ever kick the habit? [ chuckle ]
> "You all right?"
> "OwOwOw! Hot Feet!
CROW: [ Davey ] Perhaps the flaming torch wasn't subtle enough.
> How can Sonic handle it?"
> "Must be the shoes, I guess?"
MIKE: Air Hedgehogs.
CROW: That's where the question mark from Sally's question went.
> Sally slaps herself.
TOM: [ Sally ] Fresh!
> "Arrgh! I just remembered, I've got new boots at
> Minoc Grove! I should've waited."
ALL: Wah-wah-waaaahhh...
> "Hard to wait when you're up to your eyeballs in Swats." David shoots
> down another.
BOTS: [ sob ]
> "Or in Swat parts. Just remember to watch your aim on that thing, you
> could hit a friend of mine."
> Davey slaps himself.
TOM: [ Davey ] Fresh!
MIKE: [ singing ] Oh yeah, oh yeah, whole lotta slapping goin' on!
> "Oh crud, I forgot! Some of these 'bots is
ALL: [ snicker ]
> actually roboticized Mobians!"
> "No, not here. This is a Swatbot factory. You'll know a Worker Bot
> when you see one; they'll look so cute you'll like to hug one."
> "I'll stick with fur, thank you. So, make a personal note: Don't go,
CROW: No, please *do* go!
> 'Kill 'em all, let Robotnik sort them out!'"
> "C'mon," Sonic stopped just enough to say, "Let's go!"
> Davey did a hoverbike's version of
TOM: "Some stupid maneuver".
> a peel-out and sped towards the main
> gate leading outside. It was closed tight and had several Swats standing
> guard.
> "Sonic, the ring--PASS IT!" Sonic threw it like a frisbee without
> thinking beforehand, as usual.
TOM: So Sonic is a moron?
MIKE: Of course. He can't compare to the all powerful Davey.
> When Davey caught it, he accelerated full
> throttle on a collision course toward that gate.
> "Davey, you don't have to do this to impress me."
CROW: Into bondage?
MIKE: Crow!
> "All I'm asking, Princess, is if you got any fingers left, I suggest
> you close them."
> "Oh, boy." Sally grabbed on tight to Davey's pants.
CROW: Ewww, even I don't like that line.
> At this point, Sonic's brain caught up with the rest of him. "Hey!
> That ring won't work on you!"
> Davey leaned over the bars and held the power ring forward. It sparked
> to life, shooting star-fire toward the gate like a roman candle.
TOM: Isn't "Roman" capitalized?
CROW: Why ask why?
> "Never mind."
> The main gate exploded by the blasts, blowing shards of steel into the
> Swats guarding it. They could only twitch and bleed oil
BOTS: [ sob, choke ]
> as they got a good
> look at the newest and by far the deadliest Freedom Fighter
ALL: [ snort derisively ]
> rode past, only
> pausing enough to splatter one more into oblivion.
>
BOTS: [ sob ]
MIKE: Hey, guys, don't be so sad. How about we go get some ice cream?
BOTS: Yaaaay!!
MIKE: That's the spirit.
[ Everyone leaves the theater. ]
[ MST3K planet bumper. Commercials ensue. ]
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of part 1 of 9
Shay Caron (Shay_...@letterbox.com
-or-
glee...@aol.com)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----== Posted via Deja News, The Leader in Internet Discussion ==-----
http://www.dejanews.com/ Now offering spam-free web-based newsreading