ancient torture techniques
Steve Brinich
looks just like his own head.
Crow: Whatya doing?
Tom: I'm just.... polishing up a fishbowl. I thought it'd look good
here by the hexscreen (he moves over to the hexscreen and
places the bowl, opening up, just under the hexscreen).
What do you think?
Crow: I think that's silly. First of all, there's no place to put a
fishbowl there. Besides which, we don't have any fish here
to put in a bowl.
(Mike enters from stage right)
Mike: Are you two arguing again?
(Light flashes to indicate an incoming call from the Mads)
Mike: Never mind; let's see what they want this time. (taps button)
SCENE: Deep 13. Dr. Forrester is holding a cheap-looking mask resembling
his own face.
Dr. F: Hello, Matt.
Mike: That's 'Mike'.
Dr. F: Whatever. Anyway, it's time for your Invention Exchange, unless
you need more time to set it up and want me to go first--
Mike: Well, actually no--
Dr. F: OK, I'll go first. Of course, a mad scientist in my position has
his share of enemies, and some of them are a bit too tough to
be beaten off directly. The next best thing is misdirection:
getting them to vent their frustrations on something more...
what's the word... 'expendable'. (Turns toward stage left)
Oh, Frank!
(Frank enters from stage left)
Dr. F: I need you to model this (hands Frank the mask)
(Frank puts on Dr. F mask)
Dr. F: As you can see, the perfect decoy to cover my escape if things
ever get too hot to handle. And now, your turn.
(Mike holds a telephone with several types of bells, horns, and other
noisemakers attached to it.)
Mike: You're finished, then?
Dr. F: That's what I just _said_.
Frank: How long do I have to wear this?
Dr. F: (To Frank) Until I tell you to stop! (To Mike) Well??
Mike: We all know about Caller ID, but it has one big problem: you don't
see the caller's ID until you get close enough to read that little
display window. My invention is a Caller ID Ringer that lets
you know whether the call is worth picking up without even having
to get out of the bathtub.
(Cash register bell rings)
Mike: See, that tells you it's one of those calls from somebody asking
you for money.
(Bugle call of 'Reveille' sounds)
Mike: That tells you it's an Army recruiter calling.
(Foghorn sounds)
Mike: That means it's your boss on the line.
(Poofter pops out of phone, with sound)
Mike: That means a call on the party line.
Dr. F: Yes, yes, I'm sure you've got a million of them, but that's all
the time we have for the Invention Exchange. Now, for your
experiment, I have a special treat. (grins evilly) You remember
L. Detweiler, alias R. Boxx, alias about a dozen other names
I can't be bothered to keep track of?
Crow: I have a bad feeling about this....
Dr. F: Well, we have a rare treat: a post from him under his very own
name (as far as we know). Boy, are you in for some deep
hurting this time!
(Movie alarm goes off)
6....5....4....3....2....1....G
>talk.politics.crypto #1834 (1 + 6 more) | |-<1>
>Newsgroups: talk.politics.crypto,alt.privacy, | |-<1>
>+ comp.org.eff.talk | \-[2]--[2]
>From: ld23...@keller.lance.colostate.edu (L. |-<1>
>+ Detweiler) |-<1>
>[2] ancient torture techniques \-<1>
>Date: Fri Dec 31 04:07:35 EST 1993
>Organization: Colorado State University, Fort Collins, CO 80523
>X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 021193BETA PL3]
>Followup-To: talk.politics.crypto,alt.privacy,comp.org.eff.talk
>Lines: 98
>
(Mike and Crow enter theater)
Mike: Where's Tom Servo?
>Geoff Dale (pl...@netcom.com) wrote:
>
>: > Congratulations! If you repeat anything frequently enough,
>: > people begin to believe it.
Crow: Repeat?? Isn't once bad enough?
>: That seems to be your strategy. It doesn't work when you so consistantly
>: undermine your credability with rants, tho.
>: So stop posting and this little bit of net.history will soon be forgotten.
(Tom Servo enters theater)
Crow: What took you so long?
Tom: I had to finish with the... fishbowl.
> Hello world, I am not proud of everything I have posted `out there' lately,
Crow: And you have so much to be not proud about!
>but I am even less proud of the ugly depths and grotesque deformities
Tom: Of my terrible secret past.
>I have seen in certain black corners of the Internet lately
Crow: Hey! That's "African-American corners of the Internet"!
> and the
>apalling complacency with which you all view it. The skeletons
>have not only fallen out the the closet,
Mike: They had a falling out, and outed each other, and are now out of
the closet.
> they have danced around us and
>punched us all in the face.
Crow: (Muhammad Ali voice) Dance like a butterfly, sting like a bee.
> My own letters on the subject are an attempt to
>shock you from your silent complacency and `accessorizing'.
Tom: With out lovely line of spring accessories for 1994.
> What happens when trust breaks down?
Crow: (German accent) It decayz into a migzture of Uranium 235 and
Plutonium 238. Very hazzardousz zubsztanzes.
> What happens when people respond
>to their own posts?
Tom: They're schizo?
Mike: Maybe they're just absent-minded.
> When they misattribute writing?
Crow: OK, so they're absent-minded AND schizo.
> When they don't care
>who is behind email addresses,
Tom: Schizo, absent-minded, and now apathetic.
Mike: This is getting hard to keep track of.
> or deceive others about them?
Crow: Schizo, absent-minded, apathetic, and dishonest....
Mike: Is somebody writing this down?
Crow: Hey, you're the only one here with fully functional arms!
Mike: (takes notepad and pencil from a pocket)
> When they
>post multiple messages from different addresses?
Crow: As we come full circle back to schizo.
> Imagine that every one of my posts came from a different address.
Tom: Not hard in this guy's case.
>What is to prevent me? My honesty? My integrity?
All: NAAAAAH!
> What if I am a
>cyberanarchist?
Mike: (jotting something on a notepad) How do you spell that?
Tom & Crow: (turn to look at Mike)
Mike: (tosses notebook and pencil into the air)
> Would I be horrified or delighted at these embezzlements
>of trust?
Tom: He doesn't know how he'd react to his own actions?
Crow: Jeez, enough already with the "schizo"?
> By the squirming and writhing of my victims underneath my
>crushing onslaught?
Mike: Hey! I didn't think the Mads were sending us that kind of movies!
* * *
> I was reading a book about ancient torture techniques.
Tom: Like these posts.
> (Actually, it was
>about something else, but some paragraphs on the subject crept in from
>obvious relevance.)
Mike: Obvious to _you_, maybe.
> The Roman soldiers had invented some of the most grisly torture and execution
>techniques the world has ever seen, perhaps the most humiliating and heinous
>punishments known to man.
Crow: Throw Sandy Frank to the Romans!
Tom: Lippert, too!
> One that I was reading about was called
>`Circle of Eight'.
Crow: (pirate voice) Arrrgh, mateys! I have a sack of doubloons and Circles
of Eight.
Mike: I think that's PIECES of Eight.
Crow: Whatever.
> A blindfolded prisoner stands as Roman soldiers
>(enthusiastic volunteers?) circle him and take turns punching him in the
>face.
Mike: I think his verb tenses are about two thousand years off.
> They take the blindfold off, and ask him, who hit you?
Tom: The guy with the brass knuckles?
> And if the
>prisoner fails to name the person, the game continues, they dance in their
>delight, circling at a faster, more dizzying rate, and pummel harder.
Tom: On the other hand, if he _does_ correctly name the person, he wins
a new 94 B.C. chariot and a year's supply of Rice-a-Roni.
>What is the point of all this?
Mike: I was hoping you'd tell _us_!
> I don't have a major point,
Crow: Imagine my surprise.
> except to
>suggest that this is one of the most evil abominations of humanity I can
>imagine. And that it is shockingly identical to the mentality that a
>cyberanarchist has in hammering others with his fake email identity
>arsenals.
Tom: You can send an arsenal through email?
Crow: What will they think of next?
>Medusa is delighted to punch the blindfolded victim in the face with
>her dizzying circle of tentacles.
Tom: Punched with a circle of tentacles??
> Guess who it is!
Crow: You already _said_ it was Medusa! The tentacles are a dead giveaway.
> Ooops, you're wrong,
>sorry.
Crow: _I'm_ wrong?? I'm just going by what you just said!
> PUNCH. What? No, N.Szabo is a real person. PUNCH. Pseudospoofing
>is immoral? nah. PUNCH. N.Szabo is my roommate. PUNCH. Lies are
>liberating. PUNCH. cypherpunks have never pseudospoofed. PUNCH.
>especially the leaders. PUNCH. and everything in the media is true.
>PUNCH. especially what we say. PUNCH. and our leaders are the
>greatest of all. PUNCH.
Tom: Stop it! The pain! The pain!
>See the blood dripping on the ground, see the hideous disfigurement of
>the victim's face.
Tom: (head explodes)
(Mike and Crow exit hastily, Mike carrying Tom)
SCENE: Satellite of Love. Mike places Tom on a table and begins
looking around frantically.
Mike: Crow! Quick! Help me find a spare head for Tom Servo! We don't
have much time!
Crow: (exits stage left)
(A second Tom Servo enters from stage right)
Mike: Tom Servo! Quick! Help me find a spare head for Tom Servo!
(Mike stops and does a double-take)
Mike: What?!? But you're there (points to Tom Servo on table) with your
head blown apart from illogic overload or something....
Tom: (chuckles) Oh, that! That's just one of the alter egos I use
when I need a break from the Mads' experiments.
(Light flashes to indicate an incoming call from the Mads)
Tom: Quick! Get that out of here! I don't want them to find out....
(Mike pushes the remains of the other Tom Servo out of sight under the
table.)
SCENE: Deep 13. Frank is still wearing the Dr. Forrester mask. Dr. F
is wearing an equally cheesy-looking Frank mask.
Frank: Well?
Mike: Frank? Are you still wearing that silly mask?
(Dr. F rips off his own mask, then Frank's. Frank clutches his nose,
which was pinched by Dr. F's grab).
Dr. F: Oh, stop whining and push the button!
(Frank keeps both hands on his nose and fumbles for the button with his
elbows, hitting it after several tries).
\ | / Mystery Sceince Theater 3000 and associated characters
\ | / are the property of Best Brains, Inc. and used here for
\|/ satirical purposes only.
----O----
/|\ This post is not meant as a personal attack upon
/ | \ the original author (but rather as an impersonal
/ | \ attack upon his ideas and level of logical argument).
randy_antler
Brinich) writes:
: SCENE: Satellite of Love. Tom Servo is polishing a glass globe that
:looks just like his own head.
: \ | / Mystery Sceince Theater 3000 and associated
characters
: \ | / are the property of Best Brains, Inc. and used
here for
: \|/ satirical purposes only.
: ----O----
: /|\ This post is not meant as a personal attack upon
: / | \ the original author (but rather as an impersonal
: / | \ attack upon his ideas and level of logical
argument).
That was _really_ funny!
At first I was going to write that net.personalities like L.Detweiler make
me wonder why I bother to spend so much time even reading stuff on usenet.
But after reading your "rebuttal" I was rewarded with a humorous treatise.
I was LOL many times. Keep up the good work!