MSTed: GERMAN FINGER IN THE YUGOSLAVIAN CRISIS
sl...@cc.usu.edu
show it for the ridiculous thing that it is. Apologies to the offended]
*...6...5...4...3...2...1
> GERMAN FINGER IN THE YUGOSLAV CRISIS
MIKE: You got your finger in my crisis!
CROW: You got your crisis on my finger!
TOM: I just have a feeling we're all going to want to give the poster the
finger.
> (By Ernestina Hernandez Solano)
> ("Uno Mas Uno", Mexico City, November 1993)
CROW: That's spanish for "One Mass One"
TOM: Well that's...huh?
> Those who believed that the defeat in two world wars diminished Germany's
> expansionist ambitions were certainly wrong. Germans need, more than ever
> before,
MIKE: And they express their need in many ways...
> territories and they wish to expand their influence and get an important role
> on the world political scene.
CROW: After getting an important role, they'd like to direct.
> The difference between the Nazi aggression in the past and the present
> new thrust of Germany
TOM: Thrust? Hey...
MIKE: Don't even comment on it...
> is in methods. Germans are now trying not to get their hands dirty
CROW: I can see the specks!!! Get 'em off!!!
> and are using their stooges to realize their plans for the establishment of
> the so-called protectorate of the Reich.
MIKE(Moe): Okay, knuckleheads, we're gonna expand the reich...
CROW & TOM: Woopwoopwoopwoopwoopwoopwoopwoopwoop!!
> This means that they want to turn Central Europe into a conglomerate of
> statelets
TOM: Are those something like Chicklets?
> completely dependent on Bonn. "Germans are for us what Americans are for
> you", said Mrs. Zorica Bastic, press attache in the Yugoslav Embassy in
> Mexico.
MIKE: And Gambians are for us what Samoans are for you.
> "Germans wish to dominate the Balkans. So, they have formed six or eight
> statelets in the Balkans which cannot survive politically. These countries
> will depend on German capital and will be turned into puppets of this big
> European power..."
CROW: Notice how they cut off her quote before she really started going nuts.
> Why should they look for something in remote Asia or Africa when they can
> find it in Europe itself? In other words, America for the United States, Asia
> for Japan and Europe for Germany.
TOM: Hollywood for Barry Diller!
MIKE: Atlantis for Kathy Ireland!
CROW: The NBA for the Timberwolves!
MIKE & TOM: Huh?
> Accordingly, Yugoslavia's disintegration came as if ordered for the strategic
> goals of Helmut Kohl's government.
TOM(Helmut Kohl): I vant a dangerous var fought close to our borders.
> However, Serbia's position is an obstacle since it has not allowed the
> realization of expansionist goals of the New Reich until now.
CROW: Everywhere those dang Nazis turn...Serbia stops them.
> Precisely because of these expansionist ambitions, Germany incited the
> peoples of the former Yugoslavia to war. It planned all well and has already
> begun to collect first dividends:
MIKE(Mr. Burns): A bright, shiny penny.
> while the Balkan peoples continue to fight each other, Germans have already
> purchased 30 per cent of all plants
TOM: I want all the ferns you've got.
> in Slovenia and the Czech Republic and expand their political and economic
> influence to Baltic countries.
MIKE: Wait a second. Now Czechoslovakia and the Baltics are in Yugoslavia?
CROW: Yeah, I think Yugoslavia annexed South Dakota too, so they could protect
Wall Drug from the Germans.
> Germany also got access to the port of Kopar in Slovenia. thus, German
> ships no longer have to pass through Gibraltar
TOM: I bet Gibraltar has a tough time passing those German Ships.
CROW: Oh, gross!
> and all internal German trade is carried out between the Baltic and Adriatic
> sea.
CROW: So Germany took over other countries for _internal_ trade?
MIKE: As soon as they were inside Germany, I guess...
> In addition, Germans own the greatest part of the Croatian hotel industry on
> the Adriatic coast. They have bought from Zagreb many islands and beaches in
> exchange for arms.
MIKE: I wonder if Oliver North realized that instead of trying to free
hostages, he could have bought himself a nice beach in Croatia.
> Germany has, thus, conquered a strategically significant territory and uses
> its tourist advantages.
CROW: Ve vill capture za hotels, und zen ve vill rule za vorld!
> Yugoslavia's disintegration means the realization of the old dream of
> Germany which it was not able to realize in two previous world wars:
TOM: Declare war only against little countries?
> the creation of a political and economic axis in central Europe. However,
> Kohl's ambitions do not stop at conquering only a part of the Adriatic sea.
TOM: He also wants to eat the entire stock of a Baskin-Robbins.
> The strengthening of his relations with Hungary
CROW: Hungary, huh? Maybe he should have some goulash... hehehe...
MIKE: Don't you ever say that again.
> is aimed at gaining control over the Danube. However, this has not been
> achieved because of the resistance of Serbs.
MIKE: Who live in the ubserbs.
CROW: Oh, who's creating stupid puns now?
> Because of its mistrust in Germans based on the holocaust during World
> War Two, Israel has avidly followed the events in Bosnia-Herzegovina.
TOM: Israel is _stalking_ Germany?
> The Institute For The Defence Of The West, with its headquarters in Jerusalem,
> devoted great attention to an article by Alfred Sherman
CROW: Because it was a really slow day. Hardly anyone was attacking the West.
> on the events in the former Yugoslavia. Sherman can certainly not be said to
> be a progressive, even less a communist,
MIKE: Not even a brine shrimp,
> desirous of defending Belgrade. On the contrary, he is a British conservative
> who was Margaret Thatcher's adviser during her reign.
MIKE: Oh, was Margaret drizzling or pouring?
TOM: One more lame pun, Mike, and we're going to have to kill you.
> Sherman and some Israeli quarters
MIKE: Do they use those in Israeli video games?
> have researched the events in Bosnia. They are all agreed in their suspicion
> of Germany, the country which lost two world wars this century and dragged
> Europe into the inferno of death, suffering and pogrom of the Jewish people.
TOM: These Israeli researchers are, of course, unbiased.
> They discovered that, through the EC and UN, Germany incited conflicts in the
> former Yugoslavia in order to eliminate the last traces of the Versailles
> treaty
CROW: Okay, here's the plan. We'll distract them with a war in Yugoslavia, and
when they aren't looking, we burn the treaty of Versailles...
> ...like in 1914 and 1941, its direct goal was to neutralize Serbs and create a
> number of statelets under the protectorate of the Reich.
TOM: Yes, we all remember Hitler's ultimate plan...take over Yugoslavia!!!
> In the mid-1980s, it became evident that the blind alley in which the Yugoslav
> socialist dictatorship found itself would cause centrifugal ethnically-based
> tendencies.
CROW: Whoa! That weird mixed metaphor is making me dizzy...
> It was also clear that the division of Yugoslavia into five, six or seven
> satellite statelets
ALL: of Love
> would lead to a civil war.
> This assessment was also shared by the foreign office and by most foreign
> ministries in European countries. In 1990, an attempt was made to help
> preserve the unity and prevent the disintegration of Yugoslavia.
MIKE: We can't let them stop making those cars! It's a global emergency!
> However, Germany prevented it. Ever since, its only goal has been the
> disintegration of Yugoslavia.
TOM: Forget those Volkswagens! We've got to disintegrate Yugoslavia!
> During negotiations on the independence of Slovenia, Croatia, Macedonia
> and Bosnia-Herzegovina, 11 out of 12 EC member states were against the their
> declaration of independence. However, Germans decided to have it their way
CROW: At Burger King
> and other EC countries were forced to recognize the new republics.
CROW: Apparently, Germany threatened to give the other countries noogies.
> Germans encouraged Moslems and Croats to reach agreement which inevitably
> provoked Serb armed resistance...
MIKE: Nothing upsets those Serbs like peace...
> There is no way Germans were wrong in their assessment. Germany has
> always been the best informed EC member state when the Balkans is in
> question...
TOM: Oh, can you blame them for doing their reading ahead of time?
> Germany entered the process of Yugoslavia's disintegration with its eyes
> opened,
CROW: Its nostrils flared, and its ears full of wax
> aware of the fact that the conflict would bring about a situation which would
> suit Germany entirely. German actions do not stop at Slovenia, Croatia and
> Bosnia. There have already been rumours
MIKE: That Helmut Kohl is Sharon Stone's love slave!
> that the dissatisfaction of Moslems in various parts of Novi Pazar and Kosovo
> - which are internationally recognized as parts of Serbia- constitutes a
> threat to peace in Europe which should justify
CROW: my love.
> intervention. This would benefit Albania, the Moslem state which
> cannot survive alone. It would become a natural ally of Germany.
TOM: Come on, Oliver Stone doesn't have conspiracy theories this stupid.
> In addition, Bonn and its allies support Hungary's territorial claims
> against Vojvodina,
MIKE: You know, I think he's just making this up.
> part of Serbia with substantial Hungarian minority. The German influence in
> Hungary has been on the increase and Hungary's territorial claims will not
> probably be limited only to Yugoslavia.
CROW: Hungary also wants the Dells.
> The disintegration of Czechoslovakia resulted in the creation of
> impoverished Slovakia with the Hungarian minority of 12 per cent of the
> population.
TOM: Well, if they're impoverished, of course they're Hungary... Heh heh...
<Mike smacks his forehead>
> The Slovak government has disputes with Hungary about the Danube. An armed
> conflict between the two of them is possible. If Hungary laid its hands on
> Southern Slovakia,
CROW: Don't you touch my southern parts!
> Germany would get control over the Danube from its source in Germany to the
> Hungarian-Romanian border. This is a very significant geostrategic question.
TOM: No, seriously, it is.
> Germany will also try to get control over the part of the Danube between
> Romania and Bulgaria...
CROW: Why do these sentences drift off so dreamily...
> However, there is the question of establishing a competent international
> authority or German control over the Danube, which would have significant
> international implications.
TOM: If you Germans try to take over the Danube one more time, you have to get
out of the pool!
> Sherman goes on to say: "Germany's territorial ambitions have not
> subsided..."
MIKE: But luckily, it's easy to ignore racist demagogues like him.
> these excerpts from Sherman's study have caused fear that Germany is planning
> another catastrophe for Central Europe.
CROW: They're going to drop pig's blood on its head. Central Europe,
however, has unknown telekinetic powers.
> It is evident that Bonn used inter-ethnic hatred to avenge its humiliation by
> Serbs in World War Two.
MIKE: It wasn't the bombing of Dresden, the capture of Berlin, the loss of
territory that got us so much as those Serbs singing "Nanny nanny boo boo."
> The most frightening thing is the fact that the EC knows of these German
> intentions, but, for various reasons, has become its collaborator,
TOM: As everybody knows, France and England want Germany to become a superpower.
> particularly in the case of the conflict in the former Yugoslavia where, so
> far, about 200 000 people have been killed, more than two million are refugees
> and hundreds of millions of dollars have been lost.
CROW: Where _did_ I put those millions of dollars?
> The real causes of this war were not unknown also in the United States.
> However, rather than opposing German hegemonism the United States punished a
> people. Thus, the Serb people was punished and presented as the Balkan
> monster.
TOM: The West just doesn't understand the beneficial purpose behind bombing
Sarajevo.
> It seems that the world has not learned lessons from history and that is
> allows Germany to rise its head again and commit a new genocide with the help
> of modern methods. Europe and the United States should feel ashamed
MIKE: For the reemergence of David Hasselhoff.
> because of their weakness towards this power which, for the third time this
> century, is trying to conquer Europe first and then the rest of the world.
CROW(Peter Graves): The west learned, almost too late, that man is a feeling
creature...
MIKE & TOM: SHUT UP!
CROW: Sorry, it just felt right.
> =================================================================
> -- I speak for no one and no one speaks for me -- D. D. Chukurov
CROW: If he speaks for no one and no one speaks for him, than WHAT WAS THE
POINT OF THE POST?
MIKE: Don't worry, honey, that was just a pseudo-intellectual quote so that
everyone believes that he's really a deep thinker...
TOM: Time to go...
> d...@nyquist.bellcore.com
> =================================================================
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This MiSTing of a post is based on characters created and owned by Best Brains,
Inc. This MSTing is for entertainment purposes only, and is not meant as a
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in this posting are mine and mine alone (except for those of the original
posters, natch). If this post offends you, keep in mind that it is a response
to a bizarre conspiratorial post, and I do not intend to be offensive. If I
am anyway, mea culpa mea culpa mea maxima culpa.
tv's Dale
"I'm going to break up the Beatles when I grow up."--Gamera vs. Guiron