MiSTed: DEAR REPUBLICAN TYPES
TICK
by the Tick
Topical yet timeless.
*************************************************************************
[SOL]
There is a small voting booth set up. Tom & Mike are standing in line.
MIKE: Hi, everyone, welcome to the Satellite of Love. We decided to hold
a mock election. (whispers) We're trying to decide who should take
over Frank's job when he leaves. Don't tell the mads, though,
they think we don't know.
TOM: Hey, Mike, who you voting for?
MIKE: Tom, it's not polite to ask someone who they're voting for...besides
I haven't really decided yet. I was thinking of Dana Delany.
TOM: Dana Delany?
MIKE: If I'm going to suffer, I may as well enjoy it.
TOM: You _have_ been up here too long.
(CROW emerges from the booth.)
CROW: Okay, all set. Now where do I go to vote?
MIKE: You were supposed to vote in there. What else could you have done
in a small, enclosed cubicle with a lever?
TOM: And what's that smell?
[DEEP 13]
(Dr. F is on the phone.)
Dr. F: Yes, Henchmen R' Us? I'd like a copy of your Christmas catalog,
please...
FRANK: (OS) Doctor, the invention exchange is ready.
Dr. F: Er...no, I don't want a subscription to _Highlights!_ (hangs up
the phone) The nerve of some people...
[SOL]
The GUYS are all around a computer.
TOM: Sad, really. Well, let's do it, Mike.
MIKE: Right you are. Well, sirs, our invention exchange this week deals with
fanfic.
CROW: Are you tired of going to find the release date for _Generations_
and being deluged with bad Star Trek fanfic?
TOM: Star Trek meets Aliens?
MIKE: Star Trek meets Red Dwarf?
CROW: Star Trek meets Dallas?
TOM: Well, worry no more with Trek-B-Gone, version 1.0! Just load this bad
boy into your 'puter at home and kiss those fanfics goodbye!
(The computer begins to smoke.)
MIKE: Oh, no! Ratliff's downloading all of his work from the past year!
(The computer explodes.)
CROW: There's something on the screen! It says "Dear...bots...you...can...
never...stop...Ratliff."
TOM: BASTARD! He's always one step ahead!
MIKE: What do you think, sirs?
[DEEP 13]
Dr. F: You'll be needing that program in a second, Marv. But now for our
invention exchange.
FRANK: Stress is one of the greatest factors in heart attacks, strokes
and spontaneous combustion today. We all need a way to release
our tension.
Dr. F: That's why we've invented the plush television executive and
baseball bat. Upset about, say, your favorite show being yanked
off the weekday schedule in favor of, for instance, a dead
British comedian?
FRANK: YAHHHHH! (grabs the baseball bat and begins beating the doll
senseless)
Dr. F: Whose concussion is it, anyway? Your experiment today, Murray,
is a little exercise in futility called "DEAR REPUBLICAN TYPES."
Retch early and retch often! Push the button, Frank.
[SOL]
ALL: AHHHH! WE GOT POST SIGN!!
(7...6...5...4...3...2...1)
>Path: msuinfo!agate!howland.reston.ans.net!swiss.ans.net!newstf01.news.aol.com!newsbf01.news.aol.com!not-for-mail
>From: tomt...@aol.com (TOM TRIFIK)
CROW: Tommy Terrific?
MIKE: Not even close.
>Newsgroups: alt.fan.g-gordon-liddy
TOM: I wouldn't be a fan of this guy no matter how long you held a cigarette
under my hand!
>Subject: DEAR REPUBLICAN TYPES (a Letter for ya!)
MIKE: Why did you vote for Ronald Reagan?
CROW: And George Bush?
TOM: And Pat Buchanan?
>Date: 4 Nov 1994 09:25:07 -0500
>Organization: America Online, Inc. (1-800-827-6364)
CROW: There's room for an AOL flame here, but it's too early in the post.
>Lines: 60
>Sender: ne...@newsbf01.news.aol.com
>Message-ID: <39dg83$a...@newsbf01.news.aol.com>
>NNTP-Posting-Host: newsbf01.news.aol.com
>
>DEAR REPUBLICANS,
TOM: Turns out we were wrong! You can all go home now!
>
> I READ EACH DAY WITH INTEREST AS YOU, EXTOLL THE VIRTUES OF
CROW: Dan Gannon. I must ask...why?
>REPUBLICANS AND THEIR RESULTANT CONSERVATISM. I ALSO HAPPILY HEAR THE
>VOICES OF THOSE WHO FOR SOME REASON THINK THAT LIBERALISM AND DEMOCRATS
>"MUST GO", AND BE "BOOTED OUT" DURING THIS ELECTION.
MIKE: Those must be some quiet voices...have any of you heard anything
about this?
CROW: Was it on the funnies page?
TOM: If it wasn't in Doonesbury we don't know about it.
CROW: Or care.
> LIBERALISM AND DEMOCRATS WILL, HOWEVER, STAY! THERE IS NOTHING
>YOU
>CAN DO TO STOP THE INCESSANT MARCH OF THE TRULY DEDICATED AND SINCERE OF
>CAUSE.
CROW: FLEE FOR YOUR LIVES! THE LIBERALS ARE COMING!
TOM: Bruce Campbell...vs....ARMY OF LIBERALS.
>HOW DO I KNOW THIS? WHAT MAKES ME SO CONVINCED? I'LL TELL YOU!
MIKE: I AM _COMPLETELY_ WHACKED IN THE HEAD!
>
>>> 1) I WILL PRAISE ALL OF MY DEMOCRATIC COMRADS, HAPPILY HOLDING UP
>EVEN
>THEIR SMALLEST OF ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS WONDERS TO BEHOLD!
CROW: Uh...okay.
>>> 2) I WILL NEVER, NEVER SPEAK NEGATIVELY OF ANY DEMOCRAT OR LIBERAL;
>DESPITE THEIR STUPIDITY, DESPITE THEIR IGNORANCE, DESPITE THEIR FAILURES,
>DESPITE ANY ACTION, VOTE, OR FAUX-PAS (BE IT ILLEGAL, IMMORAL, OR SINFUL).
TOM: Right neighborly of you.
>>> 3) I WILL TELL HALF-TRUTHS & LIES AS NEEDED. I WILL, AS POSSIBLE,
>MISQUOTE & MISINTERPRET THE SAYINGS OF REPUBLICANS & CONSERVATIVES.
MIKE: Oh, _now_ I get it. He's being ironic!
CROW: Oh...oh yes. Gosh. The waves of irony are just rolling over me now.
TOM: And he was so _subtle_ too...I never would have known if you hadn't
pointed it out.
>>> 4) I WILL CALL EVERY POSSIBLE DEMOCRATIC VOTER AND USING #'S 1, 2 & 3
CROW: Okay, I know what #1 and #2 are...what's #3?
MIKE: I'll tell you when you're older.
>ABOVE I WILL CONVINCE THEM TO GO OUT AND VOTE FOR MY CANDIDATE.
TOM: Ahh, a Mitt Romney supporter.
MIKE: No regionalistic quips, please, we're from Minnesota.
>>> 5) I WILL HIRE A BUS AND A CATERING FIRM TO TAKE CARE OF THE POOR
>UNFORTUNATE WHO WOULDN'T OTHERWISE BE ABLE TO EAT OR GO TO THE POLLS ON
>ELECTION DAY.
CROW: Hmmm...I _think_ that might be more irony. It's so understated,
it's hard to tell, but it _might_ be irony.
>>> 6) I WILL LIE, CHEAT, STEAL, AND PAY FOR A VOTE IN MY FAVOR.
MIKE: See, that's how you tell he's a Republican.
>
>
>..........SO, LISTEN, YOU HAVE NO CHANCE OF WINNING...............
CROW: Ms. Harding, there's no reason to be snippy.
>....... YOU HAVE NO CHANCE OF EVER CHANGING THE SYSTEM............
TOM: Unless you dream!
CROW: And sing and dance your dear little heart out!
MIKE: Let's kick the dust of this crummy little town off our feet
and head for Broadway!
>
>* DON'T TALK ABOUT THE ELECTION TO YOUR FRIENDS.
TOM: Or you will surely die.
>* DON'T DISCUSS POLITICS AT WORK.
MIKE: Sounds good.
>* DON'T ASK SOMEONE HOW THEY PLAN TO VOTE.
MIKE: It's rude.
>* DON'T EXPLAIN TO THE IGNORANT & UNDERINFORMED HOW THINGS REALLY WORK.
CROW: That's our job.
>* DON'T WATCH ANY DEBATES OR READ THE PAPERS CONCERNING THE ISSUES.
TOM: STAY ALIVE, NO MATTER WHAT OCCURS! I WILL FIND YOU!
>* DON'T LISTEN TO THE G. GORDON LIDDY, RUSH LIMBAUGH, OR MICHAEL REAGAN
>SHOWS.
CROW: Instead, listen to Howard Stern.
TOM: Bababooie!
>* DON'T EVEN WORRY ABOUT THE ELECTIONS UNTIL NOVEMBER 9TH.
MIKE: I wasn't planning to...see, I'm STRANDED IN SPACE!
>
>** DO PLAN TO GO OUT OF TOWN ON ELECTION DAY, NOVEMBER VACATIONS ARE NICE.
MIKE: _I_ wouldn't know...
>** DO THINK YOUR VOTE DOESN'T MATTER, (IT DOESN'T), DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME.
CROW: Resistance is useless. You will be assimilated.
>** DO RESIGN YOURSELF TO 40 MORE YEARS OF DEMOCRATIC CONTROL OF POLITICS.
TOM: Give or take the Reagan years...
>** DO COMPLAIN ABOUT THE SLIGHTEST LITTLE THING THAT REPUBLICANS DO WRONG.
MIKE: I was planning on it, thank you!
>** DO TELL EVERYONE YOU SEE HOW HORRIBLY DISAPPOINTING THE REPUBLICANS
>ARE.
TOM: Been there, done that!
>** DO JUST SIT ON YOUR HANDS AT HOME AND HOPE THAT ENOUGH OTHERS WILL VOTE
>THE WAY YOU PREFER SO THAT YOUR CANDIDATE MIGHT NOT LOOSE TOO BADLY.
CROW: His character's "loose"? He must be a Kennedy supporter...
MIKE: Stop with the Massachusetts political scene!
>** DO NOT GET INVOLVED IN THE PROCESS AT ALL. SOMEONE ELSE WILL TAKE CARE
>OF
>YOU, SOMEONE ELSE WILL TAKE CARE OF YOUR TAXES, SOMEONE ELSE KNOWS WHAT'S
>BEST FOR YOU, SOMEONE ELSE WILL MAKE ALL THE RIGHT DECISIONS!
TOM: Instead, daydream of...Brazil.
MIKE: Oh, I see...this message is for the Generation X audience.
CROW: Mike, if you say that again, I can't be responsible for what
happens to your sock drawer.
>THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND DON'T FORGET TO VOTE ON THURSDAY NOVEMBER
>10TH!
CROW: Is that more irony?
>
>WITH ALL SINCERITY AND COMPLETE HONESTY,
TOM: Not lucidity or anything like that, but honesty. Plenty of honesty.
>
>TOM TRIFIK
MIKE: Jimmy Stewart in "Mr. Trifik Goes to the Funny Farm."
TOM: Let's get outta here, eh?
(1...2...3...4...5...6...7)
MIKE: HEY, WEIRD POST TODAY, HUH?
CROW: YEAH, THAT GUY'S BEEN READING WAY TOO MUCH _NEWSWEEK_!
TOM: WHAT?!
MIKE: HUH?! I CAN'T HEAR YOU! THAT GUY SCREAMED THROUGH THE WHOLE
POST!
CROW: WHAT?!
TOM: HUH?!
MIKE: WHAT?!
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: YES! My plan to give them all tinnitus is succeeding...push the
button, Frank!
FRANK: WHAT?!
(Blackout)
***************************************************************************
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TT "Stupid bug! You go squish now!" - Homer Simpson TT
TT TT
TT "Your friends may lie/The truth may come from TT
TT strangers/If I knew why/We wouldn't be in this TT
TT danger/Leaning out the window of my car/and TT
TT wishin' on another lucky star." - J.D. Souther TT
TT TT
TT T H E T I C K TT
TT TT
TT Another Fine Product From Inspired Weirdness TT
TT pmi...@fscvax.fsc.mass.edu TT
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Austin George Loomis
Very good. Tell me -- did Jamie Plummer post this? 8-)
(Somebody make a llama comment quick before I start fulminating about how
the Left in current Amerikan politics is as conservative as the Right, how
the phrases "big-government liberal", "liberal establishment" and especially
"liberal oppression" are meaningless, how the only difference between the
Republicrats and the Demagogues is that one believes in Big Government control
of business and the other in Big Business control of government, and a lot of
other deranged things. If I posted my actual politics anywhere outside the
alt.{crackpots} groups (as alt.slack , alt.discordia , alt.illuminati etc),
and possibly if I posted them _in_ those groups, there'd be some champion
bot-fodder, even though I consider most of the commonly zorched conspiracy-
watchers to be suffer from rectofossal ambiguity of a life-threatening degree.
Hurry up with that llama post, guys. Anyone? Bueller? Anyone?)
Jamie Plummer
> (Somebody make a llama comment quick before I start fulminating about how
> the Left in current Amerikan politics is as conservative as the Right, how
just as friendly toward the concept of big gov't as the left:
they just want control themselves.
> Hurry up with that llama post, guys. Anyone? Bueller? Anyone?)
Did you know the actor who played Bueller's teacher (Ben Stein)
is a conservative and regular contributor to the American
Spectator? His monthly Ben Stein's Diary is the first thing I
turn to when my new issue arrives. His chronicles of his daily
life is insightful, witty, and often touching.
Back to the llamas!
o/~ Llama llama llama llama llama chameleon o/~
--
"more cunning than a fox appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University"
n26 e36 m41 br109 lbi30 ACU100 prop187 SW4] Jamie Plummer
I am not a MSTie number, I am a free man! ] jc...@fermi.clas.Virginia.EDU
Speaker Gingrich: Deal with it, pinko boy.] Push the button... someone :(