MiSTed: Murder One, Pt. 1 [2/4]
Robert Mobbs
(I had jello today) and am only now getting this done. As usual, comments
and suggestions are welcomed. Don't be afraid to let me know if I suck.
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: From MShu...@aol.com Mon Aug 1 09:19 CDT 1994
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: ["10409" "Mon" " 1" "August" "1994" "10:16:12" "EDT" "MShu...@aol.com" "MShu...@aol.com" nil "179" "Murder One part 2 (for alt.startrek.creative)" "^From:" nil nil "8" nil nil nil nil]
: nil)
[Joel] Does anyone else think the floor's a little sticky in here?
[Tom] Oh, sorry Joel. I spilled my Coke. Proabably because I DON'T HAVE ANY ARMS!!!
[Joel] Oh, tell the N.R.A.
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[Crow] So, this header is pretty much the same as last time, right?
[Joel] Yep.
[Tom] Pretty much.
: X-Mailer: America Online Mailer
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: From: MShu...@aol.com
: To: j...@cis.ksu.edu
: Subject: Murder One part 2 (for alt.startrek.creative)
: Date: Mon, 01 Aug 94 10:16:12 EDT
: Status: RO
[Tom] Really Offensive?
[Crow] Retarded Outburst?
[Joel] Radical Ornithopter?
[Tom and Crow] Huh??
: A burst of raucous laughter filled the bar
[Crow] Several people were drowned.
: as the five Klingon officers
: off the Gowron knocked back their glasses of prune juice.
[Joel] Damn, these Klingons sure can PARTY!
: "Bartender!" shouted Captain Krinoth. "Another round!"
[Tom] One round for five squares...
: Quark muttered something not very polite to himself
[Joel] Self-abuse is his biggest problem.
: and programmed the replicator to produce yet another quintuple set of
: glasses of prune juice. Damn Klingons, he thought.
[Crow] With their fuel-efficient cars and superior business techniques!
: He stone a glance at the rest of the bar
[Tom] He...stone...huh?!?!?
: and the few alcoholic denizens residing within.
[Joel] Ahhh...must be the Kennedy compound.
: Most of his regulars
[Crow] Regulars? Wow...prune juice must be really popular up there.
: had heard who was stopping by
[Tom] Sidney Poitier?
[Joel] Ohh, that's a stretch.
: and decided to visit a different watering hole for a few hours.
[Tom] Courtney Love?
[Joel] TOM!
: The hell of it was that there were no other watering holes on Deep Space
: Nine.
[Tom] Ah, how convenient. Does Bill Gates run this bar??
: Quark lamented the lost latinum
[Crow] Seizing the opportunity to brush up on his alliteration...
: as he carried the tray of prune juice
: through the din of laughter over to the table and plunked it down,
[Joel] Wow...that's the most prepositions I've ever seen in a sentence.
: jumping back just fast enough to avoid losing a few fingers as the Klingons
: grabbed the glasses.
[Crow] Never get between a Klingon and his prune juice!
: Please, the Ferengi prayed, let someone else come in here.
: He got his wish.
[Joel] Yeah, luckily God favors alcoholics...
: Quark saw O'Brien thunder into the bar and grinned in utter relief. "Why,
: Chief! This is an unexpected pleas-"
: His voice cut off as a furious O'Brien
[Tom] Furious O'Brien? Didn't he used to wrestle for the WWF?
: grabbed him by the neck, hauled him clear off the floor and began to shake
: him like a rag doll.
[Tom] Rag doll...livin' in a movie!!
: "Where is she?" the human demanded.
: "Where's who?" Quark managed to squeak.
: "Where's my wife?"
[Joel] (Cagney voice) "Mary, Mary -- don't ya know me???"
: "Holosuite J," Quark rasped, and fell back gasping as O'Brien released him
: and headed for the stairs at full speed.
[Crow] "Full speed?" Isn't that a brisk walk?
[Joel] Only if you're on security.
: O'Brien ran up the stairs and barreled down the corridor holding the
: holosuites.
[Crow] Then he caromed off the ceiling and flounced through the doorway!
: He stopped outside the last one - Holosuite J. He firmly
[Tom] Yet lovingly...
: pressed the intercom button that would allow someone to communicate with
: anyone inside the holosuite. "Keiko? Come out of there!"
[Joel] You haven't digested your dinner yet!
: There was no answer,
[All} "Wait for tha beep...ya gotta leave your name, ya gotta leave your
number..."
: so O'Brien turned to the computer interface terminal and said, "Computer,
: open Holosuite J. Command override O'Brien delta two seven."
[Crow] Hey, Joel, now we know O'Brien's secret code!
[Joel] Yeah...now we can get access to the entire ship!
[Crow] Daaaxx....
: The computer beeped and the door slid open, revealing Keiko O'Brien
: sitting alone in the middle of a sunny meadow by a gurgling brook.
[Crow] Strung up on a cross, stakes gouged through her eyeballs!
: O'Brien paused for a moment to make sure he was really seeing what his
: eyes were conveying to his brain.
[Joel] Yeah, usually he sees through his feet.
: No, Miles, he said to himself,
[Crow] Using his first name -- he was pals with himself.
: you are not seeing your wife enjoying herself carnally with a holographic
: simulation.
[Tom] Great, looks like we got _our_ wish too.
: Keiko looked up at the sound of the opening door and smiled at her
: husband.
[Crow] Why, Mr. Bond...you have a nasty habit of surviving...
: "Come in, Miles. You look silly standing there with your mouth
: open."
[All] (pointing) Waaaahh-waaahhh-wahhhhh!!!
: O'Brien tentatively made his way inside the suite, allowing the door to
: close behind him. "I see you got my note," his wife said conversationally.
[Crow] How the hell else could she say it??
: "Your note," O'Brien said slowly. "I got it. I thought that you were..."
[Tom] OJ Simpson? Oh, I get that all the time!
: Keiko looked at him curiously for a moment, then her eyes widened and she
: blushed hard enough to heat up the entire room.
[Crow] Kingsford Keiko's -- edges light quickly!
: "You thought that I was running one of those programs?"
: Her husband stammered, "Well, since I got the call from Ops and left you
: all alone...I thought that..."
: Keiko smiled, a bright and sunny smile. She stepped forward and took her
: husband's face in her hands.
[Crow] Hey! Give that back!
: "You were jealous."
: "Honey," said O'Brien, "I know my schedule isn't exactly easy on our
: marriage. I just don't want to lose you because of it."
: She kissed him gently. "You can't lose me that easily, Miles.
[Joel] Because she keeps leaving those darned trails of bread crumbs.
: And I'd still love you even if you were always off fixing something on
: this station."
: But I am always fixing something on this station, O'Brien thought,
[Tom] _That_ says a lot about his talents.
: and wisely left that sentiment unsaid.
[Crow] Preferring instead to convey it through interpretive dance!
: As they began to kiss passionately,
[Tom] Lesse...they talk conversationally, smile happily, and kiss
passionately...I think they've got it right.
: he thought of nothing except how beautiful his wife was and how much
: he loved her.
[Crow] That and his groinal discomfort.
: One of the attractions of Quark's holosuites was that they were totally
: soundproof;
[Crow] And they could pick up the Comedy Channel!
[Joel] Oh, Crow...that's it. No more TV.
: sounds from the inside could not penetrate to the outside and
: vice versa.
[All] Judge Reinhold.
: This was why the station's chief of operations did not hear the
: commotion outside, even if he had been in a mood to hear it.
[Tom] Heh...he didn't hear it, so I guess it was a low commotion?
[Crow] C'mon, c'mon and do the low commotion with me!!
: A quiet chime sounded from behind the bar, drawing Quark's attention to a
: screen. TIME LIMIT ON HOLOSUITE G EXPIRED, it said. Finally, Quark thought
: with relief, some diversion from the Klingons and their endless noise.
: "Rom!" he shouted above the cacophony.
[Joel] (chuckling) Cacophony...that's German for "fake cake."
: His brother scuttled
[Tom] He _really_ needs to have that looked at.
: over from the Klingon table and came to a halt in front of the bar. "Yes,
: brother?"
[Crow] I told you never to call me that!!
: "The time limit in Holosuite G is up," said Quark. "Go get her out of
: there and let someone else take their turn."
: Rom paused as he thought this over for a moment. At times like this, Quark
: could swear that he could actually see the sluggish chemical reactions
: taking place in his brother's brain.
[Joel] Wow...just like Mr. Goodbody!
: Rom finally got the idea, grinned that foolish grin of his, and shambled
: up the steps to the holosuites.
: He stopped in front of Holosuite G, which had automatically shut down when
: the timer had counted down from three hours. Rom cleared his throat
[Crow] Trach him!! Get a pen in there!!
: and pressed the intercom button. "Ms. Jarvis," he stuttered, "I'm sorry, but
: you'll have to leave now."
: There was no answer.
[All] (To Beethoven's Fifth) "Nobody's home...nobody's home..."
: Rom frowned. He was not particularly good with problems.
[Crow] Duhhh..'specially with decimal points...
: So he pressed the button again, again bringing only silence.
[Joel] D'oh! It's the silence button!
: Thinking hard for a moment,
[Tom] His head burst into flame!
: he remembered the override code that only he and Quark knew
[Crow] Welcome to Plot Convenience Playhouse!
: and punched it in.
[Joel] Wow, Rom's got a bad temper.
: The computer beeped,
[Tom] Damned PC speakers.
: acknowledging the code,
[Crow] (Norton-esque voice) "Helloooo, code!"
: and the door slid open.
: Rom looked at what was inside and screamed.
[Joel] Hey! It's David Copperfield and he's doing the sword through the
lady! Check it out!
: Odo heard the scream from his office and ran out, bumping into several
: people on the Promenade who had also heard the Ferengi scream.
[Tom] Hey, I've done the Ferengi scream. Jung is right. It's great for
relieving tension.
: He darted up the stairs, followed by Quark and about a dozen other people.
[Joel] (As Odo) "Dammit, I said we were finished playing Follow the Leader!!"
: He stopped in front of the open holosuite door to find Rom, pale and
: stammering and in shock. He turned, motioned to the others to stay back,
: and stepped into the suite.
[Crow] Yes, you can win this beautiful lounge suite!
: Deborah Jarvis was sprawled out on the floor, very beautiful, very naked,
: and very dead. Blood still trickled from a gaping wound in her chest.
: Odo tapped his combadge. "Odo to Bashir."
[Tom] Checkmate! Oh, I love that one!
: "Bashir here," came the voice of the station's head doctor.
[Joel] Head doctor? But this is a chest wound!
: "Doctor, we have - a problem at Holosuite G."
[Crow] Oh, this gangland slang...it's everywhere.
: Dr. Julian Bashir hesitated for only an instant. "On my way," he said
: simply, and closed the channel.
: Odo took up position in the holosuite's doorway, solid as a rock
[Crow] Heheheheheh...
: (and with the humor of one, as Quark would say).
[Joel] Oh, good one, Quark.
: It was less than two minutes later
[Tom] This is the future, and they can't give us an exact time??
[Crow] (chuckling) Hey, Joel, think they were using the Pentium chip?
: that Bashir and a medtech arrived with a crash cart and entered the suite.
: Sisko and Kira were right behind them.
[Crow] Where the women and minorites belong in white-male dominated space!
: Sisko's expression was dark and thunderous
[Tom] That's a change.
: as he looked at Jarvis' body.
: "Who did this?" he hissed as Bashir began to examine it.
[Joel] Well, sir, it's _your_ face...
: "Rest assured, Commander," said Odo, "I will find the killer."
: "Cause of death is pretty obvious," said Bashir as he straightened up.
[Tom] Drowning.
: "Massive coronary failure brought on by a stab wound to the chest. Looks
: like the object went between her left ribs and hit her heart."
[Tom] Shot through the heart, and you're to blame!
: "When did she die?" asked Kira.
[Joel] Um, I'd say roughly the time she was stabbed, sir...
: "My guess is anywhere from one to two hours ago. To get more specific than
: that, I'd have to perform an autopsy."
[Crow] Or at least my famous Cagney impression!
: "Do it, Doctor," ordered Sisko. "In the meantime, Major, I want the
: station sealed off. No one gets in or out."
[Joel] Oh no, I checked in and I can't check out!!
: "Yes, sir," said Kira.
: "Where's Quark?" Sisko asked as he looked at the gaggle of heads peeping
: in around Odo.
[Tom] Gaggle?
: "Here, Commander." The Ferengi ducked under Odo's arm and entered the
: suite, glancing forlornly at Jarvis' body.
: "This holosuite is being closed for the duration of this inquiry," said
: Sisko.
: Quark actually gasped.
[Crow] Guess his virtual gasp wasn't up to par.
: "You can't do that! I need this suite to stay profitable!"
[Joel] Wow...any relation to Donald Trump, there, Quark?
: "You have nine others," remarked Kira coolly.
: "Besides, she never paid me."
[Tom] Magic Voice? How'd you get into this story?
: Growling, Kira stepped forward and grabbed Quark by the collar much as
: O'Brien had done shortly before.
[Crow] Women...can't do _anything_ original.
: "Listen to me, you little frog.
[All] Rrrribbbbit....rrriibbbbit...
: A woman has been murdered, and the fact that all you can think of is your
: balance sheet makes me very upset."
[Crow] If only I could emote -- curse my green Vulcan blood!!
: If there was one thing Quark had learned in the eighteen months since the
: station had been turned over to the Federation, it was
[Tom] Needlepoint?
[Crow] (rimshot)
: never to make Major Kira Nerys angry. Another thing Quark had learned was
: the Eighty-Ninth Rule of Acquisition: Never make the authorities mad at you.
[Joel] And never let 'em see ya sweat.
: "Of course I'm not totally insensitive," Quark said soothingly. "I just
: talked before I thought, that's all."
: Kira nodded sarcastically.
[Tom] Nodded sarcastically??
: "Of course, Quark."
: Bashir and his medtech straightened up and the doctor tapped his badge.
: "Bashir to Ops.
[Joel] Check...ah, nevermind.
: Two people - and one other - to transport to the infirmary." They were
: snatched away in a haze of red light, and Odo raised his hands.
: "It's all over," he announced to the spectators. "Go back to whatever you
: people were doing before this whole thing started."
[Tom] (Irish voice) "All right, nothin' ta see here..."
: Muttering amongst themselves, the spectators left, not particularly happy
[All] Rutabega...rutabega...nuts and bolts...rutabega...
: at the thought of being locked in the station along with a killer.
[Joel] Get out!! Get out!! The calls are coming from _inside_ the station!!
: Had they
: known the past histories of, say, Quark's clientele, which had a not
: insignificant number of killers to its name, they would not have felt so
: apprehensive. At least they knew who those killers were.
[Crow] Thanks to America's Most Wanted.
: It was at this point that the door to Holosuite J opened and Miles and
: Keiko O'Brien emerged, their arms wrapped around each other and both of
: them glowing like the sun itself. O'Brien blinked at the sudden crowd in
: the corridor. "What's up?" he asked Odo.
: Odo snorted. "Funny you should ask that..."
[Joel] Dickweed.
: Bashir took a deep breath and approached the lifeless body of Deborah
: Jarvis as it lay in an antiroom of the infirmary.
[Tom] Ok, I get it. Anti-gravity...anti-matter...antiroom?
: It was not like he had never done an autopsy before. He had; he had done
: dozens in his medical career.
[Crow] But in the past they had all still been alive.
: But he had never had to do one on someone murdered like this before.
[Tom] Yeah, generally they died under the knife.
: He switched
[All] Jimmy Smits.
: on the sterile field, thus ensuring that any microorganisms
: still active in the corpse could not escape into the larger environment of
: the station and wreak some havoc.
[Joel] That's kinda like closing the barn door after the cows have left, isn't
it, Doc?
: He set the auto-scanner to examine every inch of her body, especially the chest
[Crow] Heh heh heh...
: wound,
[Crow] Oh.
: and activated it. The scanner would take several minutes to do the job,
[Tom] Especially at 1600 DPI.
: and Bashir took advantage of the moment
[Crow] Heh heh heh...
: to look closely at the dead face.
[Crow] Oh.
{Joel] Crow!
: If he could assign a name to the emotion on that face, it would be
[Tom] Frank!
: surprise.
[All] Ah! (Leap back, as if startled)
: Whatever had happened to her had happened very quickly. Fear and
: terror took time to be generated.
[Joel] Especially if you're making them from scratch.
: The saving grace in all of this is that she probably didn't have
: enough time to suffer.
[Crow] Unless he made her listen to some Kenny G first.
: The scanner beeped and the results came up on a monitor screen. Bashir
: tore himself away from the body and examined the data. He was especially
: interested in the composition of the wound; it would tell his what kind of
: weapon Jarvis had been killed with.
[Tom] Oh, let me guess....something sharp??? A _stabbing_ device, perhaps??
: The results were conclusive, and a very specific kind of weapon jumped out
: from the dry on-screen language.
[Crow] Killing three more people!
: It was a weapon that worried Bashir a great deal.
[Tom] Too bad it wasn't suspenseful or anything.
[Joel] Ah, hell, another cliffhanger.
[1...2...3...4...5...6...7...]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Joel, Crow, and Tom are all standing around "The Table")
[Crow] Joel, I'm really depressed. This fanfic is really crappy!!
[Tom] Yeah! I mean, not only is the story inane, but he's making Chief O'Brien
out to be some sex-crazed hunka burnin' love...
[Crow] Like Patrick Swayze...
[Tom] ...yes, like Patrick Swayze. Plus, it looks like he punctuated the story
by flicking a fountain pen at it!!
[Crow] Yeah, and he tries to use big words that don't really fit, so he can seem
intelligent, when we all know he's dumb, because HE WROTE THIS CRAPPY
FANFIC!
(Crow begins to bang his head against the table)
[Joel] Calm down, little ones...calm down. You break it, you bought it Crow.
[Crow] But it really sucks, Joel!
[Joel] Oh, well, look at it this way. At least Dax was in this one.
[Tom] Isn't she the only reason for watching the show?
[Joel] Well, actually, the plots of the real show are quite well done...
(spotlight begins to form around Crow, who has a half-gone, dreamy look on his
face.)
[Joel] What the hell?
[Crow] (aside) I paid Cambot ten bucks...
(to the camera) Dax. The name fills my heart like...uh, some filling
thing.
[Joel] I sense a song coming on...
(Fifties music pours from the speakers)
[Crow] Dax...oh sweet Dax
When you're on the show
I never leave for snacks
I never feel this low
Dax, my dear Dax
You make me want to cry
So, tell me just the facts
Could you love such a guy...
As meeeee.....
[Joel and Tom] Dum...dum-de-dum...dum-dum...dum-de-dum...
[Crow] Dax, Dax-y dear
I long to hold you near
And whisper in your ear
Believe me it's no bum steer
Dax, pretty Dax
I hate to say goodbye
I long to love you, even though
You were once a guy...
Like meeee....
(Commercial sign)
[Joel] We'll be right back.