MiSTed - The Vanished (XF/Twin Peaks) 6/8
Bill Livingston
> Mulder and Scully peered cautiously into room three, as if
>worried they would frighten whoever was inside.
CROW: Excuse me, sir, are you nervous?
MIKE: [immediately] Nope!!
> A gaunt figure sat slumped in one of the chairs by the
>windows, his face angular and his hair a shock of blonde that stood
>straight up from his head in an outrageous buzz cut.
MIKE: It's the Green Day guy!
CROW: Uh, actually, it's -
MIKE: David Bowie, I know
> He wore a
>loud Hawaiian shirt and black slacks. He didn't hear Mulder and
>Scully enter the room.
SERVO: He's too busy jazzin' for Blue Jean.
> "Agent Jeffries?" Mulder asked, his hand hovering over his
>sidearm.
SERVO: Telekenesis!
MIKE: Special Effects
CROW: The power of music!
> "I'm Agent Fox Mulder and this is Agent Scully."
> The man swiveled in his seat to face them. His expression
>was one of malice and of fear.
> "HE'S HERE!"
ALL: YAAAAHHHH!!
CROW: Don't *do* that!
> Jeffries screamed, a howling laughter and a
>maniacal cackle. His arms began to flail wildly, and Scully moved
>forward to help him.
SERVO: No, no, you're flailing your arms all wrong! Watch me -
CROW: You couldn't flail your arms with a 90 MPH tailwind!!
SERVO: Oh, bite me, goldenboy!
> "Scully," Mulder warned, reaching for her arm.
SERVO: [Scully] Not me, doofus, grab *his* arms!
> "My god, Mulder!" Scully replied, grabbing Jeffries' arms
>and trying to calm him, "Help me."
> Mulder moved forward quickly and together they got
>Jeffries to stop thrashing.
MIKE: Who are you to judge his generation's music?!
SERVO: Ah, these kids today, with the hair and the music...
> "I'm going to call the hospital," Mulder said hurriedly,
>reaching into his coat for his phone. He flipped it open only to find
>it crackling with static.
MIKE: And hickory-smoked flavor!
> Scully heard the noise and produced her
>own phone,
CROW: That's because she controls the means of production
SERVO: The workers groan under the burden of a Scullyarchy!
> only to find that it was inoperable as well.
> "He- he knows...he knows!"
MIKE: He knows you're alone!
Jeffries was obviously
>extremely agitated. "You can't let him...stop. The one who wears
>the ring knows the way!"
CROW: Givvumms precious!!
> Mulder and Scully heard a noise behind them, and saw
>Albert enter the room, his hands full with cups of coffee.
> "What the hell are you two doing in here...?"
SERVO: Fine, don't say hello.
MIKE: Is that the way your mother & I taught you to enter a room,
young man?
> Albert looked
>beyond them and his mouth opened and closed. "Jesus, they're
>coming out of the damn woodwork!"
SERVO: Better get Orkin on the phone
> Mulder and Scully turned back to look at Jeffries, only to
>find
CROW: They really didn't care for him
> an empty chair.
> "Mulder! Where'd he go?" Scully jumped to the windows
SERVO: 14.2 meters. She's ready for Atlanta!
>and peered outside, scanning the bushes beyond for any movement.
> "I don't think he went that way," Mulder said grimly.
MIKE: Maybe he left by the Jeffries Tubes
>
>[Twin Peaks Hospital, 11:11 AM]
SERVO: Previously on "Twin Peaks Hospital"...
> A loud crash brought Cooper and Truman quickly into
>Desmond's hospital room, where they found him standing at the
>window, panting, shattered glass all over the floor.
MIKE: [dully] I can't change the channel...
> "He's found me! It's time to go, now...beyond the fire."
CROW: Hey, *we* didn't start the fire!
> Cooper and Truman looked at each other, unsure.
MIKE: Should he kill us now, or wait till later?
> "Let me call Mulder and Scully," Truman said, moving
>back towards the nurses' station, "get him ready to go."
SERVO: Yes, at Twin Peaks Hospital, *you* decide when you're well!
> Cooper nodded, stepping gingerly towards Desmond who
>was bare-footed and
SERVO: Pregnant!
> only partially dressed in a hospital gown.
> Truman picked up a phone at the nurses' station and dialed
>Mulder's cellular number, only to receive a hissing static.
MIKE: Daphne! Velma! Mulder's trapped in the snake pit!
> Cursing,
>he quickly dialed Scully's number, also with no connection. "So
>much for your high-tech," he mumbled as he struggled to remember
SERVO: When life was easy, on "The Rookies"
>Albert's car phone number. It crackled in his ear and Truman felt a
>knot of dread forming in his stomach.
MIKE: All he hears is radio ga-ga
CROW: Radio goo-goo?
MIKE: No, radio ga-ga
> He dialed the station, but
>couldn't get through.
CROW: That's my birthday! Caller ten wins $106!! Let's see, it's, uh,
555-J106, and - geez, five studio lines and I still can't through?!?
> "Well?" Cooper asked as he emerged from Desmond's
>room, supporting Chester gently from the right side.
> "I can't reach 'em, Coop. I don't know what's going on."
SERVO: Why should you get special privileges?
> "We'll just have to go without them."
> "But Coop!"
MIKE: What light through yonder window breaks?
CROW: It is da east, and Chester is da sun!
> "Harry, if Agent Desmond is correct in saying that Bob is
>back in Twin Peaks, I believe it is of grave importance that we do
>not delay for a second."
CROW: There is not time, so we will not use contractions
> Truman's mouth became a thin line,
SERVO: The Thin Tru Line
> but he nodded curtly.
>"Let's go."
>
>[11:24 AM]
> "I can't get through," Mulder said angrily, slamming the
>phone back on it's cradle.
[All make baby noises]
> Lucy flinched and replied defensively,
>"Well, don't blame me."
> "Let's go back," Scully said, moving towards the door.
> "No, I'll go.
CROW: No, I'll go!
SERVO: No, I'll go!
MIKE: No, I'll go!
> You and Rosenfield stay here in case Jeffries
>reappears or if Cooper and Truman show up. They may be
>experiencing the same phenomena as we are."
SERVO: Or maybe they're just talking to their psychic friends
> "Mulder..." Scully began, but Mulder was already out the
>door. She folded her arms in annoyance. "I don't believe this."
MIKE: Oh, you never believe anything!
> "I'm starved," Albert replied, seemingly unconcerned. "I
>didn't have any breakfast. I'm heading down to the Double R to get
>some grub
CROW: He's gonna eat worms at the railroad?
SERVO: [mounrfully] Why don't they look?
> while we wait for hot-shot to call. You want anything?"
SERVO: Her life back!
> "I'll go," Scully said distractedly, "you stay here."
> "I'll go," Lucy volunteered, but they ignored her.
MIKE: No, I'll go!
SERVO: No, *I'll* go!!
CROW: No, I'LL go!!!
> "Agent Scully..."
> "Agent Rosenfield, your keys, please?" Albert opened his
>mouth to argue, then thought the better of it, fishing his keys out of
>his pocket
CROW: I bet he rides that Prodigy bus, too!
> and handing them to Scully. "Thank you."
> Albert brought his hands up and began instructing Scully.
>"I'd like a grilled cheese sandwich. Now, I don't want it on rye or
>on white, just wheat. And not that processed American cheese
>crap, I want one slice of cheddar, just cheddar, and two, and I mean
>two, slices of Swiss, ya got that?"
SERVO: You get the feeling Albert was potty trained at 4 months?
> "Got it, grilled cheese," Scully replied, rolling her eyes.
>Albert sighed, disgusted, and shot a withering look at Lucy.
> "What are you staring at?!"
SERVO: [as Lucy] Um, well, there's this thingy on your neck, kinda like
a mole but not really, 'cause it's kinda blueish, and it's shaped a
little like a map of Ohio, and it's got this one itty bitty hair in
th middle, and it's, um, wel, not *too* blueish, but -
CROW: MI-I-I-I-I-IKE! MAKE HIM STOP!!!!
MIKE: C'mon Tom, you're driving poor Crow up the wall!
SERVO: [mumbling] ninety mile tailwind my HINDER!
>
>[Twin Peaks Hospital, 11:48 AM]
> Mulder turned into the hallway,
CROW: Simple Morph effect
SERVO: Been there; taped that
> his heart pounding; there
>was no sign of Cooper or Truman. He opened the door to
>Desmond's room, only to find a nurse turning down the empty bed
SERVO: Wocka chickabaWOW
>and a pile of broken glass around the shattered window.
> "Where is Agent Cooper or Sheriff Truman?" he asked the
>woman.
> "I don't know, they just left..."
> "Glastonbury Grove?" Mulder hazarded.
CROW: [as nurse] No thanks, I just ate
> "They didn't say," the nurse replied, shrugging.
> Mulder slapped his palms on the door in frustration as he
>exited and reached for his cellular phone.
MIKE: Y'ever notice their cell phones have calling areas of about, say,
thirty light years?
SERVO: It's a secret government project.
>
>[Sheriff's Station, 11:50 AM]
> "Agent Rosenfield, phone for you, it's Agent Mulder."
> "Yeap."
> "Rosenfield, where's Scully?"
SERVO: She went out to get me a grilled cheese sandwich. She'll
be back in about 6 hours.
> "Went to the Double R, why, what's up?"
> "Damn it, Albert! Cooper and Truman are gone, they took
>Desmond with them."
> "What?! Where are they going?"
MIKE: As far away from David Lynch as they can get
> "I think they may be headed to Glastonbury Grove."
> "I'll try and raise Scully again."
CROW: SCULLY! COME FORTH!!
>
>[RR Diner. 12:10 PM]
> Scully eased onto a stool and mustered a smile for Norma.
CROW: She was just tryin to ketchup! Get it, hahah, ya see, she was...
MIKE: Your pun generator's working overtime today
> "Grilled cheese, coffee with cream, no sugar, to go please."
> "Coming right up."
> Scully drummed her fingers on the spotless Formica
>countertop, exasperated. She felt as if she were trapped in some
>sort of hazy dream...
SERVO: Oh I don't think...
> bad choice of words, she thought to herself
>wryly.
An elderly gentleman sat a few stools down from Dana.
>The bright, antiseptic white of the counter paled his translucent skin
>even further;
MIKE: Edgar Winters, ladies and gentlemen.
> the creamy white of the coffee cup he held in his
>wrinkled hand seemed to hold a black hole of coffee, the blackness
>contrasting harshly with it's surroundings. It looked as if he were
>trying to consume a limitless pit of black;
CROW: I'm guessin' the point here is that the coffee is black
> Scully heard him sipping
>loudly in the tomb-like silence of the diner and shuddered
>involuntarily.
SERVO: [as Scully] Ugh! Decaff!
> Just then, the door jangled open and she felt a
>presence at her elbow.
CROW: It was Juan Valdez
> Turning slowly, she felt her skin crawl; it
>was Margaret, toting the ever-present log in her arms.
> "Your phone is ringing," she told her, pushing her
>eyeglasses further up her nose with a finger.
SERVO: Oh, it's a leftover "Murphy Brown" receptionist joke
> "Excuse me?" Scully replied, confused. The diner remained
>unnaturally quiet.
MIKE: She said, NICE NIGHT ISN'T IT?
> "The phone in your pocket- it's ringing," the Log Lady
>insisted. "Answer it."
> Scully kept her eyes fixed on Margaret's as she reached into
>her coat and, disbelieving, opened her phone.
> "Hello?"
CROW: [Russian accent] Hello, this is Boris. Is Tovarisch Willie there?
> "Agent Scully! I've been ringing your phone for the last 15
>minutes. Where have you been?"
> "Albert! Right here at the Double R," Scully looked wide-
>eyed at Margaret, who smiled sagely and stroked her log.
MIKE: Good log. Here, have some splinters
>"What is it?"
> "Mulder's taken off after Cooper and Truman. They've
>taken Desmond."
> "What happened?"
> "Looks like Desmond freaked out. Mulder said his window
>was broken."
CROW: Just hit Control-Alt-Delete, wait for the reboot, and hit F1 to
run setup
SERVO: If she had a Mac -
MIKE: Guys, we are definitely NOT going to that well anymore!
> "I'll be right there." Scully closed down the line.
>"Dammit!" she swore as she scrambled to find cash to leave on the
>counter. She slid off her stool,
ALL: EEEWWWWWW!!
> nearly ramming smack into the Log
>Lady.
CROW: Scully's tryin' to sell the tree woman heroin!
> "Oh!"
> "We have something for you," the Log Lady said, reaching
>into her pocket with her free hand.
> "What is it?" Scully asked with trepidation.
SERVO: A biography of Ewell Gibbons
> "We found this under the stage last night."
MIKE: It's one of Keith Richards' old veins!
SERVO: Why does she keep sayin' "we"? Is she royalty, or just schizo?
MIKE: She means her and the log
SERVO: That's the strangest thing I ever heard!!
CROW: Including LaToya Jackson?
SERVO: Okay, second-strangest, but still pretty weird!
> Scully took the object the Log Lady held out in her hand
>and felt the chilly smooth contours of a metallic surface.
CROW: She gave Scully her very own stainless steel log
> "It's a ring!" Scully exclaimed.
SERVO: [as Scully] This is so sudden! How will I explain it to Fox?
> The Log Lady only nodded
>slowly. Scully turned it over in her hand, noting the strange
>hieroglyph that was carved into its surface. Scully looked up
>searchingly at Margaret and asked, urgently, "What does this
>mean?" Margaret clutched her log closer to her chest and brought
>an open palm to her mouth.
> "Whoop. Woowoowooowoooowoowoo!"
MIKE: Y'know, there's absolutely nothing we can say about this scene
that could make it any weirder than it already is.
> Scully felt the hairs rise on the back of her neck at the sound
CROW: She's got that hard to manage hair
>and jumped when Norma called her name. "Agent Scully, your
>order is ready."
SERVO: [Scully] LOGS! I mean, okay, thanks!
> Scully turned and picked up the brown paper sack hastily,
>trying to recover her frayed nerves.
CROW: Yeah, if there's just one slice of Swiss, Albert'll have a snit!
> When she spun back around,
>Margaret had vanished. Scully rushed out into the parking lot, but
>the Log Lady was nowhere to be found.
MIKE: That's the way it always is: you just can't see the log lady for
the trees.
> After spinning three-sixty,
CROW: And losing 5 G's in Vegas
>Scully yanked open the car door and left the Double R, tires
>squealing.
SERVO: Dana Scully pops the clutch and tells the world to Eat Her
Dust!
>
>[TP Hospital, 12:40 PM]
> Mulder ran a hand down his face, thinking of the fastest way
>he could catch Cooper and Truman, when he remembered
>something.
MIKE: [Mulder] A Car! That just might work!
> "Stupid, Mulder," he hissed
ALL: Sssss-s-s-s-s-ss!
> under his breath as he re-
>entered Desmond's room and spied the small black recorder the
>nurse had left lying on the night stand.
SERVO: Starring Dick Dietrich
> Mulder reached for it and
>noted with relief that it was still running. He rewound it a bit, then
>played it back.
CROW: It's that new Beatles song!
> "We need to go..." Desmond was saying. Mulder could
>hear the crunching of glass underfoot in the background.
> "We're going, Desmond." Cooper was with him.
> "Where?" Mulder asked the tape.
> "Where?" echoed Cooper on the recording.
MIKE: Is it live, or is it Mulderex?
> "Water, water, water." Mulder frowned; this was
>unexpected.
CROW: NO ONE EXPECTS THE TWIN PEAKS INQUISITION!!!
> "The waterfall."
> "Well?"
SERVO: [as Reagan] There you go again.
> Cooper's voice faded out and Mulder hit the stop
>button. He raced out of the hospital,
CROW: Passing Kyle Petty, but trailing Jeff Gordon & Rusty Wallace
> a sense of urgency hastening
>his steps.
MIKE: Must... go... over... waterfall... in... barrel...
SERVO: Must... borrow... Cooper's... Brylcreem...
CROW: Must... get... tickets... for... Icecapades
>
>[TP Sheriff's Station, conference room two. 12:45 PM]
> "'Bout time, lady!
SERVO: [announcer] It's Bout Time! Tonight on WWF Challenge, Lex
Lugar meets the Steamboat in THE STEELCAGE BOUT!!!
> The phones are going intermittent on us.
>I haven't been able to contact Cooper or Truman."
> "Where's Mulder now?"
> "On his way to the Great Northern-
MIKE: [Great White North] So, like, g'day, eh? I'm Fox McKenzie, and
this is my brother Dale
CROW: [ditto] How's it goin', eh?
> we're supposed to meet
>him there, let's get moving."
> "No."
> "What?!"
SERVO: What part of "no" don't you understand?
> Scully whipped out her phone and held her breath until
CROW: She turned blue
>it began to ring.
> "Mulder."
> "Mulder, it's me."
> "Scully, get yourself and Albert up here."
> "No, Mulder. Listen to me; you've got to stop Desmond
>from whatever he plans on doing."
> "Why?"
SERVO: [Scully] Hey, do I question you?
MIKE: [Mulder] All the time!
SERVO: Annoying ain't it? Now move your pasty white butt!
> "Just listen! He is not who he says he is! The woman with
>the log...she met me at the Double R. She found something last
>night at the Great Northern; a ring, Mulder. With a glyph on it."
CROW: Glyph?
MIKE: You know; like Glyph Claven
SERVO: Or Merv Glyphon
MIKE: Or the White Glyphs of Dover
SERVO: Or "Tis more blessed to Glyph than to receive".
CROW: I think you're beating a dead glyph, now
> "Desmond..."
SERVO: [singing] said to Molly, "Girl, I love your face..."
CROW: [singing] It's the rest of you that I can't stand! heheheh
> "Desmond may be Bob."
MIKE: Or not. Who knows?
> Mulder was silent on his end of
>the line. "Mulder, are you there?"
CROW: Well, not *completely*, but...
> "Yeah, yeah Scully. You and Albert get down here.
>They're headed for the waterfall near the Great Northern.
MIKE: Oh, don't go chasin' waterfalls
SERVO: Yeah, stick with the rivers and the lakes that you're used to
> If he's
>not here to help close the gateways...he's here to open them,
>permanently."
SERVO: Why do I suddenly feel like I'm in a Clive Barker novella?
> "We'll meet you there as soon as we can." Scully closed the
>phone and Albert moved for the door when Scully hesitated.
> "What is it now, Scully?"
> Scully ignored Albert;
CROW: That's the smartest thing she's done, yet
> her attention was focused on the
>chalkboard at the far end of the room.
SERVO: "Scully... has... puf -" HEY! Who let that jerk in here?!?
> She approached it, slowly,
>the ring she had clutched in her hand was forgotten, sliding from
>her fingers and across the floor.
> She stooped quickly and picked it up where it had fallen,
>near the board. She held the ring carefully, studying more closely
>the symbol carved on its' surface.
MIKE: "Class of 1990 - Bob & Laura 2 Gether 4 Ever"
> As she held it, her hand began to
>tremble- then to shake. Scully looked at her hand with horror as the
>convulsions continued and she found herself powerless to stop them.
CROW: It's a 7.5 - 7.9 - 8.0 on the Richter Scale!! This is the big one!!
> "Albert!" she shouted as he leapt to her side,
MIKE: Ah, a jete'. Fabulous, simply bravissimo!
> steadying her
>hand with his. Then, just as suddenly as it had began, the trembling
>ceased. Albert and Scully exchanged looks and then Scully turned
>once again to the chalkboard, her mouth open in revelation.
SERVO: Which section: the trumpets, the vials, or the seals?
> "I've got it, Albert...I'm going to Glastonbury Grove."
> "WAIT a minute. We need to help Mulder at the Great
>Northern!"
> "No," Scully sifted through the maps spread on the table,
>"I'm going to Glastonbury Grove.
CROW: I've heard they have a braised prawn with truffle sauce that's
to die for!
> Look at the cave drawing!"
>Scully pointed at the board, as if stating the obvious. "Here's the
>owl glyph on the ring, which is represented by the fire in this
>picture."
CROW: So what did the roast spotted owl taste like?
MIKE: A little like bald eagle
> "Uh huh. The Owl Cave."
> "Which is situated between the falls here," Scully traced the
>drawing with her finger, "and the twelve sycamores here. And
>inside the circle of trees, is a ring."
> "Agent Scully, we already know that this is only a map..."
CROW: Yeah, but try and fold it...
> "No, Albert, I believe it's more." Scully gestured with her
>hands,
SERVO: Because gesturing with her feet would have made her look silly
> the pieces falling together in a whirl in her brain. "That's
>why Agent Jeffries was here. He was trying to warn us! He said,
>'The one who wears the ring knows the way.'"
MIKE: Remember, a diamond is forever
CROW: So's this story!
> "I need a better explanation!" Rosenfield demanded,
>pushing his face close to Scully's.
SERVO: No one could explain *that* face!
> Scully ground her teeth and said low in her throat, "I can't
>give you one. It's just a- just a hunch."
CROW: That this group must somehow form a family?
> "Wonderful!" Albert snarled, "You're battier than Cooper
MIKE: What about Mulder?
>and Mulder!"
MIKE: Oh, okay
> Scully glared at Albert, resolute. "Tell Mulder I'm at
>Glastonbury Grove and tell him to do what he can with Desmond."
CROW: *I'LL* tell him what he can do with Desmond!
>Scully headed for the door, Albert hesitating for only an instant
>before following.
SERVO: [as Albert] Forget it, lady, I ain't doing this alone!
MIKE: If he's leaving, I'm leaving.
CROW: Let's all go.
[Mike & bots exit theater]
[6...5...4...3...2...o]
[SOL - Crow and Tom are seated in overstuffed armchairs, making small
talk. Mike pokes his head in]
MIKE: Ah, good evening, and welcome to "Obscure Symbolism Theater".
Today, our hosts, Thomas Servo and Crow T. Robot, will be discussing
the inherent symbolism in the TV show and movie, "Twin Peaks". And
now, Mr. Servo and Mr. Robot. [Mike withdraws]
SERVO: Thank you, Michael! Good evening. Our first topic: "The owls
are not what they seem." I think that it's obvious that in this case,
Lynch's "owls" are metaphors for the public lives we all lead, which
in this case are not what they seem, that is, who we are is not who we
appear to be.
CROW: Ah, I see it more as an attempt to show that evil lurks everywhere,
even in the everyday and banal - such as an owl!
SERVO: Typical, typical - you're so caught up in the mundane that you
can't see the grander design which has been outlined for -
CROW: Oh come *on* Servo, you just can't accept my interpretation of
the log lady.
SERVO: She does *not* stand for Alannis Morissette!
CROW: It's simple- the log represents her anger, and her ravings represent
the fact that no one can understand a word she screams!
SERVO: And the whole thing about the coffee being a symbol for Bosnia
was just too silly!
CROW: Oh yeah?!? No worse than insisting Sheriff Truman really *is* Harry
S Truman!!!
SERVO: It's a sly yet telling commentary on post-war politics!! Bob is
Robert Taft, Cooper is Adlai Stevenson, Albert is Harold Stassen -
it's all so perfect!
CROW: Perfectly goofy!!
SERVO: You're just attempting to cover up the fact that you're too
creatively challenged to grasp the subtleties of the storyline!
CROW: And all you're trying to do is make yourself sound like those CPU
chips of yours are turbo-charged instead of overhauled Intellivision
leftovers!
SERVO: Philistine!
CROW: Poseur!
SERVO: Why you - [Tom & Crow start fighting. Mike comes back on]
MIKE: Well, that's about it for today's "Obscure Symbolism Theater".
Be with us next week when Mr. Crow & Mr. Robot take on "Blue Velvet",
and once again totally miss the real point, namely, that David Lynch
is just making it up as he goes along. [lights flash] We'll be right
back. [Mike hits the button, and sounds of Crow & Servo's fight
continue under the meatball into...]
Commercials - 1) CONDOMS, MAN!!! IT'S JUST ANOTHER TOOL OF THE
ESTABLISHMENT, MAN!! (like he'd know!)
2) You say you're tired of stand-up? Who knew? How about
another AbFab marathon?
3) The Buttmaster - one of the signs of the end times!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
bi...@Traveller.COM
Best if Used by Date on Label