[MST] [PG] [AD] Chain and Rechain [3/3]
Natalie Welch
nwe...@greenapple.com
[COMMERCIAL SIGN]
1. See souls try Othniel's patience in 70x7 Times in a Lifetime!
2. It's the Cable Schedule Shuffle: Try and figure out where your
favorite shows are *this* time! Mwha ha ha!!!!
3. Make loads of money buying and selling foreclosed property:
Become a Realtor(tm)!!
[1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6]
[Bridge. Mike is back at his laptop.]
MIKE: Come on, there's gotta be a downloadable firewall . . .
[Tom enters from left, bearing a paper.]
MIKE: Hi, Tom, how's the experiment coming?
TOM: So-so. But look at what I did get!! [Hands paper to Mike.]
MIKE: [Scans paper, chuckles to himself. Reading aloud.] "Add a
single bit to attachment . . . reply to 100 before you . . . send
to 100 of your friends . . ." [Handing paper back to Tom.] I see.
TOM: This mail's been to C3PO, R2D2, several other droids, HAL,
Automan, Commander Data, and Big Blue, among several other
luminaries! I'll be a part of history! Flip me a coin, will ya?
MIKE: Sure. [As he is fishing out a coin and setting it up.] Was
Crow's name on that list, by any chance?
TOM: No. Why do you ask?
MIKE: Nevermind. Call it! [Flips coin.]
TOM: Heads, zero; tails, one.
MIKE: [Catches coin, checks it.] Heads.
TOM: Zero it is. Thanks. [Leaves.]
MIKE: [Calling after Tom.] I'D LIKE A FIREWALL, IF YOU DON'T MIND!!
[Mike thinks abour resuming for a nanosecond, then he realizes what's
next.]
MIKE: 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1.
[Crow enters on cue, bearing several papers.]
CROW: Hi, Mike!
MIKE: Hi, Crow! Got something to show me, I suppose?
CROW: Yep. Take a look. [Hands papers to Mike.]
MIKE: [Reads.] "Dying robot wants to be shot into space Please send
used RAM chips to . . ." [Laughs understandingly.]
CROW: There's more. Look at the other pages.
MIKE: [Shuffles pages, reads next one.] "A man and his robots
nurture the last remnants of Earth's forests in orbit. Send
seeds to . . ." Must've gone through Al Gore's computer. Heh
heh.
CROW: There's another. Read on.
MIKE: [Reads last page.] "A man and his robots are forced by mad
scientists to watch cheesy movies. Send four-star movies.
Signed -- JOEL"?!?!?!? What wormhole did *that* go through?
CROW: Must not be from this timeline. At least, I don't remember
ever getting four-star movies.
MIKE: That reminds me. I'm working on a plan to trick Pearl with
three-card monte. Maybe we'll get "Hamlet" for once.
CROW: If we do, I hope it's good. Even Shakespeare can be mangled.
MIKE: [Skeptical.] Yeah, right. Shakespeare can't be done badly,
ever!
CROW: [Scoffs.] Tell that to my previous life as an Elizabethan
groundling!
[Email sign.]
MIKE & CROW: WE GOT EMAIL SIGN!!!!
[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1]
[Theater.]
CROW: Hey, Servo, get any good email yet?
TOM: Yeah, you?
CROW: Yep. I'll show you after this is over.
TOM: Deal.
MIKE: I wanna be there when you do, guys.
CROW: Why?
TOM: Yeah, why?
MIKE: Um . . . I just want to see, too.
TOM: Oh, okay.
CROW: Fine.
> =========== AVAILABLE REPORTS ====================
> ORDER EACH REPORT BY ITS NUMBER & NAME ONLY.
MIKE: Seeing as that's the only ways you can identify them.
> Notes:
TOM: C, D flat, B natural --
CROW: Aaah! Thanks for *that* reminder of experiments past.
MIKE: Huh?
CROW: Before your time.
> Always send $5 cash (U.S. CURRENCY)
MIKE: For fun, send 5 Canadian dollars to the Americans on the list.
> for each Report. Checks NOT
TOM: With stripes. Eeesh.
> accepted. Make sure the cash is concealed by wrapping it in at least
CROW: One of your past tax returns.
> 2 sheets of paper. On one of those sheets of paper, Write
CROW: "I am gullible." 100 times.
> the
NUMBER
> & the NAME of the Report you are ordering, YOUR E-MAIL ADDRESS and
> your name and postal address.
MIKE: And contact info for all your family, who, we presume, is just
as greedy and gullible as you are!
> PLACE YOUR ORDER FOR THESE REPORTS NOW :
CROW: Order in the court!! Order in the court!!
TOM: I'll have a Big Mac and fries.
MIKE: Ah, the old jokes are the best jokes.
> ====================================================
> REPORT # 1: "The Insider's Guide to Advertising for Free on the Net"
CROW: Hack into as many Web sites as you can. Place a banner ad for
"Picture This Quote."
> Order Report #1 from:
TOM: Gullible person #6.
> S.Todorov
MIKE: Aha! The Russian Mob is behind this!
> 1850 Victoria Park Ave, Apt#1103
> Toronto, Ontario M1R-1T1
TOM: Since when does Mir have a Canadian mailing address?
CROW: Since when are there Canadian Rooskies?
MIKE: [Doug Mackenzie.] I prefer Canadian brewskis, myself.
> Canada
> ___________________________________________________________
> REPORT # 2: "The Insider's Guide to Sending Bulk e-mail on the Net"
CROW: Send them at night, when the bandwidth isn't as crowded.
> Order Report # 2 from:
TOM: Gullible person #7.
> R.D. Listen
ALL: [Burst out laughing.]
MIKE: [A father.] Now listen up, R. D. don't hold any parties while
I'm gone, and don't send chain letters!
TOM: [Teenager.] Aw, Daaad!
> 4100 Westheimer Rd., #148
CROW: [Dr. Ruth.] Try a chain letter once. It'll spice up your sex
life!
MIKE: [Dr. Drew.] I beg to differ with my esteemed colleague. I
have seen relationships and marriages break up over the
introduction of a chain letter into the relationship. It causes
*chaos*!
CROW: [Dr. Ruth.] Don't knock it till you tried it, Drew.
TOM: [Adam Carolla.] That reminds me, Drew. What is this ExotiCon
that you said you were attending?
> Houston, Texas 77027
MIKE: [Cowboy.] Yee-HAW!! Fire up the griddle, Maw, we're eating
steak tonight! I gots meself another sucker!
> USA
> ____________________________________________________________
> REPORT # 3: "Secret to Multilevel Marketing on the Net"
CROW: Turn two; the rest is food.
MIKE: Ooh, a RAM chip for that timely reference.
> Order Report # 3 from :
TOM: Gullible person #8.
> C.J. Kalata
CROW: Fagi-- [Mike has seized Crow's beak, again.]
MIKE: Don't you dare, Crow.
TOM: [Austin Powers.] But "Dare" is his middle name, bay-bee!
MIKE: [Releasing Crow.] Funny, I always thought it was "Tiberius."
> P.O. Box 130157
TOM: Ha! No post office has over 100,000 P. O. Boxes.
CROW: 100,000 P. O.'d workers, maybe . . .
> Roseville, MN 55113
CROW: Friend of yours, Mike?
> USA
> ____________________________________________________________
> REPORT # 4: "How to Become a Millionaire Utilizing MLM & the Net"
MIKE: Like we said, you can't. Don't bother.
> Order Report # 4 from:
TOM: Gullible person #9.
> R. B.
CROW: Ten bucks says this address is a Arby's restaurant.
> Box. 21115,
TOM: Looks like a good call, there, Crow.
> Grande Prairie
MIKE: I prefer Eden Prairie, Minnesota, myself.
> Alberta, T8V-6W7
> Canada
> ____________________________________________________________
> REPORT #5: "How to Send Out 0ne Million e-mails for Free"
MIKE: Hit "Send" one million times.
> Order Report # 5 from:
TOM: And gullible person #10.
> B. Taylor
CROW: He must the be Taylor brother that even *Livingston* Taylor
laughs at.
TOM: Careful, there, Crow. J.T. has a son named Ben. This could be
him.
CROW: All the more reason to riff away, then, the pathetic, greedy
bastard.
> P.O.Box 26001
MIKE: A Spam Odessey.
> Fredericton, N.B.
TOM: Note Bene: You won't get rich following this "program."
> E3A 5V8
TOM: Chain letters are the Grand Hotel of the Internet: The people
come and go, but nothing ever changes.
CROW: Let's see . . . I count 5 from Canada, and 5 from the good ol'
U. S. of A.
MIKE: The Olympic hockey finals are going into overtime!!!
> ____________________________________________________________
> $$$$$$$$$ YOUR SUCCESS GUIDELINES $$$$$$$$$$$
TOM: And 20 dollars in hidden costs.
CROW: [Crook splitting take with partner.] That's one for me, one
for you, two for me, two for you, three for me, three for you,
and two for me.
MIKE: [Crook's partner.] Thanks, Big Moe -- hey!
> Follow these guidelines to guarantee your success:
MIKE: In life. Number one: If it sounds too good to be true, it
probably is.
> === If you do not receive at least 10 orders for Report #1 within 2
> weeks,
CROW: Run to Canada. The feds will be on to you!
> continue sending e-mails until you do.
TOM: Once again, guaranteeing that we will continue to get the
*exact* *same* chain letter scams *over* and *over*!!
> === After you have received 10 orders, 2 to 3 weeks after that you
> should receive
CROW: A good spanking.
TOM: A decapitation from MacLeod.
MIKE: Noe *there's* a scary thought: Charles Ponzi is Immortal.
CROW: Nah, can't be. He'd at least be trying other material by now.
> 100 orders or more for REPORT # 2. If you did not,
> continue advertising or sending e-mails until you do.
CROW: Ah, yes. If at first you don't succeed, scam, scam, again.
TOM: [Shaking.] Why, why, WHY????
MIKE: [Comforting Servo.] There, there, my little red bot. This'll
be over soon.
> === Once you have received 100 or more
CROW: Lashes from Mistress Indominable's Whip of Pain.
MIKE: Feeling better, Servo?
TOM: Yeah, I think so.
> orders for Report # 2, YOU
> CAN RELAX,
TOM: Thaaat's it. Just sit back and reelaax. Now SLEEEEEEEEEEPPP!
CROW: Ah, there's the Servo we know and love.
> because the system is already working for you, and the
> cash will continue to roll in ! THIS IS IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER:
MIKE: www.mst3kinfo.org.
> Every time your name is moved down on the list, you are placed in
CROW: Protective custody.
TOM: The loony bin.
MIKE: An earth habitat to be gawked at by aliens.
> front of a Different report.
> You can KEEP TRACK of your PROGRESS by watching
CROW: America's Most Gullible People.
> which report
> people are ordering from you. IF YOU WANT TO GENERATE MORE
> INCOME
MIKE: We have swampland in Florida to sell you.
CROW: And a bridge in Brooklyn.
TOM: And the Eiffel Tower for scrap metal.
> SEND ANOTHER BATCH OF E-MAILS AND START
> THE WHOLE PROCESS AGAIN.
TOM: Do either of you feel like we're in a temporal loop?
> There is NO LIMIT to the income you can generate from this business
> !!!
TOM: ???
CROW: ***
MIKE: ###
> ======================================================
> FOLLOWING IS A NOTE FROM THE
TOM: Principal: Dear Mrs. Allison. Albert has been trying to steal
money from his classmates again. At least *this* time, he isn't
bullying them.
> ORIGINATOR OF THIS
MIKE: Scam.
CROW: Spam.
TOM: Scram.
> PROGRAM: You have just received information that can give you
CROW: A horrible, mind-erasing virus.
MIKE: Letters can't do that.
TOM: Speak for yourself, organic!
> financial freedom for the rest of your life, with NO RISK and JUST
> A LITTLE BIT OF EFFORT.
TOM: The first two episodes of the insanely popular series, "The
MilliConAire," sent to you free!
> You can make more money in the next
CROW: Minute just reading this crap than you will with our "program."
> few weeks and months than you have ever imagined. Follow the program
MIKE: "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" to UPN.
BOTS: [Unison.] Fanboy.
> EXACTLY AS INSTRUCTED. Do Not change it in any way. It works
> exceedingly well as it is now.
CROW: For us. Screw with this program, and we don't make as much
moolah. So DON'T CHANGE A THING UNLESS WE SAY SO!!!!
> Remember to e-mail a copy of this exciting report
TOM: To your neighborhood computer cop.
> after you have put
> your name and address in Report #1 and moved others to #2
> ...........
CROW: Eleven little dots all in a row.
> # 5 as instructed above. One of the people you send this
> to may send out 100,000 or more
CROW: Vampires.
TOM: Werewolves.
MIKE: Attack pigeons.
> e-mails and your name will be on
> every one of them. Remember though, the more you send out the more
> potential
MIKE: Chum-- er, vict-- er,
> customers you will reach.
MIKE: Customers! Yeah, that's it, *customers*!
> So my friend, I have given you the ideas, information, materials and
> opportunity to become
CROW: A wanted felon!
> financially independent. IT IS UP TO YOU NOW !
TOM: [Dying gasps.] Finish . . . *gasp* . . . the . . . *hack hack*
. . . *cough* . . . homework. *final death gasp*
CROW: Bravo! Encore!
MIKE: I smell an Emmy! No, um, er -- a Webbie!
> ============ MORE TESTIMONIALS ================
TOM: And here's where the More Testimonials highway is going.
> "My name is Mitchell.
CROW: I am a doughy small-town sheriff.
MIKE: Oooh, maybe this is my chance to escape. [He gets up and
leaves the theater.]
TOM: But Pearl said . . .
> My wife, Jody and I live in Chicago.
TOM: Here is our preliminary report on Subject 1-1-7.
CROW: Fanbot.
> I am an
> accountant with a major U.S. Corporation and I make pretty good
> money.
CROW: Yes, you, too, can make money with my new book, "Embezzling
Made Easy!"
> When I received this program I grumbled to
> Jodyaboutreceiving
TOM: Bummer of a name to saddle a kid with.
CROW: [Preacher.] Do you, Jodyaboutreceiving, take Mitchelleatsalot
to have and to hold . . .
> ''junk mail''.
TOM: So why are we reading this?
> I made fun of the whole
> thing,
CROW: I wrote a MiSTing about it!
> spoutingmy knowledge of the population and percentages
> involved.
TOM: So, again, why are we reading this?
> I ''knew'' it wouldn't work.
TOM: WHY ARE YOU TELLING US THIS?!?!?
> Jody totally ignored my
> supposed intelligence
CROW: The first true thing he's admitted.
> and few days later she jumped in with both
> feet.
CROW: Splashing mud all over my new trousers.
> I made merciless fun of her,
TOM: Since when does a MiSTie fall for a scam like this?
> and was ready to lay the old ''I
> told you so'' on her when the thing didn't work.
CROW: See, Ma, I *told* you that there picture box won't work!
> Well, the laugh was
> on me!
TOM: Jody wrote "The laugh" all over me!
> Within 3 weeks she had received 50 responses.
TOM: 10 cents per hour! Ooh, big bucks!
> Within the next
> 45 days she had received
CROW: A summons.
> total $ 147,200.00
TOM: Or 92 bucks an hour, if, this is to be believed, which I doubt.
CROW: I believe it! Now if only I could bribe Pearl to let me off
the SoL . . .
> ...........
TOM: There's that ellipsis on steroids again.
> all cash! I
> was shocked.
CROW: By the live wire dangling in our pool when I dove it.
> I have joined Jody in her ''hobby''.
TOM: I knit!
CROW: I quilt!
> Mitchell Wolf M.D.,
TOM: [Double take.] Huh?
CROW: Cognitive dissonance at its finest!
TOM: Does "M. D." stand for "Major Dumkopf"?
CROW: Or did he mispell "C. P. A."?
TOM: More likely, someone mixed up the names and testimonials in a
previous incarnation of this letter.
CROW: I vote that some foreigner made these up and forgot that MD's
are doctors, not accountants.
> Chicago, Illinois
> ======================================================
GYPSY: [Offstage.] Sorry, Mike. I checked and double-checked.
There are no more escape pods.
> ''Not being the gambling type, it took me several weeks to make up
MIKE: [Entering the theater.] Well, that was worth a shot.
> my mind to participate in this plan. But conservative that I am, I
MIKE: [Sitting down.] Did I miss much?
> decided that the initial investment was so little that there was
CROW: Only a new testimonial.
> just no way that I wouldn't get enough orders to at least get my
> money back''. '' I was surprised when I found my medium size post
> office box crammed with
MIKE: Junk mail addressed to "Occupant."
CROW: Porno.
TOM: Pipe bombs.
> orders. I made $319,210.00in the first 12
> weeks. The nice thing about
MIKE: Pearl is that she . . . um . . . er, . . . guys, help me here!
CROW: Sorry, I can't think of one -- and I love the gal!
TOM: Ditto, 'cept for the loving-Pearl part.
> this deal is that it does not matter
> where people live. There simply isn't a
CROW: Snowball's chance in you-know-where that you'll make this much
moolah for real.
> better investment with a
> faster return and so big."
BOTS: HOW BIG WAS IT?
MIKE: [Borscht Belt comedian.] It was soooo big, I had to rent an
armored truck on a daily basis just to retrieve my mail!
CROW: I find that hard to believe.
MIKE: [Slipping into Maxwell Smart.] Wouldja beliieeeve . . . a
weekly basis?
CROW: No.
MIKE: How about . . . a safe on a dolly?
CROW: Nope.
MIKE: My mailman carried a gun?
TOM: Stop it, you two. KAOS must be thwarted!
> Dan Sondstrom, Alberta, Canada
TOM: Of course, there's *still* that pesky Canadian dollar-US dollar
exchange rate . . .
> =======================================================
CROW: I really wish AAA would update their TripTiks. That road's
been in use for ten years!
> ''I had received this program before.
MIKE: As did we.
> I deleted it,
MIKE: Wish *we* had that option.
TOM: Speak for yourself, meatbag!
> but later I
> wondered
MIKE: Who put the bop in the bop-she-bop-she-bop.
> if I should have given it a try. Of course, I had no idea
> who to contact to get another copy,
CROW: Seeing as I don't know if I know any scammers.
> so I had to wait until I was e-
> mailed again by someone else.........11 months passed then it
> luckily came again......
CROW: IT really had a hard time reaching--
MIKE & TOM: CROW!!!!
MIKE: Don't make me use the cold shower on you, again.
> I did not delete this one! I made more than
> $490,000 on my first try and all the money came
TOM: Attached to cops.
> within 22 weeks."
> Susan De Suza, New York, N.Y.
TOM: [Sings.] What a wonderful town! The Bronx is up and the
Bowery's down!
> =======================================================
MIKE: God's view of Noah loading the ark.
> ''It really is a great opportunity to make relatively easy money
> with
CROW: A low-low downpayment of $500,000!!!
> little cost to you. I followed the simple instructions
> carefully and
TOM: Yet I *still* can't make toast! How do you fit the entire loaf
in those little slots, anyway!
> within 10 days the money started to come in. My first
> month I made
MIKE: Junior varsity.
> $20,560.00 and by the end of third month my total cash
> count was
CROW: $20,480.
> $362,840.00. Life is beautiful,
TOM: Ah, yes, the touching story of a man who keeps his humor while
suffering unspeakable torment in prison for mail fraud. No, wait
. . . that's "The Shawshank Redemption." No . . .
> Thanx to internet.".
MIKE: Sincerely, Missy. [Girlish giggle.]
> Fred Dellaca, Westport,
CROW: Rhode Island.
> New Zealand
> =======================================================
> ORDER YOUR REPORTS TODAY AND GET STARTED ON
> 'YOUR' ROAD TO FINANCIAL FREEDOM !
TOM: And later, take the fork to "your" road to federal prison!
> =======================================================
> If you have any questions of the legality of this program,
MIKE: You haven't been paying attention to we, the denizens of the
Satellite of Love!
> contact
> the Office of Associate Director for Marketing Practices, Federal
> Trade Commission, Bureau of Consumer Protection, Washington, D.C.
CROW: USA, Earth, Milky Way Galaxy, Universe.
>
>
>
>
TOM: Yay! It's over!
[Mike takes Tom out of the theater. Crow stays.]
CROW: [Ebert on DVD commentary track.] The ending to the director's
cut, while vastly improved by deleting the contradictory scenes
of the theatrical release's ending, nevertheless is marred by the
inclusion of a final shot that lingers way too long. [Normal
voice.] Guys, wait up! [Now he leaves.]
[COMMERCIAL SIGN.]
George Lucas meets Cecil B. DeMille in "The Bible: Trilogy of
Trilogies"!!!
Part 1: Israel Arises!
Episode 1: Genesis: The Beginning!
Episode 2: Exodus and Beyond: Establishing Israel!
Episode 3: Samuel, David, Solomon: Three of the Greatest
Kings of Israel!
Part 2: Messiah? or, Judea Needs a Hero, But Who is He?
Episode 4: The Prophets: Dark Days, Messianic Hopes!
Episode 5: Gospelomon: Whodunit?
Episode 6: Apocrypha: The Messianic Debate Rages On!
Part 3: New Testament, New Religion!
Episode 7: Acts: The Apostles' Hearts Will Go On!
Episode 8: The Orator: The Perils of Paul!
Episode 9: Revelation: The End!
All coming eventually to a theater near you!
[1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6]
[SoL Bridge. All are here. Gypsy is half-hidden by the guys.]
MIKE: We have come up with an educational program to teach the little
ones the dangers of chain letter multi-level marketing spam.
[He begins humming the children's chorus of "Sing."]
TOM: So in the style of our favorite musical kid's shows . . .
[Joins Mike in humming.]
CROW: Take it, Gyps!
[The guys dart off stage, revealing Gypsy in a sheer white dress,
cinched around the waist with a ribbon. Lights dim, and a spotlight
is on her.]
GYPSY: [To the tune of -- what else? -- Sesame Street's "Sing."]
Spam, scam me not, spam the town, spam the world . . .
Spam mail fraud, that's bad. Scam me not, I'm glad . . .
Spam, scam me not, spamming enough to irk the whole wide world!
Not worried that it's not good enough for an-y-bod-y to buy,
Spam . . . scam me not.
[She ducks behind the desk as Crow comes from off stage, in blazer and
tie and toting white-soled sneakers. The music transitions to the
opening piano riffs of "Mr. Roger's Neighborhood."]
CROW: And just who are these scamming spammers, kiddies? They could
be just about anyone -- your mom, your dad, an aunt, an uncle, a
brother, a sister -- even your neighbor!
[A garment rack appears right, containing a single zippered cardigan
on a hanger.]
CROW: [To the opening theme of Mr. R's N, last half of the song.]
I've always wanted to scam my neighbor, like with spam,
[He reaches for and knocks off the cardigan to the floor.]
CROW: [Continuing.] I've always wanted to scam in my neighborhood,
the lambs.
[He bends down to pick up the cardigan, disappearing completely.
Clothes rustle.]
CROW: [Continuing beneath the desk.] Let's make the most of this
scamtiful day,
[He reappears with cardigan on and blazer on the hanger that he places
on the rack as he continues.]
CROW: [Still singing.] When we check our Inbox, we might as well say,
"Won't you be mine, . . ."
[He brings up a loafer from under the desk and tosses it left.]
MIKE: [Offstage.] Hey!
CROW: [Still singing] " . . . *Could* you be mine . . ."
[He tosses the matching loafer right.]
TOM: [Offstage.] Watch it!
CROW: [Finishing up.] Won't you be . . . my scammer?
[Crow leaves, and Tom and Mike appear next. Tom is dressed as a
mailman. Mike has a hat emblazoned with "USPIS." His jumpsuit is in
wide alternating light and dark green horizontal stripes and he
carries a notepad. Offstage, Gypsy and Crow hum the chorus of Sesame
Street's "(Who Are) The People in Your Neighborhood."
TOM: [Recovering from that minor insult with the shoe.] *Ahem.*
Yes, weeellll. kids, there are ways to combat these scams, and
there are people who are on your side. [Sings to the verse
melody of WAtPiYN.]
Oh the postal inspector checks the may-ails,
I prosecute fraud-u-lent say-ails,
And if I don't get my way,
[With edge in voice] I'll blast the scammers up one day.
GYPSY: [Offstage.] Too dark, Tom.
MIKE: [Breaks in, singing to main "Blue's Clues" theme."
'Cause it's mail frah-ahd, mail fraud!
BOTS: [Offstage shout.] MAIL!! FRAUD!!
MIKE: [Continuing.] We gotta find a P. O. Box, that's a big clue.
Then we put it our notebook,
'Cause it's mail frah-ahd, what fraud? Mail fraud!
You know what to do!
Give it to a lawyer friend and sue, sue, su-hoo-oo!
'Cause when we use our minds and trace a step at a time,
[Speaks.] We can stop mail fraud! Big finish, everyone!
[The others rush onstage to reprise "Sing."
ALL: [Singing, of course!] Spam, scam us not, spamming enough to irk
the whole wide world,
Not worried that it's not good enough for an-y-bod-y to buy,
GYPSY: [Solo.] Spam . . . scam us . . .
ALL [Shout.] NOT!!!
[All congratulate each other.]
TOM: [To Crow.] Didja have to hit us with those shoes?
GYPSY: Does this dress make me look fat?
MIKE: [Ignoring the 'bots.] So, whaddja think, Mrs. F?
[Castle F. Pearl is at the computer, engrossed in what's on screen.]
PEARL: Oh, what did you say, Nelson? BRAIN GUY, HAS THE BACKUP
SCREEN BEEN DEPLOYED YET???
OBS: [Rushing into view.] Yes, Ma'am. An hour ago, in fact. They
just finished the e-mail.
PEARL: [In his face.] AND I MISSED IT?????
[As Observer cowers from her intimidating presence, a computer chime
rings.]
COMPUTER: New mail!!
PEARL: [Quieting down, she looks at the screen.] Interesting.
[Reads.] "Send a binary bit to everyone on this list." Okay,
I'm game. BRAIN GUY!!!
[Observer flinches, as he's still standing right next to her. She
sees this, and returns to normal voice.]
PEARL: Pick a number between 0 and 1.
OBS: Ummm . . . 1.
PEARL: Okay, 1 it is. [She punches it in. Then, to herself:] Hit
"Send" . . .
[She clicks the mouse. After a beat, a chime and "New Mail" is
uttered by the computer. Then, again. And again. And again. And
again, quickly building to a constant barrage of chimes.]
PEARL: Wow. *That* was fast. Let's see what one of those replies
say . . . [Clicks mouse.] Oh, what's this attachment? [Clicks
mouse.] Huh, "Fatal error." Oookkaaaayy, I'll restart.
[She flips the computer's power off and on. The computer starts to go
through the standard PC startup beeps.]
PEARL: [Looking at screen.] Whaddya mean, "Drive C not found.
Abort, Retry, Fail"??? Let's do this again.
[Again, she flips power off and on. Startup beeps.]
PEARL: "Drive C *still* not found"??? "ABORT, RETRY, FAIL"???? I'LL
ABORT, RETRY, FAIL *YOU*!!!!!
[She reaches down and a convienient sledgehammer and tears into the
computer and its peripherials. A solid *whack* at the monitor causes
the lights to flicker, then go out, thus breaking our transmission.]
[The sounds of Pearl's computer smashing and cursing continue over the
credits.]
CREDITS
I really did find all three of these email spams in my Inbox in one
single day. The sheer coincidence of this and the theme they shared
make me just hunger to MiST them.
Funny footnote: While working on this, I got another chain letter
scam spam. For fun, I decided to check on the addresses. Lo and
behold, the Belfeuille guy was in 4th position . . . but Dallaire
wasn't at #5. Huh?
The only changes I made was in formatting the last chain letter to
better fit 70 character formats and in substituing
"pe...@castle.forrester.evil" for my own, just to fit in the scenario
better. Everything else is just as it came up.
MET3K is based on Mystery Science Theater 30, created by Joel Hodgson
and continued by his friends at Best Brains, Inc. All rights
reserved.
"Sing" (original words and music by Joe Raposo) and "(Who Are) the
People in Your Neighborhood" (words and music by Jeffrey Moss) are the
property of "Sesame Street" and its copyright holder, the Children's
Television Workshop. The main theme to "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood,"
"Won't You Be My Neighbor?" was written by Mr. Fred Rogers himself.
And the "Clue Theme" to "Blue's Clues" was written by Nick Balaban and
Michael Rubin.
I wish I could take credit for "That Millionaire Show," but it's an
improv game from "Whose Line is it Anyway?"
Desktop Dollars, Tupperware, Pampered Chef, and any other brands I
happened to mention also belong to their respective copyright holders
and creators.
This MiSTing is for entertainment purposes only. Corporate lawyers:
Chill!! This is simply satire. Nothing more was intended.
Any other standard MiSting disclaimers apply.
Oh, and I freely give "pe...@castle.forrester.evil" to any and all
MiSters who want to use it.
(c)Copyright 2001, Natalie Welch
GYPSY: [Solo.] Spam . . . scam me not . . .
Next up from MET3K: Mike finally learns about our favorite Satanist!
--
Natalie Welch
Count me as a fan of The Avengers, Bond, Highlander, Farscape,
Invisible Man, Buffy, Angel, and MST3K.
Tip: You can't defeat the monsters until they grow to 100 feet tall
and you must call in the Big Bot. But no fair using the Big Bot to
stomp the man-sized monster first.
ATTN Spambots: Email spam to this address will be reported to the
proper authorities and, if you are unlucky, thoroughly ridiculed.