MiSTed: "True Origin of Nathan Mallard" (MiSt on the Ghost Planet)

[Jen White6]

MiSTed: "True Origin of Nathan Mallard"
Original Story by Elizabeth Berndt
MiSTing by JenW...@aol.com

[Interior, The Green Room in the Ghost Planet Industries building on
a Friday night. The place looks like an office break room, with a
few vending machines, a worse-for-wear microwave, and some furniture
that looks to have been cast-off from various sources. One side of
the room is dominated by a large screen, which shows the empty set
of "Space Ghost Coast to Coast". Brak is setting a bag of popcorn
in the microwave. Tansit is getting candy from the vending machine.
Lokar is scowling, as is his wont.]

[Cut to a view of this room, seen on Moltar's monitor. Moltar is
watching the scene, his hand on a lever.]

Zorak: [o.s.] Moltar!

[Moltar flips the lever. We now see Zorak in his keyboard on the
"Coast to Coast" set. The rest of the band is not yet in place.]

Moltar: Yeah?
Zorak: Are they ready?

[Moltar flips the lever, returning the view of the Green Room to the
monitor. Brak, Tansit, and Lokar are still doing nothing in
particular. After a pause, Moltar flips back to Zorak, who we now
see in close-up.]

Moltar: Yeah. I guess so.
Zorak: Put me through!

[Green Room. Zorak's face appears in the large monitor.]

Zorak: Greetings! I have a special treat for you three!
Lokar: Oh, not another supposedly-vaguely-cultured guest for
tonight's fiasco.
Zorak: Nope.
Tansit: [hopefully] They want an announcer?
Zorak: HAH! No, you won't be watching Space Ghost at all today!
Lokar: [dryly] That is a rare treat indeed.

[The doors in the room slam shut. We hear the clicking of bolts,
sealing them in. Lokar and Tansit look around, alarmed. The
microwave dings, and Brak takes out the popcorn bag and dumps the
contents into a bowl.]

Zorak: I've found something SPECIAL for you! It's a wonderful
little story I found on the internet, about some cartoon ducks!
Lokar: Just so long as it's not a talk show.
Zorak: Get comfy, because you're in for the longest fifteen
minutes of your lives! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!

[As Zorak cackles Brak sits down in front of the monitor, the
popcorn bowl in hand. Tansit sits by him and takes some popcorn,
then looks at it in puzzlement, wondering how to get it through his
helmet.]

Tansit: He's locked us in here to read a *story*?
Lokar: [also sitting down] His concept of evil has faded since
1966.

[On the monitor screen the narrative begins to scroll...]

> True Origin of Nathan Mallard

Tansit: Whoever that is.

> A long time ago, in the Negaverse, there was a lot of commotion
> going on.

Brak: All of the matter, which had been squooshed into the size
of an egg, exploded everywhere and made a big mess!

> Everyone in Nega-Canard had heard that Rose Mallard
> was going to give birth to her first son, out of 2 girls and 1
> boy.

Lokar: My, she certainly had her biological egg timer set exactly.
Tansit: She was gonna have the boy today and the girls tomorrow.

> They were named Jill, Barbara and Jason, (after his
> papa).

Lokar: Well, of course. It would be difficult to name a child
*before* its father.

> Rose gave birth to a boy she named Nathan after her
> father, who was a caring, but strict man.

Brak: Okay, but, um, who are these people? I thought this was a
"Darkwing Duck" story.
Tansit: I thought it was a "Sailor Moon" story.
Lokar: So far it's not a story at all, it's just an outline.

> Nega-Canard had never
> seen the likes of this boy.

Tansit: [giggling] Had they seen the DISlikes of this boy?

> Nathan had a little glint of evil
> in his eyes, like his family who was known to deal with the
> Mafia.

Brak: Crazy Eights or Go Fish?
Lokar: [muttering] Someone here isn't playing with a full deck.

> Of course, that was very common in Nega-Canard and this
> boy seemed to have the looks of a leader that would come out

Lokar: Of the closet.
Tansit: Oh - stop it, you!

> later in the future.

Brak: 'Cause it'd be hard to do it later in the past.

> Nathan grew up in a loving atmosphere,

Lokar: As opposed to any mere pedestrian nitrogen, hydrogen, and
oxygen mixture.

> with tom-boy girls, a
> strict father, a beautiful mother, and an older brother who he
> could talk to.

Brak: Hey, how'd Nathan get an older brother if he was the first
boy his mother had?
[Lokar takes out a Day-Timer and enters a quick note]
Tansit: What're you writing?
Lokar: I'm noting the date and time that Brak actually showed a
glimmer of intelligence.

> He could get along just fine with all of them.
> He quite liked living in this dark, damp place called Nega-
> Canard.

Brak: See, this IS a "Darkwing Duck" story!
Tansit: Oh, pooh! I like "Sailor Moon" better.
Lokar: You just like their dresses and makeup.
Tansit: So?

> The only warm thing about it was his family. He got to
> know the Mafia pretty well from his brother's experience

Lokar: Other people's experience is the best instructor, after
all.

> his
> sisters taught him how to pick locks if he was ever thrown in
> jail, and how to manipulate anyone.

Brak: His sisters were Harry Houdini and Jim Henson.

> All of this knowledge came
> in

Brak: A small box.

> useful. He went to school, and got in trouble all the
> time. He was a real trouble-maker,

Brak: He's a trouble-maker 'cause he got in trouble all the time,
see?
[Lokar looks at Brak for a moment, then erases the note in his Day-
Timer.]

> and besides that, he was
> the best at getting himself out of trouble because he was so
> incredibly smart.

Tansit: If he was so darn smart, why'd he get into trouble in the
first place?
Brak: 'Cause he was a trouble-maker, remember?

> Later, in his teens during Christmas, (he
> despised Christmas, but he got cool presents, besides)

Lokar: Thank you for that parenthetical attempt at
characterization.

> spending
> quality time with the family since he had been in college for a
> while, he and his siblings turned on some music

Brak: ["sexy" voice] "Hey, music, baby!"

> to listen to punk
> that they adored so much.

Lokar: That sentence did for sentence structure what Frank Lloyd
Wright did for waterproofing.

> Out of the blue, bullets came
> through the window,

Brak: [singing] Out of the blue and through the window, to
Grandmother's house we go!

> and he was no where near the window, but he
> told everyone else to watch out. But, it was too late. His
> siblings were all dead, and so was his father,

Tansit: They didn't even get to do anything in this story! They
were just like the redshirts in "Star Trek"!
Lokar: (shaking his head) This cannot be a story. It is an
outline of a rough draft of a synopsis.

> but his mother was
> still barely alive. "Mom ! MOM! ", he said, running to her.

Tansit: [Rose] What? WHAT?

> He crouched next to her holding her hand. "Nathan, you'll have
> to fend for yourself now.

[Brak begins humming generic soap opera music]

> But, no matter what, I along with
> your siblings will be watching you from above. And of all
> things you remember, Nathan remember that I love you dearly.",
> she said, dying.

Brak: She sure died slow.
Tansit: She talked herself to death.
Lokar: And us as well.

> "Mom ? MOM ?! NOOOO !", Nathan screamed,
> tears racing down his cheeks.

Brak: And, as they enter the home stretch, tear is in the lead,
closely followed by tear and tear! And, bringing up the rear, Bee-
tle-baum!

> He was going to find the people
> that did this to his family. They were going to pay dearly for
> what they had done !!

Lokar: And if it took years for him to find them, then he would
charge them interest, compounded daily!

> Later, he had found the people who had
> killed his parents, and he killed them brutally for what they
> did.

Lokar: Notice how skillfully any semblance of suspense is avoided
in the headlong rush through this narrative.

> Shocked that he had killed the worst people in Nega-
> Canard, he became Negaduck to shield his identity, and put him in
> a better frame of mind.

Tansit: Gee, I didn't know that turning into a villain was so
therapeutic.
Lokar: I suppose you did it for the costume, Tannie.
Tansit: ... So?

> He actually liked the feeling of what he had done, and since he
> liked being powerful so much, he got his own organisation,

Brak: At a flea market.

> and
> ruled with supreme force, like a tolitarian dictator.

Lokar: This is beginning to read like a narrative that Zorak would
write!
Brak: Nahh. Nobody's devoured anybody yet.

> However, he still had to put up with the Friendly Five, but he
> pretty much put them in their place far, FAR away from where he
> was.

Tansit: Who's The Friendly Five?
Lokar: [impatiently] Who is ANYBODY in this story?

> He worked in an nuclear missile factory, of all things.

Lokar: This powerful, dictatorial tyrant is a laborer in a
factory. I can see the tatters of this narrative unraveling before
my very eyes.

> But, he
> got put in jail for saving a little girl's life just because she
> thought she was going to get hit by a car.

Tansit: What a dumb reason to save a kid's life! Sheesh!

> And you thought
> Nathan had no caring in his heart this girl looked like Barbara,

Lokar: WHO IS BARBARA?!
Brak: Another redshirt. She was mentioned once on the first
page.
[Lokar mutters to himself, his antennae twitching nervously]

> very faintly, and that's the only reason he saved her. But,
> once he came to his senses and realised the little girl had her
> arms around him, like he was some sort of hero, he felt very
> sick .

Lokar: Much as I do at the moment.

> He didn't like to be hugged, not anymore. For this, he
> was put in jail.

Tansit: So, hugging's illegal in The Negaverse? Maybe that's why
Beryl's so crabby.

> Later, Nega-Morgana (actual name Sylvia !!)

Lokar: SINCE WHEN?!

> saved him from jail. He fell in love with her at first sight.
> The thought that she was so powerful, intelligent and ravishing
> made him attracted to her.

Brak: Awww, what a touching love story.
Tansit: Are you *serious*?
Brak: Naw.

> She was some witch !! He knew it, too, for he was the type that
> could sense this sort of thing.

Lokar: [muttering, shaking his head] He knew it, because he could
sense it...

> Later, the two got married with all the comforts of home.

Brak: I'd rather get married with all the comforts of church.

> Sylvia wore a black dress, Nathan wore a totally black tux,

Tansit: [bad falsetto Valley Girl impression] Like, this tux is so
totally black! Omigawd!

> the
> flower-girl was some one that Nathan just had to literally "throw
> in" the wedding.

Brak: [Nathan] That's for getting me arrested!

> They knew each other's names well,

Tansit: That always helps a marriage.

> but decided to keep a hold
> onto their new personalities, that meant no more Mr. And Mrs.
> Nice GUYS !!

Brak: I didn't know they ever were nice guys. Maybe I'm missin'
something.
Lokar: Quite possibly a significant portion of your frontal lobe.

> Their first child was Essobee, a boy who had
> incredible powers like his mom, and the temperament of his dad.

Brak: Uh - wait a minute. Didn't Essobee have weak powers 'cause
his Mom never taught him much so he wouldn't overthrow her?
Tansit: Yeah, and he didn't have his Dad's temper. He was kinda
whiny, actually.
Lokar: Am I to understand you two have read MORE of these stories?
Willingly?
[Brak and Tansit nod.]
[Lokar lowers his head onto his hands.]

> He was a warlock. This was great for Nathan if someone ever
> left the new organisation, the Fearsome Five he had in St. Canard
> away from home (he returned home from time to time to see Sylvia
> and Essobee) he would have Ess join.

Lokar: [looking up] I will pay anyone who can explain the above
sentence.
Tansit: Um...
Brak: Uh...

> In their later years they
> had a little girl, named Rose after Nathan's mother.

Brak: [Nathan] Can you imagine how long we looked for a girl
named Rose?
Tansit: [Sylvia] We should have made our own.

> She looked
> exactly like her how scary.

Brak: But Rose wasn't scary looking! She was pretty! It said
so!
Tansit: She's been dead for years, so she must look pretty scary by
now.

> That was the only reminder he had
> of his loving mom. She was an evil sorceress just like Sylvia
> !!

Lokar: Who was? His mother?

> This made him even more powerful,

Lokar: Him? Or her??
Brak: Aw, it doesn't matter.
Lokar: No, I suppose it doesn't at that.

> but if the kids got out of
> control, Sylvia would have a handle on them,

Tansit: Sticking out of their backs like luggage.

> and also Nathan
> would too, just because of the type of man he was crude and
> barbaric.

Brak: But a snappy dresser!

> But, that's Negaduck's true origin. Like it or
> not, that's how it was and he still works for the Mafia, as
> usual.

Lokar: Ahem. A FAN RETCON which utterly disregards the very
continuities upon which it is supposedly founded is NOT a "TRUE
ORIGIN"! Thank you.

> Everyone is wondering how in the world did The Negaverse (we're
> NOT talking Sailor Moon, here)
> form ?

Brak: Nope.
Tansit: Uh-uh.
Lokar: Never.

> Like other universes, a disturbance had to occur.

Lokar: Much more of this and a disturbance will occur in my
digestive tract.

> When Megavolt
> blasted Darkwing with the tron splitter in "Negaduck",

Tansit: It destroyed a lousy computer-animated movie of the '80s.
And there was much rejoicing.
All: [dully] Rayyyyyyyyy.

> we find
> that it has quite an unusual effect it gives Darkwing an alter-
> ego, a doppleganger if you will (term from Mortal Kombat Gosh, I
> LOVE that game !!)

Lokar: Hmm, a game consisting mainly of thrashing around,
supported by only the sketchiest excuse for a plotline. I can see
how you might appreciate that, yes.

> When he did that, electrons in another
> universe were going berserk something had gone wrong.

Brak: [Electron] The water heater's busted! The cat just made a
mess in the living room! And "Mama's Family" has been replaced by
"Bosom Buddies"! AAAaaahhhh!

> What
> was happening to this peaceful planet not too far from Earth ?

Lokar: Very little of consequence, as far as I can discern.

> It was called "Positron" after the people who lived there, who
> were all positive

Tansit: They got tested, and sure enough, they all had positrons.

> and benevolent. Once this happened, all chaos
> broke loose and people turned from nice to mean .(Weird huh ?
> It happened !!)

Lokar: Please see my previous comment on the validity of fan
retcons.

> Then it became Negatron !!

Tansit: It became the opposite of Tron: a *good* movie.

> And, it was
> changed to have
> a Nega-Canard When this happened,

Brak: [Bart Simpson] Don't have a Nega-Canard, man!
Tansit: [rimshot noise]

> Nathan was pulled away from
> his loving environment, and turned to be mean,

Lokar: Oh, this gets more and more wonderful. Now it even
contradicts the earlier biography.

> and found, that
> his alter-ego was Drake Mallard. Of course this doesn't say
> this in the origin story, but that's really how Negaduck became
> to be

Lokar: Ahem. Contradictory fan retcon, once more.

> After Darkwing had been reassembled, Negaduck went
> back to his homeworld, and had adventures (actually committed
> crimes there, and helped the Mafia)

Brak: Negaduck committing crimes? Whoa! Who'd'a guessed?!

> of his own, away from St.
> Canard. At times, he would get bored

Lokar: He must be reading this story too.

> in the Negaverse (that's
> where we get the "cake" idea from "Life the Negaverse and
> Everything") and go to St. Canard. Besides, he hated
> Darkwing .

Tansit: [Negaduck] Yeah, Darkwing has all the good fanfics! Look
at what *I* get!

> and what better to kill him and get him out of the
> way. Unfortunately for Negaduck fans,

Lokar: This story was written.

> he has never succeeded.
> But, it's a good thing for Darkwing, because we wouldn't have a
> show if he was DEAD, no would WE ?!

Lokar: That was the single most sensible thing in this entire ...
whatever.

> By: Elizabeth Berndt
> Creator of William Webb,
> Patrick Webb, Patrick II (all the Webb's)
> and all the Mallard's in the Negaverse.

Brak: SHE created all the Mallards in the Negaverse? Boy, I'll
bet that's a surprise to Negaduck's Mom and Dad! Ah ha ha ha!
Tansit: You stole that joke.
Brak: Yeah, well... it sure packs a wallop, don't it? Ho boy!

> August 28, 1997

Lokar: A day I personally will rue for the rest of my life.

[The screen dissolves into static, then Zorak's face appears once
again.]

Zorak: Well, kiddies, did you enjoy it?
Tansit: WHAT?
Lokar: [standing and glaring at Zorak] When I get my hands on
you, you microcephalic invertebrate, I shall- [sputters briefly] do
you an injury!
Zorak: Ooooh, I'm frightened!
Brak: It wasn't *that* bad.

[Lokar and Tansit both look at Brak in disbelief.]

Tansit and Lokar: WHAT?
Brak: At least this one was short.
Zorak: Hmmm... Well, there's plenty more where that came from.
Some aren't even THIS good! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!

[Moltar's control room. Moltar pulls a switch, and Zorak's image
disappears into static]

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This MiSTing is copyright (c) by the author, JenW...@aol.com.
"True Origin of Nathan Mallard" is copyright (c) by Elizabeth
Berndt. Zorak, Moltar, Brak, Tansit, and Lokar are copyright (c)
Hanna-Barbera. Negaduck and Darkwing Duck are copyright (c) Disney.
Essobee McCawber and Nega-Morgana are copyright (c) Kim McFarland.
All copyrighted characters are used without permission. This
MiSTing was done in the name of humor, and no malice is intended to
anyone.

> A long time ago, in the Negaverse, there was a lot of commotion
> going on.