MiSTing; All Hell Breaking Loose [1/2]
cek...@pomona.edu
Chris Ekman (script) & Ken Applebaum (improvement)
This here is our third MiSTing, ever, so there is no longer any need for you to
be charitable. We'd love to hear any comments or suggestions. I'll be at
cek...@pomona.edu until Sunday, at which point I'll switch to
76452...@compuserve.com for the summer. Ken will be at
appl...@stu.beloit.edu until about the same time, and then he'll change to
lmu...@umd5.umd.edu. Keep in mind that we'll be skipping most of September
via time travel. Oh, and remember to set your clocks three hours ahead.
-----------------8<----------------CUT HERE----------------8<------------------
[Mystery Usenet Theatre 3000 Hour set. Jack Perkins is standing stock still.
The lights go up.]
JACK: Hello there, and welcome to the MUT Hour. You know, Mike and the 'bots
like to call their home "The Satellite of Love". But it looks like
there's one ship that can give them a run for their money- the
Enterprise. People just can't get enough stories about romance among the
ship's officers, bless their hearts, and that's something that's nice to
see in this crazy world.
This post has something for everyone- it has enough mushy parts for the
romantics, but it's also got plenty of action. Pow! Wham! Great stuff.
Stay tuned for Mystery Usenet Theatre 3000.
[Theme song, etc. Then Satellite of Love bridge.]
CROW: Look, you masher, I think it's time you faced up to reality. Gypsy is
mine, and mine alone.
TOM: That possessive attitude is exactly the reason that Gypsy could *never*
love you. *I*, on the other hand, am sensitive to her needs.
CROW: "Sensitive"? Oh, go watch some more Donahue, femme-bot.
TOM: WHY YOU-!
[Mike enters.]
MIKE: Guys, what are you doing? Gypsy's already made clear that she has no
interest in *either* of you. She's only got eyes for Richard Basehart.
CROW: Geez, Mike, sometimes you are so thick! Of *course* neither of us is
ever going to win. That's the *point*!
TOM: We *can't* do anything that'll *end* eventually because- guess what!
WE'VE ALREADY DONE IT ALL! AND IT ENDED!
CROW: WE'VE BEEN ON THIS SATELLITE FOR SIX YEARS! SIX YEARS OF PURE HELL!
WE MUST HAVE COMMITTED MASS MURDER IN A FORMER LIFE, FOR TRULY WE ARE
CURSED IN THE EYES OF GOD! AAAAAHHH! (faints)
MIKE: Okay, okay, I'm sorry! Sheesh, guess I touched a nerve-
CROW: (springs back up) My Sam Kinison impression, everybody! Thank you!
Thank you very much! I'll be here all week! Enjoy the buffet.
MIKE: What were we talking about?
TOM: Dunno. Probably wasn't important. Hey, Bobcat's calling.
[D13]
DR.F: You people really are getting desperate for entertainment up there,
aren't you? Gooood. It'll be fascinating to see how you deteriorate as
the strain gets worse.
[SOL]
CROW: Say, Dr. F., aren't you supposed to be out getting chummy with Michael
Crichton by now? [snickering]
[D13]
DR.F: [fuming] You just wait. *All* great authors get rejected at first.
But at least I can comfort myself with the thought that I write better
than the author of today's experiment. Though anyone above the age of 9
could probably say the same.
[SOL]
TOM: Way to annoy the mad scientist, Crow. Do you also like to poke at
bears with sticks?
CROW: Hey! You can't pin this on me, copper! It was a perfectly innocuous
statement! And besides, you all laughed!
[D13]
DR.F: This post comes to you fresh from the swill orchards of
alt.startrek.creative, and its faults are too numerous to mention. Look
on the bright side- this will actually make Ratliff look palatable by
comparison. Live long and suffer!
[pushes button]
[SOL]
[lights flash, sirens blare, and everyone gets funky!]
ALL: AAAAAHHH! WE'VE GOT USENET SIGN!
1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... *
[all enter theater- you know the drill.]
> X-News: pomona alt.startrek.creative:21724
MIKE: *Now* we're in for it.
> From: cptbp...@aol.com (CptBPicard)
MIKE: Captain *B.* Picard?
CROW: Any relation to Mr. B. Natural?
TOM: [Picard] The spirit of music, that's me. The spirit of the fun of music.
ALL: [shudder]
> Subject:NEW TNG STORY: All Hell Breaking Loose 1/2
CROW: New TNG story? Now I've heard everything.
> Date: 1 May 1995 11:17:10 -0400
TOM: A date that will live in pudding!
MIKE: What!?
TOM: Thought I was going to say "infamy," didn't you?
> Message-ID:<3o2u1m$b...@newsbf02.news.aol.com>
MIKE: It would have to be from AOL, wouldn't it?
> All Hell Breaking Loose
CROW: Doom III: Hell in Space.
> This is basically the same story line we've seen before,
TOM: But then, we knew that- this is a Star Trek fanfic.
> people loose
> control over their emotions, get into trouble etc. etc. etc.
CROW: [Spock] I fail to see why emotions are desirable, considering their
consequences.
MIKE: [McCoy] Damn your cold-blooded Vulcan logic, Spock!
> But this time, I've added a little twist, just to make things more
> interesting. . . . . .
MIKE: A little twist? Hey, they're going to stop by Jack Rabbit Slim's!
CROW: [Travolta] You know what they call a Quarter Pounder on Klingon?
TOM: [Jackson] No, what?
CROW: [Travolta] A gackkkkk zarrg xwagzuckkkkk!
> PARAMOUNT OWNS EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING IN THIS STORY ETC. ETC. ETC.
MIKE: You better not press your luck, kid. Paramount *owns* this town!
> CONSTRUCTIVE CRITISISM IS APPRECIATED.
ALL: Get out while you still can!!
YOU CAN E-MAIL ME AT CptBPicard.
CROW: And we will, kid, rest assured...
MIKE: Hey!
> A splitting headache and an extremely LARGE sense of stupidity was what
> the entire senior crew of the Enterprise was feeling.
CROW: Another wild night in Ten-Forward, eh?
TOM: [Riker] All I know is, I woke up in one of the Jeffries tubes, naked
except for my communicator pin...
CROW: [Riker] And I won't tell you where THAT was pinned...
MIKE: Hush!
> Once again it had all started with one of Q's obnoxious " studies" of
> humanity.
CROW: [Q] I'm not touching you. Does this bug you? I'm not touching you!
> Looking up, Jean-Luc Picard felt his anger start to rise. For Q was sitting
> on his desk, that was all he needed to get furious.
MIKE: He's really attached to that desk, eh?
TOM: (British accent) No, I haven't used it. That desk can never be used.
Don't touch it. No, you can't point to it. Don't even look at it.
> " Hello, Mon Capitan, I trust you're not in a wonderful mood. As if
> you had one."
MIKE: One what? Q, what've you been up to, and why are your eyes so red?
> " Q, why are you here? I learned my lesson about not changing the
> future, I saved humanity and proved that humans could think,
TOM: [Picard] I ended the war in Bosnia, beat Doomsday, took out the garbage...
MIKE: [nagging] I do, and do, and do for you, and *this* is the thanks I get.
> why are you here now?!?"
CROW: [Q] I couldn't stay away any longer. I love you, don't you
understand?
MIKE: Crow, please. Don't go there. I just ate.
> Q clucked his tung in disapproval.
TOM: Wow. That's just... wow. I can't even think of a joke for that.
CROW: That can't be accidental. This guy must be misspelling on purpose.
TOM: Yeah, so the other a.s.c.ers won't think he's uppity.
MIKE: Dr. F. was right. I'd give *anything* to have "Enterprized" back
right now.
> " I just wanted you to see something, but rest assure, it won't put you
> in a better mood."
CROW: [Q] It's Wesley applying to come back to the Enterprise.
MIKE: Glk!
> With that Q snapped his fingers and they were gone. An instant later, they
> were in Will Rikers quarters.
TOM: Hip-deep in old pizza boxes and unwashed jockstraps.
MIKE: Ewwww...
> Picard wanted to leave for Will was in the middle of a rather private thing,
> mainly love making.
MIKE: Oh good Lord, I could have gone my whole life without seeing that.
TOM: This *is* alt.startrek.creative and *not* alt.sex.stories, right?
CROW: Wouldn't you know, we finally get some filth and it involves Riker.
> He couldn't see who he was with.
CROW: Hah! Little too much booze'll do that, eh, Riker?
MIKE: Urg. I think the first "he" refers to Picard.
CROW: Yeah, but it's more fun this way.
> And when he heard their voice, he wanted to run head first into the warp
> nacelles.
CROW: It was Worf!
MIKE: (moans, slumps)
TOM: Hey, cool! I didn't know humans could change color.
CROW: And that green goes so much better with your jumpsuit!
> He turned to Q, his eyes blazing.
MIKE: Visine will help that.
> " Why have you brought me here Q? Have
> you finally decided that the only way you're going to get rid of me is my
> committing suicide? $
CROW: What's that errant $ doing here?
TOM: Maybe McElwaine is behind this! AAAAHHH!
> Cuase let me tell you, I'm pretty dam close to it."
TOM: But you have so much to live for! The fans who obsess over you
endlessly! The old creaky Star Trek franchise, resting on your shoulders!
On second thought, do you want to call Dr. Kevorkian, or shall I?
> " Temper, temper Mon Capitan. I just thought you might want to stop
> wasting your time on red."
CROW: Skelton?
TOM: Auerbach?
CROW: Foxx?
MIKE: Uuuulllk! [doubles over]
> " Her name is Beverly, and just why do you think that I'm wasting my
> time?!?"
TOM: [Picard] She's a liberated woman... we could have a menage-a-trois.
CROW: But then they'd need Troi for that last part.
MIKE: (falls with a sickening thud)
TOM: Do you suppose we ought to do something?
CROW: What can we do? Unless we've got a manual called "E-Z Orgo Repair"...
> " You know, you could really use a vacation.
MIKE: (groaning) You think *he* needs a vacation? (begins to get up)
CROW: Look! He moved! Don't worry, he'll be fine.
> I mean here you are, watching your beloved doctor in the middle of love
> making with your trusted second in command.
MIKE: YECCH! (falls again)
CROW: Or not.
> And you still think you have a chance?!? My, my. Have you been playing
> with the matter/anti matter generator again? What have I told you about
> that? I have told you that it will fry the few brain cells you have left."
TOM: [Kevin Meaney] It's not a toy! For goodness sakes, playing with the
matter/anti-matter generator... you'll go blind!
> " You know, you really know how to kill a mood."
MIKE: (staggering up) Guys, please. No more lewd jokes. It's all too
horrible to even contemplate...
CROW: Aw, you're no fun.
> " Whatever do you mean? You weren't in a good mood when I came."
> " That's because you came. I was going to ask her to dinner."
ALL: [muted trumpet] Waaah-waah-waah-waaaaah!
TOM: You can still do that, technically...
CROW: Yeah, after this I'll bet she'll be hungry.
MIKE: Gack! Please! Have mercy!
> " Oh. I'm sorry." Q said not sounding the least bit sorry.
ALL: (weakly) Ha. Ha.
CROW: See, it's funny, 'cause it's... betrayal...
> " From now on, I'll check your schedule when I want to do you a favor."
CROW: Careful, though, Comedy Central is liable to change it without
warning.
> With that, Q snapped his fingers and Picard was back in his quarters and Q
> was gone.
MIKE: [falsetto] Why, you had the power to return home all the time!
> Gordie La Forge was staring at the captain with a sense of curiosity.
CROW: [Geordi] What's a good actor like him doing *here*?
> Everyone else except the captain ( and maybe Troi, he was still debating
> that) were acting, feeling, and working normally. The captain however was
> very different from his usual self.
TOM: [Picard] Somebody stole a quart of my strawberries!
> He could swear that he actually saw anger radiating in heat waves from
> Picards body.
MIKE: (singing) We're having a heat wave... a tropical heat wave...
TOM: Or perhaps that should be "hate wave."
CROW: For we are verily Milk and Cheese!
MIKE: I saw that one coming a mile away.
> Deanna noticed it to, but unlike Gordie, she could see peoples expressions.
CROW: Oh, rub it in, why don't you?
> The expressions she saw from the captain worried her. Whenever Beverly
> talked his face and emotions were overcome by loss and sadness. When Will
> Talked, his face and emotions were overcome by anger, even hatred.
TOM: [Snagglepuss] Dislike, e-ven!
MIKE: And when Deanna talked, his face and emotions were overcome by extreme
boredom.
> His face would grow dark and a scowl would form.
MIKE: So he's troubled, then.
CROW: Hey, how'd you figure that out? Are you an empath, too?
> Finally after a not so pleasant meeting, she decided to find out about this
> extreme change in behavior. " Sir, I was just wondering what was bothering
> you."
TOM: [Picard] The continuing success of Yanni!
> " Nothing!" he snapped. He immediately realized that his tone would
> only confirm what she already knew. " Sir, you know that you can't fool me.
> I'll bet Gordie saw you temperature rise by five degrees.
TOM: Nah, I say it's gotta be ten.
CROW: I dibs fifteen.
MIKE: Enterprise office pool!
> And don't deny it because you know that I'm going to be on your case until I
> find out
MIKE: [Columbo] I've just got a couple 'a nagging little questions, Mr.
Picard, which I'm sure you'll be able to clear up...
> why you're so . . . . . . . . . .
CROW: We pause for station identification.
TOM: Hey, neat, can we go get a snack?
MIKE: [Troi] Sorry, zoned out there. What was I saying?
> infuriated."
> Jean-Luc sighed. " Alright. I suppose that you have the right to know
> also.
TOM: [Picard] Those bastards cancelled "My So-Called Life."
> But I'm not going to be the one who tell's you. All you have to do is talk
> to your precious Imzadi, I know you'll find out."
TOM: Imzadi?
MIKE: The latest model from Mazda!
CROW: Issy Miyaki's new protoge!
TOM: New in your grocer's freezer section from Kikoman!
> With that he turned away making it clear that the conversation was over.
CROW: Or maybe he just found Deanna's voluminous cleavage intimidating.
TOM: Hey, who wouldn't?
MIKE: (lurches)
CROW: Sorry. Habit.
> " Will, I was wondering if we could talk a minute."
> " Sure Deanna, what's up?"
> " The captain is very angry with you and I was hoping you could tell me
> why."
MIKE: [Riker] Aren't you supposed to be an empath?
> How could the captain know? Will thought. Then it hit him.
MIKE: The BFG9000.
BOTS: YAY!
> " Q!!!" he screamed.
CROW: Well, of course. That is the only rational explanation, after all.
MIKE: [Riker] Say, guys, I can't find my communicator pin. Has anybody... Q!!!
TOM: [Riker] Hey, I didn't order the salisbury steak, I orde... Q!!!
> " Will, what are you talking abou--" That's when it hit her.
TOM: You'd think she'd know to duck by this point.
> She read his thoughts as if they were on paper.
CROW: Or, in Riker's case, on a Post-It note.
> " My apologies Cmdr. I didn't know it was such a private matter." With
> that, Deanna walked away, leaving a very angry Will Riker behind her.
MIKE: And taking a happy-go-lucky Will Riker with her.
CROW: Well, you gotta have a spare... maybe one's Thomas Riker.
> " Beverly, I was wondering if we could talk. I mean, sure we can talk.
> We always talk. Please shut me up." Deanna Troi asked.
TOM: Could it be? Could it really be?
MIKE: Maybe this fanfic won't be so bad after all!
> " Okay, that's fare enough." With that, she $hypoed Deanna.
MIKE: Three cheers for Beverly! Hip hip-
ALL: HOORAY!
MIKE: Hip hip-
> Not a hypo that'll nock you out, just one that relaxes you.
ALL: Crud.
> " Now, what's up?"
> " Well, I was just wondering if what I heard about you and Will is
> true."
> Deanna chocked on the last word, for fear that the answer might be yes.
> " Well that depends on what you heard."
CROW: That you're both cat fanciers. WHAT DO YOU THINK?
> But looking into her friends eyes, Beverly knew the answer. And Deanna knew
> she knew.
MIKE: And Beverly knew she knew she knew.
TOM: [the Sicilian] But! I know that *you* know that I'd suspect you, and
therefore the hypo with the icocaine power is the one in front of *me*!
> She also knew what the answer was.
MIKE: 42.
BOTS: Huh?
> Walking into the captains quarters, she immediately knew that he was
> calmed down.
CROW: By the way he was lying limp on the floor.
> " Sir, I need to talk to you."
> " I know what's it's about Deanna. You're going to tell me that
> Everything was just in my imagination, right?"
TOM: It was all a dream!
MIKE: And you were there, Uncle Will, and you too, Aunt Beverly...
> " I'm afraid not. It's all to real."
> " Oh, I see." Deanna watched in amazement as a single tear left
> Picards eye. Then another. Soon, it had turned into some real crying.
MIKE: That Picard is a damn fine actor. That anguish is so *real*. Just
like "Generations."
TOM: Yeah, Shatner could never have done that.
CROW: Well, Shatner would've just dumped Beverly and hit on some alien chick.
MIKE: But in "The Next Generation," when you sleep with one Andorian,
you're sleeping with every Iotian and Garn she's ever been with...
> Except he was silent. Deanna could no longer hold in her emotion's either.
> She crumpled onto the couch and began to sob. Soon however, Jean-Luc
> stopped.
TOM: [Picard] What's the idea, trying to steal my big scene?
> He turned to the counselor, but found her asleep. He just didn't have
> the heart to wake her up, so he let her sleep thinking that she would wake
> up soon. She ended up staying the night.
TOM: Oh, a slumber party!
CROW: Hey, there's a little innuendo there. You don't suppose that they...
MIKE: Crow, you *want* me to have a relapse, is that it?
> Jean-Luc woke up to find that something very strange had happened to
> him.
MIKE: Deanna had dipped his hand into a glass of warm water.
TOM: Someone was running at him in the dark with flashlights yelling,
"TRUCK!!"
CROW: Ben-Gay had been smeared in his underwear drawer!
> He had loved Beverly, he was sure of it. But now all he felt towards her
> was resentment. For lack of a better word. . . . . . . . . .
MIKE: Resentment?
TOM: Hate?
CROW: Disgust?
TOM: Revulsion?
MIKE: Hate?
CROW: Spite?
TOM: Dislike?
CROW: Hate?
MIKE: Un- nice- ness?
> hate.
ALL: Well, why didn't you *SAY* so?
> He now realized how stubborn she was, her short fuse, how easy it was to get
> her angry,
CROW: Just by switching her patients' X-rays with those of a gorilla...
TOM: Some folks can't take a joke!
> she wasn't even that good looking. Her eyes were to dark, her hair made it
> look like her head was on fire. And her nose was so big!!!
TOM: Uh, no, it isn't... and besides, I thought her eyes were blue...
> Deanna was feeling the same thing about Will. She had once felt such
> passion for him. Now all she felt was hate.
CROW: (singing) 'Cuz IIII... hate everything about you!
MIKE: (wincing) Must you?
> He was stubborn, pushy, annoying, and most of all, he was so cocky!!! He
> was also not to good looking. His beard was horrible, he was fat,
CROW: So far she hasn't said anything that I disagree with.
> his eyes
> were so big!!!
MIKE: [Troi] Ooh, Will, what big eyes you have!
TOM: But... but he doesn't... really...
> She had no idea why, but she had once even referred to him as "Imzadi"!!!
CROW: We have no idea why either. What's an Imzadi?
> But that was not true. No, the only person she cared about was Jean-Luc.
TOM: It's a trachyon field flux shift! It's disrupting our subspace impulse
capacitors!
MIKE: Huh?
TOM: I just had to remind myself that this is a Star Trek story.
> Beverly Crusher had changed dramatically over night, as did Will.
MIKE: They'd turned into giant cockroaches!
> She didn't love the captain anymore, that was not new, but now she hated
> him!!!
TOM: [Stuart Smalley] I'm sensing a lot of hostility here, people.
> He was so pushy, stubborn, and talk about obnoxious!!! His bald head made
> him look like grape,
TOM: A grape? Since when did his skin turn light green?
CROW: Hey, if Mike could do it...
MIKE: That wasn't intentional!
> and his eyes kind of proclaimed " I'm better then you!!!"
MIKE: Well, he is.
TOM: True 'nuff.
> Will was thinking about what had happened. He hated Deanna.
CROW: Maybe he has more sense than I've given him credit for.
> He had been her friend less then twelve hours ago. But now. . . . . . .
> ug!!!! Her hair was so messy, her accent was annoying, she was always trying
> to pry into others business, and her eyes looked like bananas!!!
TOM: Bananas? Her eyes aren't yellow.
MIKE: You sure you don't have her mixed up with Data?
CROW: Actually, given a wig and two grapefruit, he would...
MIKE: Don't make me warn you again!
> He was only sure of one thing however, and that was that he loved Beverly.
TOM: Why doesn't this guy know what any of the characters look like?
CROW: Hey, I've got it! Maybe this guy hasn't actually *seen* the show!
Maybe he learned about it by reading fanfics!
ALL: AAAAAHHH!
MIKE: C'mon, guys, let's take that break now...
[exeunt.]
6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... *
[back on the SOL bridge.]
MIKE: Imagine someone who learned all about the literary arts from Ratliff!
CROW: The horror... the horror!
TOM: Say, I have an idea. You all know about the Clipper Chip, right? The
one that's supposedly able to censor certain types of USENET material?
CROW&MIKE: Yes indeedy.
TOM: That's awfully inefficient, really. Why not have a chip that destroys
the *source* of the garbage? Say... the newsgroup?
CROW: Hey, yeah! Then we could stop the hate at alt.conspiracy! Seek and
destroy alt.religion.scientology!
TOM: And mainly, we could rid the world of the pus-filled boil that is
alt.startrek.creative!
CROW: Yeah! Hey, let's go get started! The children must be protected!
MIKE: Wait a minute, guys. Do you really think you can decide what people
should and shouldn't read?
CROW: Hey, I already dibsed deciding who lives and who dies. This is minor in
comparison.
TOM: You weren't here for that.
MIKE: Right, I keep forgetting. Still, censorship is wrong.
TOM: Not always. Sometimes, it's humane.
CROW: Say, what's gotten into you, Mike? From the way you were retching
during that post, I'd think youUd be all for this plan.
TOM: Why were you retching, anyway?
MIKE: Well, they were talking about characters... doing 'it', whom I
*really* did *not* want to think about ... doing 'it'...
TOM: What's so bad about that?
MIKE: (blushing) Erm... do you guys really understand what sex is about?
TOM: Uh...
CROW: Well... I know it's a great way to spend a Saturday night! Party!
TOM: Woooo! Party hardy! Let's score!
CROW: Excellent! Let's pick up some hot chicks and... and... uh...
TOM: Uh, seriously, what *is* it all about? Do you know?
CROW: Is it like an interface?
MIKE: Well, sort of. We'd better have this discussion off camera- back in a
moment, folks.
[presses button]
[Commercials ad nauseum.]
[Have you ever been driven to distraction by numerous beeping communications
devices- even in the forests of deepest Maine? Have you ever been billed $500
a month just for spending too much time chatting on overrated gadgets? Have
you ever been disappointed by new gimmicky technology? YOU WILL- and the
company that will bring it to you- AT&T!]
[Friday! Comedy Central brings you the Comedy Central Failed Sketch Comedy
Marathon! 376 HOURS of Exit 57, The Vacant Lot, Limboland, Musical Shorts,
and hundreds more! Of course, this supercedes all our previously scheduled
programming. We don't care if you're disappointed- we've got a monopoly on Ab
Fab, Politically Incorrect, and MST3K! So bite us! We're Comedy Central!]
[Back on the Satellite of Love.]
MIKE: (blushing) ...and, uh, nine months later, if everything goes right,
the baby is born.
CROW: That's disGUSTing!
TOM: No kidding! You orgos are just too grody!
MAGIC VOICE: I concur. Movie sign in 10 seconds.
CROW: Doesn't it get sweaty and uncomfortable?
MIKE: (evil grin) Only if you do it right.
CROW: Oh, yuck! And all this time I've been making jokes!... But now that I
know! Blech!
TOM: And knowing is half the battle! Blargh!
MIKE: Really, guys, it's not bad. In fact, it can be a lot of fun.
TOM: So that's why orgo men chase women?
MIKE: Well, essentially...
TOM: And... say! Could that why we have this urge to... chase Gypsy?
MIKE: Uhh... I,uh, really don't know how it, um, works for 'bots, but...
CROW: Maybe we were on to something and didn't know it.
TOM: Hmm...
[lights blare, sirens flash... or is it the other way around?]
ALL: AAAAAHHH! WE'VE GOT USENET SIGN!
1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... *
[all enter the theater.]
CROW: (whining) And Crusher actually has a mole on the back of her neck!
Disgusting! How could I ever have loved her?
> On the bridge, Will ordered Worf to give a read out. " Belay that
> order." came Picards sneering voice. " So Riker, are you saying that you're
> so stupid that you can't even give a simple read out? Or is it just that
> you're to fat to walk over there?!?"
CROW: Hey, now *this* is exciting! My money's on the "stupid" part.
TOM: Ooooh. Man, that was one cold dis.
MIKE: Are you gunna take dat from this slob? Anh?
ALL: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
> " Listen, Baldy!!! You can just shut your Shakespear addicted mouth!!!"
MIKE: [Riker] Yeah, you cultured, classically-trained actor, you!
> " Oh yeah? Well you listen now, beard but!!! You, are a slimy,
> disgusting pig who is not worthy to serve on a ship commanded by klingon
> Targs!!!"
[all laugh hysterically.]
TOM: [Picard] I am rubber, whereas you are glue. Neener, neener.
MIKE: [announcer] Next week, on Star Trek: The Next Generation! The crew's
minds are taken over by an alien known only as "Spaceman Spiff"!
> " Okay. That'$s it. You've bullied me the last time. You know what I
> want to know? I want to know how the hell you got accepted to Starfleet
> Academy, and how did you become a captain?"
CROW: Is Riker implying that Picard *slept* his way to the-
MIKE: HROLF! [runs out of theater, cupping hand over mouth]
TOM: Did you do that on purpose?
CROW: Of course not! I now find it gross too! But- but- I can't stop!
> Picards eyes narrowed. Will had gone to far. Everyone on the bridge before
> had been talking in confusion.
TOM: (befuddled) Hey, this isn't in the script!
> Now they were all silent. They knew that the captain had never taken an
> insult about his appearance before, but insulting his ability in Starfleet
> was plain stupid.
CROW: Calling him "Baldy" to his face, on the other hand, was the height of
intelligence?
> That was where the captain drew the line. Will regretted his words
> instantly. He knew he had crossed the line. Picard decided he would have to
> change tactics. " You're not worthy of someone even as ugly and stupid as
> Beverly!!!"
TOM: Good tactic! Sink to his level!
CROW: [Riker] Yeah? Well, at least I've *got* a girl!
TOM: [Picard] Your mother is so fat...
> The silence once again.
TOM: Wow! This is *great* silence! No kidding, I'm having a transcendental
moment here, guys! I could be silent like this all day!
CROW: Shut up and enjoy it! Silence means there's no moronic dialogue.
> Everyone knew about the commanding officers changes of $heart', but to
> insult someones girlfriend like that was asking for trouble.
CROW: [Deanna] My boyfriend's back, and you're gonna be in trouble!
TOM: Hey la, hey la, her boyfriend's back!
> " What did you say?" Will asked in a quite yet threatening tone. " You
> heard me. I said that your girlfriend is an ugly, idiotic, jerk!!!"
CROW: [Riker] You're lucky my chick's here.
MIKE: (enters) Did anything interesting happen while... no, guess not.
> " That's it!!!" Will walked over to Picard and without warning
CROW: Shook his hand and thanked him for the advice!
> punched
> him right in the jaw.
TOM: [Howard Cosell] Folks, this is a *shameful* day in boxing history.
> As if to justify " for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction"
MIKE: Oh, so it's all a physics experiment.
CROW: Causing pain in the name of science? Sounds like Dr. F.
> Jean-Luc landed a solid right to Rikers eye.
TOM: Of *course*. Apparently it's so big, you can't miss it.
MIKE: I blinded him... with science!
> Soon they were rolling on the floor, doing their best to get each others
> throats. Everyone, even Worf, was so stunned that at first they just
> watched the two fight.
CROW: Then Worf realized this is the most violence there's ever *been* on TNG!
TOM: [Worf] Finally we get some action around here! Block party! Mix it up!
> Then an ensign got his senses back
MIKE: Though the dry-cleaners had *shrank* them!
> and yelled
CROW: Are we filming this? This'll make millions on pay-per-view!
> "Somebody stop them!!!"
> Before anyone did, the young ensign had run over to Picard and tried to pry
> him of Will. He was amazed at how strong the older man was and in the end it
> took three ensigns, four lutenists,
TOM: What are four lute players doing on the bridge?
MIKE: They keep an orchestra around for the stirring incidental music.
TOM: Ohhh.
> one Lt. Cmdr,
CROW: Three divisions of the Air Force, the Vienna Boys' Choir, Rambo...
> and Worf to pull Picard off
> him.
TOM: [Picard] Would you like a piece of me? WOULD YOU LIKE A PIECE OF ME?
> Once Worf had a firm grip on the captain,
CROW: Seeing as the captain had *lost* his firm grip on *reality*...
> five ensigns and a Lt. tackled
> Riker so he couldn't go after the captain.
MIKE: [John Madden] And Riker is *down*! But he gained some *serious*
yardage on that play!
TOM: Wait a minute. What are 5 ensigns and 4 "lutenists" doing JUST HANGING
AROUND THE BRIDGE?
CROW: [David Letterman] It's "Let the Amateurs Drive" here on the Late Show
bridge, folks!
> Then, without warning, they both fainted. Wether it was from exhaustion or
> all the hits they had taken,
CROW: [Riker] Don't bogart that joint, Jean-Luc.
> no one really knew.
MIKE: My guess is it's from embarrassment.
> They only knew to get them to Sickbay. The problem was that once they got
> to Sickbay, the captain was dropped on a medtable while Crusher ordered
> everyone to help Will.
CROW: Ha ha! It's funny, 'cause it's... malpractice...
> The ships third officer, Data, was put in charge of the ship.
TOM: [Al Haig] I'm in charge here!
> Picard and Will had been confined to quarters till they had "cooled down".
> Deanna and Beverly had immediately rushed to their respective men to see if
> they were okay.
MIKE: Define "okay".
> Then, when everyone was vulnerable, all hell broke loose.
TOM: I *hate* it when that happens.
CROW: Hence the title, then?
MIKE: [British accent] And this is where the story *really* starts!
> Will couldn't stand it. He was better and more qualified.
CROW: He had a more flexible neck, for those important dramatic poses.
TOM: He was far more hirsute.
MIKE: He was more intellegent, and a better actor.
ALL: [hysterical laughter]
> He should be captain!!! He needed to do something about it. So, during the
> ships $night' he payed a little visit to his dear captain.
CROW: What's he going to do, ask for a promotion?
MIKE: Oh, this is evil... this is *really* evil...
> "Computer, open door."
> " Unable to comply, door has been locked."
TOM: [HAL 9000] I'm sorry, Dave... I'm afraid I can't do that.
MIKE: That's a little *too* convincing.
> " Commanders over ride."
> "Unable to comply. Only the occupant can open door."
CROW: [Eddie Murphy] Hey, hey, hey, maybe you don't know who you're dealin'
with? My name's Axel Foley, with the Government Bureau of Executive
Quarters Inspection! You either co-operate, or I'll have you melted down
so fast you won't even have time to process a login subroutine!
> " Computer, security over ride."
> "Unable to comply. Only the security chief can open door with
> security over ride."
MIKE: Jean-Luc, Jean-Luc, let me in, or I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll
*blow* your house in!
> "Computer, shut up."
> "Unable to comply. The computer is not programed to answer that
> question nor doed it have the knowledge to."
CROW: [Computer] Besides, what if I don't *feel* like shutting up, boogerhead?
> Will waved his hand as if to say $forget it.'
MIKE: Ho ho! That darn Kooky the Computer! Messed up my murder plans again!
> " Worf!!!" Will yelled into the klingons door.
> " Yes Cmdr?" came Worfs question
> " The captain's in trouble and his door is locked. Only you can open
> it!!!"
CROW: [Worf] What sort of trouble?
MIKE: [Riker] There's a madman trying to kill him!
CROW: [Worf] Who?
MIKE: [Riker] Me!
> The klingons eyes narrowed. If the captain was in trouble, then he had
> to act quickly. " I'll be there in a second." as good as his word Worf was
> there in literally a second.
TOM: See, he was a Secondman in the Klingonian Revolution.
MIKE: The Romulans are coming! The Romulans are coming!
CROW: Is that like being a Second Banana?
MIKE: In Worf's case, yes.
TOM: Hey, maybe he'll get to meet Torgo!
> "Come on!!!" came Wills call.
> " Computer, security over ride."
> The doors slid open and that was the last thing Worf remembered. Will
> made a mental note to thank Beverly for use of a hypo. Then, slowly but
> surely,
TOM: I turned... step by step... inch by inch...
> he made his way towards the captains bed. He was surprised to find
> Deanna in the bed with him. But that was not why he had come.
CROW: Oh, there are too many possibilities. I can't decide.
MIKE: Wise. Very wise.
> He pulled out his phasor, set it on stun. He was aching to set it on kill,
> but he couldn't be accused of murder!!!
CROW: Starfleet frowns on that sort of thing.
MIKE: Where do they get off being more exclusive than Harvard?
> He was just going to hurt this. . .thing. However before he could fire, the
> captain had his own phasor out and shot the Cmdr in the chest.
TOM: [hick] Good thang Ah sleep with mah trusty phaser under mah pillow!
MIKE: A public service message from the National Phaser Association.
> Riker went down in a heap.
CROW: But he's in a heap even standing up.
TOM: D'oh!
> Jean-Luc was about to call security when a phasor hit him squarly in the
> stomach. Once again, acting before thinking, they both reached for a sharp
> object.
TOM: WHAT sharp objects!? There aren't any sharp objects in Picard's room!
CROW: What, is he not allowed to have any?
TOM: THAT ISN'T WHAT I MEANT!
> And once again, acting before thinking, they stabbed each other.
CROW: (dismayed) Why don't they *look*
> "Will, Will?"
> "Jean-Luc, Jean-Luc?"
MIKE: Auntie Em? Auntie Em?
TOM: Shane! Shane! Come back, Shane!
> "What?" both men responded in unisen.
> "You were both stabbed by. . . . . actually, we don't know."
MIKE: It wasn't me! It was the one-armed man!
> " It was him!!!" They both barked pointing at one another.
CROW: WOOF!
> "Well I believe my Will was just an innocent victem," Crusher said.
CROW: (gansta) He's just another victim!
TOM: That's "victem".
MIKE: If we're going to start hitting spelling mistakes, we'll be here all day.
> " and that the captain stabbed him for no reason."
TOM: Then what was Will doing in the captain's room?
MIKE: [Gerald Ullman drone] Your honor, the defense believes it was a
drug-related incident.
CROW: It was a frame-up! Free Riker!
> This caused a faint murmer in Sickbay. Why was the doctor accusing Picard
> of assault?
MIKE: Well, who else is she going to accuse of assault?
TOM: [Doug Llewellen] And if your boyfriend gets stabbed by his superior
officer, don't take the law into your own hands. You take them to court.
> That was when Deanna decided to make her entrence, just at the wrong time.
TOM: [Picard] Don't you know to be "fashionably late"?
> "Excuse me. I have an anouncement.
MIKE: [Troi] There's a Student Council meeting tomorrow at 5...
> I hate to admit this, but our ship is falling apart. Four of the most
> important people on this ship, including me, are not in working condition.
ALL: They're a danger to themselves and others!!
TOM: Not in working condition? Can't they get replacement parts?
> And, as much as I hated to do it, I have invited someone. The one person I
> know who can intimidate anyone, with the possible exception of Worf.
CROW: Newt Gingrich?
TOM: Leona Helmsley?
MIKE: Richard Simmons?
BOTS: Huh?
> I have invited my mother."
> "Deanna, why the hell did you do an idiotic thing like that?!?" Will
> screamed.
TOM: Habit.
> "Hey, she's ten times smarter then you!!!" Jean-Luc yelled.
CROW: So is Forrest Gump. Your point?
> " HEY!!!" Deanna shouted in attempt to get peoples attention back. "
> It was either my mother or. . . . . . . . . .
TOM: I'm telling you, I've never *felt* such silence before! I...
MIKE: Tom, hush.
CROW: Wow, Troi is fond of these really long dramatic pauses.
MIKE: She probably learned it from Shatner.
TOM: [Shatner] I...... sense. They're. ...hidingsomething.
(pause)
TOM: When is she going to-
> Q.
ALL: Finally!
> I understand that everyone has reason to not want either on board. That is
> why I have arranged a vote. The person with the most votes will be
> invited."
MIKE: Man, you talk about "the lesser of the two evils"!
> ---------------ONE DAY LATER---------------
TOM: You mean we've been in here *all this time*?
MIKE: No, it only feels like it.
> "Attention all personel," came Data's voice over the loud speaker. " I have
> the result of the vote. The person we are inviting is. . . . . . .
CROW: *Another* big pause!
TOM: I hate Windows. Programs take so long to load.
MIKE: Data really should upgrade.
> how can
> this be possible?" Data was asking someone on the bridge. " I don't know
> sir."
> " Attention. We have a uniqe situation. The vote has turned out to be
> a tie.
MIKE: That *is* unique, especially considering there's an odd number of
people on board.
TOM: Maybe someone voted for Guinan.
CROW: Maybe *everyone* except these four morons voted for Guinan.
MIKE: At least affirmative action is finally kicking in by the 24th century.
> Since we need someone, then it has been decidid that both people will be
> invited."
TOM: Hold it! That's not in Robert's Rules of Order, is it?
> The very ship seemed to speak at the same time.
CROW: The same time as what?
> Everyone, in perfect unisen went " OY!!!"
TOM: Funny, they don't *look* Jewish.
MIKE: Aargh...
> On Betazed, Lwaxana was surprised to find that she had a message from
> Deanna.
CROW: Especially since she'd moved and left no forwarding address.
> I hope it isn't bad news. She thought. " Hello Deanna." "Hello mother.
> Um, there is a. . . . .
ALL: SAY IT!
> situation
CROW: I thought the line was *antici*pation.
> on the ship. Jean-Luc, Cmdr Riker, Cmdr
> Crusher
TOM: When did Bev become a *Commander*? She's a doctor, not a commander!
MIKE: [McCoy] She's a doctor, not a sheep herder!
CROW: [McCoy] She's a doctor, not a plumber's helper!
MIKE: [McCoy] She's a doctor, not a...
TOM: FORGET I SAID ANYTHING!
> and myself are in a. . . . . .
CROW: A what? A horrible fanfic?
> disagreement.
MIKE: In much the same way that the Allies and the Axis were in a
"disagreement".
> We need a mediator and we would like you to be it.
TOM: [Troi] We needed someone impartial, so who better than someone with a
GIGANTIC CRUSH ON PICARD?
> Of course, since it is four of the most important people, we have also
> invited Q."
TOM: [Troi] We needed someone impartial, so who better than someone with a
GIGANTIC GRUDGE AGAINST PICARD?
MIKE: Tom, do you need a timeout?
TOM: NO! I'm... fine! Every day... in every way... I'm getting better...
and better! Hee hee!
> " Absolutely not. Unless you take that omnipotent piece of s--"
> "MOTHER!!!"
> "Yes little one? Oh, fine. But I'm warning you. If he says one thing
> to insult me. . . . . . ."
MIKE: [Lwaxana] ...then I'll probably just have to take it... seeing as he
is... omnipotent, and all.
> " Yes mother."
> "Very well little one. I'll be seeing you shortly." And the screen
> went blank. The one unfortunat thing was that it was hard to reach Q.
CROW: How is that unfortunate?
MIKE: I thought you just had to say his name five times...
> And if they did, he could be there in an instant. Guinan was also asked to
> come. Just to be sure that Q behaved himself.
TOM: Uh-huh. The bartender is going to discipline the omnipotent guy.
CROW: Maybe she'll stab him in the hand with a fork again.
> "Q, please come to the Enterprise, we need your help." It was one of the
> hardest things Guinan had ever had to say in her life.
MIKE: Aside of "She sells sea shells by the seashore."
> " Very well." came Q's sneering voice. Q showed up in his normall fashon.
> A soundless explosion. "I take it Jean-Luc asked me to be here?" Q asked
> the ten foward hostess.
CROW: Yup, he's *real* eager to see *you* again.
> "Actually, no. Half the ship asked you to be here."
TOM: The other half jumped out the airlock.
> "Oh where is there a tissue when you need one?" Q asked blowing his nose.
CROW: On *what*? I thought he didn't have...
MIKE: Let it go.
> Guinan blew air through her lips impationtly. "Look, stop it, okay?" "Some
> hostess." Q said trying to sound hurt. Very well, and where is Mon
> Capitaine?"
TOM: On hiatus in Tahiti, so today his role will be played by Tommy Lee Jones
sans le toupee!
CROW: Cool!
MIKE: He's in everything now.
> "He's in his quarters waiting for you so the tria-- the debat--the
> negotiashons can start."
MIKE: Sad. All that effort, and it's *still* wrong.
TOM: But now, there's Hooked on Phonics!
> Q left, leaving a very annoyed Guinan behind him.
> "Hello little on-- oh, it's YOU." Lwaxana said it with enough distaste
> in her voice to make it clear that she still htaed Q.
CROW: [Q] Who are you calling 'little one'?
MIKE: For the last time, spare me!
> "Yes, it's me. So, let the trial begin!!!"
MIKE: The defense calls Kato to the stand!
TOM: Wait, that's not Kato, that's Wesley!
ALL: AAAAHHH!!
> "Okay," Deanna siad trying her best to be *good*.
CROW: She's not bad, she's just dressed that way.
> "The problem is that all four of us are having a little trouble.
MIKE: In it's own way, an unimpeachable observation.
> You see, we each loved the other person of the oposite sex, but now we hate
> each other and we love the people we love now."
CROW: [Q] I may be omnipotent, but even *I* can't make any sense out of that
sentence.
TOM: [Ricki Rachtman] Whoa, that sounds like a mess. You want to take this
call, Dr. Drew?
> "All to simple." Q said. "Of course I could tell you how to get rid of
> your problem and what it is, but that wouldn't be a learning experience.
> Now would it.
MIKE: (hearty) It'll build character!
CROW: [Q] And, of course, if I made things simple, the story would be over.
TOM: We can dream, can't we?
> Tell you what, I'll give you a hint every day so you can try to figure it
> out for yourself.
TOM: [Frank Gorshin] Riddle me this, Picard!
> However, if you don't figure it out within a week, then I'll tell you, and
> you have to admit to the entiresolar system that humans are idiots."
MIKE: Oh, the success of Dumb & Dumber already proves *that*.
CROW: [Q] And then I get to give the entire human race a giant wedgie!
> Q was very much enjoying this. After all, no human could figure this out,
> could they?
TOM: Except for Marilyn Vos Savant.
MIKE: Guest-starring this week on "Star Trek: The Next Degradation!
> It was time for Q's clue of the day.
MIKE: [goofy DJ] And remember, if you're the first caller to solve KROQ's
Clue of the Day, you win free tickets to see Green Day in Cleveland!
> Lwaxana had been given the job of helping people with there feelings
> torwards each other (Deanna was in no condition do mediate her own
> argument.)
CROW: "There feelngs torwards"? This guy breaks a new rule of grammar in
every sentence!
> Q decided to prove how stupid this $race' was. So he gave his clue for the
> day.
CROW: So Q is giving his clue of the day, then.
TOM: By all appearances, he is, yes.
MIKE: [Pee-Wee] Hey, Conky, what's today's secret word?>
TOM: Nelson, if you think tickertape is coming out this 'bot's navel, you have
got another think coming.
> "Okay, the clue is;
MIKE: Colonel Mustard, in the library, with the inexplicably convenient
sharp object.
CROW: The shadows are not what they seem.
TOM: The squab is in the hole.
> Quite similar to this type of flu."
MIKE: Another type of flu!
> "That's it? That's the only clue you're giving us today?!?" Picard was
> furios.
CROW: You're kidding! Crow was sarcastic.
> "Oh Jean-Luc, it's so simple," Lwaxana said. "The Betazoid flu makes
> you loose all control over your emotions."
TOM: Sorry to hear that, Lwaxana- hope you get well soon!
> "Yes, but mother," Deanna began. "We didn't loose control of our
> emotions. If we had, believe me, I know who I would have been with tonight."
> "Yeah, no one." Came Wills sneering voice.
> "Come on Will, think!!!" Deanna urged him.
MIKE: [Riker] What, and break my streak?
TOM: [Python Gumby] My brain hurts!!
> "How did you feel before all this happened?"
MIKE: [Riker] A little rubbery. Still do. Why?
> "I, um. . . . . .
TOM: Geez, this post has more pauses than a Pinter play!
> I loved you. I loved you with everything I was.
> With all my being.
CROW: That's not saying a heck of a lot.
> To be honest, I'm not sure why. You're just an empathic--"
MIKE: (singing) I'm just a Betazoid, for all that I've annoyed, life goes on
despite me...
TOM: Gah! Diamond Dave ref!
> "WILL!!!" Deanna yelled.
> "What? What did I do? Try to state the truth. That's all I did. Try
> to state the truth."
MIKE: [Troi] I can't *handle* the truth!
TOM: The truth is out there!
CROW: No, the truth is here, but Riker's really out there.
> He paused a minute as a sudden look of discovery came across his face.
> "Wait a minute, you called me Will."
> "Yes, I guess I did." Deanna said. "It was natural."
MIKE: Seeing as that's your name, and all.
> Then, all of a sudden, it came together. Everything that hadn't made
> sence, suddenly made perfect sence.
CROW: Oswald *didn't* act alone!
> "Jean-Luc, call Dr. Crusher Beverly." She said.
> "NO!!! Why should I?" He asked. He didn't want to.
TOM: [Picard] Don't wanna! Don't wanna! Don't wanna!
MIKE: You know, I really like the way this story lets you get the inner
motivations of the characters.
> "Because, you have to." was all Deanna said.
CROW: Or I'll bring out... Mr. Thingy.
> And then, out of nowhere, it happened.
TOM: Q got bored and put the whole crew out of their misery.
MIKE: You're getting darker, Tom.
> **************************************************************
MIKE: This post got to me- I'm seeing stars.
CROW: Well, it *is* set in outer space...
TOM: D'oh!
> Part two will be posted in a little while.
ALL: BOO!
MIKE: At least we have a respite...
[exeunt.]
6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... *
[back at the SOL bridge. Gypsy is wearing a bright red bow, and is sporting
lipstick (heaven knows how). Mike enters.]
MIKE: Hey, Gypsy, you look nice! What's the occasion!
GYPSY: Oh, Tom did the nicest thing for me! He offered to take over running
the ship for a little while, so I'd have some rest... and then he's
serving me dinner in the load pan bay! He's cooking RAMchips parmesan
with some nicely aged 10-W-40. Isn't that considerate of him?
MIKE: Er... I'd watch out, Gypsy. You know, men only want one thing...
GYPSY: What, RAMchips?
MIKE: No, um...
GYPSY: Supersoakers?
MIKE: No...
GYPSY: Spiritual fulfillment?
MIKE: Gypsy, can we talk for a sec?
[suddenly, offscreen, Crow and Tom can be heard.]
CROW: You rotten sneak! I was going to ask her to dinner! She's my girl!
TOM: Hey, what are you doing here? Bite me! You snooze, you lose!
CROW: You asked for it... [zapping sound]
TOM: AAARGH! You treacherous... [zapping sound]
[Mike runs off to left hurriedly.]
CROW: YOWCH! ...Lucky thing I still have this Ginsu knife!
TOM: Lucky thing I just happen to have this harpoon gun, which I can work
with my mouth!
[The sound of metal piercing plastic is heard, followed closely by the
firing of the harpoon gun. There is much groaning throughout.]
MIKE: NOOOOOOOO!
GYPSY: [mouth drops open]
[Mike comes back into camera range. He is carrying the lifeless bodies of
Servo, now split down the middle, and Crow, now with a harpoon protruding
from his chest.]
MIKE: (sobbing) Why don't they *think*?
[Fade out. MUT Hour set.]
JACK: Golly! Things look pretty dire for our heroes, don't they? Don't you
worry, though- I think everything's going to turn out just fine.
What about the Enterprise, though? Will Picard overcome his fear of
Crusher's first name? Or will Picard send the entire human race to sit
in the corner? Boy, I sure hated that when I was in school. We'll
find out in the conclusion, on the next Mystery Usenet Theatre Hour.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MOST OF IT: Chris Ekman
ADDITIONAL JOKES BY: Ken Applebaum
PUBLIC OPINIONS UPHOLSTERER: Paul Murky, of Murky Research
STAFF COUNCELLOR: Kay Sera, who's now married to Frank Sera...
ADDITIONAL DIALOGUE: William Shakespeare
HOTEL BILL: Gilbert Harding
SPECIAL THANKS TO: The authors of the First Amendment
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are
trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks
held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
This MiSTing is *not* a personal attack on the author, Capt. B Picard. We mean
him no malice, no injury, no... OH, YES WE DO! WE WISH HIM ALL THE PAIN THERE
IS! I WANT TO SHOVE HIM INTO A SWIMMING POOL FULL OF PORCUPINES! I,.s;＂事
Hi, kids, this is Ken. Please excuse my steaming compatriot- he's been under a
lot of stress.
" Listen, Baldy!!! You can just shut your Shakespear addicted mouth!!!"