MSTed: Agent Action!
Stephen Will Tanner
[A MiSTing of the Agent Action! ad that was crossposted all over
the alt.* hierarchy about...3 weeks ago. Dang, I'm slow...]
[Satellite of Love. Mike is relaxing. The bots are reading from
a terminal and nodding appreciatively]
CROW: Hey, Mike, want to join our little circle?
SERVO: Yeah, savor the best things in life while you can.
MIKE: What's all this about?
CROW: net.kooks!
SERVO: Yeah, you can't beat 'em for entertainment value!
MIKE: Well...
CROW: Here, just sample a little of this.
MIKE: [reads, mumbling] Hello Folks, here is some more information
about the guys from Sirius... mmm...mmm-hmm. [looks up] Wow, that's
really...something.
CROW: Vintage John_-_Winston!
SERVO: And sample a little of this.
MIKE: [skims it] Hmm... a distinct nutty aftertaste.
SERVO: Robert McElwaine's trademark!
MIKE: Uh-oh, Yogi the Telepathic Dog is calling.
[Pearl's minivan]
PEARL: Okay kids, ready for another dose of pure spamming satisfaction?
[S.O.L.]
MIKE: Can't I just read deranged rantings from the loons of yesteryear?
SERVO: Yeah, here's a real good one. From September 1993, a very
good year.
[Minivan]
Pearl: Ha ha! You wish. This is an ad for a piece of drek so sexist it'd
make Clarence Thomas look like Gloria Steinem. Posted by bad
actor, bad director, and bad grammarian William Blair. It's called
AGENT ACTION! And I think it'll sting.
[S.O.L.]
SERVO: [lurching at the terminal] Read this bit, here.
MIKE: RE-ORBIT the sexy psychic plants to create born-again p-adics?
Oh no, we've got USENET SIGN!
.
.
.
.
.
> From: ag...@action.com
SERVO: action.com, the ISP with kung-fu grip!
MIKE: You and your kung-fu grip jokes...
> Newsgroups: alt.fan.hello-kitty
> Subject: ****AGENT ACTION!***
CROW: [Starts tipping over to the left]
SERVO: Uh-oh. Here: *
CROW: Thanks!
> Date: Wed, 2 Apr 1997 02:00:16
> Organization: Concentric Internet Services
> Lines: 218
MIKE: 218 lines about 536 women.
CROW: Yeah, that's if Trent Reznor was Hugh Hefner.
SERVO: Trent Reznor IS Hugh Hefner IS Agent Action!
> Message-ID: <5ht834$f...@chronicle.concentric.net>
> NNTP-Posting-Host: cnc012036.concentric.net
> 1
> ** "CLONING" MOVIE MAY PROVOKE THEATER RIOTS! **
CROW: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO "CLONE" MOVIE. YOU SHOULD JUST "SIT" QUIETLY
WHILE "WATCHING" MOVIE.
SERVO: Do not yell "clone!" in a crowded theater.
MIKE: Do not yell "theater!" in a crowded fire.
> Anticipation is so high
SERVO: No, Bill, *you* are high.
> for the new sci-fi action movie AGENT
> ACTION! that international theater owners are worried. Some feel
> their venues may be the magnet for riots. One of the movies main
> themes is human cloning.
CROW: [playing dumb] Wow, that's interesting. The FIRST time this was
posted, it didn't mention cloning at all.
SERVO: [Imitating William Blair] Text search...replace all occurrences
of "lasers" with "cloning"...Crosspost to hell and back...
> With cloning as a red-hot topic and the movies anticipated big budget
> look with gorgeous nude US playmates, the number of moviegoers is
> predicted to be record breaking!
MIKE: Remedial wood shop teachers across the nation face the lowest
attendance in weeks!
> AGENT ACTION! is reported to be a sci-fi flick in the secret agent
> "Bond" Style. It sports exotic locations, impressive cinematography,
> and the aforementioned naked, big-breasted actresses.
SERVO: Hey pal, if you'd mentioned big breasts, I woulda NOTICED!
MIKE: Yeah!
>(Including Erika Olsen
> / Playboy
> Mar 97) The movie stars and is directed by charismatic and multi
> talented new leading man William Blair.
SERVO: Who isn't me. Really.
> It features celebrity guest villains and
> co-stars the
> talented Jerry Lee Kmiec.
SERVO: Oh, is the great Jerry Lee Kermit going to...
CROW: [interrupts] That's K-miec.
MIKE: Maniac?
SERVO: ENIAC.
MIKE: Epicak.
SERVO: Jimmy Smits.
> AGENT ACTION! is currently in the middle of a heated bidding war
> by international distributors.
MIKE: [French accent] YOU take eet!
SERVO: [German accent] Nein, YOU must take it!
>The winner may have more than just an ordinary hit on
> its hands.
SERVO: Did we mention naked women?
> It may have the milestone catalyst of an international event.
CROW: Yeah, and...huh?
>***********************************************************
>****************************************
CROW: My God, it's full of Perths.
> 2
>
> OSCAR PICK FAVE FOR 97 ? AGENT ACTION!
SERVO: New Super Bleach, with Agent Action.
> Talk for the next Oscars has already started. And the news is
>overwhelming for one film: AGENT ACTION!
CROW: Now I know Oscar the Grouch likes trash, but I don't think
he likes trashy MOVIES, as such.
> What "ACTION" seems to have is what the current Oscar picks lacked:
>both great directing, great acting, and great writing all in one.
MIKE: [sarcastic] That is both cool, awesome, and far out.
>And the lions credit is aimed at one man;
SERVO: And the credit is aimed at one man's loins;
>multi -talented star and director William Blair.l
SERVO: Who, I reiterate, is not me.
> Insiders are predicting Blair may receive the most multiple Oscar
>wins ever: As best actor, best director, and best writer.
MIKE: Don't you mean, "BOTH best actor, best director, and best writer?"
>What's more: as producer and special
>effects director of photography consultant: he might also nab the best
>picture Oscar and cinematography Oscars, too! Can Blair and AGENT
>ACTION! pull off this unprecedented feat?
MIKE: Will the Swiss navy conquer the world?
SERVO: Can the Amiga become the #1 OS by 1998?
CROW: Will Satan be skiing to work?
> It would certainly be a day for the all time record books. Of
>course this is just speculation at this point. One thing is certain,
>though, 1997 is the year for moviegoers to enjoy AGENT ACTION!
SERVO: Ask for it at the video store in 1998 and they'll say: AGENT WHO?
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
CROW: No more asterisks?
>3
>
> CAN AGENT ACTION! CRUSH SCHWARZENEGGER?
SERVO: Well, yes and no.
CROW: Huh?
SERVO: I mean yes, we'll can Agent action, and no, we won't crush
Schwarzenegger.
CROW: Ahh.
> One fact seems clear: William Blair is the world's hot new action
>star! Not only that, he appears to be a World-Class director as well.
MIKE: Two words, Will: Decrease dosage.
>It is this multi-talent
>capability- and freshness- that has Schwarzeneger and Stallone scared -
CROW: Freshness?
MIKE: Remember that freshness goes better!
SERVO: Arnold Schwarzeneger...is...The Freshmaker!
>yes, the
>world seems to be saying, replace these old fogies with new talent!
SERVO: The voices in my head also seem to be saying, hit them in the
dressing room with a pipe.
> William Blair, and AGENT ACTION! seem to be the cure for the
>movie goers
>case of tired old action star Blues! Arnold / Sly - next stop is the
>old folks rest home
> for you!
SERVO: Yes, the voices seem to be saying, slip live ammo into their prop
guns...
MIKE: Tom, that's just TOO dark.
> We're William Blair fans now! Long live # 1 action star William
>Blair! - AGENT
>ACTION!
CROW: Sieg HOOTERS! Sieg HOOTERS! Sieg HOOTERS!
>
>///////////////////////////////////////////////////////
>///////////////////////////
SERVO: Man o man, I wish those were Traskmobile tracks.
>4
>
> SEX, NUDITY, AND AGENT ACTION!
>
> For the many curious to see big breasted naked actresses
CROW: I take back every bad thing I said about this movie!
SERVO: Woo woo woo woo!
MIKE: Um, guys...
>in AGENT ACTION!,-
>there is good news.
CROW: Big gazongas!
>A preview/trailer
SERVO: Whatever you call them things.
>is now reportedly in the cutting stages.
> This minute and a half of selected scenes should wet the palate
SERVO: ...and the pants...
>of the curious.
CROW: Massive mammaries!
> AGENT ACTION!, a "Bond" type thriller set in the near future, is
>highly anticipated.
CROW: Golden bozos!
SERVO: Crow!
MIKE: Do you need a time out, Crow?
CROW: [sniffles] I'll be good.
>It reportedly features the aforementioned Big breasted actresses (
>including Erika Olsen/ Playboy Mar 97 ) among several other ravishing
>beauties.
SERVO: Want attention? Use breasts.
MIKE: A message from the National Breast Council.
> The movie is said to star and be directed by multi talented new
>leading man William Blair.
SERVO: Who, let me mention again, is not me.
>Celebrity guest villains round out the colorful cast.
> The movie apparently also features lush exotic locations from
>around the world.
MIKE: Including the rock quarry down the street, and my uncle's garage!
>Excellent cinematography and a tight nit thriller story round out this
MIKE: Whoa! Don't speed-read the middle part of that line, guys.
>highly anticipated production.
> This is probably the most anticipated movie on the planet today.
CROW: The anticipation for the highly anticipated production is very high.
>And the thought of a trailer - possibly soon downloadable on the net - is
>fantastic.
SERVO: I used my new NetScape plugin to download the thought of a trailer!
>But hurry please!
SERVO: [agitated] Ok! Ok! [confused] What am I doing?
MIKE: [agitated] I don't know, just DO IT FAST!
>The wait is almost more than curious movie buffs can bear!
>
>
>****************** ///////////////////////////
>************************* ///////////////
SERVO: Bill, you should really choose ONE annoying paragraph separator
and stick with it. Asterisks and slashes just don't mix.
>5
>
> JAPANESE "ABREAST" OF AGENT ACTION!
SERVO: [deep voice] I MADE A FUNNY!
>
> Tokyo.
SERVO: Saigon.
> If there's one group of moviegoers clamoring to see AGENT
> ACTION! -
> It's the Japanese. They certainly have a yen
> for big breasted naked
MIKE: ...Robots!
> blondes - and
> AGENT ACTION! will supply that - and more!
>
> Nippon theater owners apparently are in a rare fight to obtain
>the first prints of AGENT ACTION! It is said to be the most anticipated
>movie in the Orient.
CROW: Except for the new Jackie Chan movie.
SERVO: And the new Hello Kitty film.
>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>6
>
> WHY DOES AGENT ACTION FEATURE NUDE BREASTS?
ALL: Because Will is one obsessed puppy.
> 'Cause Secret Agents love them!
MIKE: Superspies come runnin' for the great taste of porn!
>How could Sean Connery, Roger Moore, or
> Pierce Brosnan battle villains without a little jiggle?
CROW: [voice of Sean Connery from Goldfinger] Oh, Pussy...
> And the same goes for new Agent
> extraordinaire William Blair - AGENT ACTION!
>
>
> ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
MIKE: Uh-oh. The asterisks and slashes have cross-bred to produce
a bunch of plus signs.
>7
>
> RUSH - FOR WORLD WIDE RELEASE
MIKE: Is that their new album? "For World Wide Release"?
SERVO: No, that's what Bill wrote on the package containing the
video tape of Agent Action.
CROW: And then he got arrested for sending a bomb in the mail!
> IS AGENT ACTION! THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE?
> Film fans, critics, and cinephiles the world over are engaged in a
>heated debate.
SERVO: [shocked voice] STUFFING INSTEAD OF POTATOES!?
CROW: Less filling!
MIKE: Macintosh forever!
> Is the new Sci-fi action film AGENT ACTION! the greatest movie ever
>made?
MIKE: We heard you the first time you asked!
CROW: Is the new Sci-fi-action-"Bond"-type-thriller-Agent-Action!-starring
new-leading-man-William-Blair-highly-anticipated-big-breasts-bidding
war-international-distributors-Olsen-Playboy...<gasp for air>
...even FINISHED yet?
> Opposition is fierce. Names such as Welles, Kubrick, Scorsese,
>Spielberg, and Oliver Stone are of course getting huge support.
> Movies such as Citizen Kane, 2001, Goodfellas, ET, and Platoon are
>being heralded as the all time champs.
>
> And yet, the new found furor won't subside.
SERVO: Ich bin der new-found fuhrer, und ich will not subside!
>AGENT ACTION! now has its own legions of rising vocal fans.
CROW: We thank both of you!
>And its star/ director William Blair is
MIKE: Starving for attention, apparently.
>receiving the lion's share of the credit.
> Can this new group of fans, of a movie not yet even released be
> right? Can the few purportedly bootlegged copies of an advance rough
>cut be enough proof?
>Is AGENT ACTION! such a highly commendable piece of celluloid?
SERVO: Will Ant Man save Lucy from the Dynamite Twins?
CROW: Will the narrator stop using so damn many rhetorical questions?
> History be damned these new fans seem to be saying. Forget the
>work of the "old fogies", William Blair
ALL: [tired voice] Who isn't me.
>Is the brilliant purveyor of cinema's
>future!
>
> And AGENT ACTION! is proof - at 24 frames per living color
>second!
>
>===============================================================
MIKE: All paragraph dividers are equal.
SERVO: But some are more equal than others.
CROW: And some girls' mothers are more equal than other girls' mothers.
>8
MIKE: Eight...eight...I forget what eight was for...
> SEX, ROMANCE, AND AGENT ACTION - WILLIAM BLAIR!
>
> Girls, Good News - William Blair is single! Yes the 6 ft, 185 lb.
>leading man is available! And if his blue eyes don't get you - his
>charming and suave manner will!
CROW: Was there ever a more pitiful plea for sexual attention?
>Check him out in AGENT ACTION! Then in his exciting new upcoming feature
>THE RIDE!
>
>((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
>(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
SERVO: Oh, so the rest of the article is SO parenthetical it's practically
non-existent.
CROW: This would cause so many LISP errors it's not even funny.
>9
>
> WAR! - BIDDING BATTLE BREWING
SERVO: Bigger bosoms better!
MIKE: Beowulf battles big beasts!
> Major movie distributors are sharpening their pens.
CROW: [Grinding whining noises]
SERVO: Mr. Johnson--no, Mr. Johnson, only pencils go in the sharpener.
Mr. Johnson...
> Agents and Lawyers are taking sides. Telephone faxes are arming for
>duty.
MIKE: Arm faxes! Calibrate pagers! Copiers on stun! Turbines to
speed!
> Why? For the bloody battle over the international distribution
>rights to AGENT ACTION!
>
> The movie world landscape is now upside down. How? Witness ancient
>releases like Star Wars now doing first run BlockBuster business. Plus
>expensive new releases are bombing.
SERVO: As are cheap no-name releases like Agent Action!
>With this confusion its a new war out there. And formerly
>defended movie turf is up for grabs!
>
> Which studio army can capture the anticipated blockbuster AGENT
>ACTION!?
>
> Will it be a major battaliion force like UNIVERSAL? Of can a rising
>guierrila army like Miramax or Gramercy capture the goods?
SERVO: I can't take it, guys...I've got to close those parentheses!
Here goes...))))))))))))))
CROW: Wow.
SERVO: ))))))))))))))))))))))) [pant gasp]
MIKE: Hang in there...
SERVO: ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))! Phew!
> No one can predict the battle's outcome yet. But one victor is
>certain: the Audience. The World Audience - millions of popcorn and
>action loving troops who will be the happy victors as they embrace
>viewing AGENT ACTION!
SERVO: Millions of happy people embracing?
CROW: Sounds like PR for the 1960's.
>^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
SERVO: Next jewelry item: a 54-carat line, embedded in spam!
>10
>
> WILLIAM BLAIR - TRUE INDEPENDENT - NOT SUNDANCE ASS- KISSER
>
> While most Independent filmmakers nowadays are just shameless ass
>kissers - of Sundance "god" Robert Redford, William Blair stands alone.
CROW: No one will play with William Blair. But William Blair is
not discouraged. William Blair is running for president.
> The so called Independent movie movement is sickening.
>Independent -
>Independent of what?
SERVO: In your case, Will, independent of any redeeming human value.
> Most of these films are undisguised "auditions" for studio jobs.
>And the cast lists of these movies look exactly like their Studio
>cousins: Tori Spelling for godsakes!
SERVO: Tori Spelling for godsakes!
MIKE: Shannon Daughery for Mayor!
CROW: Shoes for industry!
> And most of these butt-kiss directors need to start living a
>life - rather than patterning these grotesque homages to angst populated
>by the ever tiring Steve
>Buscemi ( Whoever said this guy could act? )
CROW: You got your ennui in my weltschmerz!
SERVO: You got your weltschmertz in my ennui!
> The real barfola however, is how the "intelligensia" and
>"psuedo hip" are
SERVO: ...surrounded by quote marks.
>pronouncing Oscar kudos on these lightweight nothing movies.
>
> Lets face if folks: Ransom was a much better film than Fargo.
>Wake up you morons.
SERVO: Don't flatter your audience, Bill.
>Can anyone even sit through Fargo twice without
>falling into a deep coma.
CROW: Oh, I sure did love dat Fargo flick. Dat was a good one.
SERVO: Oh, yah, and I sure do love dem Packers.
> And last years Spitfire Grill - what a joke that was!
MIKE: PLEEZ SEND NOOD ONDER WATER SPITFIR GRILS!
>It had all the thrills and
>technique of a bad TV movie of the week!
>
> Is there hope? Damn tootin!
> And my vote for movie of the year is AGENT ACTION!
CROW: Well, that'll put it one vote above "Jungle to Jungle".
> It cuts the sprocket holes
>off those "independent" lemming-ized ass-kisser movies .
>
>///////////////////////////////////////////////
>////////////////////////////////
.
.
.
.
.
SERVO: Why? Why must we endure this?
MIKE: What sin could a man commit in a single lifetime...
CROW: Uh, guys? I can explain.
SERVO: Really?
CROW: Yes. Look at this chart.
[pulls out this chart:]
--------------------------------------------------------
COST OF MUCH-NEEDED [] COST OF
PSYCHIATRIC HELP [] INTERNET ACCOUNT
[]
50 bazillion dollars [] $20/month
--------------------------------------------------------
MIKE: I see. This might explain...
SERVO: START to explain.
MIKE: This might start to explain...
SERVO: ATTEMPT to explain.
MIKE: This might start to attempt to explain the madness
that is William Blair.
Servo: Maybe.
CROW: Pretty spiffy chart, huh?
[Minivan]
PEARL: Sorry guys, I'd love to stay and chat, but I saw a great ad on
the personals channel. Seems he's a 5'10'' actor, director, and
producer, with enchanting blue eyes--he's coming over to pick me up,
so I'm just going to leave the van on cruise control until it's
time for this week's experiment, ok?
[Satellite of Love]
MIKE: Well, I really think...
SERVO: [hits Mike] Shhh!
MIKE: Oof! [to Servo] What? What?
[Minivan]
PEARL: Bye, guys. I'm off to spend an exciting evening with...Agent
Action! [fixes her lipstick, and pushes the button]
--
Stephen Tanner (tan...@math.wisc.edu)
IS AGENT ACTION! THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE?
Whitney Anne Fitzgerald
On 16 Apr 1997 18:19:26 GMT, tan...@math.wisc.edu (Stephen Will
Tanner) wrote:
[snippage of post]
I shouldn't have tried to read this at work...it's hard to maintain an
air of professionality when coffee's coming out of your nose....
Whitney (wishing she'd seen the original Agent Action! post)
-----------------------------------------
Whitney Anne Valentine Fitzgerald
MSTie #2136
"aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATHUNK"
-- Crow T. Robot, "The Mole People"
-----------------------------------------
Maciej Jeremiah Smuga-Otto
Stephen Will Tanner (tan...@math.wisc.edu) wrote:
: IS AGENT ACTION! THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE?
THIS
SENTENCE! DOES IT
NOT INCLUDE AN
EXCLAMATION MARK?
The above was a french-canadian free verse kibaiku. If you ROT-13 it,
you'll get the same thing, but ROT-13ned. Obscure, pointfree, downright
suicidally depressing.
Just the way Greatland likes 'em.
--
Maciek,
Unstoppable Logic Ranger.
Who can't for the life of him remember if it's "exclamation point" or
"exclamation mark" so he chose randomly and hoped it was the wrong one.