A Grand Slam MiSTing (2/4)
Bill Livingston
Mike: o/` I'll never be - like Endicott! o/`
>by Rob Morris
>
Tom: Looks like we're about to Rob Morris to pay Pearl.
Crow: Ouch!
>As Odo entered Kira's quarters,
Crow: He slipped himself under the door.
> he saw her motion for him to be quiet.
Mike: [Kira] Shhh! "Monk"'s on!
>Both O'Brien children were still staying at Nerys's.
Tom: Oop, Miles musta missed this month's rent check.
> The O'Briens, separated for
>almost two weeks by a bizarre twist of time and space
Crow: A.K.A. Standard "Trek" plot number 55.
> were - busy.
Mike: They're catching up on two weeks' worth of Narbonic and Sluggy
Freelance.
>Kira activated the one-way sound dampeners
Tom: It's - THE CONE OF SILENCE!
> so that she and Odo could talk without
>waking Molly and her little brother.
>
>"Oh, I love those kids!
Mike: [Kira] Especially with that Honey Mustard sauce!
> But if Keiko and Miles don't come for them soon, I
>swear I'll have them hosed down!
Crow: Well, that's one way to rinse off all the apple juice and cake frosting.
Mike: Oh, I'm sure the kids aren't that bad.
Crow: Huh? Oh - uh, yeah - the, um, the kids. Heh.
> The Padre told me that the Klingers are the
>same way, back in 1956!"
>
Tom: And let the crossover action commence - now!
Mike: Deep Space Nine and M*A*S*H - it's such a natural, too.
>Odo smiled,
Tom: Well, he at least rippled his protoplasm.
> at the thought of The Priest with the Prophet-awakened ability to
>traverse the timestream.
Crow: Sam Becket leaps into Father Flanagan!!!
> The man's discussion with Odo and the simple faith
>possessed by Francis Mulcahy made the burden of Odo's destiny as his people's
>savior easier to bear.
>
Mike: I remember this one - Hawkeye steals a runabout and crashes the Dominion
War Peace Conference on Ouijanboo XII.
>"Temporal Affairs absolutely hates him! So does the Kai!
Tom: So does Rush Limbaugh! And Tom Daschle! And Lisa Kudrow, for some
reason!
> You know, Nerys,
>maybe we should send him after Dukat!"
>
Crow: Or maybe they should send him after a couple of Whoppers.
>Kira's smile faded.
>
Tom: She wandered out of her cellular coverage area.
>"No, Odo, I don't see us doing that. I mean, Dukat would love to get his hands
>on a Prophet, wouldn't he?"
>
Crow: Starfleet posts round-the-clock guards on Elijah and Elisha.
>Odo looked confused.
>
Mike: It's hard to tell, but trust us - he does.
>"You mean, get his hands on a host of the Prophets, don't you?"
>
Crow: Conan O'Brien?
>Kira put her head down,
Tom: And backed away slowly.
> then looked back up to speak.
>
>"Odo, Father Mulcahy doesn't yet realize it,
Mike: [Kira] But he'll never work in TV again. Not that *we* should talk...
> but he---kind of IS one of the
>Prophets! The being who claimed to be their Father showed me that Prophets
>sometimes assume mortal lives.
Tom: They enter the Federal Prophet Protection Program.
Crow: I hear there's this one former Prophet who's running a hardware store
in Tucson now.
> The man known as Francis Mulcahy is one of them."
>
Mike: Plus, Colonel Flagg was a Romulan spy.
>Odo shuddered, and instantly his clothes shifted - again -
Tom: [Kira] Hey! The restraining order says you can't do that!
> to those of the
>wartime fatigues once worn by Father Mulcahy.
Crow: [Mulcahy] My word, Quark, this jocularity is most unseemly.
> Kira looked at him with a
>mixture of concern and amusement.
>
Tom: Plus a heaping dollop of sexual frustration.
>"Nice. Wanna Try for Vedek?
Mike: Or go for what's behind door number 3?
> What did that being show you, in your visions?
Tom: Just a guess? The things to be.
>They seem to be staying with you, most of anyone."
>
>"That being?
Mike: Or that state of being?
Crow: You into Existentialism, Mike.
Mike: Nope. Verb. That's what's happening.
> Nerys, he all but identified himself as the God that most Terrans
>worship!
Tom: Wow! He spoke directly to cash?
> More, the Prophets seemed to acknowledge him.
Crow: [Odo] He gets a 10% cut off the top.
> Have you spoken with
>anyone about this?"
>
Mike: Maybe it's just me, but does anyone else feel a bit uneasy about God
having a cameo appearance in a Star Trek fanfic?
Tom: It sure makes it the crossover to end all crossovers.
Crow: Maybe literally!
>"Odo, who would I speak with?
Tom: [Odo] What about Mel Gibson?
> 'Oh, Kai Winn! Guess What? I met a being who may
>be the parent to the blessed Prophets.'
Crow: [Kira] Plus, I just saved a *bunch* on my runabout insurance with Geico!
> I don't even want to think about that
>claim,
Tom: I mean, the copyright wrangling alone...
> let alone what she would do with it, once she heard."
>
Mike: She'd develop it into a zany new sitcom - "The Major and the Almighty".
>Kira's faith had been both joyously fulfilled and badly shaken by the events
>in River Bend.
Crow: She'd heard about the lonesome loser.
Mike: You mean that he's beaten by the Queen of Hearts every time?
Crow: Yeah, he's a loser, but he still keeps on trying.
> Odo very wisely decided to change the subject.
>
Tom: [Odo] So, how about those Cardassians, huh?
>"In my first vision, I was the Padre.
Mike: The *San Diego* Padre.
Tom: Odo was batting clean-up for Tony Gwynn.
> Pierce and McIntyre had a bizarre scheme
Mike: It involved a pocketwatch, five pounds of creamed corn and Frank Burns'
footlocker.
>to prevent a man named "Painless" from ending his life.
Tom: 'Cuz that would bring on many changes.
Crow: Eh - I can take or leave them, if I please.
> It involved me in a
>way I couldn't quite comprehend.
Mike: [Odo] And it didn't help that Colonel Blake had Borg implants.
> Also, these two looked different from the
>Pierce and McIntyre we met.
Crow: [Odo] Pierce was all preachy and sensitive and stuff, and McIntyre had a
mustache and kept whining about a wife and kid in California.
Tom: [Kira] You just got hold of one an episode from their later seasons.
> They had a rowdier, harsher edge to them.
Mike: The parts of Pierce and McIntyre will be played be Triple-H and the
Rock.
>That vision was weird enough. In my second,
Crow: [Odo] I was Hot Lips that time. Frank asked me to meet him behind the
laundry tent and...
> I awoke in a large, spacious office,
Mike: On BBC-America.
>with a man yelling..."
>
>"Clayton! HEY, Clayton!"
>
>Clayton Endicott the 3rd awoke from his bizarre dream of being a cop.
Crow: On patrol with T.J. Hooker, no doubt.
Tom: So now we've moved from Start Trek to M*A*S*H to Benson?
Mike: I'll say this for Rob - he's ambitious in his crossoverloading.
> Pete was
>standing right next to him.
>
>"Clayton, uh, schedule?"
>
Tom: Fridays at 8:30, 7:30 Central, on ABC.
>Endicott realized he was late putting together the schedule for Governor
>Gatling's trip to Greatlink.
Mike: Home of the largest chain in whatever state they're in.
> He oozed through his entire desk, looking for a
>pen.
Crow: Ew!
Mike: Actually, it sounds kinda like the boss at a temp job I had once.
> Absently, he realized that Pete was of a species he had never seen
>before.
Tom: *gasp* It's the rare and lovely Ethanus Phillipicus!
> As he hurriedly attempted to finish the schedule, in walked ever-cocky
>Lieutenant Governor Benson Dubois.
>
Crow: Followed by the entire cast of "Sports Night".
>"Clayton, where is that schedule? If the Dominion thinks were showing
>disrespect,
Mike: Then they ain't seen nothing yet!
> they could invade! Generally, that would drive the Governor's
>approval rating DOWN!"
>
Crow: I dunno, didn't seem to hurt Bush.
>Now Endicott was confused. Something from his dream leaked through.
>
Crow: So it's not just a crossover - it's a *dream sequence* crossover.
Tom: All we need is self-insertion and slash for a grand slam.
Crow: So to speak.
Tom: Er, right.
>"My people are invading 20th Century Earth?"
>
Mike: No, just 20th Century Fox. They got a three-picture deal.
>Benson looked at him askance.
>
>"Well, Clayton, I hear that they thought about invading during the
>Renaissance,
Crow: They're the idealized version of the compleat Renaissance changeling.
Tom: Are you sure they're not just a Klingon merchant?
Crow: No, they're *not* a Klingon merchant!
Mike: The Monty Python Star Trek Renaissance sketch, everyone.
> but ol' Billy Shakespeare was all booked up!
Crow: He'll be on "Ye Olde Late Shew, with Sir David of Lettermanne".
> Pete, go help the
>Governor find his tie!
Mike: [Benson] And not the one with the hula dancer on it!
> While you're at it, help Krause find her BRAIN!
Bots: Brains! Argh! Graaar! *slurp* Brains!
>Tie first, though. There are, after all, priorities!"
>
Crow: Like call before you dig...
Tom: Caress before you dress...
Mike: I before E except after C...
>Pete left, to do as he was bid.
>
Tom: Pete's monitoring e-Bay for those ultra-rare "Soap" Pez dispensers.
>"Benson, what species is Pete?"
>
>"What species? He's A Talaxian!"
>
Mike: You can tell by his cologne - "Eau de Leola Root".
>"Where do Talaxians come from?"
>
>Dubois patronizingly pulled Endicott's cheek. Somehow, it hurt.
>
Tom: It hurt like having someone pull on your cheek.
>"Nowwww, Clayton! Didn't your mommy tell you where aliens come from?"
>
Crow: The three-headed Xythanian fire-stork brings them.
>"Can the routine!
Mike: Put it in Mason Jars! Get ready for a long winter!
> Where is he from?"
>
>"We found him in the Delta Quadrant, Duh!"
>
Crow: "Duh." Never before has a fanfic summed itself up so succinctly.
>"How did we end up in the Delta Quadrant?"
>
Tom: Doctor Smith sabotaged the Robot and - oh, wait.
>Benson moved in for the kill.
>
Crow: [Steve Irwin] Crikey! This Lieutenant Governor is enraged, mates! Looks
like I better dangle me kid in front of 'im to calm 'im down!
>"That's easy, Clayton, you were driving!"
>
Mike: [dully] Ah ha ha. Those wacky "driving changeling" jokes work every
time.
>DEEP SPACE NINE
Tom: Today's sci-fi scores are: Deep Space 9, Babylon 5; Blake's 7, SG 1; and
in multiple overtime, Sealab 2021, Space 1999.
>"So, Nerys, that's how the whole thing went. I appeared to have no purpose but
>to serve as the butt of this man's jokes.
Crow: So he was their Mike Nelson?
Mike: Hey!
> Jokes I always walked into, I might add."
>
Tom: Oh, he *was* their Mike Nelson.
Mike: Is this Demean and Belittle the Jumpsuited Human Day or something?
Crow: Oh c'mon, Nelson, lighten up.
Tom: Yeah, that's *every day* around here.
Mike: Okay then, I just - hey!
>Kira had a question.
>
Mike: [Kira] You know a good plastic surgeon? I'm gettin' wrinkles in my
nose wrinkles.
>"What about the Dominion?"
>
Crow: And what about Bob?
Mike: And what about Joan?
Tom: And what about love?
>"Oh, them. Well, we were late, and they did invade,
Tom: But they had no exit strategy and it ended badly.
> and the Governor's
>approval ratings started to dip.
Crow: Mmmmm - dip!
> But then Benson had the woman Krause pose
>as another Alien Queen
Mike: [Odo] She attached herself to Sigourney Weaver's face.
Tom: Lucky alien queen!
> who threatened and tricked the female shapeshifter of
>our acquaintance,
Tom: Renee Zellweger?
> and all was well within 25 minutes, as they agreed to a
>treaty against our "common foe".
Mike: Namely, Ryan Seacrest.
> Then Pete married his wife,
>who--discorporated.
Tom: Can you show that on prime time TV?
Crow: Not on basic cable. Maybe premium or pay-per-view.
> Right at the end, the female shapeshifter saw Krause out
>of makeup, and got worried,
Mike: She wondered if she should switch from Cover Girl to Lancomme, too.
> but signed anyway. Very bizarre.
Crow: That's one word for it.
Tom: [Kira] Okay, that's it - no more anchovy and cayenne pepper protoplasmic
pizzas before your nap!
> And I haven't
>told you the strangest part."
>
Crow: [Odo] I had a face! A real face!
>Nerys couldn't imagine anything more strange, but asked anyway.
>
>"What's that, Odo?"
>
Tom: It's a tattoo. Don't ask how he got it.
>"Well, the Governor and Benson were running against each other for
>re-election. The winner was just about to be announced."
>
Mike: And they got to sit behind the desk while everyone else had to
do a Hoedown with Drew.
>Kira nodded.
>
>"So, who won? Dubois or Gatling?"
>
>Odo shook his head.
>
>"I don't know!
Tom: [Odo] That's when Katherine Harris showed up and the whole thing just
went straight into the crapper!
> The being ended the image right then, and it never resumed!
Crow: [announcer] Your prophet is experiencing technical difficulties. Please
do not adjust your soul.
>Nerys, I simply have to know who won! Even talking with Father Mulcahy hasn't
>helped rid me of my curiosity on this matter.
Tom: [Odo] I may have to talk to Father Dowling! Or even Father Murphy!
> What do you think?"
>
Mike: You - the audience at home?
>"I don't know, Odo. Some questions just don't have easy answers.
Tom: Like what's the sound of one hand clapping?
Mike: Or what's the square root of pi?
Crow: Or who exactly is keeping "Joe Millionaire" on the air?
> Or, it seems,
>any answers at all. 'What If' is a dangerous, wasteful game to play.
Tom: Oooh, careful there, colonel - there a couple of newgroups full of folks
who might disagree with you there.
Crow: Yeah, they'll sic their Alien Space Bats on you!
> I mean,
>'What If' we had all failed to stop Arne Darvin from killing Kirk?
Mike: Well, for one thing, David Gerrold would be out of work now.
> 'What If'
>that man's famous five-year mission had ended two years early as a result?"
>
Tom: Think of all the green-skinned space babes who'd have never known that
sweet, sweet Shatner Love!
>Odo laughed.
>
Crow: A sound like someone blowing air bubbles into a bottle of dish
detergent.
>"Ok, so I'm being foolish. But did you have to use such a ridiculous example
>as that?"
>
Mike: [Kira] Okay, what if you had to stop the Nazis by pushing Joan Collins
in front of a truck?
Tom: [Odo] See? *Much* more believable.
>Odo then left, feeling somewhat better.
Mike: Sharing his psychotic episodes with his girlfriend always cheered him
up.
> On his way into Sisko's office, he
>passed Worf,
Crow: But he still finished second behind Smarty Jones.
> who had been royally grilled
Tom: Mmmm - fresh grilled Klingon, Memphis style!
> over the Tuttle incident, and looked it.
>
Mike: The "Tuttle" incident?
Crow: Yeah, you remember him - Worf had lunch with him just yesterday.
>"Ah, Constable! Just the man I wanted to see!
Tom: [Sisko] Can I interest you in a "Spencer: For Hire" boxed set?
> We'll need extra security, the
>next 3 days. Company's coming!"
>
Mike: "Star Trek: Three's Company"!
Crow: Sisko moves in with Dax & Kira and has to pretend he's a Bajoran! And
it's wacky!
>"I'll do what I can, Captain. What kind of company is expected, if I may ask?"
>
Mike: Paramount, probably.
>"We're going to be receiving a crew for the 2nd Prometheus-class ship ever
>built!
Tom: [Sisko] I hope they remembered to poke airholes in the crate this time.
> My old friend Captain Gatling will be joined by his XO, Commander
>Guilliaume, and Science Officer Krause.
[silence]
Tom: Okay, the dream sequence is one thing, but *this*...
> Now, Odo, I'd like your people to
>inspect their ship, the W.E.B. Dubois,
Crow: Tell me this isn't happening.
Mike: It isn't happening.
Crow: Liar!
> and check for signs...
Mike: Such as "Warning. Unstable Crossover ahead."
> SISKO TO BASHIR!
>Doctor, the Constable has fainted in my office!"
>
Crow: [Sisko] Bring a medkit! And a roll of Bounty!
>"Doctor Bashir is treating some radiation burns, Captain!
Crow: Frank Burns is radioactive?
Tom: HULK SMASH PUNY FERRET FACE!
Mike: And again, you're giving the author ideas.
> But I'll be right up!"
>
>"Are you new here, Doctor?"
>
Mike: [Doctor] Yeah, and, uh, could you validate my runabout parking?
>"Yes, sir! It's an honor to meet you! I'm Doctor Endicott!
Mike: Oy!
Crow: Why do I have this feeling that any minute, Gul Chester Tate is going to
come bursting through the door?
> Heh! Some people
>seem to think I even resemble your constable!"
>
Tom: [Endicott] Have you met my uncle, Colonel West?
>THE END
Crow: But wait! Here comes DeSaad & Captain Sir Edney!
Tom: Let's scram before they really do.
[All leave]