[MiSTing] "Trials and Tubby-lations" [Teletubbies/VOY/X-Files] [2/5]
Matthew R Blackwell
[Mike, Tom, and Crow enter and sit.]
Crow: We seem to be in for a surreal day.
Tom : Yep.
Mike: It could be worse. Howard Stern might have been out there
with them.
Crow: True.
>From worf_d...@msn.com Sun Jun 28 22:38:05 1998
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: NEW: The Teletubbies Incident (Voy, J/C, PG)
Crow: From the acclaimed author of "The Tubbies at Nuremberg."
>From: "mary wiecek" <worf_d...@msn.com>
>Date: Sun, 28 Jun 1998 23:38:05 -0400
>
>The Teletubbies Incident
>Mary Wiecek
>Rated: PG, for an open-mouthed kiss
>Series: Voyager
>Codes: J/C
>
>Summary: An encounter with the teletubbies gives Captain Janeway
>and Commander Chakotay something to think about.
Mike: Bonnie Raitt must have helped with this story.
> If you don't
>have a little teletubbies fan in your life,
Tom : You should count your blessings.
> you won't have a clue
>what this one is about. Don't say I didn't warn you.
>
Crow: YOU DIDN'T WARN US!
Mike: Must you be so contrary?
>Disclaimers: Paramount owns the Janeway and Chakotay characters.
>I don't know who owns the teletubbies,
Crow: Eric Clapton, I think.
> but I promise, cross my
>heart and hope to die, that I'm just borrowing them, and not a
>hair on their fuzzy little heads will be harmed...
>
>~~~
>
>"Over the hills and far away, teletubbies come to play..."
>
Tom : [Charlie Brown] But my teletubbies live in a condominium.
>Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay materialized on a hillside
>covered with pink flowers. They studied their surroundings in
>confusion. The sky was bright azure, with cotton puff clouds. The
>grass beneath their feet was spring green, but somehow didn't look
>quite right.
Crow: [Chakotay] Somehow this isn't how I pictured the Borg
homeworld.
> Janeway gasped when she saw the sun. It seemed closer
>than the sensors had indicated, and was dominated by the face of
>a darling baby.
>
All : YIKES!
Mike: You were right, Crow. That is good old fashioned nightmare
fuel.
Tom : It's probably just gas. Get it? 'Cause it's a star...
>Commander Chakotay acted quickly. Pulling the Captain protectively
>behind him, he pulled his phaser from its holster on his belt.
Mike: Yep, that phaser will do a heck of a lot of good against
an 'F' series star.
Crow: Commander Chakotay. He's brave, but dumber than a bag of rocks.
> The sun smiled
>and let out a delighted giggle.
>
Tom : Sunspot activity increased tenfold, sending systemwide
communications into a tizzy.
Mike: Crazed sentients rioted as they discovered that they
couldn't watch the latest episode of "Two Guys, A Girl,
and A Pizza Place."
>Janeway stepped out from behind Chakotay's back. "At ease,
>Commander," she muttered.
>
Crow: [Chakotay, whining] But you told me I could kill all
of the cute things....
>"I'm Captain Kathryn Janeway of the starship Voyager. We come in
>peace," she told the sun.
>
Crow: Unfortunately, I can see Janeway trying to talk to a star.
>The sun gurgled and cooed.
>
Mike: Expelling huge streams of plasma and vaporizing the
planet nearest the sun.
>"We were hoping that we might procure some food supplies on your
>planet,"
Tom : This is what they've been reduced to? Way to guide them,
Neelix.
> she added. "Can you tell me where I might find your leader?"
>
>The wide-eyed sun just looked perplexed.
>
Mike: Well, there's your problem. "Leader" has two syllables.
>Janeway sighed. "Well," she said to Chakotay, "perhaps we'll have
>better luck with the four humanoid lifeforms that we detected. This
>is an unusual planet - it has a surreal quality to it..."
>
Tom : [Janeway] Is David Lynch directing this episode?
>"At least the bunnies are real," Chakotay observed. He nudged the
>Captain with his elbow, "look at those two..."
>
Tom : It's Jenny McCarthy and Carmen Electra!
Crow: This better not be a crossover with "Singled Out" too...
Mike: Hey, I wouldn't complain...
>Janeway looked at the bunnies that he'd indicated and blushed
>furiously.
>"We have WORK to do, Commander," she said sharply.
>
Tom : Is *that* what they call it in the 24th Century?
>They walked towards a circular structure in the distance that was
>covered with the same grass-like material as the ground. "Perhaps
>they'll let us have some of the bunnies," Janeway mused aloud,
>"The crew has been asking for some real meat."
>
Crow: What, hasn't it been enough of a meat market since Seven of
Nine showed up?
>Chakotay stopped in his tracks. "You wouldn't EAT the cute little
>bunnies, would you?" he asked in horror.
>
Mike: Chakotay. Famed Maquis leader. Slayer of Cardassians. But
threaten to eat some bunnies, and he turns to jelly.
>Janeway put her hands on her hips and scowled. "I KNEW I should
>have brought Neelix down here instead of you..."
>
Mike: [Janeway] These pink clouds have me feeling frisky, and
that top-knot... rrrowl!
>Their argument was interrupted by a strange sound. An odd
>periscope-type device had sprung from the ground nearby.
Crow: The Fab Four arrive to assist the Voyager crew in their
fight against the Blue Meanies.
>It was apparently part of some type of public address system,
>because it announced, "Time for teletubbies, time for
>teletubbies..." Janeway scanned it with her tricorder, but, like
>everything else in this strange place, it didn't register at all.
Tom : Book titled "Secrets of the Universe?" Didn't register.
Mike: Portal marked "Back to Earth?" Didn't register.
Crow: Barry Shutnik? Didn't register.
>Commander Chakotay pointed toward the structure. A blue projectile
>had popped out of the center. "Tinky Winky!" it shouted.
>
>Commander Chakotay grasped the Captain by the arm.
Crow: To Marsha Brady that'd be second base, y'know.
> "Captain," he
>asserted, "I am responsible for your safety. PLEASE stay behind me."
>
>She didn't argue, primarily because she was too stunned. They
>both looked in open-mouthed shock as three more projectiles
>emerged from the structure.
>"Dipsy!' a green one proclaimed. "La La!" came from a yellow one.
>"PO!" was the triumphant call of the red one.
>
Tom : Po? That's Klingon for "Honorless scum! May your ancestors
look down upon you and smite you and your offspring out
of existence and may children scoff at your cowardice from
now until the very stars grow cold and lifeless!", right?
>The creatures had landed on the top of the structure and now ran,
>spilling down the sides. Chakotay again unholstered his phaser,
>but the little creatures were completely unconcerned.
Mike: They knew that Chakotay can't hit the broadside of a barn.
> They
>stopped just in front of the starfleet pair and tumbled to the
>ground, rolling and kicking their chubby little legs.
>
>They were pear-shaped creatures, very wide in the hip and thigh
>area,
Mike: Can anyone think of a riff that won't alienate our entire
female readership?
Bots: No.
Mike: Moving on, then...
> and they were completely covered in brightly colored fur,
>except for their faces. They each had a differently shaped antenna
>protruding from the tops of their heads, and a silver rectangle
>on their little bellies. Their faces were sweetly animated
>and their eyes had a look of innocence that was
Tom : ...belied by their six-inch claws.
> rather endearing.
>They reminded Janeway of a doll that she'd been given as a child.
>'These must be the teletubbies,' she surmised. She decided that
>they looked harmless enough.
>
>She stepped out from behind Chakotay once again, saying, "It's all
>right, Commander, I don't think that they mean us any harm."
Tom : Janeway would soon regret those words, as Tinky Winky's teeth
latched onto her throat.
>Chakotay looked dubious and hovered protectively behind her left
>shoulder.
>
Crow: That's why I don't like fanfic...the characters have all
these powers that they don't have in the show.
Mike: He's not actually *hovering*, you buffoon.
Tom : It's a good thing that Chakotay isn't on DS9. Kulkalaka
would have driven him insane long ago.
>"I'm Captain Kathryn Janeway of the starship Voyager. This is my
>first officer, Commander Chakotay. We come in peace."
>
Crow: Oh great. Janeway and Chakotay are going to be killing
the Tubbies for their adrenal fluids now, I just know it.
>"Kafin come peas! 'Kotay! 'Kotay!"
Tom : Hey! Buckwheat's on the planet too!
> said Tinky Winky, the blue
>one, excitedly
>
>"Kafin, 'Kotay, tubby cusstid?" inquired Po, the red one.
>
Crow: When James Joyce writes for Star Trek.
>"What?" Janeway asked Chakotay under her breath.
>
>"Our universal translators must not be functioning," he observed.
>
>First contact was
Mike: ...probably the most overused title in the ASC archives.
> interrupted as the wind suddenly kicked up. A
>large pinwheel behind the structure began to spin rapidly,
>making a whirling sound.
>
Tom : "First contact?" The first contact with the Vulcans had more
dignity than this, and they were playing "Ooby Dooby" at the
time!
>"Uh-oh!" the creatures chorused. They scampered to the top of the
>nearest hill. Mystified, Janeway and Chakotay followed, warily.
>The creatures began to undergo some kind of transformation. Their
>antennae were glowing and the silver rectangles on their little
>bellies showed some kind of static. Apparently, they were
>viewscreens.
Crow: Unfortunately, they only pick up "Team Knight Rider."
> Eventually, only the yellow creature who called
>herself 'La La', remained in the transformed state.
>
>"Oh, oh look, La La!" Tinky Winky exclaimed.
>
>La La stood, looking down at her belly with pride,
Tom : "Her?" How on EARTH can you tell?
[Mike leans over to whisper something to Tom.]
Tom : Oh. [Mumbling] I'll have to remember that.
> swaying to
>and fro. Gradually, images began to appear on the screen.
Tom: [Chakotay] Hey! It's _Throw Momma from the Train!_ Boy,
I wish they had killed Billy Crystal's wife 'cause she...
Oh. Sorry Captain.
> Janeway and
>Chakotay both perked up, because the images were of the two
>of them!
Mike: Instinctively, the pair began to riff upon what was
happening on the screen.
> Together, on a vacant and beautiful planet. Seated
>across a table from one another, hands clasped, an ancient
>legend hanging heavily in the air.
Crow: "Scale: 1 inch equals five miles."
> Embracing on a small sailboat,
>a breeze blowing Janeway's hair into both of their faces.
>Walking arm-in-arm into a room full of happy people.
>
Tom : Who inexplicably stopped being happy the moment the pair
entered.
>The images ceased and Janeway exchanged a smiling glance with
>her first officer.
>
Mike: [Janeway] Do we really look like that?
Tom : [Chakotay] Don't worry, the teletubby always adds ten pounds.
>"Again, Again!" the creatures demanded. "Again, Again!"
>
>Once again, the images played out on the yellow creature's belly.
>As they watched, Janeway and Chakotay moved almost imperceptibly
>closer to each other. Chakotay was still standing behind his
>Captain, and by the time the images ended, she was almost, but
>not quite, leaning into his chest.
>
>The creatures gathered around them, and crushed them
Tom : Yaah! Not what I expected!
> into a
>fuzzy embrace.
Tom : Whew.
Crow: So Chakotay and Janeway are anthropomorpic vampires now?
> "Big hug!" they exclaimed, gleefully. Janeway
>and Chakotay shared a bemused look.
>
>"Yes, well..." Janeway began.
>
>"What does it all mean?" Chakotay wondered.
>
Mike: [Janeway] Chakotay! This in not the time to be pondering
the role of mankind in the universe!
>But before they could figure it out, the pinwheel began
>spinning again. This time, it was the green one, Dipsy, who stood
>with his antenna glowing and his viewscreen activated. Chakotay
>felt a sense of foreboding. Dipsy reminded him a bit of Tuvok...
Mike: Tim Russ must be moonlighting.
Crow: Still, Tuvok's screen could only pick up ESPN2.
>
>This time the images were laced with static, not really in focus
>- as if they hadn't quite happened. Yet. But there was no
>mistaking what they were. Chakotay, laughing in the arms of
>another woman, as Janeway looked on with regret.
Mike: [Janeway] B'elanna! I thought I was the only woman for
you?!
> Janeway,
>dancing with a faceless man on an alien world, as Chakotay
>turned away, unable to conceal the hurt.
Tom : [Chakotay, hurt] I bet Mr. No-lips can't kiss like
*I* can...
> The two of them,
>exchanging an achingly polite, professional handshake in a
>corridor at Starfleet headquarters, then turning from each
>other - profound sadness in their eyes. Walking away.
>Walking away.
>
Mike: Fan Fic Walking!
>The teletubbies were uncharacteristically silent. There were
>no exuberant cries of "Again, Again!" Not this time. Chakotay
>looked at Janeway, but she wouldn't meet his eyes. She looked
>down.
>
Tom : The sheep looked up.
>"Kafin, 'Kotay sad." La La whimpered.
>
>"So sad!" wailed Po, ruefully, throwing herself into Tinky
>Winky's comforting embrace. He patted her head, murmuring
>"Dere, dere Po, dere, dere."
>
Crow: Dipsy, obviously sick to the teeth of Janeway/Chakotay
romances, says nothing.
>The sun sighed forlornly.
>
Tom : Somewhere, a child was born into a life of poverty.
>Chakotay took Janeway by the arm and turned her to face him.
Mike: Then they, and the tubbies, began to jitterbug. Oh what
fun they had!
>He lifted her chin - to force her to look into his eyes. A
>tear was slowly coursing down her cheek. He brushed it away
>gently with his finger. "It doesn't have to be that way,
>Kathryn," he said, softly.
>
Crow: [Chakotay] I have blackmail material on the writers...
>And they all watched and waited: Chakotay, the teletubbies,
>and the sun, as unfathomable emotions played across Kathryn's
>face. They all knew - it was up to her. There was a war going
>on inside her -
Tom : This better not turn into a diarrhea ad.
> reluctance, uncertainty, protocol, recklessness,
>determination, and love. Finally, she spoke, bring her hand up
>to caress Chakotay's face.
>
Crow: [Chakotay] Let's *never* have kids.
Mike: [Janeway] Lord, no.
>"We can't let it end like that," she whispered, "it would be
>so wrong." She reached up to firmly pull his head down, and
>their lips met. The teletubbies exploded with a tubby cheer!
Tom : Violent fic, this.
Mike: The 736th Kamikaze Scottish Teletubbie brigade had struck
again!
>They joined hands and skipped around the new couple gleefully.
>
>Chakotay couldn't believe what was happening. After all these
>years, her resolve was broken by little fuzzy creatures with
>a limited vocabulary.
Crow: Hey, maybe Geordi oughtta introduce Leah Brahms to the
Pakleds.
>Before she could change her mind, he deepened the kiss, pressing
>his tongue between her lips to meet hers. She gasped, then
>moaned, and then pushed him playfully away, reprimanding him,
>"Chakotay, NOT in front of the teletubbies!"
>
Mike: When are they going to learn? "Not in front of the
teletubbies" means "not in front of the teletubbies."
Crow: I don't see that becoming a bumper sticker any time
soon.
>But her words belied her actions, as she pulled him to her
>again, feverishly, overwhelmed by the emotions that she'd
>just allowed herself to acknowledge, after all this time.
>They were devouring each other, and their hands were beginning
>to wander and explore. The teletubbies tittered.
Tom : They're not the only...oh, forget it.
> Suddenly a
>loud voice, which seemed to come from everywhere, admonished,
>"Noooooo..."
>
Mike: Suddenly a voice BOOOOOOOOMS out: "Hands off, pal."
>They pulled apart, guiltily.
>
>"Is it God?" Janeway asked.
>
[All three speak simultaneously.]
Tom : Why does God need a public address system?
Crow: If it is, he probably won't need a spaceship.
Mike: [Shatner] What does God....needwiththeTeletubbies?
[An embarrassed pause.]
Mike: Whoops.
Crow: Well, at least we were all thinking along the same track.
>"Akoo-cheemoya!" Chakotay exclaimed.
>
Crow: With the speaking of those words, Chakotay grew to 40 feet
tall, becoming the mighty Apache Chief!
>"Don't be absurd," the voice boomed, "I'm not a sacred presence,
>I'm just the narrator!"
>
Crow: Wow! The most self-effacing self-insertion fic ever!
>"Oh," Janeway said, pulling herself together. "I'm Captain
>Kathryn Janeway of the..."
>
>"I know who you are," the narrator said, exasperated.
Tom: [Narrator] UPN *does* promote the hell out of your show,
after all.
> "But it
>is time for you to leave this place. You are beginning to
>corrupt the teletubbies."
>
Mike: [Narrator] See? Now they're trying to sacrifice Po to the
Elder Gods! Shame on you Janeway!
>Janeway blushed, and even Chakotay had the good grace to look
>embarrassed.
>
>"We're very sorry," she said, abjectly. Remembering their mission,
>she asked, "We are running low on food supplies, would you be
>able to spare..."
>
>"You CAN'T have any of our bunnies," the narrator said, sharply.
>
Mike: [Janeway] Actually, I was thinking about Po...
Tom : [Chakotay] Always did like Kung Po chicken.
>Chakotay shot Janeway a quick 'told-you-so' look. She scowled at
>him, good-naturedly.
>
>"We can, however, spare some tubby custard," the narrator added.
>
Crow: So if Naugahyde is made from nagas, is Tub...Ewww!
>At this, the teletubbies scampered into the structure. They emerged
>after a moment, rolling a large keg. It took them a while to roll
>the keg into position in front of Janeway and Chakotay, because
>they kept getting diverted by each other's little antics.
Crow: Now they sound like the Morning Zoo Crew.
> Po
>pushed La La, then La La pushed Po - Tinky Winky and Dipsy had
>a rolling race down one of the hillsides. Janeway and Chakotay
>looked on, their mouths hanging open in disbelief.
>
>"I don't know how I'm going to enter this in the log," Janeway
>murmured.
>
Mike: [Janeway] Captain's Log, Stardate 53162.3. Today I am
a woman...
>"I look forward to reading it," Chakotay said with a grin.
>
>"Now, you must leave," the narrator intoned.
>
>"Big hug!" the teletubbies cried, once again enveloping the
>starfleet pair.
Tom : Actually, they're the Lovely Angels, unless you
have a death wish.
> Janeway and Chakotay returned their embrace,
>patting every fuzzy head that they could get a hand on.
>
>"Thank you," Chakotay said.
>
>"For everything," Janeway added, meaningfully.
>
Tom : [Chakotay] My loaning you my hedge clippers isn't that
big of a deal, Captain.
>The periscopes emerged from the ground once again, announcing
>"Time for tubby bye-bye, time for tubby bye-bye..." The
>teletubbies laughed and ran away, and the narrator cautioned
>them, "Noooo..." Clearly, the narrator was going to have his
>hands full getting them to bed, so Janeway took the opportunity
>to hail the ship.
>
Mike: But the ship had its "Off Duty" sign lit.
>"Janeway to Voyager. Two to beam up, and a keg of tubby custard."
>
>"Captain?" It was Tuvok's voice.
>
Crow: [Tuvok] Captain, obscenity on open channels is a violation
of FCC regulations.
>"I'll explain later," Janeway sighed.
>
>"Acknowledged."
>
>Just before the transporter beam caught them, Janeway reached
>over and took Chakotay's hand. She smiled at the look of
>surprised delight that crossed his face. And then, they were
>gone - to face their new future, together.
>
>The sun beamed happily,
Crow: [sun] They're finally gone! Now I can watch Rosie!
Mike: Puns...must...not...call...Narn...bat...squad...
> then gave a sleepy yawn.
>
>~~~
>
>As the sun sinks in the sky, teletubbies say goodbye.
>
>The End.
>
>
>
[Mike nods to the others.]
Mike: I think that's it.
Tom : Yep.
Crow: Back to the magic kewpie dolls then.
[They exit and leave.]
[1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ]
[The Bridge]
[Mike stands behind the command console, drinking a cup of
coffee and reading a newspaper. He is flanked by Dipsy who
is staring intently at him.]
Mike: [Reading] Wow. They lowered the prime rate again. That
makes me wish that I owned a house so that I could
refinance it.
Dipsy: Eh oh. Pime Ate.
Mike: Yep. [Looking at Dipsy] You know, there's a tribe in
the Amazon that has a temple devoted to you...
Dipsy: Hokama matsu. Hobata!
Mike: Um, yeah.
[Crow strolls into view.]
Crow: Hi Mike. I see that one of those Tubbies is stalking
you too.
Mike: Yeah. [puzzledly] Um, where's your Tubby?
Dipsy: 'ubby! 'ubby!
Crow: I've been teaching him, er, her, ah, who knows, some
tricks. [Crow turns offscreen.] Lo Lo!
Mike: Laa Laa.
Crow: Whatever.
[Laa Laa enters, carrying a beer.]
Crow: See? I call, and the Tubby brings me a cold, frosty
beer. It now serves a useful purpose in society.
[mumbling] I just wish I actually drank beer...
Mike: Great. You've corrupted a children's icon. Well, I've
got Dipsy safe under my care...
Dipsy: Doxyibonuclecitaxid!
Mike: [mumbled] I hope. [Normal] And you've corrupted Laa Laa.
That just leaves Po and Tinky Winky...
[Gypsy runs in, from stage left.]
Gypsy: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Keep him away from me!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Gypsy quickly runs off stage right. Tinky Winky quickly
enters, chasing Gypsy, and follows her off stage. Crow and
Mike stare at the retreating pair for a moment.]
Mike: [Pause] I'm not quite sure how to read that one. So,
we'll just have to wait for Tom...
[On cue, Tom enters.]
Tom : Evening everyone.
Mike: Hi Tom. Say, you haven't seen Po, have you?
Tom : Po?
Crow: The giant furry thing that looks like a Technicolor
kewpie doll?
Tom : Ooooh, Po. Yeah, I've seen her. Heh, heh, heh.
Crow: Well, where is she?
Tom : Probably relaxing from her trip to Tom's Chateau
d'Amour.
[Mike and Crow stare at each other for a long moment.]
Mike: Um, Tom...?
Tom : You know, she's quite a woman...
[Mike buries his head in his hands. Crow's jaw drops.]
Mike: Tom, please tell me that you didn't...
Tom : Yep, I really rocked her world...
Mike: We're going to hell for this. I just know it.
[The theater sign begins to flash.]
Dipsy: 'Ubby sign!
Mike: That's close enough to hell for our purposes. We've
got Tubby sign!
Tom : That Po had Tommy sign, if you know what I mean...
[The trio exits.]
[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .]
monnie...@my-dejanews.com
mbla...@ix.netcom.com (Matthew R Blackwell) wrote:
> Mike: Hi Tom. Say, you haven't seen Po, have you?
> Tom : Po?
> Crow: The giant furry thing that looks like a Technicolor
> kewpie doll?
> Tom : Ooooh, Po. Yeah, I've seen her. Heh, heh, heh.
> Crow: Well, where is she?
> Tom : Probably relaxing from her trip to Tom's Chateau
> d'Amour.
> [Mike and Crow stare at each other for a long moment.]
> Mike: Um, Tom...?
> Tom : You know, she's quite a woman...
> [Mike buries his head in his hands. Crow's jaw drops.]
> Mike: Tom, please tell me that you didn't...
> Tom : Yep, I really rocked her world...
> Mike: We're going to hell for this. I just know it.
As someone who is forced to watch these things while babysitting, I have to
say that you're a very sick individual.
>:) I loved this. And I laughed so hard that I think I sprained something. :)
Monica-http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Lair/4970
"I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it."
-Spike, "Buffy: The Vampire Slayer"
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