MiSTed - "Royal & Prime Directives" (Marrissa Stories) 5/8

[Bill Livingston]

[SOL - Mike and the Bots are at the console]

MIKE: You know guys, I've been thinking. What with all those Guerin
things and Doc Thinker Scooby-Doo/Superman stories, I've really
come to appreciate these good old-fashioned Ratliff fics.
TOM: I know what you mean! This story is a real breath of fresh air
after the Digi-Defenders series!
CROW: Yeah! After all those, Reuben and Prime Ribs is a real breeze!
And at least Ratliff's stories, flawed as they are, have some
semblance of logic and coherence to them - well, in their own
charming yet unintelligible way!
MIKE: Hey, you know what we should do? Call Stephen and thank him!
TOM: Yeah! It's the least we can do.
CROW: Yeah, let's do it!
MIKE: Okay, here goes... Hello, Stephen?

[The Ratliff Residence - seated at a computer is a young man who looks
suspiciously like Edward Norton (I know he usually looks suspiciously like
Brad Pitt, but Brad declined to appear in this fanfic due to his unexpected
yet fortuitous discovery that he's now married to Jennifer Anniston).]
STEPHEN: Yes? Oh - it's you guys. What's up?

[SOL]
MIKE: We just wanted to call you and let you know how much we
appreciate you and all you've done to brighten up our lives. So...
thank you... just... for being you!

[La Casa de Maison Ratliff]
STEPHEN: Oh. Well, gosh, I, I don't know what to say. You're welcome...
I guess. It's nice to know my fanfics have made a difference.

[SOL]
TOM: Oh and they have! And you know, things can get pretty tense in that
theater, and I'll be first to admit, some of our riffs go WAY over
the line. But you realize that it's all in good fun and you keep
sending us fanfic after fanfic, never once complaining that we're not
being fair, or in any way attempting to get revenge on us.

[Ratliff Estates]
STEPHEN: Really guys, it's nothing.

[SOL]
CROW: Oh, but it *is* something! It shows strength of character to just
turn the other cheek when we question Marrissa's sanity. Or *yours*.
MIKE: Uh, Crow...
TOM: And that time when we got subscriptions to Playboy, Penthouse, and
Hustler in your name and had them sent to your mother's house, well,
anyone else would have tried to get us back. But you simply took it
in stride!
MIKE: Tom, I think...

[Stately Ratliff Manor]
STEPHEN: [A bit suspiciously, yet calmly] I always *wondered* how that
happened. And Mom never looked at me the same way after that.

[SOL]
CROW: Or that time we got access to your credit card number...
MIKE: Crow, perhaps we shouldn't-
CROW: ...and ordered 12 million copies of the DVD of "The Lost World:
Jurassic Park II" off Amazon.com delivered to your house. Did you
swear you would not rest until you got revenge? No, you simply
smiled and took it with dignity.

[Ratliffwalker Ranch]
STEPHEN: [Fuming, but controlling himself] Oh, that was *you* guys, huh?

[SOL]
TOM: Or when we ordered that Singing Strip-O-Gram and-
MIKE: Okay! I think we've thanked him enough!

[Ratlifficello]
STEPHEN: Okay, that's IT!!! I *was* going to refuse to give Pearl the
rest of "Royal and Prime Directives" so you guys could relax - but
FORGET IT!!! All bets are off! It's you or my story. Now back into
the theater, worms!

[SOL]
TOM: But...
CROW: But we...
[Lights flash, usual craziness]
MIKE: Save it. WE'VE GOT RATLIFF SIGN!!!

[Chaos, doors, etc.]

[6] {5} (4) <3> |2| O

[All enter]
TOM: Man, I didn't think he'd be *that* mad.
MIKE: Yeah, well I'm just glad you guys didn't get to the one where you
reported him to the FBI for drug trafficking.

>Path: sn-us!sn-xit-06!supernews.com!nntp.cs.ubc.ca!nntp-relay.ihug.net!
>ihug.co.nz!cox.net!newsfeed1.earthlink.net!newsfeed.earthlink.net!
>stamper.news.pas.earthlink.net!newsread2.prod.itd.earthlink.net.POSTED!
>not-for-mail
>From: Stephen Ratliff <stephen...@earthlink.net>
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: NEW TNG Royal and Prime Directives 9/16 (Marrissa Stories)

CROW: The next chapter in the saga of the Great Marrissa and her voyage
to the sea to the great and boring Prince Avery!

>Message-ID: <6fmkiu0q8van51bbp...@4ax.com>
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>

CROW: So, if I'm reading this right, there've been almost 160,000
posts to ASC?
TOM: Yep, pretty much.
CROW: Wow. That's an awful lot of bandwidth dedicated to getting
Janeway and Chakotay to play snugglebunnies.
MIKE: Well, now, be fair - some of it is devoted to other pursuits.
CROW: Such as?
TOM: Getting Harry Kim and Seven to play snugglebunnies.

>Title: Royal and Prime Directives
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
>Contact: stephen at trekiverse dot org
>Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories
>Part: NEW 9/16 Serialized Biweekly
>Rating: [PG]
>Summary: The crew of Enterprise-E investigates a planet where a
>starship Captain crashed 20 years ago has been ruling a small nation
>

TOM: Captain Khadaffy was unavailable for comment.

>Chapter Eight: Uncertainty and Hope
>

CROW: Two words that have nothing to do with each other.

> By the time Marrissa had seen Prince Avery to safety, the
>midday sun had been replaced by the rolling clouds of the coming
>afternoon and evening thunderstorm.

CROW: I see a bunny.
MIKE: I see a ducky.
TOM: I see a painting by Thomas Eakins.

> She had promised to do a little
>delivery for Earl Cedric,

MIKE: See, people say that Marrissa is horrible as a comedian because
she has no sense of comedic timing, but no one can beat her delivery.
TOM: Yeah, she's one of those where it's not necessarily that what she
says is funny. It's more how she says it.

> who Avery had appointed acting guard
>commander. It was fortunate that two thirds of the guard were off
>duty and in town when the attack had come.

MIKE: Because they might have actually stopped the attack or something!

> They wouldn't be enough to
>take back Odyssey, but they would be enough to contain the invaders.

TOM: And just barely enough to get up a game of Squamish.

>As a light rain began, the remaining guard were beginning to converge
>on Avtra's Ducal Residence in town, where Avery was.

MIKE: [Avery] My leadership skills are best used when I'm soaking
in the Duke's tub!

> Marrissa had stopped in many of the Inns in town,

CROW: But there was no room at them for the baby Marrissa.

> the Red
>Lion, the Blue Wyvern, the Silver Eagle, and now was on her way to the
>White Dove.

TOM: Next to the Maroon Moose...
MIKE: The Teal Weasel...
CROW: The Puce Elephant...
MIKE: The Hot Pink Orca Whale...
TOM: The Orange Basselope...
CROW: The Daniel Striped Tiger.
MIKE & TOM: Huh?

> This wasn't one of her stops for Earl Cedric.

MIKE: She was just in the mood for booze.

> At her
>last stop, she'd sent word to Commander Riker about the attack, via
>Ensign Ikari, one of her security officers.

TOM: And his shipmates, Ensign Dikari and Ensign Doc.

> Here, her objective was
>to stack her deck.

CROW: And this is why Marrissa isn't allowed back in Atlantic City.

> Sitting in the corner of the main room of the Inn, next to one
>of the corner fireplaces, was another young girl,

CROW: [mouse voice] Cinder-Elly!

> dressed in a simple
>tan tunic.

MIKE: It's Alicia Keys, here to sing her hit single, "Fallin'".

> Her bare feet were tucked under her body, as she sat on
>her knees, drying herself.

TOM: I don't care how limber she is, that's *gotta* hurt!

> The girl's long black hair was strung
>together in black pleats, dripping water. Apparently she'd gotten
>caught in a downpour, which Marrissa had thus far avoided.

TOM: Thank goodness she didn't risk getting wet after skinny-dipping.
MIKE: She probably used a gutter bumber shoot.
CROW: A what?
MIKE: My first invention?
CROW: Not ringing any bells, Mark.
MIKE: It's Mike!
CROW: Whatever.

> "Clara!" Marrissa called out, heading towards her friend.
>Clara looked up, and seeing Marrissa, clambered to her feet.

CROW: [Clara] I wasn't plotting against you! I mean, Hi!

> "Marrissa, boy am I glad to see you," Clara replied, as
>Marrissa lead her over to a nearby table.

MIKE: [Clara] I've been looking for a table for *hours*!

> "Sister Beverly is missing

TOM: [Marrissa] Huh?
MIKE: [Clara] Sorry, I mean Doctor Picard... er... Doctor Crusher...
ah, the CMO of the Enterprise.
TOM: [Marrissa] McCoy's still alive?
MIKE: [Clara] Wrong Enterprise.
TOM: [Marrissa] Phlox?
MIKE: [Clara] No!

>and I didn't know wear to find anyone."

CROW: Oh wear anything but what you have on, girlfriend! Something
with a little kick, some Dior or something.

> "I guess I should have told you where the rest of us were
>getting lodging," Marrissa replied,

TOM: [Marrissa] We like to try the *in*doors.

> sitting down behind the table,
>facing the door. "But now we've got more problems.

MIKE: [Marrissa] It's time for the lunch buffet and we're all out of
crab dip!

> The King and the
>Captain are being held hostage in the Odyssey."

TOM: [Marrissa] Doctor Crusher's stuck in The House of Seven Gables,
Commander Riker's in the Three Musketeers, and the whole engineering
crew is trapped in the Greater Mineral County Area Yellow Pages!

> Clara took a seat to the right of her, and signaled for the
>waitress. "What does this do to our investigation?"

CROW: Screws it up big time, it does.

> "It's now storm-tossed,

TOM: Soggy and disheveled.

> and I'm not sure any of us will be
>able to make heads or tails of it

CROW: Except Commander Harvey Dent.

> unless the King comes through okay,"
>Marrissa said as the waitress arrived at their table.
> "What will you girls have?" the plump waitress asked.

TOM: Thrill as Ratliff describes the weight of minor characters!
MIKE: [Ratliff] And then a portly gyro vendor walked by the trim
insurance salesman.

> "How are the meat pies?" Marrissa asked.

CROW: [Waitress, nervously] Not made out of people, if that's what
you've heard. Ha-ha. [Clears throat nervously]

> "Fresh out of the oven, and the meat was just killed
>yesterday," the waitress said.

MIKE: [waitress] You want it with or without the bloody gristle?

> "Helped cook them, myself.

TOM: It's Shake 'N Bake! And Ah hayulped!

> "Then I'd like a plate of it, and a cup of milk, if that's
>possible," Marrissa said. "I missed lunch."

MIKE: Lunch was a great meal. I wish it was still here.
TOM: [Sobbing] Goodbye, Lunch! And Godspeed to you!

> "That will be two pence," the waitress said.

CROW: It's nice to know that no matter where you go in the universe,
you can always count on finding Medieval England somewhere.

> "Can you make change?" Marrissa asked, pulling a gold coin out
>of her pouch.

TOM: [Marrissa] Oh wait, this is just a chocolate coin I picked up
at Mr. Bulky's.
*Sound of cash register*
MIKE: Selling airtime again?
TOM: Hey, that Godfather DVD collection isn't going to pay for itself.
*Another sound of cash register*
TOM: My mistake, it just did.

> At the waitress and Clara's stare, she continued.
>"Third Officer on a merchant ship pays well,

CROW: Since when?
TOM: Yeah, but how's Alice here gonna know that?
CROW: Hmmm - okay, I'll give him that one.

> and by the time you get
>the post, you've proven that being a girl isn't a problem, so you
>don't have to hide it anymore."

CROW: She could've just said "Don't ask".
MIKE: Marrissa needs to learn that sometimes silence speaks volumes.

> "Change will be no problem, ma'am," the waitress said.

TOM: Of course, first you have to *want* to change.

>"And what will you have, Miss Clarrissa."

MIKE: We could've gotten an Iron Chef to *fix* us a meal in the time
it's taking these two to order!

> "Do you still have that delicious red vegetable stew, today?"
>Clara replied.

CROW: [Waitress] No, all we have left is the yucky, mushy grey stew.

> "Most certainly, it's the cook's speciality, after all," the
>waitress smiled.

TOM: Yeah, so's ptomaine.

> "Some more of that, and that yellowberry juice," Clara said.

CROW: The Ellosians didn't put much thought into naming their foods,
did they?
MIKE: [Ellosian] We'll call it "Greenfruit".
TOM: [Ellosian] Uh, Steve, we already *have* a greenfruit.
MIKE: [Ellosian] Um, then we'll call it - "The Other Greenfruit"!

> "Put hers on my tab," Marrissa said, before the waitress
>walked away.
> "So, what happened today?" Clara asked.

MIKE: After all the excitement of ordering lunch, who can remember?

> "The King is being held hostage, and some how the Captain and
>the Doctor end up with them," Marrissa said. "I was with the Prince
>when it happened.

CROW: [Marrissa] We just had time to get dressed. DRESSMAKERS! We got
uh, the royal dressmaker to cover us. *For* us! Cover *for* us
while we made out. OUR WAY! MADE! OUR WAY! OUT!

> He barely got out of it.

TOM: Sure, all the interesting stuff happens off-screen, but it does
keep the budget down.

> We think it's some Lord
>Henry, heir or possibly Duke of Fasstime.

MIKE: [Marrissa] But I've decided that nothing I say is going to make
sense until I find out. [pause] Chalk monkey!

> I've secured a place with
>Prince Avery,

CROW: He's going to make me Minister of the Exchequer or something.

> and I'd like you to join me. I want to see if I can get
>you inside the Odyssey.

TOM: They'll have to get Gary Lockwood and Kier Dullea to scooch over.

> After all, that was what you're here for."

CROW: I thought she was there simply to assist Beverly?

> "How are you going to convince the Prince to trust me?" Clara
>said.

MIKE: Just hold your hand out, palm down, and let him sniff it.

> "After all, his father is currently being held by a noble that
>I've heard called everything from cruel to perverted.

CROW: But ya doesn't has to call him Johnson!

> It's rumored
>that he was behind the late Earl of Dunsen-on-Fasstime's death, and
>the four children on the Earl's three daughters."

MIKE: [Marrissa] Ah, I see you've decided not to make any sense either
purple socks face!

> "I thought those children were those of the late Earl Drake of
>Avtra," Marrissa said.

CROW: Wait, I thought they were from when Ross had that fling with
Rachel when Joey and Chandler entered that pie-eating contest!

> "Lord Harlan met someone here last night and I happened to
>over hear," Clara said.

TOM: [Clara] Plus, there was this big expose on "Inside Edition".

> "The oldest has green eyes and red hair, just
>like Lord Henry.

MIKE: Sounds like this guy I knew in high school. The Army asked him
to quit.

> The Countess of Dunsen-on-Fasstime has blue eyes and
>brown hair, and Earl Drake had blond hair and blue eyes. It can't be
>Earl Drake's child."

CROW: Yeah, cuz there's no such thing as recessive genes and suchlike.

> "Now that puts an interesting spin on things," Marrissa said,
>as their food arrived. "Now, what's this I hear about you and Bert
>Manning on the ship?"

MIKE: Huh? Clara's dating Glenn Manning?
CROW: I guess that new bread-scented cologne did the trick.

> "He's just a friend," Clara said, before digging into her
>food.

TOM: Nah, I don't see it. They're incompatible. Glenn Manning's a
soulless, slobbering, stumbling, destructive lout, while Clara's
an engineer! They - oh, wait...

> A long drum roll of thunder filled the room,

CROW: Ladies and gentlemen, the Fasstime Raddison is proud to present,
in concert - REO Speedwagon!

> and in the
>silence that followed, the beat of pounding rain could be heard on the
>windows of the inn.
>

MIKE: Kind of a ominous way to end such a boring scene.
TOM: Reading Ratliff's sense of drama is like listening to Mitch
Miller try to sing the Theme from "Shaft".

> Lightning streaked the sky outside the room in the Avtra Ducal
>Residence that Avery and Hayley had been assigned.

ALL: Frau Blucher!

> The room was on
>top of the building's central tower, and not really that big.

TOM: So you folks at home, don't go getting all jealous or anything.

> Just
>room enough for the bed, a night stand, a fire place, and that was it.

CROW: Well, okay, maybe a dressing table and an orchestra pit, too,
but that was *really* it!

> Avery stood next to the window, candlestick in hand.

MIKE: It's like Hitchcock practice.

>The thick window pane was streaked with rivulets of the pouring rain,

TOM: George Clooney and Marky Mark were looking worried.

> but
>even so, he could just make out the Odyssey when lightening lit up the
>sky.

CROW: But not when darkening darkened it.

> Most of the people that Avery felt he could trust were gathered
>in this edifice on the edge of town.

MIKE: Sadly, that list consisted of the castle janitor, the night shift
manager from the Circle K, and his blow-up Jolene Blalock doll.
CROW: Sounds like someone has an Edifice complex!
TOM: [Annoyed] Shut up!

> For a moment his eyes were drawn to Hayley, who was trying to
>find a comfortable position to sleep in.

TOM: Despite what Marrissa told her, hanging upside down by her knees
just wasn't gettin' it!

> She'd definitely get to sleep
>before Avery did. He had too much on his mind. Tomorrow, he was
>taking charge of things.

MIKE: But tonight? It's a Micheloeb moment.

> It was his right, his responsibility, his
>duty. True, he wouldn't have his majority for another year and a
>half, but there were precedents.

TOM: Yeah, it never stopped Dubya.

> His own namesake, King Avery II, had led an army to rescue his
>father, King Ferrel IV, when the Duke of Avtra at the time had held
>him hostage.

CROW: You know, this sounds like a sequel to the Apple Dumpling Gang.

> That probably wouldn't help him though. Avery really
>had no idea what he was going to do,

TOM: And Ratliff's probably not too sure, either.

> so he stood by the window,
>watching the rain and lightning, and listening to the patter of rain
>between the peels of thunder.

CROW: Oh, God, this scene has "song cue" written all over it!
MIKE: It's Prince Critter.

> "Are you going to stand there all night?" the soft voice of
>his intended came from the bed.

MIKE: [Hayley] You're starting to really creep me out!

> Avery turned to see Hayley sitting up,
>holding the covers up against her breasts.

TOM: [Disgusted] Gaah! Stop talking about her breasts!
CROW: Why? What's so bad about it?
TOM: Crow, she's like, thirteen!
CROW: So, it's- [Thinking about it] Eww! That's unsavory!

> "I can't sleep," Avery said. "I've got too much on my mind."
> "Well, you need sleep, and you're not going to get it standing
>by the window," Hayley said as a lightning flash illuminated the room.

MIKE: [Hayley] Unless you're like, some kind of freak who can sleep
standing up. You freak.

> "Maybe not, but I'm not sure I'd get it in bed either," Avery
>said.

CROW: He shoulda sprung for the quarter-activated jobbie.

> "I promise that I won't do any of the things that my mother
>suggested," Hayley said,

TOM: Whoa! Hey, is this Ratliff's idea of a lemon? Because if
it is, I will hurt someone very badly.

> as the distant roll of thunder reached the
>tower room. "I don't want to have a wedding like mother's."
> "How's that?" Avery asked, as he walked over to the night
>stand.

CROW: [Hayley] Locked in the bathroom crying while dad sang old
sea shanties outside all night.

> "Mother was six months gone with me by the time that they
>finished arranging the wedding to my father," Hayley said, laying back
>down as Avery placed his candle on the night stand.

TOM: So she was married posthumously?

> "Okay, not tonight then," Avery said, pulling back the covers
>a little and sitting down on the bed. "My mind is elsewhere, anyway."

MIKE: Wichita. No one knows why.

> "I know," Hayley said, as Avery blew out the candle and
>crawled under the covers. "Why don't you tell me about what's on your
>mind?

TOM: Now it's turned into an hilarious teen sex romp! Haha, what fun!
[Turns to Mike] Kill me.
MIKE: No.

> Mother always said that talking to Father helped her sort out
>things. Maybe I can be... what did she call it... your sounding
>board."

CROW: Weekend nights on Time Warner cable channel 7.

> "Sounding board?" Avery asked.

TOM: [Hayley] You know - a big, dull piece of lumber.
MIKE: [Avery] I dunno, you're over qualified.

> "It's a musical term from Uncle Cedric," Hayley said,
>snuggling her warm body up against Avery. "He once made a living as
>the Court Minstrel.

MIKE: Now he has his own band, The Shrieking Silverfish.

> It's the piece of wood on the back of a lute or
>violin that reflects the sound back out of the instrument. It
>improves the richness of the sound the instrument...

CROW: Except in Uncle Cedric's case.

> I spent too much
>time talking to Uncle Cedric, did I not?

MIKE: And the correct response when a woman asks this kind of question is...?
BOTS: [In unison] What's on TV right now?
MIKE: Good. I have trained you well.

> Avery turned to face Hayley before responding. "I don't know.
>My mother always said that a good ruler should always be well rounded.

TOM: [Avery] 'Course, she'd blimped out to 350 when she said it.

>I play the flute myself."

MIKE: Bah! Only sissies play the flute!
TOM: Oh, got pretty good at it, did you, Mike?
MIKE: [Sheepish] Well, I wasn't too bad.

> "I play the lute, violin, and piccolo," Hayley said.

MIKE: All at once? I wanna see.
CROW: I bet she's got to take her shoes off to do it.

> "At
>least I do those well. Uncle Cedric gets tired of me asking him to
>teach me to play different instruments.

CROW: She keeps blowing into the cello, but nothing happens.
TOM: Still, it sounds better than the bagpipes.

> He's good on over thirty,

MIKE: Don't trust anyone over thirty.

>master of at least seven of those."
> "So you're why he was always late coming back from Avtra,"
>Avery said,

TOM: Me, and that White Castle stop on nine.

> placing an arm around her.
> "He's not allowed to pass through Castrome without stopping to
>see Mother and Father," Hayley said.

CROW: [Hayley] He still owes for 3 months' room and board. Probably never
see a dime, but they keep on trying.

> "It's Mother's orders, with
>Grandfather's concurrence, it's probably one of the few things they
>both agree on."

TOM: Well, they also both agree on Jif Brand Peanut Butter (TM)!
*Sound of cash register*
MIKE: I gotta start selling more airtime.

> "Do your Mother and Grandfather disagree on almost
>everything?" Avery asked.

CROW: No, I just said that they only agree on that one thing because
I was trying to mislead you because I hate you!

> Hayley thought for a moment, before replying. "Not really.
>Mother has her positions that she won't give on, and Grandfather tried
>to push on those when she was young, but she held to them.

TOM: The awful legacy of being forced to eat string beans.

>Grandfather respects Mother for it, and generally they get along
>pretty well."

MIKE: [Hayley] Although there was that massive land war last year.

> "That's not what I heard," Avery said.

CROW: So my questions regarding how they got along were designed to trick
you into revealing a contradiction to my experience.

> "I recall hearing
>about something called the Great Ducal Grape Fight."

CROW: Huh? The what?!
MIKE: Maybe he just means the Tom and Jerry Great Grape Ape Show.

> Hayley giggled. "That was so fun. Would you believe it all
>started over the charge for transporting grain down the Castrome?"

TOM: [sighs] Sadly - yes. Yes we would.

> "A Castle-wide food fight between Dukes started over grain
>prices?" Avery said.

CROW: Wasn't this same plot just on "What About Jim"?
TOM: Yeah, and before that it was on "Seinfeld", and "Bosom Buddies",
and "One Day at a Time", straight back to "I Love Lucy".

> "This I have to hear.

MIKE: Good God, no you don't!
TOM: Really! Put it outta your head!
CROW: We're begging you, please, d-

> How did that happen?"

[All groan]
TOM: Oh, thank you Avery - thank you SO VERY MUCH!!!

> "It wasn't Castle-wide, just in the main hall, where Mother
>was inspecting the latest grape samples, trying to decide which crop
>to press into wine under the Ducal label," Hayley said.

TOM: It was a choice between grapes and pine needles.

> "Grandfather
>had just heard that some of the bargemen had raised their fees,

MIKE: Oh, teamster troubles.

> and
>had ridden 4 days straight from his Castle, or at least that was what
>he claimed, he was entirely too clean to have ridden that far and
>long,

CROW: [Brit] Me grandfather's really clean, then!

> to bring his people's complaint directly.

MIKE: Hayley, princess of the run-on sentence!

> Mother refused to do
>anything to stop the price raise, suggesting that they just get other
>bargemen to do the job, as she knew there were cheaper barges running.

TOM: So she just barged on ahead?
MIKE & CROW: D'oh!

>Grandfather said that only if you wanted them crushed, like some of
>these grapes, grabbed a hand full and demonstrating.

TOM: [Hayley] Now, keep in mind Gramps was off his meds that day.
CROW: So none of this would have happened if only they'd had a more
vibrant trucking industry?

> He got some of
>the juice on Mother's dress, in the process.

CROW: And the royal laundry was all out of Oxy-Clean!

> Mother wasn't happy, and
>decided to return fire,

MIKE: Tales of a Fourth Grade Dukedom.

> saying that of course some grapes would get
>crushed, and tossed a hand full of crushed grapes at him, nothing is
>perfect."

CROW: Oh, verily, for thou art a wise duke, eh? Nyuk nyuk nyuk!

> "I can't believe it."

TOM: Oh, nonononono, don't come whining to us now!
CROW: Yeah, you're the one who started it!

> "Believe, especially since Mother missed, and hit Uncle
>Cedric, who returned fire with a nearby wine skin.

MIKE: Wine's got skin?
TOM: Wine probably has a beard by now - can we pick this up just
a smidge, *please*?!

> He also hit
>Father, who then returned fire and hit me. By the time we were all
>laughing on the floor, covered with grape stains, laughing,

CROW: [Hayley] Did I mention we were laughing?

> the
>argument was forgotten, though."

TOM: [desperate] This is still a Star Trek story, right, guys? I mean,
there's still a bunch of real-life Next Generation characters around
here somewhere, huh? Huh?
MIKE: [Grim] I just don't know anymore, Servo.
CROW: All I can remember at this point is grapes. And laughter - the
bitter laughter of madness.

> They were silent for a while, listening to the soft patter of
>the rain, and the distant rumble of thunder. "Hayley, what do you
>think I should do about my Father tomorrow?" Avery asked.

MIKE: [Hayley] Throw a coconut cream pie at him.

> "What do you want to do?" Hayley asked.

CROW: I want to sing!

> "I want to go in there with my sword slashing, working killing
>everyone who dares to hold my father," Avery said. "But I can't.

TOM: [Avery] I - I didn't register my sword.
CROW: [Heston] Don't let this happen to you! Join the National Sword
Association today!

>I don't know enough. I don't have enough men. Lord Henry has all
>the cards."

MIKE: [Avery] So I can't play solitaire, either.

> "No he doesn't, but you've got to find yours," Hayley said.
>"You need to get information. The Army has to join you.

MIKE: Not a very effective recruiting slogan.
CROW: Beats the one about being an army of one, though.

> You can keep
>Lord Henry were he is, and time is on your side."

MIKE: o/` Ohhh yes it is... o/`

> "Do you really think I can win?" Avery said.

TOM: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha - no.

> "Yes, you are Prince Avery of Ellosia, son of King Richard
>from beyond the stars, you can do anything," Hayley said.

CROW: Can he stampede a herd of three-legged water buffalo through
the desert while riding a tapir?
MIKE: Um, I doubt it.
CROW: Well, he can't just do "anything" then, can he?

> "I'm not that good," Avery mumbled, before snuggling back up
>to Hayley, and falling asleep. His last though was on how good it
>felt to hold Hayley's body up against him.
>

MIKE: He said she had a beautiful body, so she *did* hold it against him.

> "Captain and Doctor have been detained.

CROW: "Leave 50,000 bars of gold-pressed latinum in the trashcan at
corner of Elm and 29th or you'll never see them again!"

> I'm investigating,
>and will report later, Marrissa." The note sat on the table in front
>of Commander Riker.

TOM: [Riker] Who do I know who's named "Captain"?

> It was all he'd received from Marrissa since
>she'd left the previous morning to explore the sewers.

MIKE: And naturally, he was more than a little concerned about the
thick brownish goo it was covered in.

> So, it sat in
>front of him on the table he and La Forge had taken in the main room.
>Her partner, Lieutenant Calgary, had not returned either.

TOM: And since the note was postmarked Vegas, they were worried,
CROW: Oh, I don't think Prince Edward Island will be reporting in
any time soon.

> "Why do I get the feeling that Marrissa is rushing off on some
>spur of the moment rescue plan?" Riker said, tossing the note off to
>La Forge.

MIKE: Let's see, hmmm - oh, yeah, because she's Marrissa.

> "Maybe so, but I don't think we can do anything about it,
>Commander," La Forge said, looking it over.

CROW: [LaForge] You know we're just supporting cast. We can go
drinking at the Verdant Hippopotamus until we're needed.

> "Except be ready for
>whatever comes our way.

TOM: This is just the kind of clear, concise planning that's made
Starfleet the premiere military organization it is today.

> I'll tell Ensign Gonzalez

MIKE: The fasted ensign in all Mexico!

> to prepare a team
>to do a quick rescue assault.

CROW: Of course, they *could* use the Enterprise's transporters to
teleport the hostages away.
TOM: Naah. That'd just be *rude*.

> It's about the only thing I can think of."

CROW: [LaForge] That and those tasty Hostess fruit pies.
TOM: [Riker] Yeah, I'd rescue the captain for one of those!

> "I should have known that Marrissa would do something like
>this," Riker said.

MIKE: [Riker] I was just too busy hitting on the serving wenches here
to do anything about it.

> "She's just like James T. Kirk. Always taking it
>upon herself to solve problems without help or back up."

TOM: Plus she's romancing a crazy green alien babe in a metal bikini
and shilling for Priceline.

> "One could look at it that way," La Forge said. "Of course,
>like Kirk, she's got extraordinary luck to go with it."

CROW: Except in this story.

> "She's also giving me gray hairs," Riker replied.

MIKE: Uh, no, that's one thing you really can't palm off on her.
TOM: [Riker] She made my beard limp and unmanageable too! Really!

> "Especially
>when I have no idea where that little girl is."
>

TOM: When she should be, say, in school or back on the ship, and not
flouncing around on a highly sensitive away mission.
CROW: So why did none of them have a communicator? Were they afraid
of solving problems quickly?

> Duke Nolan rode into the courtyard of the Avtra Ducal
>Residence on his deep blue stately rinnebeast.

TOM: Ah, the rare Smurfy Rinnebeast.
MIKE: Hey, do you guys think Duke Nolan was a better player or coach?
CROW: Well, I do know you can't teach anyone to throw fastballs like
he did.

> At his side was his
>squire, who went by Brett, everywhere but in this town.

TOM: Here, he's known as Mr. Fuzzy Pants.

> The squire
>was on a golden rinnebeast, a gift that was the envy of all the
>squires at Duke Nolan's Castle in Arm. As he came to a stop, Nolan
>looked up at the frontage of the Avtra Ducal Residence.

MIKE: [Rob Schneider] Frontage! The Frontmaster! Frontman and
Chronic! Makin' copies!

> The building
>had a black stone facing, with three towers along the front.

TOM: Sauron will be so jealous!

> Between
>them were carved black stone spikes.

CROW: [Shrek] Sure it's big, but look at the location.

> The Duke was in the majority
>when it came to the dislike of the looks of the building, but he had
>to agree with what Prince Avery had said in the message that had
>reached the Duke around midnight the night before.

TOM: The chicks *did* love it.

> It was the easiest
>to defend of all the Ducal Residences in the City of Odyssey.

MIKE: Maybe because it's so mind-numbingly ugly that no self-respecting
marauder will invade it.

> His squire dismounted first, and then helped Nolan off the
>rinnebeast. "Take the rinnebeasts to the stables, and unsaddle them,"
>the Duke ordered.

TOM: [Duke] Then saddle them again, then unsaddle them twice, then
saddle them one more time.

> "Once you're done, you can resume your real
>identity."

CROW: That of Duke Clark of Kent, a mild-mannered scribe!

> The Duke then turned to the main entrance, discovering
>Earl Cedric standing in it.

TOM: I claim this Earl for Spain!

> "Good Morning, Earl Cedric.

MIKE: [Nolan] How fares the inventory down at Earl Cedric Oldsmobile-
Buick-Mazda?
CROW: [Cedric] Forsooth! We are heavily overstocked! Everything!
Must! Go!

> May I hope
>that events have not conspired to worsen our situation since His
>Highness's dispatch to me?"

MIKE: You may, if it makes you feel any better.

> "So far, no, but it's pretty bad," Earl Cedric said, as he
>opened the door for the Duke. "We've got them contained inside
>Odyssey,

TOM: [Cedric] It took every Ziploc we had, but we did it!

> but that's all we can do at the moment. My sister-in-law,
>the Duchess Castrome,

CROW: Just in case you've forgotten.

> is in the main hall going over the reports as
>they come in. The Prince and Lady Hayley have not gotten up yet."

MIKE: [Nolan] Figures. Lazy bum.

> "We'll send Her Royal Highness to wake the Prince then," Duke
>Nolan said, entering the cool air of the stone building.

TOM: [Cedric] Uh, I wouldn't just yet! The prince doesn't like to
wake up before noon, he's been drinking all night and I'm pretty
sure he has a shotgun in there!

> "My niece will no doubt enjoy the interruption," Earl Cedric
>said,

CROW: [Cedric] She's getting tired of playing canasta all night.

> leading the way the main hall, a two story tall room, lined with
>the shields that the Dukes of Avtra had taken over the years.

MIKE: Along with their Yarnells, too.

> Duchess
>Desiree was seated at the table, not at the head though.

CROW: Of course not. You're silly for even suggesting it.

> That was
>pointedly covered with a dark blue cloak that had gold edging on it
>and the subtle insignia of the Royal House of York.

TOM: A picture of Fergie hawking Slimfast?

> A similar ladies
>green cloak was occupying a chair behind and to the right of the head
>the table.

CROW: Got it?
MIKE: Hold on - [scribble] "behind - and - to - the - right". OK, got it.

> The Duchess looked up. "I hope she doesn't," the Duchess
>said. "I had them together for a reason.

CROW: [Duchess] His creepiness and her vacuousness cancel each other out.

> Ellosia needs more heirs
>soon. Lord Henry's coup attempt shows us just how badly."

TOM: So this is, what, the royal version of a puppy mill?!?
MIKE: This is just wrong!
CROW: But still less offensive than "Temptation Island".
MIKE: True.

> "So security wasn't your only concern last night," Earl Cedric
>said,

TOM: I think it takes more than a night or two to get an heir.

> taking a seat across from the Duchess. "You better not let
>Avery hear about your other motive."

MIKE: [Cedric] In fact, I wish you hadn't told me. I feel a bit ill now.

> "Is someone trying to hide something from my brother?" said a
>new voice.

TOM: Liberace!
CROW: [Liberace] I wish my brother George were king.

> It was Duke Nolan's squire, who had unbound her breasts,

ALL: GAAH!
TOM: That one just snuck up on us!

>and switched her tunic to the light purple and silver one she favored
>as a member of the Royal Family. "Maybe something I can tease him
>about?"

MIKE: Thank God - a mature point of view at last.

> "Just about encouraging him to produce an heir," Duke Nolan
>said, turning back from where he'd been about to take a seat by
>Cedric, closer to the head of the table. "Which reminds me,

TOM: [Nolan] I need it. Badly!

> I should
>talk to your father about you and my son Treavor. And don't you go
>denying the ball two months ago, Princess Brittany."

CROW: Yeah, I don't care what the ref said, you were double-dribbling!

> Princess Brittany blushed and looked away, refusing to meet
>anyone's eyes as she replied, "I don't know what you're talking
>about."

MIKE: Well you see, it started twenty years ago when the USS Odyssey
was damaged in a battle with the Cardassians...

> "Perhaps I can refresh your memory,

CROW: [Brittany] Can I get a 4 Gig DIMM unit?

> the balcony over the
>garden and a certain discarded sword of my son's that you threw off
>it," the Duke said.

MIKE: Yep, sounds like a date to me!

> "But I've already told you about my middle son's
>ways. Earl Cedric, where is Prince Avery quartered?"

TOM: Over there. And there. And there and there.

> "At the top of the middle tower," Cedric said. "If you'll
>take the main stairs to the next floor, then a right, the stairs to
>the upper parts of the tower are straight ahead.

MIKE: [Cedric] Go back downstairs, turn right, go ahead ten paces, turn
left, go up, turn right, walk back down, and make noises like a duck.
CROW: Every single building on this planet was designed by M.C. Escher!
On crack!

> Wake up the Prince
>and his intended. He's supposed to be in charge here."
>

CROW: Ah, this makes me nostalgic for the Reagan Administration.

> Lord Henry strode into the throne room,

TOM: o/` I'm Henry the Eighth I am, I am! o/`

> as his men began to
>search the King and his gathered friends from the fleet.

MIKE: Man, airport security is just ferocious these days!

> He stroked
>his medium length red beard, as he approached the throne.

MIKE: That's not Lord Henry! That's Duke Henry from "Army of Darkness"!
CROW: [Bruce Campbell] Well HELLO Mr. Fancy Pants!

> Before he
>took sat down, he paused, looking over the chair.

MIKE: [Henry] I could sit in it, but that'd be a little obnoxious,
don't you think?

> It was a high
>backed chair, with golden rinnebeast hide.

TOM: It's mirror-universe Kirk's chair.

> The arm rests were
>supported with engraved silver rods. It wasn't the traditional one
>that all the Kings of Ellosia sat in during their coronation.

CROW: It didn't have the Velveteen Royal Remote and TV Guide holder.

> "Where is the real throne?" Lord Henry said, turning fast.

MIKE: There is none. They're all props.

> "If you're talking about five century old throne of kings,"

CROW: Yes, the *real* throne, thank you.

>King Richard began, from his seated position, not even facing Lord
>Henry, "it's under repair, if it can be repaired.

MIKE: [King] I let Louie Anderson sit in it.

> I'm afraid it
>didn't stand up well to Brittany's last visit home."

TOM: She hit it, baby, one more time.

> "Where is it being repaired? And where is Princess Brittany?"

MIKE: [Henry] And where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

>Lord Henry asked, approaching the King.
> "The throne is at William Woodsmith's on Salisbury Street,"
>Lord Harlan replied for the King.

MIKE: With a name like William Woodsmith he had to become a carpenter.
TOM: Or just bitter.

> "Under guard of course.

TOM: Yep, the king is basically on his own, but they've got a lousy
chair surrounded by a full platoon.
CROW: Well, kings are a dime a dozen, but really nice chairs are hard
to come by.

> You can't
>leave such a historic object without protection. Who knows who might
>march in and steal it."

CROW: If *you* know, write us here at the studio and tell us.

> "Like I just marched in and took your castle?" Lord Henry
>replied.

MIKE: [King] Yeah, just like th- hey!

> "So much for your vaunted protection.

CROW: [Henry] I have your vaunts in custody!

> Sir Walter!

MIKE: Go out and discover tobacco!

> Prepare
>a plan to pick up that throne. We're going to need it soon.

MIKE: [Sir Walter] Why don't I just go get it, sir?

> Sir
>Edward!

MIKE: [Lord Henry] Where did you go that you were gone so long?

> I find out whose in charge in the city, and deliver our terms
>for the surrender of the city to us."

CROW: [Henry] And don't forget the part about the big bowl of M&M's
with all the brown ones picked out!

> As the two knights exited the throne room, King Richard spoke
>up. "My condolences on the death of your father, your grace,

TOM: [Henry] Oh, don't try to butter me up.

> but we
>don't believe assaulting your liege lord is a very good way begin ones
>rule.

MIKE: Why not start with a simple insurrection in the morning, another at
lunch, and a sensible bloodless coup d'etat in the evening?

> In fact, it's quite likely to prevent your confirmation as Duke
>of Fasstime."

CROW: I get the feeling the king's not real quick on the uptake.
TOM: That or he has the most inappropriate sense of humor since, um...
CROW: Since you, pretty much.
TOM: Right, he's - huh?!?

> Lord Henry turned walked back to the throne, and sat down on
>it before replying. "I don't think you get it Richard.

MIKE: [Henry] Let's try it again. Three monkeys walk into a bar...

> I'm not here
>to ask to succeed my weak father, who could not stand up to an
>interloping foreigner

TOM: [Henry] I'm here to fail in my own unique way.

> and let the throne slip through his fingers.

CROW: Boy, those are some widely spaced digits.
MIKE: All that inbreeding.

>I'm here to replace you.

TOM: You have an hour to clear out your desk. Leave your badges with
the secretary!

> By the end of the week you and your son will
>be dead, and your daughter will be starting her life as the mother of
>my heirs."

MIKE: You know, if I ever decide to get married and I have to get her
parents' blessing, I'm gonna do it by raising an army to invade
their house and threatening the lives of their other children.
CROW: What if they don't have any children?
MIKE: Then I'll threaten their pets.
TOM: What if they don't have any pets?
MIKE: Then I'll threaten Vince Coleman.
CROW: Oooh.
TOM: Well thought out.

> Not a single sound came from the King or his advisors for the
>next ten minutes.
>

CROW: Wisely, Henry had used the Royal "Mute" Button.

> Prince Avery awoke to the pounding on his door and a familiar
>voice calling for him to wake.

TOM: [Avery] Aw man, did I fall asleep in the stockroom *again*?!?

> As he woke, he pulled Hayley closer,
>like he would have normally done to his blankets.

MIKE: Scrunching her up and pulling her over his head, then tossing
her in the laundry basket in the morning.

> It was Hayley's
>mumbling of "morning already" that finally woke him up fully to his
>surroundings.

CROW: o/` The best part of waking up... o/`

> He looked slightly down at his intended, before moving
>in for a kiss. As he pulled away from that kiss, he spoke,

MIKE: [Avery] Urgh, talk about morning breath!

> "Time to
>get up Hayley."
> His intended's eye's slowly opened, taking in the view as he
>got out of bed,

CROW: She did her best to stifle her sarcastic snickering.

> and reached down to where his tunic and trousers were.

TOM: Oh, this is the one where he's been sped up thousands of time
mere mortal speeds.

>"What we aren't going to try any of those things Mother told me
>about," Hayley said,

MIKE: She wants to run with scissors and not brush after every meal.

> in a tone that Avery was beginning to classify as
>teasing.

CROW: And which he was already sick and tired of.

> "Avery, get up and open the door now, or I'm going to take the
>door down!" said his sister Brittany from the other side of the door.

TOM: Is this *really* the time to remodel?

> "I would, my lady, but I'm afraid that my royal sister would
>interrupt us before we got any where," Avery replied. "You better get
>dressed before she takes down the door."

MIKE: It's TLC's newest hit series, "Trading Castles".

> Then Avery took a deep
>breath and replied to his sister. "I'm up Brattany!

TOM: "Brattany"?
CROW: Johnson's Brat-tanies?

> I'll be out as
>soon as I get dressed."
> "I'll believe it when the door opens!" Brittany yelled back.

TOM: [Brittany] I have no faith without empirical evidence!

>"And don't call me Brattany!"

MIKE: Well, it's nice to know the fate of the kingdom rests in such
mature, capable hands.
TOM: Yeah, the peasants are already getting their "Yey for Henry"
banners drawn up.
CROW: Or they would if they weren't totally illiterate.

> Avery swiftly put his clothes on, and walked over to the door.
>He looked back at Hayley, who was still in bed. "Better stay there
>until I handle Brittany," he said, before jerking the door open.

CROW: [Avery] Try to look as naked and whorish as you possibly can.
MIKE: Oh, *this* certainly won't give her any reason to mercilessly
tease and ridicule him.

>Princess Brittany immediately tumbled into the room. "Really, sister,
>you shouldn't lean on the doors like that. You never know when I'm
>going to open one."

CROW: That's why she wants you to wear this bell around your neck.

> "Humph. Is this any way to greet your sister whose been away
>for six months?" Brittany said, as she stood up.

TOM: At CIA training camp, apparently.

> "When she tries to barge into my room, yes," Avery said.
>"Let's step outside to finish this conversation, so Hayley can get
>dressed."

MIKE: Let's step out of this dry wit and into a warm martini.

> As the door closed behind the two, Brittany replied with a
>saucy smile,

TOM: Oh, saucy Worcester!

> "Get dressed? What interesting and perverted things did
>you do with the Duchesses's oldest daughter?"

CROW: So remind me again, *how* old is this kid?
MIKE: Thirteen. Going on about 45, apparently.

> Avery sat down on the steps down to the floor below to wait,
>and said. "We just cuddled last night. We're not scheduled to get
>married for another week.

TOM: After that, no more cuddling. Ever.
MIKE: I get the feeling these guys are going to need instructions
when they finally do get married.

> Though I think the Duchess wanted us to do
>some of those things."

CROW: This is almost as creepy as that whole "Peeping Mom" thing we
saw in "Soultaker".
TOM: Yeah, but on the bright side, at least we won't find Robert Z'dar
and his immense chin waiting for us around the corner.

> "Mom did tell us about where she found the Duchess during the
>Council on the Castrome succession," Brittany said,

CROW: Hiding in the cellar, bitterly cursing her life?

> idly adjusting her
>sword belt. "It was darn right stupid

MIKE: Well gosh willickers heck!

> to exclude her from that
>discussion, and even stupider to let her and Lord Elden go without any
>escort."

TOM: Or a Taurus, or even a Fiesta!

> "I heard you nearly got caught with my friend Treavor in Arm a
>couple weeks ago," Avery said.

CROW: They're arm in arm in Arm.
MIKE: And now it's time for Abrupt Change of Subject Theatre. I know
people who like to go deer hunting!

> "So I got a little carried away," Brittany said, slumping
>against the outer wall.

TOM: I wish someone would carry *me* away right now. Far, far away.

> "He's one of the few people I encounter that
>know I'm a girl when I'm posing as Squire Brett, and I can let the act
>down around him."

CROW: It's like a wacky, backwards, smutty, unfunny version of "Some Like
It Hot".

> "That's not all that I heard went down!" Avery replied.

ALL: WOAH!
CROW: This - I mean - it's not -
TOM: Mike, what's happened here? Ratliff's suddenly gone from
Treknotripe to penny dreadfuls about bawdy, barely-pubescent
royal twits!
MIKE: I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for all this.
TOM: One that *doesn't* include mass hysteria on our parts?!?
MIKE: Well, geez, if you're going to qualify it...

> Brittany blushed, as she stammered her reply, "We just
>kissed."

MIKE: With our tingly parts.

> "And one of your bindings ended up in his quarters on the
>Godspeed, how?" Avery asked.

TOM: [Brittany] I was doing my book report there, okay?

> The door opened to reveal Lady Hayley, saving a red-faced
>Princess from explaining. Lady Hayley had been fortunate enough to
>get a change of clothes.

CROW: Everyone else was buck naked.
TOM: Right now, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.

> Avery was still wearing his riding clothes
>from the day before, minus the cloak, which he'd left behind in the
>main hall.

MIKE: Surprisingly, a lot of your princess-types gravitate towards
guys who smell like day-old lizards.

> Lady Hayley, however, was now dressed in a deep green
>frock,

TOM: She's ready for her first day waiting tables at O'Charleys.

> with golden clasps holding a similarly green cloak, emblazoned
>with the golden Latin cross of Castrome.

CROW: Reformed orthodox liberal traditionalist reestablished denomination.

> "Good Morning, your
>highness," Lady Hayley greeted her future sister-in-law.
> "Good Morning Hayley," Brittany said. "I'm sorry if I
>interrupted your sleep when I woke my brother."
> "I needed to get up anyway," Hayley said.

TOM: [Hayley] He snores like a buzzsaw in heat!

> "I hope you don't
>plan on waking Avery up like that every day, though."

MIKE: [Brittany] Oh no! Of course not! I have an endless supply of
airhorns.

> "This was a mild one.

CROW: [Brittany] Most mornings we start with death threats and work
our way up from there.

> Usually I barge in and throw some water
>on him," Brittany replied, as they reached the bottom of the tower
>stairs.

MIKE: [shaking head] It's like the Tudors and the Plantagenets
as played by the Three Stooges.

> "Yeah. It's a good thing that my bed dries quickly," Avery
>replied,

TOM: Oh, man, so *many* double entendres here I don't know *where*
to start!

> as they turned passed though the archway that opened up on
>main hall. "Good Morning, your graces." Avery called from the head of
>the stairs.

ALL: How ya doin'?

> As he descended, he continued. "I supposed it's too much
>to hope that events have improved our situation since her grace
>suggested that I get some sleep with her daughter."

MIKE: Let's see - father captured...
TOM: Mother gravely ill...
CROW: On the run from hostile forces...
TOM: Your little sister's just arrived...
MIKE: In need of a cold shower - and not just because you smell like
yesterday's rinnebeast...
CROW: And your destiny's in Marrissa's hands.
MIKE: Yep. Better just give up now.

> "I am afraid not, your highness," Earl Cedric said, as Avery
>walked over to the table. "No one really is sure whose in charge.

TOM: I keep telling you, it's Cheney!
CROW: Oh, c'mon, obviously Condie Rice is the true power.

>Lord Henry is still holding your father and most of the privy council
>hostage. We have at least confined him to the Odyssey."

CROW: So he's "trapped" in the palace made out of a starship, and
everyone else is squatting in piles of rock. Good thinking.

> Prince Avery reached his chair, and picked up his cloak,
>putting it on before taking a seat. "Your grace, Nolan, Duke of
>Armedge, and your grace, Desiree, Duchess of Castrome,

TOM: [Avery] You two know each other? OK, just checkin'.

> I request that
>as two of the senior dukes of Ellosia, a determination on my Father,
>his Majesty, King Richard's

CROW: All three of them?

> ability to rule the kingdom at this time,"
>he asked.
> "As the King is currently being held hostage, I believe that
>he is not able to rule as long as that condition remains," Duke Nolan
>responded.

MIKE: Quite perceptive, that Nolan.
CROW: All this and more, in the next issue of "Duh!"

> "I agree, with his grace," Duchess Desiree said. "Though I
>fail to see how that helps us."

TOM: Hey, if it gets this shipwreck of a story moving, I'm all for it!

> "I do," Earl Cedric said. "As a member of the Privy Council,
>and a representative of my father, his grace, Murdock, Duke of Avtra,

CROW: The three of *them*?

>I move that a call for all members of the Council who are available be
>summoned, and that per the determination of Castrome and Armedge, rule
>of Ellosia has devolved

MIKE: Og King now! Hail Og!
BOTS: Hail Og! Him King!

> onto the shoulders of his highness, the Crown
>Prince, Prince Avery and the Privy Council until the King is freed."

TOM: No matter what century you're from or what planet you're on,
children always grow up fast.

> "He's still short of eighteen," Duchess Desiree said. "He
>can't rule yet."

CROW: [Avery] Well, how about making me King of the Kids' Court, then?

> "I can't rule alone, yet," Prince Avery replied. "I can head
>the Privy Council, though, now that I'm sixteen.

MIKE: And can work the plunger.

> Now can we get onto
>business?"

TOM: The kingdom is saved via a shrewd profit and loss statement. At
least until the Feds stick their crummy noses in, anyway!

> "Certainly, your highness," Earl Cedric said. "What would you
>like to hear about first?"

MIKE: [Avery] Is it true about J Lo & Ben Affleck?

> "Let's start with what forces we have available around us, and
>their loyalties," Avery said.

CROW: All Cubs fans on one side of the room, all the White Soxers
on the other.

> "Earl Cedric, any problems with the
>guard force in the city?"

MIKE: [Cedric] They keep taking five-hour coffee breaks.

> "I haven't found any, yet," Cedric said.

TOM: Other than the fact that as guards, they're about as effective
as Corporal Klinger.

> "They are some what
>demoralized, given how the Odyssey was taken. I don't know how Lord
>Henry got all those men within our layered defenses."

CROW: [Cedric] But I'm sure that giant wooden rinnebeast we brought
inside the city had nothing to so with it.

> "I do," came a voice from the door. It was a young girl who
>looked sort of like Lady Hayley,

TOM: ...if you squinted hard and kind of turned your head sideways.

> accompanied by a younger dark-haired
>girl.

CROW: Daria Morgendorffer and Jane Lane, ladies and gents!

> The elder of the two was wearing the tunic and trousers of a
>merchant ship's officer. "Marrissa Picard, third mate of the merchant
>ship Stargazer,

MIKE: And coffee achiever.

> at your service.

TOM: [Marrissa] You may bow down and pay homage now.

> This is my friend Clara, whose going
>to be attending the Royal School soon."

CROW: [Marrissa] She's going to learn to be as big a twit as you
clowns already are.

> "Please join us, Marrissa," Avery replied, pointing to a
>couple open chairs. "Marrissa helped Hayley and I escape from Lord
>Henry's men at the stables."

TOM: They fell for the old pantomime rinnebeast gag. Suckers!

> "Hayley told me about your sword work," the Duchess said.
>"Most impressive work, even if you did lose your lunch afterwards."

CROW: [Duchess] As a reward, please accept this coupon good for a free
Whopper at most participating Burger Kings.

> "Thank you, your grace," Marrissa responded.

MIKE: [Marrissa] Let me drape intestines all over you and see how *you*
react. Pompous twit...

> "So, just how did Lord Henry get five hundred men inside our
>defenses?" Earl Cedric asked.

MIKE: He just made an end sweep around the left side of the field.
The whole league knows you guys always block right.

> "He used the sewer," Marrissa said.

TOM: [Cedric] Well, that explains why all our forces reported the
invaders were icky.

> "I barely escaped from
>him when I came across him there and barely escaped him early
>yesterday."

CROW: So she barely escaped?
MIKE: Let's not jump to conclusions.

> "What were you doing in the sewer?" Duke Nolan asked, with a
>suspicious glare.

CROW: [Marrissa] Have you seen the lines at the ladies' room?!?

> "Dad, my Captain, wanted to see if the reason he was being
>undercut when he sold his goods was because someone was sneaking goods
>in without paying the harbor tax," Marrissa said, with a grin.

TOM: [Marrissa] I can't believe they're actually buying this.
Mike The ol' harbor tax down the drain gag, works very time.

> "He
>was right, and I bet Lord Henry was running that operation as a cover,
>as it looked like it was being taken down."

CROW: The natural first step to overthrowing the crown - running a black
market cigarette ring.

> "Cedric, get some guards on those sewer outlets," Avery
>ordered.

TOM: Now that it's too late, we should take the obvious defenses.

> "And if you get Dustin, in the City Services Office to work
>on something to prevent people from using them as a way into the city
>again.

CROW: It's called a grate.

> He taught me how they work a couple years back, and might be
>able to fix it without backing the sewers up.

MIKE: Boy, I hate it when the lines get clogged up with enemy soldiers
and stuff - Roto-Rooter charges a premium for that.

> Duke Nolan, since we're
>in your Dukedom, perhaps you can tell us about the forces we have
>here?"

TOM: [Nolan] None in the sewers, your pretend majesty.

> "I've got most of the forces on the move at the moment," Duke
>Nolan said. "Oswald is talking a detachment to the Fasstime border so
>Lord Henry can't send any reenforcements.

MIKE: He says he's gonna stake it out from some kind of book depository.

> Geoffrey is collecting the
>Armedge Army between here and Arm,

CROW: He only needs one issue to have the whole series.

> and should arrive early tomorrow I
>hope. I don't know about the disposition of the King's forces."

MIKE: Sheepishly embarrassed, I'd imagine

> "We've got a significant force at the fort on Point Sapphire,"
>Avery said, looking up at the ceiling, where a map of the Kingdom was
>painted and trying to recall what he'd heard a couple days ago.

CROW: That's the weirdest place to put a map I've ever seen.
TOM: They probably built the room upside down.

>"There is the garrison at Hammer Pass, but we can't move that.

CROW: Not until they find roles for Christopher Lee and Boris Karloff.

> The
>rest of the forces are either in small forts along the coast, or in
>the field in Avtra for the annual training and ducal tourney."

TOM: Oh and God forbid something as minor as a *war* disrupt the
sports season.
MIKE: Hrmph. A nuclear holocaust couldn't keep my Packers from playing.
CROW: Probably couldn't help them win, though.

> "Didn't Fasstime decide not to send anyone to the tourney this
>year?" the Duchess asked, picking up her quill to make some notes.

MIKE: Nah, they said it wasn't the best tourney they were ever in,
and they wanted their money back.

> "Yes, which I found strange, especially since they cleaned up
>last year when it was their turn to host it," Duke Nolan said.

CROW: Boy, these guys are really on the ball today.

> "Yet another sign of Lord Henry's planning," Princess Brittany
>said.

TOM: So if they'd paid better attention to the sports page, they could've
headed off the attack?

> "I wonder how many pieces of the puzzle we've missed.

MIKE: Well, there's one of the corners, and it looks like you're missing
part of Marrissa's ear and hair there...

> Avery,
>I'd like to get in contact with some of Lord Harlan's staff in town,
>if you don't mind."

TOM: [Avery] Not now, Brittany.
CROW: [Brittany] But Chad *promised* he'd call!

> "Fine, in fact, I want you to run our intelligence operation,"
>Avery said.

TOM: The kingdom has no intelligence? I'm not surprised.

> "Please, Avery, I'm only thirteen," Brittany replied.

CROW: ["Clerks"] I'm not even supposed to *be* here today!
MIKE: She's much too old to run things in the Ratliffverse.

> "Brit, you're the only one of us that Lord Henry and his ilk
>wouldn't spot," Avery replied.

TOM: Damn these antlers and bright orange skins!

> "The Duke and Duchess are well known,
>and Earl Cedric has spent his life at court. Marrissa encountered
>Lord Henry in the sewer.

MIKE: So you can go in as you are, but the rest of us have to wear
goggly eyes.

> Where as you look nothing like you did a
>year and a half ago at court, the last time Lord Henry was here.

CROW: Thanks to her implants, no one actually looks at her face any more.

> In
>fact with that short hair cut you've got now, Marrissa's friend looks
>more like you did."

TOM: This is all leading up to a way to sneak her into Ricky's new
show down at the Tropicana.

> "You've got a point as far as a front line operative, as Lord
>Harlan calls them, goes, but I'm not ready to step in for Lord
>Harlan," Brittany said, pushing her back her short hair.

MIKE: The most awkwardly constructed sentence in the history of the
English language, everyone.
TOM: A sentence that can't be diagrammed without going into hyperspace.

> "I certainly
>wouldn't be recognized by anyone.

CROW: We don't even know who you are now.

> I spent lots of time perfecting
>disguises."

TOM: [Dana Carvey] Turtle! Turtle!

> "She does a pretty good cabin boy," Duke Nolan said, with a
>big smile.

CROW: Would you like to buy a monkey?

> "I think my son's last ship's crew was totally fooled."

MIKE: Brittany must get her disguise lessons from Marrissa.

> "Sister, when we're out of this, Father and I will be talking
>with Duke Nolan," Avery said.

CROW: They're gonna trade her for two outfielders and a relief pitcher
to be named later.

> "Maybe we can even make it a double
>wedding."

MIKE: Oh, let's be puckish and make it a pentuple wedding.

> Princess Brittany's face was rabidly turning redder.

TOM: RRRRRRRRRRR!!!! RRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

>I can't have my little sister taking a chance of having children out
>of wedlock, after all.

CROW: Well, abstinence makes the heart grow fonder.

> Treavor may claim to have a lady in every port,

MIKE: [Avery] That's a goal I want you to work towards, too, Brit.

>but if you're going to be one of them, you're going to be the legal
>one."

TOM: So she has to get her law degree before she can date?
MIKE: Wow, strict family.

> Suddenly the main door to the hall opened with a bang,

TOM: First rule of musical theater, always open the main door to the
hall with a bang!

> as it's
>well oiled hinges allowed it to swing all the way open.

CROW: Look, everyone! The door worked!
[All cheer]

> Standing in
>the doorway was an army courier, identified by his tan and olive tunic
>and cloak.

MIKE: Or he may be part of the staff at the Castrome Pep Boys.

> The insigna on his left breast identified him as part of
>the direct royal controlled unit, and attached to Lord Palmer's
>command.

TOM: There was also a 400-mile rope tied to his waist.

> The man quickly took in the room, and noted Prince Avery
>sitting at the head of the table. The heavy breathing courier

CROW: *hunnh* *hunnh* So, your majesty, *hunnh* *hunnh* what kind of
shoes are you wearing? *hunnh**hunnh**hunnh**hunnh*

>approached and kneeled. "Your highness, I bring bad news from Army
>Command.

MIKE: [Courier] We're out of creamed chipped beef on toast.

> Lord Palmer is dead."

CROW: Wrapped in plastic.
TOM: Call Chief Royal Inspector Cooper!

>
>--
>Stephen Ratliff
>

CROW: And in the "Bring the Pain" sweepstakes, Stevie makes his move
for the lead, threatening to pass Guerin by a hair.

>
>"To hell with crack, heroin, whiskey, tobacco. Writing is far and away
>the single most addictive thing in the universe, IMHO." ~ Greywolf

MIKE: He'd huff and puff and blow your house down, but he just threw his
hip out.

>
>Path: sn-us!sn-xit-01!sn-xit-04!supernews.com!nntp.cs.ubc.ca!
>nntp-relay.ihug.net!ihug.co.nz!west.cox.net!cox.net!
>newsfeed1.earthlink.net!newsfeed.earthlink.net!
>stamper.news.pas.earthlink.net!newsread1.prod.itd.earthlink.net.POSTED!
>not-for-mail
>From: Stephen Ratliff <ste...@trekiverse.org>

MIKE: Huh? "Trekiverse"?
TOM: This bodes ill.

>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: NEW TNG Royal and Prime Directives 10/16 [PG] (Marrissa Stories)
>Organization: Alt.StarTrek.Creative Virtual Staff Office
>Message-ID: <snfkmus8kgi93rcpl...@4ax.com>
>X-Newsreader: Forte Agent 1.92/32.572
>MIME-Version: 1.0
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>Date: Mon, 26 Aug 2002 13:48:20 GMT
>NNTP-Posting-Host: 63.188.177.232
>X-Complaints-To: ab...@earthlink.net

CROW: Dear ab...@earthlink.net, my shorts are too tight
MIKE: Hey, ab...@earthlink.net, I think I ate some baloney last night
that was a little past its date, and now my tummy hurts!
TOM: Listen up, ab...@earthlink.net - your junky little Toyota Celica
put a scratch in my brand new Navigator, you punk!

>X-Trace: newsread1.prod.itd.earthlink.net 1030369700 63.188.177.232
>(Mon, 26 Aug 2002 06:48:20 PDT)
>NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 26 Aug 2002 06:48:20 PDT
>Xref: sn-us alt.startrek.creative:160611
>
>Title: Royal and Prime Directives
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
>Contact: stephen at trekiverse dot org
>Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories
>Part: NEW 10/16 Serialized Biweekly
>Rating: [PG]
>Summary: The crew of Enterprise-E investigates a planet where a
>starship Captain crashed 20 years ago has been ruling a small nation
>

TOM: That was actually original premise for "The West Wing"

>
>Chapter Nine: The Shortcomings of Planning
>

MIKE: Sure, planning *sounds* good, but it won't keep your laundry
rainwater fresh.
CROW: Boy, what a gyp planning is!

> Princess Brittany had drawn dawn watch from the harbor town in
>her Squire Brett guise. She was trying to maintain that image, for
>the moment.

TOM: She had 8 PR firms working around the clock!

> It gave her a little edge in the information line. She
>could pick the brains of the men,

MIKE: Then when she was done picking their brains, she'd eat them.
BOTS: Brains! Arrrrh! Arrh! Brains!

> as a male squire, getting the wisdom
>and knowledge of the general solider.

TOM: So basically she learns how to make deer jerky.

> As a Princess, she'd have to
>use other methods to get the same information, methods she wasn't
>comfortable with.

CROW: You mean like just flat out asking them?
TOM: Ah. just 'em in a room with Marrissa for 5 minutes - they'll crack
faster than cheap New Jersey plaster!

> Today Brittany was paired with a young neophyte to the army,

MIKE: He's a baby-faced, wet-behind-the-ears soldier guarding a feudal port!
CROW: She's a persnickety, pubescent princess who loves to cross-dress!
TOM: Together, they fight crime!

>not the best choice for getting information on what the army thought,
>but this time at least, it was the post and what could be seen from
>there that lead her to ask for the assignment.

MIKE: She can see the drive-in screen playing "My Big Fat Greek Wedding".

> As the sun rose from
>the sea, she looked across the harbor. There were about a dozen ships
>in the harbor at the moment, none of them being warships.

CROW: Didn't Descartes say, "I think, therefore I am a warship"?
TOM: No, that sounds more like Lycan.

> In Sappor
>Bay, most of those were posted at Bluepor, reserving Odyssey Harbor
>for mostly merchants.

CROW: Stupid bourgeoisie harbor jerks.

> The biggest ship in the harbor at the moment
>was the merchant 42 gun, Stargazer.

CROW: A ship with 42 guns on it, and it's *not* considered a warship?
MIKE: Are we sure this isn't a Klingon colony?

> Taking the scope, she took a close look at the Stargazer.

TOM: [Jimmy Stewart] Honey, come here! There's a menacing-looking
merchant ship I want you to see!

>A black man was standing at the watch,

TOM: Flava Flav!

> apparently arranging a drill of
>some type, judging from the frantic movement of the sailors around the
>ship.

CROW: Commodore P. Diddy choreographs his next video!

> The guns were run out, then back in.

MIKE: Then they did the Hokey Pokey and they turned the guns about.

> Brittany could see the
>black man calling out some more orders,

CROW: [Geordi] A double Whopper with cheese, large fries, and a Coke!
Bacon cheeseburger with extra large fries and a Dr. Pepper! Eight
piece chicken strip with extra dipping sauce!

> but forced herself to look
>further out.

MIKE: Thus completely ignoring the fact that "the black man" had a pair of
abnormally blue eyes.
TOM: Or wore a cross between a banana and a pair of sunglasses.

> On the horizon, she spied three ships,

MIKE: She saw three ships come sailing in!
BOTS: On Christmas Day?
MIKE: On Christmas Day.

> whose flags she could
>not see. Quickly she turned her attention to near the entrance to the
>bay. Signal flags were being run up.

TOM: As were long distance charges.

> Three hostile ships, entering
>harbor.

CROW: It's the Bismark, the Yamato, and the USS Monkey Business!
MIKE: She could tell they were hostile because the symbol on the flag
was a huge middle finger.

> "Mister James, run up our signal flag with the query to fort,
>'alliance and type.'" Brittany ordered.

CROW: [Brittany] Then just go ahead and raise the white flag. No point
in putting it off.

> "Aye, Squire," James said, going back to the flag pole, and
>choosing the signals to run up.

TOM: [James] Now let's see. This one's color scheme is all wrong. This
one is a fashion nightmare. This one's got jelly stains all over it.
This one - is this the poster to "Rattle and Hum"?! Ah, here we go!

> It wasn't long before the fort replied.

MIKE: Hey, they ran up the flag that means "Cram it"!

> "All Fasstime,"

TOM: "Are belong to us."

> Brittany read. "Dagger, 28; Saber, 28;
>Malcore, 36.

CROW: And Malcore wins by 8! Let's give them a hand!

> James, signal the fort our acknowledgment."
> Brittany picked up a piece of paper and quill, and began to
>compose a quick message.

MIKE: Dear Heath Ledger, I am your number one fan. Will you send me
an autographed picture? Love and kisses, HRH Brittany.

> Once James had come back to the watch cover,
>she handed it to him.

TOM: [Brittany] Here, cover my watch - it's getting all wet and stuff.

> "Take this to Prince Avery at the Avtra
>Palace."

MIKE: [Brittany] And don't stop at McDonalds this time.

> "Aye, Squire," James said. As he began to descend the steps,
>he noticed the signature.

CROW: [James] Cool! I can get a hundred smackers for this on YeBay!

> "H.R.H. Princess Brittany, Intel."

MIKE: Ah, she's a Pentium-Powered Princess.

>He'd have to have a talk with Squire Brett when he got back.
>

TOM: [Brittany] I hope I didn't do anything to give away my identity.

> Prince Avery tumbled as he boarded the Stargazer. It was not
>easy to board from a boat. A young girl met him, with short brown
>hair,

CROW: [girl] Here's the wig you asked for, your highness.

> in what he believed was a typical merchantman's midshipman's
>uniform. "I need to see whoever is in command, midshipman," he said,

TOM: The commander, then?
MIKE: Let's not jump to conclusions.

>as she helped him to his feet.
> "Lieutenant La Forge has command at the moment, sir," the
>female midshipman said.

CROW: [Midshipman] We're doomed, pretty much.

> "He's on the quarter deck. I'll take you to
>him."

CROW: So where's Riker?
TOM: He got while the getting was good.

> "The merchant fleet appears to be much more lenient in
>recruiting requirements," the Prince said.

TOM: What, just because they left the blind guy in charge?

> "We don't have any females
>in the King's Navy."

MIKE: The Queen's Navy has just scads of them, though.

> "The Captain finds he gets better service with cabin girls
>than boys,

ALL: WOAH!
MIKE: I don't think he meant it like he wrote it.
CROW: You mean "Again"?

> and some of us have moved up, sir," the midshipman.

TOM: Just ask our new second mate, Lieutenant Commander Lewinsky.

>"My friend Marrissa is third officer, now."
> "There must be a story behind that," the Prince said as they
>reached the quarterdeck.
>

CROW: Yes. A long, dull, incomprehensibly unlikely story.

>"Someone to see you, sir," the midshipman said.

TOM: Which, considering it's LaForge, is kind of ironic.

> "Lieutenant La Forge, I presume," the Prince said.

MIKE: [British] Actually I'm Dr. Livingstone. Now who are you, and
where in the blazes is Stanley?!?

> "I'm
>Prince Avery, heir to the throne, and I'm afraid that I'm going to
>have to press your ship into service, temporarily."
>

CROW: [Avery] I need a lift to Suncoast. Third Season "Buffy" boxed
set hits the shelves at 4:00.

> Lord Henry entered the throne room, stomping.

MIKE: Just keeping time on his brooms, pails, garbage can lids...

> His face was
>red, and one could practically see the steam rising from him.

TOM: [Scotty] Cap'n, Lord Henry's overheatin'! He's gonna blow!

>One of his men approached nervously with a piece of parchment.

CROW: [Lackey] Sire, this is the ad we were thinking of putting in
tomorrow's paper.

> "Response from
>the town leaders, my lord," the man said.

MIKE: [Soldier] Sir, they called us weenies!

> Lord Henry unfolded the parchment, and began to read, "To Lord
>Henry, heir to Fasstime and currently occupier of the Odyssey, From
>His Royal Highness, Prince Avery, acting head of the Privy Council
>during the King's unavailability, the Privy Council, and Odyssey City
>Council."

TOM: [Henry] Hmm. That's the entire note.

> From over in the corner with the other hostages, Lord Dorian
>perked up with interest.

CROW: [Dorian] Did someone say "Twinkies"?

> "Hmmm, the boy may have actually listened
>when I was tutoring him," he mumbled.

TOM: [King] Say Dorian, could you please inadvertently reveal all
the information that could possibly be of use to Lord Henry?

> "It is with great pleasure that I inform you that the City of
>Odyssey will not surrender to your forces.

MIKE: We will, however, surrender to Cameron Diaz. Immediately.

> Furthermore, I, with the
>complete agreement of the Privy Council, hereby order you to surrender
>control of the Odyssey,

TOM: *You* surrender!
CROW: No, *you* surrender!
TOM: Nuh-uh, *you*!
CROW: No, *you*!
MIKE: Both of you surrender or I'll turn this car right around!

> and depart the City of Odyssey with in a day
>of your surrender, and the Kingdom of Ellosia within a week of that
>time.

CROW: Or we'll harm you!

> Should you not deliver your surrender to the Privy Council,

MIKE: ...within 30 minutes, the next invasion is 50% off.

>currently residing in the Avtra Palace,

CROW: [Avery] Which has weak security on the north wall, and a secret
entrance that can be accessed through a cave five miles to the
northeast which, if utilized, would compromise all security and make
all efforts to defend the palace completely futile (Detailed
directions from Odyssey appear on the back of this paper).

> by sunset on the ninetieth day
>of the twentieth year of the reign of our most noble father, King
>Richard I of this noble realm..."
> "He's not doing too bad, sire," Lord Dorian remarked to the
>King.

TOM: Geez, he's in the middle of a hostage situation, and he's
critiquing the guy's writing style?!
CROW: Boy, I wish *we* had that kind of devotion.
MIKE: Well, it's the journey that matters, guys, not the destination.
[Pause]
TOM: Pretentious much, Nelson?

> "...Should you decide not to take this proposal, the following
>charges will be levied against you:

TOM: [Henry, mock fear] Oh no! Charges will be filed against me!
Not charges! Anything but charges!

> Treason, against your king and
>ruler; Conspiracy to commit Treason;

CROW: Well, if they get him for actual treason, that's kind of a gimme,
isn't it?

> Murder of Lord Palmer, late
>General of His Majesty's Army; Murder of the late Earl of Dunsen;

TOM: [Prince] Plus, we think you may be involved with that whole
Jon-Benet Ramsey deal.

>Conspiracy to Commit Murder; Unlawful Imprisonment of his majesty,
>the King; Unlawful Imprisonment of various members of the Privy
>Council;

MIKE: It's Lord Rick James of Fasstime!

> Trespass on Royal Grounds; and Defilement of Public Property,
>in particular the City of Odyssey Sewer System.

CROW: *snerk* So it's treason, murder, rebellion, and making Old Man
Grundy's sink back up!
MIKE: Can a sewer system really be defiled? How could you tell?

> Sentences for these
>crimes runs anywhere from Death to a fifty pound fine..."

MIKE: [Henry] Hmmm, I think I'll take the fifty pounds.
TOM: Um... shouldn't that run in the opposite order?

> "Defilement of Public Property?" the King said.

CROW: [King] What was he thinking?! Oy, I've got a moron for a son.

> "Avery really
>must have paid attention."
> "And he has better intelligence than we do," Lord Harlan said.

TOM: [Harlan] Let's face it - collectively, we have all the brains
of a bottle of Clamato juice!

>"The murder charge of the late Earl of Dunsen means that he's got some
>information we didn't have."

CROW: So in short, Avery is doing better at ruling the kingdom than
the king.
MIKE: Sad, really.

> "Do you think Duke Murdock is going to be out for blood?" Lord
>Sidney asked.

MIKE: If he is, you can just leave a message on his machine.

> "He'll be lucky if Murdock doesn't challenge him in single
>combat," Lord Toshio said.

CROW: Hey, Murdock must be a Klingon.

> "... I await your response, signed Prince Avery Richard Paul,

MIKE: He's Mayor Teddy Burnside, your Mayor by Landslide!

>Privy Council Chair, Duchess Desiree of Castrome, Duke Nolan of
>Armedge,

CROW: Who still throws a hell of a mean fastball.

> Earl Cedric of Avtra, Princess Brittany Celeste,

TOM: Who disappeared mysteriously many years ago.

> Privy
>Council members."

CROW: NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue...
MIKE: AOL Chairman Steve Case...
TOM: Iron Chef Chen Kenichi...
CROW: Daily Planet Editor-in-Chief Perry White...
MIKE: Queen of Soul Aretha Franklin...
TOM: And the entire cast of "Malcolm in the Middle".

> "I want Prince Avery dead," Lord Henry concluded.

CROW: I want his family DEAD! I want his goldfish DEAD!

> "It appears that Prince Avery did listen to his lessons," Lord
>Dorian said.

MIKE: Is there an echo in here?
TOM: No, Lord Dorian is just being played by Mojo Jojo.

> "I must apologize for saying otherwise."

MIKE: Must he?
CROW: He must, Mike - he must.

> "Sometimes you don't show what you know until you get in the
>field," King Richard said.

MIKE: And sometimes you don't know you use cliches until the cow
is halfway out of the barn.

> "We certainly study the Prime Directive enough," Picard said.

TOM: AAAGHH!! Come on, you twits! FOCUS! You're being held hostage
by an unscrupulous, bloodthirsty, power-mad traitor - save the
grammar lessons and regulation-quoting for *after*!!!

> "Jean-Luc, if you can find a better way to minimize our Prime
>Directive violations, I'd like to hear it,

MIKE: Hmmm... hey, here's one. How about *not* crashing your ship into
the capital and seizing power?

> because I couldn't find one
>in all this time," King Richard said,

CROW: [King] And believe me, I pondered it for 10, almost 12 seconds!
TOM: [Picard] Oh so now you want ME to clean up YOUR mess.

> as Lord Henry called for his
>writing equipment.

CROW: One diesel-powered pencil, coming up!

> "On the surface, this seems to be an open and shut case,"
>Picard said. "You're on the planet, ruling a nation. All the flags
>are thrown up.

TOM: Flag in the spew. How did it get there?

> Of course, rarely do you encounter a true open and
>shut case."

MIKE: Umm... Picard, baby? HE... TOOK... OVER... THE... ENTIRE...
FRICKING... *PLANET!!!*

> "I had no real choice to avoid a Prime Directive violation
>here," King Richard said. "I was chased here by that Cardassian
>warship.

TOM: [King] They were awfully pissed - seems someone had phasered
"We were beaten by a bunch of kids" on their hull.

> I had to abandon the stardrive section, which exploded, then
>I destroyed the warship, and that explosion left me with just two
>thrusters and a decaying orbit.

CROW: Plus a thing his aunt gave him that he didn't know what it was.

> The only control I had on that
>landing was speed."

MIKE: [Keanu] Woah!

> "That does not explain why you ended up as King," Picard said.

TOM: [King] I explained that to you before we got shanghaied! Weren't
you paying attention at all?
CROW: [Picard] Who are you, again?
TOM: *SIGH!*

> "I landed on the Royal Family," King Richard said.

CROW: And boy, were their arms tired! They - oh, wait.

>"Apparently King Ferrel was having a family reunion. When my saucer
>section crushed his castle, I took out every known related royal with
>a known claim."

MIKE: One more reason not to go to a family reunion! Threat of being
crushed to death by a random, out-of-control starcraft!

> "Surely there was someone with some relation to the throne,"
>Jean-Luc said.

CROW: [King] Yeah, but we managed to get them, too.

> "Not within memory," Lord Dorian said. "We think the Dukes of
>Castrome might have a claim through an illegitimate daughter about
>four centuries ago, but that's pushing it.

MIKE: These guys should talk to my grandfather. He's into that
genealogy stuff. He could figure out someone who was related
to the royal family.

> Even then, it took fifteen
>years to find that relation.

CROW: So doing it the right way was, what, too hard? Too time-consuming?
Too boring?
TOM: [King] Making myself absolute monarch was just my little way of
simplifying things for me.

> Lord Henry will no doubt tell you about
>his great grandfather's claim to the throne,

MIKE: But he can't produce a pawn ticket.

> but he had seized the
>throne by force of arms and was executed for treason by King Avery
>II."

CROW: I'll say this for Ellosia, it's never a dull moment.

> "Lieutenant Dorian Gray has become our expert on Ellosian
>history over the last couple decades," King Richard said.

TOM: [King] So have my other officers - Lieutenant Oliver Twist,
Ensign Silas Marner and Commander Jane Eyre.

> "He's also
>my son's tutor. He knows what problems this realm has had since the
>Preservers transported humanity here.

CROW: Huh? Since the who did what to who?
MIKE: Suddenly, the plot heads for weirder pastures, leaving the readers
sadder but dumber.

> Lord Dorian once was my Chief
>of Staff, until he decided to retire to research and teach."

TOM: Yeah, and now he hits the lecture circuit at $3000 a pop.

> "Lord Dorian, what was the state of Ellosia when the Odyssey
>landed?" Jean-Luc asked.

MIKE: [Dorian] Well, I remember there were a lot fewer things on
fire and much less screaming...

> "Ellosia was on the verge of civil war," Lord Dorian said.
>"Avtra and Castrome were preparing to fight each other.

CROW: And immediately, Don King shows up offering Avtra 100 G's
to take a dive in the 4th.

> King Ferrel
>was gathering his family in order to break it up.

MIKE: Good. Because Family Reunions are always such peaceful, orderly
gatherings.
TOM: C'mon, Mike, not every family is like yours.
CROW: Yeah, just because Nelsonfest always ends with a visit by the
SWAT team and/or animal control...

> He'd been
>successful in breaking up the Avtra/Armedge problem two years before,

TOM: He declared they *both* had the silliest names on the planet.

>so there was a great likelihood that he would have succeeded, with a
>full royal press."

CROW: Now, does that beat a Royal Flush?
MIKE: No, but it does beat two of a kind.

> "So, you took it upon yourself to replace the King," Jean-Luc
>said. "How did you acquire the throne?"

TOM: [King] Big Joey's Discount Furniture Warehouse. Corner of 59th
and Armedge.
CROW: Didn't we go through this way back in chapter one? And two?
MIKE: This is for the people who just came in.

> "Originally, I was just going to see if one of the Dukes could
>take the job," King Richard said.

CROW: But they were too busy working on the General Lee, so...

> "A negotiated transition being
>better than the fight I'd doomed them to otherwise. Then I met the
>dukes.

MIKE: [King] There was one called Daisy, and she had the most amazing
pair of cut-offs!

> Duke Murdock of Avtra was, and still is, a first class pain in
>the ass who can't work with anyone."

CROW: [Murdock] I'm right here, sir.

> "He's getting better,"

TOM: [British] No he's not, he'll be stone dead in a moment.

> Lord Toshio said. "His last
>chamberlain lasted 3 weeks."

TOM: So... Just what stopped you from just saying "Sorry your future
king's probably going to be a complete tool. Sorry I took out the
entire royal family. Couldn't be helped. Have a nice day."?
CROW: Obviously, he's a graduate of the Janeway "Do The Right Thing,
Even When It's The Stupid Thing" School of Leadership.

> "That's still not good," King Richard said. "Duke Carlisle

TOM: Kitty Carlisle?

> of
>Castrome was some how hanging onto life. It's simply amazing that he
>hung on for the seven years he did.

MIKE: The part of Duke Carlisle will be played by Strom Thurmond

> Duke Nolan of Armedge was new to
>his job and didn't want more.

TOM: More what?
MIKE: Jobs, I suppose.

> Duke Lionel of Fasstime, I've never
>seen a man so indecisive."

CROW: [King] Well, maybe I have. No - no I haven't. Except maybe I did.
No, forget it. Wait!

> "That's why he's dead now, and I'm taking over," Lord Henry
>said.

TOM: [Henry] Oh, sorry, I forgot - I'm not part of this conversation.

> "Joshua, take this to the signal man."

TOM: [Extremely manly] Signal Man! The only man powerful enough to signal
the Amazing Rando!
CROW: Haha! That Rando stuff still gets me!

> "So, I asked for their endorsement to become King, after
>convincing them that they didn't want the job," King Richard said.

MIKE: He had a little help from his officers - Commander Paulie Walnuts
and Lieutenant Big Pussy.

>"I stripped the Odyssey of her advanced systems, as much as possible,
>and turned her into my primary seat.

TOM: [King] But there's still a half-bathroom functioning on Deck 8.

> I still use the old castles at
>Verifor and Castromepor, but a sea port is a better place to govern an
>island from, even a large one like this."

CROW: Yes, because it's much harder to attack a port than an inland city.

> "How much of the Odyssey is still functioning?" Jean-Luc
>asked.

MIKE: Welp, had 'er up on the blocks now for 20 years. Transmission's
pretty much shot, but we can get 'er to turn over ever now'n'then.

> "The automatic logging function is still running on battery
>back up here and on the old bridge, but we can't do any play back,"
>Lord Sidney said.

CROW: [King] We also had to delete Winamp from the hard drive, so
we can't listen to MP3's any more, either.

> "We took apart all but the padding on the beds in
>Sickbay after about three months.

TOM: [Picard] A-HA!!! A bed pad violation! The Admiralty will have
your hide for this!

> The Impulse engines were slag, and
>the shuttles were scrap."
>
>

MIKE: [Picard] That still doesn't explain why you couldn't send up some sort
of distress signal. You only had most of a starship to work with...
CROW: [King] Well... I... Shut up or I'll tell Lord Henry you said that
robe made him look fat!

> Prince Avery stepped out of the heat into the main room of the
>Golden Rinnebeast. As Marrissa had instructed him,

TOM: Okay, everyone who's *not* surprised that Marrissa winds up
bossing around the crown prince raise your hands!

> he'd chosen to
>dress down,

MIKE: Foregoing the evening gown for a blue blouse/skirt ensemble with
a simple yet tasteful strand of pearls.

> wearing a rough white tunic with the insignia of a squire
>in the Castrome household. He'd been in a few taverns in his life,
>but never for very long.

TOM: He had the alcohol tolerance of a spider monkey.

> The Golden Rinnebeast was perhaps typical
>for a tavern in Ellosia's Capital. White plaster walls, with dark
>wood beams, surrounded the room's dozen rough square tables.

CROW: Still, the tables fought bravely on.

> Sturdy,
>was how Avery would describe the room's furnishings.

MIKE: Also, "cheap", "dull" and "tacky", but we'll just concentrate
on the whole "sturdy" thing for a sec.

> There was a
>fireplace, but it wasn't lit, since it was still the heat of the day.

CROW: Why do authors think they need to describe every little thing?

> In the back corner sat Avery's little sister, though the
>sister part was somewhat questionable at the moment,

TOM: After the disowning, we mean.

> as she was in the
>guise of a male squire, with the faded arms of Armedge on her tunic.

CROW: Well just because she's a transvestite doesn't mean she's not
your sister! Jeez, show some sensitivity!

>It definitely wasn't Brittany's best tunic, or as she was going by,
>Squire Brett's.

MIKE: Wait, is "Squire Brett" Brittany's alias when she's dressed up
like a man? I wasn't sure because the story only told us that
TWELVE THOUSAND TIMES ALREADY!!!

> "Avery! When did you get back?" Brittany said.
> "I just got off the Stargazer a few minutes ago," Avery
>replied, taking a seat across from her. "Her commanding officer and I
>had some disagreements.

TOM: [Avery] Stupid non-royal types thinking they can run things!
CROW: [Avery] By the way, do you know what "Piss off, Lord Fauntleroy"
means?

> So, have you learnt anything, oh exulted
>Chief of Intelligence?"

MIKE: She's being touted in song and verse?
CROW: Boy, I've heard of "The Singing Detective", but this is ridiculous!

> Brittany blushed. "I think I've discovered how Lord Henry is
>getting messages in and out of Odyssey," she said.

MIKE: [Brittany] He's using a very sophisticated device fashioned out
of a couple of cups and a string.

> "I can disrupt it
>now, or we can find the whole route and see if we can put it to our
>use."

CROW: Or you can just pretend none of it ever happened and live the rest
of your lives in denial. Whatever's easiest, y'know.

> "Can we intercept any messages now, without their knowledge,"
>Avery asked.

MIKE: [Brittany] Don't worry, our boys are devising a method of listening
wherein we put a cup up to the door.

> "That we're already doing," Brittany said. "I've got a young
>army officer copying their signals between the upper dinning room and
>a house near the Odyssey.

TOM: [Brittany] So far, we've gotten two dinner orders and a request for
caviar on those little toast points.

> He thinks this is some sort of grand
>adventure.

MIKE: [Brittany] He's dumb, but useful - just the way I like 'em.

> They are using common semaphore flags for signaling,
>holding them up to the windows, but not everything is transmitted in
>the clear. I'm still trying to figure out what 'Proof in Pretender's
>Pudding' means.

TOM: *gasp* Bill Cosby's spiked Jared's Jell-O Pudding Pop!

> Have some meat pie. Marrissa said it was good here,
>and she wasn't lying."

CROW: Threatening and scheming, maybe, but not lying.

> "I'll order my own," Avery said, drawing the attention of the
>waitress.
>

MIKE: It was *how* he did it that was the problem.
TOM: But since he was a prince, the judge let him off with a fine,

>Across the room, Marrissa nervously approached another table.

MIKE: [Marrissa] Excuse, Mr. Estrada, can I have your autograph?

> Seated
>at the were Commander Riker, and Geordi La Forge. "Lieutenant
>Marrissa Picard, reporting as ordered, sir," she said.

CROW: [Marrissa] Ready to make you two look like a couple of blithering
jackasses again.
TOM: [Riker] Proceed, Lieutenant.

> "Marrissa, take a seat," Riker said, pointing at the one
>directly across from him.

TOM: [Riker] And ram it straight up your meat pie hole.

> "Where have you been the last couple of
>days?"

MIKE: [Marrissa] Not hitting on the prince! I mean, nowhere!

> "Sorry, sir, but I got caught up in a little side adventure,"
>Marrissa said.

TOM: Throw me the idol!
CROW: Throw me the Prime Directive!

> "Would this adventure have anything to do with Prince Avery
>shanghaiing our ship?" Geordi asked.

TOM: [Marrissa] I didn't do it! It wasn't my fault! You can't prove
anything!

> "Maybe a little, but I never suggested that," Marrissa said,
>nervously.

MIKE: [Marrissa] I told him to take it over completely! Boy, he never
gets *anything* right!

> "Let's start at the beginning," Riker said.

CROW: *Ahem* Stately, plump Buck Mulligan descended the stairs...

> "I know you and
>Lieutenant Calgary, who still hasn't returned, were going to
>investigate the sewers for potential prime directive violations."

TOM: They found someone using toilet paper with a Federation imprint!

> "Right," Marrissa said, with a little more confidence. "We
>were tracing the route of the sewers so we could see if they were
>using the Odyssey's waste reclamation systems. They're not,

MIKE: Nope, just dumping the stuff right into the reservoir.

> but in
>the sewer we encountered Lord Henry and his men, who attacked.

TOM: And you don't want that!

>Calgary and I got separated.

CROW: [Riker] Did you at least try counseling first?

> I ended up in a swamp about a mile from
>town. Fortunately I was able to get a ride with Lady Hayley and her
>finance, Prince Avery,

[all snicker]
MIKE: I think Stevie's Freudian Slip is showing.
TOM: Maybe not - never attribute to bile that which can be adequately
explained by sloppy spelling.

> back to town on Prince Avery's rinnebeast."
> "So you spent the night on the Odyssey?" Riker said.

CROW: [Marrissa] Yes, and between some guy running in circles on the
ceiling and the damn computer yammering about the stupid pod bay
doors, I didn't sleep a wink!

> "I wish," Marrissa said. "We were attacked when we reached
>the royal stables. I defended myself and we retreated to the Avtra
>Ducal Palace. Lord Henry now controls the Odyssey.

MIKE: Much to Homer's disgust.

> I stayed with
>them over night, as my leaving would be suspicious.

TOM: Though welcome.

> This morning and
>late last night I did a few errands for the Prince's Privy Council,

MIKE: She picked up their dry cleaning, mailed a couple of letters, and
made a deposit at First Avtra Savings & Loan.

>then brought the Prince here to see his sister and report in."
> "Did you give this Prince any advice, at all?" Riker asked.

TOM: Just on women and how to highlight his hair.

> "Only in clothing choices to come here," Marrissa said.

CROW: [Marrissa] Oh! AND I gave him the name of a good investment banker!
And I told him not to put a dark shirt in with a load of whites!

>"His usual tunic stands out too much for a clandestine meeting."

MIKE: [Marrissa] Now he's naked. *No* one will notice him.

> "Then why did Prince Avery take control of the Stargazer for
>three hours to fight off some Fasstime flagged ships?" La Forge asked.

TOM: [Marrissa] Because he owed Martin Mull a favor! I don't know what
that has to do with the ships, I'm just telling you what he told me.

> "Because no other ships were in range that he could use, and
>it's an accepted practice," Marrissa said. "Read the contract the
>Captain signed so he could fly the Ellosia Merchant Flag.

CROW: The presence of the term "Everlasting Soul" should've been a tip-off.

> It's right
>there in paragraph four."

MIKE: [Groucho] The party of the first part shall be known in this contract
as the party of the first part.
TOM: [Chico] Nah, datsa no good!

> "She's right," Riker said. "Star Fleet won't like it, but we
>agreed to it,

CROW: [LaForge] What are we, morons?!
TOM: [Riker] Look at it this way - yes.

> and it's exactly the same as the one on file from our
>last use of the Stargazer here, save the signatures,

MIKE: Contribute now to preserve the Federation's dwindling signature
supply.
CROW: Remember, the autograph you save - just may be your own.

> and the fact that
>we get some cash if we're impressed for more than a week.

TOM: *snort* No danger of that. I haven't been impressed since we
started reading this!

> Marrissa,
>you'll need to file a full and detailed report on you activities while
>you were with Prince Avery.

CROW: [Marrissa, nervous] Uh... does it have to be 'every' detail? Because...
um... I... kind of... well... stripped in front of him and uh...
TOM: [La Forge] Well I'm going to bed.
MIKE: [Riker] No, wait, Geordi, don't leave me here with... damn. Um...
so, completely naked, eh?

> Meanwhile, I'd like you to continue to
>work with the Prince, as we need to figure out how much contamination
>he's had."

CROW: And what antibiotics he'll need.

> "He's the son of two Star Fleet Officers who's heir to the
>throne," Marrissa said. "By definition, he's cultural contamination."
>

MIKE: Geez - kinda harsh, ain't it?
CROW: Well what do you expect after he broke her heart like that?
MIKE: Er - like *what*?
TOM: Well, if you can't read between the lines, Nelson, don't expect us
to spell it out for you! Sheesh!

>
> Prince Avery returned to his temporary headquarters though the
>afternoon rains. He'd borrowed Marrissa's spare cowl,

TOM: Fortunately, she has many, many dominatrix outfits.
MIKE & CROW: Ewwwwww!

> to help him
>keep dry, and was glad he did so, as the rain came a little earlier,
>and quite hard.

CROW: But later, it was all soft and mooshy.
TOM: He'd also borrowed Marrissa's spare underwear, and was glad
he did so, as it made him feel pretty.

> As he entered the main hall, he found the room in an
>uproar. Staff were going in and out. The Duke and Duchess were
>shouting for this and that.

MIKE: He's walked into the middle of a "Lockhorns" comic.

> "What is going on here?" he asked.
> Every eye turned towards him, and the room was suddenly
>silent.

ALL: [ominous music] Dunh-dunh-*duuuuunh*!

> For a minute, the room remained a still tapestry.

MIKE: Then the Duke broke out into his rendition "You Make Me Feel Like
a Natural Woman".

> The
>stillness was broken by Duke Nolan. "Thank the Lord, our God, you're
>alive," he said.
> "Why wouldn't I be?" Avery asked.

TOM: [Nolan] You left with *Marrissa*! Are there any broken bones?!?

> "You went to the Kitchens before you left, and the Cook has
>been poisoned," Duchess Desiree said.

CROW: Well, you buy your meat at Safeway, you take your chances.

> "We thought you might have
>sampled some of the stew and collapsed out on the street."

MIKE: [Avery] Good thing I had my Royal Rolaids with me.

> "I was going out to eat with Brittany, so I didn't need a
>snack," Avery said. "I just had to change to blend in a little.

CROW: That's why he only wore the small crown and the sable-lined
cape instead of the ermine.

>How is the Cook?"

TOM: And the Thief?
CROW: And his Wife?
MIKE: And her lover?

> "She's dead," Duke Nolan said. "And where is my squire?"

TOM: [Nolan] Yeah yeah, peasant dies, boo-hoo. Where's my personal
servant?!

> "My sister has taken it upon herself to set us up a little
>intelligence network," Prince Avery said.

MIKE: PBS?

> "She's doing quite well.
>We've already intercepted some of Lord Henry's messages.

CROW: [Avery] It was something about Nigerian diamonds. Sounds quite
promising, actually.

> Tell me, was
>it the pudding that was poisoned?"

TOM: [Bill Cosby] Now, y'see, the poison - was in the Jell-O - Pudding
Pop. Y'see.

> "Yes it was," Duke Nolan said. "I can't countenance that
>young girl running a spy network."

MIKE: [sigh] Attention span of a gerbil.
TOM: [Nolan] Yes, I understand, we're in deadly peril! Who tracked
mud all over my nice clean castle!?

> "Who better?" Duchess Desiree said. "No one should know be
>able to tell whose running a spy operation,

CROW: And no one should realize have the opportunity to read a sentence
like that.

> and who would expect a
>Princess to be in charge?"

MIKE: Darth Vader?

> "I told the King that little girl was going to cause trouble,"
>Duke Nolan said.

CROW: How dare she help stop the king's overthrow.
TOM: Yeah. Huh! Dumb ol' girls and stuff!

> "Becoming a knight, okay, it's not often done, but
>it's not unprecedented. The great Queen Diane the Dragon-tamer

MIKE: [Avery] If this is the "Diane the Dragon-tamer" story again,
I swear I will rip out your entrails and strangle you with them!

>was one before she married King Ferrel II.

TOM: [Nolan] So NYAH!!!

> But Brittany thinks she can do
>anything a man can, and that will be trouble."

MIKE: So it's all right for women to be knights and kill dragons and such,
but not to look at someone waving stupid little flags in a window?
CROW: That's because they're such manly flags.

> "And a woman can't do anything a man can?" Duchess Desiree
>asked, sweetly.

MIKE: Well, several things, but we shan't name them here.

> "Humph," Duke Nolan replied.

TOM: And with that witty remark, we wrap up the "Point/Counterpoint"
portion of our fanfic.

> "I see Brittany hasn't converted you yet," Avery said.

MIKE: [Avery] She'll be around with a copy of "Watchtower" any minute.

> "I'm
>convinced that she's the right person, at least for a little local
>activities, for the post. I'm going to meet her for dinner at another
>Tavern to get more updates,

TOM: And more booze.

> but we've got other things to do at the
>moment.

CROW: [Avery] I've got a ton of popcorn and the "Moulin Rouge" DVD.
Who's with me?

> Duke Nolan, how long until Lord Gregory gets here with our
>reinforcements?"

MIKE: [Nolan] The secret commando squad? They're already here. Say
hello, boys!
BOTS: [Squad] YO, JOE!

>"They should arrive early tomorrow morning," Duke Nolan said.

TOM: [Nolan] Old grey beard told us to expect them at the dawn of
the fifth day.

>" I haven't had any word from my son Oswald on the border with
>Fasstime though."

CROW: [Nolan] All I get is a bunch of notes signed "Alek Hidell".

> "Duke Murdock has sent word that he's taking control of the
>Army that Lord Palmer was commanding, and is moving on Fasstime,"
>Duchess Desiree said.

MIKE: He wants to get there in time to see Phoebe Cates get out of
the pool.
CROW: Hey, who doesn't?!

> "Sorry Cedric, but he's not going to hold off
>anymore."
> "He did it long enough," Earl Cedric said, as he adjusted his
>lute strings.

TOM: [Avery, whispering] I thought you got rid of that damned lute.
CROW: [Nolan, whispering] I did! I swear he's pulling them out of
hammerspace or something!

> "Your highness, with your permission I'd like to see if
>I can get the weekly music for the people show to start up a little
>early to night.

[All laugh]
TOM: Death! Destruction! Utter Annihilation! But first, a little tune.
CROW: What *is* it with these people?! They lurch from war plans to child-
rearing advice to a Vaudeville revue like it's all equally important!
MIKE: No wonder a lousy ship's captain was able to take over. He probably
just distracted them all with shiny things while he snuck in.

> It's supposed to be in Procession Square, just within
>hearing distance of the front gate."
> "So you have some new tunes to play?" Prince Avery said.

TOM: [Cedric] Yeah, check this one out! *ahem* o/` Now this looks
like a job for me, so everybody - just follow me! o/`

> "Of course, and Lord Henry and his men won't like a single
>one," Earl Cedric said,

CROW: Yeah, but who is he to judge the kids of today and their music?
MIKE: He's the power-mad tyrant who's forcing his way into the kingship.
CROW: Oh. Well, all right, then.

> as a commotion developed outside the hall.
> "Duke Nolan, see what is going on out there," Prince Avery
>said. Duke Nolan left quickly. "Should I make an appearance there?"

MIKE: Yes, that's a great idea. Prince Avery, the Human Target.

> "Yes, but we won't let anyone know you're coming," Duchess
>Desiree said. "Hayley should be with you, and make it short."

TOM: [Desiree] And from what Hayley tells me, making it short
shouldn't be any problem for you.
MIKE: [Avery] Hey!

> After a couple minutes Duke Nolan reentered, his face pale.

CROW: [Nolan] Sh... She... was n... na... naked.

>"Your highness, Lord Henry has sent his response," he said.
> "He refused to surrender, I assume," Prince Avery said.

TOM: [Nolan] Well, he says he won't unless we can get him a date with
Elisha Cuthbert.

> "Yes, but he also set proof of his seriousness," Duke Nolan
>said.

CROW: [Nolan] Pudding. Want some?

> "Lord Dorian is dead, and Lord Henry sent his head along with
>the message."
>

MIKE: Oh, he just did that so he could get the bulk rate.
TOM: [announcer] Lord Henry Express! When you absolutely, positively have
to be decapitated overnight!
CROW: So is this how the rest of the chapters are going to go? Avery and
Friends are going to plan an operation, they'll carry it out and
achieve a small victory, and Henry responds by killing somebody?
TOM: And we'll be told how great Marrissa is but not shown any proof.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
bil...@hiwaay.net http://home.hiwaay.net/~billfl

"If you're dumb, surround yourself with smart people. And if you're smart,
surround yourself with smart people who disagree with you."
Isaac Jaffee (Robert Guillaume), "Sports Night"