MiSTed: Stolen Memories (28/29)
Rottweiler
Part 9 of Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 Presents _Stolen Memories_
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[SOL Theater. MIKE and the BOTS enter and take their seats.]
> Article 231 of 418
>
> Subject: 1st Post - Stolen Memories 9/9
> From: hen...@zipper.zip.com.au (Henry Chatroop)
> Date: 1997/01/11
> Message-Id: <5b7t0s$i...@the-fly.zip.com.au>
> Organization: The Zipsters
> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>
> ==================================
> Stolen Memories :
> Part Nine - The Conclusion
(ALL cheer wildly)
>
> Alis dragged the litter through the dense wilderness
> that surrounded her mother's fortress,
MIKE: It's light cat transit.
> noting with relief
> the less that wild flowers that were mingling with the
> undergrowth.
TOM: Nature is one big cocktail party.
> A sure sign she was within an hour's walk of
> her mother's fortress.
CROW: The sign along the beltway was also a clue.
> "Not far now, Julian," She muttered to the oblivious
> young man who lay comatose and near death on the litter
> behind her.
MIKE: (Julian) Either that wallpaper goes, or I do.
> *Faster*.
TOM: Pussycat, kill, kill!
> Alis grumbled under her breath as the Goddess voice
> once more filled her head, urging her to move faster.
CROW: Poor Alis must feel like Norman Bates.
> The
> voice had been making the same command now for days.
MIKE: If you build it, they will come...
> She
> could not have moved any faster if she tried. She was
> sorely in need of a long sleep, decent food and rest to
> recover her strength.
TOM: (Alis) There's never a Holiday Inn where you need one.
> She was on the verge of exhaustion.
> If she not seen the evidence that she was close to home,
CROW: Meaning a big pile of hairballs alongside the road.
> she might have been tempted to drop to the ground to curl
> up and sleep.
MIKE: Finally, something close to being in character for a cat.
> She needed to recover some of the strength
> she had expended following the Goddesses command to move
> faster, always faster.
TOM: Rollin', rollin', rollin', keep them kitties rollin'!
> The days of always moving,
CROW: That's what happens when Daddy is in the military.
> nights of little sleep,
> little food,
MIKE: A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.
> for the food she had gathered on leaving the
> hut had run out days ago, were starting to have a
> cumulative effect.
TOM: She was starting to look and sound like Spiro T. Agnew
> She passed through the last of the
> wilderness into the clearing that was all that remained
> between her and her mother's fortress.
CROW: And she's tackled on the one yard line.
> "Closer than I thought," She remarked aloud.
MIKE: So, she has no idea where she lives?
> Squaring her shoulders,
TOM: So now she has four shoulders.
> and adjusting the straps, she
> trudged forward with a deep breath, expanding her stride to
> cover the distance faster - just as the goddess had urged
> her too.
(CROW hums the "Volga Boatmen" song)
> Voices reached her ears, she couldn't make out what
> they were saying.
MIKE: They were the voices of Mulder and Scully.
> * They've seen you.
ALL: RUN!!!
> Now you can stop, they will come
> to you, and your and your mate shall reach the fortress
> faster if you wait for them to come to you. *
TOM: (falsetto) They will want a tip, so have a twenty handy.
> Alis sank to the ground,
CROW: Dive, dive! Awooga! Awooga!
> shrugging the straps of the
> litter aside and dragged her body to Julian's side to lay
> her head on his chest.
MIKE: (Red) Let's see, did I forget to include any kind of sex? Oh
yeah, I
haven't used necrophilia yet!
> Her eyes began to drift shut then
> sprang open, wide. Her lover's heart beat was weak, ragged,
> skipping.
TOM: Like a scratchy old vinyl record.
> "Goddess," she pleaded.
CROW: (Alis) Let me have a boyfriend with rhythm for once!
> *He is dying*
MIKE: (falsetto) His stand-up act is terrible.
> "Please, Goddess, don't let him die," she begged.
> *He's not dead, yet.*
TOM: (falsetto) He's getting better!
> Alis looked around as members of her mothers personal
> guard began materialising around her.
CROW: (Alis) Oh, so we have transporters. WHY COULDN'T I HAVE JUST
BEAMED
TO THE STUPID TEMPLE?!?
TOM: (guard) You left your communicator in your quarters.
CROW: (Alis) Oops. Silly me.
> She staggered to her
> feet.
TOM: (Alis) Is this an intervention?
> *Remember, your life test, * the Goddess advised her.
> Alis sucked in a deep breath.
MIKE: Her life test is to see how long she can hold her breath.
> "This manling is my consort - and I place his care in
> your hands,
CROW: (Alis) So go light on the rape and torture, okay?
> see that he gets the medical attention he
> requires - should he not - I will have your heads." Alis
> said and none of the Empirical guard doubted she meant
> every word.
TOM: You can't actually PROVE that the guards are there, but you can
deduce
it to be so.
> She remained only long enough to watch the guards take
> charge of the litter.
MIKE: Passing her life test means passing the buck, I guess.
> Turning her attention back to the
> fortress she began trudging for the gates.
CROW: Oh, she works for Microsoft.
> Now Julian's
> care was assured she could concentrate on passing the final
> stage of her life test, returning to the fortress, as she
> had left it - unaided.
TOM: Except by those people who helped her.
>
> By the time she reached the gates, her mother
MIKE: Told her she was grounded for staying out so late.
> - The
> Matriarch was standing in their shadows awaiting her,
TOM: For some reason, the Matriarch has started going around asking
people
what they want.
> to
> fall upon her, enfolding Alis in a bear hug, all strokes
> and purrs of pride and words of relief murmured in her ear.
CROW: Tonight, on _Welcome Back, Daughter_...
ALL: (singing) Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.
> For the first time, Alis became aware of how much her
> mother had feared that she would not survive her life test.
MIKE: She'd even considered hacking into the school's computer and
changing
her grade.
> The Matriarch's personal priestess was next to Descend on
> Alis running a DNA check,
TOM: (falsetto) Yep, you've got DNA.
> then turned to face the
> inhabitants of the Fortress, and guests who had come to the
> gates to witness Alis's return.
MIKE: So they just stood there for several months waiting for her to
show
up? And I thought I had no life.
> Before this crowd, the
> Priestess announced Alis had passed her life test and was
> now in the eyes of the Goddess and the law an adult with
> all the responsibilities and rewards that came with it.
CROW: (Alis) Yes! I've finally reached drinking age!
TOM: Legend has it that Red Skye wrote this story with a copy of _Joseph
Campbell for Dummies_ on her desk.
> Alis' strength gave out and she fainted from sheer
> exhaustion into her mothers arm as those gathered cheered
> at the pronouncement.
ALL: (crowd) Packers! Wooo!
>
> *******************************
>
> From the window of his suite Ambassador Bashir looked
> down at gathered crowd, hearing the cheering, the excited
> voices announcing Alis' return, and the upcoming
> celebration with warring emotions.
TOM: We now take you live to a character you haven't seen since Part
One.
CROW: Ambassador, do you realize that Julian has been missing for 35
weeks?
> The part of him that
> wished for his sons safe return - which was sure that was
> never going to happen was insanely jealous of the Matriarch
> at that moment in time.
MIKE: (Ambassador) WHY did I send the Keystone Cops to look for Julian?
> Then another, saner portion of his
> brain was glad that the girl had survived. The gladness he
> felt was born out of a fervent hope that Julian had not
> been any near as careful as he should have been with the
> girl, that there might be a child as a result of their
> youthful passion.
TOM: I guess "saner" means having a better understanding of what's in
your
own selfish interest.
> A grandson with Julian's big brown
> eyes so like his mothers.
CROW: In fact, they WERE his mother's. AAAHHHHH!!!
> God, how he wished he were home, to find comfort in
> his wife's arms.
MIKE: (singing) I miss the Earth so much, I miss my wife...
> To let the tears he'd been holding back
> with a super human effort flow.
TOM: Kinda defeats the point of Stoicism.
> To sob in her arms like a
> child.
CROW: (Ambassador, sobbing) Why didn't my parents ever give me a name?
>
> He saw Alis collapse limply in her mother's arms,
MIKE: Alis has been hanging out with Julian too long. She's starting to
pick up some of his bad habits.
> watched as the Felistians gathered around and carried the
> exhausted young girl - no woman -
TOM: (Ambassador) She's no woman, that's for damn sure.
> he corrected himself -
> into the fortress proper and out of his sight. He turned
> away from the window heaving a melancholy sigh,
CROW: Look out, he's defenestrating!
> making a
> mental reminder to himself to visit the young woman in the
> fortress's infirmary soon to offer his congratulations on
> passing her life test and perhaps, as discretely as
> possible learn if she carried his son's child.
MIKE: (Ambassador) Uh... how can I put this delicately... did my boy
knock
you up?
> ***************************************
>
> The Felistian Medical worked as fast as possible to
> try and stabilise the young male, but their knowledge of
> his species was limited.
TOM: Tonight, on a very special _ER_...
> The Head Doctor sent for a guard
> dispatching him to the Matriarch to inform her of the
> manlings critical condition and deliver a request for the
> services of her Consort the Human Male Alistair.
MIKE: They needed him to apologize to the audience for saving Julian's
life
back in the harem.
> Before the guard returned with news of Alistair's
> vanishment the manling had died.
CROW: Oh, great. Now he'll have an out-of-body experience, to go with
his
out-of-character experience.
> They were turning away
> ready to leave it at that when the Guard returned with the
> Matriarch's message regarding Alistair - and the threat of
> death to all the Medical staff if the young manling died.
TOM: So they propped his dead body up and told everyone that he was just
really tired.
>
> The activity among the manling resumed at frantic
> speed as the medical staff began resuscitation and basic
> stabilisation procedures.
MIKE: So they don't even TRY to help a patient until their necks are on
the
line? Red, do you have some issues with the medical profession?
> The threat was enough. The
> Matriarch was not one to issue idle threats.
CROW: She wouldn't dream of threatening Eric Idle.
>
> ***********************************
>
> The Matriarch paced her room, until with little
> ceremony the guard returned to inform her that her message
> had been delivered, and the Manling had been given the
> treatment necessary to drag him back from the very brink
> of death. She was informed also, that his injuries
> were such, that he may never fully recover.
CROW: He was destined to become a whiny doctor with no social skills.
> She blanched
> under her fur as the list of injuries the manling had was
> reported to her.
TOM: (singing) Twelve gaping flesh wounds, eleven purple bruises, ten
cuts
a-bleeding, nine bones a-broken, eight organs punctured,
seven digits missing, six teeth a-swallowed, FIVE
FESTERING
SORES, four compound factures, three stab wounds, two
broken
limbs, and a huge freaking hole in his knee!
> Such brutality, how could she return him to his
> father,
MIKE: She could leave him on the doorstep, ring the bell, and run away.
> when such injuries would lead to recriminations and
> accusations she was little prepared to divert to the one
> who deserved them.
CROW: Red Skye?
> Then all her worries were swept aside as the guard
> delivered the report on her precious heir - now officially,
> the Prime Heir.
TOM: And, not as officially, Queen of Polka.
> "She is with Child, Matriarch," the guard reported,
MIKE: (guard) The child is shivering in the cold. We must bring him
silver
and gold.
> with a smile as she watched this news sink into the
> Matriarch's head.
CROW: It's like waiting for paint to dry.
> The Matriarch spun around and began bouncing around
> the room, purring in pleasure at the news,
TOM: She's doing a Snoopy dance.
> Julian's
> condition forgotten - what did it matter if he lived or
> died now, he had served his purpose.
MIKE: A message from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
(TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. MIKE picks TOM up and ALL leave the
theater.)
[Planet Bumper]