MiSTing: Who Q? Where Q? [5/8]
Chris Mayfield
[SOL. There are pictures of Stephen Ratliff everywhere. Scattered about
are reams of paper (supposedly containing the various fanfics written by
Ratliff).]
Mike: [looking about] What is all this?
Tom: It's for the Ratliff Admiration Society.
Crow: What?
Tom: The Ratliff Admiration Society. It's dedicated to that most
industrial of fanfic writers: Stephen Ratliff.
Mike: Shouldn't that be "illustrious?"
Tom: [ignoring him] Come, join us in our hymn. [sings] A writer of
fanfic named Ratliff/Drew aim on the Trek universe--
Mike: Uh, Tom, are you serious?
Tom: Of course! Or should I say, "Of coarse!" Have you ever truly looked
at Ratliff's literary accomplishments?
Mike: He has some?
Tom: [continuing] I mean, he took an obscure character and has created
an entire series about her; followed her from adolescence through
puberty (remember that poignant moment in Away from Home when we were
told of her first period?)--
Crow: [gagging] Thank you. I had just finished repressing that.
Tom: --through the myriad misadventures leading up to her own command in
Timespeeder.
Mike: There's another fanfic out there? Uh-oh.
Tom: What other writer has engaged the imaginations of MiSTies
everywhere? Why, Ratliff has provided us with the source of some of the
greatest MiSTings ever! Do you remember that first moment when you read
"All spelling errors are to be ingored?"
Mike: Unfortunately, yes.
Tom: Ratliff, in his incompetence, has reached giddying heights of bad
prose that are almost beautiful in their complete lack of aesthetics.
Crow: Isn't that a paradox?
Tom: [almost crying] Can't you see? His childlike optimism, his devotion
to his craft in spite of his complete lack of anything resembling basic
English skills, his obsession with Marrissa similar to Dante's for
Beatrice or Poe's for Annabelle...it's so..._beautiful,_ in a pathetic,
loopy sort of way.
Mike: Hmm. Then I guess you won't mind going back into the theatre to
finish the fanfic.
Tom: [immediately straightening up] Uh--that's not necessary. After all,
we can admire from afar.
Mike: I thought as much. [light flashes] We've got fanfic sign!
[Chaos. Mike grabs Tom and drags him off.]
Tom: NOOOOOOOOOooooooo...
[6...5...4...3...2...1...]
[Everyone enters. Mike sets Tom down.]
Tom: [to Mike] I resent you.
>
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> After Q left, the door rang.
Tom: Avon calling!
> "Come," Marrissa said. Doctor
>Jackson Johnson entered in a dirty uniform. "How's the relief effort
>Doctor?"
> "It could be better," Doctor Johnson said. "The Bres are
>shelling Overajas
Crow: Serbs sell sea shells by Sarajevo.
> everytime the Enterprise isn't overhead. Nurse Emery
>was injured in the last round,
Tom: Cut me, Mick. Cut me.
> she'll be out a week at least. I'd say
>we're getting to about half of the people we're suppose to."
Mike: We need a more aggressive marketing campaign.
> "And if the shelling stops you will be able to get your job
>done," Marrissa completed. "I'll see what I can do." She tapped her
>commicator.
Crow: All communists in the region: beware!
> "Bridge, this is the Captain, change orbit to powered
>station keeping over Overjaras. Alexander, Jay, Patterson, report to
>my ready room."
> The Klingon and two human boys entered the ready room.
Tom: Unfortunately, they were the wrong Klingon and two human boys.
> "You
>called, Risa," Jay said.
> "Careful Jay, you know how I hate that nickname," Marrissa
>warned.
Mike: And you know what happened to last person who called me that.
> "The Doctor here tells me that the Bres are having target
>practice with the population of Overjaras as targets."
Crow: My, she's flippant about genocide.
> "So, I've heard," Jay said.
> "So here is what I'm going to do. Alexander contact ..."
Mike: Cut to montage! Oh, wait. This is a fanfic. Never mind.
>
> Marrissa, Alexander, Doctor Johnson, Ensign Lochard, and two
>other security officers beamed down to the Bres camp over locking
>Overjaras.
Crow: Egelhcs locks--they're the namrebod of locks.
> All were dressed in Starfleet Uniforms with the exception
>of Alexander who was in full Klingon Dress
Tom: [Alexander] It's not a dress! It's a kilt!
> and was holding a large
>case. The campoverlooked a broad river vally with a meduim sized red
>roofed city in it. Above the valley rose picturesque snow capped
>peaks.
Mike: In the valley lay picturesque rotting corpses.
> If it weren't for the spots of broken roofs and smoldering ruins
>Overjaras would have been a great place for shore leave.
Crow: If you reserve your seats now, you get the lovely Lebanon beach
party package too.
> The camp itself consisted of a dozen tents arrayed in a
>semicircle arround a large gun. A gaurd stood outside one of the
>tents. "Who are you
Crow: I'm Batman.
Tom: My name is Inego Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Mike: "I'm John Wilkes Booth." "But John Wilkes Booth shot Lincoln."
"Attention has been paid."
> and waht are you doing here?" he challenged.
> "I thought that would be obvious," Marrissa replied. "We are
>here to see the Commander of this gun emplacement."
> "Since when did Starfleet start hiring Klingon shimps,"
Mike: They had so much success with Klingon Moes and Larrys they bought
the whole set.
> the
>seven-foot tall guard said.
> "I wish you hadn't said that," Marrissa sighed.
> "Why"
Mike: Because.
Crow: Why?
Mike: Just because.
Crow: Why?
> "You just insulted a Klingon of the House of Mog,"
All: Kupo!
> Marrissa
>said. "Would you care to inform this guard of the results of the last
>time someone did that. Ross?"
Tom: Why don't you tell him what he's won, Ross?
> "I believe the poor soul found it necessary to step off a high
>cliff," Ensign Lochard replied.
Mike: Yeah, but if you saved Lone Wolf he gave you the Golden Hairpin.
> The guard then looked over at
>Alexander who had taken out a large Klingon Knife and was begining to
>sharpen it.
Tom: [Alexander] Whittle while you work...
> "I'll go get Colonel Elbourt," the guard said retreating into
>the tent.
Crow: Come on! What kind of guard is intimidated by a bunch of kids
armed with only a pocketknife?
>
> Colonel Elbuort emerged from the tent.
Tom: Uh-oh. This guy is T-R-O-U-B-L-E.
Mike: This has to be the lamest fanfic ever.
> "What do you want?"
>the solidly built man in brown fantigues
Crow: Isn't she Cosette's mother?
> asked.
> "You to stop shelling Overjaras would be a good start,"
>Marrissa said.
> "And why should I do that?" Elbuort sneered.
> "Number One, you are voilating the cease-fire agreement,"
Mike: The U.N. is going to give you a very stern lecture unless you
stop.
>Marrissa enumerated. "Number Two, if you don't your gun will be
>disassambled and removed from this sight. And Number Three, it would
>make me very happy.
All: [laugh]
Tom: Oh, please...
> "I don't care about the cease-fire," the Colonel replied. "If
>you take my gun away you will damage Starfleet's image of treating all
>sides equally.
Tom: Not if you're breaking the cease fire agreement, you dink.
> And why should I care about your feelings."
Crow: Or question marks.
> "You do have a point but I am not the one who will possess your
>weapon," Marrissa said.
> "Then who will?"
Mike: The Spirit of Christmas Past.
> "The Klingon Empire of coarse," Alexander said. "We don't like
>people who break there
Crow: Where?
Tom: Three inches above the waist.
> words. Alexander, son of Worf, Ambassador at
>large from the Klingon High Council, at your service."
Crow: When did that happen? Did I miss a plot point somewhere?
> "I wouldn't insult him sir," the guard said from within the
>tent. "The last one to do so was forced off a cliff and died."
Tom: Of course, I don't have any proof, but he _does_ have a Swiss army
knife and a bad temperament.
> "What do you intend to do," Colonel Elbuort asked.
Crow: Force correct punctuation on you.
> "Ross, please quote the cease-fire agreement for me," Alexander
>said.
Mike: [Ross] Um...please stop firing. There.
> "An outside party may take action to prevent or end hostilities
>during mediation," Ross replied.
Crow: Excuse me? What? Why on God's green earth would you ever think to
put a clause like that in an agreement?
Mike: Don't question; just accept.
> "This action may include up to the
>forcible acquistion of the weapons or detanting the persons
Tom: Ooh, I'd hate to be detanted.
Mike: What's that mean?
Tom: I'm not sure, but it _sounds_ unpleasant.
>responsable."
> "Is disassembling the weapon for transport premited?" the
>Klingon Ambassador asked.
> "Yes."
> Alexander opened his case
Crow: By questioning the credibility of the prosecution's star witness.
> and took out a laser scalpel. "You
>aren't going to dissassemble it with that?" Colonel Elbuort said
>alarmed.
> "I'm eleven years old," Alexander said welding the scalpel.
Mike: Not that has anything to do with anything; it's just a fact.
>"Gun disassembling hasn't exactly been in my education, and you'ld be
>surprised what this thing cuts though."
Crow: Even shoe leather?
Tom: Yes.
Crow: Amazing!
> "If my men disassemble it for you," Colonel Elbuort said,
>"would that be acceptable? While you watch of coarse."
> "It would," Alexander said. "And to show my graitude, I'll
>have some refreshments beamed down.
Mike: Alexander to Ten Forward. Break out the liquor.
> Alexander to Enterprise."
> "Enterprise here," came Jay's voice.
> "Chould you beam down some of my family's gagh supply,"
>Alexander said. "A couple bowls full should do."
Tom: Considering no one will want to eat any...
> Marrissa tapped her badge and said, "Number One, add some
>chips, a bottle of strawberry soda and three bottles of the '50 Chateau
>Picard Stargazer white wine to that order."
Mike: [shocked] Marrissa!
Crow: [Marrissa] Sweet booze doesn't break treaties on me. I always know
just what I'm getting with booze.
> "Aye sir," Jay's voice replied, "Patterson will be down with
>your order in a couple minutes. Enterprise out."
>
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>
> A thrid day dawned over South Gate with the cry of a charge of
>soldiers. By noon Worf, Data and their men had replused the attack.
Mike: They were nonplused by it.
>However, another attack was underway before tea-time
Tom: [Brit] Dreadfully rude of you chaps to declare war on us over tea
and crumpets!
> and was over by
>dusk.
> The forth day began with yet another attack occupying the
>defenders full attention. As did the fifth.
Crow: In a Ratliff fanfic, the excitement never stops.
Mike: Mainly because it never begins.
>
> Meanwhile in Harbor Keep, Captain Yoshida and Leiutenant
>Commander Geordi LaForge were discussing the changes done during the
>repair of the Tian Nan Men.
Tom: So we knocked over the wall in the rumpus room, and now we're
putting in a wet bar and a bathroom in the basement.
> "The fifth deck support looked different," the captain said.
> "It was changed in order to allow the cannon angle you wanted,"
>Geordi replied. "Anything else?"
Mike: I wanted the game room done in red, and track lighting put in the
living room.
> "I don't think so," Captain Yoshida said.
> "Then I better get back to-o," Geordi said as his VISOR
>detected something strange in the floor.
Crow: [Geordi] Wow! A penny! This is my lucky day!
> "Captain I think we better
>summon the guard."
> "What is it Leiutenant?" Captain Yoshida asked.
Crow: Rowf! Rowf rowf!
Tom: Timmy's trapped? Down in Dead Rock Canyon?
> "I'm seeing an underground passage extending from the table to
>directly oppisite the door," Geordi said.
Mike: Nice perception roll.
> "And the ground is thining
>below the table, sir."
> Captain Yoshida stepped to the door and yelled out to the
>Harbor, "Commander Earnheart, I need swordsmen in here, quickly.
Tom: There's going to be some serious buttkicking going on.
>Possiable tunnel inside Harbor Keep."
> "Captain, I believe I can collapes the tunnel from outside the
>Keep," Commander Laforge said.
Tom: [Geordi] I can be much more effective the farther away I am from
the danger.
> As Captains Andrews, Ohlin and Washington arrived, Yoshida
Mike: Isn't he the little dinosaur in Super Mario World?
>said, "Go Ahead. We will hold them here.
> As LaForge left the Keep, the table sunk into the floor,
>opening a large hole in the middle of the room. Cries of angguish
>chould be heard from below.
Crow: Ouch!
Mike: Doh! You idiot! Give me that shovel!
Tom: The keep is invaded by the Three Stooges.
> Suddenly, a man jumped out of the hole.
> "He is mine," Captain Andrews said. Their swoards clashed as
>another man jumped out of the hole.
Tom: Man, they must have springs for legs.
> Yoshida's sword met his. Then a
>thrid and fourth man came out
Mike: Mom, Dad; Phil and I are in love.
> to fight with Ohlin and Washington.
>"Keep them away from the door," Andrews called.
> "I note your man is closest to it," T'Gwen said. "Care to
>switch off, Torrey? I think this man is more your style."
Crow: Ugly as hell and rock stupid?
> "OK," Captain Ohlin said as they when back to back. They made
>the quick switch off. Ohlin's first stroke
Mike: Left her partially paralyzed on her left side.
> against her new opponent
>was a slash at the neck. It was sucessful making the first kill
>Victoria Ohlin's. "Any one need help?"
Crow: [Romulan] Ooh! Ooh! I do!
Tom: [Victoria] Not you guys.
> "Over here Torrey," Captain Andrews said avoiding a low blow.
Mike: Hey! Marquis de Queensbury rules, everybody! Watch it!
>"This guy is good."
> Ohlin drew here dagger and threw it into Andrews' opponent's
>back,
Tom: [Romulan] Is this a dagger I see behind me?
> bringing her kills to two. "That help Phil?" she asked as the
>man fell.
> "Yes, watch your back," Captain Andrew said as a fifth man
>jumped out of the hole
All: [make Six Million Dollar man noises] SHING-shing-shing-shing!!
SHING-shing-shing-shing!!
> behind Ohiln.
> Ohlin turned quickly, her sword with the narrowest of margins
>defecting
Crow: Her sword sought diplomatic immunity from Cuba.
> the on-rushing enemies sword. "Thanks, Phil. take the next
>one will you," she said as a sixth man emerged from the pitt.
Mike: Available from Image Comics.
> Meanwhile Captain Yoshida had dispatched his man. "Any one
>need help?" he asked.
Tom: [Romulan] Me! Over here!
Mike: [Yoshida] I thought we told you to knock it off!
> "Over here, Yuki," Captain Washington said. This deverted her
>opponents attention for a half a second enabling her to finish her
>opponent off.
> "I take it your request is canceled, Gwen?" Captain Yoshida
>asked.
Crow: For a swordfight, there sure is a lot of bureaucracy involved.
> "Certainly," She said, drawing her dagger. She threw it behind
>Yoshida and it impacted a enemy emergeing from the hole.
Tom: _That's_ gonna leave a mark.
>
> Meanwhile, Leutenant Comamnder Geordi LaForge had rigged some
>explosives
Mike: Which mysteriously materialized out of nowhere.
> to colapse the tunnel out side the keep. He lit the fuse
>and he and an assistant retreated to a safe distance.
Tom: [assistant] Uh, sir, what about the captains inside?
Crow: [Geordi] Screw 'em!
>
> Back inside the keep, two more enemies had emerged to engage
All: Make it so.
>Captains Washington and Yoshida. Then LaForges explosives went off.
Crow: Killing everyone.
>Everyone but Captain Washington paused at the sound of the explosives.
>The half Vulcan took advange of this pause to render her opponent
>unable to fight.
Mike: Oooh, all this graphic violence is making me queasy.
> Next to recover was the seasoned swords woman,
Tom: Oh, you should try the seasoned swordswoman; it comes blackened
with a touch of cayenne.
> Captain Ohlin.
>She disarmed her opponent and slew him in a quick stroke.
Mike: Man, I wish I got as good of dice as these guys are getting.
Crow: Incredible, T'Gwen! Another 18!
> Then the others resumed fighting. However it was now 4 to 2
>StarFleet and it showed.
Crow: What the hell does that mean?
Tom: I don't think even Ratliff knows.
> The two remaining were dispatched in a fury
>of swords.
Mike: Man these guys are bloodthirsty!
>
> The fifth night began with a meeting in the new castle Map
>Room. Captains
Crow: Courageous.
> Andrews, Ohlin, Picard, Washington, and Yoshida joined
>Riker, Data, LaForge and Leiutenants Worf Barclay and Dean in the map
>room around the model table.
Tom: In other words, all the main characters.
> "The Doctor is unable to attend this meeting," Captain Picard
>said.
Tom: Ok. So _almost_ all of the main characters.
> "However she does wish to inform us that there have been no
>additional StarFleet fatalities.
Crow: Then what is she doing?
Mike: Trying to stay as far away from this fanfic as possible.
> The First item on the aggenda is the
>Gate Commander Report. Barclay?"
Mike: [Barclay] Um, my dog ate it.
> "North-th Bridge has been untested except for an ocassional
>archer since day two," Barclay said. "My team is suffering from
>boredom, but is ready for action."
Tom: Stand by for...ACTION!!
> "Dean," Picard prompted
> "West Bridge is in the same state as North Bridge," Dean said.
> "Worf," Picard said.
> "South Gate is battle weary," Worf said.
Tom: [Worf] We're so sleepy we can hardly keep our eyes open.
> "We have been under
>attack all most constantly for 3 days before the attack on Harbor Keep.
>My team needs at least a shift off duty.
Mike: Try to get Debbie to cover for me at the fry machine tomorrow.
> If we get that we will be
>back to strenght."
> "Barclay, Your men will take over South Gate for the rest of
>this watch," Picard said. "Dean, your men have the next. Gate
>commanders dismissed."
Crow: [Picard] Begone from my sight! You sicken me!
> Barclay, Dean and Worf filed out of the room. The Picard spoke
>up again, "Now for the Harbor Keep Report, Captain Ohlin."
Mike: And now time for the Harbor Keep Halftime Report, with Victoria
Ohlin.
> "As you know Harbor Keep was attacked today, via a tunnel under
>the wall and a passage behind the waterfall," Captain Ohlin said. "The
>tunnel was discovered by Leiutenant Commander LaForge.
Crow: [Geordi] Yup. Pretty much. I saved _all_ your asses. Uh-huh.
> The Captains of
>the Sailing ships defended the Keep while LaForge colapesed the tunnel.
>During the attack, nine soldiers entered Harbor Keep, eight were
>killed, one captured.
Tom: I thought they killed them all.
Mike: They brought one back to life for questioning.
> An additional three soldiers were found under
>the table that had fallen into the hole and were captured. The
>excavation of the tunnel found three dozen soldeirs dead."
Crow: Is anyone else sickened by the massive death toll of this fanfic?
> "Enginneering report, LaForge."
> "After a sufficant gaurd had been assembled, my crew and I
>ecavated the collaped area," Geordi reported.
Mike: [Geordi] You're an archeologist, Picard. What's this bone thingy I
found?
> "We then proceed to open
>up the passage under the wall and install a door.
Tom: Knock, knock!
Crow: Who's there?
Tom: The Romulans. Can we come in and kill you?
> After Commaned Riker
>had declared the other side clear, we inspected the side under the
>waterfall we made some repairs and rigged an alarm."
Crow: With the materials which materialized along with the explosives.
> "Captain Washington, your infiltation plan's status?" Captain
>Picard said.
> "All Vulcans are in place," T'Gwen replied.
> "Naval readiness report,
Mike: Um, I've got some lint in mine.
> Captain Yoshida," Captain Picard said.
> "All five ships are ready," Yuki said. "We still need a
>Captain for the three masted affair we have named Enterprise.
Tom: Wait--in just five days they built an entirely new ship?
Mike: It just keeps getting worse and worse...
> Two
>dozen canoes have been built for the attack."
Crow: [laughing] They're going to attack a gunboat with _canoes?_ "Uh,
can you guys wait while we board you?"
> "LaForge has the Enterprise."
> "Thank you Captain,' LaForge replied.
Mike: [Picard] Just make sure you return her with a full tank.
> "Attack plan Gamma status, Captain Andrews," Picard asked.
> "All ships are ready," Phillip replied. "The canoes are ready
>to leave Harbor Keep though the tunnel
Crow: They based their attack plans on Pirates of the Carribean.
> at a moments notice. The signal
>for the attack has been set for the bells of Saint Paul's."
Tom: Everyone, synchronize your sundials.
> "Proceed with the attack as schuduled," Picard said. "Meeting
>Ajourned."
>
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[Continued in part 6]