"The War" (ANIME) (MSTing) (Ranma 1/2)

[fcasper]

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MST Gamera wrote:

>There is very little disscussion going on, no one ansers anyone else's
>postings, just start new ones. We need a real a**hole like neuron to >spice things up again, if you wantto bash this post please do!! At >least there will be SOME disscussion, even if it is about my >spelling!!!!

This is the third of three MSTings to be posted. C&C is welcome and you
can find more at Tenchi's Vault of Anime MSTings
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Temple/4007/MSTings.html

Sincerely,

Megane 6.7

(The Future isn't what it used to be....)

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*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)

(The future isn't what it used to be....)

"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7"

EPISODE 5: THE WAR

(A Ranma 1/2 MSTing)

MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7

This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.

Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are
the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc....

Ranma 1/2 is the property of Rumiko Takahashi and all the
distributors of her work.

Sailor Moon is the property of Naoko Takeuchi and all the
distributors of her work.

"The War" is the property of M. Llave and he's welcome to it. I do
not intend to offend him for making fun of his work like this but I
figure it's only a matter of time before someone does. Think of this as
another form of C&C. ;)

SOMEWHERE IN TOKYO....
23:20 HOURS

It was a dark and stormy night. Suddenly, a voice rang out.

"I am Sailor Moon, champion of injustice! In the name of the
dark side of the moon, I will wrong rights and triumph over good....!"

Sailor Moon, dressed in a skimpy white sailor uniform with
black trimmings, finished making her gestures and then pointed her
finger accusingly at the peace loving pacifist as she finished her infamous
speech.

"....And that means YOU."

The pacifist took a step back, his face betraying his fear.
"Y....You're that evil sailor girl who's been beating up innocent people
and stealing their energy!"

"Give the man a prize...." Sailor Moon replied with an evil grin
as she began to stalk towards him.

"P....Please, I beg you...." The pacifist fell to his knees and
clasped his hands together, pleading.

"Oh, you'll be begging me all right...." Sailor Moon remarked
as she slowly pulled out her crescent moon wand. As she started to go
through the motions, the pacifist, realizing his death was near, made a
break for it.

He ran away from the girl at top speed, determined to gain as
much distance as humanly possible. In his panicked state, he failed to
notice a couple of figures just ahead of him. He looked up just in time for
Sailor Jupiter to land a powerful kick to the stomach.

The pacifist doubled over in pain, gasping for breath. Then he
felt a gentle hand on his shoulder. He turned around to see Sailor Mercury
giving him a warm smile....just before she drove her knee into the small of
his back.

Sailor Jupiter laughed, surprisingly the sound was pleasant and
gentle with no trace of the malice she had displayed earlier. Sailor Mercury
hooked the pacifists arms in a full nelson while Sailor Jupiter ran her
fingers over his cheek.

"He look just like my old boyfriend...." Jupiter remarked as she
continued to examine him. Then she lashed out with a punch, and then
another....

Soon the man was on his hands and knees, unsuccessfully trying
to protect his body as both Jupiter and Mercury beat the crap out of him,
raining blow after blow on him. When they were finished, the pacifist
wasn't dead but he wasn't moving either....

"Hey guys! Save some for me!" A voice called out.

The pacifist struggled to rise, to escape these sadists at any cost.
Then he felt someone's fingers run through his hair and painfully jerk his
head up. The man found himself looking at a pair of red high heels. The
woman, whom he now realized was Sailor Mars, lifted one of her shoes
right in front of the pacifist's face.

"Lick it...." the voice demanded.

The pacifist swallowed hard and hesitated.

"If you don't, I promise you'll burn for a VERY long time...."
Sailor Mars threatened.

Reluctantly, the pacifist leaned forward and stuck out his
tongue. Sailor Mars smirked and suddenly kicked the pacifist in the face
before he could lick her. "Dream on, hentai! As if I'd give you the
pleasure...." Mars scoffed as Jupiter began to laugh again.

"We've wasted enough time on this pathetic human." Sailor
Moon said as she approached her friends and the beaten man, once again
preparing to use the crescent moon wand. The pacifist closed his eyes,
praying for a quick death....

Suddenly, a bolt of black energy struck Sailor Mars in the back,
sending her spawling to the ground. The other sailors looked up in
surprise to see Jadeite floating in the sky.

"Sailor Senshi! In the name of the Negaverse, I order you to
release that poor man or suffer the consequences!" Jadeite proclaimed as
he prepared another energy bolt to use....

"This is a private party, Nega-trash! Members of the Dark Moon
Kingdom only!" Sailor Moon shot back as she motioned her friends to
attack.

"SPARKLING WIDE PRESSURE!" Jupiter screamed as she
unleashed her electricity attack on Jadeite. The blast bounced harmlessly
off an invisible shield that had formed around Jadeite as he pressed his
attack. Realizing she couldn't use projectile attacks against him, Jupiter
gave a quick signal to Mercury....

Mercury nodded and unleashed her Shabon Spray Attack,
enveloping the area with a thick fog. Jupiter broke into a run, charging
towards Jadeite, intending to take him down with her fists while Mercury
snuck up on him from behind....

Only to be surprised when they met each other in the middle
and discovered that Jadeite had disappeared.

"What the fu...." Sailor Mercury exclaimed.

W....Where did he go?" Sailor Jupiter frantically looked from
side to side.

"YOU IDIOTS! THEY'RE GETTING AWAY!!!"

Mercury and Jupiter looked towards the shout and were
shocked to see their leader pointing towards the sky, where Jadeite was now
levitating with the injured pacifist cradled in his arms.

"MOON....TIARA....ACTION!!!" Sailor Moon said as she
unleashed her most powerful attack at the negaverse general. To her
dismay, the general raised a gloved hand and stopped the frisbee of death
right in its tracks where it proceeded to fall harmlessly to the ground.

"Your days of tormenting innocents such as this poor soul are
coming to an end, Sailor Moon! Long live Queen Beryl!" Jadeite
proclaimed as a portal opened up behind him, giving him easy access to
the Negaverse and safety....

But he never reached it as a suddenly blast of yellow light put
a hole in his shoulder. Jadeite cried out in pain as he struggled
desperately to maintain his grip on the pacifist.

"Looks like our *days* aren't as numbered as you thought!"
Sailor Venus remarked as she stepped out of the shadows to stand beside
her leader. Sailor Moon smiled as she wrapped her arms around Venus
and gave her a passionate kiss. "You've earned a special treat for
tonight...." Moon whispered into Venus's ear as she gently nibbled on
it.

"V....Venus...." Jadeite whispered.

With her arms still around Sailor Moon, Venus looked up at
him and exclaimed. "Oh, I'm sorry! Did I forget to cry out *Venus
Crescent Beam* in time for you to raise your protective shield? Silly
me...." Venus said with a wicked smile as she finally released her
lover and pulled out her power stick. "But don't worry Jadeite, I won't
forget to call out my attack this time. VENUS....LOVE ME.....CHAIN!!!"

An energy chain suddenly appeared around Sailor Venus as she
waved around her power stick. Then the chain shot towards Jadeite and
looped itself around the neck of the pacifist, transforming into a noose.
Jadeite tried to undo the chain only to have Venus and all the other sailor
senshi join together in pulling the other end of the chain as hard as they
could, making for a very deadly game of tug of war.

The pacifist gasped for air, his eyes bugging out as the pressure
from the chain began to crush his windpipe. His face was turning a very
unhealthy shade of purple as Jadeite desperately tried to help him but the
general's injury and need to hold the pacifist up, made it next to
impossible. Jadeite glanced down at the evil sailor girls, knowing they
wouldn't give up until the pacifist was dead. Then Jadeite looked at his
escape portal, still awaiting entry. Reluctantly, he knew what he had
to do....

The senshi were yanking the chain for all they were worth,
hoping to hear the sound of bones popping when Jadeite suddenly released
the pacifist, causing him to drop from the sky like a stone. His cry of
surprise was short as he landed with a sickening crunch on the hard
pavement. The senshi stared at the body for a moment giving Jadeite the
time he needed to quietly slip into the portal, his hands pulsating with
raw energy. When the senshi looked back up, Jadeite was gone.

"Some hero....sacrificing the hostage to save himself." Sailor
Mars muttered.

"You're just pissed off because he got the drop on you first."
Sailor Jupiter replied with a smirk.

Mars gave a cold glare at Jupiter who smiled in return. Then
they turned to see Sailor Moon leaning over the pacifist. "Damn him....Jadeite
took his energy before dropping him! He's just an empty shell now!" Moon
growled as she viciously slammed a fist down into the body's chest before
rising to her feet.

"At least Jadeite didn't save him either...." Mercury pointed out.

"No, but he took his energy, energy that will only make him
more of a threat the next time we have to deal with him." Mars retorted.

"We should have been better prepared...." Moon snapped as she
turned to face her comrades. "This is the forth time the Negaverse has
tried to undermine our cause. Because of him, we've lost two potential
sources of energy and we lost Tuxedo Mask!"

Mars snorted. "Tux-Boy was a little wuss! Him and that
stupid rose of his...."

Jupiter giggled, remembered how pathetic Mamoru looked with
his own rose sticking through both sides of his neck before he died.

"Nonetheless, he's one less person we have to fight against the
Negaverse!" Sailor Moon admonished the group. Then she turned to
Venus and her expression softened. "At least there's ONE person I can
count on around here."

Venus blushed at the compliment while the other senshi gave her
the stare of death. Then Sailor Mercury yawned, prompting the others
to do the same. "We'd better go home and get some sleep before school
starts." Mercury said as she turned to leave.

Moon rolled her eyes. "Is that all you ever think about, Ami?"

Jupiter nodded her agreement. "I don't know about the rest of
you, but I'm sleeping in tomorrow."

"Okay, but be sure to meet us outside the school at lunchtime.
We have to plan our next attack for tomorrow night." Moon reminded
Jupiter as she left the premises. Mars stretched out her tired body and
winced as the pain of Jadeite's shot was still present as she departed,
leaving Sailor Moon and Venus alone on the sidewalk. Venus
immediately went behind Moon and gently draped her arms over her
shoulders, taking hold of Moon's hands. Venus then began to kiss the
nape of her neck, causing Sailor Moon to gasp in pleasure....

"Ohhh....that feels good." Sailor Moon moaned, allowing her
friend full access to her body. As Venus continued to pleasure Sailor
Moon, her thoughts briefly drifted to Jadeite and how she would make
him pay for his interference. It was only a matter of time before the
Dark Moon Kingdom would eliminate the Negaverse once and for all.

Then Usagi allowed herself to completely relax, beginning to
return the pleasure that Venus was making her feel right now. As Venus
felt Usagi's hand up her skirt, gently caressing one of her cheeks, she
whispered in her ear to go somewhere a little more public, since the
streets now seemed to be deserted with the coming rain. Usagi happily
agreed, knowing Minako got a big thrill from doing it in front of others,
making it all the more fun....

Soon they were gone, leaving behind the corpse of the pacifist,
his face forever frozen in a mask of horror and fear, his unblinking eyes
staring up into the sky as if still pleading for the savior that failed him.

The rain gently fell, bringing with it a cold wind....

(Fade to Black)

"End Program and Save!"

* * *

THE HOLOCABANA

As the streets of Tokyo faded away to reveal four balsawood
walls that made up the Holocabana, Crow T. Robot turned around, his
face expectant. "So, guys....What did you think? I decided to call it
*Evil Moon: Sins of the Sailor Senshi*."

"Hmmm....It's not a bad idea....An alternate universe where
the Sailor Senshi are the bad guys...." Tom Servo replied thoughtfully.

"And Jadeite of the Negaverse is the hero!" Crow finished with
pride.

"I have a question....?" Joel Robinson spoke up.

"Yeah, Joel?" Crow replied.

"Why did you decide to make Usagi and Minako lesbians?
Just wondering...." Joel wondered.

"Well....Naturally, I always like to add a *little* H to my
holofics...." Crow began.

"Naturally." Tom and Joel repeated dryly.

"Plus, I don't think I'm going to include the Outer Senshi or
Sailor Stars in this particular story. It's less complicated with only the
original five. Besides, Minako and Usagi make such a kawaii couple
don't you think?" Crow asked.

Joel shrugged. "I'm more of a Ami/Sailor Mercury fan
myself...."

"Are you going to turn this into a lemon eventually then?"
Tom asked.

Crow shook his head. "Nah, I have the Usagi's Usual Morning
Programs for that...."

"Ah, the true classics never die...." Tom remarked fondly.

"The real question is....Are you going to continue this story or
leave it unfinished like most of your programs?" Joel asked.

"Hey, it's not my fault, Dr. F keeping interrupting me to watch
crappy fanfics and movies with you guys!" Crow protested. "I can never
find the time...."

"Oh, really?" Joel shot back. "Then how come I manage to
finish my *inventions* on time before the exchange every week?"

"Uhhh...." Crow bigsweated. "There's a very good reason for
that...."

"Such as?" Tom inquired, clearly amused at Crow's discomfort.

"Well....ummm....." Fortunately for Crow, the intercom suddenly
came to life as Gypsy's voice announced. "Guys, I hate to bother you but...."

"Dr. F?" Joel and the robots echoed.

"No, not yet." Gypsy continued. "I need you to clear out of the
holocabana for a while. Crow's been using it a bit too much lately and
the Satellite of Love needs time to recharge it's solar batteries."

"There! THAT'S the reason why I never finish my projects!"
Crow exclaimed, silently giving thanks to Gypsy for the distraction and
the excuse.

"It should only be a few days and then you can use it again.
Sorry about the inconvenience." Gypsy apologized as the intercom shut
off.

"Oh well, guess we could always read a few fan letters in the
meantime...." Tom suggested as they all left the Holocabana....

* * *

DEEP 13
A LITTLE LATER....

"Step on the scale, Frank...."

Dr. Clayton Forrester, mad scientist and evildoer that could
give Dogbert a run for his money, was carefully studying the read-out
of the electronic scale while his assistant, T.V.'s Frank, looked to have
put on a bit of weight as his black, double-breasted, jumpsuit strained
against the fabric.

"Eureka! It works!" Dr. Forrester announced as he raised a
fist into the air. "And those smug, snobby, dietitians and nutritional
know-it-alls think they're better than me?! HA!!!"

"It is to laugh, eh, Dr. F?" Frank replied nervously as he
struggled to button his pants.

"I tell you right now, Frank....If that insignificant pimple in the
buttcrack of the universe, Joel Robinson, can come up with a better
invention than me this week, why I'll....I'll...."

"Come up with a better one next week?" Frank guessed.

"Well, of course...." Dr. Forrester replied in a normal voice.
"BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT!!!" he suddenly screamed. "Joel thought
he was REAL cute trying to invent something last time that appealed to
the anime fans out there...."

"You mean the *TRISH* machine?" Frank asked.

"Yes....but my point is, TWO can play at that game. If he wants
to play hardball with me, my baseball bat awaits his pitch. Oh yes...."
Dr. Forrester had an evil grin as he rubbed his hands together eagerly.

"Call them up, Frank...."

* * *

SATELLITE OF LOVE
A LITTLE EARLIER....

"Bring out the box!"

Crow did so and Joel reached inside to grab a bunch of fan
letters and began to read them out loud.

"As before, to protect the privacy of the people who wrote in,
we've left off the last name and e-mail address of the senders. Don't
worry, they're all genuine." Tom pointed out.

Our first letter comes to us from Rebecca and he writes....

*I just read your "Judge Brainitite 6.7" MST3K, and I wanted
to send you mail letting you know how absolutely hilarious it
was. You've obviously gotten a lot of that, but what the heck. ^_^
Some of my favorite bits were the spidey sense line, "Shampoo,
Repent, Repeat", and pretty much everything followed up by
"Crow....". ^_^ You are obviously a twisted little monkey, and
we're all the happier for it. Well, all of us except Oscar. Some
people have no sense of humor. -_-;; Please keep doing these
when you can! ^_^

Rebecca, who is off to read the Jupiter/Godzilla one, then
to find the other two on the web... *_*

"Thanks, Rebecca! We hope you like the other three as well!"
Crow replied cheerfully.

"Our next letter comes to us from Angel and she writes...."

*Hi I've read your four sailor moon misting and I think that
there pretty good. I laughed though all of them and I agree about
Artimis's lover *shudder* I was wondering if you've done any other
misting i.e. Ranma 1/2 cause I would love to read them. also how do I
get on the FFML cause I really want to well keep up the good work can't
wait to read your next stuff, bye now;)*

"We be sure to send a copy of this MSTing to you, Angel. To
subscribe on the FFML, just send a e-mail to fanfic-...@fanfic.com,
type "Subscribe" in the heading and then you're all set!" Tom replied.

"We have a letter from LaShawn and she writes...."

*Deep Hurting!!! Deep Hurting!!!

Oh, this was bad. This was so bad. Tears were pouring out of my eyes, it was
so so bad. Where did you find this...this abomination?!?! Oh, this was
bad. This was bad.

I am now convinced that this should be your new purpose in life...to seek
out awful fanfics for poor Joel and the Bots to hack, slash, and overall
have complete fun with. And I hope you'll include some more fan mail. That
email from Oscar had me on the floor! I would visit his homepage just to
convulse over the incredible amount of horrid fiction he has there. Thanks
for introducing him into our lives. Whenever I feel like my own writing is
lousy, I'll have this and Oscar to cheer me up. Keep MSTing the fics!!!*

"It amazes me how well known Oscar is now that people are
aware of his fanfics through our MSTings." Tom said.

"Yeah, Oscar's well on his way to becoming the next Stephen
Ratliff." Crow joked.

"But in all fairness, Oscar has apologized since his last post
for threatening us and even gave us some more of his fics to MST...."
Joel explained.

"Really?" Crow's voice was tinged with surprise.

"Yeah, he even sent us a whole bunch of letters....and here they
are...."

(6/10/97)

* Hey! Little S.O.B.! It's me Oscar "Artemis's Lover".....What's
with you? huh? criticing EVERYONE's H-fanfics! and what about you?!
have you done ANY h-fanfic lately? if you think you're sucha big shot
then why don't you make one huh?! also what the hell is a C&C? and i
know a DR.FEELGOOD in the tokyo chat is that the same one that's in
your story?! Also i like my Fanfics to be Weird!? VERY weird! and
controversial also Read my other Fanfics *at
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Flats/3272* You'll see that i have made
a big progress since the last time i made a fanfic! and i'm making a 4th
H-storie, so please don't even think about making a satire outta it! you
know Felicia don't you? i'll await your reply.....

Until then, this is Oscar"Artemis's Lover" signing off....

P.S.:Stop telling everyone that i'm an Hermaphrodite! Do you want
everyone to know??????

P.P.S.:SEE YOU IN HELL!!!...FROM HEAVEN*

"How could I forget Felicia!" Tom replied enthusiatically. "I
met her during the big Capcom party at Ken's house. We were making
small talk....I think a street fight broke out at some point but we weren't
paying attention....I tell you guys, she was so drunk that night that she
jumped into the pool! And I always thought cats hated water...."

"Tom, do you mind if we finish reading the rest of the letters?"
Joel asked.

"Oh, sorry Joel...."

(6/11/97)

* Hiya! Megane...if that's your real name. hey Why don't you
make a MST or C&C of Sailormoon vs wwf? huh? i give you my
permission, you know where it's located don't you? in
http:///www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Flats/3272 And stop telling everyone
my secret! i only tell that to those who are my friends or the creeps who
have been bugging me for "Artemis's Lover" ok? oh and i didn'y know
you putted a link to my page in yours.....THANKS! And sorry for
calling you a S.O.B. it's just that i got really pissed off that time! well if
you make that, please send me the url where i can read it ok? looks like
your server isn't accesible i tried to go and see your h-fanfics but i
couldn't cuz it wouldn't connect....

Until then, this is Oscar"Artemis's Lover" signing off...^_^*

"Boy he sure changed his tune in a hurry." Crow pointed out.

(6/14/97)

*What does that mean?! MST.....well this may sound weird
but have you already done the MST on "Sailormoon vs WWF"? i wanna
read it bad....see what crow or joel think about that. Oh and i already
finished the 4th episode of Sailormoon Z "That girl" you may just want
to read everything but the sex scene....but it rocks! Well i just don't
wanna be enemies with you anymore, it's just that you criticise PPL so
much.....well c'ya!

Until then, this is Oscar"Artemis's Lover" signing off...^_^*

(6/19/97)

*Hiya Megane, it's me Oscar"Artemis's Lover" hey man, have
you finished your fanfic crossover? i'm almost done with the 2nd part of
"The martial arts tournament" well just wanted to say hi, and tell you that
i'm outta school!!!!! rock it! also when you finish the MST of Sailormoon
VS WWF, could you tell me where i could read it, cuz my former e-mail
server was crushed and the dir. you gave me was erased as well, so i
await your Reply. Bye

Until then, this is Oscar"Artemis's Lover" signing off...^_^*

"Something tells me Oscar's been getting a lot more hits on his
webpage lately...." Tom observed.

"So, are we going to MST *Sailor Moon Vs. WWF* then?"
Crow wondered aloud.

"I don't know if we'll do it personally but I could always send
it to the Target list at Tenchi's Vault of MSTings, or if someone on the
FFML is interested, we could give it to them...." Joel suggested.

"There's also a new site: FFML Fun Critiques at
http://www.tfs.net/~tbutler/FFC/ They have a bunch of MSTings there.
Hopefully this series will be posted there as well...." Crow mentioned.

Tom was about to say something about blatant plugs when the
red light on the console started to flash. Joel gave the box to Crow to put
away while he answered the Mads page. The viewscreen soon came to
life, revealing the smiling vintage of Dr. Forrester.

"Greetings, my little lemmings! Are you ready to fall off a cliff,
build bridges, and even blow yourselves up to please your MASTER?"

"Just point and click the way, sir...." Joel replied sarcastically.

"Yep, we're ready to have great FUN! Things might get a little
TRICKY at times but we're used to performing even the most TAXING
chores. After all, if we weren't, it would be complete MAYHEM!" Tom
finished with false cheerfulness.

"Do we still win if only 50% of us, survives?" Crow added.

Dr. Forrester chuckled, continuing to rub his hands together.
"I'm glad to see your sense of humor hasn't diminished boys. It will
make my victory all the more satisfying when I blow you out of the
water with my latest invention....But where are my manners? You may
go first, Joel."

"Uh.....okay." Joel replied as he went behind the counter to pull
out a handheld microphone. He held it as he began to explain it's purpose.

"Over the past few years, old rock bands have been coming out of
retirement to cash in on their lasting popularity. Unfortunately, some of
these bands no longer possess the golden throats they once had. Now, I
don't want to mention any names, since I'm not the type to *KISS* and
tell, but these bands, great as they were, just can't reach those high octaves
anymore....

"Now, thanks to this...." Joel held up the cordless microphone.
"All those bands will be able to sound exactly the same as they did in their
prime! Inside this microphone is a special filter that fixes any and all
problems with harmony, diaphragm control, dynamics and word emphasis
of the voice being used to sing. You simply program the song into the
mike with the help of this little keypad...." Joel opened a little hidden
compartment in the side of the mike where the numbers 0-9 were
visible. "The tiny microchip contained in the base of the mike has a
complete data record of every song in existence. You just push in the
number and start singing."

Dr. Forrester forced a smile as loose skin began to flake off from
his hands. "Interesting....but how do you tell the microphone which
section, the person singing, is in?"

Joel opened another hidden compartment on the opposite side.
There were four tiny switches marked Alto, Soprano, Tenor and Bass.
"Right there sir. This mike takes care of everything. I've decided to
call it, *MIKE*

Crow frowned. "That name again....where have I heard it
before....I can't put my finger on it...."

"Never mind, Crow. MIKE stands for *Mighty Impressive
Kareoke Emulator.* Tom finished for him.

"What do you think, sir?" Joel asked.

Dr. Forrester gave out a low laugh, his chaffed hands began to
bleed a little. Noticing this, he quickly wiped them off on his labcoat
and prepared to deliver his own invention....

"Well, Joel, My invention is for all those people out there who
want to lose weight. For all those people who want to lose that layer of
blubber you developed over the summer....For all those people who want
to find a girlfriend but are afraid of the resulting earthquake that comes
from walking up to her....For all the people who want to laugh at the
fatsos in the Big and Tall section of a department store instead of *being*
the one laughed at.....and for all the people who have caused women to
faint, men to puke, and children to run away in terror just because they
chose to visit a nude beach for the first time...."

Dr. Forrester walked over to a large treadmill where T.V's Frank,
still as bloated as ever, gasped for breath as he ran in place. "As you can
see, I forced Frank to eat triple helpings of his breakfast, lunch and
dinner for the past two weeks. Now, he is running on this treadmill,
trying to work off the weight, or so it would seem..."

"However...." Dr. Forrester adjusted his glasses as he continued.
"Muscle is heavier than fat and thus he would GAIN some weight before
he started to lose it. Do you follow me so far, Joel?"

"I think so...." Joel replied.

"Now, this treadmill had a special computer that measures just
how long and how hard Frank has to use it in order to gain some weight
right up until the point when he starts to lose some weight. Then, once
it has processed this information, the treadmill then proceeds to run
normally until the subject, Frank, begins to lose some weight. Once that
happens....

The treadmill suddenly came to a halt. Frank gasped and then
collapsed to his knees, grateful for the breather. Then, in a loud digitized
voice, the treadmill announced.

"YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT. DO NOT USE THE
TREADMILL AGAIN UNTIL SPECIFIED."

Joel scratched his head. "I don't get it....?"

"Frank's workout is done for the day and as you can see, he's
very happy about it, as will most overweight people be glad that they
don't have to run anymore. A couple of days will go by, during which
time the overeater will be dying to pig out, and then the machine will
tell him to run again, only to stop when the user begins to lose weight
again. The process continues until finally the user gives in to his
cravings or the person slowly gains enough weight to have a heart attack
and die. Either way, the world will never be the same again, until they
surrender to ME that is! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!"

Joel looked at his robot creations, who both had *This guy is a
total loon.* written all over their faces. "Oh, that's evil, Dr. F....Really...."

"Glad you think so. Since your last invention was based on an
anime theme, I've decided to name my treadmill....*PLEASE SAVE MY
GIRTH!*" Dr. Forrester exclaimed with a smug expression.

Joel and the bots face faulted, bringing an amused grin to Dr.
Forrester's features. "Well, that's that. Now for today's experiment,
I've decided to shy away from Sailor Moon fanfics and focus on Ranma
1/2. This time you won't be receiving a mere *short*, oh no, you'll be
getting the whole enchilada, babycakes! The fanfic this week is "The
War" by M. Llave, starring Nabiki Tendo, Tatewaki Kunou and a whole
bunch of nameless grunts. Enjoy! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! Send them
the fanfic, Frank...."

"(gasp)....I....I don't think....(wheeze)....I......" Frank muttered
weakly just before he passed out.

Dr. Forrester sighed. "They just don't make assistants like they
used to. Now I know how Mr. Peabody felt...." he muttered under his
breath as he went to send the fanfic....

* * *

Joel and the bots were still trying to recover from the name of
Dr. F's invention when alarms and sirens suddenly rang out.

"OHHHH, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!" Joel cried out.

(Door 6: It's a bunch of laser beams. You use a mirror to clear a path.)

(Door 5: It's made of Jenga pieces. You take a block from the bottom
and you put it on top until you can crawl through.)

(Door 4: It falls towards you, missing your foot by millimeters.)

(Door 3: It's a normal door. You have to turn the knob to open it.)

(Door 2. It's made of liquid metal. You give it John Connor's location
and it slinks away.)

(Door 1: It swirls open from the center.)

(Door .7: The camera pans downward where a small hatch pops open.)

Joel walks into the theater with Tom in his arms, Crow
following close behind. Stepping over the air grate that prevented Tom
from entering the theater on his own, Joel placed him down on one of
the theater seats and sat next to him, Crow sitting on his right.

>Nihao!!!

>I'm M. Llave.

Joel: Lesser known brother of Balrog....in America.

Tom: (singing) Falling M. Llave....with....you.....

Crow: Buildings burn, people die, but real Llave is forever....

>This is my first fan fic, well actually my third but the others got
>erased due to a computer problem.

Joel: More like a blessing in disguise.

Crow: Hey, maybe Windows 95 isn't so bad after all!

Tom: Windows95....the only program that let's you multicrash.

>Well since I don't know much about writing pls.

Tom: Pls?

Joel: Pretty Lame Stories?

Crow: Pornographic Lemon Sagas?

Joel: Crow....

>Send your comments to me about this fan fic I made.

Tom: If you don't want to talk about my fanfic then piss off!

>All comments good or bad I shall accept, pls.

Joel: Plus? Please? Pupils?

Crow: This bitch is highly sensitive. We're talking TNT on PLS....

>Mail your comments at m...@philonline.com.ph

Crow: Philonline 4! Repeat, Phil on line 4!

>I hope you enjoy!!!
>The War

Crow: Well thanks, and I hope you enjoy The Famine.

Joel: I'm particular to the Pestilence myself.

Tom: The purpose of war is to serve itself....kinda like a buffet!

>Nabiki looked at the horizon in front of her. She had not seen the
>horizon from the location she was on for a long time. Her thoughts
>were full of hatred yet her face did not show it. She wore a red beret
>on her head (which made her look cute to some people)

Joel: I never knew Nabiki was a guardian angel....

Tom: (singing) 100 girls....will fight one day....

All: (singing) But only 3....make the red beret....

>and a pair of binoculars around her neck. Her face glistened with the
>sun's dull yellow rays hitting her sweat.

Crow: Wouldn't that boil her alive?

Joel: No sweat off my mind....

>Her arms legs and body were a little bigger now,

Joel: Arms have legs?

Crow: Nabiki's bulking up? SAY IT AIN'T SO?!?

>showing evidence of her lifting heavy things;

Tom: I didn't know Nabiki had a brother....

Crow: Gentlemen of the Jury, I ask you to take note of the bulges on her
arms and legs, clear evidence that she has in FACT been lifting heavy
things! Is that not true Miss Tendo?

Tom: (Imitating Nabiki crying) Yes it's true, it's all true! Damn you
Buns of Steel! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

Joel: Anyone would be a little stronger after bench pressing Sally
Struthers.

Crow: People can actually LIFT her?

>yet her beautiful figure had never changed.

Crow: One of the reasons I *Llave* anime women!

Joel: Now that I think about it, that name sounds vaguely familiar....

Tom: Didn't Minmei sing a song with that name in it...

Joel: That's "Do you remember *LOVE*". I was thinking of that
Mariah Carey song....

Tom: Oh! *DreamLlaver!*

Crow: Funny, I was thinking of the third Urusei Yatsura Movie....

>Beside her was Ranma, his face was hard and strong. It was evident
>that he was serious and angry about something.

Crow: (imitating Ranma) Grumble....First, Zenki puts me with my
mother, then I had to marry Cologne and now I'm even falling in love
with that brat, Usagi. Someone's going to pay for this....

>His face bore remnants of his past battles.

Joel: He should really take a bath more often....

Tom: After years of struggling and 10 gallons of Oxy 10, Ranma's
acne problem has finally begun to clear up....

Crow: (imitating Ranma) Hey lady! Wanna see my scars?

>Below the two in the APC 10 hired mercenaries rested at the moment.

Joel: Oh, Nabiki's teaching courses now?

Tom: This...is Ranma. This...is a bucket of water. (Splash) THIS....is
an exploitable resource. Any questions?

>"It as been a year Ranma since we came back here.", Nabiki said
>braking the silence.

Tom: Woah, girl! Ease off the cola!

Crow: Didn't your father teach you any manners?

Joel: Nope, just how to sob and kowtow to old perverts....

>"Yes, it has been a long time.", Ranma said quietly. "I think our
>search for Akane and the others will be over soon.", she said.

Tom: Judging by the stench of their rotting flesh, I'd say they were
pretty close....

>Ranma did not react to this and he slowly went into the APC. *** Ah
>there he goes again. As silent as he was when he found out about what
>happened in Nerma. Oh well I think we should be off. ***

Crow: Pretty stars....pretty stars....

Joel: You've been watching too much Dragon Half, Crow....

Tom: (imitating Nabiki) Could you get me off, Ranma?

Joel: Tom....

>Nabiki went into the APC and ordered a mercenary,

Joel: (imitating Nabiki) Give me a mercenary with bacon and cheese,
a side order of grunts and hold the hostages!

>"Lets go, drive!", she said.

Crow: The mercenary's name is Drive? That's odd.

Joel: Drive. Half brother of *Wedge* from Final Fantasy.

Tom: Something must have drove a wedge between them to drive
them apart.

>"Yes commander!", he replied.

Crow: Driving Mrs. Tendo....

Tom: What are you *driving* at, Crow?

Joel: Something perverted, no doubt.

>The APC went across the vast waste land towards Nerma. They
>stopped five miles from it to take a rest for the night.

>Nabiki hid under dinning table.

Crow: There's a dining table in the APC?

Joel: Maybe Dining Table is the name of one of the mercenaries. Hey, if
someone's named Drive, there's a good chance Dining Table is
somewhere around.

Tom: (imitating Nabiki under the table) As your fearless leader, There's
no risk I won't take! Now YOU get out there!

>She was happy that her work papers were surrounding the whole table
>so she could not be seen.

Joel: Here we have Miss Nabiki Tendo, she's trying not to be seen....

Tom: That's right. It's not the battles, or the wounded, or the screams
of the soldiers under your command dying that makes War hell. It's the
paperwork.

Crow: I can take a bullet just fine but those papercuts really sting....

>*** Akane, Kasumi, dad where are you hiding? *** Akane's foot steps
>went rushing near the table, then a harsh voice yelled at her.

Tom: (imitating Akane) I'm trying to hide so I send my footsteps to tell
you to shut up so we don't get caught!

>"You come with me!!!", a short sturdy looking soldier yelled at Akane.

Joel: Don't make me bite your kneecaps!

>"No way!!!", Akane shout as she kicked him out of the dinning room
>and into the pond.

Tom: Now she'll have to be penalized a stroke.

Crow: Huh huh huh....stroke....Huh huh huh....

Joel: Shut up, asswipe.

>A large splash was heard and soon Akane yelled for her sisters and father.

>"Kasumi!!! Nabiki!!! Dad!!! Where are you!?!?!", she yelled.

Crow: And where's Scooby Doo?!?

Joel: (imitating Kasumi) We're under the furniture dear, be a good girl
and beat up the nice men in cammos.

>Nabiki was about to answer her sister's yell when she heard a dozen
>foot steps walking near by. The sound of the cocking of machine guns
>filled the air.

Crow: Grunts who have sex with their firearms. On the next Donahue.

>*** Oh my!!! Akanes dead! They're going to shoot her! *** Nabiki
>was about to grab Akane's foot to drag her under when a voice yelled,

Tom: If she's already dead, what does it matter if she's shot?

Crow: She's only MOSTLY dead....

Joel: (imitating Akane) I'm getting better!

>"Hey you!!! You must go with us or you shall die!", a soldier pointed
>at Akane.

Joel: (imitating solider) Do as I say or I'll shout BANG!

>"I'll NEVER go with YOU!!!", she shouted as she made a flying
>kick towards the mob in front of her.

Crow: So I guess she's not a goer. Eh? Know what I mean, nudge,
nudge, wink, wink?

Joel: Say no more....

Tom: Please....

>The sound of a machine gun firing for a second filled the air.
>Akane's shriek of pain soon followed it.

Joel: (imitating Akane) Ouch! My ears!

Crow: (imitating sleazy ad exec) There's something in my eye! Oh
(spits) bullet...

>Her body fell hard on the ground as she shouted in pain. The first
>lt. Punched the guy who shot Akane.

Tom: And for years to come, the readers would remember exactly
where they were and what they were drinking the day Akane was shot.

>"You STUPID fool!!! Our orders are to capture all the women unhurt!",
>the lt. yelled at the shooter.

Tom: STUPID! YOU'RE SO STUPID!!!

Crow: If they wanted the women unhurt, why'd they sent a shooter?

Joel: Maybe the shooter had a *shooter* before he began?

>"Oh come on Sir its just her leg. We came still fix her up later!", the
>soldier who shot Akane said on the floor.

Tom: (imitating solider) Don't mind me....Just taking a short break....

>Akane continued her yells of pain and agony.

Tom: PPPPPPAIN!!!! AAAAGONY!!!! OH, PPPPPPAIN!!!!

Joel: Jeez! Get that girl an aspirin!

Crow: Or at least some Preparation H!

>Nabiki tried to stop herself from getting out of her hiding place and
>crying, for she knew if she was heard it was also the end for her.

Crow: It's the end! The end!

Tom: I wish it was the end of this fanfic....

Joel: (singing) It's the end of the world as she knew it....

>She clinched her fist in the anger of the fact that she cannot do
>anything about Akane's grief.

Crow: (tearful voice) What good are these hands of mine?

Tom: (deep voice) They look like strong hands.....don't they?

Joel: She dared not act in the proper tense for fear of being
grammatically correct.

>The soldiers started to carry Akane away. She yelled for help as she
>was being dragged out of the room.

Tom: Carried? Dragged? Which one?

Joel: The author's getting carried away....

Crow: Drag, man.

>The cries of Soun and of Kasumi could also be heard in the house
>hold.

Tom: (imitating Soun doing Rocky) Akaaaaannnneee!

Joel: (imitating Kasumi) Would you like some tea before you take us
away?

>Nabiki tried to stop tears from falling from her eyes yet she could not.
>She could not take the pain of hearing her family being taken away, she
>clenched her fist.

Joel: Again? She's just asking for arthritis that way.

>She knew that this might be her last moment on this earth, yet she knew
>that all she had was her family and no one else. She bent her knees to
>jump out under the table when… TOGGG!!!

All: SPOOOOOOOON!!!

>Two feet landed on the table with a loud slam.

Crow: You think the feet are heavy? Just wait till the rest of the body
arrives.....

Joel: I wonder how many times the author dropped a pair of feet unto a
table before he decided on TOGGG!!!

Tom: BAM! No that's no it... CRASH! Nope, try again... BADOOM!
No sir, I don't like it....PLINK! No, no, no....

>"Stop Insolent Fiends!!! Bring back my beloved Akane Tendo!!!",
>Kuno yelled on top of the table.

>"Kuno Babe!!!", Nabiki yelled in her mind.

Tom: Don't worry babe! I got you! I got you, babe!

Crow: Joel, do humans yell in their mind a lot?

Joel: Hmm....Now that I think about it....not to my knowledge.

>The soldiers looked at the katana wielding man on the table. Half of
>them continued to bring Akane out of the room as she yelled for Kuno's
>help;

Tom: (imitating Akane) Save me Kuno-Chan! I promise to be your
darling Akane from now on! Honest! You know I've always LOVED
your poetry....!

>the other half pointed their weapons of destruction at Kuno's direction
>and had their fingers on the triggers. Kuno knew what he was to do.

Tom: Step 1: Proclaim myself the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High.
Step 2: Wait for flash of lightning and rumble of thunder to make me
look cool. Step 3: Prepare to smite thee.

Joel: Step 4: Get the living crap beaten out of me.

>He jumped up the table and shouted "DIE FOOLS!!!", as he was landing
>on them to release his wrath.

Crow: How the hell do you jump and land at the same time? I can't even
walk and chew gum that way....

>The sounds of six machine guns filled the air. Kuno's yell resonated
>around the room together with two soldiers.

>A bloody severed hand and the ends of three fingers fell on the floor.

Joel: Cool, finger foods!

Tom: You idiot! I said I wanted three fingers of *SCOTCH*

Crow: (English accent) Bloody severed hand! Never keeps his mind on
his work, always daydreaming while twiddling his stubs....

Tom: Oh, how cruel are the fickle fingers of fate....

>As the two soldiers shirked and screamed at what they saw

Tom: (imitating soldiers) 60 bucks! We paid $60 bucks to see a guy
bite someone's ear off!?!?

>was once a part of them but now was on the floor, the other four looked
>at Kuno in amazement. They knew they had shot well over 20 rounds
>point blank on his body yet he stood there not bleeding.

Crow: Oh my god! Kunou is a Breen!

Joel: Of course he's not bleeding! He has to drink a glass of water so
dozens of holes can comically spill water out of him....

Tom: Maybe he's related to B.P. Vess?

>Kuno seeing that the rest of his enemies were dazed took into action.
>He ran up to them and started slashing the soldiers into pieces. The
>shouts of great pain went across the room as Kuno waved his sword.
>Machine guns screamed once more,

Crow: Machine guns screaming? Mercenaries named Drive and Dining
Table? What's this world coming to?

Tom: A screeching halt?

Joel: Good, I want to get off.

>yet their projectiles carved at a wall and not at Kuno. Kuno screamed
>in anger as he charged again. A lone scream from a soldier sounded
>within the room as a shot was fired and all became silent.
>Nabiki curled up into a ball and cried, she had lost another friend.
>She stopped crying as sleep went over her.

Crow: (imitating Nabiki) (sob) It's....so sad....I've lost everyone...that
I care abo.....ZZZZZzzzzzz.......

Joel: That's the best way to get over your friend, sleep while his dead
corpse is in the same room.

Tom: (imitating Nabiki) I'm kinda horny...maybe I should take advantage
of the rigamortis that will soon be setting in.

Joel: Tom....

>Nabiki awoke. Her tears were fully dry and the sun's rays made the
>paper covering the whole of the table glow a bright yellow.

All: (singing) Good morning SUNSHINE....the WAR says HELLO.....

>She realized where she was and what happened the night before. She
>unthinkingly gets out under the table. As she put her hand out to touch
>the floor, a cold and sticky liquid greeted her hands.

Crow: Say....

Joel: Don't even THINK about it, Crow. Just let it pass.

Tom: Semen? You're soaking in it.

Joel: Tom!

Crow: That was MY joke, Tom!

Tom: Heh heh heh. Bite me.

>She moved her head out to see what it was.

Tom: Luckily it WAS just her head, funny as she didn't remember
losing it.

>Her face grew pale as she beheld what was before her. The carcasses of
>humans. Kuno's carcass was on the floor, his head was bleeding.

Tom: Fortunately the rest of his body was unscathed.

Crow: Those soldiers aren't too bright shooting Kunou in the head.
There's no vital organs there!

>Nabiki could not shout,

Joel: She couldn't let it all out

Tom: Jokes like that we can do without.

Crow: Come on!

Tom: We weren't talking to you.

Joel: Come on, guys....

>she had never seen such a hideous sight in her life. She was a stiff body
>looking at the dead people and at Kuno.

Crow: If she's a stiff, I can only imagine the sights she's seeing right now.

Tom: *Flatliners* comes to mind.

Joel: (imitating Nabiki) Being a stiff sucks! I can't get comfortable!

>She looked at Kuno, she felt something about him, yet she did not know
>what it was.

Tom: Kind of hard to feel something when you're DEAD! Isn't it?!?

>She felt she had to tell he something before he passed away.

Crow: (imitating Nabiki) K....Kunou....The pig tailed....girl and
R...R...Ranma are....one....a...and..the...the.....*croak*

Joel: Nice death scene Crow!

Crow: I'm up for a Hermaphrodite....I mean an Oscar!

Joel: *groans*

Tom: Nope. Not gonna say it....

>She did not know, she could not think.

Joel: Nor did she realize, determine or discover....

Tom: SHE'S FRIGGIN DEAD ALREADY!!!

Crow: She's becoming like Kunou!

>All that was in her head was that she was before men who have lost
>some limbs and other body parts.

Crow: That's right. The dead come first. The rest of you bleeding
and wounded soldiers will just have to be patient!

Joel: Pvt. Hicks just croaked, move him up, move him up!

Crow: Hey you with the ruptured spleen! BACK to the end of the line!

>She looked at one soldier who was closest to her. Suddenly Kuno
>whispered, "Akane…………", very weakly.

Joel: (imitating Kunou) Give this....Rosebud....to Akane....

Crow: Citizen Kunou....

Tom: Akane was the name of his sled....

>Nabiki quickly turned her head towards Kuno's direction and screamed.

Tom: SHE ALIVE!!! SHE'S ALIVE!!! NABIKI'S ALIVE!!!!

Joel: She must have survived by eating the other dead soldiers....

Crow: And you call ME perverted, Joel?

>She quickly stood up and hit her back under the table, causing it to flip
>over. She shrieked at the pain of hitting the table and bent down and
>touched her back.

Crow: I'd shriek in pain too if I hit my head and it flipped over.

Joel: Talk about a killer headache....

Tom: (imitating Nabiki) Excuse me? Could someone please give me
some head?

Joel: Tom!

Tom: What?

Crow: Nicely done, Tom.

>She massaged it for a while and then starred at Kuno. He was
>twitching his hand very minutely. Nabiki slowly crawled near him.

Joel: Crow....

Crow: I didn't say anything!

Joel: Let's keep it that way.

>She freightendly put her hand on Kuno's back to shake his seemingly
>lifeless body. "Kuno… Kuno are you alive?…", she said frightened
>and weakly.

Crow: No, I'm dead. Now leave me alone!

Tom: (imitates Kunou) Pardon? I didn't hear the question....

Joel: (imitates Kunou) I refuse to show signs of life until I built enough
dramatic tension....

>Kuno moaned and grabbed a dagger from his robe. He swiftly stabbed
>the floor,

Tom: (imitating Kunou) SPAWN OF REDWOOD! I SHALL SMITE
THEE!

>barely missing Nabiki's other hand. She screamed, her loudest ever,
>her longest ever, she let go of all her fears with that scream, a scream
>that alerted Kuno back to his senses. He quickly stood up and looked
>at the screaming woman. He shook her yet she did not stop her
>terrifying scream.

Joel: I wonder how much Wes Craven paid Nabiki for the free plugs?

Tom: Strange. I have a sudden craving for ice cream....

Crow: In space....No one can hear Nabiki.

>He shook her harder yet she still did not stop. He knew that she was
>nearing the verge of insanity, he did not want to do what he was
>thinking.

Crow: Why not? She's been doing it to him for years....

Joel: Crow....

Crow: Sorry.

Tom: (imitating Kunou) I wonder if Kodachi would mind sharing her
room at the asylum....

>*** I am sorry fine Nabiki Tendo, but I can't have a mad comrade in
>this time. *** He opened his palm and swung it at Nabiki's cheek.
>PACK!!!!!!!!!!

Joel: ....ard Bell sucks?

Crow:....up your troubles?

Tom: SMACK! Nope, no good... KAPOW! Doesn't swing... SLAP! To
the omnipedia, try again... PACK!!!!!!!!!! Perfect!

Crow: CAPOW!!! That didn't work either. I guess I better jus' GRIT
my teeth and bare it.

>Nabiki had stopped her screaming. Her head was facing the direction
>where Kuno's hand had left her face. Her eyes did not seem to see
>anything. Her tears started flowing. She dropped to bloody floor.

Tom: The reader is getting tired of all these clipped sentences....

Crow: Bloody floor. Located conveniently between skin and bone. Be
sure to check out our FABULOUS selection of tissue, vessels and clots,
along with a VAST variety of cells....

>Kuno felt a piercing pain on the side of his head.

Crow: Uh oh. He may have a brain tumor!

Joel: You need a brain for that....

Crow: Oh yeah....

>He reached his temples with his hand. He felt cold blood on his head.

Crow: Feeling the blood on his head caused Kunou's blood to run cold.

Tom: Then he nearly released a bloodcurdling scream when he saw how
much blood there was on his hands. They were all warm blooded human
beings who deserved a better fate than this....

Crow: But at least he could take heart that his sister hadn't died, for
blood was thicker than water, and his nobleman's blood would enable
his family to survive for generations to come.

Tom: And as he witnessed the carnage around him once more, he softly
whispered. "Bloody hell...."

Joel: Ladies and Gentlemen....The BLOOD sketch! Thank you very
much!

>He slowly moved to feel hi ear. He stopped his movement and his eyes
>grew large. He could not believe it, he just could not believe that the
>upper part of his ear was gone!!!

Tom: (imitating Kunou) That's right, I got into that fight with Tyson last
night.

Crow: That reminds me of another tasteless joke. What did Evander
Holyfield say after the referee told him he had won the fight by DQ?

Joel: What?

Crow: Exactly.

Tom: Where'd you hear that one from?

Crow: I didn't. It was a *Spur of the Moment* thing....

>He quickly put away his hand from his ear, he did not want to know
>what else did he lose.

Crow: Well if Nabiki was horny enough, he may have lost his virginity....

Joel: Crow....

>He looked down and shook his head, try to forget about his ear. He
>looked at his once beautiful robe. It had a lot of holes from the bullets
>that hit him last night. He saw grateful that he had all his arsinell
>under his robe.

Crow: Uh....If I were Kunou....there's one VERY important part of my
arsenal under my robe that I'd want to protect at all costs.

Joel: Yeah, his half-naked pictures of the pig-tailed girl.

>All his blades and swords were under his robe,

Tom: I think the author's got Kunou mixed up with Mousse.

>acting as a bullet proof vest to all the bullets that had hit him.

Joel: Yeah, who need Kelvar when you've got wooden bokkens....

Crow: My bokkens....I love them SO MUCH!

Tom: I'll take this one Joel. *AHEM* Crow....

>He wondered what was the last thing that happened to him the night
>before.

Crow: Let's see....He called out TOGGG! for some weird reason....His feet
landed on the table....He played *blender* with the soldiers until one of
them picked him off....he tried to assassinate the floor....considered doing
something bad with Nabiki and then slapped her with such force, it made
a loud PACK! sound, which incidentally, is about 3 times louder than a
sonic boom....

>All he remembered was that he had taken the life of the last soldier
>who opposed him, and something hitting his head. He sat down as he
>leaned on the wall and starred at the sky outside aimlessly. A few hours
>passed by and the two did nothing.

Crow: Whatever hit him, it sure wasn't a clue.

Tom: They picked a helluva time to veg out.

Joel: (Imitates director) Psst! Nabiki! Your line is: *Let's go save
my family!* Anytime you're ready....

Crow: Maybe it's one of those moments of introspection they put in all
the *serious* anime....

>Nabiki glanced at Kuno. She saw that the upper portion of his right
>ear was gone and he had a bleeding wound on his head behind the ear.

Joel: OK guys, I call no more Tyson jokes.

Crow: How about Van Gogh?

Tom: Don't forget Beethoven....

Crow: Beethoven didn't lose a ear! He just went deaf.

Tom: Okay....Freddy Pharkas?

Crow: That's better....I think.

>"Kuno…", she said frail.

Tom: *Kuno* or *Frail* which one did she say?!

>"Yes Nabiki Tendo", he said indispare.

Tom: Make up your mind! Choose ONE.

>"Your head is bleeding.", she said.

Tom: Thank you....

>"It is not thy head yet thy ear."

>"No no its your head. The wound is behind your ear.", she said while
>shaking her head weakly.

Tom: No no, it's not thy head yet thy ear!

Joel: (imitating Nabiki) Wait a sec, whose head?

Tom: (imitating Kunou) Thy ear and it's... wait a sec... I...

Joel: (imitating Nabiki) My ear's fine, it's your head I'm worried about....

Tom: (imitating Kunou) Wait! What were we talking about again?

Crow: Skip it.

>Kuno forgetting his thoughts in the past hours put his hand once more
>on his head.

Tom: (imitating Kunou) H....Hey! What with all the bloody corpses?

Crow: And what's that terrible smell?

>He felt a painful smirk as he touched the beck of his right ear.

Crow: The pain BECKoning him.

Joel and Tom: (singing) He's a loser baby....

>He slowly ripped a portion of his robe and tied it on his head.

Tom: God, I hope it was the upper portion....

Crow: I'll bet he's got boxer shorts with a picture of Akane and
Ranma-Chan imprinted on each buttock....

Joel: Either that or "Home of the Bokken"

>He cursed under his breath as he tightened the makeshift bandage on his
>head. Nabiki looked at Kuno and said, "Oh Kuno babe your hopeless,
>you missed the wound by a mile."

Tom: In Canada, he would have missed it by 1.6 kilometers.

Crow: So?

Tom: Just wanted to point that out for our non-metric readers....

Crow: Oh, okay.

>She stood up and walked towards Kuno. She took the piece of robe of
>his head as Kuno cursed her in pain.

Crow: How does one curse in pain?

Joel: Maybe he means putting a curse of pain on her?

Tom: Just have him recite some of his poetry....That'll do it.

>""Your Coarse Woman!", he shouted at Nabiki as she tightened the
>bandage even more. Nabiki banged her tired body on the wall beside
>Kuno. She leaned there for a few minutes until she broke the deafening
>silence.

Crow: (looking feral and foaming) She's banging her tired body and
Kunou just sits there and watches. My GOD!

Joel: Crow!

Crow (hissing) BITE ME!

Tom: Call Tyson for that. I hear he's available for the next year or so....

>"If Ranma was here they would have not taken Kasumi, daddy and
>Akane away…"

Tom: That's good Nabiki. Way to boost someone's confidence....

Crow: (imitating Kunou) I resent that remark....even if it is probably
true!

Joel: Did anyone notice she didn't mention Genma being taken?

Crow: Who'd want him?

Tom: What?! Genma Saotome running away from the face of danger?!
I....I'm at a loss for words....

Joel: Be careful, Tom, or you'll overload your sarcasm sequencer again....

>"Ah silence woman! If Ranma were here he would have just ended up
>where I am standing!"

Tom: That doesn't make sense....does it?

Crow: He could be speaking metaphorically....

Tom: ....ended up where I am standing....ended up....standing....

Joel: Forget it guys, that sentence is too cryptic to riff....

Crow: ....where I am standing....this is going to bug me all day....

>"Why did you try to stab me earlier?", Nabiki asked, her voice more
>serious.

Tom: (imitating Kunou) It was my SNAPPY answer to your STUPID
question!

>"I thought you were one of the fiends I left alive!" "...Ah Kuno babe.
>Thanks for saving my life last night…. Thanks.", she said with a
>small smile on her face.

>"What?", Kuno asked her, as he looked confused at Nabiki.

All: SHE SAID "AH KUNO BABE. THANKS FOR SAVING MY
LIFE LAST NIGHT....THANKS!!!"

>"I hid under the table while you fought the soldiers."

>"You hid under the table, while I fought the soldiers?!?", he said in a
>confused yet angry voice.

>"...Yeah", she said quietly, as she recognized the tone of his voice.

>Kuno stood up and got Nabiki by her shoulders and slammed on the
>wall.

Crow: Nabiki's gonna get it! Nabiki's gonna get it!

Tom: Yeah! Smite her Kunou! GO BLUE THUNDER! LET'S GO!!

Crow: GO! GO!

Joel: Let's show our support, Atlanta Brave style!

Tom and Crow: Okay!

(Crow and Joel start chopping the air with their left arm while Tom
sways from side to side.)

All: Kuuuuuuuuuuunooooooouuu....Kuuuuuuuuuunnnooooouuu.....

>"You hid there while YOUR sisters and father were being taken away!
>You Hid there while they TOOK AKANE!!!", he yelled furiously at
>her.

All: Kuuuuuuuuuuunooooooouuu....Kuuuuuuuuuuunnnooooouuu.....

>Nabiki's tears started to flow slowly. She suddenly burst into tears.
>Her face looked on the floor then...

>"Commander!!! Commander!!!, the Koreans are attacking!", a voice
>yelled outside her tent.

Tom: (imitating Nabiki) Koreans, you say? I suppose you'll be telling
me the sky is falling next!

Crow: Wait a minute....when did Nabiki end up in a tent? And wasn't
Kunou about to kick her ass?

Joel: Well, let's read the next paragraph and find out....

>Nabiki jerked up her sleeping bag all covered in sweat. She knew she
>had dreamt of the past again. The sound of gunfire soon filled the camp
>site. She dressed up quickly and ran out of her tent.

Crow: Shouldn't she be hiding under the table again?

Tom: Aw, man! So, from the moment the APC stopped for the night,
Nabiki's been having a flashback?

Joel: Nice of the author to tell us in advance, eh?

Tom: Plot twists are one thing but give us a little warning next time!

>"Where are they?!?", she yelled at the mercenary who woke her up.

>"To your left Commander!", he replied.

>She turned her head to look. She saw dozens of lights flashing which
>where quickly followed by the sound of gunfire.

>"Give me the pig!", she yelled at the mercenary as she turned to face
>him.

Tom: (imitating Nabiki) Make yourself useful, P-Chan!

Crow: And while you're at it, Piggy, give me the conch shell!

Joel: What would Kermit say?

>He handed a MP5 to her thinking she could not lift such a heavy gun.

All: (singing) Big Guns!

Tom: MP5...I'll bet it has a much better compression ratio than an MP3...

>*** Stupid new recruit! Doesn't he know I can lift that damn piece of
>metal ***

Crow: (imitating Nabiki) Heavy Metal is my life, solider!

Joel: Nabiki used to be a roadie for the Metal Militia ML'rs

Tom: Didn't the author say at the beginning of the story that she bulked
up?

>"Hand me the M60! Can't you understand Japanese!", she yelled.

Joel: Well, I've watched a fair bit of subtitled anime but I've only mastered
a few choice words....

Tom and Crow: Da'cha!

>"But….", the mercenary said.

>She pushed the man away and grabbed the "PIG" from a compartment
>in the nearby APC. She lifted the heavy piece of metal and waved it
>screaming out bullets across the horizon. Men started to shout in pain and
>fell on the cold waste land. She made the handling of the "Pig" look so
>easy, as if the thing did not weigh anything at all.

Tom: P-Chan's pretty lean for a little porker.

Crow: I wonder if Ryouga likes being *handled* by Nabiki....

Joel: Crow....

>The new mercenary looked at her in surprise. He had never seen a
>woman carry and use successfully such a heavy weapon as that. Nabiki
>walked closer to the amazed man and said, "You better give the gun to
>me or...

Joel: Why is Nabiki asking for a gun she's already holding?

Crow: Hey, you can never have enough firepower....

>Out of nowhere in the dark might bullets hit at Nabiki.

Tom: They might be bullets....They might not.

Crow: (imitating bullets) Take that and that! We're gonna beat you up
with our little fists....

>She fell on the ground having two bullets hitting her stomach.

Crow: (still imitating bullets) Work her midsection over! Harder!

>The new mercenary was pretty shot up. He had most of the bullets
>fired at them.

Joel: (imitating mercenary) Cool! Hey, Nabiki! Check out these
bullets.....Nabiki?"

Tom: Guess his life's shot to hell now, eh?

Crow: Oneshot would have been plenty.

Tom: Haven't we given out enough free plugs by now?

OneShot: Hey, the more the merrier!

Crow: Great, now we have cameos....

>The soldier who had shot the two went closer to see who had he shot.

Tom: Well, the way I figure it, there's a 50-50 chance I got it right....

>"Yeah! This guys pretty dead! Shit! I killed a woman! And a damn
>very beautiful one!"

Crow: Curse this damn very war!!! Curse the damn very politicians!!!

>,he said as he staired at Nabiki's fallen body.

Crow: The guard sadly turned away and slowly climbed the stares to
search for other intruders....

>He saw something shining near Nabiki's waist, some sparkling object.

Crow: Jeremy?

Tom: Mrs. Frisbee?

Joel: Is anyone getting these obscure references?

>He then realized what it was. "OH SH...", was the last he said as
>Nabiki's gun fired.

All: (Muted trumpet imitation) Wah-wah-wahhhhhh.

Tom: First rule of war. Beware of very damn beautiful women with
guns that sparkle....

Crow: From the people that brought you *Sparkling Ketchup!*

>Nabiki added two new holes to the soldiers head with her revolver.

Tom: I guess that means he's holier than thou. Thank you!

>She pulled her self up with the "PIG" and removed her jacket off her
>body.

Joel: First, Akane, and now Nabiki. Man, Ryouga is one lucky guy....

> She poked at the two bullets that stuck to her bullet proof vest.
>*** Dumb Korean, thought I would go to battle without this! ***
>He stomach felt a little soar from the shots she took.

Crow: Still, her heart sored as she realized she was still alive.

>She was glad she always did crunches to strengthen her abdomen.
>She turned her attention to the gun fire a few dozen meters away
>from her. Ranma squeezed out the last bullets of his assault rifle and
>ran towards the enemy.

Crow: About time Ranma showed up again....

>Hand on the barrel he smashed its stock dreadfully on the soldiers face.
>The soldier screamed in pain as the stock smashed into pieces on his face.

Tom: (imitating soldier) I would shoot you, but the safety for the gun is on.

Joel: (imitating Ranma) I'm a martial artist, but I would rather use a gun.

>He dropped on the ground unconscious. Ranma continued his reign of
>terror at the soldier in front of him. He ran filled with anger at them,

Tom: When did this turn into a Dragon Ball Z fic?

>not feeling the bullets pass through his arm. His uppercut launched a
>soldier up into the air as he crushed another soldier's arm with his leg.
>The screams of extreme pain and agony as Ranma beat them up. He
>did not stop his thrashing at the soldiers even if they were laying half
>dead on the floor.

Joel: (imitating Ranma) Well since they're half dead, I might as well
amuse myself and finish the job. This is WAR after all....

Tom: War....what is it good for?

Crow: Absolutely nothing....

>He was merciless, he did not feel any sorrow for the soldiers. He
>became a cold blooded killing machine.

Tom: Johnny 5 finally went over the edge....

Crow: I won't ask again....WHERE IS SARAH CONNOR?!?

>Nabiki saw what he was doing and quickly goes into action. *** There
>he goes again, into that evil state ***

All: (singing) OOOOOOOO....KLAHOMA, where the wind comes
sweeping down the plains....

>Her passionate soul could not bear what he was doing.

>"Ranma!!! Ranma!!!", she yelled.

All: (singing) Help me Ranma! Help help me Ranma....

>Ranma looked at her and she continued her speech, "Their dead
>already! Leave them alone!", she said quite pleadingly.

Tom: Why? They gonna get up and tell him to knock it off?

Crow: He can't stop yet! That soldier's baby finger is still twitching a
bit!

Joel: (whiny voice) But I wanna show off my Ki attacks!

>He looked at the half dead people in front of him, and did not regret on
>what he had done. All he had thought about when he beat up the
>soldiers was Akane. What has happened to her. What have they done
>to her. His imaginations of the evilest things they could have done, and
>is she all right. It was the sole reason why he had come with Nabiki, to
>get Akane back.

Tom: Hey guys! It's time to go.

Crow: But the fanfic isn't over yet....

Joel: And that's a BAD thing?

Crow: Good point but aren't we ending this a bit abruptly?

Tom: We ran a *little* long with the intro....

Joel: Yeah, I stayed up late setting up my invention and I need some
shut eye....Besides, the Mads still have to push the button....

Tom: Let's just get out of here guys....

* * *

DEEP 13

"There's no two ways about it Frank....I'm going to have to
slice off your love handles...."

Frank cowered away in fear. "Wait, Dr. F! Can't you just
perform liposuction?!?"

"Sorry, Frank. This show has a set budget and if I exceed
that, I don't get my annual bonus." Dr. Forrester replied as he advanced
on his assistant with a pair of rusty safety scissors.

"B....But, think of the mess!" Frank yelped.

Dr. Forrester paused. "You have a point there. Go find some
newspapers to lay on the floor and when you pass the control panel, push
the button."

"Yes, sir." Frank replied sadly as he walked over to the recycle
bin, giving the button a low five along the way....

THE REAL END.

(Feel free to hum the closing theme as you read my author's notes.)

Thus ends my fifth MSTing. Sorry I took so long to get this one done.

I'd like to once again give very special thanks to Jeffrey "Oneshot" Wong,
whom, without his help and C&C, I wouldn't have been able to finish
this MSTing. He took time out to help me and I can't thank him enough.
Likewise, I'd like to thank Keener for his early input as well. Be sure to
check out the fanfics of both these talented authors.

I'd also like to thank Timothy McLees, Luna and Artemis, Chris
Bergstrom and Jay Dee Archer (Jupiter Knight) for being nice enough
to post my MSTings on their webpages. If there's anyone else I
missed, I apologize.

Finally I'd like to thank M. Llave for writing "The War" and giving me
a lot of material to work with. I hope you're not too offended. If you are,
feel free to MST my own works, I won't mind a bit.

C&C, as always, is appreciated. (fca...@yesic.com) Feel free to
send in any anime fanfic that you would like to see MSTed and I'll take
a look at it. Also, if you're interested in seeing any previous episodes
of this series, I'll be happy to e-mail them to you. ;)

Sincerely,

Megane 6.7

Tenchi's Vault of Anime MSTings
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Temple/4007/MSTings.html

(Home of my MSTings and the MSTings of many other talented authors.)

The Official Homepage of Jeffrey "Oneshot" Wong
http://www.isc.rit.edu/~jkw7063/fanfic/#sailor moon

(Author of the popular "Usagi's Usual Morning" series and a great human being.)

100% Anime Fanfiction
http://www.smoky.org/~cberg/fanfics/

(216 fanfics and going strong. Be sure to check out the Review page!)

Jupiter Knight's Great Sailor Moon Fanfic Archive
http://www.dragonfire.net/~JupiterKnight/fanfics.htm

(A great source of Sailor Moon Fanfics.)

Zen's Fanfiction Page
http://www.mindspring.com/~databank/fanfics.html

(One of the most controversial fanfic writers today and one of my favorites.)

The New Luna and Artemis Central Command
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/9897/

(The source of most of my MSTings and updated weekly with new fics.)

Oscar's Sailormoon Z and Hentai Fanfics, Archive Page
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Flats/3272/

(Proceed at your own risk....)

"She knew that this might be her last moment on this earth, yet she knew
that all she had was her family and no one else. She bent her knees to
jump out under the table when… TOGGG!!!"

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations
are trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights
reserved.

Keep Circulating the Fanfics....

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