[MiSTied] AOL Posts part 1
Claye Hodge
you know the usual.. blah blah blah... e-mail CRH...@delphi.com Enjoy!
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[Beginning theme]
[@...2...3...4...5...6...{}...]
[SOL]
[Mike and Crow are hiding behind the desk. Both are wearing helments. Mike
has a pistol, Crow has a bazooka. Mike looks up to Cambot.]
MIKE:[quietly] Oh! Hi everybody. As you well know, the craze of the computer
world is the virtual combat game, Doom II. Well the bots came to me
with an idea of playing it real life, except of course we're using fake
weapons that the bots found... [To Crow.] Crow.. these weapons ARE
fake, aren't they?
CROW:[quietly] Yes, they're safe.
MIKE:[same] By the way, you never told me where you found them.
CROW:[same] I found them in a box marked "IN CASE OF ALIEN ATTACK".
MIKE: Oh.. [gives a confused look.] Hey, isn't that Servo, over there?
[Cambot moves backwards and turns left to get Tom into the screen, who is
holding a shotgun.]
CROW: Why yes it is... You dIE JOE!!! [Crow fires the bazooka.]
BOOM!! [Servo explodes. Pieces of him fly everywhere. Cambot returns to the
normal view.]]
CROW: [normal voice] Oops. That wasn't supposed to happen.
GYPSY:[off-screen] HI-KEEBA! [Sound of a chainsaw running.]
MIKE: GYPSY! NO, DON'T!
[Gypsy comes on screen with a chainsaw in her mouth, charges Crow, both go
behind desk off-screen. Crow's arm flies up in the air. Commercial sign
light flashes.]
GYPSY: Ut Oh, I broke him. [Chainsaw stops.]
MIKE: Oh BOY... We'll be right back..[A few pieces of Servo fall on the
desk.] I HOPE. [Mike taps commercial sign light.]
[Commercials]
[Tom's parts are scattered on the table. Crow is wearing an arm bandage, as
well as other bandages. Mike and Gypsy are the only ones unharmed. Mike is
looking at a sheet of paper.]
CROW: Maybe that WASN'T such a good idea, after all...
GYPSY: Uh huh.
MIKE: Yeah, well.. It's a good thing that the "other guy" left schematics
of you bots.
CROW: But, you don't know how to fix robots.
MIKE:[trying to read.] I'm learning, I'm LEARNING. [Mads light flashes.]
CROW: Uh.. the Mad Scientists are calling.
MIKE: [Sigh] Ok. Hi Sirs, go ahead while I try to patch up Tom. [Taps Mads
light.]
TOM:[his mouthpiece] I'll need more than just a patch up.
[D13]
DR.F: Ah, Mitch Nielson.. I see your bots are blowing up, more and more
everyday.. eh? There may be hope for you after all... Ahem. On with
today's experiment. Remember Deep Hurting??
[SOL]
[Parts of Tom are together, but not all of him.]
MIKE: Actually, no I don't.
CROW: I do.
[D13]
DR.F: Remember Fire Maidens From Outer Space?? Remember Manos??
[SOL]
[Tom is together halfway.]
MIKE: No... and... no.
TOM: We do, Mike. Now would ya finish putting me together, already?
[D13]
DR.F: Remember Hypno Helio Static Stasis, Mike? Remember Wild World of
Batwoman??? Remember..
[Frank walks on screen.]
FRANK:[To Dr.F] Uh Clay, I think they get the point.
DR.F: Oh. Yes, of course Frank. This week's experiment is all of those
movies combined and multiplied three times!! Yes! Three posts equal
three times the terror. The small size of these three posts don't
make up for the utter horror.. the complete LUNACY that reaks in
all three posts! All three posts will have you lurching in the aisles.
[evil chuckle] They will have you BEGGING for mercy. [evil laugh]
These posts will have you ripping your neighbors arms out and slapping
yourself with them.. LITERALLY! Send'em the posts, Frank! [Evil Laugh]
FRANK:[quietly to screen] Be very afraid. [Frank pushes the button.]
[SOL]
[Lights flashing, etc..]
TOM: I don't like the sound of this, and Mike.. Why is my engine block fixed
to my head?
MIKE: Dooohhh.. I'll fix it on the way to the theater... COME ON!!
ALL: WE'VE GOT POST SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGN!!!!!!!!
[{}...6...5...4...3...2...@]
[Mike and the bots enter the theater. Mike sits Tom down.]
>Path: news1.delphi.com!news.delphi.com!uunet!in1.uu.net!newstf01.news.aol
MIKE: Okay guys.. take a deep breath. [Everybody takes a deep breath.]
TOM: Umm.. Mike, my head?
MIKE: Oh, sorry. [Mike takes Tom's engine block off of his head and sticks
it on his chest.
TOM: Thank you.
>.com!newsbf02.news.aol.com!not-for-mail
TOM: Not for public use, either.
>From: rjt...@aol.com (RJToth)
>Newsgroups: alt.slack
CROW: America Online and alt.slack were DEFINITELY made for each other.
>Subject: Farewell to the Master
MIKE: NoW tHaT He'S gOnE, ThE wIvEs WiLl hAvE To lOvE Me, nOw...
TOM: Mike. Please, don't do that.
MIKE: What???
>Date: 20 Feb 1995 21:44:52 -0500
>Organization: America Online, Inc. (1-800-827-6364)
MIKE: Organization and America Online in the same sentence? I don't think
so.
>Lines: 50
>Sender: ro...@newsbf02.news.aol.com
>Message-ID: <3ibk34$r...@newsbf02.news.aol.com>
>Reply-To: rjt...@aol.com (RJToth)
CROW: Gladly. Heh heh hehhhh...
>NNTP-Posting-Host: newsbf02.mail.aol.com
>
>This is dedicated to a gent who, for my money, symbolizes the divine
>mystery at the heart of the SubG religion better than anyone---
TOM: Jimmy Swaggart?
>Uncanonized Saint, Renegade Pope, Malcontent Messiah Colin Ferguson.
ALL: Doh!
>
>This isn't some suck-serial-killer-cock spiel. When I heard the news about
>C.F.'s rampage, I realized that there was a good chance that a couple of
>my family members had been on that train and could very well be dead.
CROW:[Toth] I wish I was on that train.
TOM: That was TOO dark, even for you, Crow.
> The
>murders were horrible, but this guy is just too big to ignore.
MIKE: Especially if you have something to say about it. Which you will, of
course.
>
>To make sense of the fact that HE WENT NUTS---absolutely apeshit---
TOM: That's what I call this post.
> he wove
>an incredible tapestry of bulldada that was the veritable "Big Lie" that
>Hitler--or was it lincoln? I can't remember--spoke of. CIA microchips in
>his head,
CROW: I don't think that's the correct term for metal plates.
> doppleganger assassins who had the same name as him, even
MIKE: John JacobJingleHeimerSchmidt?
>numerology. Toss in a psychic and an exorcist for good measure.
TOM: Call the Psychic Friends Network NOW!
>
>And the incredible thing? It JUST MIGHT BE TRUE.
CROW: Oh, that you're an idiot?
> The CIA has done grislier
>things than brainwashing.
MIKE: You just can't scan alt.slack these days, without finding the word
brainwashing in the first few posts.
> (Microchips might be a bit much--but that's just
>details.) Doubles, clones--not beyond the realm of scientific or
>statistical possibility.
TOM: I didn't know the Doublemint Twins were involved in all of this.
> Psychics, exorcists--who knows? And maybe someone
>did wrestle that gun out of his hands and turn that train into a
>slaughterhouse.
CROW: Yeah, Godzilla did it in _Godzilla VS Megalon_.
TOM: I thought that was _Black Scorpion_.
MIKE: Could've fooled me.. I thought Mikey did it in _Teenage Strangler_.
BOTS: HUH?
> Again, there have been bigger improbabilities, higher
>weirdnesses.
CROW: Gallagher.
>
>To me, that's the SubGenius religion. STRANGER THINGS HAVE HAPPENED.
TOM: Oh, like you getting net access.
>Imagining the most exotic possibilities may lead you to a dead end
>twenty-two times out of twenty-three, but the payoff on that last one is
>usually a motherfucker.
MIKE: Ohhh.. Dr. F could have at least edited it.
TOM: So does this count as the twenty-third post we've read so far?
>
>It was said of Philip K. Dick, another brilliant fuckup, and I think it
TOM: Does Dr. F even know the word EDIT?
>applies to C.F. beautifully: "To him, the Martians are always landing."
TOM:[Martin the Martian] I claim this human in the name of Mars.
>(In fact, it's easy to imagine old Colin busting into PKD's filing
>cabinet...) Life is always bizarre.
CROW: YOU'RE bizarre.
> The problem is, you have to be nuts to
>get the effect. The Church of the SubGenius is a substitute for going
>crazy.
TOM: Obviously you're a member.
>
>So au revoir, Colin. Good luck in the Big House. I wouldn't want to meet
>you in dark alley if I wasn't armed, but I could say the same about "BOB."
CROW: I'd be happy if those two met.
>In a world where supposedly hip techies have to write ":-)" at the end of
>a joke to let people know what they "really" meant, C.F.'s gallows humor
>is a refreshing breath of putrid air.
TOM: No, that was me.. Sorry.
>
>And the punchline? The death penalty returns to New York! Wag your fingers
>at him and curse him
MIKE: You're a naughty puppy. Bad puppy, bad puppy.
> ---then fry his ass! Go ahead! It'll make you feel
>better! It'll keep you from blowing away the person next to you on the
>train tonight.
CROW: Unless that person is you.
> And what's a few criminals compared to really good
>catharsis?
>
>See you on the battlements.
TOM: I hope not.
>
>the Rev. Rob
MIKE: Round One is over.. Let's take a breather. [Mike picks up Tom and all
three leave the theater.]
TOM:[Quietly] Mind Control... Micro-Chips.. Hmmm...
MIKE: Did you say something, Tom?
TOM: Huh? OH! Uh.. No, nope! Didn't say a word! Hehehe..
[@...2...3...4...5...6...{}...]
[SOL]
[Mike is sitting in a chair, unconscious. Tom is behind him working on
something.]
TOM:[To himself] Okay.. connect these two wires... hook up with the brain..
mind control... Ah, there! [Crow walks in.]
CROW: Oh, hi Tom...[looks at Mike.] HUH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING???
TOM:[Startled] AH! Oh! Uhhh.. nothing.. Hehe.. Just a little experiment.
CROW: Oohhh. Let me see. [Crow leans to look at the back of Mike.] Oh, I see
now.. HEY! THAT'S A MICRO-CH...[We see Tom hit Crow on the head with
a hammer. Crow falls down.]
TOM: And now for YOUR TURN!! HAHAHA!! They ALL will obey ME! Tom Servo,
leader of the Satellite of Love! HAHAHA!!!
[Commercials]
[Mike and the bots enter the theater. Mike puts Tom down.]
MIKE: I have a splitting headache.
CROW: So do I.
TOM: Uh.. maybe it's the post.
>Path: news1.delphi.com!news.delphi.com!uunet!newstf01.news.aol.com!newsbf02
>.news.aol.com!not-for-mail
MIKE: Oh boy. Round Two, everybody.. Remember, duck and cover.
>From: atla...@aol.com (ATLANFORM)
>Newsgroups: alt.slack
TOM:[announcer] America Online II: Slacking Again.
>Subject: hy87y7786y89y8oih9op8i
MIKE:[singing] H.. Y.. 7.. I.. O.. 8.. alt.slack has the very best...
CROW:[low voice, singing] Net Kooooooooooooks.
>Date: 27 Feb 1995 00:22:43 -0500
>Organization: America Online, Inc. (1-800-827-6364)
>Lines: 39
TOM: Well, at least this one is shorter.
>Sender: ro...@newsbf02.news.aol.com
>Message-ID: <3irnj3$4...@newsbf02.news.aol.com>
>Reply-To: atla...@aol.com (ATLANFORM)
CROW: With what? Make Money Fast? Flames? Spam?
>NNTP-Posting-Host: newsbf02.mail.aol.com
>
>Howdy All,
TOM: YEEEEEEEEEE-HA!
>
>I work for a Mr. Kurt Saxon, the famous (infamous?) author/compiler of the
>"Poor Man's James Bond" series of improvised weaponry books.
CROW:[sarcastic] OHHH, is the GREAT Kurt Saxon going to grace us with his
presence in this post???
>
>There are currently 4 volumes in this series. Vol. #1 is currently the
>standard to which all other "mayhem manuals" are to be judged.
MIKE: I give it a seven.
CROW: I give it a nine.
TOM: I give it a four, it had no style.
> I would
>suggest that anyone who is afraid of future gun confiscation ought to have
>a set of these tombs.
CROW: So we can bury you in them?
>
>With the knowledge contained in these books all anyone would need to arm
>themselves to the teeth, is access to a hardware store &/or a supermarket.
TOM:[Announcer] And with these easy steps.. You too, can become MacGYVER!!
>
>About the only chemical I beleive a person should have on hand right away,
>before "the powers that be" can decide on how potentially noughty a person
>can be with it is
MIKE:Spacom.
> iodine crystals. (See the ANTI production articles in
>P.M.J.B. VOL.#1)
>
>I would also suggest that anyone wanting to build one of the simplest &
>devestating
TOM: DeVESTating???
> incendiary devices ever designed by the mind of man, look at
>Kurt's video tape "The P.M.J.B. Strikes Again". This tape along with the
>1st in the series, "The P.M.J.B. Greets The Rusians" are just the ticket
CROW: I know what made Atlanform mad. He didn't pass the 1st grade. You
can tell it in his spelling.
>to send all of your liberal friends running away screaming into the night.
TOM: But I don't have any friends.
>
>These 2 tapes will give you a 120 minutes of the most delightfully
>dreadful dirty tricks imaginable.
ALL: Learning the English language.
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Claye Hodge
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