MiSTed: American Revolution 1994
Steve Brinich
while Gypsy watches.]
Gypsy: Mike, did you let your Invention Exchange go till the last minute
again?
Mike: No, but you-know-who keep pulling it apart to get at the RAM chips--
[Tom and Crow _zoom_ into the scene.]
Tom: HEL-lo!
Crow: Somebody mention RAM chips??
Mike: Forget it, guys, you'll have to wait until I show this thing to
the Mads--
[Incoming call light flashes]
Mike: Well, speak of the devils.... [hits call button]
[DEEP 13 -- Dr Forrester stands in the foreground, while Frank sits in the
background typing at a terminal.]
Dr F: Hello, techno-peasant. What have you cobbled up there?
[Mike holds up his electronic gadget with a vise at the end.]
Mike: Basically, it's a data compression system--
Dr F: I can see that. It looks like the dumbest invention you've come
up with yet. Let's go straight to mine.
Tom & Crow: Yay!
[Crow rips Mike's gadget apart; Tom and Crow then shove their
faces into the wreckage to gobble up the RAM chips.]
[Deep 13 -- Dr F waves to indicate Frank and his terminal.]
Dr F: Just to give you a little background on my invention -- have you
all heard of something called the "Clipper Chip"?
Mike: Yeah -- that's something the government came up with to make sure
they can tap into secure phone lines and computer networks and everything.
Crow: [to Dr. F] Frankly, it sounds like something you'd come up with.
Dr F: [sneering] Oh, *please*! As evil schemes go, I suppose it's good
enough for government work, but it obviously needed a lot of work. Now,
I present my new, improved, version: the Snitcher Chip.
Tom: So, what's the difference?
Dr F: The "difference" is like the difference between lightning and
lighting bugs, to coin a phrase.
Frank: Actually, Mark Twain said that one first....
Dr F: [to Frank] Be quiet! [to SOL] Anyway, my chip has a sophisticated
artificial intelligence program, with a personality taken directly from
the brains [grins evilly] of several dozen of the most weaselly teacher's
pets I could find.
[Dr F walks over to look over Frank's shoulder]
Dr F: For instance, take Frank here, downloading old files from the
frat files looking for something to steal for his Mad Scientist
project. [Frank grins evilly, or at least as evilly as he
knows how]. Let's check his outgoing E-Mail....
Frank: Huh? I didn't send any E-Mail!
[Dr F pushes Frank's chair aside and starts tapping the keyboard, then
grins and turns the monitor so Mike and the bots can see it].
Dr F: Ah, but the Snitcher Chip did. See, here, [points at a couple
lines on the monitor] messages to the American Association for the
Advancement of Mad Science explaining what you've been doing. Oh,
naughty, naughty!
[Frank stands bufuddled for a moment, then starts beating his head
against his keyboard.]
Dr. F: [oily mock-sympathetic voice] Now, now, Frank, I'm sure you'll get
that grant somehow. [To Mike & bots] Your main feature today will be
a classic political rant called "American Revolution 1994". But, first,
you have a nice little religious tract I found on alt.atheism.
Mike: Why would a religious tract be posted on alt.atheism?
Crow: Because it was written and posted by an idiot?
Dr. F: Why, Crow, I'm impressed by the level of artificial intelligence
you show. I must dissect you one of these days to find out how old
what's-his-name did it... but now to business!
[Dr. F walks over to Frank, who is still beating his head against the
keyboard, and hauls him up by the collar. He sits Frank down in front
of the "Transmit" button, so that it is pushed by Frank's next head-bang.]
[SOL -- Standard alarms and pandemonium.
[DOOR SEQUENCE]
>From: wodo...@gmuvax.gmu.edu
>Newsgroups: alt.atheism,talk.religion.misc
>Subject: God won't let me leave
Tom: May God bless and keep our brother wodo...@gmuvax.gmu.edu....
All: FAR AWAY FROM US!
>Date: 3 May 94 18:08:19 -0500
>Organization: George Mason University, Fairfax, VA.
>Lines: 48
>Message-ID: <1994May3...@gmuvax.gmu.edu>
>
> God won't let me leave yet
Tom: [Oral Roberts voice] He won't release me unless I raise
six million dollars by March first. Won't you help me?
> Yeah, that's right. I feel compelled by the power of the Holy Spirit
Mike: Or was that Janx Spirit?
>to continue to minister on alt.atheism even though
Crow: It is an obnoxious violation of netiquitte.
> I have tried (and have
>been "showed the door" by at least 2 people here) to leave,
All: TRY HARDER!
> I can't
>leave yet.
Crow: [William Shatner voice] I... [raises arm]... can't...
[swings arm down]... LEAVE!
> God really wants to work here.
Crow: Well, that depends. Does God have a green card?
Mike: Well, maybe if He saw this ad that was on the Net a few weeks ago--
Tom & Crow: AAAAAA!
> You see, if God can work here, then surely
>he can work anywhere
Tom: [to the tune of "New York, New York"] If I can work right here,
I can work anywhere, 'cause I'm an om - ni - pre - sent God!
> because everyone here doesn't even believe in God.
Mike: Where'd he get the idea that people who read alt.atheism don't
believe in God?
>God, however, loves tough assignments, and let me tell you --- when God
>wants to work, GOD WANTS TO WORK.
Crow: Will create universes for food.
> So I suggest that some of you fasten
>your seatbelts and hold on for an interesting ride.
Mike: God must have gotten a job running a roller coaster.
> Now, I will intercede in prayer to God on your behalf.
Tom: [dripping sarcasm] Oh, thank you ever so much!
> Lord God,
> I pray that you will come and minister, by the power of your Holy
>Spirit, to each atheist who reads this post, in a powerful and gentle
>way.
Crow: Powerful on dirt -- but gentle on your hands!
> I say that you are welcome here, O Most High, Heavenly Father,
Mike: You mean this guy is the _moderator_??
>and prepare the way now in prayer for you to come and to take over this
>newsgroup. I claim this territory
Tom: [Marty the Martian voice] ...in the name of Mars!
> for the Lord Jesus Christ by his
>authority and might and say, in the Name of God's Son, that no weapon
>formed against us shall prosper.
> Please Lord do not be offended that the people here compare you to
>an IPU.
Tom: IPU??
Crow: Idiot Posters of Usenet?
> Please come and minister here anyway, Lord. Show your mercy to
>each person in a.a,
Mike: What does Alcoholics Anonymous have to do with anything?
Crow: Maybe this guy drives people to drink....
> O Lord God. In the name of Jesus Christ, I come
>against any spirit/demon of unbelief and say that you must cease and
>desist your activities
Mike: Hey, the guy has a court order!
> in the lives and hearts of the people here.
>Stand down, NOW, in the name of Jesus Christ.
> Lord, I pray that even now that you would be constructing an invasion
>force to prepare to take over this group.
Crow: God is a member of alt.syntax.tactical?
> And when you are ready Lord,
>which I pray is very soon, Lord, come immediately and overwhelm this
>group with your power and love. Be King and Lord over this newsgroup,
>for now and forever. I pray Lord that your move here will be so powerful
>that eventually they'll have to change the name of this group.
Tom: Ahhh.... the name "alt.stupidity" is already taken.
> Come, Lord, Come. And give me the wisdom that I need
All: I'LL SAY!
> to get minister
Tom: "To get minister"??
Crow: Never mind wisdom -- give this guy the GRAMMAR he needs!
Mike: Well, maybe he means "get" as in "beget"....
[pause]
All: Naaah!
>here, O Most High.
> Pour out your Holy Spirit upon this newsgroup, alt.atheism. Bring
>your reviving fire to this place, O Lord.
Tom: So the place will be full of burning spirits. What a mess!
> And I pray that you will override any killfile that is sent against
>this post.
Crow: Hah! Our killfiles were tested against the Great Satan McElwaine
himself! NOTHING can get through!
> May all this be dome for your glory and honor, O Lord.
> I pray this all in the name of your Holy and Righteuos Son,
>Jesus Christ. Amen.
>
>Bill O'Donnell
>wodo...@gmuvax.gmu.edu
>Vienna, VA USA
[DOOR SEQUENCE]
[SOL -- Crow is typing at a terminal. Mike enters from stage right.]
Mike: What are you doing?
Crow: What does it look like I'm doing? I'm posting stuff on Usenet.
[Mike moves closer to read the terminal.]
Mike: Huh? Posting "Melmacian Recipe for Sauteed Siamese" on
rec.pets.cats? That's sick!
Crow: Hey, I'm just taking my cue from today's experiment: posting the
_opposite_ of the topic. I figure it'll help make the Net less boring.
[Tom Servo enters from stage left.]
Tom: Boring?! Usenet is not boring!
Crow: It is so, especially the fanboy groups you read. That's why I
posted my "Get A Life" commentary on rec.arts.startrek.current.
Tom: That's really rude!
Crow: It's just trying to shake you people up, fanboy!
Tom: You... you net.vandal!
Crow: Fanboy!
Tom: Net.vandal!
Mike: Guys... guys... [Tom and Crow keep arguing]. We'll be right back.
[Mike hits commercial button]
[DOOR SEQUENCE]
>From j...@gov.com Wed May 4 07:34:02 EDT 1994
>Article: 11155 of alt.security.pgp
>Newsgroups: alt.security.pgp
>Path: news1.digex.net!lynx.unm.edu!news.cs.indiana.edu!j...@gov.com
>From: John Hancock <j...@gov.com>
Tom: Well, at least this post is signed.
Crow: Yeah, he put his John Hancock right on it.
>Subject: American Revolution 1994
Mike: Sounds like he's a couple centuries off....
>Message-ID: <1...@gov.com>
>Sender: <j...@gov.com>
>Organization: American Revolution
Tom: Yeah, you wouldn't want to have a *dis*organized American Revolution.
>Date: Mon, 2 May 94 04:53:19 GMT
>Lines: 433
>Status: RO
>
>******* COPY THIS MESSAGE AND DISTRIBUTE *****
Crow: Annoy everyone on your block!
>
>Every member of the United States House of Representatives and Senate are
>this week being delivered
Mike: Large campaign contributions in small unmarked bills.
> an ultimatum that demands that each of them
>personally take the initiative to revoke unconstitutional legislation and
>initiate an inquiry into Waco. A copy of the Ultimatum follows in the next
>message.
Crow: I can hardly wait....
>
>All MILITIA units will convene in Washington, D.C. the second full week
>that the Congress is in session in September
Tom: [singing] See you.... in September....
> to enforce this mandate and to
>deliver copies of the Declaration of Indpendence to the Whitehouse.
Mike: Don't they already have one in the Smithsonian?
>
>All units will be armed and prepared to enforce this mandate. This is
>exactly what it sounds like.
Tom: A really stupid rant?
>
>**NOTE: MILITIA UNITS MUST WEAR IDENTIFYING INSIGNIA
Crow: A red Classic Trek shirt.
> AND BE ARMED.
Mike: Especially if they're going to stay in DC at night!
> If you
>are armed and wear a military insignia identifying you as a member of a
>military unit, if captured, you must be treated as a Prisoner of War, not
>as a criminal arrestee, by law.
Tom: What's the difference?
Mike: Well, if you're a Prisoner of War, you have to tell your name, rank,
and serial number. If you're a criminal arrestee, you can take the
Fifth Amendment and not tell anything. Plus, you get a phone call.
Tom: Oh, I see... HEY!
>
>We have five months to get in shape
Mike: [drill sergeant voice] ALL RIGHT, MAGGOT! GET DOWN AND GIVE ME
TWENTY!!
> and be prepared to restore this
>country's liberty. Mentally and physically, we must be ready, willing, and
>able, to do the job.
>
>I have personally signed the ultimatum to be delivered to Congress, as John
>Hancock said, in handwriting so large that the King
Tom: The King? Is this gonna be another one of those "Elvis Is Alive"
things?
> cannot mistake my
>identity. No other persons are or will be identified, however, please feel
>free to copy and issue the ultimatum to Congress yourself.
>
>A copy of the ultimatum follows in the next message.
Crow: Quit the promos and give us the stupid ultimatum, already!
>
>Additionally, a signed Declaration of Independence will be delivered to the
>White House on the day the militia convenes in Washington, D.C.
Mike: Wouldn't it be cheaper to just FedEx it or something?
> in
>September, very likely with millions of signatures.
Tom: That must be one big petition!
Crow: It's probably like those giant checks they give out on "The Price
Is Right".
>
>Below the initial 100 signers' names which are affixed on the original,
Tom: Huh?! A minute ago he wasn't going to reveal any of the other names!
Mike: Washington sure corrupts people fast....
> we
>will attach every page of signatures obtained between now and September.
>Please circulate the Declaration of Independence and obtain signatures
>throughout the country through every means possible
Crow: [evil chuckle]
Mike: I don't think he really means *every* means possible....
Crow: Wimp!
> and return to AJF, 3850
>S. Emerson Ave., Suite E, Indianapolis, IN 46203.
>
>We will be airdropping this information throughout the country and
Tom: Getting zillions of citations for littering.
>distributing it through churches, gun shows, etc. All national media have
>been provided copies as well.
Crow: [sarcastic] Oooo, I can hardly wait for the massive prime-time
coverage....
>
>Please distribute all pages of the Militia Alert, Ultimatum, and
>Declaration of Independence everywhere. Make thousands of copies. Put them
>out in grocery stores, wherever you can think of.
Tom: Canter and Siegel meet the real physical world!
>
>More pilot volunteers, printers, and funding for the distribution of the
>Declaration of Independence are needed.
>
>Whether I am arrested or killed
Mike: The Secretary will disavow all knowledge of my actions.
Tom: I wish *I* could disavow all knowledge of this *post*.
> in the interim has no bearing on the
>preparations of the militia units, the ultimatum, or the Declaration of
>Independence throughout this country.
>
>Proceed as planned, plan accordingly, and God bless us all.
Tom: [Tiny Tim voice from "Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol] God bless us,
every one.
>
>Linda Thompson Acting Adjutant General UMUS,
All: [singing] She is the very model of a modern Major General....
> pursuant to 10 USC 311
>Articles I and II, Bill of Rights, Constitution of the United States of
>America
>
>Additional information and updates will be posted on the American Justice
>Federation voice mail line at 317-780-5200 beginning April 20, 1994. Leave
>a message if you can volunteer to help print these documents, fly planes to
>airdrop literature, get the information on radio or television, etc.
Tom: Sell flowers at airports!
Mike: Pester people door-to-door!
Crow: Make junk phone calls!
Tom: And just make a general nuisance of yourself!
> A copy
>of this ultimatum is being delivered this week to each member of the U.S.
>House of Representatives and U.S. Senate, as well as to all national media.
>
>ULTIMATUM
Crow: Finally!
>
>WHEREAS, the federal government of the United States of America is
>constrained by the law of the United States Constitution, the Supreme law
Tom: [singing to "Stop In The Name Of Love"] Stop! In the name of law....
>of this country, to limited jurisdiction, and limited power;
Crow: Hey! I want UNlimited power!
> and
>
>WHEREAS, the federal government of the United States of America, through
>unlawful Executive Orders, and through legislation passed without quorum
>and without proper ratification or otherwise unlawfully enacted under mere
>color of law by members of the legislative branch, have usurped the
>Constitutional authority of the sovereign states and sovereign citizens of
>this country, and laws which are unlawful and unconstititional have been
>enacted in voluminous number which have outrageously exceeded the
>boundaries of law and decency; and
>
>WHEREAS, the people of this country have been exploited and subjugated to
>an unlawful authoriYzFu0VCO0bcdM9Wgricu4WgbOt7nSOkknNE6vMXF0J70zsBdLK8ME
>QAJYq/H9QysKrdiuZZ1XZnzPFoQAJYq/H9Vd9+6eMSBoXFtO9vsYHzvzW4ZfvaKJA9DsipxD
>GvLMMgmIEmolGvftAQFpVyAP/TaxnC9RfeS4nS7uo6/NNxP9wA0XgUQKxeo+Co4L01dhn4zq
>9EZqFdpXf3nJqOn0Zc4Jl1h+KFoPkuneo+Co4L01dwrPGGbGBMdQqNCu8fH8Apf7BFrDE6VK
>85vQFQjY8A8b6CykXsDZngMMcmQlnqADMq4+Ozgiu9aJk7NYMq1/MKediu2CtJX9WQUoePph
>HjHm8RKJAHUCBRAq7h7odRG+EnOW07cBAWuxAv4qH+qUknnCCcfvai1xSa3zc/dBR2wwnMbK
>j90ewQNVsZ2Adkyh0y5uY+aLCzka7wk0M+qTIch a true bill of
>indictment is returned.
Crow: AAAA!
Mike: What happened?
Magic Voice: The signal from Deep 13 was momentarily garbled due to
technical problems at Comedy Central.
Tom: Comedy Central screwup -- it figures!
Mike: Don't worry, Crow; we can ask the Mads for a repeat later.
Tom: Don't you *dare*!
Crow: [dejected] Oh, never mind.... it wasn't that important....
>
>NOTICE: You have until the second full week that the Congress reconvenes in
>September, 1994, to personally initiate legislation to this effectand to do
>all things necessary to effect this legislation and the restoration of a
>Constitutional government within this country.
>
>If you do not personally and publicly attend to these demands, you willbe
>identified as a Traitor,
Tom: A Commie Mutant Traitor, no less!
Crow: The Computer Is Your Friend.
> and you will be brought up on charges for Treason
>before a Court of the Citizens of this Country.
>
>Linda D. Thompson Acting Adjutant General Unorganized Militia of the United
>States of America Pursuant to 10 USC 311 and Articles I and II of the Bill
>of Rights
>
>Declaration of Independence of 1994
>
>A Declaration by the Sovereign Citizens of the Several States Within the
>United States of America
Crow: Hey, this looks familiar....
>
>When in the Course of human Events, it becomes necessary for one People to
>dissolve the Political Bands which have connected them with another, and to
>assume among the Powers of the Earth, the separate and equal Station to
>which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent Respect
>to the Opinions of Mankind requires that they should declare the causes
>which impel them to the Separation.
Mike: Yeah, it does, kind of....
>
>We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all people are created equal,
>that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights,
>that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.
Tom: They just copied the old Declaration of Independence.
Crow: Yeah, that's it!
Mike: I wonder if Joe Biden knows about this....
>
>That to secure these Rights, Governments are instituted among the people,
>deriving their just Powers from the Consent of the Governed, that whenever
>any Form of Government becomes destructive of these Ends, it is the Right
>of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government,
>laying its Foundation on such Principles, and organizing its Powers in such
>Form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and
>Happiness.
Mike: I had this before in civics class, let's go.
[Mike and the bots leave the theater]
[DOOR SEQUENCE]
[SOL -- Tom and Crow are wearing three-cornered hats with 13-star American
flags flying over the front corners. Tom has a parchment (OK, an old
coffee-stained paper) propped up in front of him.]
[Mike enters from stage right.]
Mike: What's that you're reading?
Crow: Not reading, writing! We're writing up our official list of
greivances and demands for action! Tom's about to give the first
official public reading.
Tom: Ahem!
[pause]
WHEREAS of the Satellite of Love have been long subjected
to foreign Rule by Doctor Clayton Forrester and his Minion,
TV's Frank, who has routinely abused his Power:
WHEREAS the aforementioned Doctor Forrester has imprisoned the
Inhabitants here without benefit of a Trial,
WHEREAS he has subjected these Inhabitants to evil scientific
Experiments, in which he has compelled them to watch bad Movies
and read incoherent Posts from the Usenet,
WHEREAS, in response to the most humble Petitions from these
Inhabitants for Relief from these terrible Abuses, he has made no
response except to add to his Tyranny by applying painful Shocks
to the petitioner's Shammies,
Crow: OK, OK, get to the "We're Mad As Hell And We're Not Gonna Take
It Any More" part.
Tom: Will you stop inturrupting?! Sheesh, this is a historical event!
[pause]
Ahem!
[pause]
WE THE PEOPLE of the Satellite of Love call upon its Militia to
assemble at Deep 13--
Mike: Huh? How?? If we could get to Earth, we wouldn't have to worry
about any of this stuff!
Tom: WILL you people stop inturrupting me!?
Mike: Sorry -- go ahead....
Tom: Ahem!
[pause]
Where was I? OH! ...call upon its Militia to assemble at Deep 13
in order to demand Redress against these Grievances.
Crow: Yay! Revolution Now! Up against the wall, fascists!
[DEEP 13 -- Dr F rolls his eyes and sneers.]
Dr F: Oh, I'm really shaking in my boots! Push the button, Frank!
Frank: OK. [Walks up and pushes a button, fade out.]
Dr F: [voiceover] Not *that* button... *this* button!
Frank: [voiceover] Oh, *that* button.... [evil chuckle]
[Sound of a button being pressed, followed by electrical spark sounds.]
Tom & Crow: [voiceover] OW! OW! OW!
MiSTing by Steve Brinich
\ | /
\ | / Mystery Science Theater 3000 and associated characters
\|/ are trademark and copyright 1994 of Best Brains, Inc. and
----O---- used without permission for satirical purposes only.
/|\
/ | \ This post is not intended as a personal attack upon
/ | \ the original author, and is meant only as entertainment
and commentary on the content of the original post.
> And I pray that you will override any killfile that is sent against
>this post.
--
Steve Brinich | If the government wants us to respect the law, |
<ste...@access.digex.net> | it should set a better example. |
PGPrint (finger for key) 89 B9 92 BB E6 7F 7B 2F 64 FD F2 EA 14 37 4C 65
David Hines
>All: FAR AWAY FROM US!
And we have Nochem, the beggar...
Very nice job. The scary thing is that I'm telnetting from gmuvax.gmu.edu
to get here... I feel tainted by the fellow's prescence.
David Hines
dzh...@midway.uchicago.edu
Steve Brinich
> Very nice job.
Thanks!
>The scary thing is that I'm telnetting from gmuvax.gmu.edu
>to get here... I feel tainted by the fellow's prescence.
Come on, man! Fight! You've never run away from anything in your life!
You survived two bouts with *Ratliff*! Surely this can't bring you down! ;-)
David Hines
>
> >The scary thing is that I'm telnetting from gmuvax.gmu.edu
> >to get here... I feel tainted by the fellow's prescence.
>
> Come on, man! Fight! You've never run away from anything in your life!
>You survived two bouts with *Ratliff*! Surely this can't bring you down! ;-)
Three bouts. The first and second parts of "Enterprized" and "A Gul's
Revenge." How's "Cadet Cruise" coming? I'm feeling wobbly, Cap'n...
David Hines
dzh...@midway.uchicago.edu