MSTed: "Treklander", parts 9-15 [2/2]
Petrea Mitchell
[MSTH set, and "Jack Perkins" is there, standing like a statue. Unfor-
tunately, he starts moving when the theme ends.]
PERKINS: Hello. Welcome once again. Tonight, we at last see the end of
"Treklander". Or is it?
"Embassador Duncan MacLoud" is on a peacekeeping mission on the
planet Clari III. Meanwhile, in a completely different story,
his arch-enemy, Sancho Marin, is commanding a ship full of
Clarians in a pitched battle with the Enterprise. On the Enter-
prise, Captain Picard and Commander Riker have been knocked
out, leaving Data to command the ship. He gives orders for the
ship to split up, sending the saucer section out of the story.
Will Marin and his unnamed ship get the better of Data and half
the Enterprise? Will "MacLoud" ever have a meaningful relation-
ship with his girlfriend, Ensign Cathaway? And will we be trea-
ted to any more flashbacks to the Alamo? Stay tuned!
[roll theme v1.1]
[It's Comedy Central's new fall season in July! Unless it gets delayed
'til August.]
>
> Path: newserv.ksu.ksu.edu!moe.ksu.ksu.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!howland.
[Joel and the 'bots walk in, still dressed the way they were at the end
of the last segment. Joel takes the "Feet of Fate" robe off before sit-
ting down. Presumably he had his jumpsuit on under the robe, but in Sha-
dowramma, one can never quite tell...]
> reston.ans.net!cs.utexas.edu!uunet!mozz.unh.edu!christa.unh.edu!jfm
[Joel takes the Spock ears off of Crow's head, and the judicial wig off
of Servo's.]
> From: j...@christa.unh.edu (John F Moore)
> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
> Subject: Treklander, Part 11
> Organization: University of New Hampshire - Durham, NH
> Lines: 40
SERVO: 40 lines too many.
> Message-ID: <2o5enc$h...@mozz.unh.edu>
> NNTP-Posting-Host: christa.unh.edu
>
> (There can be only one...These are the voyages...)
[Crow sighs.]
>
> T R E K L A N D E R
[Servo sighs.]
>
> Copyright 1994 John F. Moore III
[Joel makes the "c'mon, keep it moving" gesture.]
>
> Part 11
>
> Data and his bridge crew sat ready on the Battle Bridge.
CROW: That's a change.
> Each of
> them
> knew this was for real. The slightest mistake could cost them the
> lives
> of everyone in the drive section.
JOEL: Whoops, I dropped my coffee-- BLAM!
> `Troi to Data. We're ready to separate.'
SERVO: After all we've meant to each other? <sniff> What about the kids?
> "Commense separation maneuver Counsellor," Data said.
JOEL: Now that we have the property and joint custody deal taken care
of.
> As the saucer section sped away,
CROW: [dripping sarcasm] Wow, I guess that scene *really* strained the
special effects budget of this *fanfic*!
> Data said,
JOEL: All right! We ditched 'em!
> "helm, set course back
> to
> Clari III, best possible speed."
> "Course laid in and engaged, sir."
SERVO: You know, those Clarians are pretty polite, just sitting there
waiting for the Enterprise to get its act together.
> "Go to red alert, Mr. Kaal."
JOEL: I thought they already had?
CROW: I'm pretty sure they had.
SERVO: It's a minor point at this stage, guys.
>
> Duncan was worried. The Enterprise had not acknowledged his check-
> in
> for over two hours. He hoped nothing had gone wrong,
JOEL: Naah, somebody probably just turned the clock an hour the wrong
way for Daylight Savings Time.
> but when dealing
> with an Immortal one could never tell.
> Julia walked up to him. "The Enterprise is capable of handling
> itself,
> you know.
CROW: I thought they gave up on that idea way back in the original ser-
ies, after the M-5 thing didn't work out.
SERVO: Geez, such a fanboy....
CROW: Am not.
SERVO: Are too.
JOEL: C'mon, cut it out.
> She doesn't need you to worry about her."
JOEL: I think I'd be worried when a ship has a sex change in the space
of two sentences.
> "If it was just Marin we were dealing with I'd agree with you, but
> he
> has followers and I'm not sure what kind of resources they have.
CROW: Am not.
JOEL: Shhh.
> They may
> be able to obtain something that could destroy the Enterprise."
SERVO: [becoming hysterical] They're dealing with a species that's con-
fined to one planet except for the one ship and they're worried
about the Enterprise being destroyed? I know there's no chance of
seeing any more continuity, but is a little perspective too much
to ask for? [breaks down and sobs into Joel's shoulder briefly]
> "At least the talks are almost over. Personally, I think Richie and
> Lt.
> Dijar are going stir-crazy
JOEL: The wacky comedy with Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder!
> waiting for something to happen."
>
> "Damage control reports impulse power restored...shields up to full
> power."
CROW: What? Who said that? Where are we?
> "Thank you, Mr. Kaal. Estimated time to Clari III?"
SERVO: How about estimated time to the end of this story?
JOEL: Too long.
> "Estimating 4 hours, 23 minutes, sir."
> "I only hope we will not be too late..."
>
>
> --
> **********************************************************************
> *******
CROW: Hey, that was a pretty short episode. Maybe they'll all be like
this!
JOEL: Bite your tongue, my little one, lest the bad spirits hear and
send us a 950-line magnum opus.
> Prince John III j...@christa.unh.edu
> Join the Government of New Atlantis...Email me today and ask
> how!
> "I Always Feel Like Somebody's Watching me" -- Rockwell
[All look back over their shoulders at Cambot.]
>
> Xref: agora alt.startrek.creative:8706
> Path: agora!pagesat.net!news.cerf.net!usc!cs.utexas.edu!math.ohio-
> state.edu!jussieu.fr!univ-lyon1.fr!swidir.switch.ch!newsfeed.ACO.net!
> Austria.EU.net!EU.net!uunet!mozz.unh.edu!christa.unh.edu!jfm
CROW: Around the world in 80 hops.
SERVO: [singing] I've been everywhere, man, I've been everywhere...
> From: j...@christa.unh.edu (John F Moore)
> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
> Subject: Treklander, part 12
> Organization: University of New Hampshire - Durham, NH
> Lines: 67
> Message-ID: <2q9lt1$j...@mozz.unh.edu>
> NNTP-Posting-Host: christa.unh.edu
>
> (There can be only one...These are the voyages...)
>
> T R E K L A N D E R
CROW: Why does he space the title out so much?
JOEL: It's just the thing for this spaced-out fanfic.
>
> Copyright 1994 John F. Moore III
>
> Part 12
>
> The drive section took an orbit around Clari III.
SERVO: And called its doctor in the morning.
> There was no sign
> of
> Sancho Marin's vessel.
> "Open a channel to the Away Team, Mr. Kaal."
> "Channel open, sir"
CROW: Whoops, dropped my period, sir. Sorry.
> "Enterprise to Away Team. Report please."
> *Enterprise, this is Ensign Cathaway. Where have you been?
JOEL: We just took the phone off the hook for a while.
> Is
> some-
> thing wrong up there?*
SERVO: Yeah, some joker's replaced all the quotation marks with Nathan
Hales!
> Data briefed the Away Team of the situation. *So Marin could return
> at
> any time, then?*
CROW: Yes, but we predict that he won't return until after rush hour.
> "I do not know. It would seem likely that he would return here to
> resume the hostilities again--"
JOEL: Who's talking?!
> Suddenly the drive section was rocked from a phaser blast.
> "Shields down to 54% sir!" Lt. Kaal announced. "Sensors indicate
> that
> they appeared briefly and cloaked again."
> "Find them, Mr. Kaal. Lt. Dhemn,
JOEL: Oh, dhemn!
SERVO: Heh.
> scan the area for somewhere where
> we
> might be able to... even the odds." Data mentally patted himself on
> the
> back for being able to use one of the phrases he picked up from
> Commander
> Riker.
JOEL: That's something to be proud of?
>
> "I do not understand your concern, MacLeod-Duncan," Drei-Fru said.
SERVO: I just don't see why you keep using your names in the wrong or-
der.
> "I
> have assured you that the Feuhl will not resume conflicts--"
> "But there is no way the Tyones could know that,"
CROW: [speaking slowly and evenly, as if about to lose his temper] Well,
maybe, you could *tell them*?
> Tu-Jar said for
> Duncan.
SERVO: [as Duncan] Oh, *may* you put words in my mouth?
> Duncan was worried. Not only did he need to worry about the peace
> talks
> breaking down, but he knew Marin would be back to have another go at
> either Richie, Julia, or himself, and he didn't need to have either
> delegate or Lt. Dijar endangered because of the three Immortals.
CROW: He didn't want to get beaten to the assassination.
SERVO: I wish someone'd assassinate him.
> "It's me Marin's after. He'll be back to finish the job. I'm
> going
> out there to provide him with a target besides the five of you--"
> "No way, Mac," Richie said. " I'm going with you. We're in this
> together."
JOEL: And how else am I going to get a line?
> "And if you think I'm letting you out of my sight for one minute,
> Duncan
> MacLeod, you've got another think coming!"
ALL: [singing] I hear a think a-coming, a-coming down the line.
CROW: Why don't they look?
SERVO: Huh?
> Duncan was touched by his friends' loyalty,
CROW: He was touched *long* before that.
> but only briefly as a
> band
> of Clarians burst into the shelter, phasers drawn.
SERVO: [deep alien voice] Cease your sketching, Klingon...
[Joel touches Servo's shoulder; Servo stops.]
>
> "I think I've found something, sir," Lt. Dhemn stated as another
> phaser
> burst rocked the drive section.
JOEL: [singing] Rock-a-bye section...
> "Shields down to 32%," Lt. Kaal announced.
> "Lay in a course, best possible speed," Data said calmly.
> "Course laid in, sir," Dhemn stated.
> "Engage."
CROW: Huh? But we're not even going steady!
> As the drive section sped toward Dhemn's "odds-evener", Data looked
> over Dhemn's shoulder.
> "All right, Lieutenant, show me what you have found."
SERVO: You mean he ordered the Enterprise to head toward something found
by some lieutenant without even knowing what it IS?!?
> Dhemn's panel screen lit up
JOEL: Is that an odds-evener registering on your panel screen, Lieuten-
ant, or are you just glad to see me?
> as he spoke.
SERVO: [Spock voice] The Mutara Nebula.
> "The Ydires Nebula.
SERVO: Well, close enough.
> If we
> reconfigure the sensor array to 5338 angstroms,
CROW: --and rewire the motohydraulic hyperspace abnormalizer, and add
just a teeny dash of salt...
JOEL: Don't you have to reverse the polarity of the neutron flow, too?
> we should be able to
> use
> the ionized particles of the nebula to track the vessel's exhaust
> trail,
> even if it's cloaked."
SERVO: Suppose they've got a catalytic converter?
> "Well done, Lt. Dhemn. Lt. Kaal, adjust the sensors accordingly.
> Time to
JOEL: Put on my dancing shoes!
> the nebula?"
> "Estimating twenty minutes at this speed," Dhemn announced.
>
>
> --
> **********************************************************************
> *******
CROW: See, what did I tell you? That was pretty short!
SERVO: It made "Highleaper" seem like a novel.
> Prince John III j...@christa.unh.edu
> Join the Government of New Atlantis...Email me today and ask
> how!
> "I Always Feel Like Somebody's Watching me" -- Rockwell
>
>
>
>
JOEL: No one will be admitted during the breathtaking Line Eater Food.
> Part 13
SERVO: Will not be seen tonight. Instead, we bring you the following
program that is in much better taste.
CROW: What, no fancy "There can be only one... these are the voyages..."
opening?
JOEL: I bet unh.edu is charging him by the word now.
>
> The Clarians attacked with a ferocity that Duncan had not seen in
> some
> time.
SERVO: Not for at *least* two or three installments.
JOEL: They're avenging jfm's brutal attack on science fiction.
> Prima Tu-Jar and Ryla Drei-Fru retreated to the sleeping
> chamber.
> Duncan, Richie, Julia, and Lt. Dijar had hidden behind crates and
> tables
> to shield them from the phaser fire.
CROW: Yeah, crates and tables will block phaser fire real good!
> "Just like the Alamo," Duncan mumbled.
> "Sir?" Dijar queried.
> "A similar situation I was in a long time ago," Duncan said,
> phasering
> one of the attackers.
SERVO: Yes, join the Federation Diplomatic Corps and enjoy hours of
wholesome conversation while casually offing new and unknown
lifeforms.
> Slowly, the number of attackers was dwindling, but how long did they
> have before their phasers ran dry?
[Joel and the 'bots look at each other.]
SERVO: I'm not touching that.
CROW: Me too.
JOEL: Me neither.
> The Enterprise rocked again as it entered the Ydires Nebula.
CROW: YEOW!
JOEL: As the audience is rocked by the sudden, unmarked change of venue.
CROW: It gave me whiplash! Owie owie owie...
> "Shields down to 16%. Sir, one more hit could penetrate the hull!"
JOEL: [Captain Kirk voice] I know now why they call a ship "she"!
> Data studied the viewscreen as he spoke. "I am well aware of that
> fact, Lieutenant. Any sign of the vessel?"
SERVO: [Spock voice] Captain, analysis of our opponent indicates two-di-
mensional thinking.
CROW: You mean the Clarians?
SERVO: No, the author.
> "I think I have something...
JOEL: ...that I picked up on my last shore leave.
> 036 mark 64, range 45,000 kilometers."
> "Lock phasers and fire!"
SERVO: Say, Data, do you usually fire on unidentified targets?
> The Enterprise's phasers connected and, for the first time, the battle
> bridge crew felt as if they had a chance of surviving.
> The away team stood victorious,
CROW: YOWCH!
> though their phasers were nearly
> drained.
JOEL: [relaxedly] Mmmmm.
SERVO: I'm gonna need a shower when this one's over.
> They managed to take a prisoner and find out where Marin was
> hiding.
JOEL: Huh? How'd they do that?
CROW: Wouldn't that be something he'd want to SHOW us?
> "I'm going after them," Duncan said.
> "Not without us," Richie stated.
> "Not this time, Richie," Duncan said. "I need you to guard the
> delegates and try to get them to safety. I'll contact you in 24
> hours.
> Grabbing the phaser with the most power,
CROW: [pitchman voice] The Blast-O-Matic 3000! Accept no substitutes!
> Duncan ran off after Sancho
> Marin.
JOEL: That's going to be a loooong run.
SERVO: Well, let's us run off now.
>
...o...2...3...4...5...6...G
[SoL bridge. Servo is still wearing the pink Spandex top, and Joel
(who is wearing his jumpsuit after all) is examining it. Crow is
intently watching something going on behind or under the counter.]
JOEL: It's no good, we'll have to cut this off. Come on.
[Servo whimpers as Joel carries him away. The sound of things being
shifted around emanates from behind or under the counter.]
CROW: So, Gypsy, whatcha doing?
GYPSY: I'm trying to get at this access panel.
CROW: Why?
GYPSY: Because I need to do some maintenance.
CROW: Why?
GYPSY: Because Joel programmed me to.
CROW: Why?
GYPSY: Because if no one did any maintenance, the ship would break down
and he'd die.
CROW: Why?
GYPSY: Richard Basehart!
CROW: You always say that when it's getting interesting.
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... commercial sign
now.
CROW: [looking up] Why?
GYPSY: We'll be right back.
CROW: Why?
[Mentos, Zima, and Neon. Why?!]
>
> Xref: agora alt.startrek.creative:8818
> Path: agora!pagesat.net!news.cerf.net!usc!howland.reston.ans.net!
> europa.eng.gtefsd.com!newsxfer.itd.umich.edu!uunet!mozz.unh.edu!
> christa.unh.edu!jfm
> From: j...@christa.unh.edu (John F Moore)
> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
> Subject: Treklander, part 14
JOEL: Yes, John F. Moore's fourteenth episode. He's having episodes e-
very day now!
SERVO: Ba dum ptshh!
> Organization: University of New Hampshire - Durham, NH
> Lines: 77
> Message-ID: <2r8dm1$a...@mozz.unh.edu>
> NNTP-Posting-Host: christa.unh.edu
>
> (There can be only one...These are the voyages...)
CROW: Aah, the snazzy opening montage is back.
>
> T R E K L A N D E R
>
> Copyright 1994 John F. Moore III
>
> Part 14
>
> The drive section exchanged blows with the Clarian craft for some
> time.
SERVO: Uselessnetter!
CROW: Compu$murf!
> The Enterprise, having already been weakened, was getting the worst of
> it.
> The ship rocked yet again.
CROW: [gleefully] They destroyed the Third Bridge!
SERVO: Ugh, I'm getting seasick, if that's possible in space.
> *Data,* Geordi called from Engineering, *the containment fields on
> the
> warp drive are collapsing! If Engineering takes another hit--*
JOEL: Our stash will be used up!
> "Understood Geordi. Do we still have warp power?"
> *Yeah, but I wouldn't push it too hard until we canh stabilize the
> field.*
SERVO: I'd advise the author not to push it too hard either, at this
point.
> "Helm, get us out of here, best possible speed."
> The drive section sped away. After a few moments of disorientation,
CROW: Freshman disorientation?
> the Clarians followed.
JOEL: They must have been taking some hits, too.
> "They're gaining," Lt. Kaal said.
> "Geordi," Data said, "I am about to do something that might be
> consid-
> ered...suicidal.
JOEL: I'm going to watch the entire broadcast run of "Full House"!
CROW & SERVO: Ahh! No!
> Can the ship take full reverse?"
> *Are you NUTS, Data?!
SERVO: Have you been listening to your friend Marvin again?
> The strain put on the ship at this speed
> would
> be tricky if the ship was intact, but in the shape it's in--*
> "Can you draw power into the inertial dampers? Perhaps that will
> decrease the strain."
> *Hell, anything's possible.
CROW: At least in Star Trek fanfics.
> I'm shutting down all nonessential
> systems
SERVO: Why are any nonessential system still RUNNING?! They've been in
the middle of a battle, getting the crap kicked out of them, for
crying out loud!
> ...that means you may have to deal with emergency lighting only...
CROW: [as Data] What? Well, forget it then.
> give me
> five minutes.*
> "We do not have five minutes, Geordi.
JOEL: [Shatner voice] We don't HAVE five minutes!
> The Clarian ship is faster
> and
> more maneuverable than we are currently."
> Geordi sighed. *I'll see what I can do. Buy me three minutes.
CROW: And a vowel.
> LaForge out.*
> "Mr. Kaal, I want a spread of Photon Torpedoes that will keep the
> Clarian ship from coming within firing range."
> Kaal looked at Data quizzically. "Sir?"
JOEL: [stupid voice] I had jello today.
> "The Clarians' Torpedoes have a considerably shorter range than
> ours.
> We must keep them beyond that range." Data walked over to Kaal's
> panel
> and pulled up a tactical display.
CROW: Revealing Lt. Kaal's novelty underwear!
> "Fire the torpedoes in such a way
> that
> the Clarians will have to slow to avoid getting hit, in a conical
> pattern."
> Kaal's face lit up in understanding. "With their ship caught in
> the
> middle beyond firing range! But why not fire dirctly at them?"
> "Their shields are more able to take direct hits. No doubt they
> have
> boosted frontal shield power. Therefore, I am going to attemp
SERVO: I wouldn't use a temp-- they're always getting into your private
files, and trying on silly hats when you're not looking.
> reversing
> warp speed to get behind them and attack their weaker side before they
> can react."
CROW: Somebody's been watching Return of the Jedi on the USA Channel.
> Kaal set the firing array. "Spread ready, sir.
SERVO: So, what are they spreading, again?
JOEL: The good taste of Smucker's raspberry preserves, of course.
CROW: Raspberry? Only one person would dare give me the raspberry...
ALL: LONE STAR!
SERVO: Heh, heh.
> Awaiting your
> orders."
> Data returned to the command chair. "Wait until we are aklmost
> within
> their firing range, then fire the spread. Boost frontal shields."
CROW: Now, why couldn't Data have become such a tactical genius BACK IN
PART 10?!!
> Data's firing spread kept the Clarians at bay, though they tried to
> hit
> the drive section . The few shots that reached the ship weren't
> enough to
> penetrate the shields.
> *LaForge to Bridge, you have your boosted dampers. I hope you know
> what
> you're doing, Data.*
SERVO: That's it. They're doomed.
> "Helm, reverse thrust, maximum warp!"
JOEL: Oh, man.
> The drive section strained under the sudden change in thrust. The
> inertial dampers were hard-pressed to keep the ship together. The
> Clarian ship shot by the drive section.
> "Fire all weapons, now!"
> The drive section unloaded everything onto the Clarians' rear.
CROW: What's Peter North doing in this fanfic?
JOEL: What's Peter North doing in your memory bank?
> The
> ship shuddered as its rear shield began collapsing. Then, it
> disappeared.
> "Sensors are still picking it up," Kaal announced. "Apparently
> their
> cloaking system was damaged."
> "Make them aware of that fact, Mr. Kaal," Data said.
> A single torpedo was fired, impacting on the Clarian vessel.
ALL: Neener, neener, neener!
> "They appear to be heading back to Clari III."
> "Mr. Dhemn, get us there, best possible speed. Bridge to
> Engineering,
> damage report?"
CROW: Does the word `roadkill' mean anything to you, sir?
> *We took a beating from that maneuver, but we're still holding
> together.
> We can give you warp 3, no higher.*
SERVO: But back in that other part, they could only get to Warp 2... and
the... but the... [he begins to shake, and a little smoke rises
from his head]
JOEL: [steadying Servo] Whoa, careful there.
> "Understood. I only hope the Ambassador will be all right."
>
> --
> **********************************************************************
> *******
> Prince John III j...@christa.unh.edu
> Join the Government of New Atlantis...Email me today and ask
> how!
> "You want it all but you can't have it!" -- Faith No More
CROW: [almost crying] I don't want it all, I just want this to be over!
JOEL: [patting him on the back] There, there, my little metal friend.
We're near the end now.
CROW: [sniffling] *Why*, Joel? *Why*?
>
>
> Part 15
>
> Duncan crept into the fortress Sancho Marin was using.
SERVO: And where'd THAT come from?!?
> After
> rounding
> a corner and making sure there were no guards, he said, "You can stop
> trying to follow me. You should have known that I could Sense you..."
> Julia sheepishly crept from the shadows.
ALL: [sheep noises]
> "What the hell are you doing here, Julia?"
> "No way was I gonna let you out of my sight, Duncan MacLeod," she
> said
> in retaliation.
SERVO: Oooh, fifteen all!
CROW: To add insult to injury, she spelled his name right.
SERVO: Hey, you're right! Maybe there *is* a light at the end of the
tunnel!
JOEL: You see? If we stick together, we'll make it through!
> Suddenly, the pair Sensed someone approaching.
> "Did Richie follow you?" Duncan asked.
> "Not that I know of," Julia answered.
> The pair turned to see Marin approach.
> "Well, Sinor MacLeod...shall we dance?"
JOEL: You know the Charleston?
SERVO: I think Hole in the Wall would be more appropriate here.
> Duncan drew his sword and the pair circled each other.
CROW: Hey, it *is* Hole in the Wall!
> *Why did I have to be an Immortal?* Julia thought. *I just wanted
> to
> be a Starfleet researcher, and now I've got to watch the man I love
> face
> death yet again!*
SERVO: Yeah, life sucks, kid. Get used to it.
> Julia unconciously drew her phaser as Marin and Duncan clashed
> swords.
JOEL: [falsetto] Hmm... they're fighting... I can't decide which one
looks dreamier... what's this? I've drawn my phaser!
> Duncan was forced back until he was close to the edge of the floor.
> Marin
> swung and Duncan dodged, but lost his balance and fell over the edge.
SERVO: This story's broken all the laws of narrative and physics-- I
guess Paul's Law was the only thing left.
CROW: Hey, at least we've got an action scene.
> Marin cartefully aimed his phaser at Duncan,
JOEL: Carte blanchefully!
> who was sprawled on the
> ground recovering from the fall. "As much as I would love to take
> your
> Queekening, eet would be much easier to destroy you."
JOEL: [mechanically] No. Stop. Don't do it.
> "NO!" Julia screamed as she fired on Marin.
SERVO: BAD right hand! Don't do that!
> The phaser blast
> knocked
> Marin over the edge as well,
CROW: Okay, okay, wait juuuuuuuuuust a minute! First Marin says he'll
destroy Duncan by shooting him with the phaser, and then Julia
shoots *him* but he's just fine? What's the deal?
SERVO: [exasperated] Crow, you want narrative consistency at *this*
stage?
> and watched the battle from above.
JOEL: Phaser blasts have eyes?
SERVO: Joel, it's pointless arguing any more.
> She
> knew
> she'd bought Duncan time to recover.
> Duncan rose to his feet first and immediately attacked. Marin was
> hard-
> pressed to defend himself. Duncan saw Marin draw his phaser, but
> before
> Marin could fire it, Duncan attacked the phaser with a blow that
> removed
> Marin's hand.
> Marin's scream alerted the guards, who charged in, guns blazing.
JOEL: [space radio voice] Ah, Houston, we have a negative on that
flashback separation.
> This
> distraction gave Marin enough time to activate his communicator.
CROW: What *with*?
> "Amigos," he said through gritted teeth, "get me away from here!"
> Marin disappeared in a transporter beam, leaving his allies behind.
>
> CAPTAIN'S LOG: Stardate 38434.7. The drive section has rejoined
> the
> saucer section at Starbase 136. Sancho Marin has escaped,
CROW: Giving us a plot opening for Treklander II.
SERVO: DON'T even THINK about giving him any ideas!
> but the
> Clari-
> ans have signed a peace treaty thanks to Ambassador MacLeod. Ensign
> Cathaway has given her resignation from Starfleet to join the
> Ambassador
> on his next assignment: overseeing diplomatic relations in the Gamma
> Quadrant.
CROW: Oh, come on, don't trash DS9, too!
SERVO: Fanboy.
CROW: Am not.
JOEL: This is your last warning, guys.
> The trio will be transferring to the USS Serties in a few
> hours.
JOEL: In a wacky new sitcom from ABC!
>
> Captain Picard and Commander Riker entered Transporter Room 5 with
> Duncan, Richie, and Julia Cathaway.
> "Well, I want to thank you for all your help, Captain," Duncan said.
CROW: [apopleptic] Help? *Help*? Captain Pick-a-card there was out with
a concussion for the last five chapters and the one before that,
he let Duncan's mortal enemy escape and cripple the Enterprise! I
can't *believe* this!
JOEL: "Help" as in, without Picard's help they might have defeated Marin
for good and closed up the storyline.
CROW: So he was really helping the author?
JOEL: You got it.
> "The thanks should go to you for your help with the Clarians,"
> Picard
> said.
> Suddenly, Duncan, Julia, and Richie looked a little distant as
> Guinan
> entered.
JOEL: She can always quiet a room when she enters.
CROW: [as Richie] Oh, man, she's gonna tell!
> "I should've known I couldn't leave quietly," Richie smirked.
> "Don't flatter yourself, kid," Guinan said flatly,
SERVO: Hey, Guinan Swifties!
CROW: Huh?
> "I'm here to say
> goodbye to Julia."
> Julia and Guinan embraced each other.
CROW: Wrong newsgroup.
> "Take care of the ship, Guinan," Julia whispered.
> "And don't you lose your head over MacLeod," Guinan warned Julia.
JOEL: Ha, ha, a little Immortal humor there.
> The trio stepped onto the transporter pad.
> "Energize," Duncan said,
CROW: [as Picard] Hey, that's *my* line!
> and with a shimmer of light, they were
> gone.
SERVO: Hey, wait a minute, was that "Energize or "Atomize"? I think I
pushed the wrong, uh, thingie... heh...
CROW: We only wish.
JOEL: Come on, you guys. Let's clear out of here while we still can.
[moves to pick up Servo]
CROW: I wanna stay and watch the sig block.
JOEL: Oh, all right. [settles down again]
>
> --
> **********************************************************************
ALL: [singing] Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer true...
> *******
> Prince John III j...@christa.unh.edu
> Join the Government of New Atlantis...Email me today and ask
> how!
SERVO: He's Prince John, the PHONY king of New Atlantis!
> "You want it all but you can't have it!" -- Faith No More
JOEL: You can have all this, John F. Moore.
[And they leave.]
>
...o...2...3...4...5...6...G
[Servo and Crow wear the closest thing to jubilant expressions that they
can manage. Joel walks in, carrying a plate of turkey.]
SERVO: Hey, what's this?
JOEL: Since we've made it all the way through "Treklander", I thought a
little thanksgiving celebration would be in order.
SERVO & CROW: Yeah! All right!
CROW: Lemme go first! I want to go first. I give thanks because "Trek-
lander" is finally over!
SERVO: Oh, you took the easy one.
CROW: Yes, the nightmare is at an end! Wooo-hooo!
JOEL: Yes!
SERVO: I give thanks because John F. Moore finally got a spellchecker.
He even figured out how to spell the names of the characters he
was stealing!
JOEL: Right on!
CROW: Yessss!
JOEL: I give thanks because... uh... he changed the quote in his sig
block!
CROW: Well...
SERVO: Actually, I looked forward to seeing the same quotation, as the
only constant in the erratic mishmash that was "Treklander".
JOEL: Well... nothing else really got better toward the end.
SERVO: True.
JOEL: Come on, as bad as it was, at least it's over with. We won't be
hearing from Sancho Marin for quite a while.
[WHAM! On top of his last line, the ship shakes violently.]
CROW: Don't be too sure!
SERVO: Why do I suddenly feel like doing a Red Cross spot?
JOEL: [with feeling] Oh, of all the times for contrived plot construc-
tion to rear its ugly head! Cambot, give me Rocket Number Nine!
[Cut to exterior SoL. One of the Klingon warbirds from Original Trek
has pulled up to the SoL and is firing phasers at it. The shots are
glancing off an energy shield. Cut to interior SoL.]
CROW: [surprised] Gee, this experiment got *expensive* all of a sudden.
SERVO: There's something coming in on the hexfield.
JOEL: Open hailing frequencies!
[The hexfield opens up to reveal... Sancho Marin, grinning evilly!]
SERVO: Oh, no! It's Sancho Marin, the villain from today's experiment!
CROW: Thank you, Ensign Exposition.
MARIN: Well, sinor McCloud. Once again we meet for the first time for
the last time.
JOEL: Look, there's some mistake. We're not Duncan MacLeod.
MARIN: Don't try to geeve me that "We're not Duncan MacLeod" story, ami-
gos! Apollo 13 said "We're not Duncan MacLeod." The _Liberator_
said "We're not Duncan MacLeod." Babylon 4 said "We're not Duncan
MacLeod." Every time, he was aboard!
[Joel, Crow, and Servo look at each other, consternated.]
MARIN: And every time he gave me the sleep! But thees time you weel not
get away! Seence you are trapped and cannot escape my eventual
revenge, I'm going to let you tweest in the weend for now, ami-
gos. But I'll be back in the sequel. Ah, ha ha ha ha ha ha!
[The hexfield closes.]
CROW: I wonder what *he* wanted.
SERVO: I wonder what he meant about a sequel.
JOEL: [mugging to the camera] Well, Tom, Crow, let's just hope that it
was just an empty threat. Grid willing, there will *never* be a
"Treklander II". Well, what do you think, sirs?
[Deep 13]
[Frank is still wearing the pakycephalosaur head; Dr. Forrester is
wearing the diplodocus head and neck on his head. Dr. F breaks into
evil laughter.]
DIPLODOCUS: [in a strangled Dr. F voice] Push the button, Frank.
[Frank shrugs meekly and reaches for the button.]
PAKYCEPHALOSAUR: [in a suprisingly normal-sounding Frank voice] Why me?
How come you can't push the button, huh? I mean, just
once... [continues in a similar vein as...]
\ | /
\ | /
---O---
/ | \
/ | \
<fwoosh>
[Fade to MSTH set, where there are no extra props visible.]
PERKINS: Oh, little do they know-- well, I shouldn't spoil the surprise,
but tune in next time for the Mystery Science Theater Hour.
[Lights down; Perkins relaxes a little and leans on the column.]
MSTed by Steve Brinich <ste...@access.digex.net>,
Laurie Cubbison <engc...@acs.eku.edu>,
Petrea Mitchell <pr...@mvp.com>, (Almighty Editor)
Mark Sachs <sa...@crayola.cse.psu.edu>,
& Spatch <spa...@student.umass.edu>
Host segments by Petrea Mitchell & Mark Sachs
Peter North trivia person: David Hines
[Perkins is still patiently leaning against the column.]
All characters, logos, and sharp objects copyright Best Brains, Inc.;
all rights reserved. "Treklander" reproduced electronically by permis-
sion of the author. This MSTing is not intended to infringe upon any-
thing except the humorlessness of today's world. This article may be re-
distributed freely as long as this notice remains intact.
[And still he waits.]
If you'd like to MST some deserving piece, contact the "dibs" mailing
list at <misties...@jg.cso.uiuc.edu>.
[Suddenly, for no reason at all, Perkins pulls the back of his suit over
the top of his head, and ambles off the set like the Hunchback of Notre
Dame.]
--
/ <|> <|> <pr...@gm.dev.com> <watch this space>
Petrea Mitchell <pr...@agora.rdrop.com> <pr...@mvp.com>
Today's Life Lesson: Animals sleep in the darndest positions.
TIGER RESTROOM --> ---sign at the Metro Washington Park Zoo