MiSTing: Katira's Tale, part 4
Amanda Van Rhyn
me... it only started out as 20 pages.
> “Uh-oh,” murmured the hero.
> “Now you’ve done it!” said Katira, shaking her head at him. The
> throng of fanatic groupies kept coming.
MIKE: Why, look, everyone, there’s Erato! Wave to the author!
(They all wave)
> “Not good,” he mumbled. In a quick rescue attempt, Katira put her
> hood back, and drew herself as close as she could get to Herc, much to
> his uncertain surprise.
> “Sorry girls,” she mock apologized in her sweetest voice, “He’s with
> me.”
> “What are you doing?” whispered Herc rather uncomfortably.
> “Either play along as my boyfriend, or get massacred by them,”
> snapped Katira, in a whisper as well, gesturing at the girls. Herc got
> the point.
ALL: <Katira, singing> Now it’s Megara’s turn to cry, Megara’s turn
to cry, Megara’s turn to cryyyyy!
> “Yeah right,” sneered one of the mob.
> “Oh no?” asked Katira indignantly. She had to think quick. In a
> desperate, but luckily effective, act of rescue, she pulled Hercules
> into a long, intimate kiss.
TOM: Oh, noo, fanfic. *Please* don’t go there, for the love of god!
> “What the-?” he began, very much alarmed, as Katira pressed her
> lips to his. After the first few seconds, he began to realize it was
> part of Katira’s plan, and eased into the kiss, kind of enjoying it.
CROW: I already feel profoundly dirty.
> After all, Katira was lovely, sweet, kind,
MIKE: - of skanky?
> and charming.
TOM: Just another reason why we shouldn’t allow 1st-level rogues
to run around with wands of charm person. It creates scenes, and
fanfics, like this.
> Her mouth tasted oddly sweet,
CROW: ... and went great with fava beans and a nice Chianti!
> and there was a faint, but pleasant aroma of
MIKE: Gutter crud, sewer water, and the general essence of being
unwashed for months?
TOM: Foul Ole Ron? I believe we’ve found your estranged daughter!
And she’s carried on both the family business *and* the family stench!
> figs, pomegranates, honey, and nuts about her. She was good at it too.
> “Oh. We see. We understand,”
CROW: <groupie> Yessss, we do, don’t we, Precioussssss? Dirty,
nasssty Herculesessssss....
MIKE: Yes, folks, it wouldn’t be a MiSTing without the
Gollum reference.
> said the apparent spokeswoman of the groupies. They turned, and left the
> agora disappointed.
TOM: <falsetto groupie voice> Look, there’s Theseus!
Let’s go stalk him!
> When they were gone, Katira released Herc. For a few moments, all
> he could do was stare at Katira, and gape with his mouth opening and
> closing like a fish, trying to regain the ability to speak.
MIKE: Hercules as Kevin Richter in _Murphy’s Boy_!
> “Whoa,” he said, still trying to recover from the sudden shock.
CROW: Vasogenic or anaphylactic?
> “You said it. Believe me, it could have been worse,” she said,
> discreetly wiping off her mouth with her hand.
TOM: <Katira> Ewwww, boy germs.
> “That was...very...unexpected,” was all poor Herc could say.
CROW: <Hercules> Sure, it was unexpected, but dang! What a party!
MIKE: First the Gollum reference, now this. I thought your dirty
riffs were bad... now I have to sit through your Tolkien-fanboy
riffs.
CROW: Geez, Mike, you aren’t gonna let me have any fun, are you?
> “Like I said. It could have been worse.
TOM: Of *course* it could have been worse! You could have caused the
Earth to implode! Never mind, that would be better, since we wouldn’t
have to read this fic anymore.
> Come on, let’s get the H-E-double-javelins outta here,”
CROW: Now that doesn’t even deserve a riff.
> she said, going into another alley, dragging the stunned Hercules along
> with her.
> “What gave you the idea to do that?” asked Herc, once he’d fully
> recovered his powers of speech.
> “Let’s just say I have great ad-lib skills. Say, honey, you kiss
> like a pro. Let me guess. You’ve got yourself a girl back home, don’t
> you?” Herc nodded.
> “Yeah. Her name’s Meg,
ALL: -ara.
> Megara actually.”
ALL: Thank you!
> “Hmph. I used to know a girl named Meg once. You love her a lot,
> don’t you?” asked Katira, knowingly,
MIKE: This is swiftly becoming a Psychic Friends Network
commercial...
TOM: <Katira> Let me guess, you’re suffering from a lot of
on-the-job anxiety and you’re considering a change of career, right?
>but with a hint of wist
CROW: Wait a second... is wist even a word?
MIKE: It is now!
> in her tone.
> “Yeah, I do. How’d you guess?”
> “I didn’t guess. I could tell. Honey,
ALL: <singing> I miss yooooouuu, and I’m being goooooooood....
> I can identify any man’s romantic status and feelings with just one
kiss.”
TOM: Oh, please, fanfic, don’t make this a part-immortal power or
anything!!! Please, for the love of sanity!!!!
> “How?” Herc had no idea what she was talking about.
> “Spend enough time swimming in the dating pool,
MIKE: The dating pool = where the fish lives?
CROW: <Katira> By this time my lungs were aching for air!
TOM: You live for that reference, don't you, Crow?
> and you pick up a few things,” she said, looking away at first, and then
> right back at Herc, “Don’t ever, ever, let her go, whatever you do.
> If you love her that much, keep her.
MIKE: But if you love someone, you’re supposed to set them free...
oh, never mind.
> If you lose her, you’ll feel the worst pain of all.”
TOM: Like a fire raging inside you...
> Her voice trailed away, and a single tear slipped down the creamy cheek.
CROW: Four out of five Donner party members agree: Katira is
nummylicious!
MIKE: Crow, was that image strictly necessary?
CROW: No, but it was either that or a primal scream about the fact
that Erato used the adjective ‘creamy’ again...
> Again, she felt the heartbreak she’d felt too many times. A silence fell
> over the alley, as tear-bright eyes shone in a wooden face,
MIKE: Pinnochio’s Secret Anguish: an After-School Special.
> with tight, pale lips, while anguished and angry hands twisted a piece of
> her brown cloak until blood flowed.
TOM: It’s really a bad sign when your clothing bleeds.
> Herc laid a comforting hand on her shoulder. She put her hood back on,
> and wiped her bleeding hand on a clean place on her cloak. She looked as
> normal as ever, and she rejoined Herc as they reentered the agora.
> At the time, they found nothing else of interest,
CROW: <Hercules> Dang, the Old Navy at Agora isn’t open yet.
And I really need some cargo pants too.
> so they went back to Katira’s camp. Katira bandaged her wounded hand,
MIKE: And died of gangrene from using skanky bandages...
TOM: Hey, man, why all the *darkness*?
> and began fixing up lunch, which wasn’t very much food, Herc had noticed.
> In fact, she rarely ate much more than a few meager things, since she was
> poor, couldn’t afford it,
CROW: No, really?! I thought the poor could afford anything!
> and had grown up forced to eat that way. After fixing up the bread with
> a sliver of meat inside,
MIKE: <Katira> In my people’s tongue it is called a ‘cheese-steak’.
> Katira eyed the apple tree. It was past season, so there were few apples
> left. All the same, she decided to go and bring down a few for dessert.
> She took off her cloak, since it limited her agility, and began climbing
> the tree. Her bare feet scraped painfully against the bark, but Katira
> didn’t care.
TOM: <Katira> Hee-hee. I can have tetanus again! Tetanus is fun!
> Instead, she kept climbing all the way to the top of the tree, where the
> apples were left. She took two, and dropped the to the ground,
MIKE: Doh! That to the ground isn’t shatterproof!
TOM: Speaking as a veteran grammarflamer, Mike, that was laaaaame.
> where they landed, unharmed, on her cloak. Now, she had to get back down.
ALL: Just jump out of the tree!!!
> She carefully began climbing back down the tree, when she felt a tugging
> at her skirt.
CROW: And the Ent, succeeding in pulling her off,
stomped on her head. The End.
> She’d gotten caught on a branch. As she stopped to free herself,
> she slipped on the branch, and started to fall. Luckily, she got her
> dress caught on several other branches, which was the only thing holding
> her off the ground.
TOM: I can feel this scene coming from a mile away... and I’m very
much afraid.
> She now had to free herself in many more places, and she struggled to
> reach the snags. It didn’t work too well, and she hung there, her dress
> acting as a sling to keep her in the tree. Katira hoped the dress
> wouldn’t tear so that she wouldn’t fall through it to the ground, which
> had happened before.
CROW: Um, Mike?
MIKE: Yeah?
CROW: There is a god of some sort, right?
MIKE: Well, I think so, but that’s a major human
philosophical issue...
CROW: Mike, one question: if there truly is a benevolent deity, why
would he/she/it/they make this scene exist, and why would it be
implied that it had happened *before*? I’m never gonna get the
image out of my memory circuits.
MIKE: You’ve got me there, buddy.
> The embarrassed Katira finally decided to ask for help.
> “Yo, Herc, will you help me down from here?” she asked. Hercules
> looked up at her, and thought she looked so funny dangling there that he
> couldn’t help but laugh.
MIKE: All right, before I thought this scene just sucked, but
now I believe it’s an official crime against sentient life.
> “What happened to you? You’re just-” he didn’t finish his sentence
> because he was laughing too hard.
TOM: He’s laughing on the outside, we’re all crying on the inside.
> “Yeah, I know. I’m just hanging around up here,” said Katira,
> annoyed. Obviously, Herc wasn’t going to help her, so she’d have to go
> it alone. Using all her might, she tried to “jump” up to the snags.
> Katira almost made it, but not quite. When she swung back down, another
> branch caught a rip on the back of her dress, and tore it some before
> releasing the cloth. Katira tried again, but was still unsuccessful.
> Again, the branch ripped more of her dress.
MIKE: Yes, fanfic, you’ve informed us of this. Get on with it!
> Over and over, Katira tried to free herself, but nothing worked. Her
> dress was badly torn in back, and if it tore much more, the dress would
> split completely, and she’d fall out of the cloth.
CROW: I hate to say it, but even if there weren’t a huge number of
RAMchips on the line, riffing this would be beneath my dignity.
> Summoning all the strength she could, Katira gave it one last try. She
> didn’t get the snag, but the branch tore her dress so that it finally
> split. Poor Katira fell out of the tree, without her dress.
TOM: Mike?
MIKE: Yup?
TOM: Unscrew my head before this scene goes on. Please.
MIKE: Sure. I only wish it was so easy to get out of watching this
myself.
(Mike unscrews Tom’s head and sets it carefully on the theater floor.)
> She screamed most of the way down, and Herc caught her instinctively.
> “Wha-?” he began when he noticed Katira was missing her clothing.
CROW: Still much too easy and debasing.
> “Okay. It’s official. I’m totally humiliated now. Look, the
> sooner you put me down, the sooner I can put something on,” she said.
> Herc dropped her, and Katira hit the ground with a thud.
MIKE: Hi, Dalgar! Please, Dalgar, save us from the scene!
> She flashed
TOM: <from floor> I’d say!
CROW: Tom?! You can still talk with your head disconnected??
TOM: Yep! But only in really extenuating circumstances.
> an annoyed look at Herc before she walked over to her cloak to put it on.
> Having grown up in almost total solitude, she didn’t mind her nude body
> so much.
(All, including Tom from the floor, shudder convulsively.)
> Herc, on the other hand, was not at all used to this sort of thing, and
> was almost as embarrassed as Katira had been. She seemed to be almost a
> walking statue,
MIKE: <to the tune of the “Galileo!” part of _Bohemian Rhapsody_>
Galatea!
TOM: <same thing, from the floor> Galatea!
CROW: <continuing the theme> Galateaissimo!
> as she went to put on her cloak, white and perfect,
TOM: The cloak was dirty, not "white and perfect".
MIKE: I think it means her body.
TOM: Well, than it's bad sentence contruction then. And... just plain
*wrong*.
> and missing something to wear.
MIKE: I’ve shuddered enough already. This is just adding insult to
injury.
> Katira quickly dressed, and rejoined her companion for lunch.
TOM: <from floor> All right, Mike, please reattach my head.
(Mike does so.)
TOM: Now that’s more like it.
> Apparently, the incident hadn’t changed his appetite.
> “Are you okay?” asked Herc.
> “Yeah, I’m fine. Unfortunately, this means I have to make another
> dress. Gods, I hate when this happens!” fumed the girl.
MIKE: We feel your pain, Katira.
CROW: Well, not precisely *your* pain, but it’s definitely pain...
> “This doesn’t happen often, does it?” queried Herc uneasily.
> “Naw, it’s been a few years since it happened last. I don’t expect
> to come down like that again for a good long time,” she answered casually,
> laughing a little.
> “That’s good.”
TOM: Of *course* it’s good! That means we don’t have to endure this
scene again for a while!
> “Come on, we’d better eat. It may be the last meal of the day, but
> if it isn’t, I hope I don’t have to work that hard to get it.
CROW: I heard most grammar programs won't even correct that sentence...
they're just give a repair estimate.
> You won’t believe the things I go through for a simple meal,” she said,
> shaking her head over some memories when she had previously had to scripe
> for food. They ate lunch, and yet Herc was surprised she didn’t have any
> more emotion over her “incident.”
MIKE: Sorry... at least on my end, it’s all so many brutal repressed
memories.
> Sure, she’d been annoyed at it happening, but she didn’t express much
> embarrassment or shame over accidentally getting revealed. He shrugged
> and decided he may as well forget about it. After all, Katira apparently
> had. Katira later went back into the Athenian agora to purchase some
> cloth to make a new dress. She looked and looked for something that
> would suit her. Finally, she saw the perfect material. She joyfully
> bought it, and rushed back to her makeshift home to begin work on it.
> When she got back, night had fallen,
(M&TB make assorted crashing noises)
> and she started sewing right away on it, totally skipping dinner, which
> Herc wasn’t exactly pleased about. He was used to full banquets any time
> he wished.
CROW: <Hercules> Servant! Pass me a Nut Goody, right now!
> Katira was used to going several days without a bite to eat, and when she
> found a bite, it was often small. Despite his hunger, Herc said nothing.
> Since he was temporarily living with Katira, he decided he’d have to get
> accustomed to her way of life, within certain boundaries, of course.
> Katira had been a thief, and he had no intentions of stealing anything,
> even if it meant starving.
TOM: <Hercules> Starving... but... must... obey... scout’s honor...
> Katira worked for hours, occasionally having conversations with her guest.
CROW: <Katira> So, how ‘bout them Packers?
> He seemed to just want to make sure he could handle being around Kat after
> what had happened.
> “So, um, Kat, you said you used to know a girl named Meg?” he asked.
> Kat nodded, keeping her focus on her work.
> “Mmm-hmm. We used to be best friends back when we were kids.
MIKE: M-hmm. And what was this about an isolated childhood again?
It’s sad when a fanfic can’t even keep its inner continuity straight.
> Haven’t seen her since, and considering what happened the last time I saw
> her, I have a feeling she’s in no hurry to see me again,” she answered.
> “What happened?” asked Herc gently, feeling a sort of empathy for her.
TOM: <Katira> Well, you see, she heard I was starring in a crappy
fanfic...
> “Well, to make a long story short, Meg was dating this guy and did
> him a rather big favor. I happened to pass by them shortly afterward,
> and the next thing I know, he’s ditched Meg and hitting on me!
CROW: As the Bastardized Mythology Turns?
> She wasn’t too happy with me for that. I don’t know why it happened.
> I mean, these guys just somehow seem to find me! You know how it is:
> you barely say ‘hello’, and before you know it he’s trying to pick out
> curtains!,”
MIKE: Were the Greeks even aware of the concept of curtains, or is
this just another misplaced anachronism I should ignore for the sake of
my own sanity?
> said Kat with a dry laugh.
ALL: Hah-hah-hah-hah-hah! (Think Krankor laughter here.
It’s hard to capture the spirit in text form.)
> A second later, the corners of her smile dropped so that she was just
> drawing her lips back and showing her teeth in a sort of self-pity. Herc
> didn’t bother continuing on that subject. After some time, Herc started
> getting drowsy.
CROW: So am I...
MIKE: I think the fanfic does that to you.
He didn’t exactly want to fall asleep during a
> conversation with his friend, but it was getting late. Katira noticed.
> “You know, Herc, you can go to sleep any time you want. I have total
> freedom in my home and lifestyle,
CROW: <Katira> Given as my lifestyle and home involve sewer grates.
> and so shall all my guests,” she said, never looking up.
> “Are you sure you won’t mind?” asked Herc.
> “Nope, won’t mind at all. You forget, I spent the majority of my
> life alone.
TOM: And let me guess, everything she loved, she loved alone, right?
CROW: I doubt Poe would have associated a perfectly good piece of
poetry with this loser.
> I won’t care. Really,” she assured him.
> “Y’know, Kat,” Herc said shyly, “When I’m with you, I
> feel...well...safe.”
TOM: <Hercules> Your protective layers of stench cause attackers to
flee in terror!
> Kat looked at him strangely, with one eyebrow lifted and the other in a
> frown.
> “Safe? That’s a new one. I’ve heard things like feeling happy,
> lucky, special, and who knows what else, but safe? Nobody ever said they
> felt safe with me. After all, who can feel safe with spontaneous rogues
> who fall out of trees?”
MIKE: I dunno... what about spontaneous rogues who explode out of
lockers, scattering shrapnel and Ping-Pong balls in their wake?
CROW: Dweeb inside joke. For shame, Michael Nelson!
> teased Kat. He wasn’t sure what to say. With a shrug and a yawn, Herc
> fell asleep. Katira looked at the sleeping hero, and smiled at him.
> He was so sweet and nice to her. And handsome. And strong. And Katira
> shook her head to erase her daydream. No way was she going to fall for
> another guy, especially not Hercules. He had another girl at Thebes, and
> she’d had her heart broken too many times already.
TOM: Let me guess... she fixed her heart herself, using a rudimentary
scalpel and duct tape.
> The creeps mistakenly callen men
MIKE: Erato, do you have issues you’d like to talk through?
> just seemed to somehow find her; she didn’t go looking for them. Still,
> she felt a strong affection for him, and her mind kept wandering back to
> her rescue that morning. She felt a wonderful tingling as she remembered
> the kiss.
CROW: I value my RAMchips too much to make a reference there.
MIKE: If nothing else, this fanfic has helped your conscience
immensely.
> She shook the visions out of her head again,
TOM: You know, I heard tinfoil keeps the aliens from talking to you
in your head, Katira.
> and worked as fast as she could on her dress. After a long time, it was
> done, and Katira curled up in her skins, and dozed off, dreaming sweet,
> sweet dreams.
> The sun rose, and Katira along with it.
MIKE: <Katira> Wow, 30 whole minutes of sleep last night!