[MiSTed] "Revenge of the Romulans" (1/1)
Mike Barklage
MiSTed: "Revenge of the Romulans"
by Mike Barklage (Chirpy the Mutant Hellbeast)
bark...@ucsu.colorado.edu
In the not-too-distant future...
[SOL. Crow is in front of a typewriter, diligently typing away. There is
a six-inch stack of paper next to the typewriter. Tom enters from the
right. He is bouncing up and down on a pogo stick.]
CROW: Ah! Another chapter finished!
[Tom stops bouncing and hovers over to Crow.]
TOM: Another chapter of what?
CROW: I'm writing the *ultimate* crossover story. Wanna hear about it?
TOM: Not really.
CROW: Okay, at the beginning of the story, the Enterprise-D is called to
Deep Space 9 to investigate some kind of space-time anomaly.
TOM: Of course.
CROW: Then an Imperial Star Destroyer chases the Millenium Falcon through
the anomaly and they end up on the "Star Trek" side of the universe.
TOM: Right.
CROW: Meanwhile, on 20th century Earth, Dr. Who is on holiday when he
is discovered by Mulder and Scully, who are taken by the Doctor
off of Earth, and they re-materialize in the cargo hold of the
Enterprise-D.
TOM: Uh, Crow...
CROW: Suddenly, a time nexus rips through the area, dropping James T. Kirk
onto the bridge! Then the Enterprise-D hears a distress signal from
a nearby planet: they are being overrun by aliens who pop out of
people's chests and have acid for blood!
TOM: Crow!
CROW: Then things get *really* complicated when Sam Beckett quantum leaps
into Captain Picard!
TOM: CROW!!!
CROW: Of course, I still haven't worked in 'Battlestar Galactica,' but then,
I'm only on chapter 114 -- uh, did you say something, Tom?
TOM: <pauses> You *do* realize that this story must be destroyed, right?
CROW: <another pause> *sigh*... oh, you're probably right. It was a bad idea
to begin with.
[Crow wanders off, leaving the unfinshed story in the typewriter. Then
the Mads' light flashes.]
TOM: Whoops! Hey, Mike! The Dark Stooges are calling!
[Deep 13. Dr. Forrester and Frank are standing in front of a machine that
is covered with buttons, switches, and pulsating lights. Red lights cast
an eerie glow over the laboratory, while klaxons and buzzers loudly sound
the impending event. Forrester has to yell to be heard over the din.]
DR.F: You're just in time to see the final stage of my plan for world
domination go into effect, my little guinea pigs! And this time,
there will be no failure!
[Forrester gestures dramatically at the machine.]
DR.F: Once I activate this machine, the world will be putty in my hands!
Over the next few hours, I will send mind control rays bouncing off
of satellites all over the world. The rays will turn people's mind
into soggy oatmeal, and they will have no choice but to bow down
before their new master, Dr. Clayton Frank-n-Furter!
FRANK: Forrester.
DR.F: Forrester! <evil laugh>
[SOL.]
MIKE: Um... does this mean there's no experiment today?
[D13. Forrester looks perplexed at his watch. He expression turns foul
and he slaps his forhead.]
DR.F: It always comes down to time constraints, doesn't it?
[He makes a cutting gesture with his throat. Frank turns off all the lights
and sirens.]
DR.F: Very well, Mike. I'll just have to do this after the experiment.
Speaking of which, your post today is bad, even by my standards. It's
a childish piece of drivel from alt.star-trek.creative called
"Revenge of the Romulans." Deal with it, pink boy!
[SOL. Movie sign buzzers and lights go off.]
ALL: WE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!
6...5...4...3...2...1...*...
[They enter the theater.]
TOM: Good one, Mike. We could have gotten out of the experiment today.
MIKE: What, would you rather have Dr. Forrester take over the world?
>
> This is an automated reposting of fiction from the alt.startrek.creative
> archives.
CROW: Damn machines, takin' over our jobs.
> This is archive file: story/ds9/Alex_Buchanan/ST-DS9-RevengeOfTheRomulans=
> .zip
MIKE: Does Joseph F. Young have a contract with the Mads?
> Any comments, questions, etc. about the archives may be
> addressed to j...@cis.ksu.edu.
TOM: Jeffy? From "Family Circus"?
> = CUT HERE= =
> Exploding: ST-DS9-RevengeOfTheRomulans
ALL: <hum MacGuyver theme song>
> ~From: Alex.B...@f102.n514.z17.mtlnet.org (Alex Buchanan)
> Path: newserv.ksu.ksu.edu!moe.ksu.ksu.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!howland.rest=
on.ans.net!pipex!uunet!newsflash.concordia.ca!altitude!Nyongwa.CAM.ORG!mtln=
et!mtlnet.gateway
> ~Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
CROW: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villiany.
> ~Subject: Startrek deep space nine
TOM: Hey, a DS9 story! We don't get too many of these!
> Message-ID: <75073873...@mtlnet.org>
> ~Date: Wed, 13 Oct 1993 17:34:00 -0500
> X-FTN-To: All
> ~Lines: 276
>
> @SUBJECT:STARTREK DEEP SPACE NINE SHORT STORY N
> StarTrek: Deep Space Nine
> Revenge of the Romulans
>
>
>
> In 2587, technology was at it's peak.
MIKE: Really? Well, it's all downhill from there. Might as well give up.
> The United Federation Of
> Planets was the strong and powerful alliance.
CROW: As well as a highly intoxicating beverage.
> That year, they
> made plenty of new scientific discoveries
TOM: Is that enough scientific discoveries?
MIKE: Sure, that's plenty.
> as well as planets and
> civilisations.
CROW: They made planets and civilizations? They had a busy year!
> But unfortunately, there was a dispute between
> two civilisations:
TOM: The Pops and the Soft Drinks.
> the Bajorans and the Cardassians. Bajor is a
> planet located on the border of Cardassian space and the
> Federation's territories.
MIKE: Conveniently close to Schnucks.
> The Bajorans claim that the
> Cardassians are bossing and bothering them
CROW: "Bossing and bothering"?
MIKE: Must be another definition of "slavery."
TOM: <whiny voice> Mommeeeee, Billy's enslaving meeee!
> ever since they
> constructed a space station located right off the orbit of planet
> Bajor. The U.S.S. Enterprise,
CROW: Oh no! It's a crossover story!
> lead by Captain Jean-Luc Picard,
MIKE: Who else?
> was sent there to settle the argument.
>
> Once arrived at the starbase, Picard and his crew started
> negotiations with the Cardassians.
TOM: First order of business: you called me "Stinky Pants" before. Take
it back.
> Finally, after the meeting
> concluded,
CROW: Wow! Those are fast negotiations!
> the Cardassians agreed to hand over the starbase to
> the Federation. They baptised it Starbase Deep Space 9.
MIKE: The station is now absolved of original sin.
> The Enterprise returned to the next nearest starbase to pick up the
> officers who shall be positioned at Deep space nine.
TOM: Oddly enough, *all* the officers were at the nearby starbase.
>
> The commanding officer selected
CROW: ...in the first round, by the Chicago Bears...
> is Commander Benjamin Sisko.
> Sisko is a 31 year old administrator from planet Earth
ALL: <Love Connection music>
MIKE: ...who enjoys dancing, classical music, and long walks on the beach.
> got
> promoted to Commander for his services to many spaceships; namely
> the U.S.S. Galador which got destroyed by the Borg, half-human
> half-robot humanoids.
TOM: Well, I guess after it was blown apart, the Galador would count as
"many spaceships."
> On that craft, he saved 1278 people, but
> lost his wife in an explosion.
CROW: Wouldn't ya know it? 1279 people on board, and the *one* casualty...
> He will be joined by his son:
> Jake Sisko who survived the battle.
MIKE: Hey! This whole story was lifted from a Paramount press release!
>
> Many other Ensigns, Lieutenants and other officers joined Sisko.
ALL: Join him! Join him!
> During that time, on the Enterprise, Chief Miles O'Brien saw the
> possibilities on that starbase.
TOM: Say, a guy could get a lot of screen time on a starbase like that...
> He discussed it with his wife
> Keiko and decided to try out living there for a few months. He
> went to discuss the matter with Captain Picard.
CROW: Does *everyone* on the Enterprise go to the captain with their
personal problems?
> Jean-Luc decided
> to let them go and stay there for a while.
MIKE: <Picard> But be back before dark!
> O'Brien then said:
> Thank you sir, I'll keep in touch with you.
TOM: Picard then said: Bite me, you Irish bastard.
>
> As the Enterprise left the area with the new starbase crew, they
> were joined by the starship "Medico"
CROW: On its way to a "Hospito."
> which contains the doctors
> and physicians as well as the medical equipment.
MIKE: They then met the starship "Luncho" which contained food and food as
well as the food.
TOM: What about the starship "Redundanto"?
> The only
> missing person is the chief medical officer who will be coming
> later.
CROW: Is this subtle foreshadowing?
> An hour later, the Enterprise received a message from
> Deep Space Nine:
MIKE: "Get the hell off our series."
> A woman appeared on the screen; she said:
> Hello! My name is Major Kira Nerys.
TOM: I will be your hostess today. Can I interest you in a cocktail?
> I am the Bajoran liaison
> on Deep Space Nine. We are presently undergoing repairs in the
> station.The security chief has arrived here and is awaiting your
> arrival.
MIKE: He will be the large beach ball that talks.
CROW: Hey, wait a minute. Wasn't Odo the security chief for the Cardassians?
How did he *just arrive* there?
> Please dock at gate 3, that's the wing with the big
> "three" on it. Ha! Ha! Ha! See you later.
>
>
ALL: <stunned silence> WHAT?!
TOM: <laughing> You have *got* to be kidding me.
CROW: That Kira, she cracks me up! Ha! Ha! Ha!
MIKE: All dialogue written by Alex Buchanan, grade 3.
>
>
> As the message ended, 200 light years away,
CROW: In other words, 200 years later.
> Chief Medical Officer
> Julian Bashir, native from England on planet Earth,
TOM: As opposed to England on planet Gobberwartz IV?
> was boarding
> on a shuttlecraft, heading towards Deep Space Nine. He is
> accompanied by Jadzia Dax, a Trill. A Trill is a life form,
> which is the size of a toaster.
MIKE: I can assume, then, that all life forms are the size of toasters?
CROW: Note to myself: Trill = toaster.
> It is a very intelligent being
> that moves into a person's stomach.
TOM: It is then digested and leaves the body as waste material.
> The Trill combines with the
> host to become a very intelligent and superior form.
MIKE: ...with a slight ego problem.
> To become a
> host, the person must have good physical abilities,
CROW: Saaaayy...
> and have
> university degrees in at least three different subjects.
>
> Attracted by Dax, Bashir said:
TOM: "Attracted by Dax"? I feel like I'm watching a wildlife show.
MIKE: <Marlon Perkins> Attracted by the female, the alpha-male attempts to
prove his superiority to the other males...
> So, what's a beautiful Trill like
> you doing in this part of the galaxy?
CROW: Being sexually harassed by a British twit, at the moment.
> -My previous host was a man, you know said Dax.
> -But now you're a woman.Hee Hee Hee.
TOM: I always knew Bashir was a little immature, but this reaches new lows
for him.
> -Concentrate on your drivin' and watch that asteroid field!
MIKE: <southern accent> Where you from, Dax? Alabama?
CROW: Three university degrees and she still talks like a redneck.
> Travelling at warp 1.5, they should arrived at the starbase in 8
> hours.
TOM: Actually, traveling 200 light years at 1.5 times the speed of light,
they should arrive in 133 years.
CROW: No, that's the *old* warp system.
TOM: Oh. And with the new system?
CROW: He's still way, way off. <pause> I think.
>
> A few hours earlier,
MIKE: Oh no! We've hit a wormhole!
CROW: Maybe *that's* how they got to the station so fast!
> the Enterprise docked at Deep Space Nine.
TOM: <porn music> Buck-a-chicka-a-wow...
> They got acquainted with the starbase staff, dropped the new
> crewmembers
ALL: Ow!
> then headed off to another mission.
MIKE: See ya, suckers! <tire squealing noises>
> Commander Sisko
> met with the staff and went for a tour of the base. Chief
> O'Brien joined the engineer officers and worked with them on the
> minor problems around the station.
CROW: Like getting life support back online.
> Continuing his tour, Sisko
> met Quark, the Ferengi. He is the salesman, capitulating
> bartender
ALL: Ewww!
TOM: Whatever you do, don't capitulate when *we're* around!
> who operates the bar and casino on the promenade. He
> constantly bothers Odo with his deals with customers which he
> often cheats.
TOM: <begins shaking violently>
MIKE: Whoa, calm down, Tom. Don't pull a grammar flame-out on me!
> He is also the community leader
CROW: Really. Does Quark attend PTA meetings?
> and organizer of leisure activities.
TOM: Such as prostitution.
> Just as Sisko's tour ended, Dax and Bashir
> arrived at the space station. Bashir said to Dax: How about
> dinner tonight?
MIKE: She just got through a 100-year space flight with you! Leave the
poor girl alone!
> -I'll think about it said Dax.
CROW: <Dax> Okay, I've thought about it. The answer's still no, ya
little creep.
> Hello Dax said Ben Sisko. Long time no see! I see that
> Doctor has a crush on you.
TOM: Geez, he's standing right there! No need to embarass the guy.
> Does he know that you are a Trill?
> -Yeah, he finds me intriguing.
MIKE: Right now, poor Bashir is trying to hang himself from the rafters.
> Then Sisko hailed all the senior officers and asked them to come
> to Ops (operations station).
CROW: Remember, folks: "Ops" means operations station. We'll try not to get
that technical with you any more.
> All staff got acquainted and the
> Commander decided to make a list of his main officers:
TOM: Uh... why?
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> Commanding Officer: Commander *** Benjamin Sisko
MIKE: Does he really need to put his own name on the list?
> 1st Officer: Major Kira Nerys
> Science Officer: Lieutenant ** Jadzia Dax
CROW: Dax only gets two stars? She's *much* better than that!
> Engineering Officer: Chief-Lieutenant *o Miles O'Brien
TOM: He's the chief Lieutenant on the station.
MIKE: Hey, I'm just impressed that Alex spelled "Lieutenant" right.
> Chief Medical officer: Lieutenant *o Julian Bashir
> Security Chief: Constable Odo
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
CROW: Well. Is that it? Can we go?
[Mike and Crow get up and start to leave.]
TOM: No, no, wait, guys. It's not over.
[They all sit back down again.]
>
> The crew looked at the list and confirmed it's accuracy.
MIKE: Yup. That's my name, all right.
> It was
> then when Ben Sisko had a real conversation with Odo.
CROW: In other words, they talked about football and women.
> He learned
> that he is a tough "cop"
TOM: And that this author is full of "crap."
> who believes in justice more than the
> law and regulations.
MIKE: Dammit, Odo's a good cop!
> He also learned that he is a Shape-shifter:
> a being that can transform itself into any form.
CROW: And yet he still looks like *that*!
> Odo worked
> there since the previous operators: the pesky Cardassians.
TOM: Those pesky Cardassians! You really should spray for those.
>
> A few weeks later, after hours of treacherous work,
MIKE: They only did a few hours' work in weeks?
CROW: You know those Federation workers: one of them works while the rest
sit around, drink coffee and watch him work.
> the Starbase
> was fit and ready to start docking visiting spaceships. During
> several days, 12 ships came and docked there, including the
> U.S.S. Infinity, one of the finest Starfleet ships.
TOM: Ladies and gentlemen, a cameo appearance by the USS Infinity!
ALL: <cheer and applaud for the glorious USS Infinity>
> But one day,
> a beaten up ship came in.
MIKE: Talk about compression of time! In this story, *years* can go by in
a few sentences!
> It looked as if it was in a fight.
> Chief O'Brien was sent to repair and find out what happened to
> that ship.
CROW: Yes, just him.
> Arrived at the dock, O'Brien said to the Captain:
> Your ship has been badly bruised,
TOM: The ship has blood vessels?
> I'll see what I can do about
> it. The Chief started working and as he was finishing on the
> engine,
MIKE: The "engine"? What, is the ship a revamped '57 Chevy?
> he asked the owner:So what happened anyways?
> -Oh I just got in a little skirmish.
> -With whom?
CROW: The USS Dennis Rodman.
> -Uh, well, it doesn't matter. Anyhow, we worked it out and all's
> well.
> Miles (O'Brien)
TOM: As opposed to Miles (O'Keefe)? What other "Miles" could we be
talking about?!
> knew that he was hiding something
ALL: Nnnooooo...
> so he reported
> it to Sisko. The Commander then remembered about Odo being a
> Shape-shifter
MIKE: I suddenly remembered! Odo's a shapeshifter!
> and then said to O'Brien: Ask our nice Constable
> if he can shift into a chair for a while.
CROW: A *comfy* chair!
> I just think we can
> figure out his secret.
TOM: <evil laugh> Mwhahahahaha!!! Oh, wait, Sisko's not evil.
>
> After a few minutes of discussions, the plan was in action.
MIKE: Now, we'll all meet at Quark's for brewskis afterwards, agreed?
> O'Brien lied to the visitor with the broken ship and said that
> repairs could only be completed the next day.
CROW: He also overcharged him and did a few unecessary repairs.
> So he had an
> escort bring him to his room. But unbeknownst to him, Odo has
> transformed into a sofa,
TOM: A fold-out sofa, with some nice frilly throw pillows.
> hoping to overhear any conversation
> between the stranger and any of his crewmembers.
MIKE: And hoping the captain doesn't have gastro-intestinal problems.
ALL: <farting noises>
> But, those
> efforts were useless as the captain went to sleep and left his
> quarters right at dawn.
CROW: Define dawn, when you're in deep space.
MIKE: Doesn't this "captain" have a name? Or his ship, either?
TOM: It's the adventures of Captain Captain and his ship, the USS Ship!
> As he was going to leave the station,
> Sisko received a call from Major Kira.
TOM: *Sisko* was going to leave the staion?
CROW: <Sisko> Man, I'm outta this cheesy fanfic!
> She said: Sir, we are
> detecting an energy fluctuation in space in front of us.
> -Could it be an after-effect of the Wormhole? said Sisko
MIKE: No, but it *could* be an after-effect of the burritos I had last night.
> -No, if the sensors are accurate, it is a cloaked ship.
TOM: Sensors aren't *supposed* to pick up cloaked ships. Otherwise, what
is the point of having a cloaking device?!
MIKE: That's okay. The Star Trek writers haven't realized that either.
> -But who would want to hide from us?
TOM: Star Trek fans, hiding their heads in shame.
> -I doubt that the...
CROW: ...people reading this story are enjoying it.
> wait, the ship is uncloaking; my goodness,
> it's a Romulan Warbird!
TOM: Watch your language!
> -I'm coming to Ops right away.
> As Commander Sisko was rushing to the Operations room, he was
> thinking:
MIKE: Geez, I wish I'd gone to the bathroom this morning.
> What in the galaxy are the Romulans doing here?
CROW: Looking for NetDOOM players?
> Benjamin was joined by Odo and Dax as they arrived to Ops. As
> soon as they got there, they were hailed by the vessel. This is
> Moratedek of the ship "Gearth".
TOM: Ooh, I'm impressed! He gets a name and everything!
CROW: Is anyone else disturbed by the complete lack of quotation marks in
this fanfic?
> Where is that puny spaceship
> that escaped from our clutches?
>
MIKE: <Marvin Martian> I will destroy your planet, puny Earth creature.
TOM: We'll be right back after these messages.
>
>
>
>
>
TOM: And we're back!
> -What ship? said Sisko.
> -The one with the damages. Said Moratedek angrily.
MIKE: JR take 14 damages!
[MiSTer's Note: One zillion MSTie points if you can name that reference.]
> Realising what vessel he was talking about, they asked why they
> were looking for that craft.
CROW: <as Romulans> Why *are* we looking for that craft, anyway?
> He responded that he committed a
> felony in Romulan territory and that he was going to get punished
> for his crime.
TOM: *Who* committed the crime? The captain? The Romulan? Sisko?? AND
WHO'S TALKING?!
MIKE: Calm down, Servo, before your head blows up again.
> And then, acting quickly, Odo said: Quick, seal
> the docking door where the damaged vessel is.
MIKE: So I take it Odo quickly wants something done quickly?
> -But sir, they just left. said one of the Ensigns in Ops.
CROW: <laughing> Apparently, Odo really isn't that good at keeping an eye
on people.
> Quick, said Sisko,
TOM: ...someone get the author a thesaurus!
> engage the tractor beam and bring him back.
> With quick reflexes,
MIKE: ...they *quickly* engaged the tractor beam and *quickly* brought him
back.
> they nabbed him and brought him right back.
CROW: Quickly.
> The Romulans did not appreciate that last maneuver
TOM: Romulans just don't appreciate the subtle beauty of the tractor beam.
> as they hailed
> Deep Space Nine again:Why did you do that? said Moratedek
> furiously, That man and his crew are criminals and deserve to be
> punished for that.
MIKE: He must be a Republican.
> -And what did these people do to you? said Kira with a short
> grin.
CROW: Kira never takes anything seriously.
> Moratedek didn't seem to appreciate that question
TOM: So I guess the Romulans are just unappreciative.
MIKE: Yes. *Quickly* unappreciative.
> as he
> was looking around at his Officers, like if he was looking for an
> answer.
CROW: ...or the next line.
TOM: "Like if"? Is that a simile or a metphor?
MIKE: It's a simiphore. Or a metile.
> Well he fired on us and tried to run away; but we caught
> up to him and returned fire.
MIKE: Then we held him down and snagged on him.
> All that was in Romulan territory.
> We consider that as an act of war. He should be destroyed. Hand
> him in to us or must we come and get him.
CROW: I am so angry. Shall I show you how angry I am.
> As soon as he
> pronounced those last words, Moratedek hung up.
TOM: Thank you for calling 1-800-COLLECT. Your charge is 400,000 credits.
> Sisko
> immediately sent security Officers to the docking bay where the
> ship is located. Once there, they took him in to custody and
> interviewed him.
MIKE: ...for the job opening in Engineering.
> But unfortunately, he refused to answer any
> questions and surrender to the Romulans. Sisko then hailed back
> the "Gearth"
CROW: Rush Limbaugh?
TOM: No, that would be "girth."
> and told Captain Moratedek about his unwillingness
> to cooperate. Furious, Moratedek said: Well we'll just have to
> bring him by force. As soon said, as soon done.
MIKE: Easier said, easier done.
CROW: Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.
> Suddenly,
> three Romulan officers beamed up on Ops.
TOM: Wouldn't it have made more sense to beam to, say, the brig?
> Unhappy of their
> unwarranted visit, Benjamin Sisko ordered the intruders off the
> space station. Seeing that they didn't budge at all, he decided
> to take offensive moves.
MIKE: He appeared on the Howard Stern show.
> He took out his phaser gun and fired on
> the gun held by one of the Romulans; thus destroying his weapon.
CROW: The Sisko Kid!
> The other two shot right back but Sisko took some safety
> precautions as he turned on the Neuroforsfield just in the nick
> of time.
TOM: Okay, now this is getting a little unbelievable. "Neuroforcefield"?
MIKE: It's like when you were a kid playing hide-and-seek, and you'd touch
something and yell "Base!" Well, the same technology applies here.
> That shield protects a person from any phaser or
> mechanical weapon.
CROW: And only Sisko has this shield. Uh-huh...
> Seeing that they were outnumbered and weak,
ALL: We're outnumbered and weak.
> the Romulans transported back to the "Gearth". The Romulans
> realized that they had a problem on their hands:
TOM: A problem called Maria.
> they couldn't
> just take the criminal away from the station. So, they decided
> to use some aggressive measures.
MIKE: Well, boarding the station and blasting them to space dust didn't
work... let's try some agressive measures!
> They hailed the Space station
> and said: Hand over the prisoner to us or we'll destroy you.
CROW: If you do, then we'll just turn on our magic force field! Nanny
nanny boo boo!
> Sisko was worried, the Romulan vessel is much stronger than the
> spacestation. As he was thinking,
TOM: ...several hours later...
> Lieutenant Dax said:Ben, they
> are locking their phasers on us, they're firing!
> -shields up. said Sisko with a panicky scream.
MIKE: Someone get Sisko his Ridlin, and a copy of the Hitchhiker's Guide!
> The reflex was
> good as the shields went up just as the beam headed towards Deep
> Space Nine.
CROW: It's a good thing DS9 crewmembers can move faster than light!
> There was no damage but one injury.
TOM: Awww, Sisko stubbed his widdle toe.
> Doctor Bashir
> attended to the victim immediately.
MIKE: Good thing the doctor was *right there*.
> Commander Sisko then hailed
> the Romulans. He stated that war is no solution to the problem.
CROW: <hippie> Like, give peace a chance, man.
>
>
>
>
> But the enemy wouldn't listen.
TOM: Pinko commie Romulan bastards!
> All they cared about was getting
> the prisoner and leaving.
MIKE: Hey, if it shortens the story, they can *have* him.
> Maybe we can talk this over? said
> Sisko. But the Romulans still ignored them. Then, the prisoner
> spoke up and said:
CROW: I am not a number! I am a human being!
> Let me go, I am causing too much trouble.
> Just then, Quark, the barkeep appeared from the turbolift. He
> said: Before you leave, you must try my excellent food.
ALL: WHAT?!
MIKE: Once again, this story *astounds* me with its stupidity.
> I'll
> even give you a special "going away" rebate.
> -Oh knock off it, said Odo, leave at once.
CROW: Ha ha! Oh, the witty rapartee!
> -Sheesh, nobody lets me do some marketing. Oh madam, I...
TOM: "Madam"? Who the heck is he talking to?!
MIKE: Maybe Quark is delusional? That would explain why he's in Ops, trying
to sell *food*, of all things.
> -Good, he's gone, now where were we.
CROW: In a cheesy fanfic, I believe.
>
> During that time, no one was paying attention to the criminal.
TOM: Least of all the author.
> They looked around but couldn't find him. He's here, said
> Moratedek.
> -But... Sisko responded.
MIKE: No buts, no cuts, no coconuts. <stupid laugh>
> -He volunteered to come here himself. Interrupted Moratedek.
CROW: Apparently, he has the ability to transport himself anywhere,
instantaneously. Said Crow.
> The Romulans lowered their shields, disarmed all their disrupter
> rays and started to leave
TOM: Does this mean the story's almost over?
ALL: YAY!!
> when, the starbase's tractor beam
> activated and caught the "Gearth".
ALL: BOO!!
> Soon, the Romulan ship was
> back near the station and the screen lit up with
MIKE: ...a huge explosion, killing everyone in Ops!
> Moratedek
> speaking: What is the meaning of this? Shouted the Captain with
> all his might.
CROW: "Floozlegronk"! What does this word mean?
> Sisko explained all he had to tell and both
> leaders, Sisko and Moratedek started negotiations.
TOM: Wow! They go from threatening each other to negotiating in just a few
sentences!
> The starfleet
> crew pondered the whole time about their first big thriller since
> their arrival here.
MIKE: Michael Jackson was performing in the promenade!
> At the end of the talks,
CROW: They start negotiations, the crew ponders, the negotiations end. Is
that a good example of "compression of time"?
TOM: No, it's just an example.
> it was decided that
> the just the captain of the prisoner ship would be sent to a
> federation prison.
MIKE: <reporter> The trial of Capt. Captain C. Captain will begin today...
> Sisko arranged transport for the criminal and
> in 6 days, the trial started.
CROW: Oh, good, are we going to see *that*, too?
> Assisting was the Romulans and 3
> Deep Space Nine officers of low rank who happened to be in Ops at
> the time of the crisis.
TOM: Hi, we're extras.
> The judge sentenced him to 2 years in
> the brig for instigating a war and attack on a allied vessel.
ALL: <hum Dragnet music>
> The rest of the felon's crew was let go because they were not
> responsible for that act; it was the Captain's orders.
MIKE: Captain Ron's orders!
> The
> Romulans were thanked for their cooperation and returned back to
> their home space.
CROW: Man, I really feel like I *knew* all those characters! I'm really
gonna miss them!
>
> Along the next following months, the Starbase crew kept on
> improving the station,
TOM: ...by planting trees along the docking ring.
> Quark keeps on cheating his customers and
> Odo still nabs him and makes him pay back the money which he
> gypped.
MIKE: <chuckling> I'm guessing that Alex Buchanan is 7, maybe 8 years old.
> Keiko, Chief O'Brien's wife is now the school teacher.
CROW: She grades papers that look like this story.
TOM: And gives them F's.
> She has 12 students including Jake Sisko, the Commander's son,
> Ahmied, Quark's child
MIKE: Whoa! This is new!
CROW: I think Alex mis-read the press release.
> and will soon have her daughter who is
> presently 2 years of age. Chief O'Brien is fixing all the
> defective machines.
TOM: ...at once. He's amazing, really.
> Dax is playing hard-to-get with Bashir.
MIKE: It got easier after the restraining order.
> And
> the space station is maintaining pretty well. The prisoner from
> the ordeal is still serving his time.
CROW: An ordeal. That's a good word for this fanfic.
> You want to know about the Romulans?
ALL: No!
> Well, they had a navigational problem and they hit an
> asteroid. The whole ship blew up: No survivors.
ALL: <laugh and groan at the same time>
TOM: <sighing> Just bear with us here, folks. It's almost over.
> Now what?
MIKE: We could ask you the same thing.
> Oh! you want to see some illustrations.
ALL: NO!!!
> Well turn the page and enjoy!
CROW: Don't tell me he's managed to squeeze some ANSI art into this thing!
>
> Alex Buchanan
>
TOM: Oh, thank God it's over!
MIKE: Memo to Alex's dad: never EVER let this child near a word processor
again!
>
>
>
> = CUT HERE= =
CROW: My wrists. Right here.
MIKE: Crow, you don't have wrists.
> --
> Joe Young Tivoli Systems, Inc
> Systems Administrator 9442 Capital of Texas Highway North
> joseph...@tivoli.com Arboretum Plaza One, Suite 500
> Phone:(512) 502-4720 Austin TX 78759
>
>
CROW: Joseph F. Young: the Sandy Frank of fanfic distributors.
TOM: Come on, guys, let's get outta here.
[Mike picks up Tom, and they all leave the theater.]
*...1...2...3...4...5...6...
[SOL. Close-up on a card leaning standing on an easel. It says "SCHOOL
PLAY: 'Star Trek: Deep Space Nine'." Below that, it reads "Revenge of the
Romulans, by Alex Buchanan." A piano is playing a simple tune that
one might hear at an elementary school play. The camera pulls back and
Mike enters. When he speaks, he sounds like a small child nervously
reciting from memory.]
MIKE: And now, Mrs. Smith's third-grade class presents our school play,
called "Revenge of the Romulans."
[Mike exits stage right. The music changes to another simple tune. Crow
enters from the left. He is wearing a DS9 costume that looks like his
mother made it for him. Like Mike, he talks like a small child in a play.]
CROW: Hello. I am Ben Sisko. My, what a nice day. I think I'll make a
list of my crewmembers.
[Mike and Gypsy enter from the left. They are also wearing cheesy DS9
costumes. Gypsy has a toaster attached to her front tube area.]
CROW: Why, it's Dax and Bashir.
MIKE: <to Gypsy> Say, Dax, you look nice today.
GYPSY: Uh...
[Everyone is silent, waiting for Gypsy to delver her line. Then Tom leans
forward from off-screen so we can just see his head.]
TOM: <whispering> I used to be a man, you know.
GYPSY: I used to be a man, you know!
[Tom ducks back off-screen.]
MIKE: I know. Hee hee hee.
[Gypsy's toaster falls off, and she looks stunned. She runs off-screen,
embarrased. Suddenly the piano music becomes more sinister, and Tom
enters from the right. He is wearing a Romulan costume.]
CROW: Oh no! It's an evil Romulan!
TOM: I demand that you hand over your prisoner to me.
CROW: I don't wanna.
TOM: Then I will shoot you with my disruptor gun.
[Tom whips out a gun that is obviously made of common household items.]
TOM: BANG!
[Crow doesn't fall down.]
TOM: No fair! You're dead!
CROW: Uh, yeah, I turned on my super-special force field and now you can't
hurt me! It's ten times stronger than your stupid laser gun!
TOM: Oh yeah? Well, I pull out my super-duper death ray! It's a thousand
times better than your force field!
CROW: Then I activate my hyper-super-cool force field, and it's *infinity*
times better than your gun!
TOM: Nuh-uh! My gun's infinity-plus-one times better!
[The exchange breaks down into a shouting match. They get up to "infinity-
times-infinity-plus-one" before Mike breaks it up.]
MIKE:<harsh whisper> Hey, guys! Guys!!
[Tom and Crow suddenly remember what they're supposed to be doing.]
CROW: Uh... <clears throat> Please, we must keep the prisoner so we can
punish him ourselves.
TOM: Okay. You win.
[The music changes back to the original tune. Gypsy re-enters, still
sans toaster. Mike and the bots line up facing the camera.]
MIKE: And that ends our play, "Revenge of the Romulans." Please stay for
refreshments in the gym.
[They all take a short bow. Then the Mads' light starts flashing, and Mike
presses it.]
[D13. Frank is laughing and applauding, while Forrester looks generally
displeased.]
FRANK: Delightful! <laughs> Why, that was just... delightful! <laughs again>
You all were so... delightful! With the... thing... and the...
<laughs> Delightful! Wasn't that delightful, Steve?
[While Frank is still fawning over the play, Forrester walks back and picks
up his mind control machine. He carries it forward and smashes Frank over
the head with it, accidentally hitting the button in the process.]
\ | /
\ | /
--- O --- Pwoosh!
/ | \
/ | \
FRANK: Ugh... delightful... erg...
[Roll credits...]
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and all characters and situations therein are
the copyright of Best Brains, Inc. I am not charging money for this, and I
have no money anyway, so don't sue me. Also, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
and all characters, etc, are the property of Paramount Pictures. Ditto on
the sueing part. This MiSTing is *not* a personal attack on Alex Buchanan
or the alt.star-trek.creative newsgroup. It is meant in fun and games and
should not be taken seriously.
> Please dock at gate 3, that's the wing with the big
> "three" on it. Ha! Ha! Ha! See you later.