Conspiracy That Never Ends- MSTed

[Flexidisk]

Hi, gang! Flex here, with another MSTed nugget of joy from alt.conspiracy!
This one is just so awful, and I'm too much of an old-style die-hard fan, that
I'm turning back the clock to about the fifth season, so Joel can lead the bots
in razzing this paranoid offering! However, the comments still will be
current, for personal reasons... Enjoy!
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(Intro to MST3K: Fifth Season plays.)
(1...2...3...4...5...6)

(We enter the SoL, to a scene with Joel & The Bots. They're enjoying a healthy
game of cards.)

Joel: (Noticing the audience) Oh, hello, I'm Joel. Welcome to the Satellite of
Love! (Plays a card) The Bots and I are here playing a game of Rummy, Bot
Style.

Crow: Yeah, (Takes a card with his beak, and plays one down.) Since we've
played Gin Rummy and ordinary Rummy to death, Tom, Joel, and I whipped up a
version of our own!

Tom: Yeah! (Somehow manages to play a card with his doll arms) When you run
out of cards, you get to cover your oppenents in buckets of pig fat and
feathers!

Joel: I keep telling you, it's supposed to be *tar* and feathers.. (Plays
another card)

Crow: Yeah, well, try and get a hot bucket of tar up here, and *then* we'll do
it that way!

Magic Voice: Ace of Spades, boys... Commercial Sign.

Joel: (Hits the commercial sign) We'll be right back.

(Various Stupid Comedy Central Commercials)

(We come back to the SoL. Tom and Crow are covered in feathers, and looking
very cross at Joel.)

Crow: Hey, you cheated! You can't play a five of Spades now!

Joel: Yeah, I can.. It was going against Tom's run, remember?

Crow: Oh, yeah..

(Mad Sign)

Joel: (Putting away the cards) Oh, the Dynamic Duo is calling us.

(Gizmonic Industries)

Dr. F.: Hello, lab rats. I see that Crow and Tom are dressing up as chickens
again.

(SoL)

(Joel holds the bots back from going through the screen)
Joel: Yeah, well, it's a long story.

(G.I.)

Dr. F.: Well, since it seems you have bot problems, I'll go first with the
Invention Exchange. Frank, get over here!

Frank (Off screen, whines): I don't wanna!

Dr. F.: Get over here!

Frank (Still off screen): No!

(Dr. F goes off screen, and returns, dragging Frank behind him. Frank is
dressed in lehderhosen.)

Dr. F.: Now we can begin. My invention this week is the automatic Lederhosen
Washer, helpful for our German friends out there. (Leads Frank to a sinister
looking box.) It washes the lederhosen right on the person, so they can go
back to climbing mountains, or yodeling, or whatever.

(Dr. F. shoves Frank in. Various painful sounds can be heard, from buzzsaws,
to drills, to Frank yelling.)
(Back on the SoL, you can see Joel and the Bots wincing at the sounds.)

Dr. F. (Yelling above the noise): Well, the job should be done soon!!
(A bell goes off. Dr. F. goes to the other end, and opens the door. Back on
the SoL, you can see Joel and the Bots become shocked.)
Tom: Oh, I think I'm gonna be sick!

(G.I.)
(Dr. F. Closes the door. Frank can be heard moaning.)
Dr. F.:Well, I suppose I can work the bugs out later. Well, Joel? What's your
offering?

(SoL)

(Joel is seen holding a strange looking trumpet, that looks like a trumpet
combined with a one-man band.)

Joel: Well, sir, this is what I can my Synthe-Trumpet.
Crow: We've taken every instrument known to man, and compacted it in this one
compact item!
Joel: Listen. (He blows into it. A full orchestration of Beethoven's Fifth can
be heard.) What do you think, sirs?

(G.I.)
(Dr. F. can be seen sweeping up in the foreground.)

Dr. F.: Yeah, wonderful. Anyway, in memorial to dear hurt Frank, I'm sending
you a little nugget of joy, from a newsgroup I scanned recently.

(SoL)

Tom: Alt.fan.teri.hatcher?
Crow: Alt.Fan.crow-T-robot?
Joel: What?
Crow: A wish..

(G.I.)
Dr. F.: None of the above. I've culled a gem from alt.conspiracy!

(SoL)
All:AAAHHH!!!!

(G.I)
Dr. F.: Exactly. Have fun!

(SoL)

Crow (Still spitting out feathers): So, about that three of diamonds..

Joel: Well, it dosen't matter now, cause we've got... PARANOIA SIGN!!!!!

(6...5...4...3...2...Theatre)

Crow: Still, about the card..
Joel: Yeah, ok.. the 3 was cheating..
Tom: Shh!! Paranoid rantings!

>>Subject: Conspiracy that Never Ends
Joel: Is that someway related to the Song that Never Ends?
Crow: (singing) This is the song.. (Joel clamps his beak shut)

>>From: efla...@garnet2.acns.fsu.edu (Edward Flaherty)
>>Date: 14 Jun 1997 13:41:49 GMT
Tom: General Mime Time?
Joel: Haven't we done that joke to death already?
The Bots: Yeah, so?

>>Message-ID: <5nu72t$gh$1...@news.fsu.edu>
>>
>> The Conspiracy That Never Ends
Crow: (Singing) This is the song that (Joel clamps his beak again)

>>
>> by George Johnson
Tom: And we're all happy he gave this to us..

>>
>> WHILE most of the world waited for news of the official
Crow: Spam Day...

>>investigation into the Oklahoma bombing, callers and talk show hosts on
>>World Wide Christian Radio, the Nashville shortwave station that has
>>become the shrill voice of the far right
Joel: And what a shrill voice it is!

>>, had it all figured out:
Crow: It was all Barney's fault!
Joel and Tom: Barney!! AAAHHH!!

>>the Federal Building was destroyed as part of a plot by the United States
>>Government,
Crow: To rid the world of Ding-Dongs.
Tom: To make the makers of Barney fess up to their crimes against humainty.

>>acting on behalf of a secret international cabal
Tom: TBS!
Joel: Secret International Cabal? How much do you have to pay to get that
hooked up to your TV?
Crow: That's secret!

>>, the New
Tom: Brady Bunch!

>>World Order,
Crow: Not to be confused with a certain wrestling gang,

>>whose symbol
Joel: A chicken picking its nose..
Tom: Huh?
Crow: Ooohh.. he means the symbol for the Secret Organization on Spy Hard!
Tom: But the chicken in that wasn't picking its nose..
Joel: Well, it looked like that to me..

>>, the cold staring eye in the pyramid, mocks
>>Americans from the back of every one dollar bill.
Tom: (In the voice of the pyramid) Nyah hah! Your money is worthless in half
the world!

>> Within days, the bombing had been tightly woven into
Joel: A beautiful down comforter
The Bots: Ooooh...

>>the sprawling conspiracy theories that have obsessed some Americans since
Tom: Last week.

>>the beginning of the Republic.
Crow: What does Star Wars have to do with conspiracy thoeries?
Joel: That comes in another message..

>>The historian Richard Hofstadter coined the phrase
Tom: "A penny a day keeps the doctor away."
Crow: Dr. Hofstadter never could get old phrases right..

>> "the paranoid style in American politics" to describe this
>>pathological world view in which history is a
Joel: Bright red apple sitting on a tree?
Tom: Guss that would make Crow the worm..
Crow: Hey! I heard that!

>> Manichean struggle between
Joel: (In a southern accent) The No'th and the South?
Tom: Cheese and crackers?
Crow: Barney and Sesame Street?

>>the forces of light and of darkness. The conspiratorial fantasies are not
>>simply an expression of inchoate fear.
Joel: They're an expression of their arsty side.

>>There is a shape, an architecture,
Tom (In a snooty, art critic voice): A certain gen e se qua...
Crow: Jenney Said what?

>>to the paranoia.
>>
>> Rule No. 1:
Joel: The coustomer is always right!
Tom: That's the Rule No. 1 of buisness!
Joel: Oh, yeah..

>>The conspirators are internationalist in their sympathies.
>>In this century the main targets of conspiracy theories have been
Tom: Barney, Ritz crackers and gravy.
Crow: Regis, Kathie Lee, and swamp gas.
Joel: Star Wars, Supertramp, and The Bee Gees.

>>Jews, depicted as people whose loyalty to fellow Jews makes them
>>endemically antipatriotic, and international Communism. The United Nations
>>is suspect
Tom: Only because they've done too much to help the world stay in peace.

>>, as is the Trilateral Commission, the Council on Foreign
>>Relations, Interpol and even the Red Cross because they supposedly place
Joel: Human lives above common, petty, greed?

>>international agendas above patriotic concerns.
Crow: But wait, all of those *are* international!
Tom: That's just the problem.

>>In the 19th century, the chief conspirators were said to be
Joel: Swamp Gas and the KKK.
Crow: Regis and Kathie Lee.
Tom: Cows and chickens.

>> the Vatican and the Freemasons. In the mind of today's political paranoiacs,
which include
>>some militia members, followers of the Liberty Lobby (the Holocaust-is-a-myth
crowd)
>>and the Ku Klux Klan, all these groups are mushed together into the
Tom: International Group of Kooks and Wackos.
Crow: World Organization for Idiotic Ideas.

>>New World Order, or One World Government.
>>
>> The first rule is of more than academic historical interest because of
>>Rule No. 2:
Tom: The world is bad.
Crow: Kippers before lunch, or no dessert.
Joel: Please pass the butter.

>> In a conspiracy theory, nothing is ever discarded.
Crow: Even three-year old mayonaise containers? Eeewww!!

>>Right-wing mail order bookstores still sell the "Protocols of the Elders
>>of Zion," the anti-Semitic fantasy hatched in Russia a century ago.
>>Another big seller is "Proofs of a Conspiracy, " a 1797 book reprinted by
>>the John Birch Society, which fueled speculation that a Freemasonic group
>>called the Order of the Illuminati plotted with the Jeffersonians to
>>turn over the fledging United States to followers of French Enlightenment
>>philosophy -- the 18th century equivalent of secular humanism.
Crow: And finally, the most popular book of all...
Tom: "How To Be a Psychotic Wacko In Thirty Days or Less."

>> This brings us to Rule No. 3:
Joel: Buying in bulk helps save money.
Tom: Joel, that's Rule #3 of How to Buy on a Budget!
Joel: Oops..

>> Seeming enemies are actually secret
Tom: Enemies.

>>friends. As evil as the Communists, in the right-wing mind, are
>>the Rockefellers and international bankers (often a synonym for
>>Jews). Through the lens of the conspiracy theorists, capitalists and
>>Communists
Joel: Are actually big sissies that won't share.

>>work hand in hand.
Tom: I hope they washed those hands.

>> To what end?
Tom: Um, I don't know?

>> That's Rule No. 4:
Joel: To what end?!?!? That's Rule No.4?
Crow: Must be running out of plausible rules..

>> The takeover by the international godless government will be ignited by
Tom: A real giant match!
Crow: Ooh, I hope they don't store that around gasoline..

>>the collapse of the economic system.
>>In an elaborate decades-long check-kiting scheme
Crow: A scheme where they make kites out of checks?
Joel: Well, they had to do *something* with them.

>>since the dollar was removed from the gold standard, the Federal Reserve has
been
Tom: Dancing the Macarena in joy.
Crow: Marcarena!! AAAHHH!!

>>creating money out of thin air.
All: Wish I could do that..

>> Once the conspirators give the word, the
>>bankers will
Tom: All put on funny clown hats and tap-dance in the vaults.

>>yank out the rug from this house of cards and your money
>>will be worthless.
Crow: What do cards have to do with bankers?
Tom: It's a real bad metaphor.
Crow: Ah.

>>
>> As a sign that the conspirators have taken over the currency, they had
>>printed on the back a Freemasonic symbol:
Joel: That chicken picking his nose!
The Bots: Joel!!

>>the all-seeing eye of
Crow: Barney!
All: AAAHH!!

>>the enlightened ones perched atop the pyramid.
Crow: Dosen't perching on atop a pyramid hurt?
Tom: Apparently not, when you're an all-seeing eye...

>>And there, under the emblem, is their name:
Joel: Lambda Lambda Lambda!
Crow: Aincent Order of Kooks and Wackos!
Tom: Didn't we use that already?
Joel: No that was the *International Group* of Kooks and Wackos.
Tom: Ah.

>>Novus Ordo Seclorum.
Tom: Which, roughly translated, means: Ha, Ha, We Hate You..
Crow: No, it means: Nervous Over Seclusoin.
Joel: You're both wrong. It means: We're a Bunch of Kooks and Wackos.
Tom: We're really beating that to death, aren't we?
Crow: So?

>> Finally, Rule No. 5:
Joel: Never, ever, stick your hand in.
Tom: No, that's Rule # 5 in the Garbage Disposal Repair Book..
Joel: Aah.

>>It's all spelled out in the Bible.
>>For those with a fundamentalist bent, the New World Order or One World
>>Government is none other than
Tom: A bunch of fun-loving guys.
Crow: Who slap eachother with fish, and quote Monty Python.

>>the international kingdom of the Antichrist,
>>described in the Book of Revelation. Revelation also speaks of the "mark
>>of the beast," a symbol of the satanic leader that will be imprinted on
>>everyone's forehead and right hand. Fundamentalist preachers like Hal
>>Lindsey have popularized the notion that the mark of the beast is
Tom: Regis Philbin's receeding hairline.

>>the
>>zebra-striped Universal Product Code, which will be tattooed on everyone
>>by laser to increase the
Crow: Cost of everybody!

>>acuity of the panoptic big eye.
Tom: There goes Barney's eye again.

>> We may never know what went through the real conspirators' minds when,
Joel: They came up with this dumb idea!

>>as investigators say, they rented a truck, packed it full of fertilizer
>>and fuel oil, and ignited it where it would do the most harm. But
>>if they hung out at militia meetings, or even just tuned in occasionally
>>to WWCR, they would have been exposed to this kind of thinking, over and
>>over and over again.
Crow: Like us?
Tom: Exactly.
Crow: I think it's over!!
Bots: YAAAY!
Joel: Nope, there's still the signature.
Bots: Awww...

>>--
Crow: It's the secret symbol of the International Order of Kooks and Wackos!!
Tom: It's just two hyphens...
Crow: Exactly!

>>Edward Flaherty
Joel: Not *the* Edward Flaherty!
Bots: Ooooh!

>> Web Site:
Crow: www.I'm.a.kook.com

>>Department of
Tom: Weird and Unusual Ideas.

>>Economics http://garnet.acns.fsu.edu/~eflahert
>>Florida State University Fax:
Crow: Just the Fax, ma'am.
Joel: Crow! That was real bad!
Crow: So?

>>(904) 644-4535
>>efla...@garnet.acns.fsu.edu
Joel: *Now* it's over!
Bots: YAAAY!

(Theater...1....2....3....4....5...6)

(Doors Close, we see Joel & The Bots)
Crow: That was kinda interesting, in a Unabomber-esque way...
Tom: Whatever..
Joel: Mm Hmm.. Well, sirs?

(Gizmonic Industries)
(Dr. F. is still sweeping up bits of Frank. Frank's voice can be heard from
inside the box.)

Dr. F.: Well, Frank, you've done it again!
Frank (In the box): What did I do?
Dr. F.: You've broken the Lederhosen Washing Machine!
Frank (Still in the box): What? You shoved me in here!
Dr. F.: Oh, well.. Push the Button, Frank!

(Frank's hand can be seen coming from the box. He pushes the button.)
(Credits)

"The conspiratorial fantasies are not simply an expression of inchoate fear."

Mystery Science Theater 3000, and all characters therein is @1997 Best Brains
Inc.
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In the quote of Joel: "Well, sirs?"
Flex.

"Yes I'm crazy. Deal with it!"

Visit my Shadowrun page at members.aol.com/Flexidisk/index.html!!

"Come back here, you yellow bastards! I'll bite your kneecaps off!"
-Black Knight, MP&THG