[MSTing] Voyager: Stealth Wedgie - part 4 (Deja Version)
Freezer
my fault! (Mutters) Stupid, STUPID Deja and its mystery glitches...
they could have just SAID "No more than 2 URLs per post... - Freezer>>
>Seska: Silence, male underling!
>(she reaches behind and gives him a fast wedgie)
>Kazon: OW! Yes, Seska!
Crow: Guys? You beginning to think we're just not giving wedgies in the
right way?
Tom: [Mighty Announcer Voice] Yes! You too can bring entire warrior
races to their knees with the power of THE WEDGIE!!!
>Seska: That's MAGE Seska, male worm!
Joel: "Mage?" They've been exposed to Magic: The Gathering too?
Tom: I'll believe that would work much faster than wedgies to cow a
society.
>Kazon: I mean, YES, Mage Seska!
>Seska: That's better. Now tell the captain our terms.
>Kazon: Uh, yes, Mage. We're willing to make a deal Captain.
>Janeway: I'm listening.
Joel: [Kazon] We're willing to give you 5.5% financing, but we're going
to need a little more for a down payment...
>Kazon: You can have your wedgie technology back--in return for
>transporter technology.
Tom: What?!? "Wedgie Technology?" That's like saying "Bird-flipping
technology" or "Punch-throwing Technology"
>Janeway: Over my dead body.
>Kazon: That can be arranged. Fire weapons!
Tom: NRRRGH!!!
Crow: Get the extinguisher ready, Joel...
>Seska: Belay that order!
>(Seska gives the Kazon another hard wedgie)
>Kazon: OOww! That hurt!
Joel: This is like watching Frank and Dr. F!
>Tuvok: I now see the danger of wedgie technology. In no time, Seska
has
>brought the entire Kazon race to its knees.
Tom: So they were so paryilized with fear of wedgies that they couldn't
- oh, I don't know - SHOOT HER?!?
>Seska: I'm giving them all our secrets, Chakotay! Like the power-
>wedgies you and I gave to the enemy, back in the days of wine and
>roses!
Crow: [Chakotay] I gotta admit - those were fun times!
>Chakotay: I'll get you for this, Seska!
>Kazon: We want your transporter technology NOW or you all die!
Tom: EEEE!!!! [Starts smoking. Joel douses him with an extinguisher]
Tom: SIGH! Thanks, Joel!
>Seska: I said, not YET, you miserable cur!
>(Seska gives the Kazon another cruel, two-fisted wedgie)
All: OWIE!
>Kazon: AARGH! On second thought, just TAKE the wedgie technology back!
>I don't know why we wanted this scourge to begin with! It's destroying
>us!
Joel: Wedgies corrupt. Absolute wedgies corrupt absolutely.
>Janeway: I'll bet it is.
>Kazon: Tuvok! Please, do as we discussed secretly: Erase Seska's
>frontal lobe of all wedgie skill and knowledge: Kazon Security Access
>Code Beta Alpha Four!
All: HUH?!?
>Tuvok: Transfering authorization...Erasure complete.
Crow: Da hell?!? Seska's got a chip in her head?
Joel: Tuvok IS Charles Xavier IN "X-Men: Voyager!"
>Kazon: Aha, Seska! Now I'm in charge again!
>Seska: Y-y-yes, Mage. Sorry, Mage.
Tom: But that...And then... But she... [starts shaking]
>Janeway: Now get the hell out of here, Kazon!
>Kazon: Helmsman; back to the home world, Warp Two!
Crow: This fic just hit a wormhole to the WTF quadrant!
>(View screen goes out; the Doctor pops on)
>Doctor: Well, Captain, Mr. Tuvok, you've saved the day. The threat of
>wedgies in the Delta Quadrant is no more.
Joel: Well, technically it's not since they all know how to give
wedgies.
Crow: I guess they need to kill themselves.
Joel: It's the only thing that makes sense anymore!
Tom: [Makes anguished squeak, starts smoking again]
>Chakotay: But how did they sneak on our ship to give us stealth
>wedgies?
Tom: [Smoking slightly less] Yeah! How did they?
>Janeway: The wedgies were performed by virtual reality on the Kazon
>ship's holodeck. Then they were sent here in holographic form through
>sub-space transmission.
Tom: BUT...THE KAZON... THEY DON'T *HAVE* HOLODECKS!!! [Smoking and
shaking furiously]
Crow: I think we should take cover, Joel...
>Torres: Why couldn't our sensors pick them up?
>Doctor: They were transmitted through simple sound waves,
Tom: [sounding agonized] SOUND CAN'T TRAVEL THROUGH SPACE!!!
>too high-pitched for humanoids to hear--much like a whistle only dogs
>can hear. I was slightly conscious of them, because they came in
>holographically, and I am a hologram. And Mr. Neelix was able to
>slightly sense the transmissions, as his people are descended from
>domesticated canine-like mammals on his home world.
Joel: [Tilts head to one side, then the other] Nope. That makes no
sense from any angle.
Crow: Wordy, yet confusing, and you can't really dance to it. I give it
a 53.
>Neelix: (giggle) Well, what can I say? Woof woof!
Joel and Crow: ARSENIOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HAAAAAALL!!!
Tom: [Glowing faintly] ...
>Tuvok: But I got the clearest signal of all. After I mind-melded with
>the dog brain, I was able to sense high-pitched sound waves, and heard
>actual Kazon voices on our ship.
Crow: So reading dog's minds can give you super hearing?
Joel: Tuvok in Grant Morrison's "Animal Man!"
>Torres: ...Which were projected here from THEIR ship! DAMMIT, DAMMIT,
I
>should have known!
>(Torres punches and kicks console; it cracks, and sparks fly)
Crow: Whoa! Decaf!!!
Tom: [Glowing brighter] NNNNN...
>Janeway: Easy, B'Elanna
>Chakotay: Captain! Stop picking on her because she's Maquis!
Joel: She kinda hasn't mentioned the Maquis since - what? Since season
three?
>Tuvok: All of my ears became quite sensitive to the sounds. After
that,
>we merely contacted the Kazon, and offered to meet.
Crow; Umm... I'm completely lost here.
>Janeway: What do you mean ALL your ears; you only have two.
>Tuvok: I do not. I have three. Only two are visible.
Joel: [Tuvok - Come on voice] Unless you ask me nicely.
>Doctor: Mr. Tuvok is correct.
>Janeway: THREE ears?
>Tuvok: Yes, as do all Vulcans: A left ear...A right ear...and a Final
>Front Ear!
>(they all laugh)
Joel and Crow: GROOOAN!!!
Tom: AIIIEEEE!!!! <<BOOM!!>> [Tom sits there with his head smoking.]
Joel: I think that means it's time to go... [Grabs Tom by his base.
All leave]
>THE END
[In the background we see, Joel repairing Tom Servo. In the foreground
are Crow and Gypsy.]
Crow: While Joel is patching up Tommy, Gypsy and I would like to talk to
you about some disturbing things we saw in today's story.
Gypsy: In today's story we saw the wedgie - that time honored,
good-natured torture technique - distorted and perverted into some sort
of legendary source of terror.
Crow: We can only assume from this that some time in the future, the
wedgie will travel from locker rooms and high school hallways, into some
far away battlefield. Where it will become the unholy scourge it became
in today's story.
[Joel and a newly repaired Tom step to the foreground]
Joel: You the reader can help prevent this hellish future. We urge you
to use wedgies responsibly. Limit your wedgie use to only good friends,
or to people you want to embarrass in a painful way.
Tom: And don't stop there. Teach you children the correct way to deliver
a wedgie and instill in him the responsibility that goes along with it.
Make sure he knows when to say wedgie.
Crow: There's so much you can do to help keep the wedgie pure! Start
wedgie giving classes at the local community center.
Gypsy; You can start a neighborhood wedgie newsletter!
Tom: Petition your local school board to add wedgie to the curriculum!
Joel; You see, people of earth? Together we can make sure that the
wedgie will survive for our children, and our children's children for
generations to come. Help us, won't you?
All: [Singing] W-E-D-G-I-E... *WEDGIE!!!*
Joel: What do you think, sirs? [Hits Mads button]
[D-13]
Dr.F: You call that a disturbing look into the future, Boobie. But *I*
call it inspiring! I've been experimenting for years on wedgie
techniques. And that story... <SNIFF!!> It gives me hope that all my
hard work will not be for naught. <SIGH!> Ah, the future shall be a
glorious place! Push the button, Frank!
[Enter Frank, who seems to have the waistband of his underwear pulled up
over his head and hooked under his nose.]
Frank: [Slightly higher than usual] Live to serve ya!
>>>FWOOOSH<<<
\ | /
\ | /
--- * ---
/ | \
/ | \
Dr F: I think we'll try for the chin today, eh?
Frank: Mommy...
<<Well, so ends MiSTing #5. It took a little longer than the rest
because - at least until the ending - it wasn't nearly as bad. Special
thanks go out to my bud (and webmaster) Mickey Alderson (his address is
in my sig!) , for unearthing this story for me, and to the author Walter
Miller (Yes, he's a real guy! Check out his site at
208.239.13.53/walter.htm ) for giving me the green light to
sava... er... MST his work. And I hope he enjoys the end result.
And for the record, Walter told me that he doesn't hate Harry Kim. He
wrote him that way because, quote "it used to annoy me that the writers
in the early seasens used to make him act like too much like a kid. Same
thing with Geordi LaForge. They made Geordi such a wuss, complainning
about working long hours, etc, These are suposed to be big strong
musculor men in the military for Godsake. ">>
Mystery Science Freezer
Ep. 1: WWF Smackdown recap
Ep. 2: Scooby Did
Ep. 3: Voyager: S-Space, part 1
Ep. 4: Voyager: Stealth Wedgie
Mystery UGoS Theater (Wrestle-centric {and saltier language})
Ep. 1: Netcop Rant - Judgement Day 2000
Episode 5 is just around the corner... Peace out!
--
Freezer (Give someone you love a wedgie today!)
DCCMM.Com(my rasslin' writings) - http://www.dccmm.com/dccmm
The Horde Zone (MSTings and random weirdness) -
http://www.geocities.com/~mhorde/freezer
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