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MiSTed- Mind Tribes, part 1

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Currie1501

unread,

Sep 6, 1997, 3:00:00 AM9/6/97

Hi all. I ran across this on the web and decided it was fat and
juicy bot fodder. It was going to be a group MiSTing, but that fell apart
real quick, so I had to take it up myself. Oh well.

Tom "Father Mushroom" Currie
Head of the Ford Prefect Fan Club and Ambassador for a Free Luna, Novy
Leningrad Chapter
_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_
(Season 8 open)

(SoL. Everyone is gathered on the bridge, showing all the evidence of a
grand ol' time.)

MIKE: Hi out there! We at the SoL decided that it was time that we got
together and thought of all the fun we've had in Currie's MiSTings.
Remember _death ray weapons_, guys?
CROW(laughing): Yeah, that was a doozy all right! And you got Disco Fever
when we tried to kill you for the Devilbunnies reff!
TOM(laughing): Hey, yeah, that was great. Remember when you built that
jetski simulator for Mike?
MIKE(you guessed it, laughing): Yeah! You were pretty ticked when I ran
you over with it!

(Mike and Crow continue laughing heartily. Tom only chuckles a little,
like he doesn't really mean it.)

TOM: Heh heh... that kinda hurt, though...
CROW: And that time in 8>AOL SECRETS MUCK AND MAYHEM ONLINE when you kept
getting hurled into walls and bursting into flame?
TOM(weakly): Heh...
MIKE: And when you were testing beer and your insides shorted out?
CROW: And when I forced you into slavery by threatening you with bad German?
TOM: Hey, just a minute here.
MIKE: What?
TOM: I've noticed that in nearly all these new MiSTings, I'm seriously
damaged in some way. This guys got a grudge against me!
CROW: Are you sure?
TOM: Sure I'm sure!
MIKE: Don't you think you're jumping to conclusions?
TOM: Heck no! Can you remember yourselves getting seriously hurt?
(pause)
CROW: Mike dropped that cat on me once.
TOM: Gah! Pathetic!
MIKE: Everyone, while we get this straightened out, watch these
commercials for a while.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Okay, normally I would have a spoof commercial here, but those commercials
for Final Fantasy 7 are *deadly* cool.
----------------------------------------------------------
(SoL. Tom is lying on the counter trapped underneath an anvil.)

TOM: Yeah, I expected this to happen sooner or later.
MIKE: If it's any help, I believe your theory now.
TOM: Shut up, the superfreaks are calling.

(Rome. As people who read 8> AOL SECRETS MUCK & MAYHEM ONLINE must know,
Pearl is holding a party and invited Manuel O'Kelly(-Davis) from _The Moon
Is A Harsh Mistress_, Friday the genetically engineered lady courier from
_Friday_, and Juan Rico the Mobile Infantryman from _Starship Troopers_.
Friday and Observer are on a couch smoking cigarettes , with Friday leaning
her head on Observers shoulder. Manuel steps into the shot.)

MANNY: Uhm. Hi. You're the guys in the Satellite?

(SoL. Mike is trying to pull Tom out from beneath the anvil.)

CROW: Yeah.

(Rome)

MANNY: Hi. Gosphazha Forrester went to get more chips and dip. I stay
and look after Friday and guy with the brain. You wouldn't mind talking
for while, would you?

(SoL. Mike is trying to glue Tom's shattered dome together.)

MIKE: Sorry, we're kinda busy.

(Rome)

MANNY: Oh well. Guess I send you the thing for today.

(SoL)

ALL: What?

(Rome)

MANNY: That's the other thing she told me to do. I wish we could've
talked a while before it. It's this website thing about Mind Tribe aliens,
and all sorts of strange things.

(Manny starts pressing buttons on his arm, causing an antenna to rise
upout of it. On the couch, Friday absent-mindedly taps the ash of her
cigarette into Observer's brain bowl. Observer screams in pain.)

(SoL. Tom's dome is duct-taped together.)

MIKE: Aw great, net.lunacy!
TOM: My only hope is that the anvil damaged my brain to the point where I
can't read.

(UFO sign goes off)

MIKE: WE GOT UFO SIIIIIIIGGGGGGNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!

(6...5...4...3...2...1...Theatre)

>
>Captain "Van Flight" Speaks

MIKE: I had a van flight once. I was in a Nissan Quest and I hit the curb
going sixty miles an hour, and I tell you, that sucker dang near went into
orbit.

>
>Ezekiel Meets a Galactic Emissary

CROW(singing): Ezekiel saw the stupid website/ Way up in the middle of the
'Net...

>
>A Spiritual Science Fiction Story

TOM: Jesus Christ, Superstar Trek.
MIKE: Sounds like a crossover to me.
CROW: Can you imagine if that happened in a Marissa story?
MIKE: Yeah, Marissa would have the Son of God worshipping *her*.
TOM: We're gonna get a lot of angry e-mail about that.

>
>Click on Captain for full view: 162 K .gif

CROW: Full view of what? This is a text file.
MIKE: Don't worry, the author's gonna give us a description.

(The Captain is a serene-looking individual with blue skin, thinning hair,
and giant ears. A small fleet of flying saucers which he presumably
commands are zooming around in the background.)

TOM: Ross Perot!

>
>
>
>
>
>
>

CROW: Hello? Anyone out there?
TOM: The Truth is out there.
MIKE: He was that guy who was exposing darkness at a college or something,
wasn't he?
CROW: Different post.

>---------------------------------------------------------->--------------

MIKE: What is it this guy's subtracting?

>A long time ago, when stars were being formed in the Milky Way >galaxy,
>there lived a race of people at the center of the galaxy who had
>thoughts composed of energy, which were expressed in waves of >light and
>sound.

CROW: A civilization of Grateful Dead concerts?

>Light beings of the Central Civilization

TOM: There's supposed to be another picture there, right?
MIKE: Yeah, and if I could see it, I'd probably comment on how much it
looked like a picture of someone waving some flashlights around in a dark room.

>
>
>---------------------------------------------------------->--------------

CROW: The Million Hyphen March.

>
>Mind Tribes©

MIKE: A Mind Tribe Called Quest.

>
>and
>
>The Arrival of the Others

TOM: Sequel to The Invitation of the Others, and the Making of Party
Snacks for the Others.

>
>
>
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------------->--------------

MIKE: According to this old Boy Scout Handbook, he just said "o" 24 times
in Morse code.

TOM: |The pit of hell where this site was spawned|
MIKE: Why do we need to know the absolute value of these hyperlinks?

>
>
>Preface:
>
>
>
>

CROW: Interesting preface. Certainly an original way to start a story.

>Who are these other beings from beyond the stars? They are us!

MIKE: Who are these beings that publish silly websites? They are you!
TOM: Who are these beings that wish to end this all? They are us!

>
>In 1947, Earth was visited by an amazing race of people, some >of which
>were not successful in their inter-dimensional shift from hyper->space to
>our 3-D space that we see on Earth.

CROW: What happened to them?
MIKE: They got delayed in the transdimensional equivalent of Chicago.

>
When I was 7 years old, I >began to
>be educated by these beings, and today I can more comfortably
>share my
>vision with others.

(Beside this sentence is a multicolored "space alien" drawn in crayon,
with a bunch of arms and feet. It looks quite weird.)

CROW: Eeek! Don't share the vision with me, the picture alone gives me
the screaming wille-wallies!

>
>This web site includes other individuals who are also claiming >that
>aliens are among us,

MIKE: I tried to get 'em out, but then they threatened to probe me.

> as well as many more soon to
arrive. There >are
>space stations being built,

ALL(saying Mir like Jay Leno, which sounds like Mur): MIR! MIR!
MIRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

> movies being made,

CROW: That's your proof of aliens living among us?
TOM: How else do you explain all the people who saw those Adam Sandler movies?

>
X-Files being >produced,
>and UFO web sites by the hundreds, all of which mention

MIKE: The Kirk vs. Picard debate.

>
the >arrival of
>another race of people coming to earth. It is, therefore, obvious >that
>this display of data surrounding extraterrestrials and aliens >has much
>substance to offer considering that these aliens are already >here, and
>that we are host to their energy.

TOM: So he says that all these ninnies churning out UFO pages are actually
proof of the alien presence?
MIKE: It's proof of the increasing amount of global nuttiness, that's for sure.

>
>My particular role in this alien intervention was piloting a craft >from
>the Central Civilization to Earth.

CROW: So he claims that the increasing amount of UFO interest is evidence
of the aliens *and* that he himself has flown one of their ships around for
them?
TOM: If my suspension of disbelief was an airplane, it would've just lost
three engines and caught on fire.

> I
named the craft the Ether >Ship, but
>in fact I may never learn of its real name. I also transported >many
>other beings with me, and they were all safely introduced to >Earth.

CROW: Earth, meet the mysterious celestial beings. Mysterious celestial
beings, meet Earth.

>Slowly, I am finding other kindred spirits, and they will be >introduced
>to the web community as I find the time to display their images >and
>stories for others to see.

TOM: If there is a God, this guy will be too busy to find the images or
stories.

> I know this
sounds fantastic, and I >choose to
>communicate my experience using the science fiction metaphor

CROW: Finally, someone who *admits* their story is bunk.

>dealing
>with the UFO phenomenon. My unique experience has delivered >me ample
>resources and material to work with,

MIKE: I discovered an unknown patch of weirdness growing wild on the
Internet, and I harvested it to turn it into spiritual sci-fi web pages.

>
so if you are interested in
>participating with me in this journey please continue.

CROW(pleading): Please Mike, can we just gnaw our way through the door?
MIKE: Sorry, we have to stay here for the rest of the story.
CROW(turning head to sky): BLAST YOU, CURRIE!!! SOME DAY I WILL HAVE
VENGEANCE, AND YOU WILL BE FOUND STRANGLED BY YOUR OWN GORY INTESTINES!!!
VOICE: Shove a sock in it.
CROW(meekly): Okay.

>
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------------->--------------

TOM: Hey, we could make a dash for it!
CROW: Must you add more suffering with crummy puns?

>
>
>Introduction:

MIKE: Hi. I'm Michael J. Nelson, and these are my friends Crow T. Robot
and Tom Servo. You must be the mentally instable narrator.

>
>
>Who are the Mind Tribes?
>

CROW: Mensa members who reverted to the primitive tribal system, I guess.

>Mind Tribes are a collection of minds on a different plane than >the
>Earth sensory plane of minds. The Mind Tribes are capable of >traveling
>in the universe.

MIKE: Join the M.I. and see the Universe!

> They can filter through human minds to
create
>activities and/or inventions.

CROW: It was they who pioneered the development of the light-up yo-yo.

>
>Where do the Mind Tribes live?
>

TOM: Not here, if they're smart.

>The home of the Mind Tribes is the center of the galaxy. It is >there
>that their existence is made manifest through changing shapes >composed
>of sound and light energy waves.

MIKE: A race of superintelligent discotheques.

>
The consciousness of the Mind >Tribes
>would look like a sea of ever-changing blue-green lights in >many
>different geometrical shapes.

CROW: Although most of the time it looks like moldy jello.

> Through
collective thinking the >shapes
>appear.
>
>Why are they here?

TOM: They heard that you could get really good lobster here.

>
>The Mind Tribes travel throughout the universe at will, and they >search
>for other life forms. Planet Earth was detected as having high >energy
>waves emitting from its surface which attracted the Mind >Tribes.

MIKE: However, those Sci-Fi Channel "Postcards to the Edge" just zoomed
right past 'em.

>
>What will they do here?
>
>The Mind Tribes are now filtering through many aspects of >humankind's
>activities in order to create a more sustainable planet.

CROW(as member of the Mind Tribes): Well, we'll have to get rid of all
these pesky humans.

>
It has >been
>detected that there are imbalances in the human mind,

TOM: What else is new?
MIKE: Hey!

>
and >through energy
>diffusion the Mind Tribes will bring about a harmonious change >in the
>way humans interact with their planet.

CROW: The only way to do that is to make sure the humans *don't* interact
with the planet.
MIKE: You guys are getting a bit insulting...

>
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------------->--------------

CROW: Line dance.

>
>
>The story begins...

TOM: Dang.
MIKE: The pain begins...

>
>
>•Saga one:

CROW: The Next Generation.

>
>•Saga 2

MIKE: Electric Boogaloo.

>•Saga 3
>•Saga 4
>•Saga 5
>•Saga 6
>•Saga 7
>•Saga 8
>•Saga 9
>•Saga 10
>•Saga 11
>•Saga 12

CROW: Aren't sagas supposed to be real long?
TOM: Yeah, like epics.
MIKE: I think he's confusing "saga" with "chapter".
TOM: I think he's confusing "crud" with "webpage material".

>
>
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------------->--------------

CROW: Maybe it's a real long negative number.

>
>Spirit Path

TOM: Right next to the Spirit Fishpond, located conveniently by the Spirit
Daisymum Patch.

>
>
>
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------------->--------------

MIKE: You know, if I put this in my lawn, I'd have a fifty-dash yard.
TOM: D'OH!

CROW: Portal potties.

>
>
>
>

MIKE: That's one page finished. Prepare to hyperlink!
TOM(Picard voice): Engage.

(The screen suddenly turns into the view from the cockpit of the Millenium
Falcon. The stars do that neat-lookin' stretched-out effect to simulate
hyperspace, and Mike and the bots are pressed back into their seats. After
a few seconds, the stars return to normal, and the text screen reappears.)

CROW(queasy): Ooogh, I'll never get used to that.
MIKE(same): Tom, if you could feel around under your seat, just see if my
stomach is hiding down around there.

>Mind Tribes©
>
>and
>
>The Arrival of the Others
>
>with
>
>Captain Van Flight of the Central Civilization

TOM: South Central Civilization.

>
>Light beings of the Central Civilization

MIKE(singing): Lite Brite, Lite Brite...

>
>---------------------------------------------------------->--------------

CROW: An abstract emoticon!
MIKE: We've worn that gag a little thin, Crow.

ALL: <sigh> I wish.

>Earth Portal Controls |
>
>Saga one: The Signal
>
>
>The Central Civilization is approximately 30,000 light years >away from
>Earth,

CROW: So be sure to use the bathroom first, cause we ain't stoppin' along
the way.

> located at the center of the Milky Way Galaxy. The time >was
>approaching when all the crystalline forms in this Central >Civilization

MIKE: Will go through a lot of changes, like their voice changing, acne, a
new attitude about crystalline forms in this Central Civilization of the
opposite sex...

>would receive an energy beam which would signify the final >development
>of galactic communication, and the beginning of a new star >culture,
>based on Planet Earth.

CROW: Star Culture 3.0!

> It had taken over
10,000 years to finally >develop
>the light signal which was going to be pointed into space from >Earth,

MIKE: Bill Gates wanted a special just-for-Windows code, but Netscape
stood it's ground.
TOM(suddenly): ALLE HEIL MICROSOFT!
MIKE: What?
TOM: It's a drawback of having a Windows-compatible artificial
intelligence system.

>and then deflected off a space station antenna, into the main >matrix of
>the Central Civilization. Many times over the millenniums, the >Central
>Civilization had made tours of the universe seeking out new >suns in
>which to introduce new life;

CROW: What's with all the introductions?
MIKE: This guy must be a Miss Manners fan.

> however, the
time had arrived >when the b
>irth of a new star civilization was about to occur.
>
>"Will we be able to reach home?" asked Raline.

TOM(as Raline): My sweet gooey insides are getting hot, and my
honey-flavored outside is melting!
CROW: That's a praline.

>
>"I think so," was the reply, as Baruk tried to fit the last relay >into
>the interstellar transmitter.

MIKE: Oh, he's putting a speed dial number in his cellphone.

>
>Earth was getting ready to experiment with a new >communication device in
>which a laser was to be pulsed into space to carry important >information

CROW: And also to blow up a few inconveniently located planets.

>to the final receiver on a distant deep space- monitoring device. >This
>receiver was on the Colony Space Port built by a federation of >space
>scientists based on Earth.

TOM: It's a good thing that we were able to almost magically create a
deep-space colony in 3 years when we haven't even started to put the pieces
of Freedom together.(head starts to smoke)
MIKE: Don't worry, Tom, I'll see if I can give you some more Suspension of
Disbelief circuits.

> The time was
December 31st, 2000 >AD, and
>Earth was about to enter the 21st century. What Earth people >did not
>know

CROW: Could fill a library the size of a large moon.
MIKE: C'mon, we're not that bad.

> was that more than one receiver was going to get this
>information.
>This was the time the Central Civilization would be alerted to >the
>beginning of deep space exploration by another life form in the >galaxy.

MIKE: That way, they could prepare their fleets of deadly space
battleships in advance to crush the puny race's opposition and make the new
civilization another minor province.

>Earth was about to become the receiver of a much larger source >of
>information.

CROW: It was about to get free subscriptions to Time, Newsweek, *and* U.S.
News And World Report.

> The Mind Tribes would arrive and introduce
Earth >citizens
>to a much larger community.

TOM: The Milky Way: A Planned Community.

>
>Baruk was exhausted after several days in the transmitter >room. Now with
>only a few hours left Baruk was finished preparing to set off >the
>largest pulse laser ever built on Earth.

CROW: That'll get rid of that pesky Mir.
MIKE: Why didn't you try a dirty riff?
CROW: Everyone at home already has.

>
The night was hot, and it >was a
>clear sky when Baruk finally emerged into the night air. Raline >was
>waiting in her car when Baruk came out of the laser transmitter >bunker.

MIKE(as Baruk): I set the pulse laser on low frequency and I zapped us a
couple of burritos.

>"Well, is everything set?" Raline asked. "I think so," Baruk said, >as he
>gazed into the distant night sky.

CROW(as Baruk): Hmmm... I wonder if we should do something about that meteor...

>
Raline and Baruk were from the >Central
>Civilization and were sent to Earth to infiltrate into the >Federation's
>Communication Link that was taking place between Earth and

MIKE: The Super Psychic Friends Network.

>the Colony
>Space Port which had been built in orbit around the Earth before >it was
>sent off beyond the solar system to act as a relay device to >seach for
>extraterrestrial intelligence.

CROW: After which, it would introduce them.

> The
concept was simple. Build a >powerful
>laser on Earth,

TOM: Make sure Iraq keeps it's little power-hungry hands off of it...

> and send it to a receiving antenna on a
distant >receiver
>which would in turn pulse a radio signal to any desired target in >the
>universe.

MIKE: It also gets free cable for NASA and JPL, but you didn't hear that
from me.

> Baruk knew the exact location of the Colony Space
>Port which
>was going to receive the laser pulse tomorrow morning as well >as the
>coordinates of the Central Civilization's command post signal >detector.

CROW: Interestingly, it was an easy listening station, which explained an
awful lot.

>However, it is important to back up a bit, and tell the story of >how
>Baruk and Raline came to Earth, and what it is they are trying to >do.

MIKE: Use up our resources?
CROW: Destroy our major cities?
TOM: Get their butts kicked by Will Smith?

>
>Saga two: | Star Ship |

TOM(singing): Starship trooper, goes sailing on by...
MIKE(Sgt. Jelal): I talked to the Lieutenant just before he bought it, and
he expected your names to *shine*!

ALL: <sigh again>
MIKE: If only, if only...

>Earth Portal Controls |
>por...@netcom.com
>©1995-1996 Earth Portals
>
>
>
>

CROW: Here it comes...

(The Milennium Falcon hyperdrive clip again. Once again, Mike and company
are forced deeper into their seats from the acceleration.)

CROW: Errrrrggggghhhhh...
MIKE: You think if I told Pearl I had epilepsy that she would get me out
of this one?

(Return to normal space and text screen.)

TOM: I want my travel agent.

>
>
>Saga two: Star Ship
>
>
>After the atomic bomb had been exploded on Earth, a very high >frequency
>had been transmitted into space alerting a Star Ship passing by >in the
>outer regions of the spiral arm of the galaxy.

MIKE: In what was affectionately called "The Bumpkin Stars".

>
"I think I just >picked up

CROW: A venereal disease.

>a strange frequency," Baruk told Raline. By this time all the >alarm
>lights sounded inside the Star Ship, alerting the crew of a new
>frequency emanation which was unlike any other picked up in >this sector
>of the galaxy.

TOM: Gosh, maybe you did pick up a strange frequency.

>
>It was a lazy morning when Raline and Baruk looked onto the >blue planet
>outside their star ship.

CROW(as Baruk): Let's hide in the tail of a comet and trick some
Californians into mass suicide!

> Soon they would learn
what planet this >was from
>the "Bright one". The journey was a long one, and there was >much
>anticipation in interfacing

MIKE: There always is.
CROW: Hey, I wanted to say that!

> with the source
of this unusual >frequency
>emanation. The year was 1947 AD by Earth's counting system, >and a whole
>new era was about to begin.

TOM: The era of rock 'n' roll.

> " I am
curious to see what produced >that
>frequency", Raline said with a sigh of relief mixed with wonder.

MIKE: Why did she say that with relief? Was she afraid it was going to be
an obscene interstellar transmission?

>She
>knew that their ship would have never made this jouney unless >something
>important was being decided in the forward control civilization.

CROW(as member of forward control civilization): I say we start laying off
some of those losers in the rear civilization.

>Raline
>and Baruk were very young when they left the Central >Civilization to
>travel on one of the largest universe crusiers ever assembled >for a tour
>of the universe.

MIKE: Starting with the Corn Palace.

>
>Their ship had been home for many centuries, and for all >practical
>purposes no other lifestyle was familiar to them except for the >work
>they were trained to do on the Ether Ship.

CROW: Dang, they need a union.

>
The Ether Ship was >now
>hovering above the planet Earth, but completely invisible to any >visible
>detection from Earth.

MIKE: Except for various weirdos on alt.conspiracy and alt.fan.john-winston.

> Every now and then there
would be word >from the
>forward civilization concerning who was actually taking them >on this
>tour.

CROW(as forward civilization): Your cruise director today is Richard Simmons.

> For Raline and Baruk their home was guided by the "Bright >One",
>and only special sound and light emmisaries could take a Cental
>Civilization crusier into the universe.

TOM: They had to ask their dads for gas money.

>
They were both waiting >for the
>next awareness when the wall panel revealed a very special >greeting.

CROW: Check the back for the Hallmark logo.

> It
>read the "Message is Coming".

TOM(AOL voice): You-have-mail!

> This was
the first time Raline or >Baruk
>had ever seen the wall panel display a message like this,

MIKE: Normally it just showed old issues of _Southern Living_.

>
but >they knew
>it was part of their coming on the tour of the universe so they >sat
>patiently waiting for the screen to complete itself.

MIKE: AOL has reached the final stage of evolution.

>
>
>
>All the compartment monitor lights were now activated. Before >each light
>a small rod with a multi-faceted crystal attached to the end >slowly
>protruded from the ceiling.

TOM: RUN! IT'S AN ANAL PROBE!

> Then in an
instant brightly colored >laser
>beams intercepted the crystals,

CROW: However, the crystals were able to gain eight yards for a first down.

> and
many voices could be heard. >"What is
>happening Raline?

MIKE(as Raline): Relax, it's a door-to-door Grateful Dead concert.

> I think the "Bright One" is
going to give us a
>reflection of our mission," was the only thing Baruk could say

TOM(as Baruk): Why am I answering my own questions Raline? I think I'm an
idiot.

>as even
>he was brought to a state of wonder. The walls in Raline and >Baruk's
>living quarters began to move up, and Baruk began to see all his >fellow
>lightworkers that he exchanged ideas with

CROW: People have such cute names for you-know-what.

>
on this universe >journey enter
>the large hallway of the star ship. Baruk stood still looking into >the
>vast hallways. One by one the lightworkers of the Central >Civilization
>began to walk toward the large area where meetings would take >place

MIKE: Because that was where the coffee machine and snack bar were.

> to
>exchange ideas and histories about their worlds. Many centuries >had
>passed since any event like this had happened to these beings, >and
>everyone knew it was for their wellbeing, and the reason that >they were
>on the voyage.

CROW: They took a millenia-long voyage through space just so they could
chat about their home life?

>
>Very few of these people ever made communication with the >forward
>civilization of the star ship.

TOM: You wouldn't believe the long-distance charges.

> Their ship
had an energy field that
>stretched over 3 miles. Most of the world that Raline and Baruk >lived in
>was filled with moving light fields which they maintained for >the star
>ship's movement.

CROW: Prime real estate.
TOM: How do at least two worlds fit into a space of three miles?
MIKE: Well, you have to duck a lot.

> Neither Raline or Baruk, nor the
rest of the >people in
>this part of the star ship, understood that they were now >stationed
>above a small planet known as Earth. All they really knew was >that the
>star ship had stopped moving, and they could see this beautiful >blue
>planet outside the viewing portals.

CROW: Wow, for an omnipotent race of pure energy, they sure are stupid.

>
>The radioactive discharge

ALL: EWWW!

> that came from
Earth was detected >by the
>forward civilization as an indication of something unusual >occuring in
>this part of the galaxy. This unusual discharge

ALL: EWWW!
MIKE: That gives me such a disgusting image.

>
was the reason >they were
>here. In a few moments all the lightworkers would hear the >message from
>the "Bright One".

CROW(as Bright One): What are you wearing?

>
>
>
>Saga three:

TOM: |"Discharge, Discharge, and More Discharge"|
MIKE: Tom, cut it out!

MIKE: Nnnnnnn...
CROW: That really hurt.
TOM: Yeah, made me want to discharge.
MIKE & CROW: TOM!

(1...2...3...4...5...6...Bridge)

CROW: I am so glad that's over.
MIKE(weakly): Over? We've got nine "sagas" left.
TOM: Stupid light beings of the whatever civilization, this is all their fault!

(Suddenly a flashlight and a loudspeaker drop from the ceiling and hover
above the counter.)

ALL: Yikes!
FLASHLIGHT & LOUDSPEAKER: Do not fear us, lesser civilization. We are the
Light and Sound Emmisaries from the Central Civilization.
MIKE: Well... to be honest, you look like a flashlight and a loudspeaker to me.
F & L: We have assumed corporeal form so as not to confuse your tiny
underdeveloped minds. After analyzing your memories, we decided this would
be the best shape to take.
CROW: Well, that looks pretty stupid, there.
F & L: Okay then, we shall assume the other main memory characteristic's
physical appearance. (The flashlight and loudspeaker become Torgo)
BOTS: AAAUUGGHHH!!! NO! BE THE FLASHLIGHT AND LOUDSPEAKER! PLEASE!
F & L: Sure. (returns to flashlight and loudspeaker form) We have come to
induct your race into the great halls of our much neater and more
sophisticated civilization.
MIKE: Well, that's going to be pretty tough, since the human race is
currently me and a really cranky old lady who drives a VW.
PEARL (voice-over): I heard that!

(Mike looks around in surprise.)

TOM: What are you going to do with them anyway?
F & L: Why, we'll transfer them into beings of light and sound so they can
travel the universe freely. It's going to tingle a little bit, but I think
it's pretty uplifting. You will become a member of the most advanced
civilization ever known!
MIKE: Will you need my resume?

(Mike and the emissary disappear with a pop.)

(Int. Central Civilization Cruiser. Mike reappears as a red flashlight
and loudspeaker, same as the emissary. They are floating in front of a
porthole through which a blue planet can be seen.)

MIKE: Whoa! Kewl!
F & L: This is your work compartment, fellow light being.
MIKE: Work compartment?
F & L: Yes. Here you will process the moving fields of light.
MIKE: What do they look like?

(A minature wheatfield, complete with tiny little silo, floats by. Lots
of light bulbs are sticking out of the grain. The heads of the flashlights
turn to follow it.)

F & L: Why, there goes one now. Better process it quick, before somebody
else gets it!
MIKE: What do I get out of this job?
F & L: Uh.... why... uh... you're a full member of the superior race of
light and sound!
MIKE: If it's such a superior race, why can't it do something other than
process moving fields of light?
F & L: Would you just shut up and process the field already!?!
MIKE: Let me get this straight. As a being of light and sound, I can move
around freely through all the planes of existence, right?
F & L: Yeah...
MIKE: Oh. Good. Bye now.

(SoL. The bots are struggling over a boombox.)

CROW: Mike bequeathed the CD player to *me*!
TOM: Well, it won't do you any good, because he left *me* all his CD's!

(Mike reappears.)

MIKE: Arranging the funeral, are we?
CROW: Mike, you left the CD player to me, right?
TOM: Nuh-uh! He left it to me!
MIKE: Actually, I wanted all my property given to my pet cat Snuggles back
on Earth. I need to change that part.

( F & L reappears.)

F & L(angrily): You can't leave now! We just got a big work order for
even more moving fields of light!
MIKE: You guys live for countless milennia, right?
F & L: Well... yeah, what's it to you?
MIKE: Two weeks would probably equal a good long amount of time, right?
F & L: ...Yeah, but...
MIKE: I'm taking my two weeks of vacation. See ya.
F & L: D'OH! (disappears again)
CROW: Nicely done, Mike.
TOM: Not even a professional teamster could have gotten away with such an
excuse for goofing off.
MIKE: Later, the Grays are calling.

(Space Van. Where Pearl should be is a large sun lamp and a clock radio.)

PEARL: Not a word Mike. You might have gotten away last time, but the
other nine are gonna nail you good.

(SoL. Net.loon sign goes off.)

ALL: AAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! WE GOT NET.LOON SIIIIIIIIGGGNNNNNNN!!!

>
They were both waiting >for the
>next awareness when the wall panel revealed a very special >greeting.

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