MSTed: Better the Devil You Know (6/8)
T-Bone
TOM: From the bowels of Hades comes...
>From: paul.h...@shbbs.demon.co.uk (Paul Hubbard)
>Subject: Better The Devil You Know 5
CROW: The author paused before pausing, then wrote...
>X-Mail-Agent: GIGO unreg at shbbs vsn 0.99 pl1
KATE: "unreg"? That means no Leonard Rossiter!
>Organization: Silicon Heaven BBS (2200-0630 UTC) (44-1626-834331) V32B
TOM: Ah, my favorite dMe star!
>Date: Wed, 10 Aug 1994 23:41:03 +0000
>Message-ID: <b46_940...@shbbs.demon.co.uk>
>Sender: use...@demon.co.uk
CROW: We know, we know, get on with it.
>Lines: 293
KATE (singing): "Sold my house, sold my car, lost my jooooob. Cocaine"
CROW: Kate, YOU ... are one Gonzo chick.
>
>From: ph...@shbbs.demon.co.uk (Paul Hubbard)
>
>Better the Devil you know.
>by P.D Hubbard.
TOM: The next five minutes of P.D. Hubbard's Internet Star Trek
Religious Happening "Better the Devil you know" is brought to you by
the makers of Louie's Wipe Out Pumice Hamburgers.
>
>
>Part 4.
>
>
>Things had been going badly for the away team on the planet.
CROW: Charlie had them pinned down outside of town ...
>A
>bad transporter fix had beamed them into the middle of a fountain
KATE: Onto International Street at King's Island.
>which had quite clearly not registered on the transporter sensor
>system.
TOM: That's what you get for using Solaris.
>Even more worrying was the loss of communications which
>had happened almost immediately after they had beamed down.
CROW: Well, drinking Jim Beam will affect your speech.
>Climbing out of the water, they scanned the area whilst drying
>off.
TOM (singing): Give me a head with hair, long beautiful hair...
>Worf was not pleased.
KATE (nasally): So he wore a pushup bra. Now THAT'S pleasing.
>He had spent several hours the day
>before with Mr Hohm fussing over his hair, getting it just right.
CROW: Weeeelllll, seems there's a side to old macho Worf that we didn't
know about!
>A return trip to the barbers did not appeal to him one bit.
KATE (prissy voice): I jutht KNOW he'll inthitht on giving me a perm!
>
>Geordi and Riker were just plain wet.
TOM: Let's face it, they suck.
>The only one not affected
>by the water was Data.
CROW: Too bad, I was hoping for a short-
TOM: *ahem*!
CROW: -circuit.
TOM: Oh.
>His synthetic skin was waterproof
KATE: Thanks to RADAR!
>and he
>often conducted swimming lessons for the Enterprises Pre-
>schoolers, both parties getting something out of it.
TOM: So, Data's been reading about Michael Jackson again.
>The
>children for having a 'local hero' keeping a eye on them and Data
>getting more information on life in general.
CROW: You don't have to say anything more, Paul.
>
>Geordi looked up from his tricorder.
KATE: Juns!
>"Over there commander.
TOM: There wolf. There castle.
>The
>power readings are being emitted from that domed structure.
CROW: Picard!?!? How did he get down here?
>No
>life forms present".
KATE: Yeah, that's what you said up on the ship.
>
>"Ok, we'll proceed towards the source.
TOM: Everyone find your partner!
>Everybody be careful, I
>don't want to loose anybody".
CROW: So no more liquor; you have to drive home.
>
>They observed the local architecture as they walked over.
KATE: Hey, that was a KFC!!!
>Much
>of it was strange,
TOM: ...resembling a strip mall...
>as if different cultures had bolted on their
>own buildings to the existing structures.
CROW: I hate these Urban Renewal areas.
>Many large concrete
>rimmed pits were scattered over the courtyard area.
KATE: Well, at least these aliens had storm grates.
>Peering down
>each of the holes, the scattered remains of many people was
>evident.
TOM: Looks like a Who concert in Cincinnati...
>
>"It looks like some mass slaughter house..." growled Worf.
CROW: They're killing people in Amhurst!
KATE: If Doctress Fruitopia is in there, I'm for it.
TOM: Guys, that was "mass slaughter house", not "UMASS slaughter
house".
>
>"Yeah" replied Riker, " but we can't help them now".
CROW: So pass the KC Masterpiece.
TOM: Only if it's BOOOOOLLLLD!!!
>
>They continued staggering over the uneven ground,
KATE: Stagger, stagger, roll roll, ...
>finally
>arriving at a portal set in a stainless tristeel wall.
TOM: Swordfish.
CROW (as Groucho): I'm sorry, we've changed the pass-woid.
>Data
>scanned the entrance, finding no boobytraps
TOM: Say, Kate, how do you feel about being stabbed by knives and
drinking a glass of water?
KATE: No.
>or security sensors
>of any kind, he stepped inside the doorway. A steel shutter shot
>down, cutting Data off from the others.
KATE: Max? Max!
>
>"Data!!!!!!.....Mr Worf, cut that door down".
CROW: You're ugly and your momma dresses you funny! How's that?
>
>"Yes Sir". The phaser made light work of the metal surface.
TOM: Put on your RayBans, everyone.
>Finally, after several seconds, the metal sheet fell in with a
>great crash.
KATE: Well, at least a so-so crash.
>Of Data, there was no sign.
CROW: Nor of grammar was an accepted form to be seen.
>
>"I don't understand" exclaimed Worf.
TOM: Exactly what use are Tchebycheff polynomials?
>"There are no other exits
>from that room yet Data has gone".
KATE: So obviously Data has been taken to heaven by God.
>"Wait a minute....., my visor is picking something up" said
>LaForge.
CROW: Damn, The Arrow is playing that stupid Boston song again.
KATE: Which Boston song?
CROW: Dunno, I can't tell them apart ...
>He looked at several metal surfaces for a few seconds
>then continued.
TOM: What? What?! Continued WHAT???
>"There is another door in the wall, directly
>opposite this entrance.
KATE: Oh, you mean that large wooden thing with the knob?
CROW: That's Riker.
TOM: No, Riker IS a knob.
>Some sort of power emanations are
>escaping around the hairline gaps,
KATE: Cool light show, man..
>I would have missed it
>altogether without that source".
CROW: And without RADAR.
>
>Riker came do a decision.
TOM: Oh, I refuse to riff that line; it's is too easy.
>"Worf, get cutting".
CROW (Worf's voice): These three nuns get on a bus...
>
>"Aye Sir"
KATE (in voice of comedian Randy Montgomery): The question: "What did
the coat check girl say to Sammy Davis, Jr., after 'hat, sir?'"
>
>Worf started to cut into the metal for a few seconds, then
>stopped.
TOM: My hands won't do it, sir.
>"The metal is much more compacted than usual.
CROW: Newt Gingrich's ego sat on it.
>It will
>take time to cut through.." he said, then continued.
KATE: Then he paused.
TOM: Then he continued.
CROW: Then he paused, then he continued pausing, then he paused from
his pausing to continue.
>
>Geordi and Riker sat down, a long wait ahead of them.
KATE: So, Geordi, how 'bout them Blazers, huh?
>
>
>
> ____________
>
>
>
>
>Up on the Enterprise,
TOM: It's the Drifters' salute to ... oh, wait, I've done that one.
>all was not a bed of roses either.
CROW: More like an armoire of pomegranates.
>Communications was still down with the away team.
KATE: Wow, like this whole beaming down business is such a bummer, and
now Data's like really strung out.
>Another
>worrying prospect was that their message to Starfleet command had
>been bounced back at them a few hours later.
TOM: Well run a traceroute, idiots!
>They were totally
>cut off from the outside world.
CROW (as Picard): Just when I could use a scotch...
>Finally, Picard knew what to do.
KATE: Homebrewing.
>He turned to a young ensign.
ALL: Saaaaaaayyyyyy.......
>
>"Mr DeJano.
TOM: I wasn't reading alt.sex.bestiality!!!
>Prepare a class nine probe
CROW: And make sure it has a sunroof and an automatic transmission.
>and load it with copies
>of
KATE: _Amorica_.
>all log entries and sensor reading since we first arrived
>here. Dispatch it to the nearest Starbase to here".
TOM: Sir, one of our probes was apparently disgruntled and opened fire
on all the other probes with a phaser.
>
>A few seconds passed.
CROW: So they paused...
>
>"Probe ready to launch Sir".
KATE: He'll have to wait until noon.
>
>"Make it so".
CROW: But it's a Ford, not a Singer!
>
>"Probe on it's way Sir" reported the Ensign.
TOM: We're on our wayyy!
>
>Several things happened at once.
KATE: They often do.
>The deflector grid flipped
TOM: ... and just went ape-sh*t silly.
>on
>almost immediately and a energy beam lashed out from the planet,
>hitting the probe and blowing it into a million pieces.
CROW: Boy, HBO is getting SERIOUS about people descrambling their
signals.
>Caught
>in the blast, the Enterprise shook violently.
KATE: Bridge lurch!
[Kate and Tom lurch to the left, Crow to the right.]
TOM: Uh, Crow, what were you doing?
CROW: I was Kirk.
>
>Steadying her self, Troi turned to the captain.
KATE: Do you smell raspberries?
>"It appears" she
>said, "that someone does not want anyone to know we are here".
TOM: Boy, THAT really blows away her stereotype of always saying the
blitheringly obvious...
>
>"That much is evident councillor.
CROW: Tete de merde...
>Scan for the source of that
>energy beam".
KATE: Start looking in that big scorched area.
>
>The comm panel sounded. "Crusher to Picard".
TOM: Later, laterrrr....
>
>"Picard here Doctor. Any results?".
CROW: That beam knocked me on my butt...
>
>"The analysis results have come back from the laboratory on the
>green slime.
KATE: Mass spectroscopy indicates that it's grody!
>Much of it's composition is unknown but it contains
>a strong hallucinational agent which affects the reasoning and
>reality processing areas of the brain".
TOM: And thus the phenomenon of Deadheads is explained.
>
>"How strong Doctor?".
CROW: Let's just hope Pat Robertson doesn't put this in the water
supply.
>
>"So strong that when we tested a sample on a volunteer.
KATE: It wiped out our ability to use commas.
>we had
>to restrain him on the examining table to stop him hitting the
>ceiling.
TOM: Then he turned into a black duck and cavorted to the horizon while
shouting "W-hoo! W-hoo! W-hoo-hoo!"
>He claimed that several dead relatives and the Devil
>himself was after him.
CROW: Oh, that was just his student loan officer.
>This is potent stuff captain".
KATE: Wonder what the street value of that is...
>
>"Good work Doctor".
TOM: Oh, and get Keith Richards on the phone.
>
>"One other thing captain.
CROW (falsetto): I left an earring in your room...
>We took samples around the area that
>Troi was attacked and found several signs of transporter
>activity.
KATE: Ask her why she needed a bushel of zucchini in her private
quarters.
>It looks like the slime is transported in from
>somewhere".
TOM: Probably from one of the law firms in the sector.
>
>"It appears that our Devil not so supernatural after all.
CROW: Just supersonic.
>Keep
>me apprised Doctor.
KATE: Well, we just have the consolation prise left, but if you insist.
>Picard out".
>
>He turned to Troi.
TOM (jumping): Dyew! Put on some makeup.
>"It appears that we are dealing with a not
>so formidable adversary after all".
CROW: Just one that can gut an ensign in a flash.
KATE: As long as none of the main characters get hurt, who cares?
>
>
>
> ____________
>
TOM: This fanfic is flatlining!!!
CROW: Good.
>
>
>
>"Nearly through Sir" called Wolf.
[Kate bays at an imaginary moon.]
>A few more seconds passed.
TOM: So they paused.
>The inner sheet of metal started to hinge inwards, then fell with
>a great crash
KATE: Ladies and gentleman, Aerosmith!!!
>to reveal a long, badly lit corridor.
CROW: It puts the lotion on its skin.
>
>"Good" exclaimed Riker. "I'll lead..."
TOM: But there's no music.
>
>Wolf disagreed.
[Crow growls.]
>"Sir, as senior officer here I, as security
>offer should lead".
KATE: Woah, reread before you post, Paul!
CROW: Friends don't let friends write fanfic drunk.
>
>"Not this time Wolf,
TOM: What with your name changing...
>lets go".
CROW: Great, now Riker wants to cover "Ballroom Blitz", too.
KATE: He's no Sweet.
TOM: Hell, he's no Krokus.
>
>Proceeding cautiously down the tunnel,
KATE: It's the NBC Sunday Mystery Movie!
[Tom and Crow jump and shake as if receiving electric jolts.]
KATE: Oh, sorry guys, I forgot.
>Riker could not help
>feeling apprehensive.
CROW: And Geordi's thigh.
>A few hundred yards along, the shape of
>a figure approaching them was starting to become visible.
TOM: Hi, can I interest you in an issue of The Watchtower?
>
>"Phaser's on stun" barked Riker.
[All three start to bark and woof.]
>
>The figure got closer and closer, finally revealing itself as
>data.
KATE: Boy, that's a lot of printout.
>
>"Data, is that you?" called Geordi.
CROW: No, it's Gandalf. OF COURSE IT'S ME!
>
>"yes.
CROW: See?
>The machinery used to snatch me discovered that I was not
>human and let me go.
TOM: So Coucescou would have been safe there, too.
>I managed to find my way back here.
ALL (singing): Fiiind yoooour waaaaaay back.
>Sir,
>I have made a startling discovery".
ALL (jumping): Aigh!
>
>"Which is" replied Riker.
KATE: Soylent Green is people!
>
>"It would be better if you followed me.
CROW: Follow me? Eh? Know what I mean?
>It is easier to look
>than to explain".
TOM: Well, easier for you...
>
>After traversing several more corridors, they finally emerged
>into a large open chamber. At the centre of the room stood a
KATE: Minotaur!!!
>large glass column, filled with a clear solution.
CROW: You dragged us all this way for a hexagonal aquarium?
>Floating
>inside was a strange looking humanoid, tethered to the glass
>sides by electronic equipment and cords.
TOM: Mary Shelly's "Ice Man".
>Behind him stood small
>glass jars, similarly wired, but with Brains inside them.
KATE: Uh, let's see, that was episode 513, right?
TOM: And The Simpsons' Halloween special.
CROW: Look, Smithers, I'm Davy Crocket!
>
>Riker slowly circled the tank, looking first at the equipment,
>then at the occupant inside the tank.
TOM (French accent): And so Falco stays in ze deprivation tank, until
'ee promises nev-air to zing "Herr Kommisar" again.
>Parts of it were heavily
>stitched at major limb junctions and one leg was clearly feminine
>in appearance.
KATE: David Bowie?
>
>Geordi stood scanning the tube,
CROW: Hey, the Giants are on!
>a frown of puzzlement was
>noticeable across his face.
TOM: I just don't get The Kids in the Hall...
>
>"Commander" he called.
CROW: You command 'er, I'm bitter.
>"This is weird.
KATE: I never would have guessed...
>The occupant of the tank
>appears to be made up of pieces of different people, of different
>sexes and colours.
TOM: Hey, it IS David Bowie!
>It is alive, but barely".
CROW: "Just like Gerald Ford"
>
>A dull humming noise shot across the room
KATE: Grab that hum before it gets outside!
>and the tube in the
>centre of the room illuminated followed by a voice.
TOM (imitating Penn): Next up on Comedy Central, ...
>
>"HUMANS.......Welcome.............."
CROW: to the boomtown.
>
>"Who are you???" said Riker, addressing the entity inside the
>tube.
KATE: Bronson.
>
>"My name is not important.
TOM: It is also not "Smith".
>I am the last of the Hobs.
CROW: I think they've got a tiger by the tail.
[Kate slaps Crow for such a bad pun.]
>I have
>been waiting here for a eternity, waiting for your arrival".
KATE: And your knowledge of using indefinite articles.
>
>"Our arrival?"
>
>"YES" the voice boomed. "Your arrival.
TOM: We're stupid, not mental.
>At last, transport for
>me away from this place,
CROW (singing with a blues voice): down t' where the southern cross the
dog...
>and so many FRESH bodies to choose
>from".
KATE: Clarence Thomas, Bob Packwood, Fatty Arbuckle, ...
>
>"Bodies to choose from??? Us???".
TOM: No, the Cleveland Indians. OF COURSE YOU!!!
>Realisation started to dawn
>in Rikers head.
CROW: He's gonna blow, he's starting to think! Take cover!
>"What about the people you have snatched from
>our planet".
KATE: I traded them for junk bonds and lost my butt.
>
>"To survive for all these years, these eons,
TOM: These geological periods.
>I have had to take
>humans for your planet for spare parts to extend my existence.
CROW: And I have the receipts to prove it.
>Thousand's of years ago,
KATE: Not long after this fanfic began...
>we came to your planet,
TOM: Looking for a Motel 6
>openly to your
>people, our intentions plain.
CROW: Long pig filets.
>You banished us, spun our names
>into your folklore as a warning to others.
KATE: Gave us melvins, wedgies, and wet willies.
>Beware the Hob, the
>imp, the destructor.
TOM: The conjunction.
>Is it any wonder we resorted to subterfuge
>to survive?
CROW: No, only that a race that clever would be dumb enough to be
caught in a lousy Star Trek fanfic.
>That is now in the past,
KATE: Like Reagan's ... uh, ...
CROW: Memory?
KATE: I don't recall.
>the time is the present.
TOM: At the third stroke, the time will be one after the present.
>With your ship, and it's spare part store, I can proceed to
>rejuvenate my race".
CROW: And get a kickass tan.
>
>"The brains in the tubes behind??" enquired Data.
TOM (turning to Crow): See, I bet even Data could say "come with".
CROW: Shut up, Iris.
>
>"Yes" continued the voice.
KATE: Ah, Marv Albert's behind this.
>"We will again be mighty.
CROW: Jack.
>You will
>be the first.
KATE: He asked me! He asked me!
>The process is painless,
TOM: Sure, just like circumcision.
>the lobotomy will not
>take long".
CROW: Not with this crew...
>
>"And what about our lives" said Geordi.
KATE: And what about the velveteen rabbit?
>"We have a right to
>existence ourselves".
CROW: We have our right's! We have our rights! We're Callahans!
>
>"RIGHT TO EXISTENCE!!!!!
TOM: LEFT TO ESSENCE!!!!!
>Hahahaha, your puny existence would
>not be missed by your passing.
KATE: You need to establish a running game first.
>You are nothing, food for the
>strong.
TOM: Well that's something we can build on!
>We will win, we will prevail".
ALL (singing a well-known fight song):
Hurl! On the all time chokers!
Hurl! On the Big Ten jokers!
Hurl! Hurl! On Michigan!
Vomit and spew!
>
>Several mechanical machines
CROW: As opposed to the sick patients...
KATE: Or the bovine cattle...
TOM: Or the medical doctors...
>emerged from the wall and started
>towards the away team.
CROW: It's payback time for sending us those Wesley episodes...
>
>Wolf addressed the entity.
KATE: 2915 Baseline Road, Apartment 435, Boulder, CO 80303
>"Your race is past.
TOM: NASCAR's the hip thing.
>You have no
>place in the modern universe".
CROW: Get out of our way, old race!
>
>"You are wrong Klingon.
KATE: "Klingon"? I thought he was a wolf...
>Your race was one of those under
>selection.
TOM: Klingons must be inferior; no blondes.
KATE: You used to work on Madison Avenue, right?
>A pity it had to come to this but never mind. Give
>yourselves up freely Humans, you have no other choice!!!".
CROW: You will be killed by listening to James Taylor until your mind
turns to mush.
TOM: Shouldn't take long...
>
>"Over my dead body..." said Riker
KATE: Well that IS the general idea...
>and took aim with his phaser
TOM: Say...
>at the control gear surrounding the tube. He opened fire.
CROW: How's about a little fire, Scarecrow?
>
>"NOOOOOOOOOO" screamed the entity as his life supporting systems
>were fused beyond repair.
KATE: I borrowed this from Michael Jackson!!!
>Geordi lashed out with his phaser
TOM: Geordi, there is a time and place for that
>whilst Data and Wolf covered the rear.
CROW: I TOLD you Worf had that side to his macho personality.
>
>A stray phaser blast cannoned into the glass tubes
KATE: Now who's going to be the house band in _Xanadu_?
>containing the
>last of the Hobs,
TOM: Hey, those comic tigers are an endangered species!
>scattering pieces of brains across the floor.
CROW: Is Zapruder filming this?
>The entity gurgled
KATE: Listerine fights gingivitis.
>as his life sustaining processes shut down one
>by one.
TOM: Too bad he couldn't take some of the crew with him, huh?
>
>"I HAVE FAILED" it screamed into the thin air,
CROW: I only got a 63 on my midterm!!!
>"BUT NOT BEFORE
>I TAKE YOUR PRECIOUS SHIP WITH ME.............".
KATE: Hey, you can't take it with you, friend.
>
>"Everybody out" cried Riker as several sections of ceiling,
>caught in a sudden blast from the life support equipment started
>to fall.
TOM (singing): Every time it rains it rains ceilings from heaven
>
>A section of girder fell down, narrowly missing Wolf.
CROW: Yipe-yipe-yipe!
>They
>careered down the dark tunnels,
KATE: Their careers headed straight to the sewers where they belonged.
>the crashes of destruction
>snapping at their heels,
TOM: Funny, I always thought of Riker wearing flats or slippers.
>Finally, they emerged from the
>building,
CROW: Taxi!!!
>a large dust cloud following them,
KATE: No more chili for you, Wolf. I mean Worf.
>to a sullen sky, the
>wind whipping around them.
TOM: Ain't gonna be tied to your whippin' post!
>
>"What did it mean commander?" yelled Geordi over the sound of the
>rising wind.
CROW: It means our *ss is grass!
>
>"I don't know,....but the Enterprise is in trouble".
KATE: You see, when one spaceship loves another spaceship very very
much, ...
>
>
>
>End of part 4.
TOM: I thought that was never going to end. Let's go.
[They start to exit.]
>
>
>
>
>
>~~~ Blue Wave/RA v2.12 [NR]
>--
>| Standard disclaimer: The views of this user are strictly his own.
[Door sequence. Gypsy and Crow are talking and joking. Chad and Tom are
in some conversation about Watusi warriors and hysterectomies. Kate
has a worried look on her face.]
KATE: You know, I was just wondering: what do you think Mike is doing
now at the Con?
CROW: What?
KATE: I said I was just wondering what Mike's doing.
GYPSY: Who?
KATE: Mike!
TOM: Who's Mike?
CHAD: You know, last year, my dad discovered a tribe in the Amazon, and
they were all named 'Mike', except for the men.
KATE: Chad, please.
CROW: Who is this Mike character, an old boyfriend?
KATE: Mike was the guy on the satellite before I got here! Remember?
GYPSY: Was he the talking dog?
TOM: No, that was Fletcher. Remember, he wee-ed on Crow!
CROW: Oh, thanks for bringing back THAT memory!
CHAD: You know, in certain villages in Romania, dog urine is considered
a delicacy, because the dogs there can't pee and they explode after
three years.
[Kate rolls her eyes.]
TOM (speaking with Chad's vocal rhythm): You know, if you take cranber-
ries, and stew them like applesauce, they taste more like prunes than
rhubarb does.
KATE: HEY! Look, don't you remember Mike? Mike Nelson? [She looks
one by one at the bots, who just stare back.] They guy who replaced
Joel???
CROW: Was Joel the guy with the beard?
KATE: Oh, never mind. [Hits a button.]
[Deep 13. Frank is there by himself.]
FRANK: Oh, hi, Ki- uh, Kate. What can I do you for?
[Sat-O-Love]
KATE: Is Dr Forrester there?
[Deep 13]
FRANK: He's busy getting ready for his date. Can I help you with
something?
[Sat-O-Love]
KATE: I was wondering if we could find out what's happening at the CON.
Since you guys didn't let me go, I figured that the least you could
do is show me what's going on there.
[Deep 13]
FRANK: Wellllll, I really shouldn't, but as long as you promise not to
tell Dr. Forrester, ... Just remember, it may get cut off suddenly
because Clay is coming. Give me a minute to link the security
camera feeds to the hexfield viewscreen.
[Sat-O-Love]
KATE: Thanks, Frank. I wonder how things are going: if there were a lot
of Trekkie-ish people there, who had the best costume, what happened
to la after I got beamed up here, ...
CROW: Yeahsoundslikealotoffun. So, Gyps, feel like going for a walk in
the starlight?
TOM: Crow! Too soon!
GYPSY: Let's hang out here for a bit. I wanna find out what happened to
... uh, to ...
KATE: Mike.
GYPSY: MIKE! Yes! Thank you!
[Lights flash; back to Deep 13]
FRANK: Okay, I've established a link between the security cameras and
the hexfield. Just push the red button to changed cameras. Any
broadcast or retransmission without the express written permission
of the NBA is strictly prohibited.
[SOL]
TOM: o-KAY! Push the button, Kate.
[Kate hits the button; the hexfield opens and the camera moves in so
the view on the hexfield fills the tv screen. We see a rather orderly
crowd of people all dressed very strangely.]
VOICE/KATE: Oh, this must be the costume ball. Hm, I don't see la; I
know she was going as Mr. B...
[Suddenly someone dressed as a ninja jumps up on a table, pulls out a
katana, and points it at someone.]
NINJA: You! Why haven't you joined the info club yet?! Taste my steel!
[The ninja leaps off the table and decapitates the poor sap in one
smooth motion. He takes off his raiment to reveal that his true
identity is ... Juliewa!!!]
JULIEWA: Master Ninja Theme Song!
[Juliewa then stalks off, looking to increase info club enrollment.]
V/CROW: Boy, I guess she still hasn't gotten over working at Microsoft.
[The view pans around to show the festivities. At one point, Trace
comes into view, running from a tall woman dressed like Dr. F.]
TRACE: Brenda, I have a restraining order!
BRENDA: Yes! Restrain me!
TRACE: Keep away from me! Security! Security!
[They run offscreen; the camera continues panning. Suddenly it stops
and zooms in on CreepyGuywithBots. He is showing his model of Servo to
a group of people, who have a look of raw terror on their faces. We
then see Mary Jo Pehl and Jeff Maynard sneak up behind CreepyGuy. Jeff
clubs him with a Louisville slugger, then stuffs him into a gunny sack
which Mary Jo is holding open. They cinch up the sack's opening, smile
to the camera, hold up a roll of candy, and freeze.]
MAGIC VOICE: Mentos. The Freshmaker.
V/KATE: Let's try another view.
[Camera view changes to a dark corner. Mikey Inglis is handing a $100
bill to Bridget.]
MIKEY: Remember, call me "Dreamy".
V/SERVO: Let's try another one.
[We now see Kevin Murphy and Jim Mallon talking, standing in front of a
table filled with food and a punch bowl.]
JIM: Kinda scary, huh?
KEVIN: Well, only one person seems to be totally out of it.
[Erin, dressed as Jan in the Pan, approaches the table from behind.]
JIM: Not really a bad ratio, if you think about it.
[Erin picks up a glass of punch.]
KEVIN: True. I was worried it might be more Trekkie-ish, but it's not
that bad.
[Trace and Brenda come running past the screen.]
TRACE: Run away! Run away!
BRENDA: Call me Serafi...
[Jim and Kevin stare after them as Erin attempts to drink the punch
without much success.]
JIM: Then again ...
[Erin is still having trouble drinking because of her costume, and
spills the punch into her pan.]
KEVIN: So, have your talked to the Universal People yet?
[Erin picks up another glass of punch.]
JIM: A couple of them. One wasn't overly impressed, but the other was
cowering under a table, whimpering something about a ninja.
[Erin spills more punch in her pan.]
KEVIN: Oh, they must be working on a Chuck Norris deal.
[Erin picks up another glass of punch.]
JIM: I'm kinda worried about Julie; I think this whole business on the
net is getting to her.
[Erin spills punch in her pan again. She looks VERY frustrated, then
inspired.]
KEVIN: Yeah. Where's Mike, I haven't seen him in a while.
[Erin suddenly dunks her head into the punch bowl and starts drinking
very noisily.]
JIM: There was some young lady looking for him, called herself S--
[suddenly noticing Erin drinking straight out of the punch bowl]
Hey! What are you doing?
KEVIN (picking up a french loaf and hitting Erin with it): Stop it!
That's rude, unsanitary, and copyrighted by Blake Edwards!
ERIN (sheepishly): I'm sorry, but this is my only scene!
V/GYPSY: Where else can we look?
V/KATE: Let's see.
[We are now looking in a men's room. Frank is standing at the nearest
urinal, his back to us. Five male MSTies, led by Pat Gomes and Larry
MacGregor, file in and stand in front of the rest of the urinals. In
unison, they unzip and put their legs up on the urinals.]
FRANK (running from the room): AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaa........
V/KATE: Boy, it looks like we can look ANYWHERE. I wonder if we can get
the ELK lodge. Let's see ...
[View changes once again, this time to a hotel room. The scene is a
closeup of some luggage in a corner.]
V/KATE: This must be it, that's la's luggage!
V/CROW: Look around the room.
[The camera pulls back and pans. What follows is a scene which is
indescribable, particularly to young readers. However, it does involve
Mike tied to a chair (and dressed as an Aryan milkmaid), la (dressed
as a lumberjack and holding a riding crop), two llamas, a tube of
squirt cheese, a bustle, a kazoo, an old Habitrail (hamster not
included), a tube of tartar-control Crest gel, a bag of chocolate
sprinkles, a handpuppet of Joey the Lemur, and a polar bear sitting
directly in front of a fan turning at high speed. Suddenly the door
bursts open, and a rather *ahem* healthy woman wearing sheer night
attire and wielding several pencils is standing there.]
CYBERMUFFIN: You're not getting him without a fight. Get your skimpy
nightie out, girlfriend; it's wrasslin' time.
V/ALL ON SOL: WAIGH!
[The screen to the hexfield closes as the camera pulls back. Kate and the
bots look frazzled. Cut to Deep 13.]
FRANK: Sorry, Dr Forrester is coming.
[SOL]
CROW: Looks like he won't be the only one.
GYPSY: And you have to miss all that!
KATE: Actually, I don't feel so bad anymore.
TOM: Too bad Trace can't say the same thing.
CROW: Poor sap.
Commercial we'd like to see: The plastic people from the Duracell
commercial get caught in the rain, get a short, and melt due to internal
electrical fires.
MSTed by Richard Burton (T-Bone; bur...@lobster.gsfc.nasa.gov) and
by Kate Wrightson (kwri...@moe.coe.uga.edu)
Disclaimer: MST3K and related situations/characters/settings/scenarios
are the property of Best Brains; they had nothing to do with our
writing this. This MSTing was done for the sole purpose of
entertainment and is not meant to be a personal attack on the original
author(s) in any way. We intended no flames on any organizations,
characters, products, people, or ideas which were referenced in this
MSTing. This MSTing reflects my and Kate's own personal viewpoints, and
not always both of ours, and does not necessarly reflect the views of
the University of Georgia, NASA, Goddard Space Flight Center, or my
employer, Hughes STX.
Petrea E. Mitchell
of the best ever in the history of MUT3K. Anyone who went to the Con or
read a lot of the reports should read this!
Yeah, the MSTing is good too.
--
/ <|> <|> <pr...@mvp.com> <pr...@gm.dev.com>
Petrea Mitchell ** GO NINERS ** <pem...@is.nyu.edu>
Today's step on the road to lunacy: Do your favorite counterpoint exer-
cises while listening to a Professor Longhair CD.
** Canter Siegel green cards spam ** Let's see 'em grep this, Sam-I-Am!
Todd Gilbert
Mitchell) wrote:
> I just have to say that the host segment in this one ranks as one
> of the best ever in the history of MUT3K. Anyone who went to the Con or
> read a lot of the reports should read this!
> Yeah, the MSTing is good too.
>
I missed the first few in this series, and so decided not to
jump in mid-way. Anyone email me a copy?
BTW, what happened to that Lake Shasta MSTing? I read part 1
and haven't seen any more installments.
Todd (didn't even jump in Pearl Harbor) Gilbert
--
tgil...@salsa.abq.bdm.com The owls are not what they seem
or " @nacho.abq.bdm.com And neither are the penguins
<I speak for the only person I can speak for>
o/~ "Ignorance and prejudice and fear walk hand in hand"
Rush, from Witchhunt