REPOST: Ratliff's "The 7th Fleet" (new riffs added, formatting fixed, insulting riff snipped) [2/2]
Tv's Weretorgo
> of each vessel to report aboard the Stargazer. Green Wing and Blue
> Wing will escort them all here."
> "Lieutenant Jay Alan Gordon... do you know what the penalty for
> falsifying orders is?"
SERVO: [as Jay] Don't talk to me about "falsifying," Miss Fill-n-fool.
> "Yes, Commander.
JOEL: [as Jay] I'll get the whip and your leather costume.
> However, I believe my plan entails much less
> risk to the command staff of this ship. That is one of the duties of a
> first officer, and since you are acting Captain,
CROW: [as Jay] You can just kiss my stinking butt.
> that is my job. If you'd like to dress
> me down for my methods in doing so,
JOEL: [as Jay] --Then you'd would probably kill several hundred readers.
SERVO: [aside] The horror!
CROW: [playing off of Joel, after a second of thought. As Marrissa] The
slaughter of innocents!? I'm drooling at the thought.
> feel free, sir.
SERVO: "Sir?" Is there more to Marrissa than I for one care to know?
CROW: Run for your life! It's a slash fic!
> However, since we are
> in the middle of a war, I respectfully request that you consider
> delaying it until after we are safely behind Federation lines again."
> "Very well, Jay... but next time, run it by me first. You
> never know, I might like the idea."
>
SERVO: These scene changes always seem like they're done at random with a
meat cleaver.
> Chapter Three
>
> Jacqueline Marie Picard was peering around the corner.
JOEL: The corner of what, we don't know. But there was definitely a 90
degree angle involved in the peering process.
> Her mother was
> talking to her Aunt Marie and Cousin Isabelle. She'd gotten bored at
> playing with her cousin Rene. He just wanted to play with his little
> toy starships. Jackie, as everyone called her, had lived on a
> starship.
ALL: [sarcastically] You *think?*
> Playing with starships held no interest for her.
SERVO: Toilet-training had left young Jackie completely jaded.
> The almost three year-old girl and her mother had left the
> Enterprise because of the war.
JOEL: See, since the Picards are *french,* it would make sense for them
to run...
> They wouldn't return until after it was
> over. Jackie couldn't understand why her father couldn't come with
> them to France.
CROW: But she knows enough about starships to take them for granted.
> Her mother had said that it was because he was the ship's
> Captain. Jackie couldn't understand why that made a difference. After
> all, mommy was ship's Doctor, and she had gone with Jackie and her baby
> brother Nicholas to France.
JOEL: It's called "Getting rid of the bit characters."
> She'd hoped to seen her sister Marrissa here, but she was off
> in some ship called the Stargazer, being second-in-command, what ever
> that was. Jackie liked her big sister, she was fun.
CROW: She also likes celery because it is tasty.
SERVO: Actually, Marrissa reminds me more of Big Brother.
> The word babysitter drifted down to Jackie's ears. That
> brought her hopes up. Marrissa had baby-sat her when Nicholas was
> born. Thoughts of what had happened then surfaced, but she shook away
> the unpleasant memory.
SERVO: Ick. Ickickickickick!
CROW: I'm getting some unpleasent ideas...
>
JOEL: A magnificiently mishandled scene change. I give it a 1.0 at least.
CROW: 0.7.
SERVO: 1.2.
> Beverly Picard surveyed the young man that Isabelle had hired
> to watch Jackie,
SERVO: [as Beverly] So, young man, how many people under the age of 18
live in your household? What's your average combined yearly income?
Approximately how many fanfics do you read each month? If you were
offered a series of fanfics about a power-mad adolescent ruling a world
in which all adults are either inept or unconscious, would you be: A -
very interested, B - somewhat interested, or C - suicidal? By the way,
there *is* a right answer to all of these.
> Theresa Isabelle's son Rene. He seemed to be a pleasant
> fellow, with a broad smile and friendly manner.
CROW: [as Beverly] Obvious child molester. Next?
> Isabelle had used him
> several times, and said he was very responsible.
JOEL: Readers, please insert your own comment here.
> "You must be Doctor Picard, I'm Tom Cox,"
[snickers from all]
> the young man said. "I
JOEL: [as Tom/Torgo] W-w-wATCH the... kids... while the MASTER is... out.
> understand I'm to watch you daughter along with Rene and Theresa
> tonight.
CROW: [as Tom] From across the street, through a window, with
binoculars... [quick beat] and a SNIPER RIFLE!
> I have a few questions to ask. When does she have to go to bed? Does
> she have any medical conditions I should know about?
JOEL: A "few questions..." meaning, in this case, "two."
> "Jackie goes to bed at 7:30," Beverly said. "She can have a
> snack before hand, but not anything with vanilla in it. She's allergic
> to it."
SERVO: [as Beverly] And she has tubes in her ears. And asthma, hay fever,
an upper respiratory infection, scurvy, rickets, eromotic syndrome,
Tarellian plague and a touch of the gout. She isn't allowed to get wet,
and, oh, don't feed her after midnight. Just trust me on that one.
>
CROW: An utterly pointless scene that is introduced awkwardly and exited
even more awkwardly. Classic Ratliff.
> Jackie was playing with blocks.
JOEL: [as Jackie, dumb] Block taste like *wood!*
> She wanted to play with the dolls,
> but Theresa was, and wouldn't let her join in.
SERVO: But *Jackie* knew where Mommy's gun was.
> Rene would. She liked her
> cousin Rene. Together they were building a castle.
CROW: See Rene. See Jackie. See blocks. See Jackie play with blocks. Rene
sees Jackie play with blocks.
> Rene was much better
> at building things than Jackie. Jackie's tower fell.
JOEL: Ratliff's prose is so... descriptive... I'm overcome by his mastery
of the English language.
> She stamped her foot
> once in frustration.
SERVO: --Knocking over *his* tower.
> "It okay, Jackie," Rene said. "Mine always fall."
> "They not yet," Jackie said.
> "They will," Rene said.
CROW: You know, I think *this* is the best scene in the entire fanfic.
SERVO: I agree.
JOEL: Yeah.
CROW: The dialogue is his best ever.
> Jackie looked up from their creation. There was man watching
> them that Jackie had never seen. "Who that?"
> "That Tom, babysitter," Rene said. "He nice."
SERVO: [as Rene] Tell Jackie about the rabbits, Tom.
> Jackie walked over to the man. "You not 'Rissa" she said.
CROW: So, half the kids in the Ratliffverse™ are Nobel-prize-winning
nuclear physicists, and the other half are hopelessly inarticulate dopes.
JOEL: So, on average, everything's normal, then.
SERVO: Go stick one hand in a toaster and the other in an ice bucket,
Joel. On average, you're comfortable.
> "No I'm not," the man replied. "I'm Tom. Who is 'Rissa?"
> "She big sister," Jackie said. "She my babysitter."
JOEL: Ratliff's idea of child dialogue - talk like a backwoods caveman.
> "Not tonight, Jackie," Tom said. "I'm watching Theresa, Rene,
> and you, while your mothers are out."
CROW: Whoa!
JOEL: Huge slam on Picard there!
SERVO: Excuse me while I go throw up all over myself.
> "I want 'Rissa," Jackie said.
> "I can't help you there. I don't know where she is," Tom said.
> "Perhaps you can tell me about her."
CROW: [as Jackie] She want to be HU-man. She want to live, like the HU-
man.
> "'Rissa real smart," Jackie began. "She number one on
> Stargazer. Has neat room. No one order her. She play with me. Not
> hog dolls like 'Resa. Dad worry about her. Says she not know fear.
JOEL: [as Jackie] Says all tremble before her.
> I want to see 'Rissa."
SERVO: [as Jackie] She friends with author. Author make 'Rissa
invincible.
> "As I said earlier, I don't know where she is," Tom said in a
> mellow voice. "Do you want me to see if we can get Theresa to share
> the dolls with you?"
> Jackie shook her head yes.
CROW: It's the Mobius Strip of scenes - it leaded nowhere, came from
nowhere, and was *completely* gratuitous
>
> Marrissa was not feeling in her element.
CROW: They ran out of scum and filth.
> She sat at the head of the
> table in the fighter debriefing room. It was the position of the
> person in command.
SERVO: And she's *not* feeling in her element?
> The other starship Captains were still moving around the room.
> The commander of the Nimitz had yet to arrive, and they weren't
> beginning until he did.
CROW: It'll probably be a while, since the captain has been dead for
about 450 years.
> This just left her sitting nervously in the chair at the head
> of the table. She was only fifteen. She was only a first officer,
JOEL: Fifteen and *only* a First Officer? Boy, good thing she didn't
waste time going to the Academy, her career is going nowhere.
> her Captain
> was in a coma in Sickbay.
SERVO: And with the medical technobabble generator still down, the
prognosis was grim.
> With the exception of Lieutenant Williams, the
> Chief Engineer of the Virginia who had taken command after the
> Virginia's bridge had been sheared off, she was the lowest ranked
> person in the room.
CROW: So naturally, she's in charge of everyone else.
> She really didn't feel like sitting in her seat. It felt wrong.
ALL: [in unison] Our feelings exactly.
SERVO: You know, after God-knows-how many stories that have landed her
imperious and totally perfect rump in that particular ivory throne, you'd
think she'd get used to it.
> She was
> use to giving orders, on the bridge. She'd even lead mission briefings
> before. Somehow this was different though.
JOEL: [as Marrissa] No one's dead yet. I'm displeased.
> Finally, Captain Greer of the Nimitz arrived. He immediately
> took the seat to the right of Marrissa. Greer was the senior officer.
> "Good Evening Commander, you look like you're enjoying command,"
CROW: [as Greer] I'm not entirely sure those eunuchs carrying your throne
are allowed under Starfleet regulations, though...
> he said. "I
> told my first officer that you'd be commanding a fleet some day, after
> you poked holes in Admiral Scholl's plan."
JOEL: [as Marrissa] Gee, I get the feeling you're directing some
*hostility* towards me.
> "This is not how I planned on doing it," Marrissa said, as the
> other commanding officers began to take a seat. "Are you sure you
> don't want the job?"
SERVO: [as Greer] Oooh, noo, it'll go straight to my legs, really, you
have it.
> "Commander, you found a way out of a whole sale slaughter,"
> Greer said.
CROW: It's a wholesale slaughter of savings, at Menards!
> "There is a no officer here who had the ability or courage to do so.
CROW: [as Greer, nervously] Except of course for that lieutenant
commander you ordered killed, and that captain whose ship you fired upon-
not that those are bad things, oh Great One!
> Captain Sinclair yielded command to you. We have no need or want to
> gainsay his opinion.
JOEL: [as Greer] Plus, if we do, we'll be killed off SO fast.
> You got us out of trouble and on our way back to
> our lines. The least we can do is to continue to follow you."
> The other Captains, now seated at the table, responded with a
> chorus of
ALL: [as captains] ARE YOU NUTS?
> "Here, Here."
SERVO: [as Captains] More beer over here!
> "In that case, I'd like a status report on each ship," Marrissa
> said. "Captain Greer."
> "I'm afraid the Nimitz is going to have to be abandoned," Greer
> began. "We've got massive coolant contamination problem.
CROW: [as Greer] I can't for the life of me figure out how all that
strawberry juice got in there.
> We've stabilized all
> systems, but the ship itself is fast becoming uninhabitable. If this
> weren't a war situation, we could be towed to a Starbase and be
> decontaminated in a week. Since we are at war, we are going to have to
> abandon her."
SERVO: [as Greer] I'll end my report by repeating the opening line. "I'm
afraid the Nimitz is going to have to be abandoned."
> "Lieutenant Williams, what's the status of the Virginia?"
> Marrissa said.
> "We've lost our bridge, along with most of our command crew,"
> Williams said. "Other than that, we are in good repair.
CROW: [as Williams] We didn't need that part of the hull anyway.
> I'm a little short in the
> security department, and I'm all out of photon torpedoes."
JOEL: [as Williams, moronically] Speaking metaphorically, of course.
> "Would you object to Captain Greer taking command of your
> vessel?" Marrissa asked.
> "No sir, I would not," Williams said. "I can command in a
> pinch, but I prefer not to."
SERVO: [as Williams] Because, as stated earlier, I have security issues
to work out.
> "Captain Greer, after we're done, any person needing additional
> crew will stay here," Marrissa said. "I'll assign a couple wings of
> fighters to escort your departing crew. Take the torpedoes as well.
> I'm sure your new command can use them. Leave your ship on minimum
> power. Hopefully, after the war, we'll be able to come back and get
> her.
CROW: [as Marrissa] In the meantime, I'm sure our adversaries will
appreciate us leaving a mostly-functioning ship lying around!
> Anyone else have problems?"
JOEL: [as a captain] I...uh...can't openly express my love for my wife.
> After a moment's silence, she continued, "Then I can expect all
> of your ships to be up to specs."
> "Commander, if the Virginia isn't above specs by the time you
> order us out, you can have my commission," Lieutenant Williams said.
SERVO: [as Williams] Plus 15% of the gross, *plus* a share of
syndication.
> "Okay, then at 0900 hours tomorrow morning, we'll depart,"
> Marrissa said. "Taking a course towards Risa at warp 8 should bring us
> into contact with our lines around 1300. Until then, keep the chatter
> to a minimum. We probably can't evacuate the Nimitz without some
> noise, but the less we make the better. My Fighter Commander has
> already informed me that Red Wing has killed one Jem'Hadar scout."
>
JOEL: [as Marrissa] So on that note let's wrap this scene.
[commercials]
> Chapter Four
>
> The Enterprise was under attack. Four Jem'Hadar battleships
> were attacking her in concert.
JOEL: And you thought *Kiss* was a show!
> Her only help was a trio of Excelsior Class
> ships, who were held up by a half dozen Jem'Hadar scouts themselves.
SERVO: [newscaster voice] Three Excelsior class starships were held up by
a band of Jem Hadar scouts today. The scouts made off with four kegs of
Romulan ale, six gallons of Saurian brandy, six liters of anti-matter,
two cartons of tribbles and three cases of Tranya.
CROW: *And* a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster.
JOEL: [softly, an aside] And two hard boiled eggs.
> Rear Admiral Jean-Luc Picard sat in his chair. His expression
> was determined, no one was getting his ship. Captain Riker was at the
> helm, taking the place of an injured ensign. Data sat at Operations,
> unreadable as always.
SERVO: [as Data, monotone] Data unreadable. Abort, retry, fail?
> The Bridge was standing up well to the fight. So far, no
> panels had blown.
CROW: And no ensigns with odd names were killed yet.
> Still, the dark red lit bridge of battle gave a sense of
> urgency. It was deserved. The Enterprise was shaking under fire.
> "Shields at 42 percent, Admiral," the tactical officer said.
> "Number One, hard to port," Picard ordered. "Mr Data, any word
> on reinforcements?"
SERVO: [as Data] Yes, but the word is "unxious," so you won't get to use
it a whole lot.
> "No sir," Data replied. After a moment, he spoke up again.
> "I'm detecting multiple warp signatures coming from Cardassian Occupied
> Space. At least a dozen."
JOEL: [as Picard] Is that a regular dozen, or a baker's dozen?
> "We really could use those reinforcements now," Riker
> commented, as the Enterprise made a close pass over one of the
> Jem'Hadar battleships.
CROW: Why can't they just retreat? They don't seem to be guarding
anything important.
> "Incoming call from the approaching ships," Data announced.
> "Identified as the Seventh Fleet, lead by the Stargazer, Commander
> Marrissa Picard commanding."
> "Put her on," Admiral Picard ordered. Marrissa appeared in the
> holographic display beside the viewscreen.
JOEL: Hey! They stole our HexField Viewscreen!
> "Need a hand, Dad?" Marrissa asked.
CROW: [as Picard / Ash] GIVE ME BACK MY HAND!
> "If you don't mind, Marrissa," Jean-Luc Picard said. "It does
> look bad when the Federation Flagship is not winning the battle."
JOEL: [as Marrissa] Like I'll ever have that problem.
> "It does?" Marrissa said. "I'll remember that.
CROW: [as Marrissa] Now, get bent, old timer!
> Jay launch all fighters.
> Let me show you what my ship and the Seventh Fleet can do.
JOEL: Uh... next to nothing?
> Stargazer out."
> On the Enterprise's main screen, the Stargazer decelerated from
> warp. Seven wings of Seven fighters
CROW: As I was on my way to St. Ives
I met a fleet with seven ships.
Each ship had seven bays.
Each bay had seven fighters.
Each fighter had seven torpedoes.
Torpedoes, fighters, bays, ships,
How many blow up at St. Ives?
> left her bays, their wings tipped red, blue,
> green, yellow, orange, purple, and black.
SERVO: Always color-code your files, receipts, floppy disks and fighter
shuttles.
> All but the Black wing took up
> chase of Jem'Hadar scouts. Black moved in to guard the Enterprise.
> From behind the Stargazer, eleven more ships had come out of warp.
CROW: And they had *how many* ships before the fanfic started? 120?
JOEL: Sad, really.
> The Ambassador Class starship Kentucky lead the Excelsior Class
> starships Hikura, Hermes and Churchill after one battleship.
SERVO: Now *THERE'S* an effective usage of ship power.
> Anther battleship faced
> the wrath of Captain Greer on the Virginia. He lead the Sullivans, the
> Majestic, and the Pike in a rush designed to make sure he didn't have
> to abandon another ship.
JOEL: This time, he was going out in a blaze of glory.
> The Rabin,
SERVO: Edgar Allen Poe with a--
JOEL: Stop. Now.
> the Paris, and the Devin joined the
> Stargazer in an attack on the third battleship. The Enterprise's
> Escorts, whose attackers now had other things to worry about, now took
> on the fourth battle ship.
SERVO: [perky female voice] All right, girls, let's escort the heck out
of this one!
> "Commander Riker, move in on the ship that the Lee, the Perry,
> and the Patton are targeting," Admiral Picard ordered.
CROW: I wonder what'll happen when Ratliff runs out of famous American
generals' names to use.
SERVO: The USS Huey, the USS Louie, and the USS Dewey, that's what'll
happen.
> "Captain, the fighter wing is shooting down all incoming
> torpedoes," the tactical officer reported. "Shields are beginning to
> regain power."
>
> A Jem'Hadar scout cut in front of the Enterprise,
SERVO: [as Picard] Hey, use your damn signal!
> the seven fighters of
> purple wing on it's tail.
JOEL: [patronizingly] Today's crappy fanfic is brought to you by the
number "seven."
CROW: --As in, the "seven" circles of HELL.
> The Enterprise fired on it. One scout down.
> The wing turned toward the scout blue wing was chasing. As they
> passed, it left seven lines of burning Jem'Hadar hull behind it.
JOEL: Spelling out "I was buzzed by a bunch of kids."
> Not all Federation
> weaponry was on the same settings. Suddenly all over the battle field,
> the Federation fire got a lot more deadly.
SERVO: Someone *finally* took the weapons out of "please don't hurt me"
mode and kicked them up to "mega-death." Now if Data can just figure out
the game cheats...
CROW: How can Data type IDKFA without a keyboard?
> First it was the Virginia's target,
> then the Kentucky's, the one two explosions rocked the Enterprise back
> and forth. One by one, the Jem'Hadar scouts died under fire of the
> fighters of the Stargazer.
JOEL: After preparing for battle by watching countless martial arts
movies, the Jem'Hadar came at the Stargazer in the tried and true "one at
a time" fashion.
> The Enterprise, the Lee, the Perry, and the Patton
> destroyed their designated battleship.
> That left the Stargazer's target. The Stargazer lead a run
> down it's kneel, stern to bow. Just as the Stargazer cleared the bow,
> a torpedo impacted right were the port lower warp nacelle was attached.
> The nacelle spun off and exploded. The Stargazer limped off at
> impluse,
JOEL: As Marrissa makes a note to herself, "Turns out snuggling up to the
enemy battle cruiser is a *bad* idea".
> but it's
> attacker wasn't so lucky.
SERVO: It made the mistake of pausing for a half-second trying to figure
out what the hell "impluse" meant.
> A score of torpedoes from the Rabin and the
> Devin, impacted on the battleship's rear. The explosion engulfed the
> Jem'Hadar battleship's rear, expanding along it's length, consuming the
> ship in an orange and yellow fireball.
CROW: Ohh, shouldn't have gone to that bean festival...
>
> "All Jem'Hadar ships destroyed, sir," Data reported. "Incoming
> call from the Stargazer."
> "On screen, Mister Data," Rear Admiral Jean-Luc Picard ordered.
> "Let's see how my daughter faired."
> The bridge of the Stargazer appeared on the Enterprise's
> viewscreen. To say that it didn't look it's best was an
> understatement.
JOEL: Ah, the subtle understatement we've come to expect in the work of
Ratliff.
> The center helm
> console was in shambles. A thin haze of smoke hovered near the
> ceiling. Marrissa sat in the center seat.
SERVO: ...hastily stubbing out a joint.
> Her hair was a mess and she had a small
> cut on her left cheek. Behind her, the tactical officer had somehow
> managed to rip his left sleeve partially off.
CROW: Wow! Intense, sleeve-ripping action!
> Jay Gordon was intensely
> working at his console, ignoring the developing bruise on his head.
JOEL: After all, it didn't cause much *damage!*
SERVO: I knew that having his brain up his butt would prove advantageous
sooner or later!
> "Enterprise, this is the Stargazer," Marrissa said. "I think
> we are going to need a tow."
> "I'd be happy to provide on, Marrissa," Jean-Luc Picard said.
> "I'll tell Starbase 367 to expect us. Is there anything else you
> need?"
> "No sir," Marrissa replied. "I think we have everything pretty
> much in hand.
CROW: [as Marrissa] Got some bruises over here, torn uniforms there, we
ripped off a fender and dropped the tranny on that last run, we're
burning oil and leaking anti-matter like you wouldn't believe, and of
course most of the fleet's toast - yep, everything's under control.
> Just let me recover my fighters and we'll be ready to depart."
> "Signal when you are ready, Marrissa," Jean-Luc Picard said.
> "And have someone look at that cut, and Mr. Gordon, don't forget your
> bruise.
SERVO: [as Gordon/John Cleese] Yes, Captain, I'm doing it Captain.
> Enterprise out."
>
> Epilogue
>
> Admiral Victor Griest had just summoned Lieutenant Commander
> Marrissa Picard. The Stargazer had been towed in to dry-dock earlier
> in that day. Captain T'Gwen Washington was being transported to Vulcan
> to recover from her injures.
CROW: Ratliff never really explored the possibilities of *that* whole
issue.
> The Stargazer would take three to six weeks before it was
> ready to return to service.
JOEL: Gee, it's a good thing it wasn't *totally* scrapped... it might
take an extra *week* to fix!
> Those weren't the only reasons Griest was
> calling in the first officer of the Stargazer. Moral was the lowest it
> had been since Wolf 359.
CROW: So they thought they use Marrissa to make it even lower.
SERVO: The only way she's going to raise moral is if she's publically
executed.
> Marrissa had public relations experience as a
> Princess.
CROW: "She can wear a tiara like you wouldn't believe!"
> After her work with the Seventh Fleet, no one was going to call
> her anything less than a hero. Star Fleet needed a hero.
JOEL: What we need is a few good heros.
> Marrissa entered the room dressed in a neat uniform. Her hair
> was pulled back with a Star Fleet approved gold barrette.
CROW: If I had joined Star Fleet, completed the grueling coursework at
Star Fleet academy, and prepared myself to explore the vast unknown
expanses of the galaxy, I'd be just *thrilled* to be assigned to the
barrette-approving department.
> It was a marked contrast to
> the tired teenager who commanded the Stargazer as it was towed into
> dock.
SERVO: Looks like Stephen's taken to author-insertation.
> She stood at attention in front of Griest's desk. "Lieutenant
> Commander Marrissa Amber Picard reporting as ordered, sir."
> "Commander Picard, are you aware of Star Fleet's opinion of
> your adventures in the Seventh Fleet," the Admiral asked.
JOEL: [as Marrissa] Yes, sir. 4% are impressed but frightened, 3% were
rooting for the Jem'Hadar, 8% joined the Maqui, and 85% requested a
transfer to the Delta quadrant, effective immediately.
> "I just wanted to survive," Marrissa said. "If Star Fleet
> thinks I deserve to be reprimanded for my actions, I am willing to be
> punished.
CROW: [as Marrissa, seductively] *More* than willing. I brought my own
horsewhip.
> I
> should have been able to save all of the ships."
> "Commander Picard, we don't want to punish you for your
> actions," the Admiral said. "In fact, Star Fleet has decided to award
> you the Medal of Honor."
SERVO: That does it. Joel... Crow... I'm going to go off and have a brief
episode.
[SERVO exits left. Screams, taunts, bellows, whoops, and the like are
heard.]
> "I don't deserve it, sir," Marrissa said.
JOEL: Just what *does* Marrissa deserve? Let's ask our studio audience.
CROW: I think she deserves to be bound, gagged, lightly beaten, then
tossed into the brig and sent into the Gamma quadrant in a ship with just
impulse power, a pet targ, and Wesley Crusher for company.
JOEL: No, the PETA folks would protest, and rightly so, that such a fate
is too cruel for the poor targ. I'd like to see her tortured by one of
those Cardassian pain implants, then forced to be the sidekick on the
new, revived "Magic Johnson" talk show.
[SERVO returns from offscreen]
SERVO: You're both going too easy on her. I'd put her in charge of the
customer complaints department at AOL.
CROW: And *then* we'll zap her back to late 1994 and make her a secretary
at Comedy Central!
JOEL: [wrapping everything up] And when it's all done, she deserves to
have Counselor Troi ask, "How do you feel about that?"
> "Nonsense, you saved the remnants of the Seventh Fleet," the
> Admiral said. "You are a hero."
CROW: [as Griest] In fact, lets just stop wasting time and elect you
President!
> "No, I'm not sir," Marrissa said, defiant and sadly. "A hero
> would have saved them all. A hero would have come up with some magical
> solution, not some old pirate trick she read about in Captain Pike's
> logs. A hero's solution wouldn't have destroyed two stars."
> "A hero's worse critic is himself," Admiral Griest said.
CROW: So then who do critics have for heroes?
SERVO: Leonard Maltin: Roger Corman. Siskel: the guy who invented
Rogaine. Ebert: the guy who invented cheesecake.
> "Marrissa, you
> are a brilliant young officer, who has shown signs of becoming an
> excellent Captain some day.
SERVO: [as Griest] By which I mean tomorrow.
> You are also a teenager, going though the insecurities
> and doubt of any young lady. I know, I have one myself.
CROW: [as Griest] An Orion slave girl. I keep her chained in the
basement.
> You have to learn
> to stop second guessing you past actions. Everyone has twenty-twenty
> hindsight, Marrissa.
JOEL: [as Griest] Excepting Helen Keller, of course...
> Don't let it get you down. If you want to look
> back at what you did, try to do it without emotionally involving
> yourself too much. Both pride and contrite behavior can be a good
> officer's undoing if overdone."
CROW: This scene sounds strangely Japanese.
> "Understood sir," Marrissa said stiffly.
> Rear Admiral Jean-Luc Picard once again found Clara in the aft
> observation lounge. She was still dressed in the scarlet evening gown
> she had worn to Marrissa's award presentation. The silver tiara still
> held back her long dark hair.
JOEL: Even in the 24th century, no one can quite figure out "business-
casual."
> "What brings you here tonight, Clara?" the Admiral asked.
> "Post Social Event Euphoria," Clara replied.
CROW: Don't you mean "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?"
> "I come back from them one
> of two ways,
SERVO: Drunk or unconscious.
> extremely tired or unable to get to calm down enough to do
> anything."
CROW: [as Clara] Though recently, I've found myself ending up in this
crummy dump sputtering nonsense like I am now more and more often.
> "It was strange to see Marrissa in a dress uniform," Picard
> said. "I'm so use to her dresses at these types of events."
> "You know, five years ago you wouldn't have seen her in a
> dress," Clara said.
> "Oh?" Picard said.
CROW: [as Clara] Yeah, but *Jay,* on the other hand...
> "Yeah, she swore off dresses when she was nine after a
> embarrassing gravity failure," Clara said. "Jay still brings up her
> pink panties every once in a while to poke some fun at her."
CROW: Ugh. I am *not* touching that!
SERVO: ICK!
JOEL: I need a bath.
> "That explains Jay's comment at the Coronation Ball," Picard
> said.
SERVO: [as Picard, "adlibbing"] Because remember that he said that thing
there?
> "It's not as effective as it use to be," Clara said.
> "Especially since Marrissa found a good comeback line."
JOEL: The immortal, "I know you are... but what am I?"
> "I noticed that Jay looked uncomfortable tonight," Picard
> noted.
CROW: [as Clara] It was *his* turn to wear the pink panties.
> "He's been having to run shotgun on Hurricane Marrissa," Clara
> said.
SERVO: Is that some kind of really freaky euphemism?
> "Apparently he kept Marrissa from going out in her personal fighter to
> chat with the other Captains of the fleet. He's expecting Marrissa to
> get back at him somehow. I happen to know that she doesn't plan on it.
> In fact she has a lot more respect for Jay now that he's finally stood
> up to her."
JOEL: [as Clara] In fact, he's going to lead a perfectly safe life. In
fact, nothing will *ever* happen to him, honestly, in fact.
> "A good first officer must be willing to stand up to their
> Captain," Picard commented. "It's one of the first things I test when
> I get a new one."
CROW: [as Picard] I like my first officers pugnacious, argumentative, and
insubordinate.
> "I've been first officer for both Marrissa and Data," Clara
> said. "I think I did okay, but I'm not so sure I'd have held for the
> long term like Captain Riker."
SERVO: [as Clara] Especially when I saw that requirement where I'd have
to grow a beard and gain weight.
> "It's a position that you grow into," Picard said. "New first
> officers tend to be timid and very rarely stand up for their beliefs,
> of course I don't think Marrissa will ever be like that. Not any more.
> She, like less experienced but not new first officers, has developed
> quite a bit of boldness. Marrissa isn't the timid little girl I
> adopted anymore."
SERVO: [as Clara] That's because you actually adopted *Jackie.* Marrissa
was thrown through your window late at night.
> "That's what you get for giving a girl her dream," Clara said.
SERVO: So that's the stuff dreams are made of? Nuking solar systems and
blasting the enemy fleet, not to mention one of your own ships, into
their component atoms?
JOEL: Well, I think that *is* how Shakespeare put it.
> She
> yawned. "I better get to sleep, I'm in charge during Alpha shift
> tomorrow, and Commander La Forge prefers the duty Chief to be early."
> "Good night Clara," Picard said as the young Assistant Chief
> Engineer
CROW: Just in case you still wondering what her rank is...
> left
> the room. He turned toward the windows, looking out at the dock and
> the damaged USS Stargazer.
SERVO: [as repair man] Okay, now take that big roll of duct tape and wrap
it around the hull breaches. Wally, get the glue gun out for the new
nacelle.
>
> Aboard the Stargazer, Marrissa pulled her curtains shut,
> cutting off the view of the dock and her father's ship. She climbed
> into bed and fell asleep to the faint sounds of shipboard life.
CROW: Like "weeoo, weeoo," that humming noise, and "AAUUUGGH! IT'S EATING
MY FACE!"
>
> The End.
JOEL: And another Ratliff fanfic draws to an illogical, inept, pointless
close.
SERVO: I'm drained.
JOEL: Come on, let's go.
[JOEL picks SERVO up and leaves.]
[1...2...3...4...5...6... SOL]
[JOEL, CROW, and SERVO are sitting behind the desk.]
JOEL: [in the middle of a sentence] No, Servo, I disagree. I think
Marrissa would kill her within, ooh, five minutes.
CROW: But what would her motivation be, Joel? Why would she do such a
thing?
JOEL: Well, *duh...* Marrissa sees a queen, right?
BOTS: Yeah...
JOEL: Now, tell me, what is Marrissa's instinctive reaction to anyone
holding a seat of power?
CROW: Umm, death, dismemberment, and removal from said seat?
JOEL: Of course!
SERVO: But would she not *ever* take into consideration any personal
resemblance or likeness of the said power-holder?
JOEL: [after a seconds' thought] Nope.
CROW: Hmm...
SERVO: I don't care. I still disagree.
JOEL: I'll prove it.
[CROW and SERVO look startled]
CROW: [shocked] You don't mean...
JOEL: It's the only was to find out for sure. [smacks red button] Come
in, sirs.
[DEEP 13]
[DR. F and FRANK are onscreen]
DR. F: Yes, oh Big Bowl of Joel?
[SOL]
JOEL: Heh, real cute. Listen. Can you... [whispers something]
[DEEP 13]
DR. F: [amazed] You're crazy! Do you want to go MAD!?
[SOL]
JOEL: Well, isn't that the point of these movies and fanfics?
[DEEP 13]
DR. F: Well, yes, but... THIS?
[SOL]
JOEL: Just do it.
[DEEP 13]
DR. F: Well... if you insist... [pushes button on control panel.]
[SOL]
[Poof of smoke, and a throne appears. Clunk of DR. F hitting another
button, and a short, fat, ugly redhaired woman is plopped on the throne.
Another clunk, and a distant, offscreen door opens]
JOEL: [to BOTS] Now, just watch, as Marrissa views the Queen.
[Marrissa enters. She's a rather un-pretty young girl, very brattish.]
MARRISSA: [whiny] Hey, why the heck am I here? Man, MTV was just about to
play that Spice Girls video... [to JOEL] Do you at least have any
Strawberry--
CROW: [annoyed] No. Shut up.
MARRISSA: [whiny] BUT I DON'T *WANNA!* Man... [to JOEL] Do you at least
have some salad cream... [trails off, sees throne.]
JOEL: [to BOTS] Just watch.
MARRISSA: [to Queen] Heyy... you're on a throne.
QUEEN: [in a very deliberate, annoying, raspy voice] Rule number one.
When in my kingdom you shall hereby regard me as your *god.*
MARRISSA: [edgy] I don't think you want to say this...
QUEEN: You are *interrupting* my flow of power.
[for a second, MARRISSA is taken aback. Then, she slowly begins to smile]
MARRISSA: Mother!
QUEEN: [taken aback at first] What the...? oh my god... DAUGHTER!
[they embrace]
QUEEN: I knew the babies were switched, I knew it!
MARRISSA: That's what comes when you go to a Virginia hospital, mom.
[sinister, dramatic, yet heavenly music [basically, that means with a
chorus] begins to play]
QUEEN: Now that I am reunited with my daughter...
MARRISSA: ...And I with my mom...
BOTH: Nobody shall undermine *our* power!
JOEL: My god! They've taken to one another! This can't be happening!
SERVO: Oh, but it is!
QUEEN: Now, daughter, we shall show those Trekkies a thing, or two, about
*CONTROL.* First off. Do you know of a fellow named Jay?
MARRISSA: Oh, yes mom.
QUEEN: From now on he shall be my personal man-slave, eager to service
all of my individual needs.
MARRISSA: But of course mom!
[music steadily grows louder]
QUEEN: We shall never be killed!
MARRISSA: Of course, mom! I'll give you access to the DNA labs of the
Enterprise!
JOEL: Oh my GOD, she's messing with the hands of fate!
[music growing louder]
QUEEN: [almost shouting] We shall be forever present!
MARRISSA: And forever ruling!
BOTH: NOBODY... SHALL... OVERWHELM US!
[music almost deafening]
CROW: Joel, quick, DO something!
JOEL: I'm trying to think!
QUEEN: I love you, my daughter!
MARRISSA: I love you, mother!
[sudden explosion, as the music hits a cresando]
[smoke clears. Joel and the Bots are covered in a "canned-string"-like
substance]
JOEL: [coughing] The sheer *pompousness* overwhelmed them!
SERVO: We're safe.
CROW: They hampered with the sod lo-mein.
[DEEP 13]
DR. F: [happily] Looks like we've learned a lesson.
[SOL]
JOEL: You bet we have. Never, ever, try to inflict pain on one's self!
It's better to let one's evil oppressers do the pain-inflicting.
[DEEP 13]
DR. F and FRANK: Thank you.
[pause]
DR. F: I'm getting a sense of deja vu.
[frowns, then pushes the button]
\ | /
\ | /
\|/
---O--- Fwshhhh!
/|\
/ | \
/ | \
CAST:
Joel Hodgson ----------------- Joel Robinson
Kevin Murphy ----------------- voice of Tom Servo
Trace Beaulieu --------------- voice of Crow T. Robot
Frank Conliff ---------------- Tv's Frank
Trace Beaulieu --------------- Doctor Forrester
CREW:
Editor ----------------------- WereTorgo (BG)
Writers ---------------------- Karen Kallestad
---------------------- Tom Currie
---------------------- Petera Mitchell
---------------------- Tv's Francis
---------------------- Brian Dubic
---------------------- Satya
---------------------- Jim Whaley
and
---------------------- Glazed McGuffin Man (Steven Bateman)
Additional Riffs ------------- WereTorgo
Hosts ------------------------ WereTorgo and Karen Kallestad
Proofer ---------------------- WereTorgo
"Seventh Fleet" written by --- Stephen Ratliff
SPECIAL THANKS:
ChrisScottJoeyJessCharlottePushkinPinky&PinkyGabeandJudd
Best Brains is the owner of Mystery Science Theater 3000, the characters,
and the actors portraying said characters. (Assuming that Paul didn't
sell his soul to Pearl.) Used with undying respect.
> "'Rissa real smart," Jackie began. "She number one on
> Stargazer. Has neat room. No one order her. She play with me. Not
> hog dolls like 'Resa. Dad worry about her. Says she not know fear.
___ ___
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A B.G. Production.
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