MST3Ked: Indian Drink

Joseph Merlino

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Mar 1, 1994, 1:01:11 PM3/1/94

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[Mike is dressed in a feathered headdress and war paint. Crow and Tom are
wearing cowboy hats]

Mike: Hi everybody, and welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Mike Nelson,
and I was just showing my two jive-talkin' robot sidekicks, Tom Servo
and Crow T. Robot how to play "Cowboys and Indians".

Crow: Uh, Mike?

Mike: Yes?

Crow: Shouldn't that be "Cowboys and Native Americans"?

Servo: No, Crow, it's "Cowboys and Indigenous Peoples".

Mike: Oh, come on, guys! It's "Cowboys and Indians". Now, I'm going to do a
war dance, and then you guys ride up over the hill and try to get me.

Servo: Ooohh.. so you want *us* to be the evil European invaders who come and
steal the land that you've been living peacefully on for hundreds of
years. Is that it?

Crow: Yeah! I suppose you want *us* to exterminate you and eradicate your
language!

[Commercial sign light blinks.]

Mike: Okay, this is going to take a little explaining. We'll be right back.

*****************************************************************************

Fresh goes better.

*****************************************************************************

<SOL>

Mike: ...so you see, the cowboys were the *good* guys!

Servo: So the broken treaties and the brutality...

Crow: ...you mean they were all...

Mike Exactly!

All: Ah-hahahahahahahaha!

[Mads' light blinks]

Mike: Cool it. Mulder and Sculley are calling.

Dr.F: Hellloooooo, Mitch, and greetings to you, the differently constructed.
At the risk of interrupting your little game of divide and slaughter,
T.V.'s Frank and I have come up with a fiendish little number that we
just *had* to show you. Frank?

Frank: Thanks, Clay. Say, Mike, did you ever wish...

<SOL>

Mike: That I could get the hell out of here? You bet!

Frank: Heh-heh. No, silly. Did you ever wish that you could exact revenge upon
anyone who ever slighted you ever in your life? Suuure you do! That's
why we've invented the Karmatron.

Dr.F: That's right, Frank. The Karmatron reads your personal history, and
when it finds a past insult, it makes a ripple in the etherial
fields that govern the karmic processes. For demonstration purposes,
I'll hook up Frank, here.

[Dr.F connects electrodes to franks temples, flips a switch, and looks at a
readout]

Dr.F: Well, Frank, it says here that when you were 6, Tommy Flannagan
called you a "big doo-doo head".

Frank: Hey! I remember that! That dirty...

Dr.F: (eagerly) Shall I?

Frank: Oh, please.

[Dr.F pushes a big red button on the Karmatron. A couple of seconds pass, and
then a light goes on.]

Dr.F: Well, Frank, (suppresses a giggle) it looks like Tommy's just met
with a little...Accident!

Both: Muahahahahahahahahahahaha....

<SOL>

Mike: You guys are sick. Well, our invention is based on our Cowboys and
Indians game.

Servo: Miiiiike...

Mike: Forget it. Anyway, it's this.

[Mike goes off camera and returns wearing a cowboy hat that's at least 20 times
too big for his head]

Mike: (voice muffled by hat) It's the Ten Gallon Ten Gallon Hat.

Crow: Whaddya think, sirs?

Frank: Hey! That's great. Did I ever show you my Lederhosenhosen?

Dr.F: Oh, shut up, Frank! Your post today is another John_-_Winston
classic.

<SOL>

All: NO!

Dr.F: Yes. This time he's taking on herbal medicine. Taste the pain,
Buckeroo!

<SOL>

All: Oh, no! We got USENET sign!

1...2...3...4...5...6...

>Article: 42148 of alt.conspiracy
>Path: news.bu.edu!taco!inxs.concert.net!concert!news-feed-2.peachnet

Servo: Eat a Peachnet.

.edu!gatech!howland.reston.ans.net!vixen

Crow: Hey! I didn't know Persis Kimbata was in this!

> .cso.uiuc.edu!sdd.hp.com!portal!cup.portal.com!John_-_Winston
>From: John_-_...@cup.portal.com

Servo: (announcer voice) This year's winner of the Winston Cup...

>Newsgroups: alt.alien.visitors,alt.conspiracy,alt.religion.kibology

Servo: Hi, Kibo.

>Subject: Indian Drink.
>Message-ID: <101...@cup.portal.com>
>Date: Mon, 24 Jan 94 19:09:29 PST
>Organization: The Portal System (TM)
>References: <1993Nov4....@main.morris.org> <95...@cup.portal.com>
> <95...@cup.portal.com> <CG5zC...@world.std.com> <96...@cup.portal.com>
>Lines: 72
>Xref: news.bu.edu alt.alien.visitors:26011 alt.conspiracy:42148 alt.religion.kibology:18983
>
>Dear Folks: Here is something about a Indian drink.
>
> Essiac is an Ojibway

Crow: (Barney Fife voice) Yeah, you take the Ojibway over to I-93, and
head due north until you hit the Kangamangas Highway...

> Indian herbal drink. In 1923 a Canadian
> nurse named Rene Caisse discovered that one of her c-----

Servo: Canker sore?

> pa-
> tients, who had been officially declared incurable, made a com-
> plete recovery after taking Essiac. Experimenting with other
> incurable c-----

Crow: Chlamydia?

> patients, Rene found that many of them recovered
> after starting a regimen of taking Essiac twice daily.
> Rene Caisse then began a 60 year treatment program

Servo: 60 years? Jeez, by the time you're cured, you're dead of old
age!

> of offering
> Essiac to c------

Mike: Chest pains?

> patients. She documented thousands of cases of
> her patients who were cured of c-----.

Crow: Crabs?

> In 1937 the Royal C-----

Servo: Canadian Kilted Yaksmen?

> Commission of Canada conducted hearings concerning Essiac. Rene
> Caisse's documented evidence was presented to the commission.
> The commission's conclusion was that

Mike: ..."_-_" is a stupid thing to put in the middle of your name?

Servo: ...Ratliff is a lousy writer?

Crow: I vote for all of the above.

> Essiac was a cure for c---
> ---.

Mike: Cowlick?

> The Canadian newspapers created such a furor about this one
> nurse's efforts that in 1938 the Canadian Parliament voted to let
> Rene use Essiac as a cure for c-----.

Servo: Cholera?

> The vote was close, but
> Essiac failed by three votes to be approved as an officially
> sanctioned cure for c-----.

Crow: Cleptomania?

> In the 1960's Rene Caisse worked with the well known Brusch
> Clinic in Massachusetts.

Mike: No, no... That's the *Brush* Clinic. It's a home for retired
Fuller salesmen.

> Dr. Brusch was the personal physician
> for President John F. Kennedy. After researching Essiac for 10
> years, Dr. Brusch made the following statement:

Crow: (as Brusch) "Ich bin ein nincompoop."

> "Essiac is a
> cure for c-----,

Servo: Chlorine poisoning?

> period.

All: (Make Victor Borge 'phonetic punctuation' noises)

> All studies done at laboratories in the
> United States and Canada support this conclusion." Further
> studies showed Essiac to assist in recovery from many terminal
> illnesses,

Crow: *Terminal* illness? Like netlag? Screen jitters?

> such as A---,

Servo: Assanine posts?

> and l----.
>

All: LOSERHOOD!!!!

> Free Report about Essiac: To receive an informative report, send
> a self addressed stamped envelope to: Essiac, 4118 Montrose Ct.,

Servo: (sings) "We all went down to Montrose..."

Mike: No, that's Montreaux

Servo: Oh.

> Dept. F,

Mike: You think that's any relation to Dr.F?

> Orlando FL 32812.
> The Essiac Handbook: Complete and detailed information about
> Essiac is available in The Essiac Handbook. This handbook ex-
> plains how many people

Crow: *How* many people?

> have reported Essiac as enhancing the
> immune system, assisting in the recovery from other degenerative
> diseases, maintaining wellness,

Mike: Taking care of the kids, washing the car...

Servo: ...oh, cooking meals, picking up around the house...

Mike: ...doing the laundry, answering the phone...

Crow: ...maintaining discipline...

M & S: Huh??

> and acting as a detoxifying
> agent. It also tells about the four special herbs,

Mike: (Art Fern voice) Mmm HMMMM! That's good herb!

[I know, I know, that's a Joel line. I couldn't resist. Sue me. -JM]

> how they
> work, how to prepare the remedy, and how to use it. The handbook
> is available by mail order for XXXXX.
>

Servo: Is that fifty bucks or a jug of moonshine?

> DISCLAIMER: We are not permitted, nor do we, in this handbook
> make any claims that Essiac will cure any disease.

Servo: ...despite what we just said in the above four paragraphs.

> We have only
> gathered together in this easy-to-read

Mike: And really, shouldn't all vital scientific information be
easy-to-read?

> handbook all of the al-
> ready published information that is available to the general
> public about Essiac so that you may better make informed deci-
> sions.

Crow: With information like this, who needs fraud?

> The documents which were used to compile this handbook
> are listed in the bibliography. Consult your physician before
> using Essiac.

Mike: Yeah, and consult your psychiatrist before reading John_-_Winston.

> Bottles of Essiac: Bottles of the Essiac herbal remedy can be
> purchased by mail order for XXXXX per 16 oz. bottle, plus XXXX
> shipping and handling per order.

Servo: Another jug of moonshine just for shipping and handling?

>
> Dried Herbal Mix: Should you wish to prepare your own Essiac
> drink, you may mail order a packet of the dried herb combination,

Crow: Isn't that illegal?

> which will allow you to prepare approximately one half gallon of
> the drink, for XXXXX per packet plus XXXXXX shipping and handling
> per order.
>
> To Mail Order: Ravelco, 4524 Curry Ford Rd., Suite 530
> Orlando, FL 32812 Tel: (407) 859-8638 or
> 859-7075
>JW I wonder how the drink tastes. Since I started taking a Sir Jason
>Colen Cleanser and Laxative I'm a regular guy.

All: Eeeeewwwww!

Crow: Thank you for sharing, John.

> It's sort of like the
>old saying about about Habacol, before I started taking Habacol I couldn't
>spit over my chin. Now that I've been taking Hadacol I can spit all over
>my chin.

All: EEEEWWWWWWWWWW!!!

>
>John Winston.
>

Servo: You forgot the _-_.

Crow: How do you pronounce that?

Servo: Pronounce what?

Crow: "_-_".

Servo: Just like that.

Crow: Oh.

>John Winston.

Crow: _-_.

6...5...4...3...2...1...

[Crow and Tom are sobbing.]

Mike: There, there, guys. Try to take it easy.

Crow: I can't take many more of these Winston posts, Mike. They're *so*
dumb!

Servo: Yeah, and there are so *many* of them!

Mike: Let me see if I can help you out. (picks up guitar, begins to sing)
"When you're down and troubled/and you need some love and care/and
nothin', oh, nothin' is goin' right...

Crow: Uh, Mike?

Mike: What?

Crow: Don't. Just don't.

Mike: Uh, okay. Whaddya think, sirs?

[Dr.F is not visible. Frank is at the Karmatron, twiddling knobs. He pushes
the big red button. After a few seconds the light begins to blink. Dr.F
runs across the field of vision persued by a fist that is bigger than he
is. Frank begins to laugh. He looks into the camera, still laughing, and
pushes the button.]

Dr.F: (over dark screen) FRAAAAAANNNNNNNKK!!!

Credits:

Skits and MiSTing by Joe Merlino

Original Post by John_-_Winston.

Disclaimer: Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its characters and situations
are the property of Best Brains, Inc. Their use here is for entertainment
purposes only. I did not make any money off of this, so please don't sue me.

Indian Drink is the property of John Winston, although why he would want
to have that known is beyond me. The use of Mr. Winston's article here is
not intended as a personal attack, but *is* intended to convey the fact that
I believe the content to be unadulterated bunk.

> She documented thousands of cases of Essiac being used as a cure for
> C-----.

Just Another Redneck Paisan
_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
--Joe Merlino / "Never look too deep into the mind of a lawyer."
ko...@acs.bu.edu / -Brisco County, Jr.
(std disclaimers apply) /
T/_/H/_/I/_/N/_/K/_/_/A/_/T/_/_/Y/_/O/_/U/_/R/_/_/O/_/W/_/N/_/_/R/_/I/_/S/_/K/
obmst3k: "Milk: It does a body DEAD!" -Tom Servo
"You're not fully dead unless you're ZESTfully dead." -Crow T. Robot

Erin Cash

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Mar 2, 1994, 8:42:18 PM3/2/94

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What's the deal with c______ , A____ , and l_____ ?
Why can't he actually type the words?
Also, forgive the temporary brain lapse, but what exactly is l_____ ?

---- Erin
ca...@math.orst.edu

"It's spelled Raymond Luxury Yacht, but it's pronounced
Throat Warbler Mangrove."

Dave Van Domelen

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Mar 2, 1994, 9:34:26 PM3/2/94

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In article <2l3f9q$h...@gaia.ucs.orst.edu>,

Erin Cash <ca...@math.orst.edu> wrote:
>
>What's the deal with c______ , A____ , and l_____ ?
>Why can't he actually type the words?
>Also, forgive the temporary brain lapse, but what exactly is l_____ ?

You see, if the words are typed, then the article makes claims that the
drink can cure the diseases. But if he just types c_____, he's not *strictly*
claiming it can cure cancer. Or AIDS. Or, I dunno, lemurs?
D___ V__ D______