MiSTing: Katira's Tale, part 2.
Amanda Van Rhyn
the crummy formatting, but I don't really have the time to go through
each post and edit, just because of the sheer length of this one. For
those people out there that maintain archives, I'll probably send you a
well-formatted text copy. Anyway, on with the show.
> He was very handsome, and looked about 18 or so.
TOM: Oh, of course! Can’t have any old, middle-aged, ugly, or
average-looking heroes in Disney movies!
MIKE: What about Quasimodo?
TOM: No comment.
> Muscles rippled all over his body, and a sword gleamed by his side.
> He ran a hand through his blond hair, and fixed his blue cape.
MIKE: <boy> I am... SuperGreek!
> She felt she was supposed to know who he was, but she hadn’t a clue.
> “Like I said, it was nothing,” she said lightly, “Who are you,
> anyway?” He looked at her, obviously surprised.
CROW: <boy> Don’t you recognize me?! I’m faster than a speeding
arrow! More powerful that a Spartan phalanx!
> “Me? I’m Hercules!”
ALL: Dunh DUNH DUUUUUUNHHHHH! Exposition to the Rescue!
> he answered, incredulous at the question. The girl just raised her
> eyebrows slightly, but did nothing.
> “That’s nice,” she said. Hercules was puzzled.
> “You aren’t doing anything,” he remarked.
> “No, I’m not. So your name’s Hercules. Big deal. If you’ve want to
> make a fuss over it, that’s your problem, pal,” she said, a touch of
> exasperation in her voice.
TOM: She’s a Greek Wild Rebel!
> Herc
CROW: Wait, shouldn’t those four letters be followed by -ules ?
TOM: Not in Disney fanboy talk...
CROW: Fanboy? But isn’t Erato female?!
TOM: (sighs) Crow, you should know by now that fanboy is really a
unisex word.
> smiled. For once, there was a girl who didn’t make any fuss over him.
> In fact, this girl, whoever she was, kind of reminded him of Meg.
MIKE: OK, ya got me here, fanfic. Who’s Meg?
TOM: Um, Megara, the wife whom he would later kill in a fit of rage.
That’s why he performed the Twelve Labors; it was repentance.
You see, the entire story of Hercules in Greek mythology was a
parable for not knowing one’s own strength...
MIKE: Well, yeah, but you know. This is Disney. We can’t have the
real story or anything.
> Meg, he remembered rather guiltily, was back home at Thebes, waiting for
> his return. He shrugged.
TOM: <Hercules> What she doesn't know can't hurt her.
> “Surprise, surprise,” mumbled Herc to himself.
> “What brings you here anyway?” asked the concealed girl.
> “Well, I was told a monster was around here,
MIKE: <Protagonist Girl, high falsetto> Well, that's me!
> and when I fought it off,
CROW: <Hercules> I fled in complete abject terror, screaming like a
little girl and wetting my armo ... er, no... I slew it with the
power in my mighty thews! Yeah, that’s better. Hehehehe.
> my pet Pegasus
TOM: OK, bastardized mythology, make up your mind! Is he Hercules or
Bellerophon? Sheesh, next thing you know, he’ll slay Medusa while his
wings melt in the sun.
CROW: I think you just found the next plot development, Tom!
> ran away for some reason I don’t know. So, here I am, with nowhere to go,”
> he answered, still a little ticked off at Peg leaving him behind at
> Athens.
CROW: <Hercules> I'll kill him, I say! I'll kill him!
MIKE: Calm down. Sheesh.
> “Hmph. Sounds like fun,” she laughed sarcastically.
MIKE: My, that’s a long sarcastic laugh.
> Herc smiled.
> “So, what do you do around here? I get to be a hero,”
TOM: Uh, Mike?
MIKE: Yeah?
TOM: Do you still have those dried frog pills I asked you to keep for
me?
MIKE: Yeah... why?
TOM: I think I’m desperately going to need some to avoid ranting
about how badly Disney screwed up this myth.
MIKE: Ah. OK. Here, have two dried frog pills and two Bacon Pills.
(He hands them to Tom, who scarfs them down. Crow says ‘Hmph’ in a
tone that suggests he thinks Tom is cheating.)
> he asked, trying to make conversation with his rescuer. It was too bad
> she wore that cloak, since it hid her from view.
CROW: I would say he's lucky.
(Mike nods)
> “Oh, now isn’t that nice?
MIKE: <our protagonist as Church Lady> Isn’t that
*conveeeeeeeeenient*.
> Around here, not much. Normally, I’d get you something to eat, but times
> are tough. It’s not that I like my life in this condition, and if I can,
> I buy what I need,
TOM: Well, duh.
CROW: <Protagonist Girl> I'm going to buy something that's
totally useless!
> but lately, I haven’t been able to afford anything,” she said.
TOM: Poor girl, not even enough money for one of Dibblerius’s
Sensational Souvlakis.
(Mike looks confused... at least, as far as we can tell from the
Shadowrama silhouette of the back of his head.)
CROW: (to Tom) Enough Pratchett refs... we’re starting to scare Mike.
> “So, what’s your name? Where are you from? I’m from Thebes.”
> “Well, I was born in Delphi, mostly raised in Corinth,
TOM: Raised by wolves?
CROW: No, I think that's "in the jungle."
> and I recently made a move here to Athens from Olympia. I tend to move a
> lot.
MIKE: <Protagonist Girl> You see, it’s really easy to pack up your
things and go when you’re a penniless beggar!
CROW: <P.G., singing> Lord, I was born a rambling dork...
> As for my name, these days, I think it’s “Thief”!” she laughed.
MIKE: Wow, interesting laugh.
CROW: Please, Erato, tell me you’re kidding! It takes you this long
to give this character a name, and it turns out to be “Thief”?!
> “Why?” asked Herc, a little surprised by her answers, especially the
> last one.
> “I don’t like being dishonest, and as I said, I buy my needs when I
> can. It’s just that as of late, I haven’t gotten any money.
> I practically try to sell myself to the people, but they won’t buy.
(Mike and Tom look at Crow)
CROW: I’m not going to say anything about that.
MIKE: That’s a good bot.
> And if I’m broke, what do you expect me to do? I’ve tried the begging
> thing, but it didn’t work out. Anyway, it was too humiliating, since I’m
> too proud to resort to that, but then, most people are.
TOM: <”Thief”, Protagonist Girl, whatever she is right now> Besides,
if I was a beggar, I couldn’t be a chooser.
> So, anyway, I steal.
CROW: <Protagonist Girl> Oh, and I do drugs, but not the hard stuff.
TOM: Like we're supposed to sympathize with that...
I don’t steal money, I try to earn it. I only
> steal food, cloth, water, whatever.”
CROW: Oh, big difference there. You don’t steal any actual money...
you just steal the stuff that would have been the entire purpose of
having the money! I get ya!
> Herc’s jaw dropped open audibly.
MIKE: Splat!
TOM: Crash! Bam!
CROW: *THUD*!
TOM: Oooh, Dalgar’s getting in this one now? How... dwarfy!
> He’d never known anybody who had to steal before, nor did he know what
> it was like to be penniless.
CROW: Well, of course not... he *was* the illegitimate son of a god
and a Thebian princess...
TOM: Hate to burst your lacrosse net, Crow, but in the Disney version
he’s the legitimate son of Zeus and Hera. Doesn’t make any sense, but
it displays family values...
CROW: So only the story is bastardized now?
MIKE: All right, you were toeing the line there, buddy.
> True, as a child he wasn’t exactly rich, but he and his adoptive parents
> still had enough money to support the family.
MIKE: Ah, smell that aroma of bastardized-mythological backstory we
missed.
> Now, he was one of the richest people in all of Greece, able to buy
> anything he could ever want.
CROW: Hercules! You're a freaking god!
> The girl’s situation wasn’t at all what he was expecting.
TOM: So, when he gets pulled aside by a homeless person in a
shapeless robe, he expects her to have a stable income?
MIKE: A dumb god, it seems.
TOM: No, I think the word is ignorant.
MIKE: Oh, yeah.
> “So what is your name?” he pressed. She sighed softly.
CROW: Please, Erato, tell us already!! Naming your protagonist helps
a lot!!
> “I wish I knew, Hercules. The truth is, I never really had a name.
ALL: Aaaaaaaaaargggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh!
CROW: Erato, if you have something against naming your characters,
why don’t you just say so?!
> Something happened to my folks before I got to know them or my own name
> well,
TOM: We know what it is, Protagonist Girl. It’s called a plot
contrivance.
> and nobody really bothered to name me, since I never stayed in a home
> longer than a few months.
MIKE: Ah, so she was just a really awful squatter.
CROW: Or a really good arsonist.
> I don’t remember them, my real parents, that is, at all. All I know is
> that I’m about 3/4 immortal,
TOM: Soooo... she doesn’t know who her parents are, but she can
automatically assume godly lineage? For all she knows, she could just
be carrying on the family begging business.
> but it’s that one-quarter human that keeps me down here,”
TOM: Whoa, let's just re-write Greek mythology here. Stupid Disney.
MIKE: What's not wrong with Disney?
TOM: Nothing.
> she answered wistfully, pointing to the ground.
MIKE: <Protagonist Girl> Yeah, and that pesky law of gravity.
> “Boy, do I know the whole part-god scenario.
CROW: But... according to the Disney version he’s all god... oh, man,
I’m confused.
TOM: Y’know, I’d rather watch the Eddie Murphy version of
_Dr. Dolittle_ at this point... at least it unashamedly ignored the
very existence of the novels, while Disney’s _Hercules_ got *just*
enough mythology right to show they knew the real story and just
didn’t care!! Aaaarrrggghh! I think I need another dried frog pill,
Mike.
(Mike passes Tom another dried frog pill and watches him take it.)
> Technically, I should be on Mount Olympus, but a couple things happened,
TOM: ... on the way to the Forum?
(Mike and Crow groan)
MIKE: No! Not a story where a couple things happened!! Say it ain't
so, Erato!
> and here I am. Just curious, but if you don’t mind, how’d you survive
> without your parents?”
MIKE: Mmm, maybe she's part god?! <To C&T> Ignorant?
TOM: Very.
> “I stayed with people who’d take me in for a while. After some time,
> when I’d worn away my welcome,
TOM: Yeah, you know how it is... those part-gods are so cute when
they’re little, but when they start to grow up and wreck the
furniture you have to go have them put down.
> I’d go find somewhere else to live. Nobody ever bothered to give me a
> name, and since I spent a good deal of it, my life I mean, alone, ever
> since I was six.
CROW: So, her parents took care of her until she was six, and she
can’t remember them or her own name?! Charlie Gordon pre-operation
could have taken this chick in a battle of wits!
TOM: Or Lenny, or Groo, or Homer Simpson, or Constable Detritus,
or Barliman Butterbur, or...
MIKE: OK, guys, we get the idea.
> I never needed to have one since there wasn’t anyone to call me by a
> name.”
> “I suppose we’ll have to come up with one for you,” suggested Herc.
TOM: Wow... good thinking, Hercules! Main characters with names, what
a concept!
> “Whatever. Go ahead and try. Jeez, it’s kind of hot.
MIKE: I’m not sure what’s worse in that piece of dialogue... the
non sequitur pacing or the fact that people were apparently taking
the Lord’s name in vain back in the BC’s.
> I’d like to take off my cloak, but-but-”
CROW: <Protagonist Girl> I don't want you to know that I'm
really an alien sent to destroy earth.
She didn’t end her sentence,
> but her head appeared to drop slightly.
> “But what?” asked Herc gently.
> “Well, the truth is, I’m a little ashamed of the way I look,” she
> said, fidgeting.
> “It’s okay. I won’t mind. Your voice sounds pretty, at the very
> least,” said Herc.
CROW: Besides, if she wasn’t beautiful, she’d have to have a great
personality, and we’ve already proved that wrong...
> “All right, but don’t say you weren’t warned!” And so, she began
> untying the closure strings. The shabby brown hood fell off her head,
> and she tossed the garment off to her side.
TOM: Woohoo! Take it all off, baybay!
MIKE: Crow... remember... oh, wait, never mind. Tom!
> Herc gave a startled gasp,
TOM: ... as one of her tentacles reached out choked him to death.
> and could only gape at her.
CROW: <Hercules> Wow, she looks like Megara... and Esmerelda... and
Jasmine... and Ariel... and Cinderella... and Pocahontas... and most
other Disney movie heroines for that matter!
> She had a head full of sleek, dark, mahogany-brown curls,
MIKE: Her head was *full* of hair? So it was actually *inside*? That
explains a lot.
> that were occasionally knotted in tangles.
TOM: <Protagonist Girl> Tee hee, those aren’t tangles, those are the
snake heads! Ooops... he’s already stone.
> Her eyes were large and shining, the grey-blue of a stormy sea.
CROW: Aww, noone can resist her Bambi eyes.
> She was 5’7 1/2” tall,
TOM: Ooh! Stats! You know, this get better and better.
MIKE: Does it really?
TOM: No.
> with a 38-19-35 3/4 figure.
MIKE: Guys, before you get your hopes up... not only is that often
considered to be a nearly physically impossible figure for a human
woman, they also usually can’t suddenly rattle off their exact
measurements.
BOTS: D’oh!
> Her lips and cheeks outdid the prettiest rose,
TOM: ... although it’s a little-known fact that the ancient Greek
word ‘rose’ means ‘pernicious and unsightly crabgrass’.
> her face looked like it was beautifully chiseled out of ivory,
MIKE: I get it! She’s Galatea!
> and her body had the same perfection. Her skin was milky white, as
> smooth and pale as the best marble,
CROW: All right, when was the mass Aryan migration to ancient
Greece again?
> the envy of every woman, and as soft as a bundle of the finest silk.
> Her figure was a bit skinny around the waist,
TOM: .... and her teeth were discolored from all the bingeing and
purging...
> but firm and supple, yet delicate and as soft as her skin. She was the
> loveliest girl he’d ever seen,
CROW: I think she's cheating.
TOM: Ehn, what are you going to do? If she was ugly, noone would
keep going.
> and he temporarily forgot about Meg.
> Even Aphrodite would have difficulty matching her looks!
MIKE: Well, of course. Aphrodite’s not a Disney heroine.
> The only thing that marred her beauty was her dress. It was originally
> blue, but some places were discolored to a greenish tint from mildew.
TOM: Dry cleaning accidents... OF THE GODS!!
> It was also badly torn, faded, and dirt-smeared, but she looked gorgeous
> anyway.
> “You’re ashamed of the way you look?” he asked, making sure he’d
> heard right.
> “Yes. I know I’m not really very pretty, and if you’d like, I can
> put my cloak back on,” she said, blushing slightly.
CROW: <Hercules> Oh, no, definitely n... aaarghh!
MIKE: You’re right on the edge of losing all those RAMchips,
mein freund.
> “What do you mean by that? You’re positively beautiful!” he said,
> confused and surprised by her words.
> “So, you don’t want me to put the cloak back on?” she teased.
TOM: <Protagonist Girl, teasing> Naa-naa-na-naa-naa, doesn’t want me
to put my cloak back on!
> “No, no, not at all. Well, unless you want to, of course, but it
> would hide you again, which I really wouldn’t like to see such a, well,
> nice girl hidden away!”
MIKE: <Hercules> Nice. Yeah, that’s the word, nice!
> he sputtered, still a little in shock.
> “Aw, shucks, thanks. So did you think of a name?” she queried,
> sitting down beside her new friend. Herc studied her,
CROW: Yeah, she was his biology project, I guess...
> trying to find a suitable title for her. He looked straight into her
> pretty eyes, and she shyly smiled, blinking once and shrugging one creamy
> shoulder.
TOM: A *creamy* shoulder?!
MIKE: Yeah. At least, that’s what Jeffrey Dahmer said. Really creamy,
and great with a little oregano...
CROW: My, Mike... aren’t we in a dark and completely out-of-character
mood. I’m impressed.
> “Hmm. I’m not really the best at choosing names, but how about...
> Katira?”
TOM: <Hercules> It’s Theban for ‘weird dirty peasant with an
inexplicable backstory involving immortals’!
> he asked, hoping she’d like it.
CROW: But it's a *dumb* name.
TOM: Well, it connects the title to the story.
MIKE: Story?
TOM: The thing then.
> She thought about it, and, unconsciously, Herc squeezed her hand in
> anticipation.
CROW: I think this just became one of those cheesy pregnancy-test
commercials. (Suddenly realizes what he said and attempts to justify
it) Y’know, with the hand-squeezing and all... not that I’m implying
anything... of course not! (laughs nervously)
TOM: C’mon, Mike, he’s pushed it one too many times!
MIKE: Nah... Crow can keep his RAMchips. I get his point on that one.
> “Katira. Hmm. Yeah, I like that!
(All cheer)
CROW: Thankyouthankyouthankyou, Erato!! She has a name now!! Woo!!
> Thanks, Herc. You’re really sweet,”
MIKE: I take it that’s another one of Dahmer’s professional opinions?
TOM: Mike, you’re cool and all, but you’re really bad at being dark.
> she said, giving him a quick hug. Herc was unsure of what to do. This
> wasn’t quite the response he’d expected from Katira. Katira pulled out
> her flute,
(Crow senses the scene that’s about to happen; he rummages around
under his seat and pulls out a large roll of duct tape. He then
carefully duct-tapes his own beak shut.)
> and began to play some of her favorite melodies, some traditional, and
> others her own compositions.
MIKE and TOM: NOOOO! Please, no more songs!!!
CROW: mmph...
(His self-control is beginning to give out, so the duct tape does the
work. We can’t make out anything he says.)
> Herc watched her play.
CROW: Mmmph mpph mmphhls?
> Her slender fingers moved very quickly along the instrument, yet her
> arms never moved at all.
CROW: Mmmph mpppphh mph mmmmpppphhhh mphhhh!
> Katira’s elbows rested on her knees, and the flute was almost an extra
> appendage to the girl.
CROW: Mmph mmphhh mph mmmph! Mmmmmppphhhh...
> She played it very well, as well as any god.
TOM: She is a god. Sheesh.
> Rumor had it that it had once been part of the Pipes of Pan,
MIKE: Peter Pan?
TOM: Search me.
> and had been given to her when the longest pipe had fallen off.
CROW: Mmmpph! Mph mmmmpphhh’s mppphhh mmmph!
> This wasn’t true, of course, but Katira had always loved the story the
> townsfolk told about her flute. It made her feel more
> “three-fourths god” than her “one-quarter
MIKE: ... moisturizing cream?
> mortal”
TOM: Well, of course! 3/4 is obviously more than 1/4! It’s simple
arithmetic!
CROW: Mmph mmphh mph mmmmmmph!
> and she liked it that way. After some time, she put her flute down, and
> got a brief applause from her guest.
(Crow takes off his duct tape.)
CROW: Wow, that was close! Thank the powers that be for duct tape!
TOM: Aw, c’mon, Mike! That was cheating! I bet he was making all
sorts of dirty comments that we couldn’t hear!
MIKE: It’s OK, Tom. You get your pills, Crow gets his tape. It’s
fair. And could you blame him?