MSTed: Contra Cabal; Manos review Part 2/4
Joseph Nebus
[ ALL Re-enter theater ]
>
MIKE: I really did like it.
CROW: Yeah, yeah. Whatever.
>The Rensselaer Cabal
MIKE: The Tough Nerds.
>
>
>Eleven, probably more,
TOM: But maybe less.
> Rensselaer administrators and professors support
CROW: The latest version of NetTrek.
> an
>exclusive totalitarian cabal
MIKE: I'm sorry, I just can't picture my Physics 121 professor in a
darkened room, making threats like he was James Bond's archenemy. I
mean, the guy wore *tweed*.
> with an ideology that discriminates against
>selected faculty members and students.
CROW: Specifically, the ones who snore out loud.
> Virtually unpublished, the cabal
MIKE: Sits around refining their 'Star Trek' manuscripts.
>members indulge in academic fraud
TOM: Send each person on this list five citations each and send out
the email--within a month you'll have over fifty thousand citations
of your work!
> and use illegal, unethical, and immoral
>practices to cover up racketeering.
CROW: Also they don't wash their hands after going to the bathroom. Yuck!
> They arbitrarily deny academic freedom
>and insist upon an absolutist dogma
TOM: Aw, my neighbor's karma ran over my dogma.
> through political correctness. Then, in
>actions characterized by dishonesty and incompetence, they set up kangaroo
ALL: Boingy! Boingy! Boingy!
>courts(4) that violate established legal procedures
TOM: Like computation of international postage deficit payments.
> and deny due process.
>
>Today, absolute power allows
MIKE: The construction of fabulous new strip malls in what had been
worthless wetlands.
> university officials to hold a total political
>and technological grip upon freedom of expression.
TOM: For example, the expression 'shpritz' is no longer allowed.
> They control the flow of
>information absolutely.
MIKE: They control the horizontal. They control the vertical.
> Moreover, both public ignorance and academic apathy
>perpetuate this totalitarianism. Fortunately, technocrats
TOM: Are easily distracted by rumors that William Shatner will be
coming to campus.
> can neither gain
>absolute control of the content of the electronic media, nor empower
>themselves as absolute censors, because
CROW: They have an urgent tournament of "Magic: The Card Game" to get to.
> of the global nature of the media.
>However, they temporarily impose their ideology through the supine attitudes
TOM: Can they *say* that?
>of academicians who consistently allow the expropriation of their rights by
>administrators and
TOM: Their pet guinea pigs.
> technocrats. Fortunately, judges in several recent law
>suits have
CROW: Felt freer about being naked.
> held individual faculty members equally responsible with
>institutions for various forms of malfeasance. Subsequently, they awarded
>substantial damages
MIKE: Namely, they went out into the parking lot and vandalized all
their cars.
> against those individuals who discriminated against, and
>denied due process to, other faculty members and students.
>
>Nemesis, a reporter with many years experience, has thoroughly investigated
>and collected documents to profile each cabal member.
TOM: How come nobody ever profiles me?
MIKE: It's just because your head's a sphere, Tom.
> He will write, from
>the documentation gathered during the past eleven years, about malfeasance
>and fraud by each member of the Rensselaer Cabal.
ALL: [ Singing ] DUN DUN DUNNNN!
> These documents span many
>years and illustrate
TOM: An awesome macaroni and cheese casserole.
> a pattern of academic fraud and personal traits
>contrary to the interests of Rensselaer. These articles will also show how
TOM: To mambo!
>the cabal has deliberately prevented Nemesis
MIKE: [ As Smokey The Bear ] Remember, only you can prevent Nemesis.
> from teaching for eleven years
>and, therefore,
CROW: He's had the time to finish his cream cheese sculpture of astronaut
Charles "Pete" Conrad.
> deprived him of his livelihood.
MIKE: Unable to discuss the fascinating world of the Riemann-Zeta problem,
he has taken to collecting every episode of "Garfield and Friends" on
videotape.
> Contra Cabal will soon
>appear on the Internet and in a variety of printed journals.
TOM: Does graffiti on "Archie" comic books really count, though?
> Printed
>publication has already begun with
MIKE: Me learning how to write.
> an article in National Council for
>Teachers of English (NCTE)
TOM: I heard their acronym was originally going to be "SEPTA," but they
couldn't fit it on their softball team uniforms.
> newsletters. The Rensselaer Cabal has
>consistently tried to suppress this information through censorship,
TOM: Yeah, that's a way to supress information.
> prior
>restraint,
MIKE: That works too.
> and denial of due process.
CROW: That'll get it too.
MIKE: He *must* be oppressed. He knows all the ways to do it!
> However, institutions do not hold
>enough power completely to censor electronic communication as this
>resurgence of Contra Cabal shows.
>
>Contra Cabal, published occasionally, comprises a series of satiric,
CROW: Oh, pootertoots, 'satiric' means it's not funny but we have to
pretend it is.
>expository essays that create public awareness. Generally, it informs people
>whom the evil Rensselaer Cabal would
CROW: Put in the nine a.m. section.
> otherwise victimize. Nemesis, formerly
MIKE: A satisfying if unspectacular Asimov novel.
>an associate professor,
CROW: He's been sued for professing his associates in three states.
> administrator, and non-traditional PhD student,
TOM: Aw, that means he's been in grad school for twenty years.
MIKE: And he still lives in an undergraduate dorm.
> also
>an internationally accredited journalist,
CROW: For "Grit."
> well knows the practices that he
>describes in Contra Cabal.
TOM: [ Singing "Karma Chameleon" ] Contra Contra Contra Contra Contra
Cabaaaa-aaaaal!
MIKE: Don't do that.
> To prevent his publication of expose,
MIKE: The official newsletter of the American Photography Society.
> university
>officials have made frivolous claims of rules infraction to deny him
>computer access. They have also expropriated
CROW: Exfoliated?
TOM: Extemporated?
MIKE: Exasperated.
> all of his journalistic and
>academic databases to censor content. The cabal members have abrogated
>journalistic rights
TOM: But it's just *not* a journalistic right to lock the Board of Trustees
in your basement and make them watch Chris Farley movies.
> guaranteed by the constitution
CROW: And pure Keebler goodness.
> and consistently tried to
>suppress information.
MIKE: I'm getting this picture of a whack-a-mole game played with "Popular
Science" magazines.
> Moreover, they have practiced prior restraint without
TOM: Warming up properly first, and so got a cramp.
>due process before and after expulsion from the university by a kangaroo
>court.
MIKE: They wanted to have a Tasmanian marsupial wolf court, but they never
got any answers to their calls for volunteers.
> However, Nemesis has painstakingly rebuilt all of the address lists.
TOM: We can rebuild it. Stronger...faster...better...
MIKE: The Six Million Dollar Spam.
>He has also restored the entire academic and journalistic databases
>expropriated by
TOM: The elves who live in my watch.
> the University of Washington in collusion with
MIKE: A 1982 Mercury Grand Marquis, resulting in fender damage on both
vehicles.
> the
>Rensselaer Cabal.
>
> You don't think that
TOM: I'm gaining weight?
> this can happen to you?
>Ignore the perfidious actions of
CROW: Our online thesaurus.
> the Rensselaer Dean of Faculty, Gary Judd,
>and his equivocating Department Chair, Merrill D. Whitburn.
TOM: The Dean of Fudge.
> Then it could
>happen to you.
CROW: But only if Santa finds you've been a good little cabalist.
> It has happened to many people whose skeletons, real or
CROW: Expurgated.
>imagined, these despots have rattled.
MIKE: Because the greatest extortion comes over imagined stuff.
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Endnotes
TOM: We can only hope.
>
>1. Fleet Streeter. A journalist named after a street in London
CROW: Specifically, Hoosic Street.
> devoted
>largely to national newspapers,
TOM: How does a street get that devoted, anyway?
> periodicals, and the journalistic press.
MIKE: The 'journalistic press' was outlawed by the Football Rules Committe
in 1927, though.
>
>A
>Fleet Street journalist.
>
>2. George Orwell and George Rovere (ed),
CROW: They're cops. They're Georges. They're George Cops--check local
listings.
> The Orwell Reader:
TOM: A bummed out kind of guy.
> Fiction, Essays,
>and Reportage,
MIKE: Acts of reportage were committed against the town's Little League
field. Suspects are being questioned.
> (New York, NY: Harcourt Brace & Company, 1984), ix.
TOM: Ooh, it's that 'play an Intellivision Game over the phone' thing
Channel 11 did back in the early 80's. I *loved* those!
CROW: Ix Ix!... Ix Ix Ix!... Ix!... Ix Ix Ix!
>
>3. Amici curiae describes
TOM: Dutch modernist painters, tonight on the History Channel.
> parties not involved in a particular litigation
MIKE: But with a heart of gold.
>that the court allows to advise on
TOM: How Scooby and Shaggy always found the bad guys.
> matters of law directly affecting the
>litigation.
CROW: So does taping a Twins game actually require the express prior
written consent of the Comissioner of Baseball?
>
>4. Kangaroo court means a court characterized by
TOM: What Sylvester thinks is a really big mouse.
> dishonesty or incompetence
>and set up in violation of established legal procedure.
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Nemesis
>
>Contra Cabal contains
MIKE: Collectibe caps collated, colored and consumed.
CROW: Cool.
> the personal experiences and opinions of Nemesis, a
>former associate professor of communication and rhetoric.
MIKE: He needed an advanced degree to write this?
> He previously
>attended Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute
CROW: But then he got a good look at the place.
> and the University of Washington
>as a doctoral student. Nemesis has held international press credentials
>since
TOM: Mugging Walter Lippmann.
> 1959. Since 1947, he has worked as a
MIKE: McDonald's Associate French Fry Technician.
> journalist, editor, technical
>communicator,
TOM: Aw, that just means he knows how to program his VCR.
> also as a university professor and administrator.
CROW: And dining hall worker.
> He holds a
>terminal degree equivalency,
MIKE: It's tragically uncurable. He has no more than two years left.
> a US graduate degree, and two international
>fellowships from
TOM: StarFleet Academy. He got the certificates from the Official Star Trek
Fan Club and everything!
> the communication industry. He conforms with the ethics and
>customs of the journalism profession, most of them tested in law in both
>England and the United States.
TOM: 'Cause all the other countries stink!
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Administrative Note
>
>Officials at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute (RPI) and the University of
>Washington (UW) have colluded
TOM: In a nasty four-care pileup just outside Cleveland.
> in the removal of Nemesis's university
>computer access at both institutions.
MIKE: And we at the Satellite of Love wish to salue officials at
Rensselaer Polytechnic Institue and the University of Washington.
> True to totalitarian practice, they
CROW: Totalitated on the rug.
>have impounded Contra Cabal incoming email,
TOM: [ As Radar O'Reilly ] Incoming email! Incoming email!
> databases, and address lists.
MIKE: "My parents moved and won't tell me where."
>This blatant abrogation of constitutional rights to freedom of speech
TOM: Is way too dull to explain why we're upset about it.
>travesties academic and journalistic freedom. Furthermore, both UW and RPI
MIKE: Cannot be scrambled to produce an actual word.
TOM: WURPI?
CROW: PIRWU?
TOM: IP WUR?
MIKE: W PUIR?
TOM: Wow, you're right, Mike.
>have not responded to requests for
CROW: A *real* bagel in an easy-to-access form.
> due process and have maintained a
>political silence.
MIKE: Maybe I shouldn't have called them up at 2 a.m.
>
>Consequently,
CROW: Shmonsequently.
> those subscribers who have requested archives or alias
>suppression since February 1, 1995,
MIKE: Are apparently quite patient.
> should resubmit their requests using the
>new alias
CROW: "The Dark Knight Watchman."
> <tru...@nwlink.com>.
>
>***Referred readers who want their own subscription to Contra Cabal
TOM: Just might be spending too much time thinking about this.
> may send
>an email message (no text) to <tru...@nwlink.com> with the subject line
MIKE: Help! Help! I'm easily occupied!
>[cc-subscribe].
>
>***Those readers who have received duplicate copies should send an email
>message (no text)
TOM: To nobody, saying nothing. Sorry we bothered you with it.
> with the subject line [cc-duplicate]. This will cause
>suppression
MIKE: I thought the whole point of this was suppression was bad?
> of all occurrences except one.
TOM: Unfortunately, the one occurance is the giant pimple on your nose.
>
>
>***Those readers who wish to unsubscribe
CROW: Are in the vast majority.
> should send an email message (no
>text) with the subject line [cc-suppress].
>
>***Readers may obtain an email copy of the complete apologia Orwell,
CROW: Sorry, Orwell.
TOM: Sorry, George.
MIKE: Sorry, all.
> Ethics,
>and the Academe by sending an email message (no text) to
TOM: Someone who's actually interested.
><tru...@nwlink.com> with the subject line [cc-orwell].
>
>The prior restraint of Contra Cabal has widespread significance that
CROW: Somehow we ran out of space to talk about.
> will
>receive full coverage in future issues.
CROW: Oh.
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>Copyright 1996 by Paul Trummel.
TOM: If you or any of your loved ones see this man, do *not* confront him.
Simply walk briskly away and you should avoid injury.
>
>First Published 22 Nov 96/06:21.
CROW: Let's blow this popsicle stand...
[ ALL get up and leave the theater. ]
[ BREAK ]