MSTed: Stephen Ratliff's "Falling Into Command". (3/6)

[JAREK]

> Chapter Three

TOM SERVO: Picard, Kirk and Janeway. The Holy Trinity.
MIKE: That was an interesting image....

> Jean-Luc Picard, Commanding Admiral, Star Fleet, was buried in
>paper work.

MIKE: It was a really strange funeral, but the burial provisions in his will
were very specific....

> Form after form after form crossed his desk, all demanding
>he do something,

CROW: Like take a long walk off a short spacedock.

> know something,

MIKE [as Picard]: I never had to know anything to do this job before!

> or acquire something.

TOM SERVO: Preferably a fatal virus.

> He hadn't
>appreciated his Chief of Staff, Sibek, until he had to go without for a
>couple days ... Why did he pick now to go into pon-farr?

MIKE: Well, when you haven't had it in seven years...
CROW [as Val Kilmer]: This? This is a Vulcan. This is what happens when a
humanoid gets too emotionally cold. This? This is Pon
farr. This is what happens when a Vulcan gets too
sexually frustrated.

> His nine year old son, Nicholas took in the view of his father
>shuffling PADDs.

TOM SERVO [as Picard]: All right, son, watch the red PADD, keep your eye on
the red PADD....

> It looked like his father would never get done. It
>was already two hours past supertime,

MIKE: Must be the time slot for Lois and Clark...

> and it didn't look like his father
>was planning on leaving anytime soon.

CROW: Picard relied upon work to keep distance between him and his family....

> Since his mother was out
>commanding the Pasteur under his sister Marrissa's command, and Jackie
>was serving as Computer Security Officer on Marrissa's ship,

TOM SERVO: Wow... those two must have been REALLY desperate to leave the
house!

> Nick and
>his father were living in 'bachelor quarters' on the edge of San
>Francisco Bay.

CROW: 'Cause they are two...
MIKE & CROW: Wild and Crazy Guys!

> Unfortunately, the replicator wasn't hooked up yet.

TOM SERVO [as Kirk]: Let me guess... Tuesday.

> "Are you planning on coming home soon, or should I eat over at the
>Academy," Nick asked, as his father shuffled PADDs

MIKE [as Nick]: Or maybe go take over a starship and kick some ass?

> "You stay away from the Academy, I don't need another Jackie,"

TOM SERVO [as Picard]: Did I ask your mother to have a baby?

> his
>father mumbled, making some notations on one report.

CROW [as Picard, making notations]: B+. Show your work next time.

> Nick was use to this refrain, and it didn't bother him.

MIKE: The chorus, on the other hand, really got on his nerves.

> It
>recalled the way his sister Jackie had gotten into Star Fleet very
>early.

TOM SERVO: She cheated.

> She had sat in on classes at the Academy from age five onward,
>then when opportunity arose,

MIKE: ... Starfleet Academy gave her seat to someone who was SUPPOSED to be
there.

> got herself an commission by helping with
>Star Fleet Computer Security. He had no intention on joining Star Fleet
>like his older siblings.

CROW: He was going to get out of this badly written fanfic the first chance
he got.

> Command didn't interest him, space was nothing
>special, and he'd rather be out working in the vineyard.

TOM SERVO: ... where he could snitch a bottle of wine every now and then.

> But, Nick did
>want to eat sometime tonight. "Then I guess, you'll have to come home,"
>Nick replied. "Someone has to cook dinner, and I can't cook."

MIKE [as Picard]: Your sister took classes at the Academy when she was FIVE,
young man! You're nine years old, and you can't even
operate a *stove*? What the hell good *are* you?!

> "What time is it?" Jean-Luc inquired, looking up. Then he saw the
>clock. "2000 hours! you should have called earlier."

CROW [as Picard]: I've been here for 83 straight days!

> As his father got up and walked around his desk to join Nick, he
>replied, "I tried, but you wouldn't answer, and the new security guy
>wouldn't let me in. I had to use one of Jackie's programs to get in."

TOM SERVO [as Nick]: Oh, and I accidentally erased your bank account while I
was doing it. Sorry.

> "You're on the visitor's list," Jean-Luc Picard replied. "Why
>didn't they let you in?"

CROW [as Nick]: Beats me. By the way, I wanted to show you this neat bomb I
found....

> "Something about regulations involving children," Nick replied. "I
>didn't catch it all."

MIKE: Probably the same regulations that are supposed to keep kids off the
bridge...

> "Where should I transfer him?" Jean-Luc asked, beginning a game.

TOM SERVO: Out of this story?
MIKE: No, that would be a reward.

> "We've got a war going on, how about the front line?" Nick replied,
>as they entered the turbolift.

TOM SERVO: Wow... talk about vicious!
CROW: Probably gets it from his big sister Marrissa.

> "Lobby. No, that would mean putting him under your sister
>Marrissa's command, and I don't think she'd appreciate that,"

MIKE: Besides, NO ONE deserves THAT kind of punishment!

> his father
>remarked, shooting that down as the turbolift decended. They exited the
>turbolift into the front lobby.
> "You're right, what about the Cardassian border?" Nick responded.
>He and his father had played this game since he was five,

CROW: They've made fun of the same guy for FOUR YEARS?

> started with
>simple suggestions, then suggesting more and more outrageous postings

MIKE: Like the story we're reading right now.

>until they couldn't think of any more, and concluded that the officer in
>question should stay where they were. "There is an opening on Deep
>Space Nine."

TOM SERVO: Well, get somebody to close it, quick!

> "Under Vice Admiral Sisko? I don't think he'd like that," Picard
>responded, as they exited the building. Rear Admiral Will Riker was on
>his way in. "Good evening, Will."

MIKE [as Will]: Good to see you, sir. And how are your precocious little
prodigies today?

> "Admiral, on your way out I see," the long time number one replied.

CROW [as Picard]: Yeah, the downsizing finally got to me.

> "Nick finally called me to dinner," Jean-Luc Picard responded. "And
>you?"
> "Captain La Forge had some problems with some people in supply, I
>told him I'd see to it," Riker replied.

TOM SERVO [as Will]: Because I don't have a real job.

> "Carry on then Will, I expect to see you at the Vineyard next
>Sunday," Jean-Luc responded.
> "I'll be there," Riker responded.

MIKE [as Will]: And I'll help you kill some of that extra yield, if you know
what I mean, and I think you do....
CROW: Wherever there's booze to be had, he'll be there!

> "Now where were we?" Jean-Luc Picard asked his son.

TOM SERVO: Playing some goofy game, if memory serves...

> "I was just about to suggest Jelico's World,

CROW: Is that where they keep the Jelico cats?

> there is an opening at
>the prison," Nick grinned, as they entered the air tram to their home.
> "Interesting, but I think the gravity might be a problem," his
>father replied. "1.5 G is a little much for someone use to Earth."

MIKE: Okay! The joke has gone FAR ENOUGH, thank you very much!

> "Then there is the lunar base of Devadia XX," Nick suggested, as
>the train suddenly shuddered to a halt, and its power went out.

TOM SERVO: Looks like Riker tried to use the escalator again....

> "What the Hell?" Jean-Luc Picard exclaimed, as he looked out the
>window. The tram's port side was facing towards Star Fleet Head
>Quarters. As the Commanding Admiral Starfleet watched, green beams of
>phaser fire shot down from the sky, obliterating it.

ALL: [start speaking simultaneously for a while]
MIKE: Hold it! HOLD IT!!! We'll never get our riffs in if we're all talking
at once! Rapidfire mode on my mark... ready? GO!!!
TOM SERVO: Looks like Tim McVeigh finally finished serving his sentence....
CROW: Finally! An end to that stupid dialogue!
MIKE: Vogon Constructor ships! RUN!!!
CROW [as Nick]: Sorry, Dad. A transfer might not have taught that guard a
lesson. This was the only way to be sure.
TOM SERVO [as Picard]: Damn! That's the third time this week!
MIKE: I'll give you ten to one that one of Riker's ex-girlfriends is manning
the phaser batteries up there....
CROW [as orbiting ship commander]: Hey! That was *easy*! Why didn't we
think of this before?
TOM SERVO [as John Cleese]: And now the Romulan Women's Guild will re-enact
the Battle of Pearl Harbor....
MIKE [as Nick]: Dad, quick! Get the marshmallows!

> Panic shot though
>the tram, as people sought an exit, afraid the tram would be next. In
>the confusion, the Admiral lost his footing and was trampled.

TOM SERVO: Yup, that's our Jean-Luc... first his daughter walks all over him,
and now this!

> His son,
>seeing his father go down, pressed himself up against the wall, allowing
>the panicked passengers to exit, jumping or being pushed out the port
>and starboard doors.

CROW: It was just like that Who concert in Cincinnati.

>
> Meanwhile up in orbit, three score

MIKE: ... and twenty years ago...

> warbirds had decloaked, first
>firing at set targets on earth; Star Fleet Command, San Francisco; UFP
>Congress Building, New York; Star Fleet Engineering Head Quarters,
>Riyadh; Federation Trade Center, Tokyo.

TOM SERVO: Suddenly it's Independence Day....
CROW: No, that movie had some exciting parts.

> The only major center of
>Federation Operation on Earth left alone was the new Star Fleet Medical
>Center in a small city in the Appalachian Mountains.

MIKE: Because the Romulans knew that they'd REALLY be in trouble if they blew
up a hospital...

> Earth was not undefended,

TOM SERVO: Could have fooled me!

> satellite defenses lit up the Romulan
>shields, and the Second Fleet was in orbit, firing as well. Normally
>Admiral Riker would command the fleet, but he was unreachable, probably
>dead, so Captain Geordi La Forge of the USS Nova was in command.

CROW [as La Forge]: It's been six whole seconds since we've heard from
Admiral Riker, so *I'M* in charge now!

> He
>bore down on the Romulans hard, forcing them to back away from Earth.

MIKE: In fact, he bored them almost as much as Ratliff's "where do we
transfer the guard?" joke did.
CROW: Which one is worse, guys... Ratliff's dialogue or a Ratliff battle
scene?
TOM SERVO: Ouch. That's a tough one.

>
> Earth wasn't the only place in the Terran System under attack by
>the Romulan Fleet, a dozen warbirds were heading toward Mars and Utopia
>Planate Ship Yards.

MIKE: Decloaked, apparently, because the Romulans knew that Commander McIvery
hated surprises.

> Commander McIvery activated all the workable ships
>in the yard, giving the senior most officer aboard command. She was on
>board the newest Nova Class, the Yorktown, but not in command. "Captain
>Riker, she's all yours," Adrain McIvery informed Deanna Riker.

TOM SERVO: No! Amazing! I never saw this coming!

>Commander McIvery didn't technically have the authority to place the
>ships she was in charge of building into service, but in a pinch like
>this, who was going to argue with her?

MIKE: Rush Limbaugh.
CROW: Oh, and Andy Rooney. He'll argue about anything.

>
> Even with the 40 ships in the Second Fleet, and the dozen and a
>half more that Utopia had brought in, Star Fleet was still out numbered,
>58 to 72.

TOM SERVO [as sports announcer]: It was late in the third quarter, and the
Federation was having trouble with fouls....

> The battle raged.

CROW: Stuff happened. Hair grew.

> Star Fleet had the advantage of being on
>their home turf, the Romulans the advantage of numbers.

MIKE: They had all the primes and every whole number greater than pi on their
side.

> On the Martian front,

CROW: ... Starfleet was getting its butt kicked by Marvin's Illudium Pu-36
Explosive Space Modulator.
MIKE [as Marvin the Martian]: Where's the KABOOM?!?

> things were going well. It was 3 to 2, Star
>Fleet,

TOM SERVO [as sports announcer]: ... bottom of the sixth, two out, no runners
on.

> and none of the vessels that McIvery had activated heard the
>refrain of the Enterprise-B, "Not until Tuesday."

MIKE: Because THEIR vital equipment wasn't arriving until next Wednesday.

> The Nova class
>Starship Yorktown, a week short of commissioning, lead the way, pushing
>Romulans aside. It's phasers leaping out like a lion tamer's whip, the
>warbirds jumping back like the lion stung.

CROW: But some of the warbirds thought the whip was a real turn-on....

> The Hawaii swung around the rear of the advancing Romulans.

MIKE: Then she started swinging her rear around in a hula dance!

> She
>played with the famous Picard Maneuver, leaping from place to place,
>stinging the rears of the warbirds with volleys of photon torpedoes and
>phaser fire.

TOM SERVO: If this works so well, you'd think EVERYONE would be doing it by
now....

> The moons of Mars, bristling with phaser and photon
>torpedo emplacements, shot out, daring the Romulans to come closer.

CROW [as moon]: C'mon, you want a piece of this? Get over here, I dare ya!

>
> Back orbiting Earth, the odds were reversed. Captain La Forge and
>the Second Fleet were fighting a tough battle,

MIKE: But it looked like both would succumb to male-pattern baldness.

> already he had lost an
>Intrepid Class starship who had gotten caught in the crossfire of two

TOM SERVO: ... mean critics.

>Romulan vessels. True he had the support of the Moon, satellite
>defenses and Star Base One. But the satellite defenses had been thinned
>by the Romulan attack, and La Forge had a whole planet to protect.

CROW: I bet Nicholas is busy developing a brilliant strategy right now.

> Captain Geordi La Forge had little experience in defending.

TOM SERVO: He played center most of the time.

> He had
>spent most of his career

MIKE: ... engaged in dubious engineering experiments and striking out with
women.

> as an Engineer on an exploratory vessel.
>Command to him was a recent change, he'd only been in the center seat
>for a little over a year,

CROW: And his legs had atrophied from sitting all that time....

> but the ship's commanders around him pushed
>him into the lead. Something about the mile long starship said, 'I
>command here.'

TOM SERVO: It was on a bumper sticker across the front of the ship.

> And command it did,

CROW [in a seductive falsetto]: Ooooohhhh, command me!

> its phasers sent its targets
>retreating as La Forge pushed the Warbirds further from Earth. But that
>wasn't enough. The Nova and his two Ambassador class ships, the Virginia
>and the Ohio, where pushing them back.

TOM SERVO [as cheerleader]: PUSH 'em back! PUSH 'em back! Sis-boom-BAH!

> His ten Excelsiors where holding
>their own,

CROW: *ahem*
MIKE: Let it go, Crow.

> but the rest where not,

CROW: They didn't want to grow hair and go blind.
MIKE: Crow, I'm warning you....

> and La Forge knew that unless
>something changed, he'd be loosing them.

MIKE: I'll be "loosing" my lunch if this story doesn't change....

>
> Away from it all, in the Star Fleet Museum, the two dozen
>Lieutenant Commanders had noticed the battle.

TOM SERVO [as Lieutenant Commanders]: Hey, is that us getting our butts
kicked out there?

> They wished they were
>inside the system, in the battle, gaining glory, instead of waiting
>here, away from it all.

CROW: Getting the chance to spend their last few seconds of life sucking
vacuum and superheated plasma...

> Chapter Four

MIKE: ... on the floor.

> The Terran system was chaos, as the Romulans attacked.

TOM SERVO: There was a big sale on at J. C. Penney's!

> They pushed
>in again towards Earth, only the Nova, the Virginia, and the Ohio able
>to push them back.

MIKE: The New Jersey and the New York were out of the fight because their
environmental systems had broken down.
CROW: And the toilets kept backing up on the Louisiana.

> Around Mars, they were in trouble.

TOM SERVO: The Martians' disintegrators were hitting them hard, and none of
the warbirds had any Slim Whitman albums on board.

> The Yorktown and
>her unfinished cohorts nipping at their heels.

MIKE: What about them?

> But the Romulans were
>winning.
> Out orbiting Uranus

CROW: Hey Tom! Is Uranus...
TOM SERVO: MIKE!!! Make him *stop*!

> was the Star Fleet Museum. It contained many
>exhibits, the first hand phaser, the original Enterprise command chair,
>Captain Sulu's sword, and Admiral Jean-Luc Picard's Klingon dagger.

MIKE: Along with Sisko's hair cream, Kirk's little black book on CD-ROM,
Scotty's collection of liquor bottles...
CROW: This is what happens when you let Trekkies design a museum....

> But
>more importantly, it contained a dozen Starships, restored to the
>condition in witch they where launched (except for the Enterprise-B, she
>was ready this time).

TOM SERVO: Ha. Ha ha.

> Three Enterprises (A, B, and C), the Miranda,
>the Obeth, the Constellation, the Constitution and many more were kept
>in readiness. Now for the first time in years, decades for some, they
>were headed into action.

MIKE: Oh, suuuuuuuuure they'd keep functional military hardware on display in
a museum. They keep working models of atomic bombs on public display
too, right?

> The officers waiting at the Museum had gotten restless, and did not
>want to stand by and let Earth be taken.

CROW [as officers]: NO!!! Not Earth! That's where I keep all my STUFF!!!

> So they manned the museum
>pieces, and headed into battle.

ALL: [burst into laughter]
TOM SERVO [as Ratliff]: Just go with me on this one, folks....

> If they were damaged or destroyed in
>battle, it wouldn't matter. When Earth is under attack, it was freedom
>that mattered.

MIKE: [starts humming "America The Beautiful"]

>
> Back on Earth, Nicholas Picard surveyed what had been left behind
>when the passengers had abandoned the air tram.

CROW [as Nick]: Excuse me, Mr. Tram? If the election was being held today,
which candidate would you vote for?

> The tram was a mess,
>papers and containers torn and flung around the cabin. His father lay on
>the floor, a nasty gash on his forehead, the result of someone's shoe,
>and breathing shallowly.

TOM SERVO [as Picard, softly]: Damn Shriner's convention...

> Nick rushed to his father's side.

CROW: Nick heard ribs crack as he slipped on the bloody floor and fell on top
of the elder Picard....

> He checked
>for a pulse and found a shallow one.

MIKE: Then he checked for a story and also found a shallow one.

> Using his shirt, he bound his
>father's head wound.

TOM SERVO: Just to be on the safe side, he also applied a tourniquet to his
father's neck.

> His father appeared to be unconscience

CROW [as Nick]: Oh my God... Dad needs a moral code, and fast!

> and had
>lost allot of blood. His communicator was on the floor beside him,
>surprisingly in good condition.

MIKE: So he took the admiral's communicator and wallet and fled the scene.

> Nicholas opened a channel, "Picard to Medical Personnel, one
>injury, head wound, loss of blood probable concussion, possible broken
>ribs. Need immediate medical attention."

CROW [as Nick]: Looks like another Code... um... what's the code for a
Ratliff plot contrivance again?
TOM SERVO: All of a sudden Ratliff thinks this kid is Randolph Mantooth.

> From the communicator, a kind woman's voice came out, "Is the
>patient safe for transport?"

MIKE [as kind-voiced woman]: And is his insurance paid up?

> "I think so," Nicholas responded.

CROW [as Nick]: Oh, and I heard crackling noises coming from his spine when I
tried to move him to a more comfortable position. Is that
bad?

> "Beaming you to Star Fleet Medical now."

TOM SERVO [as kind-voiced woman]: Prepare for a tingly feeling and special
effects that change in every movie....

>
> Meanwhile light years from Earth

MIKE: ... nobody gave a crap about Ratliff's silly-ass war!

> on the Wellington, Jay Gordon,
>acting Captain, was drawn out of his brooding over the loss of his
>parents by a urgent message from his tactical officer.

TOM SERVO [as tactical officer]: Boo hoo, sir, you think you're the only one
who has problems?!

> "Sir, message
>from the Second Fleet," she said. "Earth is under attack, all
>assistance requested, Captain La Forge, USS Nova."

CROW [as tactical officer]: P.S. HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPP!!!

> Jay may have been in a depression, letting the ship go by, but once
>he knew a crisis was at hand, he moved smoothly into his command mode.
>"Increase speed to maximum, go to red alert. Ready all weapons."

MIKE [as Jay]: Tell the Romulans we're on our way to help them. No, wait...

> No
>longer occupied musing over might have beens and things he wished he had
>said to his parents,

TOM SERVO: Such as "Why do I look so much like Admiral Riker?"

> Jay was now wondering what was happening in the
>Terran System.

CROW: So why doesn't he get on subspace radio and find out?
MIKE: He was pretty sure that the Earth was being defended by something
better than unfinished ships and museum pieces, though....

>
> Jay Gordon wasn't the only one heading toward Earth. Vice Admiral
>Sisko on the Defiant, and Captain Washington on the Stargazer were on
>coarse as well.

MIKE: 'Cause they like it rrrrrrough!
TOM SERVO: Thanks for bringing back THAT image, Mike.... [shudder]

> Sisko was the one who had requested the people at the
>museum.

CROW: Ah, another great mystery solved by Stephen Ratliff, the master of
suspense!
MIKE: Sisko hoped the Romulans would waste their energy blowing those guys
out of space so his ass would be safe....

> Washington was to command the Yorktown. The Earth's distress
>had been heard, and they were responding.

TOM SERVO: Mostly with "I told you so"'s, and neener-neener-neeners.

>
> Soon the Wellington, and its counterparts, the Clinton and the
>Undaunted,

MIKE: I did an AltaVista search on "Clinton" AND "Undaunted" and didn't find
anything....

> were coming out of warp near Earth. Jay's view screen down
>in Engineering showed a curious thing.

CROW: He was watching the Klingon porn channel on his DSS.

> Romulan Warbirds attacking Earth
>with their tails

TOM SERVO: ... which didn't work nearly as well as phasers would.

> being nipped by antique starships. Then in the midst
>of the battle the Defiant decloaked and opened fire.

CROW: ... accidentally blowing the Wellington into a million pieces and
ending the fanfic.
MIKE: Nice try, Crow.

> From behind the
>Moon, the Stargazer rose,

TOM SERVO: ... from the dead.

> a halo of fighters surrounding her. From
>Mars, several incomplete starships came forth, phasers firing. As Jay's
>forces joined the fray, the tide of battle turned to Star Fleet's
>favor.

MIKE: Just take Ratliff's word for it....

> Here on their home turf, where almost every Star Fleet Officer
>had been taught, they now had the upper hand.

CROW: But the upper hand was now on the other foot.

> As warbird after warbird
>colapsed under the pressure of the Star Fleet defenders, some tried to
>flee, forgetting for the moment, that their shields had to drop before
>cloaking.

TOM SERVO [as Romulan crewman]: Oh, GOOD one, sir...
CROW: Why don't they LOOK?

> They would never forget that again.

MIKE: Because they were all going to tie strings around their fingers to help
them remember.

>
> As the last warbird departed from existence,

TOM SERVO: ... for a well-earned vacation in Limbo.

> however, a dire
>message came from the Nova, "Captain La Forge injured, who takes
>command?"

CROW: Oh, any random teenager.

> Captain Jay Gordon, Marrissa's able second from the first fleet,
>asked, "Who commands your ship?" in a general hail.

TOM SERVO [as Minnewegian]: Oh, I hate that general hail, dontcha know.
MIKE [as Minnewegian]: Oh cripes, I know, it makes such a noise on the roof,
you betcha.

> In response, the
>first fleet replied with the name of Commander after Commander. Not a
>single Captain was in command on any of the surviving 34 vessels in the
>Second Fleet.

CROW: Oh, I am SO shocked....

> From the ships coming from Utopia, only Captain Deanna
>Riker replied. At that Admiral Sisko hailed all.

TOM SERVO [as Sisko]: Hi guys! Whatcha up to?

> "Vice Admiral Benjamin Sisko, USS Defiant," he said confidently.

MIKE: It really takes a special man to be so confident about his name....

>"I'd take command, but I'm afraid

TOM SERVO [as Sisko]: ... that the author won't allow it.

> my stop here is temporary. As soon as
>those Commanders who stole the starships from the museum return them, I
>have to take them somewhere."

CROW [as Sisko]: We're late for the kegger at Deep Space Nine.
MIKE [as Sisko]: I know the Earth just got its butt kicked, but I've got more
important things to worry about!

> "Understood, Admiral," Jay and Deanna responded in unison.
> "Captain Gordon, you serve as the First Fleet's Executive Officer,
>correct?" Sisko asked.
> "As well as the Enterprise's first," Jay confirmed.

MIKE [as Jay]: I'm also Marrissa's main squeeze and the Dark Lord of
Depression. You?

> "Then I suggest, you take command until the mess on Earth is sorted
>out," Sisko responded. "Defiant out."

TOM SERVO: It's not so much a chain of command... more like an unraveled
string.

> "Mister Wallace,

CROW: ... your investigative report goes on the air in 60 minutes.

> inform all ships that I am assuming temporary
>command of the ships in the Terran System," Captain Jay Gordon ordered.

MIKE: Meanwhile, Ratliff will do everything in his power to make it
permanent.

>"Inform Captain Troi that I will be beaming aboard the Yorktown. Find
>out who is in control on Earth, and let me know."

TOM SERVO [as Wallace]: Sir? According to alt.conspiracy, the Freemasons are
in control.

> Jay exited
>Engineering, his mind full of plans to get Earth back in shape.

CROW: First he'd start the Earth on aerobics, weights and T'ai Chi....

>
> Light years away inside the nebula FGS-47,

MIKE: Just out of curiosity, how far away from nebula FGC-47 is that?

> his sister was trying
>not to cry. She and her younger brother had just moved in to her
>brother and his wife's quarters. Jacqualynn Gordon was to share a room
>with Marrissa's sister Jacqualine, while her brother had a room to
>himself.

CROW [as Lynn, sniffling]: It's not fair... he ALWAYS gets a room for
himself!

> "No I'm not going to cry," Lynn told herself,

TOM SERVO [singing, almost crying]: I'm gonna harden my heart... gonna
swallow my tears...

> trying to restrain
>the tears threatening to flow as she put away her belongings.

MIKE [as Lynn, bawling]: I don't WANNA clean my room!

> She
>remember where she had acquired each object and as she was only twelve,
>most of them had memories associated with her parents.

TOM SERVO: Except for a little blue package she got from a man in a
trenchcoat. "First one's free", he said....

> She toyed with
>the idea of hiding the belonging that reminding her of her dead parents
>the most.

CROW: Their gold fillings.

> "No, I'm not going to be like my little brother." Her six
>year old brother Jeffery had spent the last couple hours with his head
>buried in his pillow crying his heart out.

MIKE: The Power Rangers had finally been cancelled after four hundred years.

> "And that would be a bad thing?" a voice came from the door.

TOM SERVO [as voice]: Think how convenient it would be to pee while standing
up!

> Lynn
>turned to see her sister-in-law, Marrissa standing at the door.

CROW [as Lynn]: AAAAAaaaahhhh! How long have you been standing there?!

> "Yes, a big girl like me shouldn't cry," Lynn responded her eyes
>beginning to fill despite her best efforts.
> "Where did you get that idea?" Marrissa asked gently, as she sat
>down beside her.

MIKE [as Lynn]: From a Frankie Valli song.
ALL [singing]: Biiiiiiiiggg giiiiiiiirrrrls doooooooonnn't cryyyyyy!

> "I'm a big girl, I can command..." Lynn began.

CROW [as Lynn, sniffling]: I am strong, I am powerful, I am woman...

> "I know you're big," Marrissa responded.

TOM SERVO [as Lynn, angrily]: Hey, you could stand to drop some pounds too,
you know!

> "But that doesn't stop
>you from having feelings. It's not good to hold them up inside you. I
>know, I've tried."

CROW [as Marrissa]: Deep inside, I'm MUCH more of a bitch than I ever let
on....

> "You have?" Lynn asked, tears now flowing freely.
> "You're not the only girl to lose both of your parents at a young
>age," Marrissa responded, gentle laying the crying girl back on her bed.

MIKE: Not a word, you two...

>"I lost my mother and father at age 12, as well."

TOM SERVO: Yeah, Ratliff's got more dead parents in his fanfics than every
Disney film and 50's sitcom combined!

> "You did?"

CROW [as Marrissa]: No, I just made that up to get your sympathy.

> "Yes, and I spent the next two months

MIKE [as Marrissa]: ... clamped onto Jean-Luc Picard like a giant leech.

> denying my grief and avoiding
>the Ship's Counselor," Marrissa told her.

TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: Assaulting superior officers, beating up
ambassadors... you know, the usual.

> "I pinned all my emotions
>behind a tight wall and hid behind my new Star Fleet uniform and it's
>shiny ensign's pip.

MIKE [as Marrissa]: Later I had them both exchanged for a size that I could
wear instead of hide behind.

> Clara tells me that I was murder to my Kid's crew
>during those months. But I still missed my parents and all the pinned
>up emotions did me no good."

CROW [as Marrissa]: Remember how I circumcised half of the medical staff with
a cheese grater?

> "What happened?"

TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: Well, they court-martialed me and shipped me off to
a penal colony on charges of... [normal voice] No
wait, that's just what SHOULD have happened.

> "Well, its always surprising to me what finally made me break
>down," Marrissa mused.

MIKE [as Marrissa]: I think it was when I read Enterprized for the third
time.

> "I had just won the ship's science fair for my
>age group for the third year in a row, which in no doubt endeared me to
>my classmates.

CROW: Yeah, nothing wins kids' friendship like breaking the grade curve.
TOM SERVO: Not to mention having all the modesty of Donald Trump.

> My adopted father came down to present the awards and
>take the winners on the ship's tour. As he handed my blue ribbon to me
>he said, 'good job, daughter.' It was then that I finally realized
>that my parents were dead.

MIKE [as Marrissa]: I'm a little slow sometimes. I thought they were just on
a long vacation....

> I grabbed on to the poor Captain and cried
>my heart out.

CROW: Right now I'd like to lean on Patrick Stewart and cry too.
TOM SERVO: So... anybody buying this little rewrite of Ratliff history?
MIKE: Nope.

> You can go on with life at warp 13, trying to forget,

TOM SERVO: Unless you live in the early days of Trek... then you can only go
on with life at Warp 10.

> but
>eventually your emotions will catch up with you." Marrissa sighed
> As Marrissa finished, Lynn yawned.

MIKE: Yeah, Marrissa's long-winded speeches have that effect on people....

> Her day had been rather tiring
>and now she needed a nap despite her age. "Marrissa?"
> "Yes Lynn."

CROW [as Lynn]: Shut up.

> "Do you ever get over it?" Lynn yawned again, closing her eyes
> Marrissa mused over the statement before replying, "No, not
>entirely." But Marrissa had waited too long. Lynn was asleep.

TOM SERVO: Marrissa missed a chance to shoot her mouth off? Now THERE'S a
first....
MIKE: But it's not the first time Ratliff's dialogue has put somebody to
sleep, though.

> Marrissa
>pulled the blanket over Lynn, kissed her on the forehead and left the
>room, thinking about her own parents.

CROW: And how lucky they were to be out of this fanfic.
TOM SERVO: [edges over to Mike] Speaking of leaving the room, guys...
MIKE: [picks up Tom] That time already? Gee, just when it was getting
interesting...

[They all exit the theater]

[Commercials. A satisfied customer for The Psychic Solution tells us that
talking to one of their psychics is like talking to one of his best friends.
He goes on to say that his best friends charge him $2.00 a minute to talk to
them too.]

[Continued in Part 4]