MSTed: Stephen Ratliff's "A Royal Mess", Part Two (3/7)
Mighty Jack
[Mike and the bots enter the theater.]
Mike: You know, if you guys keep this kind of behavior up, Pearl's
going to send us a home safety short.
Bots: We'll be good.
[They sit down.]
>
>
>Chapter Seven
Tom: Or is it... Chapter L, but upside down?
Mike: With a special guest apearance by Morgan Freeman and Brad Pitt.
>
> The search was not going well later that day when Admiral and
>Lieutenant Picard brought Queen Victoria to the bridge. "Status of search
>Mister Worf?" Admiral Picard inquired.
Crow: (as Worf) We're still going through a thousand screens of porn site
lists, sir.
Tom: (as Picard) I hate WebCrawler.
> "Of the areas the Enterprise can scan, we have found no reliable
>traces of the Trakce," Worf said. "However, their are several areas we
>cannot scan due to interference caused by mineral deposits nearby."
Mike: The hair ribbon detector canna take much more of this, Captain!
> "Where are those areas?" the Queen inquired.
Crow: Learn the difference between good touches and bad touches.
> "Perhaps I can
>narrow the areas down a little."
Tom: Well, that's rather painful to do.
> "Put a map on screen, Mister Worf," Admiral Picard ordered.
Mike: (as Worf) All I could find was a Denny's place mat map of the USA.
Sorry, sir.
> A map of Essex appeared on the main view screen. Several areas
>were boxed in, near various mountain ranges.
Crow: Hey, I know that area. That's Nondescript Valley in the Vague
Mountains, just over the border from Generica.
> "If I were them I'd want to be near the Capital," Lieutenant
>Picard said. "Center on Londonderry, and about a 100 mile radius."
Tom: Actually, after the bombings, the Capital is scattered over a
450 mile radius.
> The map changed and only one of the boxed areas remained in
>view. The mountain range arched from about two thirds of the way down
>the screens left edge to the Ocean Atlantis. Inside the arch a large
Mike: ... clown named Ronald McDonald stood, merrily hawking his burgers
to all and sundry. One day he... oh, wait. There's just one arch.
Never mind.
>forest stood. In the midst of the forest stood a lone house.
Tom: It was made of gingerbread. The Trakce had built it in the hopes of
luring Marrissa there.
Crow: Their plan was foiled by a pair of pudgy German children.
> The mountain
>range was about 50 miles from Londonderry and had peaks up to 9000 feet
>in height.
Crow: It was an unseasonably warm day. There was a breeze from the
southwest at about ten miles per hour, and the relative humidity
was--would you just GET ON WITH IT already?
> "That house would be the best place for them to be," the Queen
>said.
Tom: ('Hood' voice) Regicidal assassins in da house!
> "Why?" Marrissa inquired. "It's barely inside the unscannable
>area."
Mike: Maybe it has cable.
Crow: I hope that they get that Comedy channel there. I love that show
with the obscene colorforms.
> "It's the Royal Hunting Lodge," Queen Victoria replied. "Since
>the Royal Palace is gone, it is the only Royal residence left on the planet."
> "Then we attack there," Worf stated.
Tom: (as Worf) Or we attack Londonderry. Or Risa. Hell, just give me
something to attack, and I'll attack it.
> "Perhaps we should be a little more subtle," Marrissa
>interrupted.
Mike: (as Marrissa) Bad Worf! Sit! Heel!
> "After all, they probably have a ship some where and their
>ships are nearly as fast as ours. Unfortunately for them, they aren't as
>well armed."
Crow: (as Marrissa) That gives us the moral right to dispose of them as we
see fit!
> "I take it that you have a plan?" the Admiral asked.
Tom: (as Marrissa) Geordi, get me 20,000 gallons of strawberry juice.
We'll flood them out!
> "Don't I always?" Marrissa replied.
Mike: I take it this plan is automatically going to work no matter how
transparent and silly it is?
Crow: Don't they always?
>
> Into the observation lounge walked Admiral Picard, Commander
>Riker, Lieutenant Commander Worf, and Lieutenant Marrissia Picard. The
>Admiral sat at the head of the table. Commander Riker took the seat to his
>right and Worf, the left.
Crow: At the shoulders of the table.
> Marrissa took the seat next to Commander Riker.
Crow: At the endocrine system of the table.
Mike: Got to hand it to Ratliff, he has the "constant conferences" aspect
of Next Generation down pat!
Tom: So here's the revised seating chart, then:
Laughing Goddess
Boy Marrissa
________________________
[ ]
Shiny [ ]
[________________________]
Ridge-
Head
Crow: How do you *do* that?
>"Now what exactly is your plan?" Marrissa's father asked.
Tom: (as Marrissa) You mean you don't know either?!
Mike: (as Marrissa) I intend to activate my divine powers.
> "It's quite simple," Marrissa said. "Myself, Queen Victoria,
>and Acting Ensign Sutter
Crow: (as Marrissa) ... will build a giant badger and hide inside it
while Sir Lancelot and Galahad...
Tom: Wrong story, Crow.
Mike: A better story, though.
> beam down outside the hunting lodge with three
>securtity officers. If the enemy, whether it be Trakce or Romulan attack,
Tom: (as Marrissa) Then they'll suffer my almighty wrath! Bwahahahaha!!!!
>the Queen and the security officers beam up to the Enterprise and Clara and
>I surrender. They will probably take us to their headquarters.
Mike: (as Marrissa) If they put us in the brig, we'll eat our way out.
> Commander
>Worf will track us and when we stop moving send a team down to rescue us and
>take care of the enemy.
Crow: Hey, describe Riker.
> Simple and quite easy."
Tom: Hey, that's cheating!
> "I don't think so, Marrissa,"
Mike: I prefer to think la, Marrissa; or even ti, Marrissa. But then I
have a music degree and I'm not afraid to use it.
> Admiral Picard said. "First of
>all your plan involves the possible taking of three of the top four members
>of the Essex Royal Family. Second, how do you know that they won't kill you?"
Tom: (as Riker, whispering) Sir, isn't that our plan to deal with our...
"royal" problem?
> "Because it takes those three is why it works, Dad,"
Crow: I think Marrissa took three before the meeting.
>Marrissa replied. "In order to make the visit look possible we need someone
>who knows the lodge to show us around. We also need a young royal for them
>to take hostage who has a better claim than Martin Sussex.
Tom: (as Marrissa) Oh, did I mention, it's absolutely essential that we
dress as clowns?
> Two of us will
>increase the chance of sucess in case my well known resistance convinces the
>enemy I won't cooperate.
Mike: (as Marrissa) The genius here is that Clara is only mortal!
> As for knowing that they won't kill me, I don't but
Crow: (as Marrissa) ... I remember that "death" on Star Trek lasts maybe
three weeks.
>this is the only plan I can find that won't involve security tipping our hand
>by beginning a acre by acre search. I'm sure that we don't have enough
>personnel to do such a thing anyway."
> "We don't," Worf interjected.
Tom: (as Worf) Furthermore, more than half our our security teams are
currently engaged in pursuing a gerbil that escaped from Mrs.
Hagemeyer's first-grade class this morning.
> "However, I still don't see how
>we are going to keep track of you and Clara."
Tom: (as Marrissa) Er, radar?
> "Commander Riker could you help me with this boot," Marrissa
>asked, bending down.
Mike: Ack! Please tell me that this is the only incident we're ever going
to see of Riker undressing Marrissa.
Bots: Mike!
> After a moment they had Marrissa's right boot off. She
>twisted off the heal of her size 4 boot.
Crow: It's not going to heal if you keep twisting at it!
Tom: (as Marrissa) Here's a little trick I learned in boot camp....
[Mike thwacks Tom in the back of the head.]
> "You will note the extra powerful
>communicator and listening devices."
Tom: Ah, Stephen got the "Best of 'Get Smart'" videotape for Christmas.
Crow: *Extra powerful* communicator and listening devices! Now with baking
soda!
> "Are you sure they won't take away your boots?" Riker asked.
Crow: Romulans have a moral code against taking footwear in the
Ratliffverse. It shows up again in "Unto the Next Generation".
Tom: You remember these things?
Crow: I've asked Mike to disconnect my memory module, but no....
> "With that kind of terrain, Commander?" Marrissa said. "They'd
>have to be very foolish.
Mike: So... like your typical Ratliff villain then?
Tom: Oh, sure. I can see how it'd be foolish to take away footgear that
would, um, make it possible for their... prisoners... to... escape.
(starts sobbing) Oh, Mike, it hurts...
Mike: Be brave, little toaster.
> You grew up in Alaska, Commander. You of all people
>should know the value of a good pair of boots."
> "She does have a point, Admiral," Riker replied.
Crow: (as Riker) Nothing in life is more valuable than comfortable footwear.
> "I don't have
>a better plan."
Tom: And whoever is surprised, raise your hand.
> "Neither do I," Lieutenant Commander Worf concured. "What's in
>the other boot?"
Mike: (as Marrissa) Both my feet. I had to put them somewhere.
> "A miniature phaser," Marrissa replied. "You will note that when
>the boot is scanned nothing can be detected.
Crow: (as Marrissa) I got the idea from those terrorists who skyjacked
Denebian Air Lines flight 2038 last month!
> So, Admiral, does my plan get
>the go ahead?"
Tom: The tension mounts... *will* Admiral "Rubber Stamp" Picard approve
yet another hare-brained scheme of Marrissa's?
> "All right, Marrissa, your plan gets the go ahead, if you can
>convince both the Queen and Clara to volunteer," Jean-Luc Picard intoned.
Mike: (as Marrissa) Oh, Victoria! Clara! Certain death! Interested?
>"However, I will hold you personally responsible if this plan results in
>any deaths."
Crow: (as Picard) You will be *so* grounded. And no desserts this time
either!
> "Trust me, Dad, I have no urge to retire from Starfleet before I
>turn 14," Marrissa replied.
Tom: I was starting to think that was the mandatory retirement age.
[Commercials: Another sneak preview of a movie you'll see here by Season
Twelve. Maybe. FIGHT THE POWER!]
>
>Chapter Eight
Tom: Or is it... Chapter 8, but upside... hold on.
>
> It had been hard,
Crow: I'm just going to leave that one alone.
> but Marrissa had convinced the command crew
Mike: ... to let her stay out past curfew.
>and the necessary people to carry out her plan.
Tom: Previously, on Stephen Ratliff.
> Now all she had to was
>beam down and hope they took the bait. In addition to the Queen and
>Clara, three security officers where accompanying her down. Marrissa
>wasn't sure about the officers, but you can't have everything.
Mike: That's a first for Marrissa.
> It was a
>good team but Lieutenant Lockard may have not appreciated that last joke
>during the drill.
Crow: Nor the pranks and shenanigans during the band saw.
> "Listen Gentlemen," Marrissa began. "This is a most usual
>mission.
Tom: (as Marrissa) So you redshirts are going to die, and I'm going to
save the day all by my lonesome again.
> As a full Lieutenant, I will be commanding this away team.
Mike: (as Marrissa) So no giggling!
>Normally that means you would be protecting me.
Tom: (as Marrissa) But I have my Praetorian guard to take care of that.
> However this mission as
>I said is different, instead you will be letting me be captured. Your
>number one priority is to protect the Queen. If you do not do your job,
Crow: (as Marrissa) ... Gary Kasparov will throw another hissy fit.
>there is a Prince in Engineering who will be Prince Regent until, my and
>Clara's fate is determined, who will roast you.
Tom: (as Marrissa) Oh, and it'll mean you allowed the forces of evil to
take over this planet.
> You have a problem
>Lieutenant Lockard?"
> "Yes sir," Lockard replied.
> "And what would that be?" Marrissa asked.
Mike: (as Ross) You're *twelve*!
> "I don't see the purpose of the mission," Lockard replied.
Crow: *snort* Join the club.
Tom: Heck, we've been saying this for, what? 26 stories now?
> "First of all, as your Commanding Officer, I don't have to give
>you a reason," Marrissa replied sweetly.
Mike: (as Nelson the bully) *Ha* ha!
> "However, I will be nice this
>once. We are trying to smoke out the people responsible for the deaths of
>the Royal Family of Essex and the House of Parliament.
Crow: (as Marrissa) They're killing the rulers and giving us all lung
cancer!
> Therefore the Queen,
>and a couple other Princesses are the bait. Your job is to see that they
>only take the Princesses."
> "I don't see any Princesses," Ross Lockard replied.
Tom: (as Ross) All I see are koopas and giant blocks.
> "Look again, Ross, and next time you address me off duty try
>Your Royal Highness instead of Risa," Marrissa responded. "It might prevent
>you from getting strawberry juice in your nice brown hair again."
All: [laugh weakly]
Mike: Ah, the incomparable early Ratliff humor.
Crow: Thank you, Stephen Ratliff, for making us not quite laugh at love
again.
> "You are one of the Princesses?" Ross exclaimed.
Tom: (as Ross) I have no problem with letting *you* get captured!
Let's go!
> "Yes, Lieutenant," Marrissa deadpanned. "Now get on the
>platform, we've got a mission to do.
Mike: (as Marrissa) We must build a wall across all England!
> Phasers on stun. Energize."
>
> Queen Victoria, Princesses Marrissa and Clara, Lieutenant
>Lockard and Ensigns Henderson and Diral materialized about a quarter of a
>mile from the hunting lodge on the road to the Royal Hunting Lodge.
Crow: Once again, in case you missed it... the hunting lodge.
> "So
>Victoria, do you get a lot of use out of this Lodge?" Marrissa asked.
Mike: (as Victoria) Nah. It doesn't fetch, it doesn't roll over, heck, it
doesn't do much of anything.
> "Not really," Queen Victoria replied. "I only use it to escape
>from the Press, during some of the Royal events."
> "Royal Events?" Clara asked.
Tom: Royal Red Alert, Royal Static Warp Bubble, Royal Engage Shuttlecraft
Operations....
Mike: Tom, put away the pretty cards and come join us for a little while,
okay?
> "Opening of Parliament, Monarch's birthday, Heir's birthday,
>Birth of new member of the family, coming of age of member of the family,"
>Victoria recited.
Crow: So she only uses it 337 days of the year.
> "By the way Marrissa, when is your birthday?"
> "July 26," Marrissa said as they came up on the Hunting Lodge.
Tom: Ooh, July 26th, that's the anniversary of the establishment of the
Post Office by the Second Continental Congress in 1775.
Mike: Thank you.
Tom: Also the 1907 launch of the U.S. Navy's "Chester," the world's
first turbine-propelled vessel.
Mike: That's... fascinating. Thank you.
Tom: And the start of filming, in 1984, of episodes of "Punky Brewster."
Mike: More than enough, Tom.
Tom: And the launch of Apollo 15 in 1971.
Mike: I'm not letting you log on to the History Channel web site anymore.
Crow: (writing) July 26...
Mike: Crow?
Crow: Well, Mike, we need to send her a card. It's the polite thing to do.
>"Keep your eyes open," she whispered.
> As soon as they entered the clearing a green bolt hit a nearby
>tree.
Tom: Oh no! Not the elm tree! Why do the good always have to *die*?!
Waaahhh!!!
> "Get the Queen out of here," Marrissa said drawing her phaser.
>"Clara and I will cover."
Mike: Marrissa's going to throw a blanket on Ross' head.
> "Lieutenant Lockard to Enterprise, four to beam up."
> As the four dematerialized, Romulans poured out of the house.
Crow: The Romulans are made of liquid metal?
>As they surrounded Marrissa and Clara, they dropped their phasers.
Tom: ... thus making it even more easy than usual for Marrissa to win the
day.
Mike: I think he meant Marrissa and Clara dropped their phasers. Maybe.
Hey, Steve! How about an antecedent or two more in there, huh?
> "So
>the birds have come home to roost," the Romulan Commander said. "Search them,
>leave their communicators on the ground, then tie their hands
>and take them to Headquarters."
Crow: (as the Romulan) Right. That's search Headquarters, tie their
communicators to their hands, and leave them on the ground. No,
wait... it's tie them to Headquarters, and then--look, I'll come in
again.
>
> On the Bridge of the Enterprise-E, Worf announced, "The Romulans
>have taken the bait. Communicator signals are diverging."
Tom: (as Worf) Also, Mrs. Hagemeyer reports two gerbils and a hamster are
now missing. My teams are responding.
> "Inform me when they stop moving," Admiral Picard said. "I'll
>be in my ready room." He got up and walked into his ready room.
Mike: That's what I like in a commander. He does just what he says that
he's going to do.
> "I do not think the Captain appreciates Marrissa's bold plan,"
Crow: (as muffled Picard) I heard that! Fifty lashes for all of you!
>Worf commented after the door to the ready room closed.
> "He appreciates it all right," Commander Riker responded. "But,
>he wishes Marrissa didn't have to go into danger to execute it."
> "I do not understand," Worf replied.
Tom: Get your own Klingon Rock-em Sock-em Security Chief! Emotional
life sold separately.
> "Perhaps, I can explain," Counselor Troi said. "The Captain,
>loves his adopted daughter.
Crow: (as Troi) And before you ask, I'm not sure why either.
> He would prefer, like most parents, to see that
>no harm comes to her." Worf shook his head indicating that he still did
>not understand.
Mike: "Worf" must be Klingon for "bag of hammers".
> "Worf, would you let Alexander do a similar mission?"
Crow: (as Worf) Sure! Why I'd do anything to get Mr. "I don't wanna be a
warrior!" out of my life!
> "I see your point Counselor."
>
> Meanwhile in the Holodeck of the starship Independence, Jay
>Gordon and his Kid's crew were enjoying command. "Sirek, how is the search
>going?" Jay Gordon asked his Vulcan Security officer.
Tom: (as Sirek) No good--we still can't find the Virtual Valerie program.
I'll keep looking in Riker's files....
> "We have about 14 of the 30 hostile confined," he replied.
Mike: (as Sirek) And 27 of the 40 Easter eggs too!
> "Carry on, Patrick, current course and speed?" Jay inquired.
Crow: We interrupt this program to announce that Ratliff has spelled
"course" correctly. We now return to our fanfic.
Tom: Well, he does succeed in that *occasionally*...
> "Course is 121 mark 5, speed is warp 4,
Mike: Barometer is falling and a high pressure system is moving in from
Canada.
> which is fast as I can
>risk going and still follow the hostile warp signature," the CONN officer
>said.
Crow: (as Patrick) And as fast as we can lay bread crumbs so we can find
our way back.
> "Brian, what is on that heading," Jay asked his OPS officer.
> "The Federation Member Planet Essex," the red haired boy
>replied.
> "What starships are nearby?" Jay asked.
Tom: (as Brian) The Battlestar Galactica, the White Star, the Millenium
Falcon, a Dahak Class Planetoid, and the Heart of Gold, sir.
Mike: (as Jay) Dear God... it's a crossover! We must be in a fanfic!
Helm! Get us as far away from here as possible! Now!
> "The Enterprise-E is in orbit of Essex," Brian replied.
Crow: As opposed to the Enterprise D, which is currently an expensive giant
plow, and the Enterprise F, which does not yet exist.
> "Her
>current mission is to investigate the destruction of their Royal Palace
>and House of Parliament."
> "I think we may have something for Captain Picard,"
Tom: (as Jay) How's that toupee coming?
> Jay said.
>"Tira, did you get around to identifying the warp traces?"
Crow: (as Tira) Yes, sir. They seem to be warp traces.
> "Yes, Jay," the Bajoran Chief Engineer and Second Officer said.
>"They are Trakce warp signatures, modified to work with a Romulan cloaking
>device."
Crow: However, they foolishly left their right turn blinker on.
Tom: Starboard?
Crow: Right.
> "Sirek, compare the unknown life forms with Trakce life signs,"
>Jay ordered.
> "Identity confirmed," Sirek said. "Why didn't the computer
>identify them on its own?"
Mike: We needed some excuse for suspense.
> "The program probably needs updating,"
Crow: Once again in a Ratliff fanfic, better tech support would save the
day.
Tom: Well, Ratliff is a computer lab assistant.
Mike: So?
Tom: Well, one of our authors can empathize with that.
> Jay said. "Open a
>channel to the USS Enterprise NCC-1701-E."
Tom: I guess he mentioned the call numbers to avoid confusion with all
the other starship Enterprises in this story.
> "Channel Open," Sibek replied.
Crow: So why didn't they call for help instead of pretending to be real
officers days ago?
> The bridge of the Enterprise
>appeared on screen. Commander Riker was sitting in the command chair.
>Counselor Troi was next to him. Above him stood Worf. Ensign Katherine
>Szustakowski and Data occupied the forward stations of CONN and OPS,
>respectively.
Tom: So, to sum up, the bridge of the Enterprise appeared on screen.
> "Jay, what a surprise, why are you in command of the
>Independence again?" Commander Riker asked.
Mike: (as Riker) Don't they keep catching you and putting you back in bed?
> "A combined force of Romulans and Trakce took over the ship, a
>couple days ago," Jay said. "As usual I was on the Holodeck
Crow: (as Jay) ... using video games to sublimate my desire for true
affection.
> and took
>command after they imprisoned the adult crew. We've been following their
>ship ever since.
Tom: So... there's either a bunch of stupid aliens who haven't noticed
that the ship isn't under their control or there's a bunch of stupid
Kid's Crew members who haven't figured out how to look out the door.
> It seems to have been on a direct course to Essex."
> "Jay get here as soon as you can," Commander Riker said. "I
>have a feeling we will need the Independence.
Mike: (as Riker) We'll also need that hostile force you're bringing.
> Do you need any help?"
Crow: (as Jay) I could use a tutor for history. We're covering the
Philippine Insurrection and I just don't get it.
> "When I arrive I'll need some one to help to uncouple life support
Tom: Yeah, that's one thing you can do to solve your little invasion
problem. A trifle extreme, though.
>and intruder controls from several doors and forcefields," Jay said.
Mike: (as Jay) Our feats of sabotage pretty much wiped out everybody who
wasn't killed by the invaders.
> "They
>locked up the adults pretty good. I think we can restrain our intruders
>from the Holodeck though. We already have 14 of the 30.
Crow: (as Jay) Well, okay, *they* passed out after having the commissary's
"mystery spaghetti," but they're still out of action.
> Patrick,
>increase speed to warp 10,
Tom: (as Jay) Unless that's impossible again this week.
> and give me a revised ETA."
> "Two hours three minutes," the helmsmen replied.
Mike: The two hours is so they can turn into lizards and mate with each
other.
> "I assume you heard that?" Jay asked.
> "Yes, Admiral Picard will expect you then," Riker responded.
Crow: (as Riker) You will be allowed to have Cap'n Crunch, and eat it out
of the blue bowl when you arrive.
> "Admiral, huh, I see someone decided to answer my question," Jay
>commented.
> "You were the little bird at Admiral Necheyev's ear?" Riker
>asked.
Tom: (as Jay) Yeah, it was a nasty transporter accident with Yakky Doodle,
but we got it all straightened out.
> "Yes, but Marrissa was the bug in mine," Jay responded.
Mike: (as Jay) She threatened to lay her eggs in my brain if I didn't
get her dad a promotion. It was creepy.
>"Independence out."
Crow: Mike, the imagery here is not helping me.
Mike: Let's take a break.
[They get up and exit the theater.]
[Commercials.]
[Continued in Part 4]